Sangha: Balancing The Heart & Wisdom | Ego Images | Tonglen

So we haven't done a compassion,

A heart opening practice in a while and it is always really good to balance out our wisdom practices,

Our wisdom,

The wisdom teachings,

Our concentration meditation or samatha or vipassana,

Mantras,

With also opening the heart as well.

You know,

It really connects us back to what's,

You know,

It is a portal,

It is an easy access portal to touching what is real,

To touching the awareness,

The universal consciousness,

Soul,

Spirit,

Whatever you want to call it.

When we open the heart and kindness,

I think such an accessible practice for us and a practice for us to keep remembering the reason I asked you to think about some acts of kindness that you've done because I know every single one of you here has done many acts of kindness.

And while I'm not trying to get us to make some image out of this of us being kind because any image is not taking us to what's real,

It is also conventionally speaking good for us to remember all of the acts of kindness as well.

We tend to focus on all of the mind,

Tends to look for problems,

Tends to look at our look at ourselves in a very unkind way,

Right?

We remember our flaws,

We remember every mistake we've made,

Every stupid thing we've ever said,

Every relationship challenge we've ever had,

And we don't often think about the things that we've done that were really kind.

Again,

Just to remember that spontaneousness of the act of kindness that just arises within us,

That is the shared,

It is the understanding that we are connected.

Why else would we go out of our way,

Right?

So,

It really is this,

Like when it's,

I should caveat that sometimes,

I should caveat that sorry,

When it's altruistic kindness,

Because of course we can be practicing strategic kindness which is from the ego,

Where we're looking for something to get out of it.

But I think in that most times in the kindness that that spontaneous act of kindness,

It's just a stranger,

It's someone you know,

There's nothing really,

There's nothing you can get out of it other than that feeling good from helping someone,

From letting them go in front of you by offering them a compliment,

You know,

By share you're in line together and you kind of have a laugh about the fact that we're all stuck in line together or something,

Right?

So there is,

You know,

It very often is just this altruistic act of kindness,

We're in this together and it's good for us to remember those acts of kindness as well.

Again,

Not to make an image out of it,

We have to be so careful of those images,

Because of course those images can be so easily shattered.

When someone,

When we're having a relationship challenge,

Someone's being unkind to us,

Someone's trying to hurt us,

Right?

When people are hurt,

People are hurt,

Their strategy for trying to alleviate that hurt,

If they're doing it unskillfully,

Is often to try and hurt you.

And the only way that we could feel hurt,

I mean,

We could feel that initial hurt,

Sorry,

There is an initial hurt,

But if it lingers,

If it's something that we're carrying around with us and we find we're pushing back on our heads,

We're trying to defend ourselves,

We're trying to put them down because they put us down,

That's because there was an image of us that got shattered.

That's why we don't want to make anything out of a kind image,

I'm a kind person,

Right?

The kind acts,

What are we touching through the kindness?

Yes,

Yes,

Use that,

But don't turn yourself into a kind person,

Another image,

Because inevitably you will have someone being unkind to you,

Someone trying to hurt you,

There's a lot of hurt people in the world,

A lot of hurt people in the world.

And we have to remember on the spiritual path,

It does not mean that people won't be unkind to us,

Or they won't try and put us down,

That they won't try and hurt us.

And when things are going very well,

When the conditions are good and everyone is being kind to us,

And everyone is saying nice things about us,

Not to get too complacent there,

Not to make that into something,

Oh yes,

I'm so getting this because everyone's being kind to me,

That's when we have to be,

We have to take those good conditions and apply more effort into our practice,

Because we 100% know those conditions are going to change.

It is not going to take long before someone is now being unkind to us,

So to remember when we're experiencing good conditions,

When we're experiencing peaceful conditions,

And it's beautiful and it's wonderful and of course let's all enjoy those good conditions,

To not get lost in any image,

To not make it,

Not turn it into anything,

To not get lost in any image,

To not make it,

Not turn it into anything,

An image of me,

Peaceful.

We've talked about the peaceful image in the past,

Well we talk about the images a lot because that's where the problem arises,

The image.

Who else could be hurt?

Of course we can feel the initial hurt when someone says something to us unkind,

We're not trying to be psychopaths here,

Sociopaths right?

We want to feel and we should feel that initial hurt,

Absolutely,

And comfort ourselves,

Self-compassionate,

Well that was a little harsh,

That was a little hard,

You know bring ourselves back into our experience to be with what's here,

Maybe to examine is there something I need to be looking at there,

Is there something helpful,

Right?

But then to be able to let it go,

Because if we can't let it go,

If we carry it around with us the rest of the day,

If we keep saying to ourselves,

They shouldn't have said that,

I should say this.

If we're trying to prove ourselves,

Defend ourselves,

Put someone else down,

That's our also our go-to there,

Well they're just a jerk,

They're suffering,

They're such,

They're such a need,

They need to meditate more,

Right?

Just all the little ways that we we try and put them down,

100 percent,

You have created an image of yourself,

That's what's suffering,

The attachment,

The identity to the image,

The ego,

Right?

This is what you know,

Where we've talked about through the whole ego series,

Which we're always talking about,

Or at least I'm,

I think every spiritual teacher is talking about,

This is the problem,

This misidentification with an image,

And that image being so dependent upon what others think of us,

Dependent upon what we think of us,

Not recognizing,

Right?

The wisdom would tell us our perceptions of how we are perceiving ourselves is always changing,

Always changing,

As fleeting as little soap bubbles pop up,

Blow the little bubbles,

That's how fleeting our perception of ourself is,

I'm great one minute,

I'm this,

I'm something,

The next minute I'm horrible,

I'm a kind person,

I'm a kind person,

I'm an unkind person,

I'm an intelligent person,

I'm an idiot,

You know,

I'm great at this,

I suck at this,

Right?

These perceptions constantly,

Constantly changing,

Constantly changing,

And yet we hold on to each and every single one of these images,

As though they're true,

As though they're fixed,

As though they are reality.

This is the point of meditation,

Of mindfulness,

Of compassion,

All of these practices helping us to see,

You are not this image,

Don't get lost in it,

Don't get lost in it,

Because every time you get lost in the image of me,

Pushing back,

Trying to prove yourself,

Trying to defend yourself,

Trying to put someone else down,

You are watering all the seeds of anger and resentment and judgment,

Of jealousy,

Of regret,

Of feeling unworthy,

Unlovable,

That's the practice that you are doing in that moment.

Not the practice you want to be doing,

So really identifying that image more often,

Noticing if you're hurt,

And it's something that happened hours ago,

A day ago,

Let's say,

There is,

You know,

We do have to give ourselves a little bit of a break to be with our,

You know,

To be with the hurt as well,

Give ourselves a little bit of time to be with the hurt,

We're not trying to push it away,

But to notice whenever we're getting lost in the image,

Again,

We're proving something,

We're defending,

We're putting down,

We're pushing back,

That's not being with the hurt,

That's being attached to the image that's hurt,

Not allowing us to be with the person that's hurt,

To be with ourselves,

Sorry,

With the hurt feelings,

Sorry,

Not allowing us to be with the feeling of hurt,

It's okay to be with our feelings,

We need to be with our feelings,

It should hurt if someone is unkind,

It shouldn't hurt for days,

We shouldn't,

And we shouldn't be trying to prove or defend ourselves,

That's happening up in our thoughts,

That's happening with the image,

That's where we're watering all the seeds we don't want to be watering,

So just be careful on this path,

Be careful when the conditions are good and everyone's being nice,

Just know that's going to change,

It's going to change,

Don't get attached to that,

If we make that the conditions for being peaceful,

Then our peace is conditioned,

That's not what we're doing on the spiritual path,

We are practicing to see,

To settle the mind,

To see the thought habits and patterns,

To see how the mind keeps going out and making an image out of things,

To see those patterns,

So that we can then pull ourselves back,

To keep coming back into seeing like,

Oh,

That's not who I am,

I'm not that image,

And it's just such an easy trap for us to get lost in when the conditions are good,

So I'm not trying to burst anyone's bubble when the conditions are good,

Definitely appreciate them,

Have gratitude,

Just don't make any image out of it,

And be prepared,

Be prepared,

These conditions will change,

They will,

There is absolutely zero doubt in my mind that they will,

Zero doubt in my mind they will change,

They will change,

They absolutely will,

They do for everyone,

It does not matter who you are,

Everything in the world is impermanent,

So if you're having everything's working,

Everyone's being kind,

It's inevitable,

It's going to change,

It doesn't mean it has to go to its extreme,

But something will start to wobble a little bit,

There'll be a misunderstanding somewhere,

A miscommunication,

And not to get lost in that,

To recognize,

Yeah,

That's going to happen,

It's going to happen,

Yes,

You know,

If we've done something wrong,

If we were part of that miscommunication and we feel we should apologize,

Absolutely,

Apologize,

Of course,

Of course,

Practice tonglen,

I'm often recommending that as a practice,

A practice that I do at the end of my own meditations,

I always do a couple minutes of tonglen at the end,

Because the compassion part is a huge part of our practice,

Or it's,

It is an equal part,

Wisdom and compassion,

We need,

In Tibetan Buddhism,

We say the bird needs two wings to fly,

Just as we need the wing of wisdom and compassion in order to awaken,

So making sure as well that when you're in your spiritual practice,

That you are doing compassion practices,

Simply like the kindness practice that we did already,

Or gratitude practice,

A loving kindness practice,

A tonglen practice,

The more traditional compassion practice,

Right,

Being doing something that is also opening the heart,

Compassion is not an intellectual exercise,

And it's very easy to take the wisdom teachings and,

And just become very intellectual with them and think we're getting it,

No one's getting the wisdom teachings without an open heart,

It's not happening,

Your heart has to be open for the intellectual,

For the wisdom teachings to go from an intellectual understanding down into a place of knowing,

It's when the heart is open,

That these things,

That it happens,

That the insights really grow,

So making sure that we are balancing out our practice as well with compassion practices,

With kindness practices,

I have a whole,

On my teacher's page,

We did seven weeks of kindness a year ago,

I think it was a year ago on our Sunday sanghas,

On insight timer,

And um,

You know,

Kindness,

Such a good practice,

Not making an image out of me being kind,

I'm constantly referencing that through the whole series.

But you know,

Actively practicing kindness,

Actively practicing gratitude,

When appropriate,

Not in the moment that I've been hurt,

That is not the appropriate time to practice gratitude,

That's the time to be with my hurt,

That's the time for self-compassion,

A different heart practice,

Right?

And to understand that in this hurt,

Because in all the challenges that we face,

This is also where I grow,

This is where I see if I'm creating the images again,

Where that suffering,

That tightening up happens,

It's where I start to see,

If the suffering is still here,

Different from just being with the hurt,

The pain of the hurt,

The suffering,

The story,

If the suffering is still here,

Oh,

I must be making an image out of this somewhere,

I'm misidentifying who I am,

Okay,

I apparently needed to see that,

Right?

And so you see it,

Ah,

Yes,

There it was,

Here I was defending myself again,

I thought I was done with that,

But perhaps it was just the good conditions,

Okay,

No problem,

No problem,

No problem for it,

Because you saw it,

Great,

You saw it,

Fantastic,

Right?

The moment you see it,

Like,

Fantastic,

Great,

I saw it,

Yeah,

Yeah,

That tendency is still there,

Okay,

I do need to be,

You know,

Mindful of this image,

I need to be extra mindful when the conditions are good,

To appreciate those good conditions,

But to make sure that I am not misconstruing the peaceful conditions for wisdom,

The wisdom and compassion that holds us in the center through the ups and downs of life,

Through the impermanence,

The good conditions,

The unpleasant conditions,

The winning,

The losing,

The praise,

The criticism,

The blame,

Right,

The comfort,

The discomfort,

Right,

That,

Ah,

Yeah,

All these things are changing,

All these things are changing,

And it will be that way always,

There's not some awakened state that you get to,

That means that you don't ever get criticized,

Or you don't ever make a mistake,

Or that someone doesn't misunderstand something that you're doing,

It's simply that there's not a big,

There's no attachment to an image around it,

So there's no suffering,

That's what we're trying to do,

That's what this path is,

Is to end the suffering,

The pain is inevitable,

We can't avoid it,

The suffering is optional,

I can't remember who said that,

Someone said that,

Pain is inevitable,

Suffering is optional,

And it's such a good saying,

Because it just reminds us,

Yeah,

We're all going to experience difficult times,

But the suffering,

That's what we're doing,

We're doing the suffering in the pushing back,

In the proving,

In the putting down,

Putting down ourselves or putting down others,

Or putting down others,

That's where the suffering is coming from,

Okay,

I'm just going to go back and see some of the comments here,

Okay,

So from Angela,

I had a patient who was really rude today at work,

And for the rest of the day it bothered me,

And is still doing so tonight,

I also made the mistake of retaliating,

Which got me into trouble,

Okay,

So,

It sounds like you're probably,

You're in the medical field,

You're in,

Maybe you're a doctor,

You're a nurse,

So in some way you were interacting with a patient who was probably suffering,

And they were rude to you,

And you didn't catch it,

You didn't catch the image being formulated,

That's okay,

That's okay,

Because I think you're maybe catching it now,

Or at least maybe hearing a little bit of what I'm talking about now,

But you also saw that because it bothered you the rest of the day,

Because of what was swimming around in your head,

It then led to an action,

That then came back and hurt you,

Because you got,

It sounds like you got reprimanded for it,

I mean,

That's the problem too,

Is that the more pushing back on our head,

The more defensive we get,

The more righteous we kind of feel,

And our indignation that someone,

How dare they be rude to me,

Right,

There's this,

It kind of,

We feel well within our rights to try and push back,

And we're not thinking clearly,

Understanding the bigger picture,

That hey,

I'm at work,

I could,

This could have consequences for me,

This may not be a good act for me,

But not just at work,

But also just the karmic consequences of it,

Right,

Because even if we retaliate in some way,

And we think it feels good in that moment,

It doesn't really feel good.

It's just a quick way for us to,

You know,

We're hurting someone else to get,

To try and alleviate our pain,

And then of course,

All that happens is they want to try and hurt us back again,

But also in that hurting someone else,

If we're not even feeling directly the pain of that,

Right,

Then we have really closed up our hearts.

We have really closed up our hearts,

And we suffer for that.

So,

It happened,

It happened.

You are human,

Angela.

You are human.

It is okay.

It happened.

Now it's time to practice self-compassion.

Okay,

It happened.

Of course,

You wish it didn't happen,

But it did happen.

You can't change that now,

But you can learn from this,

So that it hopefully doesn't happen in the future,

So that you can notice it,

Right?

You can see the cycle of suffering that happened.

One person was rude because of something going on with them.

We always think it's about us.

How dare they be rude to me?

But if you could see into their last 12 hours or 24 hours,

And you could see all the stress that they were under,

You could see how,

Yeah,

They were just ready to blow at something,

Right?

They're just looking for somewhere to offload,

Because they're so frustrated,

They're so suffering,

They don't know what to do.

They don't know how to be with their pain,

Right?

And so,

Yeah,

When we're the recipient of it,

It hurts.

It hurts.

I am with you,

Angela.

It hurts,

And it should hurt,

Right?

And that's where the self-compassion comes in.

So when it happens again,

Because we all encounter rude people from time to time,

Right?

People that are suffering,

People that are suffering,

Right?

Initially,

When it happens,

Self-compassion,

Be with the feeling.

Don't scoot over the feeling and go right back into the pushing back,

And they're such a jerk,

And how could they do this,

Getting lost in it?

Come in and feel it.

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That was tough,

Right?

You know,

Give it a couple of minutes,

Right?

Give it,

I mean,

A couple minutes if they have to,

You have to finish the interaction with them,

Right?

But even as you're interacting with them,

Of course,

Breathing,

You know,

Coming out of the thoughts,

Just coming in,

Just breathing in a way,

Just being with what's here,

Pausing for a moment before you respond,

Right?

Much better response than letting it get,

Getting lost in your thoughts,

And then,

And then retaliating later,

And then having that come back to bite you.

But the fact that it already happened,

Please,

Angela,

No beating yourself up for this.

No beating yourself up,

You're human.

You and 100 million other people today acted in the same way.

Hundreds of millions reacted in the same way.

But you are sitting here right now on a Dharma talk.

And you are willing to look and see where you could have done something differently,

Where the suffering was really coming from.

So good for you that that's what the,

That's what the you know,

Whatever,

You know,

What led you here,

Was something inside of you that said,

I want to do this differently in the past in the future.

I don't want to keep engaging in this way.

So self compassion,

And also making sure that you are doing compassion practices.

Tonglen being such a beautiful compassion practice.

And I have a couple of talks on my teacher's page about Tonglen.

But I'll just briefly talk about this because,

You know,

Compassion practices.

And I kind of use compassion as an umbrella for,

Like,

Any heart opening practice.

But then so it could be gratitude,

Kindness,

Forgiveness,

Generosity,

Care,

Love,

Loving kindness,

Right?

It can be any of those types of practices.

But then there's also its own category of compassion practices,

Compassion being where the heart meets pain.

And,

And so these types of practices as well,

Which are such an important part in Tonglen,

I consider to be the heavyweight of compassion practices,

Because not only are we willing to look at suffering,

Which we are not very often willing to look at,

But that we are able to take on the suffering of others and transform it.

Because that's what the practice is,

We're really bringing in the suffering of others and transforming it,

You know,

Bringing in the fears,

The worries of someone and sending back healing,

Loving light,

You know,

Bringing in their pain,

Their fears and sending back the comfort and warmth of our support and our light,

Right?

So there's this,

This,

It's a visualization is what you're breathing it in dark,

Heavy smoke,

Sending back this beautiful white light.

Also,

There's the wisdom teaching of emptiness in there,

Right?

We're transforming,

Because what we're saying is that in emptiness,

We're understanding,

It's not just one thing.

It's never just one thing.

So we can take the suffering of others,

And we can transform it in a way that helps us to see what's really going on when someone's acting like a jerk,

They are suffering.

And so the more that we can practice,

You know,

Compassion alongside of our wisdom practices,

You know,

The more that our heart stays open.

And then one day,

You really do find,

You really do find this,

Angela,

One day,

Someone's rude to you.

And you think,

My God,

They are suffering.

It's not personal at all,

They are suffering.

And you still don't skip over the,

You know,

The feeling hurt,

Like,

Yes,

Of course,

You know,

It still hurts.

Yeah,

Okay,

Be with that.

But they are suffering.

Right?

And it's like this,

I've told this before,

But I'll just tell it again.

There's this little story of where two men are walking towards a corner,

Towards each other,

And they're going to come around the corner.

One is a very busy business man,

And he's late for his appointment.

And the other guy is coming back from the grocery store,

And he's got his bags of groceries with him.

It's kind of late or early evening.

And as they come around the corner,

They hit each other.

And all the groceries go flying,

And the eggs go flying,

And it's just a big mess.

And the businessman is so furious,

Because he's now he's going to be late,

And this guy got in his way.

And he's just about to launch into the guy to start screaming at him for getting in his way.

And then he notices the walking stick.

And he notices the sunglasses.

And it's getting pretty dark.

And immediately he realizes he's blind.

And all the anger and resentment that he had moments ago,

Vanishes.

And immediately says,

Are you okay?

Can I help you?

Let me get this all together for you.

That's what compassion practices do for us.

All of the wisdom,

The wisdom teachings that we're hearing,

That we hear at an intellectual level,

That makes sense at an intellectual level,

When the heart is open,

And we go,

Oh,

My God,

They are suffering.

How could I be angry at them?

They are suffering.

So let this,

Angela,

Let this be a teaching for you.

This is part of your path.

This is part of your practice.

We've all gone through it.

We will all continue to go through it.

Right?

You're not alone.

You are not alone with this.

Right?

But every time we go through an experience like this,

It helps us to see what am I not getting?

What practices am I not doing enough?

Right?

What is it that,

Where did I,

You know,

What can I learn from this?

And so I hope,

I hope that,

I hope right now you are practicing self-compassion,

Not beating yourself up,

Because that's the same mind movement,

Where you were retaliating against this,

This person that was rude before.

Now you're retaliating against yourself.

And it's still just an unworthy image.

Right?

So really,

Self-compassion,

You are human.

You are human.

Every single one of us screws up and makes mistakes.

Our practice is not to beat us up for that.

It's not to,

It's not to imagine that we should be perfect.

We're never going to be perfect.

Even seeing through the illusion of separateness,

Seeing through the image as not being you,

Doesn't mean that you're not going to screw up,

Because we live in this world,

This conventional reality,

And mistakes happen,

Miscommunications happen.

We interact with people.

And even so,

It might be even just a day where you're stressed and you're tired and you just have a moment,

Right?

We all have a moment.

So give yourself a break.

Begin again.

Begin again.

Begin again.

Self-compassion.

Oh,

Sweetheart.

Wasn't your best thing to do today.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah,

Yeah.

Wasn't my best.

All right,

But we can learn.

Yeah,

We can learn.

And I can,

You know,

Just even hold myself in my heart,

Imagining taking on the suffering and transforming it into healing light,

Because you were suffering.

You know,

His,

His,

I think you said it was a guy,

His,

You know,

The rude person was,

You know,

Caused some suffering there.

And then it just,

You know,

It just creates this endless cycle,

Right?

We retaliate,

Then they retaliate,

And they retaliate.

And this is what everyone's doing.

And we are here on a Dharma talk to take a different path to say,

We don't want to continue this cycle of suffering.

We want to step off of this.

We want to see reality.

We want to live with a more open heart.

And that does not mean,

By the way,

In fact,

I think I'm going to,

I saw,

Who was it?

Okay.

Okay.

And I'm going to come back to you in a minute,

Joanne,

Because I did see your comment is the ego.

Okay,

I'm not sure I might come back to this.

But,

But just being careful that we don't imagine with an open heart,

With the practice of kindness,

That we are allowing everyone to treat us poorly,

That we become doormats,

That we can't set boundaries,

That we can't speak up when someone is,

Is treating us in a way that we don't find is appropriate.

That absolutely,

The wisdom,

And just to your point there,

Kay,

I guess the ego,

That yeah,

The ego is so hurt by the rude person.

But in the absence of the ego and seeing that's not me.

In the absence of that,

It's replaced with wisdom.

The wisdom to understand this is inappropriate.

Like if someone is rude,

I wouldn't turn around and,

And,

And kowtow to them.

Like I wouldn't just,

I mean,

I would just kind of keep it cool.

You know,

Let,

Let it kind of,

You know,

I would,

I would just be careful to not like,

Become a punching bag for someone.

So if someone's being rude,

Someone's being unkind,

Especially though you're in a work situation,

Like I would take care of what needs to get done,

I would probably,

You know,

Not be overly effusive,

But I wouldn't be the other,

I wouldn't go to the opposite extreme either.

I would just think,

You know,

Just stay centered with this right now.

Because people,

It is important for people to understand too,

There are consequences for their behavior.

And if you turn around and then you're just,

So again,

Having an open heart,

Being kind,

Having compassion does not mean that we're just falling all over ourselves.

Now,

The businessman example and the blind man,

Like the example there,

Of course,

In that example,

We would all respond the same way.

But the point there,

Is that we are keeping our hearts open.

Because if you can understand,

Oh,

They're suffering,

They don't need my judgment.

They don't need me putting them down in my head.

And I don't need that either.

So I can just stay present,

I can take care of what needs to get done here.

And then just,

You know,

Because it's a work situation,

You kind of have to be there still.

Once that person's checked in,

Or you've done whatever blood work or whatever it is you need to do on them.

Okay,

That's over.

And then you move on.

And if later,

They come to you and say,

I'm sorry,

Or you have a new interaction,

Then you've got to go back later,

You're not carrying the heaviness of what happened before.

And now you can think like,

Oh,

Hey,

How you doing now?

Everything okay?

Right?

Because you're not holding on to any grudge from before as well.

But this does not mean that all of a sudden we fall all over ourselves,

Because someone's being rude to us,

Fall over all over them.

Or again,

That we don't have the wisdom to understand that we can't that we that we should,

In fact,

Speak up for ourselves,

When appropriate,

When appropriate.

And the wisdom is what guides us.

The wisdom is what tells us,

Yeah,

This is an appropriate time to say something.

This is an appropriate time not to say something.

Right?

The wisdom is what guides us.

Because in the wisdom,

We're not trying to prove anything,

We're not trying to defend ourselves,

We're not trying to put anyone down.

Right?

And so instead,

It's just I recognize this isn't appropriate,

This person is speaking to me in a way that's inappropriate,

This person is using language that I'm not comfortable with.

And I can say it,

You know,

In the present moment,

Without fear,

Without having to put them down for why they did that to just say,

Like,

This isn't appropriate.

You know,

I'll often say,

Like,

I know,

This isn't your intention,

Just giving them the benefit of the doubt.

I know,

I know,

This isn't your intention.

But this isn't appropriate.

This type of conversation isn't appropriate.

And sometimes the people respond well,

And sometimes they don't.

And that's okay.

That's,

I'm not,

You know,

Even in that,

Like,

If someone's not responding well,

Because we spoke up for ourselves,

And we really do feel like maybe we've had some reflection,

We're like,

Nope,

I don't think I was,

I wasn't putting them down.

I wasn't doing it in an aggressive way.

And,

And the wisdom to say,

Yeah,

Okay,

Sometimes that's how it goes.

Right?

Sometimes that's how it goes.

It's not very often it happens that way.

But every now and then it does.

And that's okay.

And that's okay.

Okay.

So I hope that helps Angela.

Okay,

So let me go back.

And I think,

Uh,

Okay,

So Kay,

I think I'm sorry,

It was your comment.

I think I covered that then,

If kindness is exploited.

Yeah,

Like,

We have to be careful.

Don't we want to make sure that our kindness is based in wisdom.

Okay,

So Joanne,

When you're saying being too kind,

I lose so much energy,

Even though I think you're saying you're not expecting anything back.

Yeah,

I think the word there,

I would say is being too kind.

We always have to be careful,

Compassion,

And I'm going to put kindness under the compassion practices here.

You know,

We have a limit.

And even though it's good that you're like you said,

You're not expecting anything back in return.

We also have to make sure that our kindness practice is including us.

And if your energy is feeling low,

Then you need to be kind to yourself,

And take care of yourself.

We're not an endless energizer bunny.

I mean,

I do not,

I am not a high energy person.

I am a very low energy person.

Meaning just just throughout the day,

Like my energy just fades.

And and so I know like my limitations,

My limitations,

Like I want to,

You know,

I would love to just have 24 hours of endless energy to go and do kind and generous acts for the world.

I simply don't have that type of energy.

And understanding that I know,

Like I have to be kind to myself.

Otherwise,

If I'm not kind to myself,

My compassion is getting drained very quickly.

And so I think what I would suggest for you here,

Joanne,

Is is make sure that your kindness practice is including yourself.

Kindness to yourself.

Two of our classes in the kindness series that we did on Insight Timer,

And again,

They're on my teacher's page,

Involved kindness to ourselves.

We have to be kind to ourselves,

That's being wise.

If you're not being kindness to kind to yourself,

Then your energy is going to run out and you're not going to be kind.

Because we have limits,

We have limitations.

We're human,

You're human,

Joanne,

You're human.

Be kind to yourself,

Be kind to yourself,

Be kind to yourself.

Okay.

I have little bracelets,

I have little bracelets,

I have little mindfulness bracelets.

And I do send them to anyone,

Particularly if you're in the States,

If you guys want to send me your address,

But one of them says,

Be kind to yourself.

Actually,

All of them have,

Almost all of them have some reference to kindness.

Because kindness is just one of the most powerful practices,

But it is kindness rooted in wisdom.

Kindness in wisdom.

That is sustainable kindness.

Kindness in wisdom doesn't make an image of me being kind.

Kindness in wisdom is recognizing our shared connection.

Okay.

Thank you for sharing that,

Joanne,

Because that's a great point.

And what a beautiful message from Monica.

Yes,

Angela,

You're human,

We are all human.

Can we please be kind to ourselves and give ourselves a break?

Right?

Especially on the spiritual path,

Be kind to yourself,

Be kind to yourself.

No,

There's no room here for beating ourselves up.

We're learning,

We're learning,

We're practicing,

We're doing our best.

And I think,

Kay,

That I addressed your question,

But just to kind of reiterate again here,

Where you're talking about the ego exploiting the act of kindness.

Yeah,

It's the image.

The moment we make an image out of,

Oh,

I'm such a kind person,

Or,

Oh,

I hope someone saw that,

Right?

Or we have to tell someone,

Like we're kind of telling someone in a way like we're trying to,

Oh,

I want them to see I'm a kind person.

All of that is the ego.

The ego loves to come in and take credit for the kindness.

And then it's all back to all about me.

It's not about the shared connection anymore.

It's back up in this image.

So yes,

Be so careful,

Be so careful of the image of me kind,

Right?

Reflect on the kindness.

A big part of the kindness series that we did was intention,

Action,

Reflection.

Every morning having the intention for kindness,

Looking for those opportunities for acts of kindness.

And so kind of priming us for the acts of kindness,

The action of actually doing the acts of kindness,

And then the reflection at the end of the night.

So when you're lying in bed,

The reflection,

Not the image of me kind,

But what is it that you are touching every time you did an act of kindness?

Like coming into what is it that I am touching here?

Like I'm touching our spiritual heart here,

Our divine heart.

You are connecting to that part of you that knows that we are all one.

And that's what we want to keep using kindness for,

To keep coming back when we reflect and we go,

Man,

Because when you feel that,

That is so much nicer than the image of me being kind.

I mean,

It's because it's expansive,

It's open,

It's complete,

It's whole,

It's,

There's no grasping in it.

It's just,

Oh yeah,

Yeah,

That's,

That's right.

We're all one,

Right?

And that refuels us.

But the image becomes,

Any image becomes a burden,

Any image,

Even the image of me being kind can become a burden.

Now I have to live up to the kind image.

And what if I have a moment and I'm not feeling very kind?

Now I'm,

Now I'm holding the image of me being unkind.

Remember that image,

Those little soap bubbles,

Just constantly changing images.

None of them you,

None of them you.

Just constantly changing perceptions,

Just constantly changing.

None of those images connecting you with reality.

None of those images helping you.

Or,

As I always want to give a little room,

There's a conventional part where I will give the ego a little bit of credit.

If everyone is criticizing us,

There's probably something for us to pay attention to.

There's probably something we need to change.

And sometimes that,

That kind of just incessantness of the ego can,

Although I would also even say,

Again,

Like the conventional self,

Conventionally is thinking like,

Yeah,

Okay,

I probably need to do something about that.

But I would actually even just say,

Then it's the wisdom,

The wisdom can see that,

The wisdom can see that.

And I doubt everyone would be criticizing us if we're acting out of the ego.

And I doubt everyone would be criticizing us if we're acting out of the ego,

Not if we're,

If you have seen that you are not the ego,

People will still criticize you.

I doubt everyone would be criticizing you.

Hopefully that makes sense.

Okay,

We'll go back to a few more questions here.

From Thomas,

I don't know the song no more,

Or sorry,

Called the gentle art of making enemies.

Yeah,

It's,

I mean,

Even again,

There's always,

There's,

It's,

I think it's impossible to be on this planet and not hurt people.

I mean,

Just we walk outside,

We step on ants,

Right?

There's,

There's this,

Um,

There was this commercial from years ago,

Where it was for Kleenex tissues.

And it was this monk walking around,

Like not hurting anything,

Picking up the little,

I don't know,

The butterfly and,

And the little ant said,

Oh,

Putting him to the side,

Making sure everything was safe.

And,

And then he sneezes and he reaches for a tissue.

And then he looks on the tissue box and it says kills 99.

9% of all bacteria.

And he thinks,

Oh,

No,

Like,

Like,

Right,

I can't avoid it.

I'm going to kill something.

I'm going to cause some harm,

Even when we're doing something good.

You know,

We think we're doing an act of kindness in one direction.

I,

I've had some issues sometimes in doing some like kind of dog rescue stuff down here.

That sometimes I've done something we're thinking I'm just so focused on the dog that suffering and we need to do something I need to help the situation.

And not understanding that someone else was upset by my actions.

And so yeah,

I mean,

I had this woman yell at me once I'd taken this dog in and she was so upset because the dog had actually caused some problems to someone else.

But the dog was really badly wounded.

And I just took it.

I'm like,

I'm just going to keep the dog while we're just getting him healed.

And she was really upset about it.

She had a cat,

She was worried the dog was going to attack her cat.

And,

You know,

So you think you're doing a good act,

You think you're doing an act of kindness,

And it ends up someone else is upset about it.

So I think you're right,

Thomas,

That I think it is impossible for us to not hurt people.

That there can always,

There can be unintended consequences or collateral damage.

But for all of the hurting of others that we're doing,

That's coming from our ego,

Because our own little image of ourselves is shattered.

And we're trying to fight back and we're putting down someone and we're defending ourselves.

Like that is not necessary.

And I that is not necessary.

And I think the majority of the hurting of others is coming from this misidentification of who we are,

These are fragile little egos that just take everything so personally.

And so I think so much of the hurt is coming from that,

Which is not necessary.

But yeah,

Occasionally,

You know,

Occasionally,

It's going to happen.

It's going to happen.

Yeah,

Actually,

Thomas,

So I would say what you're saying here about if someone's acting rude,

If even in the work situation,

Actually,

I'll even give that yeah,

Even in the work,

Like,

I think it would be fair enough to say something along the lines of like,

That felt a little unnecessary that felt,

You know,

I don't,

You know,

I would appreciate it if you didn't speak to me that way,

I would be a little bit softer in a work situation if just because,

You know,

In the in the work setting,

I would be a little bit more softer with it and a little bit more firm,

I'm still firm,

Sorry,

But I would be a little bit I would probably use exactly what you just said there and have in fact,

If I'm having a conversation with someone and and the conversation has turned in a way that maybe they're being passive aggressive,

Or they're putting me down.

Again,

Like I'm okay with people having a difference of opinion,

Like we all have difference of opinions,

Nobody,

You know,

No one ever agrees 100% with everyone else.

I might agree with 90% of what this person says 80% of what this person says,

And 70% of what this person says,

But nobody agrees 100% with everyone.

But the ego can't handle that,

Of course.

And so I have no problem with someone does,

You know,

Disagrees with me,

That's fine.

It's when they're putting you down,

Because of it,

It's like,

Well,

Hang on,

You disagreed with something.

But if you're putting me down,

That's not you've kind of gotten off the point of that there was a disagreement here.

But now you're calling me a name,

Like,

I don't appreciate that.

In fact,

I would even just say,

If that's where we're,

If you're going to call me names about this,

Then I'm not going to engage in this conversation.

Because it doesn't sound like you want the truth.

It sounds like you just want to be right.

So yeah,

I agree with what you're saying there,

Thomas.

And again,

I think the more present we are,

The more able that we are to feel that someone's being rude,

Because it doesn't happen that often.

But so it does catch us a little bit off guard sometimes.

Noticing that tightening up that wanting to go up in the story breathing.

Right,

Kind of bringing yourself back down,

Taking a pause for a moment.

And then trusting that if you can center yourself back again,

The right words will come the right words,

The appropriate words for that situation for the context of it's a professional setting,

If it's a friend's,

If it's family,

If it's an acquaintance,

Whatever it is,

If you are present,

The appropriate words come because you're not doing it from a place of being defensive.

If someone's putting you down,

They are first.

They're the one who's putting you down.

If someone's putting you down,

They are for sure doing it from a place of being defensive.

100%,

Right?

And so again,

Like,

We don't want to get in this tit for tat,

Right?

They're already lost in their ego.

They're not listening anymore.

They just want to be right.

And they just want to put me down.

Like,

Yeah,

I don't appreciate that.

You know,

I'm not engaging in a conversation where we're going to start calling where you're going to call me names.

Right?

It doesn't sound like you're looking for the truth.

And not that I have a corner on the truth,

Because I don't either.

But if I'm having a conversation with someone,

And there's a disagreement,

I'm not going to let it go to name calling.

That's just ridiculous.

But that's where we go to because of our fragile egos,

Because so many people just want to be right.

They don't want the truth.

They just want to be right.

And nobody is 100% right.

Nobody is because we're all just the result of our causes and conditions.

We all have views.

I mean,

There's certain facts of reality,

Of course,

And things that we can all agree on.

But you know,

If our views and opinions on religion or on meditation or on mindfulness of the nature of reality,

Even just those like,

It's if we come into those conversations with the humility,

The humbleness to say,

Maybe I don't know it all.

Then we're more open to learn.

We should never assume we know it all,

Never assume that.

That's the ego.

That's always the ego.

It doesn't mean that you can't feel sure about things or you can't have an opinion,

But always with that little bit in the back of your head,

Could be a little bit wrong somewhere here.

So pay attention,

Read,

Listen,

Hear,

Look for teachers everywhere.

Not just on Dharma talks.

I'll get the lesson.

I'll get it.

If I'm open to it and I'm willing to,

If I'm not holding too tightly to my view or opinion,

I'll get the lesson eventually.

It's always going to be provided there for us.

So great points,

Thomas.

Thank you.

And yeah,

Just hurt people,

Hurt people without a doubt,

Without a doubt.

If someone's hurt,

They are looking to hurt someone else.

It's a way of feeling like they're alleviating their suffering for a moment.

It's just continuing the cycle of suffering.

Oh,

And so did he have to be blind in the story?

Yeah,

He did.

I think he did have to be blind because that was what we're kind of,

The analogy that we're using in our practice is to see that,

In fact,

Most people are walking around blind,

Blind to the truth of reality.

They believe they are something that they're not and they're suffering.

And it's easy to see it,

Of course,

When we see someone's blind and then go,

Oh my God,

I'm so sorry.

But we don't give that same benefit of the doubt to people that are suffering and that are blind to their own,

To how they're closing up their hearts,

To how they are causing their own suffering.

So I think I would say that,

Yeah,

I think it is appropriate because that's,

That's at least how I take it.

Oh,

Thank you,

Angela.

Okay,

I'm good.

That worked.

Perfectly human,

Perfectly imperfect.

Absolutely.

And compassionately,

We see that we have egos.

I'm not sure what you mean by that.

Compassionately,

We see that we,

Uh,

With compassion.

Actually,

I think what you're meaning is,

Yeah,

With compassion,

We see that we have egos.

Not to hate ourselves because we have egos,

Right?

And the ego in and of itself is not,

I pick on the ego all the time.

And it sounds like I'm always putting it down because how extreme it's gotten,

How out of control it's gotten.

It's trying to help us.

It's trying to help us.

The ego is about separating us into an individual about safety and protection.

And something happened to the ego.

And there's different theories,

And I've talked about these before about,

I mean,

Something happened because you look at indigenous tribes today that have not been affected by the modern world,

And they just do not have huge egos.

They still can see that they are individuals,

Right?

And they can have their own thoughts,

Right?

But they don't have these huge egos.

They just wouldn't understand.

Even as something just culturally,

There's this famous conversation between,

I can't remember if it was therapists or neural,

I think it was neuroscientists and the Dalai Lama.

He has this thing called,

This institute called the MindLife Institute.

He's very much supportive of Western science.

And this was maybe 20 years ago or something.

There was this conversation.

He was meeting with a bunch of neuroscientists,

All meditators.

And eventually one of the neuroscientists said something to him about,

Well,

What would you say when you're having thoughts of like doubting yourself or self-loathing?

You don't like yourself.

And the reason I think this was about 20 years ago,

Because he was really heavily relying on his translator then.

His English is much better now.

And the translator,

He and the translator kept going back and forth trying to figure out what the American guy was referring to.

Until eventually,

They kind of clicked.

They figured out like,

You don't like yourself?

What are you talking about?

Why would you?

That makes no sense.

He was just absolutely thrown.

There was no word in Tibetan for it.

They just couldn't even fathom,

What do you mean you don't like yourself?

That makes no sense.

And so,

Even just within our cultures,

We can see like this self-loathing that we can have for ourselves,

This unworthiness,

Much more predominant in Western cultures than say,

A culture like Tibet that was very much isolated from the rest of the world for a long time and very much a Buddhist country.

And so,

Very much focusing on compassion practices.

So,

You can just see it there,

But you can also just see,

So you can see how the ego,

I mean,

Clearly,

They still have one.

And clearly,

They still have challenges with it.

But you can see how extreme our ego has become in the West,

Where we value individualism,

Material wealth,

Fame,

Status,

Power.

All of the things that we value is how our ego is responding to this toxic recipe for what we think is happiness.

So,

Our ego is just responding to it.

Although,

It's also probably the ego that started it.

Something changed in our environment where we stopped living in tribes,

And resources were becoming more scarce.

And all of a sudden,

It wasn't just this is the land and let's do our best,

But no one owns it.

And now,

All of a sudden,

That little lot of land over there is mine.

And don't step on my land.

And that's my family.

And that's my wife.

And that's my cow.

And that's my chicken.

And don't come anywhere near and we became very protective of what's mine.

As soon as you put the word mine in front of something,

It changes drastically.

It changes drastically.

You can be in a meeting and someone's like,

Oh,

There was a car accident outside.

Someone's car got hit in the parking lot.

And you can think like,

Man,

That sucks.

And then you look and you go,

Oh,

It's my car.

Oh,

My God,

It's a nightmare.

Right?

The moment we put mine in front of something,

It changes,

We become possessive.

And so something changed that the ego,

Out of necessity,

Survival,

Started becoming more possessive about things,

The individual started becoming bigger and bigger and bigger.

And then this insatiable desire for more and more and more the greed,

You know,

Our culture evolving out of that,

And then our ego continuously go,

Oh,

Yeah,

It's never enough.

It's never enough praise.

It's never enough comfort.

It's never enough material wealth.

It's never enough power.

It's never enough status.

It's just never enough.

It's never enough.

So to be clear,

Like just from your point here,

Thomas,

Where you were saying,

Compassionately,

We can see that we have an ego.

Like,

Yeah,

I think opening our hearts to say,

The ego,

It's doing its best.

You are not the ego.

It is not inherent to you.

The ego is just an arising in thoughts and constantly changing,

Sometimes giving us a little bit of good advice.

Right?

This is why in Buddhism,

The Buddha,

You know,

While it was very clear,

The suffering is from this misperception of who we are,

And this attaching to everything from this perception.

But conventionally speaking,

It still makes sense to say,

I know that when someone says Meredith,

They're talking to me.

Right?

I know that the history of Meredith,

I know,

Like,

To know that there's an,

There is an individual here that's arising,

Changing moment by moment.

But conventionally,

Conventionally speaking,

You know,

This identity of Meredith,

Like,

Yeah,

Okay,

I can get I can,

I can use it without getting lost in it.

And that's the problem.

Because if you think you are the ego,

Then you're not seeing reality.

So conventionally speaking,

We can see that thought process arising.

Oh,

There's that thought process.

Is there something there to do?

Oh,

It is pointing me towards something.

Yeah,

Okay,

I do need to do that.

Oh,

Yeah,

I've got the class at noon.

Yeah,

Better get ready.

Okay,

Yeah.

Right,

But not with this fear of Oh,

My God,

There's an image here of what will they think?

Right?

That's what it's like,

You can see it.

And then it's like,

Oh,

Okay,

Yeah,

I see it.

Now it's time to it had its usefulness.

I'm getting ready for the class.

Okay.

Okay,

No problem.

Right?

The problem is when you were getting lost in it.

When we're starting to think like,

Oh,

My God,

I am the ego.

And what's going to happen to me because everything's so important,

And everything matters.

And what everyone thinks about me matters.

And what I think about me matters.

And all of that just leads to more and more and more suffering,

Endless suffering.

Endless suffering.

So yeah,

Compassionately,

You know,

To say like,

Yeah,

This don't don't hate any part of yourself.

Don't hate,

Don't judge.

That's just more ego.

It's just ego coming in disguise.

So thank you for bringing that point up,

Thomas,

Like compassionately like,

Oh,

Yeah,

There's that little thought habit happening.

I see it.

I see it freaking out.

Okay,

The moment you see it,

The moment you can identify and label it as ego,

Or chasing or resisting or comparing or judging,

Right,

The moment you can do that,

Right,

You've already pulled yourself out of it.

You can see it.

Oh,

Yeah,

It's not me.

It's just a little habit.

Something was triggered,

An old pattern got triggered.

Right?

And,

And it's just,

It's just a process that's arising.

It's just a habit.

It's just a thought habit,

A process that we have taken to be solid and independent and real.

And so we suffer,

Because we think in this thought process,

Somehow,

This ever changing thought process,

I'm going to be able to satiate and feel complete,

If I can just get all my little ducks in a row,

I'm going to be able to settle it down.

But it's just a process.

There is no possibility of settling it down.

And in fact,

The process only exists in the desire and the fear of accumulating or pushing back.

And yet we think if I can just push this one thing away,

Or if I can just get this one thing over here,

It's going to be settled.

No,

For a moment,

It drops away.

And then the habit starts back up again.

And our practice,

Why we meditate,

Why we practice mindfulness,

Why we do compassion practices,

Open the heart,

Why we listen to the wisdom teachings to try and understand intellectually what's going on,

Is to see it real time.

That's when you have the insights,

When you see it real time.

There it is.

There's the judging again,

I know that about myself.

Or there's the image of me trying to live up to being something,

Right?

Whatever it is,

Your career,

To be the good friend,

To be the good partner,

To be the good parent,

You know,

To be the good teacher,

Whatever image you are trying to live up to,

Is going to create suffering.

Right?

Because the image is way,

And we're always going to fall short.

Instead,

You see that.

And you go,

Oh,

I see it.

I see it.

There it is again.

I feel it.

I feel that tightening that comes with it.

Right?

I come back and breathe,

Feel,

Come back into the present moment.

Not judging myself because of it.

Right?

But with compassion,

Like Thomas said,

Like with compassion.

Yeah,

It's okay.

It's just a thought.

Again,

Your ego is the result.

You know,

The ego we have today is very much the result of the society and the culture that we live in today.

You know,

Very much so.

It's not unique to you.

The thoughts that you have are not unique to you.

They're a representation of the thought of the culture and society that we live in.

Of whether you're a man or a woman,

Or a trans person,

You know what,

You know,

Your conditions,

Right,

They'll be a little bit different.

A thought for a woman would have a little bit of a different experience than a thought from a man,

But they wouldn't be too different from another woman.

And so it's not to hate the ego,

It's not to put down the ego,

That's just more put down the ego,

That's just more ego.

It's to see its illusory nature,

And that it is the cause of suffering.

It will never bring you to a place of contentment or peace.

It lives in dissatisfaction.

When it's alerting us to something,

It's kind of saying like,

Pay attention to that.

Go do something about that,

Right?

Because maybe there is something to do.

But most of the time,

We're just lost in the thoughts,

We're not doing anything at all.

We're just just lost in our thoughts,

Because we're just imagining thought created problems,

And then we're looking for thought created solutions to try and appease a thought created me.

And so we just stay lost in that little cycle up here.

But some,

You know,

Every now and then,

There's something like,

Oh,

Yeah,

I need to go do that.

And with wisdom,

We can see that thought process,

Something was kind of giving us a little nudge,

Not that there's a me up here,

But just a little nudge like,

Oh,

Yeah,

I need to take care of that.

Okay.

Okay,

No problem.

I'm not getting lost in it.

Okay,

We'll just do one or two more questions.

Okay.

Oh,

You're welcome,

Joanne.

Yes,

And Jess,

I like that.

Be you,

Be true,

Be kind.

Okay,

So from Joanne,

Sometimes I feel like I don't have a problem,

But trying to be kind,

I get involved in their problem.

And all I think about is that.

Oh,

Thank you,

Mary.

Thank you for that donation.

That was very generous.

Thank you.

How can you get out of the thoughts?

So,

It is interesting how we get on a theme here on these talks.

And so Mary,

Yeah,

Mari's saying the same thing,

You know,

Being empathic,

That you get too involved in their problems.

And I would suggest compassion practices.

Because compassion,

True compassion,

And true empathy is being able to move towards someone's pain and suffering,

Whether they're physically suffering,

Whether they have a problem they're suffering around,

To be there 100% with it,

To not fear being there with it,

But not to take it with us afterwards.

That is the wisdom of compassion,

That we don't take it on afterwards.

And so because we don't practice a lot of compassion in the West,

And it is a part of our practice that I do think gets neglected a lot.

So,

I would recommend Joanne,

I would absolutely recommend and Tonglen or compassion,

Compassion,

I'm saying the practice of compassion,

Where you're imagining different groups of people and that are suffering.

And you can just you can do people that you know,

Only go as far as you feel comfortable.

It might just be people that are having a tough day.

You know,

We all know what it's like to have a tough day.

And you just imagine those people,

All the people driving home,

And they're stressed,

Or they're upset,

And they're tired,

And their energy is low.

And you can just,

You know,

You know,

I feel your pain,

I care about your pain,

I wish for your pain to be to you for you to be relieved of your pain,

Right?

To be thinking these thoughts to be sending these thoughts about their pain,

Like you're seeing them with their pain.

And you're saying,

I care about your pain.

I care about your suffering.

You know,

May you know that I care about your suffering.

May you know that I care about your pain.

Right?

So you're looking at people's pain and suffering,

Not something we do.

We,

We are much better at practicing indifference to people's pain and suffering.

When you walk past a homeless person,

If you're practicing indifference,

If you can't look at them,

And practicing indifference,

Right,

That's remember,

There's always an alternative,

Alternative practice that we're doing.

We always forget that.

No one wants to be practicing indifference.

And so it,

It,

It's a practice to look at a homeless person to look at someone that's in the,

In the,

You know,

On the streetlights,

When they're at the intersections,

When people are have a sign,

And they're asking for money,

To look at them,

They are a real human being.

That's how you practice,

Like,

Not to you,

For exactly what you're talking about,

Joanne,

Where we,

You know,

We get involved in people's problems,

And then we can't take,

You know,

We can't let it go,

Or where we're more empathic.

And I think someone else,

I think Monica.

Yes,

You're saying the same thing,

You can relate to that.

And I would imagine a lot of people here do,

Can relate to this as well.

So we think,

How can I not do that?

Because then,

You know,

If we take it on,

Then our protective mechanism becomes our ego trying to protect us say,

I can't look at it anymore.

It's just too overwhelming,

I can't get involved,

I just,

I'm too spent.

Because we,

If we go to help someone,

And we take their problem with us when we leave,

Then we are draining all of our energy,

We don't have any room for anyone else.

Because we're,

Maybe you help one person in the morning,

Another person in the afternoon,

And now you're filled with all of their problems.

Right?

And then in the evening,

You go home,

And your partner needs something,

But you're filled.

You can't take anything else on.

Your compassion and your empathy is gone.

Because you can't take anything else on at that point.

So the practices of compassion,

Or I would strongly recommend,

Because it is my favorite Tonglen,

I think it is the most powerful of practices,

Being able to look at people that are suffering.

You know,

Again,

Imagining just people that are having a tough day,

Someone that made a mistake at work and got reprimanded,

Because we've all had that happen.

You know,

We acted out in ways that weren't particularly kind,

We have all done that at one time or another.

So we can imagine people that are experiencing that right now,

Taking on their fear and their worries,

Sending back healing white light,

Right?

We're transforming their pain and suffering.

By imagining,

I can see their pain and suffering,

Taking on exactly their fears and their worries and their concerns,

Send them back healing white light.

That is how you build the capacity to be with others when they're suffering,

When they're dealing with their problems.

And then when you walk away,

You don't keep it with you.

That is how you build your capacity of compassion,

To be a compassionate person.

So that then when you move on,

And there's another friend who's going through something,

The room is there for them too.

I can be here with you,

Be fully present for what's going on.

And I can feel 100% with you right now.

And I can cry with you.

And my heart can quiver for what you're going through right now.

And when this is over,

I leave it here.

I don't carry it with me.

I take a little space,

Maybe some kindness for myself,

Because maybe it was a particularly difficult interaction.

Maybe you're with someone who was really sick,

Or they're dying or something.

And it's like,

Okay,

Now I need a little bit of compassion,

To be with what's here,

Just to let it go through me.

So that then when I meet the next person that needs my help,

My heart can be open to them too.

So tonglen,

Tonglen practice.

And,

And as you so again,

I'd recommend everyone have a couple classes on tonglen.

I have a tonglen meditation all on my teacher's page.

I know there are thousands of tonglen or hundreds at least of tonglen meditations on insight timer as well.

So doing tonglen,

Doing it as a,

As a formal practice as your entire practice,

But then also at the end of your practice.

So at the end of my practice,

Every single time I meditate,

At the end of my practice,

Right,

I can be doing self-inquiry or vipassana or samatha,

Whatever it is,

Actually samatha and vipassana really go together.

But whatever my practice is,

At the end,

After I dedicate the merit,

I spend a few minutes on tonglen.

So every time I'm adding tonglen into my practice for anyone that was unkind to me,

For someone that I know that is suffering,

For someone that I know that is just,

They're kind of a little bit of a challenge to be around.

And I don't want to start building up those thoughts of judgment and resentment.

And so I just imagine breathing in their suffering and pain and sending them back healing white light,

Continuously keeping this,

Keeping your heart open.

Tonglen,

Tonglen,

Joanne,

Tonglen,

And Mari and Monica.

Okay,

I'll just finish on,

On,

On Thomas here regarding the Western ego.

So saying,

You know,

Something on the,

So it resonates with news today that seven people you think died crossing the English Channel in a rubber boat.

And the prime minister says this is why we need to stop these illegal games profiting from this instead of seeing why don't we have a proper safe place in France to allow people to claim refugee status?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean,

It's,

It's just,

I feel like every politician,

They should have to do one year of intensive compassion practice before they're allowed to even run for office.

Before they're even allowed to run for it.

I mean,

Isn't that just the,

Yeah,

The perfect example that we could blame someone who's living under,

I mean,

God knows what kind of awful conditions,

And they're dying and we can blame them for it.

We can be so protective of ourselves.

So fearful.

And so much of that happens here.

So where I live in Mexico,

It's not even Mexicans that are so much crossing the border,

Like we're having a big problem in the US,

You know,

The border crossing.

It's people coming up from Central America,

From Guatemala and Nicaragua and Honduras,

You know,

Because they are flying fleeing unbelievable violence.

A lot of it disrupted by US policy or a lot of it caused by US policies in the past.

And,

You know,

That we dehumanize these people.

I'm not suggesting that there's probably not a couple of bad actors somewhere in there,

Trying to get into the US as well.

But there are so many people that are suffering that are trying to cross the border,

Because they have no other choice.

They have no other choice.

And every one of us would probably do the exact same thing if we were living in their situation.

And so to have compassion,

To try and understand where they're coming from,

But to also have compassion for the people in the US that are also afraid.

Because we also just,

You know,

We're so tribal,

And we just dismiss,

Well,

You're just horrible.

You don't like people.

And it's like,

No,

They are also people that have concerns about their jobs and about how this is being assimilated into their community.

But our politicians are not even able to address the problems that we have.

And they're really just not capable of it.

They're not capable of dealing with the challenges that we have that are very complex,

And very nuanced.

The ego tries to make everything very black and white,

Very binary.

It's good or bad.

It's like,

Well,

You know,

In the US,

We need immigration as a big part of our growth in our economy,

Right?

But there are people that do fear wages being lowered,

Fear crime,

You know,

There's a lot of things that they fear.

And again,

Just housing and just,

You know,

Do we have the resources,

But we don't address these things as the complex,

Nuanced situations that they are,

Because we think in a very binary way,

Because we think of our ego,

Because we're thinking through the lens of our ego.

Yeah,

I do.

I wish politicians had to do compassion practices,

Because it's,

It's so sad,

What's happened.

And just how much how much worse our practice of indifference has become to other human beings,

Because that is the ego to against separating ourselves.

Right?

You are different from me,

You don't feel the way I feel.

You don't want to,

You don't need love and acceptance and inclusion the way I do.

You don't have tough days like I do.

Right?

I see you as different,

I see you as less than,

I mean,

This is how people were able to own other people,

Because they saw them as different,

Not human.

And,

And so it's,

It's,

It is,

It's very sad,

And it can be disheartening,

But but don't,

What I would suggest on this,

And this is where I think Tonglen again,

I should just label this whole class Tonglen.

Because it can feel very,

We can feel very helpless in these situations,

Like what can I do,

You know,

How can I help in this situation.

And we can feel very limited in what we're able to do,

Not being a politician or not maybe having a platform that we can raise these issues on.

And that's where Tonglen practice comes in,

Because it gives us something to do,

That at least we can take these situations and we can transform,

So that we become more compassionate,

So that we become more level-headed,

So that we can keep our hearts open to every single being with wisdom.

Right?

And as each one of us does this,

That's how we make the world a better place.

I'm just going to read Mary's comment,

Because I think she might have had to leave.

Oh,

I'm so glad it's what you needed.

Thank you,

Mary.

Thank you,

Monica.

And I'm so glad Kay.

Yeah,

Wealth inequality is huge,

Thomas.

Yeah,

We could go on about that for ages,

How unnatural it is.

It's so,

Yeah.

Oh,

And Monica,

So your mom lives three miles from the border.

Oh,

And Del Rio,

Texas.

It's other nationalities,

Right?

Yeah.

Oh,

Haitians,

Venezuelans,

I didn't even mention,

And Africans,

Absolutely.

All human beings,

All human beings,

All human beings that are suffering.

But yeah,

It's funny how we keep calling,

I mean,

On the news,

Because I do still,

Even though I live in Mexico,

I do still pay attention to the U.

S.

News and how often it is,

You know,

It's the Mexicans really aren't that interested.

In fact,

Many of the local Mexicans that I know down here,

So many of them,

Sorry,

Maybe 30% have lived in the States at one point.

And of course,

I'm always curious,

Like,

Oh,

What did you think?

And they're like,

Oh,

It's all right.

I'm happier here.

Like they go there,

And they're actually realizing,

Especially where we live here in Baja,

Mexico.

It's just kind of funny that it's like,

Yeah,

They were there.

And they're like,

Yeah,

We came back.

We like it.

We like it better here.

We think people are more rational here.

And how many Americans,

By the way,

Are moving here like myself?

You know,

I moved here three and a half years ago,

Where I moved and became a permanent resident,

Because it is just such a nicer lifestyle.

There's a community.

It's just a much easier,

A much nicer,

Kinder way of life.

And that doesn't mean that there's not still drama.

There is.

There is.

Little parts,

You know,

Kind of,

It's funny when I hear about it,

I'm like,

Oh,

I forget that that stuff still happens.

But even here,

Even here,

So.

Yeah,

Yeah,

The way that they're watching them,

Yeah,

It's very sad.

It's very sad.

Um,

So we do what we can do.

And,

You know,

We can affect our own response to it,

But we cannot affect others.

We cannot affect others.

Oh,

And I think Thomas is asking,

How do I spell Tonglen?

I'll just put it in here in the T-O-N-G-L-E-N.

So Tonglen,

It literally means giving and receiving.

Yeah.

Right.

So you're receiving,

Taking on the suffering of others and giving back this healing white light.

Such a beautiful practice.

And as I said,

We can really integrate it into,

Once you get more comfortable with it,

You can really integrate it into your daily practice of just whatever your daily meditation practice is,

Just finishing at the end with just a couple of minutes of it.

And it's good to just think about those people that,

Like Joanne,

Like,

You know,

Maybe your boss that had to reprimand you,

Like,

How to include them,

Right?

Because it was a difficult situation for them as well,

Right?

You want to,

It just kind of pulls away any resentment that we might be starting to fester and starting to nurture,

Right?

Any resentment or judgment or ill will,

Anger,

Which are not qualities that we want to be nurturing,

Right?

Our practice is to decrease the defilements,

Greed,

Aversion,

Ignorance,

Pride,

And doubt,

Right?

Defilements in Buddhism,

We're trying to,

We're trying to minimize these.

And so if we're starting to think judging thoughts,

Resentful thoughts,

Pushing back thoughts,

We're increasing the defilements,

We're not decreasing them.

And thank you,

Thomas,

For your donation.

Thank you so much.

So I think with that,

Why don't we,

Why don't we close with one minute of tonglen meditation?

Okay,

So just,

This will be a little bit,

You know,

We would normally ease into it a little bit,

But let's just close our eyes.

And just imagine at your heart center.

First,

Just imagine you're breathing in,

Dark smoke,

And breathing out,

White light.

And now just imagining all the people that are having a tough day today.

Something went wrong at work,

They're feeling a little stressed,

They're having relationship problems.

Just imagine that through that dark smoke,

You are breathing in all their worries,

All their fears.

And you're sending back healing white light.

So you're breathing in their fears,

Their stress.

And you're sending them back the support and kindness of this beautiful white light.

Breathing in all their concerns,

Their doubts,

Their anxiety.

And you send them back beautiful,

Radiant,

Healing white light.

Breathing in all their pain,

All their fears.

Sending them back peace and calm.

And at the end of your next exhale,

Sending out the white light.

And just imagine all of the collective fears dissolving.

And just feeling in your heart center,

A couple of breaths here.

And then bringing your hands to your heart center.

And dedicating the merit of your practice for all of you that are still on here,

We've been here nearly two hours,

That you have put this much time into wanting to understand how to be a kinder,

More compassionate,

Wiser being.

This is very rare.

So taking the merit from this practice and then sending that out to someone you care about.

And when you're ready,

You can open your eyes.

Okay.

Did I thank you,

Thomas,

For the donation of your time?

You can open your eyes.

Okay.

Did I thank you,

Thomas,

For the donation?

If not,

Thank you.

So thank you all.

Thank you all for the great,

Great questions and comments.

Thank you for the hearts.

I love the hearts.

Thank you,

Libby.

And yeah,

I hope what we take away from this is more compassion practices.

Thank you,

Diane.

Thank you.

Yeah,

More compassion practices,

Just even that little bit of tonglen each day.

What a difference it makes.

What an amazing difference it makes.

Yeah.

Thank you,

Bee.

Thank you.

Oh,

And thank you,

Angela.

Oh,

You're so sweet.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's because it resonates with you,

Right?

When the wisdom resonates,

It's touching you,

Right?

Yeah.

So thank you all so much.

And well,

Thank you,

Kay.

And we will see you next week.

And you know,

I do put these recordings up as well on Insight Timer.

So it takes me a little while,

But they are all up on Insight Timer as well.

So thank you.

Yes,

Thomas,

I think this is such a beautiful sangha.

And thank you all,

Because we're all doing this together.

We're all doing this together,

Helping each other,

Supporting each other.

You know,

I get just as much out of these classes.

So thank you for that.

I appreciate it so much.

So thank you.

So blessings to all of you.

May you all be happy.

May you be safe.

May you awaken.