Narcissistic Friends: #1 Best Way To Confront Them

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough Podcast.

The power to heal our lives is within us all.

It's just that the way that we've been taught to see ourselves is dysfunctional.

And our childhood programming may have taught us or brainwashed us to believe that we are not good enough.

And so when that becomes your point of focus and that becomes just the way you live your life,

You are literally brainwashed out of believing that you have the power to heal your life or that you are enough.

And so you spend your whole life looking for validation outside of you.

And you attract people who need you to validate them.

So codependents attract people on the narcissistic spectrum because a narcissist expects you and feels entitled to your validation,

Where you need the validation from outside of yourself because you've never received it.

And you think that in taking care of other people that they will validate you back.

But it doesn't work.

It's dysfunctional.

And then you get sick.

Your body isn't working the way it should.

You're depressed.

And lots of negative things begin to happen.

I want to talk today about a pretty interesting email that I received.

Not a long email,

But I think that it's going to hit a lot of people.

They're going to really resonate with this.

There is a girl who recently came into my social circle.

I hang out with her,

My boyfriend and her boyfriend.

I try to avoid seeing her at all costs because when she's around,

She makes mean comments towards me.

And then everyone joins in with her in making fun of me.

It makes me feel pretty bad.

And the stuff she says to me is quite ridiculous.

It's kind of like a mean girl situation.

I don't know how to react or even what to say.

How can I make this stop without seeming like I'm crazy for being upset?

I also don't want to make any more problems with her by stooping to her level.

So I actually wrote her back.

So I wrote,

I hear you,

Dear one,

And you are right.

She is a mean girl,

But she is also highly insecure.

Otherwise,

She would not need to,

A,

Suck up all the air in the room by making jabs at you and stealing the attention and energy of the people in your circle.

And B,

She would rather keep the focus on you so no one can focus on her flaws.

She is deflecting and trying to protect herself by essentially throwing the fear she has about herself onto you.

There are a few things that you would have to do,

But they would take some stiff self-talk.

So these are some of the responses that I think that she could probably work on saying to this girl.

A,

I'm so glad that I don't have any self-esteem issues.

Otherwise,

Your comments might really bring me down right now.

And you would say something like that with a sarcastic tone.

B,

I wonder why you feel the need to poke at me the way you do.

C,

It is amazing how every time we're together,

You find a way to make fun of me for one thing or the other.

That's so funny.

Of course,

Being sarcastic.

D,

Why do you think you feel the need to take jabs at me?

E,

I'm going to have to rethink hanging out with you because it seems there's just this trend that you follow that makes it seem like before long,

Something you say is going to make certain that all eyes are on me.

F,

Do you ever consider what it feels like to be on the receiving end of one of your so-called jokes?

G,

You know you don't have to make fun of me or embarrass me to feel better about yourself,

Right?

H,

Do you mind if we change the topic and stop talking about me?

It's getting a little old for me now.

So the reason I wanted to,

Those are just some of the responses.

And that happens often when I coach someone.

What happens,

I find,

Is that when you have this certain negative self-talk going on in your mind,

It's over and over and over and over.

A couple of things,

Well,

A lot of things happen.

We tend to attract people that reinforce that dialogue.

So if I'm afraid that I'm not good enough,

I will attract people that make me feel like I'm not good enough.

No matter what I do for this person,

It will not be good enough because I'm projecting,

Literally,

My self-talk or my perception of myself is creating the outside reality.

I don't know that because I'm asleep.

But that's really what happens.

So if I was treated like I wasn't good enough as a child and I have to stay small or I'm just in the way and that if I smile all the time and I act like I have no needs,

Then I experience less pain in my outside world than as an adult female,

I'm going to stay little.

I'm going to stay small.

I'm not going to have a voice.

I'm going to take care of everybody else because I think that in doing that,

I will avoid trauma.

I will avoid criticism.

And people will ultimately like me and go,

Oh my God,

She's such a good girl.

She has no needs.

She has no problems.

Oh,

She's so easy to get along with.

And that's what I attract in my adult life if that was what I was brainwashed to believe about myself and my needs as a child.

So what happens oftentimes is that as adults in dealing with other people,

We don't have the dialogue to go back at someone like someone like this girl is writing about that makes fun of her because we have the opposite of that type of self-talk.

So very oftentimes,

I will create a script for a client.

I will say,

Well,

How about we talk about this?

How about we say this?

When your mother-in-law says this,

How about that?

When your ex-narc says this,

How about that?

Or when this person in the office says this,

How about that?

And all of a sudden,

Bells and whistles start to go off.

And their concepts begin to expand.

And they're out of the box,

Right?

So now the whole new train of thought has been born by having me help them create a new train of thought.

And so I thought it was really interesting that,

First of all,

This YouTube viewer,

What you have to understand,

I don't have permission.

She didn't give me permission to use her name,

So I won't.

But let's just call her Tracy.

So let's say Tracy's in this situation.

What she has to understand is that Tracy,

There's something inside of Tracy that's active.

There's a vibration that's active.

And it probably sounds something like,

I hope I don't get made fun of.

I don't want to be the center of attention.

And what do you attract?

You attract being the center of attention,

Even though you're not actually good attention.

This person in your new group is creating this and making you the center of attention.

So there's some fear.

There's an activated fear inside of you.

And it's a common fear.

But the less you worry about people making fun of you,

The less other people are going to pick on you.

So this mean girl is picking up on a vibration within you.

We all have radar.

And we all have ESP,

Extrasensory perception.

We all do.

We all size people up.

I think I read somewhere where in the first 30 seconds,

A human being has already analyzed the person that they're talking to.

In 30 seconds,

A human being can tell whether or not that person they're talking to is insecure,

Confident.

A lot of things that we can tell in 30 seconds.

So this girl is definitely picking up on your energy.

And so there has to be some energetic shift inside of you that you have to work on.

And I really hope that some of these responses will help open up your mind to a new train of thought.

You have to understand that people who make fun of us,

They're afraid of being made fun of.

And that's why they make fun of other people.

They're so afraid of having the tables turn.

And that's why they're trying to keep the focus over here.

So the tables never turn,

And everyone's making fun of them.

So even in my own life,

My father is the type of person who likes to make fun of people,

But you can't make fun of him.

No way.

Not going to happen.

And so it's people like this enjoy keeping the focus on other people because these are their insecurities.

They're actually projecting them.

A couple of things that you can do,

Tracy,

Is you can pull her on the side and actually say something.

But in most cases,

Someone that you go toe-to-toe with like this is going to vomit all over you.

And they will say,

Oh,

You're too sensitive,

Oh,

You're being crazy,

Oh,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

And make it seem like you're being too sensitive.

I finally learned my response when I call someone out on something and they go,

Oh,

You're being too sensitive.

I go,

And you know what?

If you weren't so insensitive,

I wouldn't have to be so sensitive.

Instead of me being too sensitive,

Why don't you try not being so insensitive?

But that comes with confidence because I now understand that if you care about someone,

If you care about other people,

You don't look to exploit them.

You don't look to make fun of the pimple that's on their forehead.

You don't look to make fun of the fact that their pants are a little short.

You don't look for ways to really embarrass people.

So now that I understand that and I get that it's not my shame,

So if someone picked on me and I've been through this a lot in my life,

And I feel shame,

That is because someone tried to make me feel shame,

And they're throwing up their shame onto me.

And I've come to believe that in terms of the law of attraction,

Someone who's trying to throw shame at me,

It can't land if I don't accept that shame.

So you want to start pushing that back.

So speaking to her privately probably isn't going to work,

And I think you've got to kick her where it hurts.

And where it hurts is turning the tables on her and making her feel like she's the center of attention,

But not in a healthy way.

Not because she's the comic in the group making fun of you,

But because you're turning the tables and you're questioning her intention.

And you have to be very clever,

And you can stop hanging out with her.

You can minimize your time with her.

You can talk to your boyfriend about it.

You can go no contact with her.

It might be difficult because it's a group of friends,

But you can certainly limit your time with her.

You can also not give her any focus.

If you just kind of ignore her in the crowd,

It's going to be a difficult time for her to connect with you and try to make fun of you.

So go out of your way to try to give her the cold shoulder and ignore her.

If she begins to start talking about you,

Talking smack about you,

Talking crap about you,

And people start laughing,

I think that's when you could use one or two of these lines,

Like say to her,

I'm so glad that I don't have any self-esteem issues because I think that if someone did have self-esteem issues and you said something like that to them,

That could really destroy them.

And then if she comes back with,

Oh,

Stop being too sensitive,

You can come back and say,

Oh,

Well,

Why don't you stop being insensitive?

Oh,

I'm sorry.

I didn't know that we were like that.

I didn't know that we had that type of relationship that we could joke around like that,

Because I hardly know you.

But if you go back at her like that,

You've got to really hold on to that position.

And you've got to be able to take it as far as it goes.

Because people like this who like to cause chaos and drama,

There's a mean streak in them in most cases.

And so when you begin to turn the tables,

They up the ante.

So they could get angry.

They're not going to apologize.

You know that.

But they could get angry.

Like,

Oh,

My god.

What,

Do you got to stick up your ass?

Oh,

My god.

Oh,

My god.

You can't take a joke.

This girl can't take a joke.

You've got to be able to stay with that type of rhetoric,

That type of conversation,

That type of dialogue,

Until the two of you break off,

Or she leaves,

Or you leave.

You can't go up against someone like this with,

What are you talking about?

Oh,

I didn't know we had it like that.

I didn't know that we were that close,

That you thought that you could joke around me like that.

You just missed that.

So when you go back at someone like this with that type of an energy,

They're going to come back at you.

And you've got to be willing to go right back at her until she gets a picture like,

Enough is enough.

And eventually what might happen is that first showdown might be difficult,

But it'll set the tone for the rest of your interactions.

She actually might not want to hang out with you anymore,

Which is a good thing.

Or she might,

When she's around you,

She might just ignore you.

That's a good thing.

You don't want to be the center of her attention anymore.

So dear one,

I really hope that this has helped you a little bit.

When I read your email,

I was immediately moved,

And I got goosebumps right now just doing it,

Because it's something that's happened to me in my lifetime.

And it struck a chord with me.

And that's why I wanted to give you a shout out and email you back.

So when you're with people like this,

And you find that people like to make fun of you and poke holes at you,

It is best to understand that they are vomiting all over you.

And their worst fear is to have you turn the tables on them.

So that is,

You either walk away,

You either stop hanging out with them,

Or you give them a little dose of your own medicine.

But you have to be prepared,

Because once you give someone like this a dose of their own medicine,

They come back at you again.

And you've got to be strong enough to stand there until this person understands,

Not me anymore.

I'm not willing to do this anymore.

And the good thing that will come out of it is that you will have learned to understand that you don't have to tolerate that from people.

And so in essence,

You will have grown in your own self-esteem,

Your own sense of self-worth,

And your own sense of confidence,

Which means that you will not attract this type of behavior from other people anymore.

Because generally speaking,

It's the law of attraction.

People who are afraid of being made fun of oftentimes get made fun of.

So when you know that you don't have to tolerate that,

And you're willing to push people back,

Guess what?

You're not afraid of being made fun of anymore,

Because you know you can handle it.

And then you stop attracting people like this.

Dear ones,

It is my pleasure to come into your hearts and your homes.