The Adult Chair: Repairing Relationships With Our Kids (Or Anyone)

Hello,

Everybody,

And welcome to the Adult Share.

I am Michelle Schelfont.

Well,

I have been asked this question repeatedly,

Gosh,

Over the last month or so.

It seems like these questions keep coming in and I'm watching it on social media as well as even in my office.

People are asking me what they can do when they feel like they have ruined their kids' lives and they wonder,

Can I fix it?

So they're saying to me,

I've ruined my kid's life,

Can I fix this?

I don't know what to do.

I'm at my wits end,

I'm at a loss,

I'm defeated,

What do I do?

I feel like I've ruined my child's life.

So I'm going to be offering you some ideas about how we can repair the relationship with our children or our kids or our adult kids.

And really,

Again,

The tips I'm going to offer you can be applied to just about anybody,

Not just our kids.

But I'm going to be offering you some really good ideas,

I feel like,

From the Adult Share model on how we can repair the relationship and also help our kids do their own healing and transforming in their own lives.

So lots of good stuff coming your way.

Before we get started,

You can find out more about the show at theadultshare.

Com.

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The news,

This,

I can't believe we're in the end of November already.

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North Carolina,

January 26th and 27th.

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I'm doing this workshop in the coolest place.

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And there is no hotel attached.

So I have found numerous hotels.

They're all on my website.

There's one that's within a mile away.

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So you can find all that out online on the workshop page.

So to get more information on the workshop,

Go to theadultchair.

Com forward slash workshop.

And there you have all of the information.

And you can,

Again,

Grab that $100 off and find out about hotels,

Et cetera.

So come join us.

So again,

I've been asked this question and I realize it's not so uncommon to feel this way to think that we have ruined our kids' lives.

I am guilty of that myself.

And I wouldn't go so far as to say I've ruined their lives,

But I've had the thought,

If only I'd done this or maybe if I had done that,

So this one would have gotten a scholarship for this sport or this one would have done this.

Instead,

If I had only pushed them harder,

If only,

Et cetera,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

And I've had,

Again,

People writing in about other things like I was an alcoholic or I was whatever it is.

We're taking a lot of responsibility for our children because we see our children as a reflection of us remember.

So if the kid turns out to be selfish or depressed or anxious or mean or not polite,

Whatever,

As parents,

We typically blame ourselves or oftentimes we do blame ourselves.

And I've worked with clients that had children and the clients have spent even many years depressed or anxious or angry or had affairs or addicted to something.

And they have come in and just said,

I know that I ruined my kid's life and I'm doomed.

What can I do?

They're going to be dysfunctional in the world,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

And we don't really know how our kids turn out.

If it's because of us or because of a million circumstances,

Is it in their DNA?

Certainly,

Yes,

We do participate in the raising of our children and we do help frame them to be the humans that they are today.

But I also feel like we take a heck of a lot of responsibility and sometimes all of it when perhaps there are other things at play.

However,

When we grow up in homes that are unstable,

It absolutely does affect our children and they become adults and sometimes there's dysfunction a little or a lot.

So that's what I'm going to talk with you about today.

People ask me all the time,

How do I make sure that my kids are going to land in their adult chair when they're older?

What do I need to do now?

Even when the children are very young,

Toddlers or they're teenagers or people get so scared that they have hurt their children because they're just realizing that they are not an adult and their children are now teenagers and have they ruined their kids' lives?

No.

The best thing that we can do,

I say this all the time,

Is for us as parents to live in our adult chair because what we do as parents is model for our children how to exist in the world.

So when you work on and with yourself to become as healthy as you can be,

You are demonstrating for your kids how to be healthy in the world.

Now,

It's not to say you don't sit with your kids and say,

Put your napkin on your lap at dinner or chew with your mouth closed.

That's fine.

But again,

If you're doing it,

Chances are your kids are going to see you.

But it's not to say you don't still correct children and kids.

But really from an emotional perspective,

We really want to make sure that we're being as healthy as we can.

And remember,

We are always evolving and growing and changing.

So even if you didn't have it perfect when they were young and they're now teenagers,

It's never too late to start.

So start now.

I don't care if they're in their 20s or 30s,

Start now.

Nobody gets it perfect.

Hear me clearly when I say that.

There is no perfection.

It's an ongoing life journey.

That's what being human is all about.

Being human is all about experience,

Learning,

Growing,

Contrast,

Making new choices,

Learning and growing again.

So I can't tell you the number of people that have come into me and said,

I know that so and so has the most perfect life.

They've got a husband or a wife and the children are perfect and they're all going to this college and this and that,

That,

That,

That,

That,

That,

And I'll say,

How do you know?

Like,

You really know these people on a personal level and they'll say,

Well,

I see them on Facebook or I see them on social media.

Well,

I just want to say I'm calling that bullshit because I know in my own life,

In my family's and in my personal family,

In clients and friends,

Nobody has this perfect life out there.

Nobody.

Everyone's dealing with something that's part of being human.

Every human being has something going on.

Again,

Some of us have more things going on than others,

But everybody's got something going on in their family.

If they're not talking about it,

Then they're in avoidance.

You know,

I work with people that say,

I've had couples come in many times that say,

We've never had a fight and we've been married for 40 years or we've been married for 20 years.

We've never had a fight.

There's something wrong with that.

I'm sorry,

There's something wrong with that.

That means there's probably avoidance going on because no two humans are exactly like and no two humans are going to agree on every single thing.

So we have stuff to work on.

We're just human and that's okay.

So the best way to help our kids again,

Regardless of the age is to show up as being as healthy as we can be from our own adult chair.

So we show our kids,

Okay,

Because the kids are watching and absorbing everything we are doing.

So what does it mean to model for your kids to live in your healthy adult?

Here are just a few ideas.

Live in the moment,

Live with presence and be the best you can be in the moment.

What that might look like is if you're feeling really angry,

Walk away.

If you feel like you want to react to your kid because they're talking back to you,

Walk away.

So be the best you can be in the moment.

That's one tiny example,

But really you want to live in the moment.

Find that joy with your child in the moment.

There are sometimes I know with my own son and he'll say,

Mom,

Do you want to do such and such?

I'm in the middle of something and I'll realize like,

Am I choosing my work over my kid?

This is a moment of bonding with my kid.

Let me be really present about this.

Wait a minute.

He only wants me for 20 minutes and I'll be like,

You know what?

I'm going to walk away from the work I'm doing right now and I'm going to go do whatever he wants me to do.

So it's really living with presence in the moment and just be the best you can be.

Another quality of the adult chair is remember to live with fact and truth and stay out of story and assumption.

I will hear people say things like,

Well,

If I don't do this with my kid,

That's going to happen.

How the hell do we know?

We don't know what's going to happen in the future.

Again,

I'm not saying not to encourage your kids,

But sometimes we put a lot of pressure on our kids and among other things,

But live in the moment with fact and truth.

What do we know that's a hundred percent truth or fact right now in this very moment?

Because most of us live in story and assumption about what we think may or may not happen in the future.

Another quality of the adult chair is to have compassion for yourself and others and to be easy on yourself.

Be easy on yourself.

This is a biggie.

Number four is setting boundaries for yourself and your children.

This is such a hard one for many of us.

It's about learning how to speak up yourself,

Demonstrate this for your kids.

How do I do this?

Again,

I don't care how old your kids are.

I don't care if your kids are in their twenties.

If you've never learned how to set boundaries for yourself,

Do it now.

How does your husband,

Your wife,

Your whomever talk to you in your family?

How does your mother talk to you?

Do you stand up for yourself?

That's what setting boundaries are.

Boundaries teach others how we want to be treated.

A boundary is something as simple as saying no,

Or this is not okay with me.

I love that one.

I say that to my clients quite a bit.

This is not okay with me.

Period.

That's a boundary.

So if you don't know what to say,

Say that.

If something feels uncomfortable,

Like you're being violated in some way,

This is not okay with me.

You don't talk to me like this.

This is not okay.

Another aspect of the adult chair that's important is to really remember to witness your thoughts and don't act on what's running through your mind.

We have a tendency to do that.

We have a thought that flies in and we react and act on it immediately.

Pause.

That's adults.

Pause and get clear.

Hold on.

Am I in my story and assumption based on this thought?

I am.

Let me take a step back and wait,

Adult.

Wait until I find my truth.

So we want to learn how to respond versus react is number six.

Watching triggers.

Like I said,

The first one,

Don't explode,

Walk away,

Get centered and then speak up.

To your kids or anyone,

Show your kids how to respond appropriately.

Show your kids.

Sometimes when my husband says things to me,

My old Michelle might've reacted and said,

Whatever.

And now I've learned to be quiet and I'll say,

Hold on,

That does not feel right to me.

Please don't say that again.

And I'll do that now,

Which is very different than when I used to react.

Responding is very different from reacting.

Responding is mindful.

It's setting a boundary.

Now doesn't mean remember we're all airy fairy.

It just means we are clear and centered and we speak with a boundary.

Learning to feel your emotions and stop shoving them down.

Get to know what you are feeling.

Very much something we do in the adult chair.

We're connected to the inner child and we are letting these emotions pass through us.

Do this again,

If you want to help your children,

Do this for your children.

But here's the difference.

What if we feel like we damaged our relationship with our kids?

So if you raised your kids,

Let's say with an unhealthy,

Let's say mental illness that's untreated or there was abuse in the house or neglect or addiction in the home,

Et cetera,

It does affect our kids.

But the question is how much we don't know.

We really have no idea.

We don't know what was in their DNA.

We don't know.

But we know from research that it does affect our children if they are on the receiving end of things like this.

So the question is,

Again,

What do we do about it now?

I have a client right now.

Her name's,

I'm just going to call her Marta.

And she was depressed and she got married and had kids.

And by the second child was born,

She was in bed most of the time.

Like within that first year of that second one being born,

She could barely get out of bed and take care of her second child or her first child.

Her husband traveled and she was checked out and her little six-year-old daughter had to take care of not only her,

But this little baby.

So that daughter became a parent at a very,

Very young age.

And now her kids are teenagers.

In fact,

I believe they're 20 and 15.

And in the last few years,

Marta was able to get healthier.

And she's now,

Of course,

Riddled with guilt and blame and self-hatred over what she did to her kids.

And her daughters and she,

They don't really have a great relationship,

If any,

Because she has so much guilt.

She doesn't even know how to interact with them because they had to basically raise themselves.

And now her kids have anxiety and low self-esteem because again,

Their father wasn't around.

He traveled almost every week with his job.

So the kids were left with a mother that was depressed in bed and couldn't really function.

And when she did function,

It was just really,

Really unhealthy.

So I think her older daughter was the one that also got involved with drugs and alcohol in high school.

She was trying to numb her pain,

Of course.

So I remember when this client,

Marta,

Came in and through her tears,

She said to me,

I think I've ruined my kids forever,

They're damaged.

What can I do?

Is there anything I can do to fix this?

So we talked a lot about how she can now live in her adult chair.

And I said,

The way again to help your girls is to get healthy for yourself and find your healthy adult.

But there are also some things that you can do to start to repair this relationship and demonstrate for your daughters how to be healthy now.

I don't care if they're 15 and 20,

Let's help them get healthy now by you demonstrating how to do that.

So I'm going to offer you guys some healing and transforming steps that we can do with relationships,

Again,

With kids,

But with anybody.

So what we want to do,

And she actually did this with her girls.

It was really a beautiful thing.

I'm going to offer you some steps right now.

So the first thing that we want to do,

If we're trying to repair a relationship,

Again,

And model how to be healthy,

This is what a healthy adult would do if we feel like we have hurt someone in relationship or damaged a relationship or again,

Caused our children to really have some dysfunction because of us.

Number one,

Invite them into a meeting.

So we want to say,

Okay,

And I did this with Marta.

I said,

Let's ask your girls,

I'd like to speak with you.

There's some things I'd like to share.

Do you have any time this week or do you have any time today that you could give me 15 to 20 minutes or 30 minutes?

So you're doing this setup and you're inviting them into a meeting.

And some people have said to me,

No,

How young can I do this with my kids?

How young is too young?

And I really feel like you can modify even when they're younger.

But by the time they're teenagers,

They're starting to get this more and more.

But if they're younger than teenagers,

You can still do the same kind of thing and explain to them a lot of the concepts I'm going to give you right now.

But again,

You're going to have to modify it versus how you would talk to an adult or teenager or older.

Okay.

So the second thing we want to do,

So let's say,

Okay,

So with Marta,

Her girl said,

Yes,

We can talk later today.

And when we talk,

We want to make sure we invite everybody to put their phones down and we're in a quiet space where we're not going to get interrupted.

So whether that's inside,

Outside at a coffee house,

I don't care where you are when you have your conversation or your meeting with your daughter or son or whomever,

But you just want it to be in a quiet space where there's not going to be any interruptions.

And I think it's better to do it in a place where you can really have an open conversation and you're not going to be embarrassed or that someone else is going to hear you.

So it's best to do it in a place where you're not going to be heard by others.

So the second thing we want to do is own it.

And I just did a podcast on this.

It's about owning your reality and taking responsibility of your life.

So something that Marta might say to her daughter,

Her daughters would be,

You know,

I want you to know that since I was a teenager,

I was depressed.

I had bouts of depression as a teen and then in my twenties,

It was a daily sort of occurrence.

So I used alcohol and boyfriends to numb my pain.

I met your father and we married.

And once we were married,

I began getting depressed and I felt worse and I felt like a baby might help me.

And it didn't help.

In fact,

It made me feel worse.

It made me feel more overwhelmed and more depressed because I beat up on myself about being a great parent or not being a great parent to the point where I could barely get out of bed.

And then I had another child and it just kept getting worse.

And I understand now what I was doing as I look back,

But I take full responsibility.

That's very powerful to own our reality,

Not just for ourselves,

But when we're speaking with someone that we feel like we've affected because of our behavior,

To own your reality and take full responsibility is powerful.

It's a powerful message that we're sending that other person.

So the third thing we want to do after we own our reality is to apologize,

Apologize and have a sincere apology.

An apology that says,

I'm sorry you feel that way is not an apology.

An apology is,

I want you to know that I'm so sorry for what I did to you.

Please forgive me.

And then we pause and let that sink in.

An apology is a game changer.

Sometimes that is what people are waiting for.

Just apologize and take ownership for what the heck you did to me for all these years.

This is where the shift can begin in relationships.

Then we have the number four is what I call the mending or the proposal.

So after we've really shared our reality and apologized in our meeting,

We want to offer something that can create change moving forward.

How can we mend this relationship?

This is something like sharing,

I'm healthier now and I can't go back in time,

Which is fact and truth.

But I'd like to work on a relationship now.

Would you be open to this?

Because what I'd like to do is have some kind of relationship with you.

So that's what you're proposing.

You'd like a relationship with that person and then you wait and you listen.

And waiting and listening are powerful aspects of the adult chair because from our adolescent chair,

We don't want to wait.

We want an answer immediately.

We want to know what's coming.

We want to make ourselves feel safe by knowing exactly what's happening and it's okay to wait and we just let there be a pause and we listen.

So your kid,

No matter what the age may be willing to open up right away and welcome you with open arms or they may be furious or angry.

Maybe they have years and years of anger built up.

And here's the thing.

Let them get it out because our goal is to have a clean slate moving forward with the person that you're cleaning the relationship up with.

So if your kid is mad again,

Or you can use this with anybody,

If they're really,

Really upset with you,

They need to get that anger out and they want you to know.

So it's okay.

Let it fly by you.

Listen to what they're saying.

Don't make up a story about what they're saying.

Remember in your mind,

This is years of pent up anger that does need to come out.

They need to share with you maybe how much you hurt them.

It's okay.

Keep in your mind,

Cleaning the slate.

Do not defend yourself.

Even if their accusations are not a hundred percent accurate.

When someone has years of pent up anger or weeks or months,

It gets distorted.

There's a lot of other things that might be tied to that anger.

Just for this session with them,

Just for this meeting,

Let them express it.

The only thing you have to say at the end is thank you for sharing.

I really appreciate it.

And I want you to know again how sorry I am.

So the next step,

Number six is,

So what's our plan moving forward?

Depending on how your child reacts to you or responds to you,

Remember to take things slowly.

You might not be able to jump right into this new relationship.

You are the adult becoming healthy and let the new relationship evolve.

So stay present.

Ask what's the plan.

Can we,

And you got to remember,

It's got to be comfortable for both of you.

Both of you are going to need to come together to form a new relationship.

So what's the plan?

Is it a weekly meeting in a coffee shop?

Is it a weekly dinner?

Is it daily phone calls?

You both have to agree and take it slow because that other person that you are having this conversation with might not be ready to jump right in.

But after a few meetings,

They might be.

After a few engagements,

They want to test the waters and see,

Are you for real?

Have you really changed?

It's okay.

So everything is temporary.

You got to remember that.

Everything is temporary.

If they don't want to jump right into a relationship with you,

They might say,

You know what?

I need some space.

I need a month.

I've got to process this.

Okay.

Okay.

So what do we do if they say something like that?

That's when we have to sit with ourselves,

Sit with the emotions that are coming up.

Journaling is powerful for this.

Write down what's going through your mind.

Write down how it makes you feel.

But we want to stay contained within ourselves.

And if that other person needs a month,

Then they need a month and it's okay.

They may say today that they need a month and then in a week they call you.

Just let that other person have their time.

After you've expressed yourself,

Now it's time to wait.

So some people have said to me that when they've tried something like this with their kids or with another person that that other person says,

You know,

I don't want to ever see you again.

And when it's our kid,

It's really scary and upsetting to hear that.

But remember,

Everything is temporary.

And we can hope that even when our kids say that to us,

That even that's temporary.

So what can we do in the meantime is to stay present.

It's all of the things I originally listed.

Stay present within yourself,

Feel those emotions coming through,

And we want to keep showing up as a healthy adult and give them a different experience and show them that you're different.

Because in their mind,

They're assuming you have not changed.

You are the same person talking empty words because you might've made this promise before.

So experience is what changes people.

We want to give the people the experience of who we are versus say,

No,

No,

I'm different.

I've changed.

That's BS.

Giving someone the experience that you're going to be there and that you're healthier is what is completely changing for that person.

Okay.

That's what shifts that person on the inside.

And that's what causes them to want to reach for you and have a relationship.

I've seen this in the cases of divorce.

Sometimes the other parent in the case of a divorce that's very angry takes it out on their ex and skews the idea of that parent.

The kids become skewed by the angry parent.

So the angry parent is throwing the parent under the bus like,

Oh,

Your mother,

She left me and she's so bad and she's ruined our lives or your father this.

And when the parent is oversharing with a kid,

It's very damaging.

But that kid sometimes pays attention and believes what that parent is saying.

Your father left us because he had an affair with someone else and he'll never be back and he abandoned you and you need to hate him like I do.

And we as parents,

When we overshare with our kids,

It's very damaging for them.

And unfortunately we've got some parents out there that are just not healthy.

I've got clients that I'm working with and their exes are narcissists.

And man,

When you end a relationship with a narcissist,

They go into attack mode and they confide in their kids and make up all kinds of stories about the person that left them.

And sometimes those kids believe them and the parent turns the kids against that other parent and it's devastating.

So what can we do?

I would suggest you do the steps that I just gave you and wait.

And that's what's hard is that we are waiting and knowing we're being thrown under the bus by the other parent,

But it's about waiting and showing up healthy.

Because the hope is that the kid will see you as healthy and realize,

Hold on a second,

My mom or my dad is not unhealthy like my other parent is telling me.

They're actually really healthy.

This doesn't make sense because they're telling me,

My mom is showing up and she's an abuser and she doesn't seem like an abuser to me.

So we want to give the kid a different experience of what the unhealthy parent is saying about us.

Number seven is we want to accept what is and keep living our lives.

And again,

I wish I had a magic pill to turn everything around immediately,

But I don't.

But I know that there's great power and acceptance of what is.

I didn't say you had to like it.

I just did a podcast on this a couple of weeks ago.

We have to accept where things are right now because what I find people do instead is we sit in this space of longing for things to be different.

And it's not to say we don't hope that things change,

But accept that your kids right now are not happy with you.

Or sometimes kids are narcissists and will blame you forever.

Okay,

Now what?

What are we going to do now?

Well,

We have to learn how to engage with them and know that they may turn on us in a heartbeat.

That's hard to accept,

But it's truth.

Or it's hard to accept that our kids are so angry with us,

They can't talk to us right now.

Okay.

So we have to accept where we are right now.

But I find what we do is we fall into that story or assumption or longing for something to change in the future instead of what's happening right now.

When we step out of the moment,

We miss our intuitive hits that may steer us in a different way to help repair that relationship,

The intuition,

And it steers us only from the moment.

So you've got to be back in the moment and accepting where we are right now,

No matter how difficult it is,

Helps us to move into a different space and change our perspective on our whole reality.

But we can't do that unless we're sitting in the moment and accepting where we are.

Okay.

The very last step is number eight is self-forgiveness.

When we are in families and we are the parent that might've been the addict,

Depressed,

Something with mental illness,

Anxiety-stricken,

Whatever it is,

Or made some really bad choices,

Maybe you're the one that had the affair and you feel like you've ruined your family's life lives.

It's about self-forgiveness.

We have to forgive ourselves to set us free so we can move on from our healthy adults.

What I find happens is,

I've seen this with people that they have such a hard time forgiving their old self,

And it really is an old self.

It's not the self that they are today.

It's an old self.

I remember working with a man who was an alcoholic and he did not connect with his wife or kids.

He was a workaholic and an alcoholic,

So he worked all day long and came home at like eight o'clock at night,

And then he would sit and drink and drink and drink.

What he did not do was connect with his family.

In fact,

He was so disconnected and it really hurt.

He had two sons and a daughter and it really hurt the kids,

But also hurt his wife.

Now,

Many years later,

He comes to see me and he's saying,

How do I repair this relationship?

I'm better with my wife,

My kids,

And I don't know what to do.

Again,

I gave him the same steps I just gave you guys,

But also I invited him to forgive himself for who he was all those years ago.

He said he can't.

He said,

I absolutely cannot because I was a bad guy.

I said,

I didn't say you weren't a bad guy.

I said,

It's about forgiving that guy.

He said,

Yeah,

But I can't let myself off the hook.

I said,

It's not about letting you off the hook.

I said,

It's about knowing that that guy that you were 10 plus years ago was living the best,

The life that was the best that he could do in that moment.

He said,

Yeah,

But it wasn't good enough.

This guy had,

Gosh,

A really abusive childhood.

His father was violent.

He would beat up on not only the kids,

But his mother.

Oh my gosh,

This poor kid,

When he was a kid,

He was in so much pain.

He did not know what to do.

So of course,

As he now got older,

He became a workaholics.

We wouldn't have to feel that.

And then an alcoholic.

So again,

He wouldn't have to feel when he was home and not working all the pain that was inside of him.

So this man started doing his own work and started feeling his pain and did his own inner work from his own childhood.

And then he was able to step out of the work addiction and the alcohol addiction and started changing his life.

I said,

You know,

If I'd come up to you 10 years ago and said,

Hey,

You need to stop drinking.

You're ruining your family's life.

I said,

Would you have stopped?

He's like,

No,

Absolutely not.

He said,

My wife used to ask me to stop drinking and stop working so much.

He said,

I couldn't even hear what she was saying.

I said,

Really?

I said,

Why is that?

He said,

Cause I was just in so much pain.

He said,

I had so much baggage from my own childhood.

And that I had not dealt with yet.

I had not healed.

I had not worked with anybody yet about my own childhood.

I said,

Okay,

So you didn't have the tools yet to heal.

And he said,

No,

I was really wounded way back when.

And I said,

Okay.

I said,

So if we were to pull that guy into my office right now from years ago,

Do you see his woundedness and you see his lack of tools?

And he said,

Yeah.

And I said,

Well,

I'm not asking you to,

We're not discounting the fact what he did.

I'm not saying that what he did was okay,

But he had all the tools that he had were not able to help him to stop drinking and working so much.

I said,

It's just like having a kid taking a calculus exam,

But he's never been taught calculus and he failed the exam and you're not going to forgive him for failing.

And that was the statement that got him.

And he said,

Oh,

He got it.

He said,

Oh,

You're right.

He said,

I didn't know what I didn't know.

And I said,

Exactly.

I said,

Are you able to forgive him now?

That younger version of you?

I said,

The adult you today,

It's much healthier,

Has the ability to look back on your timeline on this guy that just didn't have the tools.

He failed calculus.

He failed being a great dad and a great husband.

But now we're working to build those relationships up now that you're healthier.

But at some point it's about not blaming and letting go of the blame that we have for that younger version of you that was so unhealthy and unhealed.

And he said,

I get it.

He says,

I can now.

So it's really,

Really powerful.

So those are the steps in order to help not only yourself live more in your adult chair,

But also to help improve relationships with your kids or whomever you need to improve a relationship with.

Use these steps.

Most importantly,

Live in your own adult chair to give people the experience of how much healthier you are today.

Words can be very empty and people think,

Yeah,

Whatever,

He or she hasn't changed.

So show up from your adult chair.

And from that perspective,

You give people the experience that you are different and you are here healthier and you are here wanting to improve that relationship.

Okay.

All right.

So that is that for today.

I have seen people use these tools and transform relationships.

I just want you to remind you again,

But it might not be on your timeline.

Okay.

It might not be on your timeline.

It might be just in divine time,

What I call let it happen.

Step into the flow and just let it happen in its own time,

But keep showing up in the healthiest version of you,

Which is the adult chair.

But let go of how it should look and the timing of it all.

Okay.

This topic is really important.

Again,

You can use this with anybody to improve relationships.

It's really a healthy way to improve relationships,

But specifically with kids and even if they're adult kids,

Try this out.

Okay.

So one last time again,

If you're interested in coming to learn more about the adult chair in person,

Come join us in Charlotte,

North Carolina,

January 26th and 27th,

2019.

Get more information at theadultchair.

Com forward slash workshop and get that a hundred dollars off you guys.

I'm offering it through the end of November.

I loved my time with you all today again and I have a great book recommendation,

So hang on.

You'll be getting that in a moment,

But for now I will see you seated right here next week in the adult chair.

Okay.

I have a great book for you all today.

I really,

Really liked this book.

It's called Perfect Love Imperfect Relationships Healing the Wound of the Heart.

And for listeners of the adult chair,

Audible is offering a free audio book.

Just go to www.

Audibletrial.

Com forward slash the adult chair and you can get this book for free.

I love it.

Free,

Free,

Free.

I love free.

What I liked about this book is it was more about the relationship you have with yourself in order to then heal other relationships.

That to me is just all about the adult chair.

And I read the comments and I really spend time researching different books for you guys that I offer at the end of the show.

And this one really hit me.

It says,

It takes the listener on a powerful journey of healing and transformation that involves learning to embrace our humanness and appreciate the imperfections of our relationships as trail markers along the path to great love.

I loved it.

And the reviews of this book were amazing.

So you can get this book again for free at www.

Audibletrial.

Com forward slash the adult chair.

And I will see all of you seated right here next week.

Have a beautiful week everybody.