Processing Failure

Welcome and thank you for joining.

In this talk we are going to explore the concept of failure.

It may be a surprising topic and I have only come across it by chance because I have experienced some more serious failure myself.

More serious than I usually experience on a day to day basis when I just make mistakes.

This time it was something bigger that also placed other people in an uncomfortable position.

And I have experienced and had to embody and process a range of emotions from denial and attempts to escape this situation.

Or on the opposite to conquer it and prevail and make it go away to pride and then also to humility and of course regret.

So if you are experiencing failure right now please know that you are not alone and you are universally unconditionally loved anyway.

So this talk is going to be from my personal experience and perspective and I myself have studied a number of talks that made me process my failure deeper and make it a learning experience.

Each perspective opens something new for us.

Each conversation,

Each voice can add to our picture of the world and of our lived experience.

So do not hesitate to explore this topic and come back to it.

Do not ignore it.

If you have identified this topic in yourself take it as an opportunity.

Because on a day to day basis we experience some minor failures we tend to ignore and this can also be healthy because everyone makes mistakes and it is human.

But in ignoring mistakes we do not actually process them and those little tiny reactions,

Little tiny rejections of ourselves in those moments they still happen.

You've made a typo in an important letter,

You have behaved not friendly enough in a store or whatever.

Whatever may have happened during your day you may have those tiny moments of regret and then they accumulate and they can be with you without you even knowing that.

So if you have come across a larger failure in your life take it as an opportunity to process your approach to the concept of you doing something wrong in general.

Because we are all human and we are imperfect and we rationally say that yes humans make mistakes but do we actually accept our mistakes?

Or do we just theoretically acknowledge their existence without embodying them,

Without letting them be in us and with us?

Think of your shadow side.

For some of us it may be a concept that is quite close and we have explored it.

For others it can be something further away,

Also something unwelcome.

But we can recognise maybe some qualities that we have and we do not particularly find them positive qualities.

You can say to yourself,

I am such a procrastinator,

I just like those sweet junk foods so much and I cannot resist them.

And you know that you don't find those qualities good and positive but you still accept them in yourself somehow with this loving feeling.

Very much in the same way that you would accept such negative qualities in your friend.

I hope you have something like that towards yourself.

And failure somehow is different.

Because we are not expecting that we would have this problem.

For example,

You are expecting yourself to be diligent and to do good work but then for some reason you fail.

And now you cannot address yourself with this kind and compassion and loving way.

Because you are expecting that you should not have this negative quality or just some flaw,

Let us say,

That has led to this situation that you have failed in something.

And now isn't that prideful?

Is it even possible that you would never have those qualities,

Those shortcomings along your life path that you would never fail?

Probably you can accept this part of yourself.

Always in those moments treat yourself as a very good friend,

Treat yourself the way that you would treat a child.

A child that has done something wrong or failed in some task.

Would you blame them?

You wouldn't.

You would probably offer them more support and compassion and try to help them see this learning,

This lesson that they are receiving.

Because the progress in life,

It consists of those errors and trials and errors and trials again and finally overcoming it and succeeding.

But without failing it is impossible to make progress.

And we recognize it when we are learning something but then we forget because we become older and we become more rigid and we strive for this perfection.

When we are children we are not striving for perfection.

When we are open we are not striving for perfection.

In fact when we are natural,

When we are in balance,

We are imperfect because all life and all natural living things they are imperfect.

And not pushing it 200% every time and letting yourself have those shortcomings,

It makes your life performance more authentic.

It makes you different from a machine because you are a human and also offers those learning experiences.

So if you can accept the fact that you may fail,

Now the second part of this process is accepting your feelings that come after you fail.

And those feelings can be so very different and it is so difficult to predict which ones you particularly are going to experience.

But as we may discover on our journey into our own self-understanding,

The emotions and feelings we experience do not always come from the circumstances that we are in.

They often are products of our inner beliefs.

So we may have those independent beliefs,

Beliefs independent from our failures.

For example,

A belief that you have to be perfect,

To be appreciated,

You have to be the best,

Maybe not even perfect but just the best,

Like the best of your class,

The most promising young specialist,

Or the best kid,

The best parent,

The best friend,

You always have to be the best,

The first.

This is just one possible wrong belief that you may have.

And if you identify in yourself feelings that you are unworthy,

You are not good enough,

Then maybe you can take this as an opportunity to embody your worth.

Think of your pain and discomfort that you are experiencing now as a diagnosis.

Screen your body,

Your mind,

Find the points where it hurts the most right now and remember them,

Let them be,

Sit with them,

Meditate with them,

Breathe into them,

Into those areas of your body,

Into those feelings that are arising,

Just be with them.

Sit,

Journal,

Drink some tea,

Give space to those emotions,

Dance,

Move,

But do not try to disguise what you are experiencing.

Let yourself fully embrace the discomfort because your discomfort is just a picture of those weaker spots that need more of your attention on a daily basis.

But you are not noticing those spots normally and now when there is a crisis in your life,

You can finally see where you have those weaker points.

So these two parts,

These two components make your failure a learning experience.

First,

Accepting the fact that failure will inevitably happen and this is just a part of life,

Part of your human experience in learning and you have this moral right to fail just as any other human.

Yes,

And the second part is accepting your reactions and feelings and letting them guide you into deeper compassion and understanding of yourself.

And with those two things your self-improvement is not undermined.

It shouldn't be said that you don't have to self-improve anymore,

That you can just accept all your imperfections and sort of bad qualities and just move on.

No,

Because if you are experiencing those discomforts,

If you are experiencing regret,

It means that you are not a bad person and this quality is not bad.

It's just a mistake,

It's just lack of learning for you.

So yes,

Accepting yourself is the first step to improve yourself.

You will not improve yourself by trying to change you.

You will improve yourself by learning more about why it is happening and allowing yourself to fully,

Fully express what is it in you that is causing this failure.

You do not have to judge it to improve yourself.

You just have to see,

Observe it and take it in as a learning and then naturally the better you know about this quality,

Possibility,

This mistake,

The more time you have taken to process it,

But not to beat yourself up,

But really to embody this and let it then be an already past experience,

Something that has happened.

And now it is enough.

It is already in the past.

But because you paid attention to it,

Because you were really present,

The more present you were,

The better this experience will be remembered.

And the more chance there is that next time in a similar situation you will behave in a different,

Improved way.

But I will say it again,

This improvement and correction does not come from you making yourself be more perfect and correct and right.

It comes from you letting yourself accept your mistake,

Understand the roots of your mistake and then from paying attention to those hurting parts of yourself that are calling for your attention.

And then when you pour this light and love into those parts of yourself,

When you are fully present and you remember this experience,

The next time you will naturally see an opportunity to step up and succeed where you once have failed.

I wish you peace with all your inner processes.

And thank you.