Spiritual Healing

Thanks for joining us here on Pretty Spiritual where we're attempting the unthinkable about how to navigate this messy,

Beautiful,

Imperfect life with spiritual tools,

What,

Principles,

And our own personal stories.

So we're not experts,

We're not religious,

We're definitely silly.

We're honest,

Real,

And willing to share.

So join us as we connect,

Bond,

And grow together.

Hello sweet spiritual friendies.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey everyone.

I'm so glad that we are back together.

I'm Lindsay Poney and I have my lovely co-hosts Ella.

Hi,

I'm Ella.

And Annie.

Hey,

I'm Annie.

My beloved friends and I were talking the other day and I was describing the pain I was having finding myself in the middle of what Ella called spiritual growing pains.

We are describing this as an awareness state you find yourself in when you've done some healing work,

Became aware of areas you wanted or needed to change,

Spent some years or efforts on this,

And actually made progress.

Who knew that getting closer to where you want can actually hurt slash be uncomfortable or feel different than you had hoped for?

Spiritual growth is described as a process of becoming aware of your inner consciousness or being which transcends the usual boundaries of your mind and inner ego to realize the person inside you actually are.

Wouldn't that be great?

This is what we are attempting to get into today.

Is where we wanted growth or change the efforts we made to get there finding or not finding ourselves somewhere in between and the feelings,

Perhaps spiritual growing pains that came along with it.

Perhaps the growing pains even had the feelings of achievement or success,

But you still find yourself somewhere in between grieving your past self and curious who you could possibly be now.

The fear came along for the ride tempting you with who will I possibly be now,

Now that my essence is gone.

Of course we can acknowledge all of this with tools to help guide us through growth later in the episode.

Okay ladies,

Let's get into it.

Please share your spiritual growing pains and specifically what it was like finding yourself not who you were before,

Not where you want to be completely,

But somewhere in the middle.

What did that feel like?

Let's describe our experiences with spiritual growing pains.

Annie,

Please start us off.

Thank you Pony for this nice topic.

And I just want to say I'm really happy that we're all here and everyone looks so nice today.

We got dressed up for you guys.

We all got dressed up.

Pony's got all these drinks.

She's trying to argue with us right now.

Okay,

There she goes.

She is wearing these amazing colors.

They look so fun.

Ella's got on this really cute jumpsuit.

I just got a haircut.

It is amazing.

Feeling all cute.

And if we could,

You know,

If feeling good equaled to spiritual growth,

We would have it or looking down.

Looking good.

We're enlightened.

Yeah,

We're ready.

The vanity does it.

So I love the topic Pony and I am in the middle of this and I really liked how you worded grieving my past self and curious who I could possibly be now or grow into.

And so I was thinking about the topic and there's a lot of stuff that I could do because as my wife frequently tells me,

She's like,

Why are you always trying to fix parts of yourself?

You know,

And I don't know if she completely understands the need for me to do that.

And I don't know that it's even trying to fix myself,

But it's more an awareness that there's part of me that always needs to grow just based on the past that I've had.

And if I don't keep trying to grow,

I can get complacent,

I guess.

So there is a lot of stuff that I can think about.

And money was definitely one of them.

But the one that just popped up and that I want to talk about is healing.

Because I was,

The last couple of days I've been really uncomfortable because I have come completely off an SSRI,

Which is a type of anti-anxiety medication that helps brain chemistry when it acts in a very overstimulated and hypervigilant anxious way.

And I've been taking it for six years and I finally am completely off of it.

And so the past week or so,

A lot of the feelings that were happening before I started taking it have been coming up.

And they're much,

I have the ability to tolerate them a lot more and manage them a lot more.

I have different,

My nervous system and my heart and myself,

It's on a different footing than it was when I first started taking that.

But it's still this scary feeling to kind of feel my brain race or to have that like swampiness kind of tug at me and be like,

It kind of feels,

It's hard to describe,

But it feels like it's going to kind of just take over me.

And so I've been just thinking about how I don't like to feel certain ways.

Preach.

Which I think is the total point of this whole podcast that we've been doing for a year and a half.

How do I just be a human?

So the big,

The big clicker in all of this part of the healing,

Grieving my past self and curious who I could possibly be now,

Like the bridge that I think of in my mind and also with this medication is PTSD.

And so I didn't know that that was happening in my body.

And then I got this diagnosis and I started getting all these tools for healing and it feels like this bridge,

I kind of went over this bridge where all these pieces that were disparate and out of control and terrifying suddenly started to make sense and there started to be a solution for them.

And it also,

The context of my life kind of before that bridge was I was scared all the time.

So I had this very submissive,

Sparkly,

People-pleasy,

Conflict-avoidant way that I navigated the world,

But underneath it all was this sense of being scared of stuff.

So I was scared to make wrong choices.

Like I can't,

What if I pick the wrong clogs to buy?

This is such a silly example and this is a true one,

Which I'm sharing it.

So good.

A friend got me a gift certificate for these handmade clogs and I have not got,

I didn't get them because I'm like,

I'm going to pick the wrong ones and then I'm going to be unhappy.

I'm going to do it wrong.

You know,

And this is like inability to trust my own decision making process or fear of once I do make a decision,

That's going to be the wrong decision.

But like that was my entire life on everything,

Little things,

Big things.

And so as the shift has started happening,

I've started having more of this sense of self of like,

Oh,

It's normal to be uncertain or to be scared.

And it's not such a black and white,

Like live or die world where if you make a choice that even it's wrong,

Like it's very dangerous.

But at the same time,

It's I kind of had this feeling as I was going through this last year and a half that my somatic therapist kept being like,

Just be patient.

This process is really slow.

But I kept being like,

OK,

And it's totally better,

Getting better.

But now I'm like,

I'm ready for to be this awesome,

Amazing professional woman who knows everything and like always picks the right pair of clogs.

You know,

The true mark of success.

Yeah,

Right.

And and I'm not,

You know.

So the growing pain is like wanting to suddenly be this person with none of my squirmy stuff.

The growing pain is being impatient when that weird swampiness rises up and thinks I shouldn't feel this way.

I don't want to feel this way.

I'm not shackled by the PTSD like I was.

And it really had me in prison.

But I'm not who in my brain I think I'm supposed to be.

So I'm in that in between growing pain place.

And and maybe this is just who I am always.

Maybe the growing pain is just being like,

Here's the.

Get to like her.

This is what you are.

So that's me.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Thanks,

Sweet Annie.

Thanks,

Annie.

I root to really believe that loving ourselves here right now where we are is the piece that makes even growth possible.

Right.

If I'm just no,

I can't be this way.

It can't be this.

I won't look.

I'll pretend I'll distract myself.

But really seeing where we are now.

And also the thing is,

Is that we're always growing and changing,

Whether it's backwards or forwards.

So I to oscillate from the extremes,

It's black or it's white.

And also then believing that it's always going to be this way.

Yeah,

This is it forever.

Kind of pigeonholes me into,

Yeah,

Just not getting to have the growth that's here.

That's definitely happening.

Thank you so much for sharing.

I guess I wanted to talk about just something I've shared on here before many times.

So I'm wondering why I'm sharing about this again,

Right?

Why would I be sharing about this again?

Because you just start you get better and then you're fine.

It's all linear,

You know,

Healing is supposed to be linear.

And that has not been my experience.

I guess I'm going to talk about tone of voice and the Buddhists call it right speech,

Which isn't that so nice that I feel less alone,

Because they have this step on the eightfold path that helps me to be like,

Oh,

Other people struggle with this as well.

For it was such a big identity piece for me I see.

As I look back now,

And I've got some space on it before if anyone brought up my tone,

I felt so criticized and that who I was was too much and couldn't belong.

And I identified so much with this brash,

Loud,

Unapologetic,

Unknowingly hurtful with brute honesty.

As I look back and see how the ways that my tone and my way of speech was,

I can also see that I was really this was a trait that was formed,

Maybe to be heard,

Maybe to get things that I needed or wanted.

And also,

It's really kind of a family affair in my household,

We the Wow,

Just a lot of yelling and so it was really ingrained and habitual.

So I'm still really here and deep in it with,

I think it was our changing behaviors episode where I talked about the different stages of being willing,

Or being able to look at things that we wanted to change.

And part of it was the pre contemplation,

Which is,

It's before you even begin to consider looking at something that might be an issue or maybe someone brought it up.

You know,

Like,

The way you talk to me is hurting me or your tone seems like you're upset.

Could you possibly check in with yourself for a moment to see.

And so for a long time,

I was really in like the pre contemplation for many years,

And I just took everything very personally.

And what's happened so far is this deeper level of realizing that the tone of voice is actually it's a pathway that if I if I can become aware of it and notice it,

Then it's,

It's actually showing me what's going on inside of me.

It's been so weird and interesting for me to get some space around this and see we have we have a dog in studio right now.

So if you hear some doggy,

We're very happy to have a cokey room right now.

And you might hear her and we're so glad she's here.

So that's what's going on.

But as far as getting some space on the making headway of the tone,

Like before I really,

How could you talk about my tone and like,

It was really painful,

Because what I was what how I grew up was actually really painful.

And there was a lot of family dynamics and structures for survival and traits that I acquired that weren't necessarily mine,

But it's how I survived.

And so because I was identifying with them so much,

It felt like a personal attack and like who I was wasn't okay.

And then it was also I had to break away from like this family dynamic and culture.

It's such a tall order that it makes a lot of sense for years.

I just couldn't even look at my tone of voice.

And I did a lot of the blaming and the pushback of like,

This is your issue.

And if you can't love me at my at my worst,

Then you don't deserve me at my best.

But I just saw a meme recently that said,

If you can't love me at my worst,

Well,

That's too bad for you,

Because that's actually my best.

It's my favorite.

It's my favorite thing.

So just a little levity on seeing where we are.

I think a lot of spiritual growing pains come from the resistance.

Just being on the spiritual path of being open,

Aware,

And available to look at ourselves,

Even when and especially when it gets really uncomfortable is such a it's such an honor to be here.

So thank you for listening to that about me.

Thanks,

Pony.

I loved that.

Thank you,

Pony.

I just want to say I appreciate you talking about consistent themes.

And then also,

It sounds like I don't know if this is the case for you,

But like shame or discomfort of talking about the same thing over and over.

And before this episode,

I was like,

Oh,

My gosh,

Am I going to really talk about PTSD again,

As my example,

And I thought about it and why I didn't pick money or something else is I was like,

This is the truth for what is happening in my life and what I'm working on.

And I was like,

It doesn't,

Like you said,

It doesn't have a solution.

And so I'm like,

Well,

People will get bored of hearing about it.

Or they'll be like,

Oh,

My God,

Does she have nothing else happening in her life.

It's been a pretty big thing.

And also,

It's just where I'm trying to grow spiritually.

So I love that you when you share those things,

It gives me permission to do it too.

I'm really glad for all of us really showing up in a really personal and honest way.

And it really is a courageous call.

And I'm glad that we talk about all the pieces that go into like,

How we're even stopping ourselves from saying what's true,

Because I'm already looking out of like,

This should be different.

This healing should be like this,

I should have more things to talk about.

And my healing is boring.

So thank you both so much for really showing up so generously.

And honestly,

It's really such a big deal.

Yeah,

There's something that I loved that Suzuki Roshi said,

He's a Japanese man who came to the United States to start a Japanese temple,

A Japanese Zen temple,

And instead kind of created this community for Americans to engage with Zen.

And so he saw American culture and people were kind of like skimming on the surface and like trying a little bit of one thing and trying a little bit of another thing.

And so he would say stuff like that,

If you follow one thing to its source,

The whole world gets exposed to you.

And I think that's such a beautiful way for me,

That's a really beautiful way to temper all those feelings of like,

Oh,

My God,

I'm like repeating myself or like,

This is monotonous,

People are bored when I'm when am I gonna I just get embarrassed.

I'm like,

Again,

You know,

And that really helps me because it's like,

If we do have the fortitude and resilience to like follow that one thing,

It will,

It will show our whole beings to us.

And hopefully we get some freedom from that.

So I was the one who put words to this topic.

And now I'm like,

What a crazy woman I was a couple of weeks ago when I said those words irresponsibly not having any idea what they mean.

Exactly.

And I have plenty to say as usual,

But I feel a little scattered.

So bear with me,

The place that I really experience the pain of thinking I should know better or be better is it usually has to deal with the emotional cycles that accompany chronic illness,

The delusion that really,

That I really suffer with is thinking I should know better,

Or thinking that like,

Since I think I know better than I should do better,

Whatever that means,

Because like,

I don't honestly even really know what that would look like.

But the truth for me is that when I'm in that place of suffering,

I am forgetting a few things.

One thing is that in order for me to get relief,

The relief of surrender or peace or to appreciate spiritual growth,

I have to land that thing emotionally,

That like intellectually knowing better doesn't actually do anything for me.

It has been so humbling for me lately to be reminded that I can't get there by myself,

That most of the time it involves me,

You know,

Like breaking down fully with another person or talking really honestly about how I'm feeling and owning all the really like,

Uncomfortable messy toxic feeling parts of the experience.

And I just forget all the time that that's not something I can do by myself in my own head.

You know,

It's like an experience that I have to work for emotionally again and again and again.

And just because I've had it before doesn't mean it'll,

It'll be different getting there in the future.

It's like I can't think my way into letting go.

It's something that has to kind of for better for worse every time it's something I have to feel my way through and I my brain gets very impatient with that.

It's like we've been here before yesterday and the day before and all the days before that like,

Can you come on,

You know,

Like,

It's this sort of that same embarrassment and feeling of just pull it pull yourself together.

Like why is this so hard for you right now?

And it's like that same impatient tone that is forgetting that it's an organic process that I don't get to control.

And actually,

That's a really good thing.

Because if I was in charge of my spiritual growth,

I all I wanted when I started trying to walk a spiritual path was to not live with my parents anymore and be able to like get out of bed in the morning,

Which at the time seemed like a pretty big ask honestly,

Like,

It might be asking for too much,

You know,

But if I was in charge of coming up with what the spiritual growth looked like,

That's probably as far as I would have progressed because I couldn't conceive of the life that the universe had in store for me,

Which is great because it's so much bigger and more complicated and richer than anything I could have come up with.

And I think what happens for all of us is like Lindsay was saying,

We get so identified with our habitual ways of suffering,

That then when they are brought up to us,

Or we start to see them or they're like leaking through the cracks,

We get really,

Our ego gets really triggered because it's like,

Well,

I am that that is me and that's bad.

So I'm bad.

And the truth is that these are patterns and some of them are deeper than other patterns we have,

But they're not us,

You know,

And I get so much relief from remembering that the it's not my suffering,

It's the suffering,

It's our suffering.

Yeah,

I wish there was some kind of like speedy shortcut for like,

Just do this and then you won't be in resistance anymore and you'll have relief from suffering and,

But it's just this like messy path each time that leads me back to that the place where that kind of settles in emotionally and I actually do get the relief.

Oh my god,

Coco.

She's curled up in a little ball with her little puppy tail all neatly tucked around her.

And that's our best tool.

You can cut that out.

No,

Oh,

That's staying in.

I love her so much.

Anyway,

So unfortunately,

I don't have any quick fixes for y'all.

Look at a puppy picture.

Look at that actually is a good one.

I love to look at baby animals on Instagram,

Any animals,

But the baby ones are,

You know,

Cute,

Especially cute for a reason.

And maybe I'll have some other slower tools later.

Well,

It's great because we're actually going to move into the tools now.

Hopefully,

With some of these tools,

We might be able to find some footing in the in between state.

Are there tools that can help us navigate from here to there?

Or maybe just settle into acceptance and love?

Those are my tools.

So easy.

Yeah.

That was my piece.

Annie.

Thanks,

Ladies.

I have two tools.

The first one is something that we've talked about before,

But it's acknowledging change that's already happened.

Because like we've all been talking about,

I'm in get in that place.

And I'm like,

This is it.

I'm here.

I've been here forever.

I'm going to be here forever.

Nothing's ever going to change.

I'm useless,

Or I'm stuck or whatever.

And so I can write,

I really like writing,

Some people like drawing,

Some people like spreadsheets,

Like some people like just thinking about it,

Whatever works for you.

But I can write down how things are different.

So in the case of what I'm talking about,

I can be like,

Oh,

Here's the markers of how things that have actually changed.

Like I have a level of tolerance now that I can sit with discomfort that I didn't have a year ago,

Two years ago,

Three years ago,

And each year it changes a lot.

Like how I'm able to be with what I consider to be discomfort over other people's emotions or other people's experiences or all those things.

So that's huge.

So that's one tool.

It's just acknowledging change.

And then the other one is also a writing tool.

And I've been using it.

And it's really helpful.

So I have a flashcard and I've noticed lately how pride is a big thing in my life,

Which I didn't ever think,

But apparently it is.

And so I made a flashcard and I just bisected it.

On one side I wrote pride and kind of the attributes of what that looks like in my life.

And then on the other side I wrote humility and what those practices or feelings would look like.

And so in the context of this being in a state of spiritual growing pain and this grief of like who I have been and like I don't want to be,

For me PTSD feels really powerless.

Like when I feel those feelings of that,

It's like I feel weak and I feel powerless and I feel scared.

But also it's like this way of thinking and being that I had for a really long time.

So there's this kind of grief of like,

How was I with that person?

Oh my God.

And then who am I going to be now?

So as I'm in that in-between state,

Dissatisfied essentially,

I can do my flashcard.

And so I wrote down notes and however it looks for you and whatever your spiritual growing pain is about.

But so for me,

It feels like I need to practice patience.

So on one side I write impatience and other underneath a bit,

How I can know when I'm in impatience is this need to know,

A desire for immediate results,

Dissatisfaction with present circumstances,

A desire not to be present.

So avoidance of my meditation,

Which I will do anyways.

I do my meditation every day,

But I will keep my brain busy during meditation.

So just notice that they're like,

Oh,

That's,

That looks like impatience.

And then the last one that I have is the self will and as self-determined objectives.

So what I mean by that is like a needing to know and the wanting immediate results and knowing what I think the results should be.

So like Ella was sharing when all she wanted to do is get out of her parents' housing,

Be able to get out of bed.

She couldn't have foreseen like the beautiful world that she gets to inhabit now.

So I've already decided the best world for Annie to inhabit in a month,

Six months,

But maybe it's really shortsighted.

You know,

Maybe I,

I don't have the full scope of how to inhabit that yet,

But with patience,

I'll be able to get there.

So then on the other side of the flashcard is patience.

And the words that came up for me were really frustrating ones.

Cause they're not,

I like,

They're not going to get me immediate results.

It was love,

Kindness,

Sitting still and breathing,

Writing,

And then tolerance.

And in parentheses behind tolerance is tools for emotional regulation.

So when I am impatient and I'm uncomfortable,

I want to avoid it.

And so being patient for me is having the tolerance to be with what's happening.

So I can do things that we've talked about here,

Like breathing exercises or sequencing or just things that put me in my body.

So those are my two tools right now for spiritual growing pains.

Those are so great Annie,

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

No quick fixes in there I noticed.

I know,

Dang it.

Spoiler alert,

There's no quick fixes.

Yeah,

When your tool is patience,

You know it's gonna suck.

That's gonna hurt.

I'm pretty sure it's the same for all of us.

Yeah,

And my tools are,

You're definitely going to need patience for them because it's really just kind of ideas,

Principles to encompass and a lot of accurate self appraisal.

Gross.

I'm sorry.

Right,

And the word accurate is quite important.

I don't see myself properly.

So sometimes it's great to have a buddy to be able to help you,

To remind you.

I love hearing stories when we get to share so freely.

Ella,

Thank you for that.

Because I remember there were a couple times like if the 10 years ago person could see me now,

I would be like,

I have arrived.

I never need to grow again.

Nothing else needs to happen.

And that,

Annie,

Thank you too.

I love thinking about that present time right now.

Maybe I need to just really open up my world more and be patient and sit with this.

And some of my notes just talk about how pain comes from resisting change,

Like I was talking about earlier,

And the notion that what we resist persists.

And so that's where this accurate self appraisal comes in where not only being able to look at what's going on,

What's been going on in the past,

And being okay with it,

Loving it,

Loving ourselves as we are right here right now,

Because the like the clincher for me,

And this has been so profound lately,

And it's really kind of simple,

But I can't change and grow if I'm resisting or saying that who I am right now is not okay.

I actually have to love myself,

Have tons of compassion for myself,

Be really be okay,

Like okay enough,

Like just like,

Okay,

This is what is acceptance of what is and how I am right now in this moment before I'm ever going to be able to get out of this space that I'm in.

And that's a far bigger cry for me before when I just thought,

Don't look,

Hunker down,

Don't look,

Grit your teeth,

Pretend it's all not there.

And maybe one day something will be different.

And it has been a really lovely thing to embrace all that is here.

All of my humaneness,

The parts of myself that could use more work or that ideals of myself wanting to,

You know,

I really just don't want to hurt people with my tone.

I don't I don't want to hurt people.

And if I've,

I have been real life experience tool at the gym,

I am like so in my element that I am,

I am a yeller.

I am a scream talker and I get very excited at the gym and it's like an open space and I feel like we're all being aggressive that I can just like let it all hang out.

So it's actually been my it's been my ground to do like the deepest work when I can remember like sometimes I just go there and act a fool,

You know.

And that's okay too.

The other day when I was we had to do these box jumps,

There was like such an issue because I tell myself I can't jump and then as you can see,

I can't jump.

And my coach was like,

You have to commit,

You have to believe that you can do this.

And then you just have to commit to doing it,

Which was such a great tool.

And that was a big part of me getting able to do it.

But what I would do is I would jump and then I would miss it and I would start to scream some obscenities.

And then I,

I in the moment I re I after I yelled what I yelled about missing that box jump,

Then I said,

You are a really great person,

Because I'm essentially talking to myself and I would say you are trying really hard.

So even though I would have those quote unquote missteps where I'm just acting in my habitual behavior of if I yell and berate and like scream myself into being better,

Even if I do that,

I can still rewrite it in that moment.

Meaning I can also add on to it of like,

You're doing great.

This is hard.

You are yelling.

Sometimes I'm just like,

I say out loud,

I'm absurd.

I like help bring myself into the moment by saying out loud what is happening.

And it's been really profound.

So I don't have a lot of tools here that are just XYZ do this,

You are cured.

Because for me,

Spiritual growth doesn't work that way.

It's all over the place.

It's tiny little bits and pieces.

It's following breadcrumbs back to the heart.

And that's what I'm trying to do.

Hmm.

Pony,

Thank you.

I love that you're talking about,

Like outing yourself,

Because that is one of the things that helps me so much is,

Like,

Especially lately,

When I've been struggling with,

There's been this back and forth between like unsuccessfully trying to numb and then insane toxic crankiness when that fails to work the way I wish it would.

And so it's just kind of this like vacillation.

And when I am like fully believing the toxic crankiness,

Especially,

I am making it other people's problem.

I'm taking it out on other people.

And my partner has been very patient and will kind of like wait.

He knows there are things to help me soften into owning it.

Like he says,

Do you want a hug?

Or he says,

Do you need a hug?

Because I don't want one,

But I really need one.

You know,

That's what Justin says.

That's so sweet.

And then he'll give me a hug.

And I'll say,

I'm really cranky.

And he'll say,

I know.

And it's just like,

So much of the power gets taken out of it just by like naming it out loud and calling it what it is.

There's so much I don't have to take it so personally.

And I don't have to let it control me once I can acknowledge what it is.

And so that really helps me.

And I,

You know,

That like,

Whatever spiritual equation that people are throwing around of like pain times resistance equals suffering.

That's right.

It really annoys me.

Poni is like,

Yeah,

I love that.

I love that math equation.

I hate it.

And here's why.

It is a really helpful way to orient myself.

But for me,

The problem is that resistance isn't something I can just let go of.

And so for me,

Then it turns into like,

It's my fault,

Because I'm resisting it.

And I'm bad for resisting.

And if I could just stop resisting,

Then I wouldn't be suffering.

And I can't,

I can't make myself stop resisting it.

But for me,

What these tools do that we're talking about is help me soften a little bit and help me at least get on the path to letting go of the resistance or more realistically,

Having it having it kind of removed,

Because I can't make myself let go of stuff.

I can't make myself stop resisting.

But for whatever reason,

When I just accept the fact that I'm resisting,

There's so much more room for it to move through me instead of getting stuck.

You know,

For me,

It's like what what really helps like both Annie and Lindsay were talking about is to the way I would say it is trust the process to remember that I've been in places like this before where it felt like I could never grow or change or stretch myself to accommodate a tolerance for like this much whatever it is,

And I have,

You know,

There were times when I couldn't imagine not bingeing.

There are times when I couldn't imagine not drinking,

And I don't do those things today.

And so I remember that change is possible.

And I remember that if I keep putting one foot in front of the other and trusting this process of spiritual development,

Something will happen.

And another thing that I've been doing is when I feel down on myself,

I just ask for encouragement when I've been writing,

Like I've been talking about these personal essays,

And I feel great about it sometimes.

And I feel really disgusted by it other times.

And if you would like to hear,

I'm sorry,

If you'd like to read Ella's writings,

I highly recommend them.

You can go to medium.

Com medium.

Com.

I'm going to do it ready.

Yes slash at sign Ella dot Mark Antonio.

Oh my god,

I can't believe I just did that.

Yes.

Miracles.

When I write these pieces,

And I start feeling really grossed out by myself,

And I know that I need,

You know,

The kind of like attagirls that I can't offer myself,

I send my writing to people who are safe and encouraging.

Lindsay is like my biggest fan,

And I can't understand it,

But it helps me so much to send her something I wrote.

And she's just like,

She'll text me while reading it and like,

Type out the parts that she loves the most.

And it's just so sweet to be able to see I really need encouragement and have places I can go to get it that are actually like wholesome and safe.

So asking for encouragement really helps.

And the last thing I was thinking is how growth stretches us.

I don't know as much about this as I wish I did to use this metaphor right now.

But I'm sure pony can jump in and help when we grow our muscles,

They rip apart,

Like it's not a delicate,

Easy process.

It's like a kind of violent,

Stretching growth process.

And that's how it feels internally to me too.

It's like,

We are getting stretched to accommodate stuff that we couldn't accommodate before.

And of course,

It hurts like how would growth not hurt,

You know,

But what is miraculous to me today is that I'm not so afraid of pain.

I know that it hurts.

And I also know based on all of this experience that I can stand it,

You know,

Like even in the moments when I think I can't stand it,

Or it's too much or I'll be destroyed.

So far,

I'm still here like the feelings haven't killed me yet.

So for whatever that's worth,

We can like let ourselves be stretched in this way.

And I heard something a while ago that I loved so much,

Which is that spirituality isn't about self improvement,

Which is something I get confused about all the time,

That it's about self acceptance.

And I heard something even more next level than that yesterday,

Which is that spirituality isn't about self improvement.

It's about self abandonment.

And I was like,

My brain just exploded.

I love these so much.

I know,

Aren't they great?

And,

You know,

Ironically,

In the way that spirituality works,

We don't get to abandon ourselves by ignoring ourselves,

We get to like,

Let go of taking ourselves so personally or feeling so identified with ourselves by like,

Deeply loving and investigating our experience.

And so I just,

I love that it melted my brain.

I was like,

I don't understand,

But I know that's true.

And so I just wanted to share it.

Those are my tools.

Thanks.

So many quick fixes in there,

Right?

Yeah,

No big deal.

Settle in everybody.

We're on a spiritual journey.

Giddy up.

Thank you all so much for being with us.

We appreciate you.

I have a request.

We would love it if you like our show.

If you would rate and review us on whatever platform that you listen on,

It would help us so much whether it's Apple or Google Play or Insight Timer or whatever,

But it would mean a lot to us.

So thank you.

We love it and shout out to all our PR folks who are just on social media loving up on us and sharing us with their friends.

We appreciate it so much.

We need encouragement.

And your comments on Insight Timer,

We love them and people who message us on Instagram and who join us on our insta live videos.

It's really sweet.

Makes our whole day.

That's right.

You can go to www.

Prettyspiritualpodcast.

Com.

There's a say hi tab.

There's a tools page.

You can see all of these wonderful things that we have for you in one place.

You can find us on Instagram under the same name.

Slide us a DM,

Send us an email,

Join our gratitude list,

All of the things we'd love to hear from you.

And next time we are going to talk about self-awareness everybody.

Okay.

What is this?

How to get it?

Where am I right now?

Okay.

That's it.

Oh boy.

We love you.

Bye.

Bye Mini