In times of crisis and stress,
We usually find comfort in the connection we have with others.
Unfortunately,
In this crisis,
It is crucial that we maintain the discipline to practice social distancing.
That is,
That we avoid any unnecessary gathering.
In all likelihood,
Most of our connections over the next few weeks will be happening electronically.
So it is important that we do what we can to heighten the quality of communication.
For close connection,
We need to use phone,
Skype,
Zoom,
That is,
To make an effort to hear each other's voice and,
If possible,
To also see each other.
To further enhance the quality of communication,
I will describe an approach called active listening.
When you first try it,
You will likely feel a little awkward,
And it's normal because it's different from what you're accustomed to.
After you try it,
You will very likely appreciate the result.
So here are a few pointers on how to do it.
First,
You need to keep in mind that the two of you need to take turns,
One being a talker while the other is a listener,
And then you'll switch.
In ordinary life,
We tend to multitask,
That is,
We prepare our own arguments while we are listening.
That might work well enough in very ordinary conversations,
But is not enough when there is more emotional content.
So you need to make a plan.
For instance,
If you're going to be talking for half an hour,
You decide that one of you is going to be the talker for the first 15 minutes and the other will be the talker for the next 15 minutes.
If the two of you easily agree on which one starts,
Great,
But a very simple way to avoid any feelings about who starts is to toss a coin.
The second point is that the listener needs to be focused on trying to understand the talker.
By the way,
Understanding does not mean agreeing.
One of the major reasons which prevents us from truly listening and trying to understand is we're afraid that if we really understood somebody,
We'd have to give up our own opinions,
And this is not the case.
As a listener,
You are just trying to understand the talker's point of view from their point of view.
The third characteristic of active listener is that as the listener,
You give the talker a summary of what you've heard.
You don't wait until the full 15 or 20 minutes to do that.
You do it every couple of minutes,
Maybe every five minutes.
Sometimes it could be just a minute or so.
There's a natural rhythm that the two of you develop over time.
The fourth characteristic is that the listener pays attention to the summary and takes it in.
Then either nods in approval or say yes,
Or edits,
Amends by adding something that's important and was not picked up by the listener.
By the way,
If the talker adds something to what you as a listener have said,
This is not in any way demerit for you.
Very often,
This helps the talker really better understand what it is that was important to them.
So either way,
Either the talker is just nodding and nodding to what you're saying,
Or it's an opportunity for them to find something else.
In both cases,
It's good.
And you continue this way,
Talking,
Listening,
Summarizing,
Taking it in until the end of the allotted time for the listener.
And then you switch.
A sixth characteristic of active listening is that it involves pausing.
This is not a rapid fire,
Yakety yak,
Yakety yak type of conversation.
Pausing allows the new and informed to come up.
And this is what this kind of conversation is about.
So as the listener,
You take a pause before giving your summary to the talker.
As the listener,
You don't jump in every time the listener pauses.
Give them a chance,
Because maybe they're just waiting to say something more.
As a talker,
Don't feel like you have to fill the air with words.
It's OK if you take time without words while you're trying to sense what comes up next.
A final point about active listening is that you don't have to do it right.
The format encourages thoughtful give and take as part of a process.
So it is obvious that over time the two of you will learn by trial and error better ways to do this active listening.
