Weekly Sangha: Ego, Self-Compassion, Being With Pain, Regret

We were talking on Sunday a lot about the ego,

Really trying to understand the ego.

And we had some great questions that came out of that as well.

So if anyone has any follow-up questions on the ego,

The ego is not all bad,

By the way.

It's not.

It's,

It causes a great deal of suffering for us.

There is no question it causes a great deal of suffering.

And that it has gotten just too far out of control where we have identified with this little avatar in our heads as being who we are.

But it is trying to help us in its own little,

Its own little way,

It is trying to help us.

So while the ego does create a lot of suffering for us,

I really am not of the mindset that we throw the ego out entirely.

I mean,

It's an illusion,

It's not real.

So it's just to see through the illusion of the ego,

To see where it's causing us suffering,

And I'll just keep talking until someone has a question,

By the way.

But to see like how we get so attached to our views and opinions,

Like that's the ego,

Right?

That can't handle someone disagreeing with us,

Or someone correcting us,

Or offering,

Just offering a different opinion,

Right?

It's the ego that can't handle hearing anything outside of what it thinks.

And how lost we can get in that,

Right?

Just in that,

Like our attachment to our views and opinions,

Where we'll be having a discussion,

Maybe it's a discussion over email going back and forth,

You know,

And we fired off a response.

And even once we fired off the response afterwards,

We can see how we go right up into our heads thinking about now when they come back,

And then I'm going to say this,

Right?

Or if they say this,

Then I'm going to say that.

Like we're lost in this little dialogue that just continues,

Continues,

Continues,

And pushes back the whole time.

It's really pushing back,

Resisting that someone has a different opinion than me,

Has a different way of looking at the world,

Because of course,

We all have different causes and conditions,

We all have different ways of looking at the world.

If you're brought up in one part of the world versus another,

If you were born in the 50s versus the 80s,

If you were,

You know,

What your parents were like,

What type of media you were exposed to,

What type of schools you went to,

Right?

All of these things,

All of these outside forces shaping our opinions,

None of our opinions are ours.

They're all shaped and influenced,

Right?

And it's all interpreted through this funnel of like all of the experiences that Meredith has had,

Which are unique to Meredith.

So even as new information comes in,

And then gets filtered through the experience of Meredith,

Where it seems like,

No,

That's an original idea,

But it's still subject to causes and conditions.

It's not me coming up with it.

It was all these causes and conditions that created it.

And yet the ego claims ownership of all this.

It's my opinion.

No one should disagree with me.

It can't handle being disagreed with.

It can't handle criticism or feeling like it's wrong.

The ego will never admit it's wrong.

We see this today where people are getting so tribal.

It doesn't even matter.

No one's trying to look for the truth.

It's just about being right.

Even when people,

They know their argument is wrong,

They'll still say,

But that's still,

I believe that anyway.

Like that's our ego.

It's not helping us in that respect.

It's not helping us.

It's gone too far.

So there's so many ways in which the ego goes way too far.

And I'll get to your question in one sec,

AJ.

And in fact,

This Sunday,

What we're going to talk about is like the ego's constant need for validation,

Right?

Because we separate ourselves,

Right?

The ego separating ourselves into two,

Right?

In this thought created me,

In the avatar,

Oh,

There's a little me here that's upset because someone disagrees with it,

Right?

So because we separate ourselves into two,

We feel incomplete.

And so we are desperate for everyone's validation.

Tell me I'm okay.

But it's never enough.

It's never enough.

And then this is why we end up making really bad choices or we end up turning into people pleasers.

We stay in relationships too long.

We don't speak up for ourselves.

We let people treat us like doormats.

Like that's not helpful because we need someone else to tell me I'm good because I feel like I'm not good.

I feel like there's something wrong with me.

I need someone outside of me to validate me.

And that's the character we're going to talk about this Sunday because so much of the ego is validation.

So much of what we're doing,

Like I want you to agree with me.

If you agree with me,

I feel validated.

If you disagree with me,

I feel invalidated,

Right?

So,

So much of this comes into the sense of needing to feel validated by something outside of us.

And it's never enough.

Never enough.

Never enough validation for the ego.

You get a thousand people praise you on Sunday by Monday.

You know,

Where's the praise?

I need more to feel good again.

It's insatiable.

It's a really,

It's just to go through life in that way of just always needing,

You know,

Tell me I'm a good person.

Tell me,

Please,

Please tell me I don't believe I am.

Please tell me.

It's a horrible way to go through life.

Horrible way.

So we're going to start this Sunday with the ego's desperate need for validation,

Bringing more awareness to it.

That's what we're going to be doing each week is bringing more awareness to the different incarnations of the ego,

The different ways that it arises that you'll all be very familiar with,

But spending a spending a class,

You know,

An entire class on it.

So that week really focusing your attention on it so that you're very,

Very clear on when it's arising.

Because it can even arise like the,

As arising as the opinionator attached to its views and opinions,

And also judging arising at the same time,

Because now I'm also judging that other person,

Right?

It can have,

And the victim arising at the same time,

Like all of this,

And the valid,

Like it becomes a bit of a mess in there.

Like sometimes it's what's going on.

I feel like I'm just so,

I'm so overwhelmed by all of these conflicting thoughts,

But it's good for us to get a handle on,

Oh,

That's the judge.

There's the comparer.

There's the controller.

There's the opinionator.

There's the people pleaser.

The more that we can get,

The more awareness,

The more we can define it,

We bring it to,

You know,

We bring it into,

More into our awareness,

The more we can define it.

And once we've been able to do that and acknowledge what's going on,

Then we can be discerning and investigate what's happening to see if maybe there's something useful in there.

Most of the time there's not,

But to bring that,

That very skeptical eye to it,

It's probably not something useful in here.

So really going in with that view,

Probably not,

But let me take a look because it's not me.

It's just this mind movement,

This thought habit that feels like me,

That we have taken to be me my whole life.

So the more that we can define it,

Bring more awareness to it,

And then separate ourself from it,

Start to see how it is just an illusion arising and passing away.

So to AJ's question,

Which I think I could read,

Where is the ego in us?

It's an illusion.

As soon as I have the thought,

Say the thought,

What do they think of me?

What do they think of me?

Oh,

Where's the,

It's this little thought that gives the illusion of a me.

It's a trick of language.

That's the challenge with the ego.

It's a trick of language that when I say,

What do they think of me?

What do I think of me?

I'm such an idiot.

There is this,

Just in that thought,

There is this little me that it's just,

I mean,

It's a thought,

Right?

It's a thought,

But the moment,

The moment,

And I know AJ,

I know you know this in your practice and self-inquiry,

The moment you look for it,

Where is that little me that's so hurt because it was criticized?

That little me that was so hurt because someone disagreed with it,

Right?

Where is it?

And we,

And for those of you that are not familiar with self-inquiry practice,

Close your eyes and really look and really like start at the crown of your head,

Work your way down.

Where is this little me that feels so solid and independent and real and hurt?

We should be able to find it if it is real,

But it's because it's an illusion that only arises through the thought,

What do they think of me?

How dare they disagree with me,

Right?

It feels so real,

Right?

But it's only held up in relation to that thought.

The moment that thought,

What do they think of me?

The moment that drops out,

So does the ego.

And when you're looking for it,

When you really think,

Well,

Where is it?

Kind of looking for that little feeling,

The center,

Right?

The center of all that,

You know,

And you're looking for it,

You can't find it because it's only held up in the thought.

But of course,

We can't underestimate how powerful our thoughts are,

Right?

How much we take them to be true,

How much we,

You know,

We can't put the thought down.

So it feels so real,

We're carrying it around all afternoon.

Maybe a few times we're distracted,

We get a phone call,

We've got to respond to someone on an email,

We take a little break on an insight timer class,

And it's like,

Oh,

Yeah,

I feel a little better.

And then,

Oh,

What was bugging me before?

That's right,

My boss was micromanaging me again,

Or that family member,

I've still got that problem with them.

And I just need them to see things from my point of view.

Because that's what the ego always needs to,

I always need someone else to do something,

My problem is always out there.

It's never here.

It's always pointing outwards,

The problem is always out there.

And so because we carry these thoughts around so much of the time,

We spend on average,

On average,

From a Harvard study,

47% of the time,

We spend lost in what's called self-referential thinking.

The ego,

Me,

It's all about me,

Me in the future,

Me in the past,

Even me just narrating my current experience,

A lot of comparing and judging happening there.

These are the ways that we all predominantly think.

And so about me,

About ourselves.

And so on average,

Half of our day,

We're lost in these thoughts about ourselves,

Even the little innocuous narrating thoughts,

Where we're just commenting through the day,

Just,

Oh,

What do I put it?

I'm just going to get over here.

Okay,

Do this.

Oh,

Yeah,

Don't forget,

I've got to grab this.

And we're just kind of talking ourselves through our day.

Again,

Just giving more,

More substantial ability to,

Or more consistency to this ego,

Just really feeling like it's always there,

Like it's not always throwing a big major tantrum.

But it's just that little bit,

Just that constant talking to ourselves,

Always talking ourselves through everything,

Talking about what we're doing.

Oh,

What are they doing?

Oh,

Yeah,

What are they doing?

Yeah,

I shouldn't do that.

You know,

What do they have over there?

Oh,

Okay,

You know,

We're just back again.

And we're just constantly talking to ourselves.

So we really give this illusion of continuity of the ego.

And even when we set it down for a moment where we're engaged in something that we're really interested in,

We're having a laugh,

A joke with someone,

Someone says,

You know,

Ah,

It feels so good to laugh,

Right?

And even at the ego's expense,

Right?

It feels so good to laugh.

We put it down for a moment.

But then it just whips itself right back up.

And we don't question it nearly enough.

Which is why we're doing like 10 weeks on the ego.

I mean,

I talk about the ego,

Many of you have been with me for a while now.

You know,

I talk about the ego a lot.

It is the main obstacle to seeing reality.

Because as long as we have the virtual reality headset on,

And I'm believing this virtual Meredith up here,

That needs all of your validation,

That needs all of your approval,

That needs you to believe unquestioningly in everything I say,

Please do not.

Right?

Don't give that power up to anyone.

Right?

As long as I'm believing this,

I cannot see the reality of how we are all arising in each moment.

It is,

It takes our attention off of reality.

Trusting the reality,

Where here we are,

All gathering,

Like fairly like,

Fairly like minded,

Some of us coming from different traditions,

A little bit different viewpoints.

But really all with this intention of wanting to be more at peace,

To have more kindness,

More compassion,

To be wiser.

Right?

It's this beautiful,

Beautiful setting that we come together.

And so much of the time,

We are perfectly fine,

Perfectly safe,

And okay.

That we're in a safe surrounding,

We're in a safe environment.

Everything is okay.

I mean,

Maybe there's still something,

There's a bill to be paid.

But no one's cutting off,

You know,

Our arm for the bill.

Maybe we have to move some money around.

Maybe we have to eat ramen noodles for a few days.

Like,

Oh,

I got to save a little bit.

Okay.

But it doesn't have to take my peace.

Right?

I can still be here and take care of the things that need to be taken care of without pushing back,

Without always pushing back and pushing back in our thoughts,

Either resisting or chasing.

I got to get over there.

I got it.

The little me needs more success.

The little me needs more praise,

More validation,

More experiences,

More accolades,

More things that it can add on to itself.

Right?

And it's a never-ending chase.

But this is all happening in our thoughts.

So there's no place you can find the ego.

And that's part of our spiritual practice is look for it.

This is what's driving you day in and day out,

Your ego.

You should see if it's real or not and question if it's giving you good advice or not.

We too readily accept the advice it gives us.

And all too often,

The advice is making us,

Causing us to act in ways that we end up shooting ourselves in the foot.

Because we're so outraged,

We're so offended,

Ruining relationships,

Creating,

You know,

What starts as maybe a healthy discussion with someone ends up attacking the other person's character because we can't handle someone disagreeing with us,

Not giving us good advice,

Not helping us to see the truth,

Not helping us to not just see the nature of reality,

But to understand something better that we're trying to have a discussion with someone to understand,

Understand where they're coming from.

Maybe they have some information we don't have,

But it's very,

It's very,

The ego is very close-minded,

Very close-minded.

It's an illusion,

Sometimes a helpful illusion.

Every now and then it's giving us good advice.

We don't want to throw the baby out with the bathwater.

But we do want to be clear,

We are not the ego.

It's not who we are.

That's what we're trying to see,

Not to destroy the ego.

You cannot destroy an illusion,

But you can see through it and see that it is an illusion.

That's what we're trying to do.

When we ask the question,

What do you want more than anything in the world for yourself,

And I gave the pointers for some of you that may be new,

Peace,

Connection,

Contentment,

Love,

Joy,

Right?

Some of the words to describe what it is that we're looking for.

This is all here and available to us in any moment,

In the absence of the chasing and the resisting of the ego.

Not in the absence of having a goal,

Not in the absence of wanting to have an experience of something,

Right?

Go on a holiday,

Go on a retreat,

Not in the absence of those things.

In the absence of the chasing and of the chasing and resisting that believes there is something here that is going to be more complete if it gets over there,

Or that is incomplete because something is coming in it doesn't like.

So again,

Balance,

Middle path.

Buddhism is about the middle path,

Not taking either extreme,

Right?

We're here in the world to enjoy the world,

Experience the world,

Of course.

Don't get lost in the world,

To not get lost in it because then it's no longer enjoyable.

So when the approach from a Buddhist perspective,

It's the middle path to see through the illusion.

You're not the ego,

You're not your thoughts,

You're an arising in each moment,

Changing moment by moment by moment,

As the river changes and flows moment by moment.

You are of that same nature.

And when the river flows,

Unimpeded,

Right?

We too can flow in that same way as the river,

Open,

Spacious,

Seeing how things are arising in each moment.

When something's uncomfortable,

When something's unpleasant,

Remembering it's not going to last.

If you've got to do something,

Let's say a big,

I'll use the example,

You've got to dig a ditch.

Probably not too many of us here dig ditches,

You've got it.

I actually,

During the summer,

I dig ditches here because during the summer when we get hurricanes,

I'm always trying to divert the water.

And it is such a futile effort,

I realized after this summer,

Because the water comes down from the mountains,

And that's what does most of the damage to us.

I mean,

The wind does some damage,

But it's really the water comes flowing down and does so much damage.

And so anyway,

You're digging a ditch.

And digging the ditch in and of itself,

There's nothing,

I mean,

It requires some effort,

It requires some work,

Right?

But it's just digging a ditch,

Right?

Like,

Yeah,

It's a little bit,

It's not my favorite activity in the world to do is to dig a ditch.

But I dig a ditch,

Hoping to divert the water.

I hope I have learned this year,

It really makes no difference.

It's going to go where it wants to go.

But digging the ditch,

And being okay with digging the ditch is fine.

There's still peace in digging the ditch.

But if I am digging the ditch,

And I am telling myself,

This is such a nightmare that I have to dig the ditch,

And the rain better go down this one this time.

If not,

I'm moving,

I'm having,

You know,

In some way,

Like we're always pushing back,

There's a consequence,

I'm going to do this,

I'm going to do that.

The water coming down the mountains doesn't really care what I think,

It's going to do what it wants to do.

I'll do my best,

And I have been trying to do my best to divert the water.

But that's the difference,

Right?

You've got a,

You've got a,

We've got a bill,

Right?

We've got a bill,

And it's like,

Oh,

That was way more than I thought.

Right?

And it's okay to even think,

Next time I should ask in advance,

Or next time I should be more clear about something like,

Okay,

Yeah,

That's,

Yeah,

Probably something to learn from this.

But if I keep spinning in my head in this story about,

This is so unfair,

And why did this happen,

And I can't believe I have to pay this,

And then back again,

This is so unfair,

I can't believe I have to pay this,

Why,

They're taking advantage of me.

And again,

This is so unfair,

What,

Like,

It just plays on this loop.

And the whole time that I'm stuck in this loop,

I am believing there's a little wounded Meredith in there about paying this bill,

Versus I got to pay the bill.

Yeah,

It sucks.

Okay,

It sucks.

You know,

You can even say like,

Oh,

That sucks.

Self-compassion.

That sucks.

That sucks.

Next time I should ask in advance.

Yeah,

Okay,

I'll try to remember that next time.

But sometimes I get a good deal,

Sometimes I don't.

Right?

We always expect I should only get the good deals,

Never the bad deals.

That's not the experience of being on this planet.

That's not flowing as a river.

Right?

It's like,

Yeah,

Pay the bill.

Okay,

Yeah,

That kind of sucked.

But don't push back on it.

And your thoughts don't make a story about it.

It's not helping us.

We're making our experience heavier than it needs to be.

Digging the ditch with a big monkey on my back,

Versus digging the ditch without a monkey.

Dig the ditch without the monkey.

It's much better.

Much better.

Hi,

Thomas.

Good to see you.

Hi,

Gary.

Okay,

I'm just going to hop back,

And then I'm going to come back to you here soon,

Kathy.

From Martin,

It took me a while to not get defensive if I encountered criticism,

Ego in full effect.

Yeah.

Oh,

We're at 108 again.

Thank you for noticing that.

Thank you for noticing that.

We got there on Sunday,

108.

Thank you.

Maybe you were the 108,

Thomas.

Maybe you brought us to 108.

Maybe you were the auspicious joining here today.

So to Martin's point about the criticism,

This one is so,

So hard.

And I'm,

I just,

I appreciate you saying,

Like,

It took you a while to not get defensive.

Even when we say to ourselves,

Like,

We know the eight worldly winds,

A center piece of Buddhist teachings,

Gain and loss,

Pleasure and pain,

Fame and disrepute,

Praise and criticism.

It is part of our experience as human beings.

And,

And it does hurt.

I do want to clarify,

So thank you for bringing that up,

Martin.

Criticism still hurts.

That initial punch,

Like,

It does hurt,

And we are human.

It doesn't feel good to be criticized.

It's what we do with it after that kind of initial punch,

Right?

Do we rack?

Oh,

Here it is.

Here's criticism.

Breathe.

Take a moment.

Take a pause.

Breathe into it.

Feel it.

It's just a feeling.

We're not expecting it.

It's just a feeling.

It's really,

It's a drop in dopamine,

And it feels like a punch in our gut.

Takes about 60 to 90 seconds,

In fact,

To fully have it balance out our system.

And then,

Of course,

The thought comes,

I can't believe they said that.

I can't believe they said that.

And look,

And I find,

Well,

A couple of good practices for that,

Because all of this requires mindfulness.

All of this requires the various different mindfulness tools that we have to help us through these experiences,

Especially in the beginning.

Especially in the beginning,

We need these tools.

Self-compassion.

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That hurt.

Yeah,

It did hurt.

Yeah,

Don't deny it.

Don't deny something that hurt.

Do not ever deny something that hurt.

That hurt.

Comfort yourself.

It's okay.

The ego,

See,

When you're doing that,

And I'm petting,

Because the higher up we pet,

Too,

The more comforting it is to us.

Like if you were saying to a small child,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That was tough.

That hurt,

Didn't it?

Yeah,

It hurt.

It's okay.

It's a very comforting thing for us to do,

To bring some touch into it.

And when we say the words,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That really hurt,

Didn't it?

We're bringing the experience closer,

And we're accepting it.

We're not pushing back on it.

The ego is,

That shouldn't have happened.

How dare they criticize me?

How dare they disagree with me?

What kind of an idiot are they?

They must be uninformed,

Right?

Just whips right up.

But when we use self-compassion and say,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That really hurt.

That was really tough.

We are accepting what happened.

We are coming closer to the experience of what happened,

The opposite of what the ego would do.

And then we feel it,

And we breathe into it,

And we can continue to say comforting words,

And we can say things.

Another beautiful self-compassion practice.

Just like me,

Millions of people in the world right now are being criticized.

It's a normal human experience.

It happens,

Right?

Right now,

In this moment,

Millions of people are being criticized.

It is a normal part of the human experience.

It's not one that we would sign up for.

Of course,

Nobody likes the criticism.

But think,

The praise would mean nothing without the criticism.

I say this all the time.

If we only ever received praise,

It would mean nothing after a while,

Right?

If we only ever won,

And we never lost,

It would mean nothing after a while.

If we only ever got good deals and never got a bad deal,

The joy of the good deal would mean nothing after a while.

So this is part of what we're trying to see,

Right?

When we come out of the ego,

To see the reality of the world that we're living in.

To not try and set ourselves up as though we're living in another fantasy,

Where I'm only ever praised,

And I only ever win,

And just everything just floats for me beautifully,

And just little,

You know,

Birds and butterflies follow me wherever I go.

And,

You know,

It's just always so,

It's always so perfect.

Like,

That's not the reality of the world that we live in.

We all get criticized,

And it's how we respond to it.

Responding with wisdom and compassion,

Because wisdom is in compassion.

When we say to ourselves,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That was really tough,

Or just like me,

Millions of people around the world right now are feeling hurt,

Are feeling alone,

Are feeling jealous,

Are feeling left out,

Are feeling uh,

Tired,

Right?

Or just feeling low,

Right?

Just to remind ourselves this is a normal human experience.

But not to get lost in some story about it,

Not to make a little me out of it,

Up here,

A thought created me,

That is going to exaggerate the situation,

And make me feel more separate,

More alone,

More incomplete,

More broken,

Right?

To bring ourselves,

And both of those practices,

And I really do love the just like me,

Millions of people,

Because the ego is,

The ego does not acknowledge that this is happening to everyone else.

I'm the only one.

I'm the loser.

Everyone else in the world is just fine.

No one else in the world has been criticized or disagreed with,

Just me.

And that's what makes us feel even more small,

And more like a victim,

And more finite,

And limited.

But when we even recognize just like me,

Millions of people around the world right now are hurt,

Are feeling lost,

Have some,

Have a,

Have a problem,

You know,

Something that does need to be taken care of,

Something unresolved,

Just like me.

Ah,

Yeah,

This is normal.

This is okay to be with this,

Right?

And if we can be,

Get ourselves out of the illusion without all the exaggeratedness,

Without all the,

The,

The binary way that the ego looks at it as well,

With it's either I'm set for life,

Or this is it,

It's all done for,

I'm,

Right?

It's always like,

I got the praise,

I'm set for life.

I got the criticism,

I'm doomed,

Right?

It has just this extreme polar ends on everything,

As opposed to the reality of like,

This is part of the experience of life.

And,

And when we have that experience,

Like,

Oh,

Yeah,

Criticism is,

It hurt,

It hurt,

Acknowledge that.

It's a normal part of the human experience,

Just like me,

Millions of people are experiencing this.

Then,

You know,

And breathing,

Feeling it,

You know,

Feeling it in our body,

Coming into our body,

Reality versus the illusion.

We might even be able to think,

Hmm,

Maybe there was something valid there.

Maybe there was something I could learn from that.

Or maybe they do have a viewpoint now that maybe I should consider just exploring that.

Maybe there was something they said that actually makes some sense,

But we can't see it through our ego because our ego is always going to push back on it.

It's always going to push back.

Now,

If it is like,

No,

I think they were just being spiteful,

Or they're having a tough day,

Right?

Yeah,

Then okay,

There's nothing to look at it from that perspective then.

Just,

Yeah,

They were probably having a tough day.

And that is also a response that the ego wouldn't have because that's a compassionate response.

Yeah,

They're probably having a tough day.

When people are attacking us,

And I'm not just saying just a regular disagreement,

Just a slight disagreement,

But if someone's like attacking us or being really,

You can tell they're being disrespectful.

It's not just I'm disagreeing with your views.

They're being denigrating about our character in some way.

They are hurting.

They are suffering.

100%,

Without a doubt,

They are suffering.

There is no question in my mind.

Whenever we are suffering,

We hurt other people.

It's so tragic that this is what we do.

When we are hurt,

We hurt others.

But it is almost always the case.

I've never come across a case where it hasn't been that.

Just leave a little room for me to be wrong there.

But almost always,

If someone is hurting you,

They are hurting.

They are hurting.

And it doesn't mean we excuse the behavior.

It doesn't mean that we don't even respond in a way that we feel that they were walking all over us and talking to us in a way that was just unacceptable.

It doesn't mean that there can't be a response,

But not in a way to kind of push them back down,

But in a way that is wise and compassionate.

I don't feel like there's a lot of compassion in this conversation right now.

I feel like we're attacking each other.

And let's just take a little break,

And maybe we can talk again later.

Or maybe we even just say,

Maybe this is the 10th time it's happened,

Or the 5th time it's happened.

And we realize where the ego can give us a little bit of a hint at first of some good advice.

So this is a great example of where the ego can give us a little bit of a hint of good advice,

Where it says,

That was not kind,

How they treated you back there.

That has been going on and on.

And it starts giving you a little bit more of the evidence,

And you're like,

Yeah,

Yeah,

This isn't healthy.

This relationship isn't healthy.

I need to get out of it.

I need to set a boundary.

I need to break up with this person.

I need to end this relationship.

So,

But again,

Like,

Okay,

Yep,

You alerted me to something.

It alerted me to something.

One out of a hundred or a thousand times,

It is actually alerting us to something that is valuable,

That's helpful for us.

Okay,

You alerted me.

But now,

Now I just need to follow through with it.

Not creating some big story around it that I'm a victim.

I'm the only one that this is happening to.

I'm not a victim.

I'm not a victim.

I've recognized how they've been treating me.

I gave them the benefit of the doubt the first few times.

And people sometimes say,

A big practice,

I think one of our top practices is kindness,

Being kind to others,

Being kind to ourselves.

But if our kindness doesn't have wisdom in it,

And there is a lot of time that people are going around being kind,

Their ego,

Being kind,

Really disguised as a people pleaser,

Because it needs the validation.

And then we can end up letting people take advantage of us or walk all over us.

So while I think I would still always err on the side of kindness and still give people the benefit of the doubt in the beginning,

After a while,

You know,

We have to be careful that we don't allow our kindness practice,

That we are making sure it's rooted in wisdom.

So that we do understand when the ego kind of waves its red flag on that.

And you're like,

Yeah,

I've given them,

I gave them the benefit of the doubt,

It was a tough day.

And then it was,

They had this other thing happen to them.

And then I was there for them for this other thing.

But then you're like,

Man,

This is,

This is not a healthy relationship.

This is not a healthy relationship any longer.

And the kindest and most compassionate and wisest thing I can do is to end this relationship or create some space,

A little bit of distance in this relationship.

Because otherwise,

It is going to,

It will eventually affect me.

That will be a condition that if you are always around people that are taking advantage of you,

It will eventually affect you.

And in Dr.

Brene Brown's research,

When she was researching the most compassionate people in the world,

The common thread she found amongst them all,

Was they all set strong boundaries.

That they understood that if they let people,

You know,

The people that will drain our energy if we let them,

Right?

Not because they're bad people,

But because they're suffering in some way,

And they don't know any other way to get it.

And if we,

If we always allow those types of people in our lives,

And we don't,

Or we have them,

But we don't set boundaries,

Like,

Okay,

I can talk to you about this for five or ten minutes,

But then we're either looking for a solution,

Or it's over this conversation,

Right?

If we don't set some kind of boundary,

We will no longer remain compassionate.

And that is a travesty.

And people do need to understand the consequences of their behavior.

Not done in a nasty and name-calling,

And I don't imagine anyone here would do it in that way,

But in a kind and respectful way,

This isn't healthy for me any longer.

And then them,

While they'll push back at first,

Because most likely they're being ruled by their egos,

That may be a condition that gets them,

May,

Don't bank on it,

Don't do it for that reason,

But it could be a condition that causes them to then look inwards,

And think about how they are interacting with others,

And maybe that they need to do some work on themselves.

Maybe they need to go to a therapist,

Maybe they need to start practicing meditation,

Right?

That it could,

It could,

It could lead to that,

Because there are consequences for actions.

Thank you.

I think that was Martin that brought that up,

And I'm going to hop up to Nancy here,

Because I think I saw something about a cat,

And I'll come back to the other questions in a moment.

But Nancy,

So you had a very judgmental conversation towards you,

Based on someone else's perception,

And wasn't really a fair assessment of things,

And then on top of that,

Your cat is really sick.

So first of all,

My,

My heart goes out to you for your cat.

It's so tough when our pets are suffering,

And,

And then you add that in,

Like you're already,

You're already a little fragile,

Because of your cat.

And then you stack on top of that,

A conversation with someone that felt that was kind of judgmental,

And felt like it was their perception of you wasn't fair.

Like that's a lot for one person to take.

Self-compassion,

First of all,

For the cat,

You know,

Oh sweetheart,

This is tough,

This is tough.

Stay with where you are,

Because it's tough having a sick,

A sick cat,

A sick dog,

A sick relative,

Right?

It's so,

So,

It's tough for us,

You know,

To be with that.

So self-compassion,

Being with it,

This is tough,

This is challenging,

This is hard,

Right?

Keep saying that to yourself,

Oh sweetheart,

This is tough,

This is tough.

Just like me,

Millions of people around the world right now have someone that they love that is sick,

But staying with the feelings right now,

And we'll first focus on the cat,

You know,

And the feeling of the,

Of your baby,

Your little furry baby,

Staying with where you are now,

And,

And noticing when the mind wants to jump out to,

And is this it,

And what's going to happen,

And I can't handle it if we're going to,

If we've got to go back to the vet,

Or if this,

Right,

We know that the mind does this,

The ego,

It jumps out into the future,

And it presumes something that you do not know if that's going to happen again,

Or you don't know what's going to happen in the future.

Being with what is,

The more you can be with what is,

Keep bringing yourself back,

And just stay here,

And be with what's here.

The sadness,

The concern,

The concern,

The concern in this moment,

Not imagining,

Simulating in the future,

Being with the concern,

Feeling it,

And just being kind to yourself,

Sweetheart,

You're doing your best,

Be there with your little kitty cat,

She or she's,

Or here,

He,

They're,

They're,

Um,

I just want to see you're saying here,

Back to vet again,

I think you're going back to the vet again at four,

Um,

Maybe four today is what you're meaning,

You've got to go back to this afternoon,

Okay,

Don't let your mind get too far ahead of yourself on this,

You're doing what you can do,

You're going back to the vet at four,

You're not ignoring this,

You're going back to someone,

A professional that knows,

That will know what to do,

That will be a better help to you in this situation,

That will be of help to you in this situation,

Stay present with where you are,

That is the best way to stay present for whatever it is,

Like,

If we can't be present now,

We cannot be present in the future,

And how many times,

And I have three dogs,

And I've had lots of dogs in my life,

And I've been there where,

You know,

They're sick,

Something's going wrong,

And you do have that fear,

Oh no,

Is this it,

Especially if they're older,

You know,

Older animals,

And then how many times,

Oh,

Wasn't it,

We're fine,

Everything was okay,

But we never question all of that torturing ourselves,

You know,

Oh no,

This is it,

This is it,

This is it,

We never question it,

We're so relieved when we find out,

Oh my god,

It's going to be okay,

It was a urinary tract infection,

And they're okay,

And we've got antibiotics,

And everything's okay,

We never question,

Wow,

Was it useful,

All that worrying,

Did it make,

Did that change the outcome,

Because we do tend to,

We do tend to imagine that the worrying somehow changed the outcome,

The worrying did not affect the outcome,

The worrying created more stress for you,

And created more stress for whoever it is that you're caring for,

Whether that's a pet,

Whether it's a human being,

A bird,

Right,

It's not,

It's not helping anyone,

Do what we need to do on the external,

Of course,

You know,

Take the appropriate actions,

Lots of self-compassion,

Nancy,

Lots of self-compassion,

And all those hearts are going out to you,

Because we all know what it's like,

It's,

You know,

We love our babies,

We love them,

And,

And it's tough going through that,

Especially with a pet,

When they don't understand what's going on,

And they're sick,

And you can't tell them,

But still talk to them,

Still tell them,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

We're going to the vet today,

We're going to see what's going on,

You know,

You know,

I love you,

Give them a little pet,

Like a little child,

You know,

I love you,

Sweetheart,

I'm here for you,

Right,

So,

You know,

Self-compassion for you,

Compassion for your pet,

But staying here in the present moment,

And then,

You know,

The conversation,

Right,

The judgmental conversation,

Um,

Still self-compassion,

Right,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That's,

It's tough having those conversations when someone's judging us in an unkind way,

Or an un,

What we perceive as a,

A,

You know,

In a perception that,

Or a light that we,

We,

That we don't feel that,

That,

That is true to who we are,

But of course,

Everyone has their own perceptions,

Right,

We have our own perceptions,

They have their own perceptions,

And it's tough,

Because it does matter to us what people think about us,

It does matter,

And it really mattered when we lived in tribes,

Right,

That if we were,

If we were going to get kicked out of the tribe,

It would have meant a certain death for us at one point,

And it is a good social cue for us as well,

If everyone's telling us that our behavior is bad,

Like,

Oh,

That's a good social cue,

Maybe something does need to change here,

That's where I'm saying,

Again,

Like,

Sometimes the ego can be,

Like,

Saying,

Meredith,

You might need to change that,

Right,

You might need to switch your approach up on that,

Um,

Of course,

It would never do that,

It would always push back and just say,

No,

Everyone else is wrong,

So it does,

It does hurt,

Though,

When we feel we're being judged,

You know,

What we would,

Just not in the way that we would like to be judged,

That we think,

Not,

Not seeing how we think we are,

It hurts,

Acknowledge that,

Just like back to Martin's point before,

Where he was talking about the,

The,

Um,

Disagreements and opinions,

Or the criticism,

It hurts,

It hurts,

Acknowledge it,

Oh,

Sweetheart,

That was a tough conversation,

That was painful,

That hurt,

That hurts,

Okay,

You're okay now,

You're here,

Talk yourself down,

Versus pushing yourself over the ledge,

Especially you already have a stressful situation,

And I think,

I do think that,

You know,

Those two things together probably made the conversation that much,

You know,

You're feeling a little bit helpless over there with your animal,

And then,

Um,

And then you're feeling even more helpless,

Because we can't change people's perceptions of us,

Right,

They're going to believe what they want to believe about us,

Um,

And it just makes us feel even more helpless,

And more hopeless,

And more like a victim,

So,

So it's good to recognize,

Too,

When it's like,

Oh,

We already have something going on,

You've got a challenging situation,

You've got a deadline at work,

You've got a challenging family situation at home,

Some dynamics that you've been working through,

Maybe for months,

Maybe for years,

Uh,

And it's kind of getting,

You know,

It's kind of rising back up again,

Or,

Or you're just feeling a little down for some reason,

Some,

We all,

We all wake up sometimes,

Just feel a little down,

There's no real reason for it,

But you just,

You feel a little off,

Or you're a little tired,

Your energy's a little bit low,

And it's good for us to recognize that,

And say,

Oh,

You know,

Through that filter,

I'm probably overreacting as well,

Just even more overreacting because of this,

Um,

It's good for us to recognize,

Because when we're feeling really good,

Let's say you've,

You've,

You've been meditating,

And,

And you just come off of a retreat,

You could probably have a conversation like that,

And think,

Oh man,

They are really suffering,

Of course,

I wish they didn't see me that way,

But I know not everyone's going to like me,

And that kind of hurt in the beginning,

But I get it,

I get it,

I don't like everyone,

Right?

None of us likes every single person on the planet,

Right?

I mean,

I don't hate anyone,

But there's definitely people that I,

I like more than others,

Those that,

Um,

That,

Um,

You know,

There's some that I would say like,

That,

Yes,

Some that I like more than others,

And so why would I,

Why would I be the exception to the rule that everyone would like me the equal amount,

Right?

It's,

Again,

Trying,

We're trying to live in reality,

But if we go too quickly up into our ego and push back on it,

We miss,

You know,

We miss all of that wisdom,

And compassion,

And understanding,

And nuance,

And the practices that we have about,

Hey,

Just,

It was tough,

It hurt,

You know,

It sucks,

I've got a few things going on,

I can see why this is affecting me a little bit more,

Yeah,

I probably just need to be kind to myself right now,

I got a lot going on,

Probably really need to be kind to myself,

Breathe into it,

Create space,

Right?

The ego is tightening,

Tension,

Breathe,

Feel all that tension in your body,

Feel it come into your body,

Instead of believing the little illusion,

Come in and feel reality,

It's still uncomfortable,

That tension in your body is still uncomfortable,

But it's not nearly as bad as when you attach it to the story,

The story is what throws it over the edge,

But when you come into it,

And you feel it,

And you go,

Oh,

Okay,

Yeah,

There's some tightness in my chest,

Feel it over here,

Maybe it's a little over here,

It feels a little dull,

It feels a little sharp,

Right?

Like really trying to feel what's happening there,

And just creating some space for it as you breathe,

Allowing it to be,

Not pushing it away,

Whenever we're pushing it away,

We're resisting,

We're back in the ego,

This shouldn't be happening,

This is part of the human experience,

We only want the good,

We don't want the unpleasant,

You can't have the pleasant without the unpleasant,

We're trying to live in reality,

And to be more okay in those times when we are going through the difficult times,

You know,

To feel,

And I hope for today and tonight,

As you go to bed tonight,

Because I think you said somewhere back that you were having some trouble sleeping,

I want you to feel all the love from your sangha here,

Although I saw some of the messages going to you,

The heart's going to you,

Feel all that love of people caring for you,

That you're not alone,

Right?

Even in tragedies,

Even in difficult things like that,

That being vulnerable to share,

That you're going through something,

And then everyone else wanting to really,

You know,

Hold you in their heart,

And comfort you,

Right?

To feel that sense of connection,

As well,

Okay,

So I'll go back,

I know there were a few other questions back here,

Okay,

Sorry,

We had to go back quite a ways,

I'm so sorry,

We're just now getting back to you here,

Kathy,

I'm sorry,

Because this was 41 minutes ago,

You posted this,

I'm aware of the comparing people,

Pleasing,

Judging,

Needing validation,

Etc.

,

Difficult to get out of it,

Sometimes I feel a contraction and uncomfortable feelings in my body,

When it happens,

It holds me back,

And I'm just going to add,

Because I think Suze is kind of the same thing,

Mara,

I think you're talking about,

And I'm just going to add,

Because I think Suze is kind of the same thing,

Mara,

I think you're talking about,

Mara,

The ego,

Yeah,

I'm paying attention to the tightness,

Clenching,

And fear that shows up with Mara's presence,

Always comes,

The ego,

Mara,

Always comes with that tension,

That contraction,

That uncomfortable feeling,

And what holds the uncomfortable feeling there,

Is the story,

The story,

If you're comparing,

Well,

They have more than me,

And we're so convinced,

The problem is that they have more than me,

The problem is I'm comparing,

That's what's causing the discomfort,

The thoughts of comparing,

Or needing someone's validation,

You know,

Needing someone's praise,

Needing someone to reaffirm us,

Right,

That's all happening in thought,

And it's the thoughts,

The thought created me,

Is when we have these thoughts,

Someone has more than me,

Our brain reacts as well,

And thinks,

Oh my god,

You're falling behind,

Kathy,

There's not enough for you,

They're getting more than you,

You're not going to be able to survive,

And the brain having a very binary response to threats,

The stress,

Right,

Oh,

Well,

I only know how to do one thing,

Right,

Stress,

Run or fight,

That's it,

That's all you can do,

And so your body getting flooded with adrenaline,

And cortisol,

And norepinephrine,

And your blood pressure's up,

And your heart rate's up,

And you're breathing more rapidly from the upper part of your lungs,

Right,

The kind of short,

Shallow breathing,

Maybe a little sweat,

You're feeling a little sweat on your hands,

All of the available glucose leaving your brain,

Going to your large muscles,

Tensing you up,

So the thoughts create a physical representation of it in the body,

Like it feels threatening,

Like it really feels it,

Right,

But when you can drop into the body,

And when we say like drop into the body,

That's hard to do,

Because the thoughts feel,

The thoughts are created the threat,

And stress is meant to keep you laser focused on the threat,

So if the threat is a thought,

Then I don't want to take my attention off the thought,

And this is why it's really,

It's really hard when someone's really worked up,

And they're angry,

Or they're stressed,

And they're carrying on,

And you're like,

And people go,

Oh,

Just let it go,

They can't let it go,

It feels so real to them,

That they are really being threatened,

That there is something here that is really threatened,

Even though you're perfectly safe,

And fine,

We believe the illusion more than we believe reality,

And so I just want to be clear,

It's hard coming into the body,

Right,

But we've got to find a way to pull ourselves into it,

Self-compassion really does cut through that negative self-talk,

Right,

Just if you can even just say before even coming into the body,

Oh sweetheart,

This is tough,

This hurts,

This is uncomfortable,

Just that is getting you out of the illusion,

Because you're accepting what's happening,

You're acknowledging what's happening,

And then even saying to yourself,

Okay sweetheart,

Let's feel this,

Let's feel this,

Let's be with this,

The kindest thing I can do for myself is feel this,

And I want to be kind to myself,

We always want to be kind to ourselves,

Right,

Kindfulness,

Even just having that intention,

I want to be kind to myself here,

I'm going to breathe,

I'm going to take 10 breaths,

Just 10 breaths,

And just allow these feelings to be here,

This tight,

You know,

Allow all that remnant to be there,

I mean,

I'm going to open up as I breathe,

But not pushing any of it away,

I'm going to take 10 breaths,

10 big breaths,

Allowing it all to be here,

And notice how you feel at the end of 10 breaths,

10 breaths,

The monkey is almost entirely off your back at that point,

Right,

The weight of that monkey,

Like you,

Oh,

I'm okay,

And it starts back up again,

A few minutes later,

No problem,

Do it again,

Oh sweetheart,

This is tough,

It's back again so soon,

Well,

Right,

Make a little joke with it,

Oh sweetheart,

Yeah,

That didn't give us much of a break,

Did it?

Okay,

Let's be with it again,

10 breaths,

We have to break the cycle,

Because as long as we keep going back up into the cycle,

And continuing these thought habits of pushing back,

Of doubting ourselves,

Of judging ourselves,

Of belittling ourselves,

Of criticizing ourselves over and over,

Because someone else criticized us,

We keep repeating it to ourselves,

As long as we keep repeating that,

It just becomes a more ingrained habit,

And we believe more and more that little illusion of me,

So we have to break the cycle,

I really,

Self-compassion,

Try and come in with self-compassion,

Then breathe 10 breaths,

If you have to do it within a two-hour period,

If you have to do that 10 times,

I mean,

That's probably,

Probably takes about like 10 good breaths,

Probably a minute and a half or so,

So let's give you 30,

Let's say it's a two-minute practice,

A two-minute practice,

I'm not saying that all of the physical sensations will be gone in two minutes,

They will be less intense,

And you will be out of the illusion,

So two minutes times 10,

20 minutes over two hours,

Okay,

And you might think,

Well,

That's a lot of time,

20 minutes out of 120 minutes to pull myself out of it,

But you are leading yourself closer to the end of suffering every time you do that,

Versus the other path,

I would argue,

Because as soon as it starts,

It doesn't end in two minutes,

It just continues on and on and on,

Until you distract yourself in some way,

Right,

And then it just comes back again,

So this is really starting to address the issue,

To change the habit,

And it's hard,

It's hard to change these habits,

It's hard to change the habit of feeling threatened,

To come into your body,

Right,

And it's hard to change the habit right,

To be here in the present moment,

Where you're safe,

We trust the illusion more than we trust reality,

So we have to keep pulling ourselves back,

And we have,

This is what all of our mindfulness practices are for,

To help bring us back into to reality,

To stop repeating the habits,

Whatever habit you keep repeating is going to persist,

We've got to make a break,

It doesn't matter how many times you have to do it,

If in two hours,

You've got to do it 20 times,

Every time you do it,

You pull yourself out of it,

You are weakening its power over you,

Its power over you,

Even if it starts back up a couple minutes later,

You are,

You are recognizing,

I can do something,

I can pull myself back out,

And we just keep practicing,

Begin again,

Begin again,

Begin again,

No judgment,

No beating ourselves up,

That's just the ego coming in another back door,

We just begin again,

And begin again,

And thank you Nancy,

Thank you for the donation,

Thank you,

I appreciate that,

I still in,

And yes,

Just from Martin,

What you're saying,

If we can separate from the ego,

We can become more conscious and present,

To which suffering can dissipate,

Absolutely,

Yeah,

Yeah,

That's the point,

Separating our identity,

Yeah,

Seeing through the illusion,

Recognizing that's not me,

Oh,

Thank you Char,

Thank you for your good,

For your kind words,

Okay,

And then we're,

All these kind words for Nancy,

Okay,

And I hope when you sleep tonight Nancy,

Just really,

Yeah,

Think about,

Think about all the love and compassion here,

And everyone holding you in your heart,

And I see you've got to go to take your baby back to the vet,

And we all send you good wishes,

Love,

And,

And just holding you and your baby in our,

In our hearts,

So just know that,

Okay,

I'll just go back here,

Just try and do a couple more questions,

And then we'll get close to,

Close to wrapping up here,

I think,

Oh,

Thank you Mary,

Thank you for your,

I love your kind words,

Thank you,

You're so sweet,

I'm not,

I don't know astrology that well,

But I think Nancy's already off,

So,

Okay,

Okay,

So Thomas,

So actually,

Maybe we'll finish on,

On Thomas's question here,

About regret,

So regret is definitely the ego,

Right,

Definitely the ego,

There's a difference between regretting and remorse and reflecting,

And regretting,

Of course,

There's no,

There's no ending with regret,

There's nowhere to land on regret,

It's just a,

It's just a perpetual,

I wish I hadn't done that,

I wish I hadn't said that,

I wish I hadn't made that choice,

Right,

It's just pushing back on something that happened that I cannot change,

Definition of insanity,

Right,

I cannot change it,

And so,

And in that regretting,

Not seeing the reality,

The reality that I couldn't have done anything differently at the time,

Based on the stress that I was under,

Or the lack of sleep that I was experiencing,

Or all the causes and conditions that arose in that moment,

Because the fact that it did play out that way,

Whatever was arising in that moment,

Is how it was going to play out,

And so,

In regret,

There is no wisdom,

There is no seeing reality,

There is this assuming,

There's a little separate me,

Ego,

That could have done something differently,

No,

And it's the ego,

Now with new information,

Saying,

Well,

No,

I should have done it this way,

Well,

Now you have new information,

You didn't have that information at the time of how it played out,

Or you were just so unconscious,

You just weren't seeing,

You know,

Now you're more conscious,

Now you're more aware,

Regret will never lead you to peace,

It will never lead you to compassion or wisdom,

You will be stuck,

People can ruin their whole lives with regret,

The bitterness that can fester within them through living their lives with regret,

So it doesn't mean that there's not a place to,

So the first thing though,

Too,

And is this recognition,

And this is hard,

Because I know I talk about this,

And people have a hard time with this,

You would not have done anything differently,

You would not have done anything differently,

Based on all the causes and conditions that were arising in that moment,

Whatever it was that nudged you in that final to say something,

To act out in some way,

You would not have done anything differently,

With that said,

So now even the wisdom of understanding that,

And I get not everyone sees that yet,

That is a big part of awakening,

Is seeing how all of this is arising,

But if you can even just have that first assumption of even just kind of looking at the causes and conditions,

Even of just this one particular situation,

Oh I was overwhelmed at work,

I was having this relationship problem,

And then this one final thing happened with this client,

And I acted stupidly,

I acted irrationally,

Right,

To look at it and think I can see all the causes and conditions that led up to that,

I can see how that happened,

Right,

Just to be able to see that,

So that you can be looking at it from a more clear view,

Right,

Of really understanding,

Ah,

This is how it arose,

And now understanding,

I can see all the causes and conditions that led up to that,

I can reflect on it in a way and say,

Okay,

When I'm getting stressed in the future,

I really do need to just take a moment,

I shouldn't push myself that last few minutes,

Or if someone,

I was just having something going wrong at work,

I didn't practice self-compassion to get myself through making that mistake,

Right,

In that way to look at and say,

I do need to be a little more careful,

Or I didn't meditate that day,

That maybe was a cause for that outburst or something,

And I'm just making all sorts of assumptions about what it was,

But it's to reflect back and understand the causes and conditions can be healthy,

Can be healthy,

Because maybe that now creates a new condition for the future,

If you're in a similar situation and you feel yourself,

You're like,

Uh-oh,

And now I remember what happened last time,

And I didn't take the time that I needed,

That few minutes,

That two minutes,

To be kind to myself with some self-compassion,

To take some 10 breaths,

To center myself,

To let go of some of the stress,

Because it's starting to stack up on top of me,

We can only take so much,

We're human,

Right,

We let it all stack up and we just think,

Oh,

I've got to just push through that last mile,

No,

Take that two minutes,

Get the monkey off your back,

You know,

Just so you can have a little bit of a relative calm again,

So there can be some healthy reflection in there,

There can be some remorse,

Yeah,

I wish I hadn't said that,

I probably hurt their feelings and I think I need to go and apologize,

Not from the standpoint of my ego that can't handle the little image of me having hurt someone,

Because now I'm a bad person,

Not from that perspective going and apologizing,

But from the apology that I'm human,

We all screw up,

We,

I say this,

I think almost every week,

And I will probably always say it every week,

Because I think it's one of the biggest mistakes we make on the spiritual path,

Particularly on the spiritual path,

Where we have this idea that we're trying to be perfect,

We're not,

We're trying to be human,

We're trying to allow ourselves to be human,

To be imperfect,

To make mistakes,

To say the wrong thing,

To not always have the right answer,

To have a moment,

Like you're allowed to have a moment,

Right,

It's how you respond afterwards,

Do you apologize,

Do you reflect,

You know,

Is there,

Is there,

Is it a healthy way in how you respond to it,

So if it's to go and apologize,

Not from a standpoint of your ego,

But because I hurt you and I'm so sorry,

I'm so sorry,

Not in this like big spilling out everything about wow,

This is all the reasons I did all this,

Right,

Because trying to get some,

Please make me feel better,

Right,

It's about oh,

I hurt you and I'm so sorry,

I'm so sorry,

So regret,

Regret is one of,

It is,

It is,

You know,

It's resistance,

It's pushing back on something that you cannot push back on,

And it's really pushing back,

I mean,

It's pushing back on reality,

It's pushing back on us,

Because we're not accepting in that moment,

I made a mistake,

I made a mistake,

I wish I hadn't done that,

Yeah,

I hope in the future not to do that,

I should really just reflect on those circumstances,

And for anyone that I hurt,

I'm going to apologize,

But I'm going to forgive myself as well,

It's a part of our self-compassion,

Now bringing your hand to your heart,

And saying that word 50 times,

It's another mindfulness practice,

Compassion practice,

Saying the word,

I forgive,

I forgive,

I forgive,

Breaking the train of thought of regret,

Regret,

Regret,

I can't believe I did that,

You know,

I forgive,

I forgive,

I forgive,

I forgive,

I forgive,

I,

Right,

You're walking down the road of compassion now,

And then eventually the word comes out,

I forgive myself,

I'm human,

I make mistakes,

Now if I can forgive myself,

I can go and forgive,

Or I can go and ask for forgiveness,

I can go and let the other person know,

I am so sorry for how I hurt them,

I'm so sorry,

It was not my intention,

Right,

So I hope that helps,

Regret is,

Is very,

It can,

People can hold on to regret their whole lives,

And let that cloud their,

Closing up their hearts,

And just living in the illusion of regret,

Regret doesn't benefit anyone,

Doesn't benefit anyone,

We can't change things,

And we imagine getting stuck in regret that somehow,

I'm improving my situation,

Or that's how I'm going to prevent doing it again in the future,

Probably not,

Because it just keeps us lost in the illusion,

And most times when we act in ways that we do regrets,

Because we're lost in the illusion,

We're pushing back,

And the regret is just keeping us in the illusion,

You wouldn't have done anything differently,

This is the biggest misnomer that we have,

As though,

Because the ego claiming,

I could have done something differently,

As though,

Because the ego is separate,

And solid,

And independent,

There is nothing separate,

Or solid,

Or independent about you,

Every single one of us,

Is,

Is arising and changing moment by moment,

We are not the same person,

Person,

From moment to moment to moment,

The change so subtle,

So subtle,

Right,

But we look over years maybe,

And we can see it,

Yeah,

There's much more differences,

We can see it,

But you are never,

The way you're feeling in one moment,

The way your body composition,

Your hormones,

Your neurotransmitters,

The environment you're in,

The thoughts that you're having,

I don't know if I said feelings,

The emotions,

Never the same,

It's like the Zen saying,

You can't step in the same river twice,

You are never the same,

From moment to moment,

You are arising based on causes and conditions,

And changing moment by moment,

Based on causes and conditions,

And when you see that,

You understand,

Regret has no place,

I couldn't have done anything differently.