Learning To Be Kind To Yourself

So we are on the second week of the seven part series of cultivating kindness in everyday life.

And last week we focused really on the random acts of kindness,

Being kind to other people in really,

Really sweet but small ways,

Like just opening the door for someone,

Letting someone go in front of you in line,

And also thinking about people we know,

Thinking about things that they're going through,

And reaching out to them,

Letting them know,

Like,

Hey,

I'm thinking about you.

And I really tried to stress that we are focusing on that feeling of connection,

Right,

That sense of belonging through kindness that is intertwined with kindness,

Not the image of me as a really kind person,

Right,

The image of me as a really good person.

Because the moment we go up into that image,

Even the good image,

It creates separation and disconnection,

And we no longer have that sense of belonging anymore.

So this week we're going to look at kindness from a different aspect.

We're going to do that every week.

And I want to look at kindness in the form of self-compassion as a way to help us heal the unworthy image that we have of ourselves.

So we can have this good image,

The kind image,

Which is dangerous as well,

But I think we would all agree the unworthy image,

The fearful image,

The what's going to happen to me image,

Causes a lot more harm for us and definitely hangs out a lot more often than the good image.

Either image is separation.

Either image takes us out of that sense of belonging.

But this one definitely does a lot more damage.

And it's been in the making a lot longer as well because it really starts in our childhood,

Right?

So this kind of slightly traumatic to very traumatic event that we had as a child when we were the last person standing on the playground after all the teams had been picked,

Or we got picked on,

We got made fun of,

Maybe we got bullied,

Right?

All of these experiences really help to fuel that unworthy image.

And of course we carry that with us into adulthood where any setback,

Any failure,

Any criticism,

Any negative feedback that we receive,

We also take that on and fuel this unworthy image of ourselves.

And then not to mention,

Of course,

All of the comparing,

Right?

The social comparing ourselves to other people.

Are we measuring up?

They've got more than me.

And then judging ourselves critically,

Belittling ourselves,

Really judging ourselves harshly.

And of course we were doing this long before social media came along.

I mean social media has definitely amped it up about a million percent.

But we've been doing this social comparison for a long time.

And so all of these things that we're doing,

All of these modes really fuel this sense of an unworthy image.

Instead of healing the image,

We just continue to inflate the image.

So I want to start with a little bit of a story that some of you know,

So you're going to hear it again,

To really help us understand what self-compassion looks like,

To understand this a little better.

It's the Monica story,

For those of you that know it.

So there's a man observes a woman in the supermarket with her three-year-old daughter in the shopping cart.

And as they go through the market,

The man just happens to always be behind the woman.

It's very,

Very innocuous,

Very innocent.

And when they get to the cookie aisle,

The little girl starts asking for some cookies.

And when the mother tells her she can't have any cookies,

She immediately begins to whine and fuss,

And the mother just says so softly,

So sweetly,

There,

There,

Monica,

Don't be upset now.

We're nearly halfway through the supermarket.

So then they get to the candy aisle,

And the little girl starts asking for some candy.

And when the mother tells her she can't have any,

She immediately starts crying.

And the mother just so softly,

So soothingly,

So caringly says,

There,

There,

Monica,

Just two more aisles and we'll be at the checkout lane.

Don't cry now.

So then they get to the checkout lane,

And the little girl's asking for some gum.

And when the mom tells her she can't have any gum,

She goes into her worst tantrum yet.

And the mother just says so softly,

So kindly,

There,

There,

Monica,

We'll be all through this checkout stand in five minutes,

And then we can go home and take a nice nap.

So the man,

Just having observed this all the way through the supermarket,

Just really blown away at how kind this mother has been to sweet little Monica.

So he goes out into the parking lot,

He follows them out to compliment the mother on her mothering skills and how nicely she talked to little Monica.

And the mother replies,

I'm Monica.

My little girl's name is Tammy.

So the whole time through the supermarket,

She's talking to herself.

She's trying to dial her own stress down,

To really take that image down.

Because we know what happens when we're in a stressful situation,

When we're in a difficult situation.

We've got a three-year-old child screaming in the shopping cart.

We tend to fuel that unworthy image.

This is such a nightmare.

This is so horrible.

I must be the only person in the world dealing with this.

And because of that negative self-talk,

Eventually it comes out of our mouths.

Maybe we get short with the child,

We kind of say something,

We're just at the end of our tether.

And we say something in a way that then gives us more fuel to feel bad about ourselves.

So just continuing the cycle.

So self-compassion is about talking kindly to ourselves.

It's about de-escalating situations.

Instead of escalating,

It's instead of reaching for the whip,

The self-flagellation that we always do every time something goes a little bit awry.

We just start whipping ourselves,

Beating ourselves,

Being so unkind,

So cruel.

Instead it's saying,

Be kind to yourself.

Talk yourself through this.

It's a difficult situation.

It's not going to last.

So really using that soothing,

Kind,

Caring,

Talk,

Talking kindly to ourselves.

So our practice is going to be self-compassion this week.

I want to make sure that we really understand what self-compassion looks like,

How it works as a practice.

And then to also address some of the challenges that we face with self-compassion.

Some of the kind of ways we misunderstand self-compassion that end up becoming a hindrance for us because we want self-compassion to be a bedrock practice.

We want talking kindly to ourselves to be a bedrock practice,

To be able to heal that unworthy image instead of fueling it.

So the first thing that we need is mindfulness.

We have to be aware of what's happening.

If we're not aware of what's happening,

Then the old patterns just keep playing out.

And the old suffering,

It just keeps playing out.

So we have to be mindful moment to moment.

Be aware of our experience.

Be aware of what we're doing and being aware of our internal experience so that when that energy shifts,

When that tension arises,

The tightness,

That feeling like something's just not quite right.

And I think we notice the feelings way faster than we notice the thoughts because our thoughts,

Especially that negative self-talk,

It's so familiar.

It's so ingrained in us.

It's so insidious.

It gets in there so fast.

And we can be 30,

40,

50 thoughts in even before we notice the tension.

But the tension is a good wake-up for us.

Hey,

Something's going on.

Pay attention.

Come back.

So it does.

It kind of wakes us up.

Oh,

What's going on?

Look around your environment.

Are there any snakes?

Are there tigers?

Does someone have a gun pointed to your head?

Most likely,

No.

So it's then,

Okay,

Well,

Let me look in my internal experience.

What am I saying to myself?

What am I doing?

How am I torturing myself right now?

And so we look.

Right?

With mindfulness,

We look into our experience.

And then we see what's going on.

Oh,

I'm still holding on to that disappointment from this morning,

Or from yesterday,

Or from last week,

From 10 years ago.

I'm still holding on to it.

Right?

Or I'm still holding on to a mistake that I made.

I'm still holding on to,

You know,

Just this feeling.

I'm just feeling a little down.

I'm feeling a little off.

My energy's a little off.

And I'm just holding on to it.

And I'm just,

I'm not able to be with it.

And so I'm kind of beating myself up about it.

I shouldn't be feeling this.

Right?

We push back on it with our thoughts.

And this is where we do the opposite of that,

Of pushing back.

We bring self-compassion in.

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That was disappointing.

Right?

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That really hurts.

You know,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That was really embarrassing.

Or,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

You know,

You made a mistake.

Everybody makes mistakes.

That's okay.

You know,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

You're feeling a little down.

That's okay.

It's okay to feel that.

Right?

So we talk to ourselves in such a kind and caring and soothing way.

And you can feel the difference in those thoughts.

Right?

Just,

It naturally brings our rate of thinking down.

Right?

It opens up the space.

We feel cared for.

We feel nurtured.

And we talk to ourselves with kindness.

And it helps to bring us towards what's happening.

Right?

To accept what it is that's happening.

We're not denying that we're in a difficult situation.

Maybe we are.

Maybe we've been on hold with customer service for two hours.

And we're at the end of our tether.

Right?

Because the little voice is saying,

I can't take this anymore.

This is a nightmare.

If I get put to one more person,

I'm going to scream.

Right?

It's a pain-worthy image.

Right?

Fueling it.

Becoming the victim.

You know,

I'm a victim.

Like ten million other people on hold with customer service.

Right?

Right?

So this is kind of,

We feel it.

But instead we're saying like,

Oh,

Sweetheart.

This is tough.

Right?

Yeah,

It is tough.

It sucks.

I'm still on hold with them and I'm not getting this resolved.

But there's this understanding that this is a normal human experience.

Right?

This is tough.

And I'll be okay.

I'm not laying on a bed of nails.

I'm on hold with customer service.

Right?

But even if it is something like,

You know,

We're really sad.

We're dealing with a breakup.

Right?

Or we've just lost our job and we have some fear of the future.

To be with that too.

Oh,

Sweetheart.

This is really sad.

Oh,

Sweetheart.

This is really scary.

Right?

To bring ourselves to the feelings.

This is what it does.

It helps us accept what's going on.

It helps to bring us towards what's happening in a healthy way,

In a skillful way.

Right?

To really talk ourselves into being with what's happening,

Whatever it is that's happening.

So we're moving closer towards it.

We're more accepting.

We're more present with what it is.

We're not deluding ourselves.

If we're in a difficult situation,

We're not denying what's going on.

We're there.

We're with it.

And the research really does show that when we talk to ourselves in the second or third person or we use that kind of sweet,

You know,

Kind of a sweet,

You know,

Honey or sweetheart or,

You know,

Buddy,

Hey buddy,

It really does,

It's more effective than first person.

Because of course,

The unworthy image is fueled by the first person.

It's like,

Hey,

I'm going through this.

I'm unhappy.

I'm not getting what I want.

Right?

So that's all kind of me,

Me,

Me,

All first person.

So when we use second and third person,

Second or third person,

It creates a little bit of space between us and what's going on.

We feel a little more like,

Oh,

Okay,

All right.

I kind of see what's going on.

Right?

We're not so in it anymore.

We have that little bit of space that we need to be like,

Oh,

I can be with this.

Right?

I'm not buried in the bubble of my misery any longer.

I can see it's still really uncomfortable and painful,

But there's just enough space right now that I can bear it.

Right?

And then also to bring in,

Excuse me,

To bring in a somatic experience,

Right,

Where we pet ourselves,

Right?

And the higher up we pet ourselves,

The more intimate it is.

Like you're talking to a child,

Right?

Oh,

Sweetheart.

That was really tough.

Oh,

Sweetie.

You're going to be okay.

You're okay.

Right?

So when we touch ourself,

It's also,

It's really soothing.

It's really caring.

It's nurturing.

Right?

This is what we want to feel.

We're trying to nurture ourselves with our language,

With our self-talk,

And also by petting ourselves.

Right?

Or you can also place your hands over your heart,

Put both hands over your heart,

Or you can make a fist over your heart and then place your palm over that fist,

Right?

And you'll see at the end when you're like,

We got this,

You know,

We got this,

Right?

To give you a little bit more courage as well.

So playing around with the different ways in which you can also bring in that somatic experience of really feeling nurtured,

Of really feeling cared for.

And then as we do this,

Right,

As we're going through this practice,

What we're doing is dissolving that little me,

The unworthy image,

Because we brought kindness to it.

It can't exist in kindness.

Right?

So it dissolves that separateness and we feel connected again.

We feel that sense of belonging again,

Even in our pain,

Because we're remembering this,

Whatever we are experiencing,

Whatever it is,

Is a normal human experience.

Everybody experiences emotions.

We're no different.

But a lot of the unworthy image,

A lot of what makes it so painful is because it is separate,

Right?

This is the ego,

The separate self,

Because it makes us feel so separate and so disconnected and we feel like we're the only one this is happening to.

No one else,

All 7.

9999 billion people on the planet have all their lives are in perfect order.

No one else is suffering anything.

Just me.

And it really exaggerates the pain that we're feeling,

That disconnection that we talked a lot about last week,

Right?

That sense,

I don't belong,

Something's wrong with me.

Right?

Right?

And so it just really further,

You know,

We keep further belittling ourselves,

Self-judging ourselves,

Criticizing ourselves.

So it really helps to dissolve the image,

The unworthy image of me through kindness,

Through healing it with kindness.

So it's the practice we bring in.

So first of all,

Mindful,

Right?

We have to be mindful of what's happening.

And then we're talking kindly to ourselves and we're petting ourselves and we're saying nice things,

Right?

And as we're talking to ourselves,

Right,

And then it's like,

Okay,

Now breathe,

Sweetheart.

Just breathe.

Let's be with it.

And you breathe and you're with it and you're feeling maybe a little more subtle.

And then you don't even realize it because the thoughts are so fast.

It comes back and it starts escalating again.

And it's like,

Okay,

Again,

Oh,

Sweetheart.

Ooh,

Yeah,

That felt a little tough.

Again,

It's okay.

It's okay.

You're here.

You're here.

You're not alone.

Keep breathing.

Just keep breathing.

Keep feeling it.

Keep being with it.

And so we keep,

You know,

Staying mindful with it.

Keep bringing in the self-compassion.

You know,

Keep petting ourselves.

Keep talking ourselves down as though we would be talking a friend,

You know,

To a friend.

You know,

Hey,

Sweetheart,

It's okay.

Let's take some breaths together.

Let's close our eyes.

Really feel that energy.

Really feel what's going on inside being with what's happening,

What's really happening,

Right?

The feelings and the emotions are real.

Our story we're telling ourselves is most likely an exaggeration and not happening in this moment.

Even,

Because even when it's in sadness,

Even when it's in,

You know,

Fear of the future about something,

It's fearing how we're going to handle it in the next moment.

It's not fearing how we're going to handle it in this moment.

It's the fear of the future,

Right?

That's not happening.

Just be with what's happening in this moment.

This is where our self-compassion practice is.

This is how we are kind to ourselves,

Being kind to ourselves in this moment.

And so it's a fairly straightforward practice in really its entirety.

It's quite simple,

Right,

When it's described like this.

But there are a few challenges,

So let's be prepared.

And the first challenge is that we always underestimate how strongly identified we are with the unworthy image,

Right?

We've been developing it.

We've been nurturing it.

We've been fueling it our whole lives.

And so we underestimate just how much it's going to come back.

It's not one day of self-compassion.

It's not,

You know,

A week of self-compassion.

I mean,

It's just continuous self-compassion.

Healing instead of hurting,

Right?

We've,

Excuse me,

Healing instead of fueling,

Which is hurting,

Yeah.

So it's a totally different response and it takes time to really,

Really fully dissolve that unworthy image.

I mean,

You'll do it in different moments,

But it's going to come back again.

So expect it.

I think one of the kindest things we can do is be realistic.

It's going to come back.

Expect it.

Don't be bowled over.

Oh man,

I practiced self-compassion all morning.

Why is it here again?

Practice self-compassion,

Right?

That's always the response.

Just keep practicing,

Keep practicing,

Keep practicing.

And then one of the other challenges,

And this happens so much,

Is that even though I just said a few minutes ago this is about coming towards our feelings,

Right?

Being with our emotions,

Being with our feelings,

Experiencing them.

Somehow we still hear in our minds that self-compassion is this magic pill and it makes the pain instantly disappear.

It makes it all just go away.

Because people say to me all the time,

I did my self-compassion,

It didn't work.

It didn't work.

It stayed.

It wasn't supposed to stay.

And it's not supposed to make our emotions go away.

It is supposed to dial them back enough because the negative self-talk is definitely exaggerating because again we're going out so much into the future,

You know,

Extrapolating,

Projecting what's going to happen now.

We're not with what's happening.

So it's about being with what it is that we're feeling because we want to feel our emotions.

We don't want to skip over this part,

Right?

If we don't,

Or I should put it another way,

When we feel our unpleasant feelings and emotions,

When we really experience sadness,

When we really know what disappointment feels like without pushing it away or frustration or heartache or fears,

The more we do that,

The more compassionate and empathetic we are.

Like we don't become more compassionate and empathetic by not feeling.

In fact,

It's just the opposite.

The less heartache you have,

The less hardship you have,

The less compassionate.

You can't relate to people's suffering.

You don't know what that's like.

So it actually helps us and in fact the research shows people that practice self-compassion,

I mean it's in the title,

Are more compassionate,

Are more empathetic,

Are more resilient because we know how to handle difficult situations.

We're in a challenging situation.

We're stressed.

You know,

The deadline's coming.

Instead of allowing that negative self-talk to push us over the edge,

We talk to ourselves kindly,

Oh sweetheart,

This is tough,

Man.

This is tough.

It's not going to last.

Breathe,

Come back.

You know,

This isn't going to be here forever.

We can go home and take a nice nap soon.

Let's be with it,

Right?

So it helps us to be more resilient in the moment and also dealing with the big emotional issues in our lives because we're able to be with our feelings and our emotions.

And it also helps us to have better relationships because self-compassion is about recognizing that we are not perfect,

That we're all going to make mistakes,

That we're all going to say the wrong thing from time to time.

Like we're all going to do it,

Every one of us.

Next week something's going to come out of each of our mouths and we're going to go,

Oh,

I can't believe I said that,

Right?

You know,

Get the whip out.

You know,

Instead of going for the whip,

Ah,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That's okay.

Everybody says the wrong thing from time to time,

Right?

Comforting ourselves.

So when we acknowledge that we're not perfect,

That we have flaws,

We can acknowledge and accept that in other people as well.

So it really helps us to have healthier relationships.

All of the research points to this.

So it's,

Oh,

Sorry,

One last thing,

One last challenge before we wrap up.

The other challenge with self-compassion is that we don't do it enough.

We do tend to save it for those big things.

And so we forget because we kind of get out of practice with it.

And so as this is our focus for this week,

Right,

Really going to practice really bringing self-compassion into the forefront of our kindness practice,

Still practicing random acts of kindness as well.

That's just a little bit smaller.

We really want to bring it into our daily practice.

Just noticing because throughout the day,

Of course,

We're always experiencing a changing of feelings and emotions.

I mean,

You've had so many changes just through this call,

Right?

You know,

We have it.

We feel a little excited.

We feel a little low,

A little flat.

Our energy is a little higher and our energy is a little bit lower.

You know,

We're feeling really happy.

We're feeling a little bit down.

Like this is normal throughout the day.

You know,

It doesn't have to be like this,

You know,

Like a roller coaster,

But just those little bits of shifts,

Right,

That happen throughout the day.

And so to really be mindful of just those little moments as well,

That intention of kindness of self-compassion.

Oh,

Sweetheart,

You're just a little tired right now.

That's okay.

It's okay to be tired.

You can feel this.

You're not the only person that feels tired right now,

Right?

So,

You know,

To keep bringing in whatever it is that we're feeling,

Right,

To acknowledge what we're feeling,

Being mindful,

Right,

So we can acknowledge what we're feeling without judging it,

Right,

Because it's a normal human experience.

So without judging,

Totally accepting it,

But being kind and caring and always trying to find that little,

You know,

That little inroad of this is normal.

There's a lot of people,

Just like me,

Millions of people around the world right now are feeling tired.

Just like me,

Millions of people around the world have low energy,

Right,

Just like me.

Millions of people around the world just put their foot in their mouth,

Right,

Just like me.

So,

You know,

Keep going through that to remember these are all normal human experiences.

We can bring kindness to these experiences in self-compassion or we can beat ourselves up.

We've tried the beat ourselves up model.

It hasn't been very pleasant.

So let's try a different model.

Let's try being kind to ourselves.

So just to recap,

We have to be mindful of the language and I'll send out,

In fact,

I'm going to do a little screenshot.

I'll send out to everyone on the call or maybe I'll,

Oh no,

Because I put it out the other week on the newsletter.

I'll send out to everyone just a list of different phrases.

Again,

Find your favorite phrase.

Just find your favorite phrase.

Find a couple of different phrases.

Put them on little sticky notes.

Put them around the house,

Right,

So that you remember to say these.

These words that you remember to be kind to yourself.

It's amazing how easily we forget to be kind to ourselves,

Right?

The farthest thing from our mind.

So put little notes around the house.

Remember what we talked about last week,

Intention,

Action,

Reflection.

First thing in the morning,

Put both hands on your heart and remember that intention.

How can I be kind to myself today?

Let's see,

I know about two o'clock my energy is going to be low because typically it is.

So I'm going to come in with some self-compassion around then.

And if I feel disappointment,

Yeah,

I'm definitely going to say something kind to myself there.

If I made a mistake,

Yeah,

There too.

There too I'm going to say something kind to myself.

So really think about,

Right,

We know the ways in which we're horrible to ourselves.

So really think about it in advance.

Those are pretty common ones that I just said.

So that intention,

Right?

So when we're having that intention first thing in the morning,

I'm going to be kind to myself,

Yeah,

Right?

We feel good.

We start the day on a good note.

And then we're more likely to follow through with the action throughout the day of actually being kind to ourselves.

And then at the end of the night,

The last thing we do when we get into bed,

Hands on our heart,

Reflect on it.

Oh man,

How many times was I kind to myself today?

Oh man,

I was beating myself up.

Oh,

And then I came in with it and I was kind there and that felt really good.

Always feeling the connection,

Right?

The belonging that comes through kindness,

Not the image,

Oh,

I'm so kind to myself.

Right?

We don't want that.

Because on the other side of that good image is the unworthy image.

Can't have one without the other.

So really just focusing on how that felt.

To be able to be kind to yourself,

To be supportive when you were going through something difficult,

When you were going through a challenge.

Like really reflecting on that,

Like,

Yeah,

That was a different way to go through the day and I was actually,

I felt good.

Right?

I even felt good when I wasn't feeling good because there's this tension around,

I don't want to be feeling this.

Right?

And you can even just,

Giving ourselves permission to feel.

Right?

We're not robots.

Not yet.

AI hasn't taken over completely.

You know?

So let's feel.

We're meant to feel.

We're meant to have emotions.

But the more we come towards them,

Accepting them in a kind and loving and caring way,

Right?

This is how we're able to be with our emotions.

How we're able to grow through our emotions,

To not have fear of our emotions and not to feel that unworthy image that's always coming out of the negative self-talk,

The opposite practice of self-compassion.

So lots of self-compassion this week.

That is our practice.