How To Get Over A Break Up - Instant Impact

30:50

30:50

How To Get Over A Break Up - Instant Impact

by Noah Elkrief

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This talk can help you to feel instant and lasting relief after a breakup. I will provide you with deep insights to help you address the common painful feelings that arise after a breakup. Healing from breakups doesn't require a lot of time, it just requires deep healing.

Instant Relief Healing Self Worth Emotional Pain Ego Relationships Self Acceptance Thoughts Self Inquiry Emotional Healing Self Improvement Breakup Recovery Relationship Dynamics Thought Patterns Breakups

Meet your Teacher

New York, NY, USA

Meet your Teacher

New York, NY, USA

Transcript

Hello, My name is Noah Elkrief and in this video I'm going to talk about how to get over a breakup. So there are a few different components that cause our suffering after a breakup. One is feeling hurt. One is constantly thinking about them. Another is comparing ourselves to the new person we might see them with. Another is jealousy. There are basically a few different areas that make us suffer after we get broken up with or maybe even after we break up with someone, Usually after we get broken up with. And I'm going to address most of them in this video. And if I don't cover what your specific suffering seems to be, I also have a few other videos about how to heal a broken heart and how to deal with a breakup that might be useful for you. So we're going to start off with the feeling of hurt, The feeling of broken heart itself. That's the pain, The deepness. And it seems as though that's directly created by their breaking up with you. But it's actually not. It's created by the worsening of your idea of yourself. So if you think you're smart and then someone calls you stupid, You might feel hurt because it would worsen your idea of yourself. If you think you're good at a sport and then someone says you're terrible and whatever, That would worsen your idea of yourself. That would make you feel hurt. So anytime your idea of yourself worsens, You feel hurt. So the reason why a breakup leads to the feeling of hurt and a very intense feeling of hurt and pain and what we call broken heart is because when someone says I love you or when someone calls you or when someone smiles at you or compliments you, What you do unconsciously and automatically is you tell a story, That means I'm okay. That means I'm lovable. That means I'm special. That means I'm worthy. And then you get this little ego high, This little feeling of pleasure that seems like you're on top of the moon. It makes you giddy. It makes you feel so nice. So when they say I love you, Those words don't make you feel good. It's the idea that you believe that means you're special. If they love me, That means I'm okay. And the way to see that is if, Let's say you're out on the street and some random person that looks like a mess, Maybe they're even homeless, Says to you I love you and you think they're drunk or on drugs or just a mess, Is that going to make you feel really good about yourself? Are you going to feel giddy and nice? No, Because you don't believe their words mean anything about you. You don't believe their words. You don't trust their words. Their words don't mean anything to you. But they said the exact same words. So the words I love you don't mean anything, Or even if somebody does love you. Let's say your parents love you or a friend loves you or even somebody is a secret admirer at your university or school or job or whatever. They really love you and you know it, But they're like a loser to you and you don't really care about them. You don't feel good. You don't get this really nice high. So what gives you this high when someone compliments you, Says they love you, Calls you, Touches you, Whatever, Is the idea if they love me that means I'm lovable and okay and worthy and special. So if when they love you it makes you feel good, Then if they stop that makes you feel bad. For the same reason, If they don't love me that means there must be something wrong with me. That means maybe I'm not so worthy. Maybe I'm not so special. Maybe I'm not as great as I thought I was. Maybe there's something not good enough about me. And so that shifting or worsening of your idea of yourself corresponds and creates the feeling of hurt, The feeling of pain. I thought I was good and now I feel worthless, Unworthy, Insufficient. Okay? But I'm here to tell you that just because someone doesn't want to be with you that doesn't mean you're unworthy or bad in any way. That's just one person's opinion. It doesn't mean anything about you. And the way to see that is if they really love a song, Does that mean that song is great? Does that mean that song is special? No. Other people might not like it. If they love a painting, Does that mean that painting is special and great and worthy and worth so much and valuable? No. Maybe everybody else hates it but for some reason they like it. If they love a movie, If they love a show, If they love anything, Does that mean it's great? No. It doesn't mean it's worthy or special or anything. So if they love you, That doesn't mean you're worthy or special or great. It just means it was the right fit. And what that also means is if they stop loving you, That doesn't mean you're not worthy, Not great or anything. It's just that it didn't fit what they wanted. Does that make sense? Or in other words, If you have a, Let's say imagine a little kid with one of those games. It's like a wood board and they have circle holes and square holes and triangle holes and then they have corresponding shapes on the side that they try to put the square in the square, The circle in the circle. Right? If they pick up a square and try to put it in the triangle shape hole and then they say to you, Mom or babysitter or whatever, This shape isn't good enough for that hole. What are you going to say? You're going to say, Yeah, You're right, It's not good enough? No. You're going to say it's not the right fit. So the same is true with them and you. If they like you, It doesn't mean you're great. It means you're the right fit. Just like if they like a song or a painting, It doesn't mean the painting or the song is great. It means it's the right fit. The same applies to you. So if they don't like you, If they don't love a painting, If they don't love a song, Does that mean that song isn't great or wonderful or anything? No, It just means they don't like it. Does that make sense? You have to recognize their opinion isn't true and real. It's just their opinion. To help make that more clear, Imagine you. If you like a song, Does that mean that song is special? If you like a painting, If you like anything, Does that mean it's special and great and worthy? No, It just means you like it. Other people don't, Obviously. The same applies with how you feel about them. If you love them, If you care about them, If you think they're great, Does that mean they actually are? No, It just means that it's just the right fit. So the same is true with their opinion. Your opinion isn't real and doesn't mean that what you like is great. Their opinion doesn't. And so what happens is the reason why we value their opinion and automatically believe it to be true and real is because we like them. And so whoever we like, We automatically give so much more importance and emphasis to their opinion than anyone else's. But you need to recognize they're just a person. Their opinion isn't any more true than the next person's. Just because you like them, It doesn't mean it's more real. And the real reason behind why we want to value their opinion so strongly is because we're desperately trying to convince ourselves, I am worthy and I am lovable. And so if they tell me they love me, That's like a great piece of evidence, A great tool, A great piece of backup, A piece of proof that says I am worthy and lovable. But it only helps me to think I am worthy and lovable if I believe their opinion is more real and true than everybody else's, That their opinion is somehow special. So I'm incentivized, As long as they love me, I'm majorly incentivized to actually think their opinion is real and true when it's not. So another way to see that there's not actually anything wrong with you or bad about you or not good enough about you is to look at the following hypothetical or example. Imagine that you had a twin, An identical twin, And you were the same in every single way, Except that they had brown hair and you had blonde hair. And imagine somebody comes up to you, To you both, And says, I like you both, But I'm going to choose your twin over you because I just like brown hair more. Right? You're the same in every single way except they have brown hair. Are you going to feel bad? Are you going to feel hurt like there's something wrong with me? No, Probably not, Because you recognize brown hair doesn't mean they're better, It just means that was their preference. Not that you're worse, They just preferred brown hair. So now imagine the same situation where you're the exact same in every way except you're good at volleyball but you're terrible at soccer and they're good at soccer and terrible at volleyball. Okay? And then someone comes up to you both and says, I love you both, You're both great or whatever, But I'm going to pick your twin instead of you because I like soccer and they like soccer and I don't really like volleyball. Are you going to feel worse about yourself? No, You're going to recognize. Okay, He likes him because they both like soccer. It doesn't mean anything about me. It doesn't mean I'm worse, It's just their preference. So now imagine that scenario again where you have a twin that's identical in every way except they weigh 20 pounds less than you. And then someone comes and says, You're both great but I'm going to pick your twin and not you because they're 20 pounds less than you. Now how do you feel? Well now you feel hurt. Right? You feel bad about yourself like you're worse. Why this time do you feel worse? Because you believe it's better to be skinnier. Whereas the other things you just recognize they are unique traits, Right? Blonde and brunette, Unique, No better or worse. Good at soccer versus good at volleyball, They're unique traits, Not better or worse. But when it comes to weight you say, One is better, Skinnier is better, Heavier is worse. Or imagine you're twins and they make $20, 000 a year more than you and they pick them instead of you. Then will you feel bad? Yes, Of course, Because you believe more money is better, Less money means you're worse. And the same can be applied to if they're more outgoing or they make more jokes than you or they work in a different field than you. So you have so many ideas about what is good and bad and so when someone breaks up with you or when someone doesn't want to be with you or cheats on you or whatever, You think it must be because one of my traits is worse. But there's no actual worse or better traits. Each person has their own preferences. So when we're born in the first three, Four years of our life, Maybe to five, If you're fat you feel fine, You're happy, You're content, No problem. Until somebody teaches you fat is bad, Skinny is good. And as soon as you learn that, Whether it's from the magazines, Your parents, Friends, Or anything in between, Then all of a sudden you feel insufficient and lacking like I'm not good enough. But having more weight doesn't create that feeling. Your story in your head did that fat is bad, Skinny is good. If you're shy, You feel fine until someone teaches you shy is bad, Outgoing is good, And then you feel insufficient and lacking. The same goes for everything. Every idea you have about something that's not good enough about you isn't true. It's just something that you were taught. It's not real. You can't find not good enough. Like here, Look at this movement. Is this a good or a bad movement? Nothing. It's just movement, Not good or bad. Good or bad exists in your imagination, Not here or on the movement itself. Look at my nose. Is my nose pretty or ugly? Look, It's not pretty or ugly. Pretty or ugly don't exist as part of the nose. What each person does is they create their picture in their imagination of the perfect nose and then compare this nose to their idea of perfect that exists in their imagination. But since each one has a different definition of perfect based on their culture and their upbringing and their unique set of experiences, Each one decides whether this is pretty or ugly differently. But no matter what they decide, That has nothing to do with my nose. My nose is here. Your ideas of pretty and good exist wherever you're watching this video. And they don't even exist there. Because if we took an MRI of your head, We wouldn't find pretty or good nose there either. So there's nothing good or bad about you in reality here and now. It's just an idea that we were trained to have. Okay? So if someone breaks up with you, It doesn't mean some quality is bad. It means it's not the right fit for what they like. Just that they like brown hair instead of blonde hair. Or they like soccer instead of volleyball. Or they like one job instead of the other. It doesn't mean anything about you. So now let's talk about why they left you. So you think they left you because there's something wrong with you, Something not good enough about you. And that's actually true to some degree. Okay? So first of all, You know, They might have left you because they decided something about you isn't good enough according to their ideas about what is perfect and bad and all that stuff. But more importantly than that, More fundamentally than that, They left you because you couldn't make them happy. Because everybody just wants to be happy more than anything else. You only entered into the relationship with them because you believed they would make you happy. And they only entered into the relationship with you because they believed you could make them happy. And you completely failed at that task, Right? Because they left you. But here's the thing. Everybody fails every single time because nobody can make anybody else happy. You have no chance at that. You can distract them from their thoughts, But you can't make them happy. So what makes us unhappy is the thoughts in our head. So thoughts create anxiety about the future, Anxiety about our career, Anxiety about money, Anxiety about health. It creates thoughts, Worry about others' opinions, Worry about our parents, Worry about our boss, Worry about whether our girlfriend loves us, Worry about whether our boyfriend is cheating on us, Worry about all that stuff. Thoughts about ourselves create insecurities about our personality, Insecurity about our looks, Insecurity about our intellect. Thoughts about the past create sadness, Anger. Thoughts about others create judgment, Separation, And everything in between. So when they went to you to make them happy, They're saying, Hey, Can you please delete all the thoughts in my head that make me unhappy? And of course you can't do that. You do not have the power to delete the thoughts in someone's head that makes them unhappy. You do not have the power to make them see their thoughts more clearly. Nobody does. So you're destined to failure if someone's entering into a relationship asking you to make them happy. Do you see that? When you were in the relationship, They still had all their anxiety, Worry, Insecurity, And everything in between, Just like you did. When you were in a relationship with them, Didn't you have suffering? Of course you did. We'll look at that more in detail later. But for right now, Just see, You couldn't make them happy. Nobody can. I've never ever seen a relationship where somebody else could make the other person happy. All that you can do when you say, I love you, Is it gives them a positive story. Yay, I'm lovable. But since they don't know that you love them, They still have to worry about whether you love them. Right? It's not like if they say, I love you, Do you never need to hear it again? I know they love me, Like I have it here, I know it, It's safe. No. You constantly need it to be reaffirmed. Tell me you love me. Show me you love me. Call me. Remember my birthday. Call me. And sacrifice for me and everything in between to prove to me that you love me. But they can't ever prove that they love you because there's no such thing in real life that's tangible and safe and you can hold it. You're just desperately trying to believe it. So you place these requirements on them and they do the same thing. They don't know that you love them, So they worry about whether you do and having security and try to make sure you continue to love them and everything in between. So if you go into a relationship and believe the other person should be able to make you happy and they don't, Well you're going to naturally assume it must be because something's wrong with them. It must be because they're not good enough. It must be because they're not a right fit. I need somebody else. Maybe they don't love me enough. They don't appreciate me enough. They're not nice enough. They're not happy enough. They don't call me enough. They don't spend enough time with me. You're going to create some excuse in your head, Some reason in your head about why you're not happy and why this relationship didn't work when really the reason why you're not happy is because the thoughts in your head and it has nothing to do with the person you're in a relationship with. Does that make sense? So because you couldn't make them happy, They assume it's because there was some insufficiency with you when it's really because you're a human being and you can't make them happy because you can't address the thoughts in their head. So there's nothing wrong with you that they left you. It just means that the other person innocently believed that another human being can make them happy because they were taught that just like you were taught that. We're all taught that. But it's come to a point in our life when it's time to question that assumption which is so obviously false if we're willing to look honestly. Is everyone in a relationship happy? No. If anyone's happy in a relationship it's not because the other person made them happy, It's because they've been able to look at the thoughts in their head. But pretty much everyone has anxiety, Worry, Insecurity and all the other stuff because nobody teaches us how to look at the thoughts in our head and nobody wants to look at the thoughts in their head. We never allow ourselves to be by ourselves with no distractions. We need TV, Music, Food, Friends, Calls, Internet, Anything to avoid being with our own thoughts. If we never look at our own thoughts we're never addressing the cause of our suffering and then we never live in peace and happiness. Very simple. So now let's look at some of the other thoughts that are going on about why you keep thinking about them and that sort of thing. So one of the main reasons why you keep thinking about them is because before when they were in the relationship with you, When they said I love you and they called you, It convinced you or partially convinced you and gave you the idea, Yeah, I'm worthy and lovable. And if they stop loving you or leave you, You tell a story, Oh no, Maybe that means I'm not so special, Not so lovable, Not so great. And all you want to do is convince yourself that you're worthy and good enough. So you need, According to this mechanism that you aren't seeing clearly, You need them to love you again in order for you to feel good about yourself again. Maybe if somebody else says I love you, That may help a little bit, But you still have in the back of my head, But they don't love me. So maybe there's something wrong with me, But they don't love me, Right? Even if everybody else in the world loves me, There's still one person out there who spent a lot of time with me and decided they don't love me. So it's like this little crack, This little doubt, Maybe I'm not good enough because one person doesn't love me, Right? So you decide that the way to feel better about that is to get them to love you. But that won't work. Not that it won't work that you'll get them to love you, Maybe you will, But it won't work at making you feel better. Then you're still going to have anxiety about losing their love again. You're still going to have all the issues with the relationship you had before and all that. Instead, Let me offer you another way out, And that is that you are not worthy and lovable. Okay? So what I mean by that is there's actually no such thing as worth, Value, Good enough, Special and lovable. Those are ideas you tell yourself in your imagination. You go through your whole life trying to convince yourself that you're lovable and worthy and great and all that. But prove it to me. Here's my hand, Okay? Here's my nose, Here's my hair. That exists in reality, Right? Show me your nose. Touch it for me. Show me your hair. Touch it. Show me the computer. Touch it. Now show me your worth. Show me your value. Show me your lovability. Show me that you're special. Give me some piece of evidence in real life, In reality that exists right now that you are any of those things. All right? Can you see the lovability? Can you touch it? Can you taste it? Can you smell it? Can you hear it? If not, It's imaginary. It doesn't exist. There's no basis whatsoever. You are here right now, Right? Just like my hand is here, You are here. So if you are here right now, Anything that's not here right now can't be who you are. Right? My hand is here, So anything not here isn't my hand because my hand is here. So you are here right now. Anything that's not here isn't you. So where's worth? Where's lovable? Where's good? Where's bad? Where's success? Where's failure? Where's any of that nonsense? That's just imaginary. You are here and none of that is who you are. As long as you're in the business of trying to convince yourself that you're worthy and great, You'll also be living with anxiety about becoming worse and you'll live with insufficiency because no matter how worthy and lovable you think you are, You don't know it. You may think, I know I'm worthy. I know it. I'm valuable. I'm worthy. I'm special. I'm great. I am lovable. But if you knew it, You wouldn't need to defend it. If you knew it, You wouldn't need anyone's love. If you knew it, You would just have it and it wouldn't be fragile. But since I am lovable isn't real, It always feels like there's something missing. It always feels like there's something lacking in our life. Always, Even when we're with someone, Except in the moments that we're distracted from our thought. So instead of playing this futile game that will always result in failure and suffering of the game of trying to convince yourself you're worthy, Recognize there's no such thing. And then you're already okay as you are. There's nothing wrong with you. There's nothing missing. There's nothing bad about you. I'm here with you. I don't see anything wrong because I don't know what the shape of wrong is. I don't know what the size of wrong is. I don't know any of that. What's worthy about you? Don't convince yourself you're great. You see, We've been taught that there's only two options in this life. Either think of yourself as great, Confident, I'm good, I'm great. Or think of yourself as bad, I'm not so good, Oh no, This, That. Well guess what, I'm introducing a third option to you. I am here. Why do I have to go to my imagination and tell myself I'm great and lovable and then try to maintain that my whole life? Instead, I can just be here as I am and let everybody decide what I am without having nothing to do with me. Okay, So you're just here. Don't try to convince yourself you're great and lovable and worthy because then you're constantly going to worry about others' opinions and worry about outcomes because outcomes mean I'm good. Good outcomes mean I'm good. Bad outcomes mean I'm bad. Let yourself just be here as you are. Okay? Moving on, So why do you constantly think about who they're with or maybe even look on Facebook to see who they're with or that sort of thing? The reason why is because, Like we said before, You're trying to use their love to make you feel good about yourself. And if they left you, It means you're not good enough. And if, Right, Because if we think their opinion is real and the truth, Then if they left me, It means I'm not good enough and it means whoever they pick next is good enough. Right? Whoever they're with must be good enough and they must be better than you if you consider your partner or your ex's opinion to be the truth. Then you're not good enough and they are good enough. So what you do is you look at them and compare. And the intention of the comparison is to try to convince yourself you're better than them and they're bad because they're trashy or they're bad because they're not as pretty as you or they're bad because they only care about this and they're bad because they wear those type of clothes and they're bad because of whatever. Right? But notice, Judging them to be bad doesn't do enough for you. Right? You think about it and still feel jealous and still feel terrible because you're trying to convince yourself of something that's not true. I am better than them isn't true. It's just an idea. How do you know you're better than them? Prove it to me. Where is that in real life? It's a story in your head. Instead of trying to convince yourself that you're better than them and convince yourself that they're bad in order to feel better about yourself, Recognize that his opinion or her opinion, Your ex, Is not the truth. It doesn't mean you're worse and they're better. It simply means it wasn't the right fit combined with they thought a girl or guy could make them happy and they can't. So of course they're going to leave. That's it. Does that make sense? I hope so. And finally, The last thing we're going to talk about in this somewhat long video is how to stop thinking about them altogether other than those things we talked about, Which is all going to be helpful. And that is we think about them a lot because we think if they were here, I would be happy. And that is created by an incomplete picture of the past. So when we think about our relationship, Most of us will end up thinking about the good moments. Oh, I was so happy. We had so many fun moments. It was so nice. But really, If you're willing to look honestly and more fully, You weren't always happy. So I'm going to ask you some questions to help you discover that for yourself. When you were in the relationship, Did you not have anxiety about the future, Anxiety about money, Anxiety about help, Anxiety about job? Did you not worry about whether they love you? Did you not feel jealous sometimes? Did you not feel insecure about your personality, Your looks and all that sort of stuff? Did you not feel sometimes like you're pretending to be someone because you had to make sure they like you? Right. So you need to make sure you're funny or make sure you show them that you're interested in sports or seem like you have a common interest or that sort of thing. Did you not get judged sometimes, Get disappointed sometimes, Angry sometimes? Look for yourself at all the ways that you suffer while you were in the relationship. Because when you tell yourself this story, Oh, I was so happy, You're lying. You may have had happy moments. Of course you did. When they say, I love you, Say, Yay, I'm great. But that comes afterwards with feeling lacking because you don't know it and worrying about their opinion plus everything else you came into the relationship with. So if you can discover that you weren't necessarily happier, You may be happier then than you are now because you have the broken heart and the hurt and all this other stuff. But if you can recognize that you weren't fulfilled in the relationship, They weren't happy, Like I had everything I ever wanted, Right? Because all you want is peace and fulfillment. If you recognize he didn't give it to you or she didn't give it to you, Then all of a sudden you're free. The reason why you couldn't be happy in that relationship and the reason why you weren't happy in that relationship is because you were looking to somebody else to make you happy when they can't change your relationship with the thoughts in your head. They can't delete the thoughts in your head. So if you want to be happy, You have to question what thoughts are making you unhappy. Anytime you're suffering, You need to say, What thoughts am I believing? What story am I telling in my imagination? Because it's only your imagination that's creating your suffering. And now, Paradoxically, Even though you may have been suffering more recently, That has acted as a catalyst to help you to actually look at your thoughts. Because maybe that relationship in your whole life, You never questioned the thoughts in your head and whether they're true. But now, All of a sudden you're here on this video with me and you're looking, Investigating, Is this all true? Is that true? What was I assuming there? Is that real? And now, All of a sudden, Maybe you're on a journey to be peaceful and happy because you can question the thoughts in your head. So that relationship ending might have been the greatest gift for your life in terms of questioning the thoughts that make you unhappy and losing your suffering or who knows what else? Maybe it will give you time to enjoy a passion or pursue something that you want or find somebody else that's a better fit. I don't know. Or maybe it will help you in your next relationship because maybe you will be using them to make you happy. Or maybe you won't worry about their opinion anymore because you know it doesn't mean you're great. I guess we'll find out. But you certainly don't know whether it was bad for your life, Especially because you weren't happy before. Okay? So that was pretty long and I covered a lot of stuff. You may need to listen to it again a few times. You may want to take notes. Treat it like it's like the most important homework of your life, Basically. This is really, You know, Put some effort into it. Put some time into it because if you don't question and see clearly your thoughts, You're going to keep suffering. So thank you for watching and I'll see you around. Bye. Hello again. If you found my video helpful or you enjoyed it, I welcome you to click on one of the videos below as you might find them helpful as well. Or if you want to make sure you never miss another video of mine again, You can click the subscribe button over there. And if you want my free ebook, You're welcome to click the free ebook button over there. So thanks again for watching and I'll see you around. Bye.