498: Dating Yourself: The Ultimate Self-Worth Reset

Hello,

Hello,

And welcome to the Michelle Chalfant Show.

So today on the show,

I'm sitting down with Sonia Flores,

And we're talking about something that immediately changed how I think about dating and relationships.

It's called mantourage dating.

I'm not sure if you've heard that term before.

I had not.

Sonia shares how after years of frustrating dating,

And I want to say this straight up,

This is not just a show about dating.

This is very much a show around building your self-worth and the relationship that you have with yourself in any relationship.

So if you're someone that's not dating,

Still have a listen,

Because this applies to you as well.

But she made a powerful shift,

And it was an internal shift when it came to dating.

And she's going to talk to us about exactly what she did to attract the person into her life that she is still with three years later.

So we talk about what it looks like to date from self-worth instead of anxiety or panic or even love addiction,

Right?

So many of us,

I know,

Feel that way,

Like we're so desperate for that partner.

We want that person to come in,

Or we want our partner to change,

Right?

This is what we talked about today.

How do you shift that?

And it is all about shifting within self.

So this is her approach to not just dating,

But really building that internal self-worth.

And within that comes boundaries,

Comes just her standards and what our standards could be when it comes to dating or even the relationships that we're currently in.

So we had a big conversation around this.

We had so much fun.

I cannot wait to hear what you think about this show because you got to remember something.

In any relationship that you are in,

You are the common denominator.

So if you want that relationship to change,

It's our own beliefs internally about ourselves that need to change first.

And then we watch that outside reality just start to ripple.

It's like a domino effect.

Everything then starts to change.

So enjoy the show.

I can't wait to hear what you think.

Okay,

Sonia Flores is in the house.

Welcome to the Shell Shelf Fund Show.

Sonia Flores,

It is a delight to have you on the podcast today.

Sure is.

So happy to be here.

Thank you for inviting me.

Yeah,

I could not invite you after what came up yesterday in our meeting.

Yes,

People love it.

Okay,

My friends,

We have a very,

Very special show for you today.

So let's see,

Where do I begin?

So Sonia is someone that works with me.

I have known Sonia since I think,

What,

2017?

A long time.

A long time.

And yeah,

So we were in our team meeting yesterday at the Michelle Shelf Fund Company.

And Sonia brought up a term and the entire team said,

Stop,

What is this term?

We need to break this term down.

And we started talking about everyone needs to learn this term.

And the term is,

Sonia?

Manta-rage dating.

It's called manta-rage.

And it has a lot to do with dating.

How do we date from a place of self-worth,

Boundaries,

All the things.

But here's the thing,

Do not turn the episode off if you're not someone that's in the dating scene.

Because what we discovered in our conversation in our team meeting was this concept applies beautifully even to people that are in long-term partnerships,

Marriages,

And even if you're not dating.

This is just about learning about self-worth.

I mean,

We broke it down yesterday.

So we all felt like this is something that we need to talk about.

So we're going to get into it today and talk about the energetics of really relationships,

Of dating,

Of being in partnership,

Of self-worth and all the things.

So Sonia,

You have a story.

Let's just kick it off with you.

And let's talk about,

For a moment,

Tell us a little bit about yourself.

Who are you when it comes to,

Again,

Being in relationships?

And tell us a little bit about your journey.

So I'm a woman in my 50s,

In midlife,

And living my best life.

But it wasn't always that way.

I got married at a fairly young age,

In my mid-20s,

And had a 10-year marriage,

And then had an 8-year relationship after that.

And that didn't end well.

And so I found myself again in my close to 50s dating again.

And it was not fun.

It was not fun in the beginning.

I tried meeting people in person,

And I tried meeting people online,

And tried reading up.

And it just felt like it was a you-know-what show.

Every time I tried getting out there and dating,

It was a hot mess.

I just felt very deflated.

And so do you want me to go right into the story of how this all happened?

That's basically what my background relationship situation is.

And I am now in a committed relationship.

There was a shift that I made to make that happen.

And that's what I think is really important.

Again,

Whether you're in a committed relationship or not,

You had a really,

I want to call it a profound shift.

And here it is again.

I always say this.

Any relationship that we are in,

We have to remember that we are the common denominator in all relationships.

And you had an internal shift that then really shifted the course of then who you were dating.

And that was where everything happened for you.

You talked about building self-worth,

And there was so much that came from that.

So you were on dating apps.

Again,

So many women we know,

If you're listening right now,

You may not be on dating apps.

You definitely know of somebody that's on dating apps,

Trying to find the one,

Trying to find someone they can date,

Trying to find someone they can be in a committed relationship with or someone they can just go out and date and have fun.

So Sonia,

Tell us your story.

Go into a little bit more detail.

That would be great.

You know,

I couldn't have gotten to that point and to that shift and to that realization without working on myself.

So that is where the last relationship ended when I started doing the work on myself.

And so I want to start by saying that first,

Michelle,

Because it was your body of work that allowed me to grow that self-worth and to start making these shifts.

And you're right.

I started dating and I started just,

You know,

Doing what we all do,

Just swipe,

Swipe,

Swipe.

And it's hard to tell when you're first looking at these things and everything looks the same and everybody kind of writing the same thing,

Like who to pick.

And it was just,

It just was yucky.

Okay?

It was just not a good experience.

And so I found myself several times getting on these apps and going on several dates and just being,

Oh,

My gosh,

Just like this is not good.

You know?

And just being off of it,

Deleting the app and getting off of it again.

And then several months later or a year later,

Okay,

Let me try this again.

And then that didn't work again.

I was like,

Okay,

Let me try to meet people again.

Not that I wanted to find somebody,

But,

You know,

It's like it's nice to have somebody to share life with and to like go out on dates with and travel with.

And so one day I just,

You know,

I thought,

Okay,

I was in a hiatus again,

You know,

Not dating,

Not doing anything.

And I thought,

You know what?

I just kind of got this download.

And I said,

You know,

What if I make this about me instead of about them?

Like I'm the common denominator after all.

So how can I make this about me?

Instead of going out there and just having an awful time on these dates,

I said,

What if I make the best of it and just have fun?

And I decided to make it about me.

And I decided to go out and get like beautiful outfits,

Like date outfits,

And do my makeup and do my hair and like put all my effort into it.

I made a list of all the places that I wanted to go to,

All the restaurants I wanted to visit,

The things,

The activities,

The museums,

Like all the things that I wanted to do and visit,

So that when I was asked,

Where do you want to go on our date?

I didn't just go like,

Oh,

I don't care.

Anywhere's fine,

You know.

And no,

I like,

I'm like,

Well,

This is what I want to do.

This is where I want to go.

And,

You know,

Sometimes I used to ask them to give me like a couple options.

But at this point,

I'm like,

I have my list.

And I was like,

This is where I want to go.

This is where I want to do.

And,

You know,

So I went out there.

I would get dressed up.

I would show up.

I knew I was going to be trying a restaurant that I wanted to try,

Be going out somewhere that I wanted to be at.

And it just became really fun.

I'm hearing such a pivot that I love so much.

You said several times,

You know,

I did it for myself.

I did it for me.

I didn't do it for them.

I did it for me.

So there was this pivot that happened,

A focus that happened.

And so instead of focusing outside of yourself,

Like,

Oh,

My gosh,

I just want someone that I can spend time with,

Someone that I can blah,

Blah,

Blah,

All the things,

You pivoted and said,

Wait,

This is going to be just some fun,

Something fun that I can do for myself.

And then I love the idea of the list.

I want to go to all these different restaurants and museums and I know what I want to go do.

And you dressed up,

Of course,

You wanted to look nice for the person you're on the date with,

But it was more about you.

Yes.

I had so much fun.

I had so much fun with it.

I even got like a membership to like one of these like rental companies where you get like these designer dresses and I,

You know,

And outfits and I just had a lot of fun with it.

So that was number one.

That's like such an inner child thing to do.

So just even repeating that to myself,

Repeating it to you right now,

It's just like,

Ooh,

That was like,

My chakras just lit up.

I can tell you have like so much light around you right now.

Like just if you're not watching on YouTube,

She is smiling.

Like you have light coming all out of you.

Like it was for me.

That's what I keep hearing.

It was all about.

And I chose myself.

I'm doing this for myself.

I'm going to treat myself to a beautiful outfit and I'm doing it for myself.

And if the date works out,

Great.

But if not,

I still had a great time.

I looked in the mirror.

I loved what I was wearing.

I love the place I went and I had a ball.

Yeah.

I would take pictures of myself and then I was trying these places that I wanted to go to.

So,

So it was fun.

I made it a fun experience.

So that was the first step.

So the second step was that I had heard about this mentorage dating term.

And I had heard it on a podcast.

So it's definitely not a term that I,

That I came up with,

But I thought it was very witty.

And,

Um,

And I decided to try this concept of creating a mentorage instead of like creating my entourage.

It was a man garage.

Love it.

And what I meant by that was that I was dating several men at the same time.

And by dating,

I mean,

I was communicating with them on the apps.

I was talking to them on the phone.

I was going out on first,

Second dates.

You know,

That's it.

It was pure dating,

Going out and having a good time for me.

My,

My,

You know,

Where I drew the line was like the kissing and the making out like that was not my thing.

I first wanted a couple of dates,

You know,

To kind of see what that was.

So that's,

That it's a mentorage.

It's a group of men that I was going out with.

And I'm not at the same time,

Obviously one at a time,

But I had what I could handle with my workload.

And my time was three people at a time that I was communicating with.

We're going out with and going on dates with and talking to,

To get to know them.

It's kind of like,

Like interviewing for a role,

Right?

When you have a role in your company,

You're interviewing different people.

Not that I was treating it as an interview,

But I was like,

Let me get to know different people before I decide,

Oh,

This is the one that I'm going to dedicate the next six to 12 months of my life to.

Right.

So that,

You know,

Like let let's,

Let's quantum leap here.

Let's make this process easier.

And what I found was that.

What I found was that when I would go out with people or talk to somebody and it wasn't working out,

It was very easy for me to just be like,

Okay,

Not this one.

Let me add another one.

And so I always kind of had three in the mix that I was talking to or going out on dates with.

And I had never felt attached to anyone.

I never felt like,

Oh my gosh,

If this doesn't work out or is this the one or,

You know,

Like,

Is he going to call me?

It didn't matter.

I was going out and having a good time.

I was dressing up for me.

I was going out and having a good time having,

Trying these restaurants,

Going to these museums doing the things that I wanted to do and have fun getting to know these people.

So whether it worked out or not,

Didn't matter to me because I also knew that I was going to go out on another fun date in a couple of days.

And there was a couple of other men that I was still talking to.

And so it made it very easy to just to,

To not allow little red flags to just be like,

Oh,

It's okay.

You know?

Because then I'm like,

Not that I was comparing them to each other,

But I was like,

Oh,

This,

This feels good.

And this doesn't.

So let's,

Let's move this one out of the way.

And it just kind of became this,

You know,

Like when you're interviewing for a role,

It's like,

Okay,

Not,

Not that one,

Not that one,

Not that one.

And so it just made it very easy to just,

You know,

Not feel attached to the outcome,

Which is what we are taught in manifestation.

Right?

Don't become attached to the outcome.

This is so good,

Sonia,

Because I think about,

I mean,

Even people I've known over the years and we can talk just for a second about even attachment styles.

Do you know what yours is or was?

Well,

I grew up as anxious.

Anxiously attached,

Right?

So,

And that would be the one that I know of with several,

Several of my friends when we're anxiously attached,

We might go into a process like this where we cling to quickly.

We go into fantasy about,

Oh my God,

This is the one.

And,

And,

You know,

We've dated them once or twice and this is the one,

This is the one,

This has to be the one.

And we look at that person outside of us as if their life support there,

They are our oxygen.

And I'm hearing you say you did not do that.

You made,

This is key here.

You made yourself your own oxygen tank.

Instead of looking for it out there,

Because when we make someone outside of self our oxygen tank,

We miss all the red flags.

There are,

We can't even see them.

It's like,

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter that they did this and that.

And the other thing,

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter because I need them.

I need them.

I need them.

No,

No,

No,

No,

No,

No.

So Bravo.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so what,

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

Yeah.

What I noticed immediately,

Which was wild is that the quality of men that I started matching with completely shifted.

It was for me,

For my standards,

It was an up level,

You know,

For me,

Maybe yours is something different for,

But for what I was looking for,

It,

It felt like an up level.

And so I started to notice that immediately.

And so I don't know what that was due to,

Because this is an app.

So all I can say is that my energy frequency changed.

And so therefore I was just matching differently.

But then what happened is that as I was dating them,

Then it became easy to like sift them out.

And because I was not attached,

I don't know.

There's this magic that happens.

Then it like creates this magnetism and they all wanted to stay in the roster.

They didn't know.

They did not know that I was dating several people.

I didn't,

I was dating other people and I didn't also say that they,

I was exclusive with them.

I mean,

This,

These are like the first few dates anyway,

So there's no exclusivity there.

Nor do I think I,

I was,

You know,

They were exclusive with me.

You know,

The other way around.

But anyways,

What I started to see is that they were like,

Oh no,

No,

No.

Let me,

Give me another chance.

Let's try again.

Like I really,

Really like you.

And I'm like,

Yeah,

No,

It just,

You know,

It's like on me on the other side,

I'm like,

No,

I already got my three over here.

I already replaced you.

I'm moving on.

And it just,

I didn't,

It didn't feel like a loss.

Whereas before it would have,

You know,

Before I made this shift.

And so that really led to a lot of fun.

And what's interesting is that in less than two months,

I then ended up meeting my now longtime boyfriend.

And I,

I feel that it was that energetic shift in how I was approaching the whole thing that then up leveled my frequency and then allowed me to meet somebody really,

Really,

Really great in person.

How long did you date before you had that pivot where it just wasn't working out?

Well,

My last relationship ended in 2018.

So I probably waited about a year to start dating again.

So about four years.

So you were,

So you only were dating four years,

Let's call it.

The other way where it was there,

They were,

The focus was outside of you,

Right?

The focus was outside.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And then you shifted the focus.

So it was internal and based on you.

And then that's when everything changed.

Everything changed.

Wow.

Everything.

I mean,

I,

I think I started this mantra,

This,

This shift,

I made this shift.

I want to say it was like a November of like 2022.

And in January of 2023,

I met my now longtime boyfriend,

Which I was shocked.

I mean,

Yes,

Of course it was kind of the point,

Right.

Like finding somebody worthy of me spending time with,

But it happened fast.

It happened really,

Really fast.

I was shocked and I know without a doubt that it was that energy shift.

A hundred percent.

Like as I listened to you and I've known you for so long,

You would definitely,

There was a big shift there.

So for someone listening,

And again,

This is not,

First of all,

There are a couple of points I want to make.

This is not just for women dating men.

This can be women dating women,

Men dating men,

Men dating men.

It doesn't matter.

This is not exclusive just to women dating men.

And I really don't want people to walk away thinking,

Well,

That's horrible Sonia,

What you did,

You know,

You were dating so many men at one time you were not sleeping around.

You were basically doing job interviews,

Which is a great way to set this up.

And you're just having coffee.

Like you said,

You're not sleeping with every single person and sharing things and hoping that you're just showing up,

Truly getting to know people for a date or two or three and then moving on.

Like that's what dating is.

I think even,

You know,

I had my guilt about that because it was like,

Oh my gosh,

What is this going to look like to people?

But that's what dating is.

Dating involves going out with different people to get to know people,

To then like narrow it down.

Dating is not dating one person for six,

12 months,

Three years,

And then discovering,

Oh,

This,

This was not the right one at all.

Like that's long-term relationship.

And I feel that many of us want to start this dating relationship with like,

I got one,

Maybe this is the one I'm going to hang on to.

And I know because I've done that.

So,

And it didn't lead to,

To very good places.

So this was just a different approach.

Yeah.

So many personal friends of mine that I've known over the years,

They've,

They've said to me,

I feel,

And the word that they've used is desperate.

Like I'm just desperate to meet someone.

I really want to meet someone.

And I know that I'm not saying they are desperate.

They told me that that's how they felt in confidence,

Of course.

And,

And no judgment.

I mean,

I,

I,

I would listen to them and go,

Gosh,

I get it.

But what I noticed and just listening to you is that there was this external focus.

Like if I could find that right person,

I will then feel complete.

Right.

And it was more about,

I just got to sort for this perfect person out there and they didn't do,

I wish I had this conversation with you years ago when I was with these beautiful friends of mine,

Because I think it would have shifted them.

It to make it this self focus,

Not from a selfish way,

But from gosh,

What,

What would I like?

What would be fun for me?

Yeah,

Absolutely.

Yeah.

I definitely shifted that,

That focus and it completely up-leveled my own self worth.

And it just,

It took going through that experience to,

To see that.

And so,

And I,

And I feel that that has made a shift and a change,

Not just in,

You know,

My,

My relationship,

Like my dating life,

Like now I,

I have this longtime boyfriend and,

And we have a great relationship.

It's very different than anything I've ever experienced.

And I think it's because I,

You know,

My self worth is,

Is in a different level and it applies,

It leaks into every area of my life.

In a good way.

It's leaking.

Tell us about that.

And then I want to touch on how we take these concepts and apply it into committed relationships that we've been in.

But I want to hear about what you're saying,

Because this is an important part of this.

Yeah.

You know,

A big part of it for me has always been,

You know,

Like,

Like what you preach on your podcast and in your programs,

Because I work with you.

So I see all,

All you,

You know,

I have inside access to all your programs and everything you run and your coaching and all that.

You always say you got to do your work.

And so it's,

It's that it's like,

I just continue to do the work.

And this,

This has leaked into,

Like I said,

It's leaked into my work.

I just leave in like the level of clients that I attracted.

It was even like getting back in touch with you and starting to work with you.

That's been an amazing opportunity and,

You know,

A beautiful working relationship that we have.

And so it's definitely leaked into all other areas of my life.

My friendships,

My relationships,

Even with my siblings,

I feel is different,

Even though they might not see it.

And we have not had that conversation,

But I feel that I feel it.

It's all different.

I know myself,

I hold myself at a different standard,

You know,

And,

And,

And decide when to engage in what or not,

You know,

Am I going to engage in this family drama and make it worse?

Or am I going to,

You know,

Step aside,

Not to say that I'm perfect because there's definitely,

You know,

The universe is always throwing,

You know,

Like,

Are you really,

Are you really going to do that or not?

You know,

Here's the test,

You know?

So definitely,

Definitely like the two other areas.

Yeah.

So if someone's listening,

How do they pivot?

Like,

How would someone pivot?

How do they do that?

For me,

It was just like making that choice of how can I make this fun for me?

How can I make this,

How can I shift the focus internally?

First of all,

Who do I need to become?

Oh,

I'm glad you said that,

Because this was the first step because I was like,

If I am,

You know,

And I did the list,

The list of not just the list of places I want to go to,

But the list of things that I was looking for in a man.

And then I said,

Well,

If this is what I'm asking of them,

Am I that,

Am I that for them?

So before I could be,

Have that,

I felt like I needed to become that person.

Whatever the qualities were,

The ideal qualities that I was looking for,

Then I turned it inward.

I said,

Is that me?

Am I really manicured?

And I don't mean manicured like my hands,

Although that's a big part for me.

But is my hair done?

Is my makeup done?

Do I feel good?

Do I feel attractive?

If I want a man that takes care of himself,

Am I taking care of myself?

Am I looking my best,

Putting my best foot forward?

Am I showing a grounded personality?

Am I doing the work?

Am I working on myself?

You know,

Like I wanted these things in a man.

So it was like,

Is that what I'm doing?

So I just really focused on becoming that person that I was attracting just in the opposite sex.

But you know,

Like,

Am I that person?

So I became the person that I wanted to attract first.

And that's where the dressing up and doing my hair and the pretty clothes came in for me because it's like,

Well,

This is a version of who I'm trying to attract so I have to become that first.

So that's where I would start.

That is so good.

The internal work.

Yeah.

We've got to be willing to look in the mirror metaphor,

Like again,

Metaphorically,

Like look in the mirror and say,

Ask ourselves some questions.

So for those of you that are in a relationship now that you want to change,

You might not be happy with it.

You want a different kind of relationship.

I wrote down some of the things that you said all the way through when you described your process.

Number one,

You said,

I choose myself.

And again,

You know,

And you,

You've,

You've been in two long-term relationships,

One with your husband,

One with your second,

The guy you dated for eight years after your husband,

As you well know,

When we get into long-term relationships,

Not everybody,

But many of us get into,

It just becomes so familiar.

It's like an old pair of slippers and a lot of times we might even self abandon or betray ourselves and we make it all about the other person or make it about the kids.

We start losing ourselves.

We don't really care what we're wearing.

We,

We,

Like we let it go when we haven't spent time with our partner.

We just say,

I'll just do it next week or I'll do it tomorrow.

Or it's all,

You know,

Our focus becomes again out there instead of staying within self.

And I like that you said,

I choose myself from outfits to places.

You took pictures of yourself to celebrate you.

So someone can start right there.

Are you choosing yourself?

And no,

Let me just say it.

That's not selfish.

It's self-loving to say to yourself,

Gosh,

What would I like to do?

Like make your own list.

I don't care if you're in a relationship for 30 years,

20 years,

10 years,

Five years,

Where do you want to go to dinner?

What would be fun for you to do?

Do you want to go to concerts,

Museums,

Go have a picnic,

Go walk by the lake.

What do you want to do?

Make a list.

And then you make it happen.

Then you start dating.

I still date Graham.

We've been married.

Oh my God.

20,

I always forget 29 years or something,

But date him,

Date your partner.

Start now.

You can change your relationship,

Make it fun again.

You know,

If we had a snow day just recently and I came,

I was like,

I gotta get warm.

I'm cold.

So I had like my,

The oldest sweatpants,

I had like 30 year old sweatpants,

But they're so cozy.

And then I had on my sweatshirt that does not match the sweatpants at all.

And my hair was in a bun and I walked downstairs.

I go,

Boy,

Do I look rough?

And I said,

You know,

I'm going to go back upstairs and just at least change my sweatshirt.

Cause everyone in this house,

My son and my husband have to look at me,

But it's even those little tiny things like that.

If I'm home alone,

It's one thing.

But I mean,

These sweatpants are like three,

They're my son's old sweatpants.

So they're like way too big on me.

They drag.

But anyway,

But it's little things like that.

Now that I'm more conscious of because my husband's looking at me like,

And if I'm dating him,

Would I be wearing that outfit?

Once in a while?

Yes.

But I'm like,

Well,

You know what?

No,

I don't want to do that.

The second thing you said was again,

Going back to self-focus,

Ask yourself questions,

Getting to know you said,

I want to,

I want to do the mantra so you can get to know that person and ask them questions.

I remember Graham and I,

I mean,

We've gone through several rounds over the years of,

I love doing marriage intensives,

Marriage work,

Marriage coaching,

Marriage counseling.

And one of the people that we worked with many years ago said,

Oh,

Just go out and start dating them him.

And you can pull up questions on,

Now we have AI back then we didn't,

But questions that you can ask each other,

Like while you're out on a dinner date that have nothing to do with the children,

The household or politics or religion,

Like ask them questions.

You may not know.

Did you do that?

Yes.

I have a great little tip.

There is,

And I forget what it's called now,

But they have like four categories of questions.

One is one categories about your relationship.

What is about them and how they grew up.

And so it's got like four or five different categories.

And so we pulled cards from there once in a while and just ask each other these questions.

And they're very thought provoking.

They're they're questions I would have never asked for.

So it's just kind of a fun little game.

Sometimes when I cook dinner,

I'm like,

Today's the day,

Honey,

Make you talk.

That's exciting.

Whether you're dating or whether you're in a relationship long-term,

It keeps things exciting and interesting.

You deepen your relationship with someone like this.

I don't care how long you've been with somebody.

I don't know.

I've been with Graham 29,

Well,

30 years of you include our dating time,

But I certainly don't know everything about him.

Yeah,

I do not.

I do not.

So I know the cards you're talking about.

We have a deck of those cards and we would take them and yeah,

They're great.

The other thing you mentioned was your attachment style.

You've got to learn your attachment style.

I will drop in the show notes.

I've done several episodes on figuring out your attachment style,

How you work with different attachment cells.

I will drop those podcasts below in the show notes.

So if you don't know anything about attachment,

You've got to learn what your attachment style is because it will teach you then how to show up or how you are showing up in relationships with others.

Are you self abandoning?

Are you putting all your eggs in the basket of the person that's sitting across from you?

And again,

In abandoning what your needs are,

Not noticing the red flags all over the place.

Anything else you want to say about that as far as attachment style?

Well,

It's interesting because I didn't really understand attachment styles until last year.

And that really helped me understand our relationship and what,

Well,

First of all,

What my attachment style is or was.

And what our attachment style is together.

And so that was really,

Really helpful for me to see that and why,

Why we work so well together.

So which was really interesting and it helped me understand why attracted the other relationships as well.

But as I grew and did my own personal work,

I was able to,

You know,

And I don't know that what all the science is behind this or the psychology is behind it,

But I feel like I was able to,

To kind of grow in that attachment style or,

Or I don't know what you even call it,

Like kind of let go of that.

Like I started morphing more into a little bit more of a secure style.

And I don't know,

Like I said,

I don't understand that all the psychology behind that,

But I saw how I was as I grew and I did my personal work,

My attachment style started shifting a little bit too.

Oh gosh.

Yes.

That personal work is key.

Again,

We are the common denominator in all relationships.

So if we want that person outside of us to change,

It sounds counterintuitive,

But we've got to look inside at ourselves because we,

If we remember we've created or attracted that person in our lives to reflect back to us what our stuff is.

So if you don't set good boundaries,

If you're someone that gets walked on,

It's not that that person is being mean or they need to,

I'm just giving one example or they need to change.

And yes,

They do need to change.

But the way they change is that we inside get strong.

We build,

Like Sonia was saying,

Build self worth so we can speak up.

And then that person out there either changes,

Goes away or treats us differently.

Like something changes with them because we just don't allow it energetically.

We are different.

So they cannot energetically show up in the same way.

It just can't happen.

It's law.

It's like gravity.

It's law.

Yeah.

100% Yeah.

And then the last thing you talked about was,

Um,

You know,

Really up leveling yourself.

And you kind of talked about that in the beginning too,

But,

But everything started up leveling for you and you had so much fun with you and yourself and,

And the relationship started,

Everything just started changing because of,

Again,

We're looking at law of attraction.

We're looking at,

I'm just manifesting different people that are showing up because you internally up level,

You celebrated yourself,

You chose great things for yourself.

Is there anything else?

I mean,

Again,

That process,

Because again,

It led to self worth.

Anything else you want to say about that though?

About the process of like up leveling.

I like my manifestation process,

You know,

You know,

For me it's,

It was,

You know,

Like as,

As things started kind of up leveling,

I was really intentionally manifesting different circumstances,

A different life,

Different opportunities in the work that I was doing,

Like all of that.

And so it was all part of that process.

And for me it was first becoming clear on what I wanted.

And for me it's not like becoming super detailed on this,

Like very detailed list of what that all includes.

For some people it is,

For me it's not.

But most importantly,

It was embodying that feeling of what that would feel like to have that relationship,

To have fun dating,

To have a longterm relationship,

To have the opportunities for work,

To have the travel that I've manifested.

Like what was that feeling going to be like?

And so I started embodying that in advance of it actually happening.

So envisioning,

You know,

Doing journaling,

Doing meditation and just bringing in that feeling and embodying who is that person that,

You know,

Am I going to continue to,

Like you said,

Wear my sweatpants and my bun to go out to the grocery store?

You know,

What am I going to dress like,

Look like,

Feel like,

How am I going to show up in my relationships in my daily life?

And when I go out,

What is that going to be like?

How am I going to dress?

How am I going to talk and become that before it actually happened?

And so then I felt like that became easier to call that in.

But then also that combined with doing my own work,

Doing my own,

You know,

Parts work and,

You know,

Working on my triggers and what I,

This is what I call I'm blocking.

You know,

I'm blocking what is keeping me from manifesting the things that I'm trying to bring in.

It's,

It's that I'm blocking piece of,

Which is doing the work,

You know,

It's just working on that trigger.

For me,

That's a block,

You know,

Or working on on a part that keeps sabotaging or the inner critic.

To me,

Those are each blocks that are keeping,

That are blocking what I'm trying to manifest.

So,

So I started doing the unblocking,

Which is doing the work,

Working on the parts,

The triggers,

The boundaries,

All that work that you teach.

So it was doing that and yeah,

It was,

It was kind of a little bit of a process and I still do it.

Me too.

It's amazing.

The more work I do,

It's like,

Oh,

There's another one.

There's more.

Yeah.

That's beautiful.

Thank you so much.

What a beautiful process.

So just a couple more questions.

So what would be,

Well,

Let me ask you this,

Because some people might be going,

Is this ethical and what you're doing this with this way of dating?

So what do you say about that?

You know,

I go back to,

You know,

That's what dating is.

You know,

Dating is meeting different people,

You know,

And just to get to know people,

You know,

It's like I'm not going to just have one friend.

I'm not going to just have you as a friend.

I'm going to have several friends.

And then if somebody is a little too wacky,

A little too crazy,

A little too out there for me,

You know,

Or they just don't feel healthy,

Then I'm not,

I'm not going to be friends with them.

I'm going to get another friend.

It's not like I was in deep relationships with these people.

I was not in a relationship with any of these people.

I was just meeting them,

Going out to lunch,

Going out on dates,

You know,

Going to a movie,

Going to a museum.

I wasn't in a relationship with them.

I wasn't going to bed with them.

I wasn't even kissing them.

So,

Yeah.

It was a job interview.

Like,

It was really like you guys were interviewing each other,

Which that's how,

That's what dating is all about,

To get to know each other.

Like,

We shouldn't,

In my opinion,

I always felt from the time I was very young,

You know,

Even my mom said,

Go out with different people.

Like,

Don't just like look at one and think this,

This is it.

This is the one.

Like,

Go out and meet different people so you know what's out there.

And then you can narrow it down.

And for me,

It became about,

You know,

This is what I tell,

I would tell my friends,

I don't want to just be chosen.

You know,

I don't want to just sit here and just wait for somebody to choose me.

I want to do the choosing,

You know.

Like,

First of all,

I choose me.

And then I want to choose what's the best in the bunch,

You know.

Like,

Why can't I do the choosing,

You know.

So that kind of the,

I think that's kind of what got me there,

Is like,

I didn't want to feel like the old school way of what I thought was usually how most people grow up or most women grow up.

It's like,

Oh,

Is he going to choose me kind of a thing.

And it was more of,

I want to do the choosing.

Yeah.

I would choose me,

And then I want to choose who I want to spend the rest of my life with.

I don't want to just choose someone because he's the only person that looked at me or the first person that looked at me and asked me out.

And okay,

That's fine.

That's fine.

I'll just,

Oh,

It's a little red flag.

Oh,

It's just a little one.

Let me just,

It's all right.

It's all right.

No,

Because then it became very easy and glaring for me to say,

Wait a minute.

There's these three candidates.

Like a role,

Like a job role,

Right?

Yeah,

That's what it reminds me of.

Yeah,

For sure.

Which one is the best one?

And is this best one really,

Really that great?

Or do I keep going?

And I didn't find that in my online dating.

I actually ended up meeting somebody in person through friends,

And it just happened beautifully.

And I think it's because of that process.

And I was,

By the time I met him,

Then I had already seen a good number of candidates and I was able to see the quality of who he really was,

Beautiful person that he really was.

But again,

You attracted him in in the perfect amount of time,

Whether you're on an app or not,

You wouldn't have met him unless you were ready to meet him.

Right.

No.

Because he had been in your circle of friends for a long time,

Wasn't he?

It's so funny.

He was.

He was in my circle.

He was,

Yeah.

He was in my circle of friends.

And we just like never ended up in the same space,

But we were always kind of like orbiting each other.

For years.

For years.

For years.

I mean,

Geographically,

You know,

Friends are the things that we participated in.

We were always circling each other,

But we had never met until that moment.

And the way that even happened was just the universe working miracles,

To be honest with you.

Exactly.

But you were ready to meet him.

Vibrationally,

You had to be in that space.

You guys could even come together.

Right.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

What are the three rules you'd give someone who wants to try this kind of dating?

Declare what your own boundaries are.

For me,

You know,

I,

You know,

I wasn't going to go out and be like kissing and sleeping with people.

Like I know what I feel comfortable with and what I don't.

And so set those boundaries.

And I think that at our age,

Most of us do kind of already have those boundaries in place,

But I think that there's still tends to be pressure.

There's a lot of not nice men out there and there's a lot of really great men out there too.

Yeah.

Okay.

I do.

You know what?

That would be rule number two.

Know that there are great men out there.

Yeah.

There are.

There really are.

I met a lot of really great friends or a lot of really great men through this process.

I still remain friends with some of these men that I,

That I dated that I just did not.

Have a love connection.

Yeah.

Like you either have it or you don't.

Yeah.

Right.

We just did not have that,

But they were great people.

And so I still have,

I'm friends with them and they're great men.

So know that there are great men out there,

But we have to be that great woman too.

Right?

Like,

So,

So there's that.

What would be a rule number three?

Really tap into your inner child.

Tap into the inner child and see what,

Tap into the fun,

That fun energy of that inner child.

I think I did a lot of inner child around this time period.

I love a lot of inner child work around this time period as well to like tap into that playfulness and just really remember the things that I really love to do.

I used to love dress up and love drawing like fashion models and things like that.

It was really cute.

So I tapped into that energy of,

You know,

Dressing up,

You know,

Getting these beautiful dresses,

You know,

These beautiful designer dresses.

And so make it fun,

Tap into that inner child and the things that you used to love to do.

Bring out that,

That playfulness.

I love it.

How,

How long would you recommend that someone stays with this mantorage dating if they're getting it now?

Is it like two or three days or,

I mean,

Oh,

You mean to like date the same man?

Yeah.

Like how long until you say,

Okay,

You know what?

I think we're,

I'm going to move on.

Or I think this is,

This one is worth the time.

That's a great question.

For me,

It was,

If,

If,

And I never reached that point because,

You know,

I met my person so quickly,

But for me,

I think I was kind of putting that cap at around three months.

Like if we were still just kind of date here,

Date there.

In fact,

That's what one of my good friends,

That's why we're still good friends.

Cause we reached that three month point and I just didn't feel like it's chemistry was kind of really happening.

You know,

It's like,

I got to know him and he was really great and it was a lot of fun.

And we took it a lot of fun things.

You know,

Went out to LA and museums and fun dates and fun restaurants,

But it just,

I just wasn't feeling the butterflies.

He just felt more like a brother.

Yeah.

And so it was about three months and that was like,

Okay,

This it's just not,

It's not happening.

I couldn't even come around to kissing him,

You know?

So at three months I feel like,

Okay,

A kiss is fine.

Yeah,

For sure.

I was going to say maybe at the end of one month,

It depends on how often you're dating him.

Is it like once a month?

Is it?

On you and yourself and your own values.

But for me,

It's just like,

Okay,

By three months,

If I can't,

I can't feel like I can't kiss the guy.

Then maybe it's,

It's just not happening.

Yeah.

And so I,

I,

I ended that quote,

Quote unquote dating relationship,

But we're still friends.

Yeah.

This day.

See,

That's beautiful.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so,

And I think if I'm going to add one more thing,

I think what this really did for me is it removed that feeling of lack.

It removed a frequency of lack.

And I know that in manifestation,

There's always this like cast your manifestation and then let go.

Really?

And that's what that did to me.

It released the attachment to that one date being successful,

Because I knew there was more.

Yeah.

There was more we're lacking from.

Yeah.

And a lot of it.

That is full of men.

And I knew I could just go right back on there and place another order.

It's just like placing your order to the universe.

There was,

There's plenty.

Yeah.

Out there.

Many men,

Plenty of clients,

Plenty of trips,

Plenty of money,

Plenty of health.

Everything.

Everything.

There's an abundance.

So when I removed that lack,

That,

That made a huge shift in,

In this,

You know,

Manifestation process for me.

So that,

That was,

That was huge.

And I didn't want to point that out because I know that that is something that we talk a lot about in the manifestation world is like releasing attachment of how and where and who and the outcome and going into every single activity or every single date or every single consultation call with a client or whatever it is going into it without the attachment of this has to work.

You know,

This has to be it because there's more,

There's more coming anyway.

Yeah,

For sure.

That's such a big concept too.

I have a friend right now who for years she's like,

Nope,

There aren't any good.

There aren't any good ones out there.

That's all she talks about.

And of course,

Guess what?

Her friends say the same thing.

So guess what?

She's not able to find anyone.

And I keep saying to her,

I'm like,

If you keep that belief,

You will never find anyone.

She's like,

Well,

I'd like someone,

But there aren't any good,

Good ones out there.

And I said,

You're shooting yourself in the foot with that statement.

So shift that belief.

Or the other one I hear from people that are married or in longterm relationships,

They'll say something like my husband will never change.

My partner is his,

They are who they are and they're never going to change.

I'm like,

Then they're not like,

Then you're right.

Then you're right.

It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So what is your belief?

Your belief inside of you is creating your external reality.

Hands down.

A hundred percent.

One hundred percent.

Yeah.

If that's what you believe,

That's what you're going to call in.

Absolutely.

That's the way the brain is programmed to work.

It's programmed to look for proof of what you are feeding it.

Absolutely.

So if you're feeding it,

That there's no good men out there,

That's exactly what you're calling in.

You're right.

Yeah.

That's what you're going to find.

So good.

Oh,

Sonia.

Is there anything else,

Anything else to add to this?

This is a great conversation.

Thank you.

No,

I think we've,

We've pretty much covered it.

I think if there's any one more thing that I'd like to add,

I can keep talking forever.

So I'll make this the last one is it's about changing that belief.

It's about changing what you're feeding.

Your brain is,

You know,

If,

If I like to say it this way,

You know,

What if it doesn't work out?

You know,

What if this goes wrong?

What if there are no men out there,

But what if there are,

What if it does all work out?

What if it really is great?

What if there really are all these great men or great fill in the blank out there.

And so like flipping the switch,

Try it for a month and just see what happens.

Yeah.

You have to be open.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thanks so much for being here and sharing all this with us today.

Thank you.

So I hope this inspires people.

Yeah.

Again,

I really hope it inspires anyone,

No matter what.

Man,

Woman,

I don't care.

Relationship,

Not relationship dating.

These are great ideas to help you to improve any relationship that you are in,

Because guess what?

It all has to do with our,

Just has to do with us.

Right.

Absolutely.