Welcoming The Tender Heart Of Difficult Emotion - Long

I'm so glad you're here.

This meditation is part of my work here on Insight Timer on bringing wisdom,

Mindfulness,

And non-duality to difficult relationships and to conflict.

I'm a therapist for many years now,

And of course I learn so much from my clients.

But what I've learned most from is my high-conflict relationship with my husband.

And we're fortunate that we're able to get back to really hearing each other.

But we've had terrible,

Terrible fights and arguments in our years together.

And I figured out how to bring my mindfulness experience and my therapist wisdom to those moments.

And I'd love to share this with you.

The source of our misery during and after fights and arguments with people we love is our own inner experience,

Our thoughts and feelings.

Even when the other person is behaving badly and in ways that are not okay.

We're most triggered by someone else when we have less room and less compassion for our own feelings.

The more attention and compassion we can give to our own difficult feelings,

The more we'll be able to be present in these most challenging moments.

And we'll have more inner clarity about what we want,

About our boundaries,

And so more able to communicate that well.

So this meditation is a powerful practice of being with difficult emotions in a way that lightens them,

But doesn't ignore them or push them away.

So let's begin.

Take a comfortable position.

Notice what combination of comfort and alertness is right for you at this moment.

Perhaps putting your feet on the floor,

Your arms comfortably at your sides.

Bring your attention to the breath.

In-breath and out-breath.

There's nothing you need to do with the breath.

No need to change the pace or the depth of your natural breathing.

Simply noticing the sensations that accompany the breath now and at every moment.

The miracle of breath,

In and out.

And now expanding your attention to the entire body,

To any body sensations that are present for you right now.

Just scanning with a gentle curiosity to see what's there.

And noticing that your body is supported right now.

The body is supported by the furniture that you're sitting or lying on,

Or the cushion,

And it's supported by the floor,

By the building,

And by the earth.

The entire earth is now supporting you as you prepare yourself to meet difficult emotion with your gentle attention.

So with every out-breath,

See if you can allow the body to sink a little deeper into the support of the furniture or the cushion and all else that is physically supporting you right now,

Including the earth itself.

And once again,

Noticing any other kind of sensation in the body,

Simply noticing what's there.

And perhaps among the sensations you find,

There's a sensation that's connected to emotion that you're experiencing at this moment.

Bring a gentle curiosity and scan the body for sensations that aren't connected to a clearly biological occurrence.

But more like butterflies in the stomach,

Or a swelling sensation in the throat.

Scanning my body now,

I find a fluttering across the upper chest and the shoulders.

You may find emotion sensations behind your face,

Or your neck or throat area,

Or anywhere in the trunk.

And if it's difficult to locate emotion sensations,

Try this.

Tell yourself,

I'm fine.

Connect to the air.

The idea that right now,

Everything is okay.

Everything is good.

And ironically,

Sometimes that can provide an opening for uncomfortable feelings to make themselves known in the body.

Whatever emotion sensation you find,

Now turn towards it in welcome.

We are so often trying to escape emotion,

Particularly difficult feelings.

Now we're going to turn towards emotion sensation with openness,

With welcome.

You may say to the emotion sensation,

I'm glad you're here.

You are part of my experience at this moment.

I know you want something good for me.

Thank you for showing up.

I want to hear from you.

I want to give you space right now.

Say words that reflect something you can honestly express.

If your experience right now is fear of the feeling,

Or really not wanting the emotion sensation that you find,

You may choose to say,

You are part of me at this moment.

Or another fact-based sentence.

You are part of my experience right now.

You are present.

And just noticing what it's like to turn to the emotion with openness and welcome.

What happens in the body?

Is there any shift in the sensations of emotion of any kind?

And now with open attention,

Internally looking towards the emotion that is there,

Towards that sensation,

Listen for a moment or two and see what this emotion is about.

See what it has to say right now.

Hello,

Fluttering around my shoulders and upper chest.

What are you about?

If the emotion sensation has moved since you first scanned and found it,

Follow it.

During this meditation,

You may find yourself speaking to more than one kind of emotion sensation.

Hello,

Heaviness behind the eyes.

What are you about?

What are you connected to?

Perhaps a word or a thought.

Or an occurrence comes into your mind,

Giving you a little more awareness of what this feeling is.

You may want to repeat any words of welcome.

I'm so glad you're here.

Thank you for showing up.

I want to hear you.

And then again,

Hello,

Emotion.

What do you have to tell me right now?

Maybe there's a one word response that describes the emotion or names it.

Sadness,

Irritation,

Fear.

Anger.

Perhaps a situation or a concern or an interaction will come into your attention.

Whatever is there,

Noticing your response and making space,

If possible,

With welcome.

Thank you for telling me that.

I'm glad you're here.

This is important for me to know.

I'm connecting once again to the body sensation of the emotion.

It may be very similar to a thought or an occurrence.

What you first identified,

Or it may have changed.

It may be in a different part of the body.

It may feel different.

And bringing gentle curiosity to the emotion sensation,

However it is now.

I'm turning towards the emotion sensation again and asking,

What do you want?

With an openness and a willingness to hear.

What do you want,

Sadness?

What do you want,

Emotion that's coming to you now?

Connected to the argument we had yesterday.

And just noticing whatever comes up.

Often,

The first answer that comes up doesn't feel so clear.

It feels kind of vague.

And just noticing the best answer that comes without any need to work hard at this.

Receiving whatever answer comes.

Whatever answer is here now.

Thanking the emotion for letting you know.

It could be that the need or the want that the emotion expressed is something you identify with very much.

Something that you recognize as an important need.

Whatever need or want the emotion expressed,

We're not talking now about acting.

We're not acting on that need.

We're welcoming the emotion and hearing what it wants.

And being with that at this moment.

And that in no way defines what we must do.

If this first answer that you received is something that you can identify with as an important need,

You might say,

Thank you for holding that desire.

That's a beautiful or important thing that you want.

And if you received an answer that is not something you can welcome in that way.

See if you can still thank the emotion for letting you know what it wants.

Thank you emotion for letting me know.

I hear that that's important to you.

And now turning to emotion sensation once again,

With this question.

Let's say that you get what you just expressed as much as you desire.

Whatever the emotion wanted,

Let's say you get that.

Is there something else that you want?

Perhaps something that flows from that first desire being met?

And giving a moment for that.

And whatever answer comes up,

Welcoming the answer.

Thank you emotion sensation for sharing that with me.

That's such an important desire or wish that you have.

Thank you for letting me know.

When you ask the emotion what else it wants,

And you start by saying,

Let's say you get this first want or this third want wherever you're at in the meditation.

Let's say you get what you want.

You may get a response or a feeling or a sense that the emotion doesn't believe that that's possible.

That's important too.

You may want to ask the emotion sensation again.

If you don't think it's possible,

Is there something else that you want instead?

And then continue with that cycle of hearing what the emotion wants,

Thinking the emotion for holding that important desire or for sharing with you this inner truth.

And then asking again,

If you get this fully and completely,

Is there something else that you want that stems from this need being met?

And repeating this process until you come to an answer that says,

That's it,

That's what I want.

It usually doesn't take very long,

Perhaps 10 minutes,

Maybe less,

Until you get to that response.

That's the response from the emotion sensation,

That there's nothing more that they want.

The final want can be something practical,

Like,

I want the other person to know something about me or about something I want.

It could be something that has to do with the conflict or with the relationship.

Or it could be something else you need that's not at all connected to the other person.

The final want that you hear from the emotion sensation can also be an inner state,

Something like peacefulness or love or being fully myself.

Or shining forth from deep presence.

That's one that often comes up for me.

So pause the recording now and continue to ask the emotion sensation,

What do you want?

Welcoming and thanking,

Whatever expression you hear.

And then asking again,

Okay,

Let's say you get that as much as you want,

Is there something else that you want?

Perhaps that flows from having that first desire met.

And when you reach a final,

Need where the emotion sensation has nothing else to say that it wants,

Come back to the meditation and we'll continue with an important completion.

So whatever the final answer is,

Now see if it's possible to allow that state or intention,

Even without the chain of wants that led to it.

If it's an inner state,

See if you can take that on now or move into that sensation and experience right now.

If it's something practical,

Asking the emotion if there's anything it wants you to do.

And see if that feels right to you.

Again,

There's no need to commit to any action here.

It's powerful enough to just see what these emotions want.

And your choices of whether to do something specific will come.

Could be that the emotion just wants space,

Just wants compassion.

From you.

And to be held in the gentle embrace of your attention.

And so taking one more moment to allow this final want and any emotion sensations that are there along with it.

Thanking the emotion for its presence for its openness,

For wanting these good things for you,

Or for its role in your life in this moment.

And noticing the experience in your body with a gentle curiosity.

And now,

As we approach the end of the meditation,

Take a moment to send love and care and a gratitude to yourself for making room for feelings.

If you'd like to,

You can also send a note or send love and care and good wishes to whoever is doing this meditation,

Whenever that might be.

Connecting again to body sensations of any kind.

Noticing what is present in the body at this moment.

Reconnecting your attention to the rise and fall of the breath,

To the sensations that accompany the breath at every moment.

And now,

Slowly,

With attention,

Opening your eyes or coming back to the room.

Whenever that's right for you.

Coming back to the present moment and to the space that you're in.

Noticing that right now,

Everything's okay.

You can come back to this meditation as often as you need to or wish to.

And there are also moments or shorter versions you can find on my profile.

Use these meditations to calm yourself after conflict or to create space for emotions that are connected to high conflict issues.

The more space you can give to your feelings with as much welcome and compassion as is possible for you in the moment,

The more you'll be able to breathe through difficult emotions that arise during fights and arguments and be less triggered by them.

And have more space to choose your response in difficult interactions.

I'm wishing you well.

Thank you for being here.

And I look forward to being with you again whenever it's right for you.