Saying No To Self-Criticism

Self-criticism expresses itself in many ways.

It can actually be a relatively useful tool when it is controlled,

As it helps us to become self-aware,

It acts as motivation for our personal growth and development.

This is when it is positive judgment,

Driven by wisdom,

Compassion,

Morality.

And it teaches us,

And it helps us.

It draws us closer to our practice,

To realizing our most powerful inner energy,

Our Buddha nature.

For many though,

This healthy balance of recognizing our flaws and using it as inspiration to move forward,

Just isn't there.

Too much self-criticism will,

Instead of being a driver for change,

Easily spiral us into grief or wallowing.

Negative thoughts such as,

I'm a failure,

I can't do this,

I don't deserve this,

Or it's hopeless for me,

I can never change.

They really hold us back and damage our mental wellbeing and our mental health.

And it takes its toll physically on us too,

You know,

With tiredness,

Low energy.

So these statements,

Or these thoughts,

They're in no way useful,

Self-criticism.

It's the inner critic,

It's not judgment driven by wisdom.

And the inner critic may also drive us to our practice.

You know,

It might motivate us,

But it comes entwined with a story that we're telling ourselves.

A story that tells us that we can't do it,

We're not worthy,

That we can't change,

What's the point?

And so this feeling of not being good enough is endemic,

It's very common.

Millions of people are plagued with the thoughts of not being pretty enough,

Productive enough,

Intelligent enough,

Of just winging their way through life with no idea how or why they've got where they have,

And feeling like they don't deserve it,

They don't deserve any of the success that they've had.

You know,

This feeling of imposter syndrome,

Like,

I don't know how I landed the job I landed and I shouldn't be doing this job.

So this self-critical mind,

This judging mind,

Is powered purely by our mental afflictions,

Our klesha,

These anxieties,

Worries,

Anger,

Jealousy.

It's driven by our attachment for some things,

Our aversion to others,

And our misunderstanding of the true nature of self and the world around us.

And like any mental affliction,

This self-critical mind,

Which causes us so much pain,

Which destroys our inner peace and poisons our practice,

It requires courage,

Self-compassion,

And the same level of engagement and investigation as we give any other mental affliction.

And that's a calm,

Patient mind.

Because avoiding it,

Suppressing it,

Or trying to block it out by distracting ourselves with TV,

Alcohol,

Or whatever,

It doesn't work.

You know,

We've tried that before.

So,

The first step to understanding what we can do about self-criticism is to ask ourselves,

Where is it coming from?

How does self-criticism arise?

Well,

Ultimately,

The Buddha would say that it arises from our holding onto this idea of self,

This I,

The ego,

As a solid,

Living,

Permanent thing,

You know,

Almost separate from our body and our mind.

And this self that we see as permanent and solid,

We want to protect it at all costs.

But then something interesting happens here.

In order to protect itself from failure,

From making a fool of ourselves,

We unconsciously focus on all the negative things we've ever done,

Every time it didn't go so well.

We compare ourselves to others and see how well they seem to be handling things,

How well they seem to be doing in life,

And then we label ourselves by comparison as a failure,

You know,

A pale comparison.

And we see that solid self as not deserving of success,

Of being unable to change.

But the self isn't a permanent phenomenon.

It is changing from moment to moment.

Everything is.

Would you say that you are the same person you were five,

Ten,

Twenty years ago?

Do you have the same beliefs?

Do you prioritize the same things?

Chances are that you have changed.

And upon a deeper investigation,

Through the practice of vipassana,

On the four close applications of mindfulness and so on,

We start to check and discover that this self actually is quite elusive,

And it doesn't belong in the body,

The mind,

The feelings.

There's no one solid thing that we can sort of label as self,

I or mine.

And instead this collection of things is always in motion,

Always changing,

Moment to moment,

Never the same.

And the truth is,

About self-criticism,

You know,

We actually do most things well.

You know,

We're here now,

We're alive,

We've made it to this point.

And sure,

Through lack of experience or talent in some areas,

We might not do as well.

But that's not about us being not good enough.

And this not feeling good enough,

And being overly critical of ourselves,

It's a sign of having low self-esteem.

And many of us have some low self-esteem,

But it manifests itself in various degrees for different people.

You know,

For some,

Everything they do is a failure,

Is not good enough,

And for others it's only certain situations.

But whatever degree we have it,

We need to bring some balance to that bias for negativity.

And here I'm going to propose two ways,

And then in the next episode I'm going to guide a meditation on the same topic.

So the first is the direct opposite,

You know,

Curating and focusing on the positive,

The achievements,

The compliments.

And the other is a process of releasing the self-critical mind through meditation,

Over and over again,

Breaking the habit over time.

So then first,

How can we start to bring balance by focusing on the positive?

The first step would be to not only mentally,

But physically make the intention to keep track of our accomplishments.

Instead of focusing on your shortcomings,

Start acknowledging all the things you're doing well,

Either through some sort of diary,

A notebook,

Even an excel if that's what you prefer.

Write your accomplishments down,

Start yourself off by trying to create a list of 50 things you've accomplished in your life to date.

These can be big things or even small things,

But try to come up with at least 50.

And this will help you see how well you've already done.

And then,

At the end of every day,

Take a few moments just to add to that list.

Maybe you didn't feel like you achieved anything today,

But did you wake up on time?

Did you eat healthy?

Did you go out for a walk?

Did you brush your teeth?

Perhaps you took some me time,

Whatever it was,

You know,

If it's an achievement for you,

Because what's an achievement for one person,

You know,

Might not be an achievement for someone else.

We have different lives and so we have different accomplishments,

We have different achievements.

So if it's an achievement for you,

Whatever it is,

Write it down.

And the idea here is not to just start putting more weight on the positive,

But to cultivate some kindness towards yourself,

Some respect.

Another tip could be to learn to accept compliments well,

You know,

To not brush them off or tell someone,

Oh,

I don't deserve that,

Or,

You know,

Oh,

It's all because of someone else.

Learn to just say thank you.

To really take that compliment,

So not think that the other person has malicious intent,

But to make note of it and appreciate the compliment that you've been given,

Because you deserve it.

And that compliment was meant especially for you.

You could even keep track of these compliments in the same place as your achievements.

And although,

You know,

This might seem a bit odd at first,

It will help you really take into consideration the positivity,

The love,

The respect that there is in life for you and the respect that you deserve.

And then practically,

You know,

What can we do to get some relief from the self-critical mind when it's got us held tightly?

Well,

Let your first act be one of loving kindness towards yourself.

A recognition that you are by nature peaceful,

Loving and joyful.

Your first act should be one of patience,

Acceptance and non-attachment.

You know,

This self-critical mental state arises in your mind,

But it is not you.

It is not your true nature.

It is temporary,

Like a cloud which temporarily appears in the vast expansive sky of mind.

From here,

With a sort of non-attachment,

From self-critical thoughts and an acceptance of them and an allowing of them to be,

We can look at them directly in the eye,

Mindfully,

Moment to moment,

Attend to the self-critical thoughts.

We may see that even the act of simply noticing and catching these negative thoughts in the act,

They begin to lose their power.

And then from here,

There are many approaches.

We can try to attend to the referent of the thoughts themselves.

We can investigate the underlying beliefs of low self-esteem,

A lack of self-love.

We can look at them and we can see that these thoughts are actually,

They're really truthful.

They really account for the whole picture.

Instead,

This self-critical mind fixates upon small specific details about us,

You know,

Or events for our past.

It exaggerates them.

It focuses only on them and labels them as the only truth.

Another complementary approach is to look at the nature of the thoughts themselves.

See them for what they are.

Monitor the space of the mind and see how these thoughts arise,

How they dissolve.

And when they abide,

Do they have any shape?

Do they have size?

Do they have color?

And we'll start to see that these thoughts in themselves have no power to harm us.

If we don't follow them,

If we don't believe in them,

If we don't attach ourselves to them,

And we can see the relationship between awareness and thoughts,

Emotions,

Other mental objects,

We can see that we have the power to control how we feel by choosing which thoughts to act upon and which thoughts to let go of.

In the Sufi tradition,

It's suggested that our thoughts should pass through three gates.

At the first gate we ask,

Is it true?

If so,

We let the thought pass through to the second gate,

Where we ask,

Is it necessary or useful?

If this also is so,

We let the thought continue on its way to the third gate,

Where we ask,

Is this thought rooted in love and kindness?

And thoughts that come from the self-critical mind,

Which are neither true,

Helpful,

Nor kind,

Will stumble at the gates.