Dear Grief Guide, I Need To Cry But I Can't

Hello and welcome to Dear Grief Guide,

A podcast where each week I answer one anonymous letter from a listener feeling lost,

Stuck,

Heartbroken,

Or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.

My name is Shelby Forsythia.

I'm a grief coach and author,

And I'm here to help you create a life you love from the life loss forced you to live.

Let's get to today's letter.

Dear Grief Guide,

It's been a year and eight months since my mom passed away.

Since her death,

I have only cried two or three times.

I have a 20-year-old daughter,

And I'm 58.

I don't want her to see me depressed,

But she knows,

And she even tells me that she understands and encourages me to express it.

I need to cry,

But I can't.

I feel so tired with no energy.

I know I need to take out all the pain I feel,

And I don't know how.

I miss my mom so much,

But I need to be strong for my daughter.

How can I handle this?

I hope you'll answer my letter soon.

Thank you so much.

Signed,

Brink of Tears.

Hi there Brink of Tears,

And thank you for such a simple question.

How do I cry?

I need to cry,

But I can't.

I know you feel as if you need to be strong for your daughter.

Those words are very clear in what you wrote,

But I think sometimes children carry a different kind of wisdom than their parents.

In her own way,

Your 20-year-old daughter is telling you that you do not need to be strong for her,

That she is,

With the gentlest of red pens,

Crossing through that story that you told yourself,

Putting a line right through it,

I need to be strong for my daughter.

Mom,

You don't.

She's telling you through her own words that she understands,

That she encourages you to express your grief,

That instead of strength and stoicism,

What she needs from you is expression and emotion and release.

So if that is the thing that's standing in your way,

I do not want to have my daughter see me break down.

Know that she is asking you to.

She is telling you that that is what she needs.

And there are so many studies of grieving people,

Of grieving people with children of all ages,

That demonstrate children feel so much closer to us when we show them how we really feel.

After someone we love dies,

Then hide our true feelings away and try to be strong.

Or pretend that we've got it all together.

Or that nothing's really wrong.

Or that we're okay.

Kids I think,

Of all ages,

Can see through the mask that their parents put on.

I don't know if this has ever been true with your own parents.

Brink of tears.

When,

If ever,

Did you see your parents hide their pain or their grief and you knew that something else was deeper than that,

And you wish they would have just expressed their emotions about what was going on,

If they'd have cried or been angry or just said how they were really feeling,

Disappointed,

Fragile,

Powerless.

I know there are so many times in my own life when my mom lost her father,

And again when she lost her best friend,

And when my dad's grandfather,

Who was practically a father and a mentor to him his whole childhood,

Died.

And I saw so,

So little of their pain,

And as a result I felt I knew so little of their relationship with them,

Or their care for them.

Yeah,

I wish that was true.

So I wonder if in your daughter's language you can open yourself to seeing what she's actually asking of you.

What she's telling you she needs.

She needs a mom,

Maybe not who cries,

If that's not something you're comfortable with,

But a mom who expresses her grief.

And that could just be saying,

I miss my mom so much today,

Or this reminds me so much of my mom,

Or look at that photo,

Or look at your smile,

Or look at this thing coming up on the calendar.

My mom would have loved this.

How can she be woven into your life in ways that she's not right now,

So that your daughter can see your care for her?

Because it's clear in her words that she understands your pain,

And her encouragement of you to express it,

That she is craving more from you.

Also what I want to share with you,

Brink of Tears,

Is that tears aren't the only way to release grief.

I think that society says,

Or believes,

That the amount you cry is equal to the amount you care.

But as somebody who did not shed a single tear at my mother's memorial,

It did not mean I didn't give a shit.

There are other ways of measuring your love,

And your longing,

And your care for somebody who's died.

And I think it goes beyond tears.

A lot of people say,

I need to cry,

I haven't cried,

I need to cry,

I haven't cried,

I haven't shed a single tear,

I don't know what's wrong with me.

If you're not really a crier before grief,

Sometimes grief doesn't change that.

Sometimes it can.

I have seen people,

Or I've heard clients say things like,

Wow,

Grief made me a crier,

I never really cried before,

And now I'm crying all the time.

But a lot of times,

Who you are before grief,

Grief just amplifies that.

So if you are not a crying person before loss,

You may not be one now.

There might be something else your body,

Your brain,

Your heart,

Your mind,

Your spirit are longing to do that is not tear-required,

Or tear-adjacent.

For instance,

Instead of how much can you cry,

You might ask yourself,

How much can I write?

How much can I sing,

Or yell,

Or scream,

Or sigh?

I'm implying getting things out through the breath,

Or through the lungs.

How much can I dance if I'm a dancer?

How much can I move my body if I'm a person who likes movement?

How much can I punch a pillow if I need to express rage?

How many plates can I break?

If anger is my preferred expression,

How many things can I shatter?

Safely.

But how many things can I shatter?

Expression of grief takes so,

So many forms,

And tears are not the only measure that you give a crap.

So permission,

If you need it,

To release the expectation of tears,

And to invite in other forms of expression that allow pain to come up and out without the expectation that you must cry,

Because that can feel very rigid and very confining.

I will say,

Though,

Flip side of the coin,

If you are looking to cry,

If you are looking to spark tears in yourself,

I know that so many grieving people rely on music and movies and TV shows that get them to emotional places.

I have favorite movies that I go when I get there.

My boss at my very first job in Chicago loved,

Loved watching members of the military reunite with their dogs after they came back from service,

Because the unconditional love between these two living creatures just absolutely brought her to tears.

And joyful tears turn into sad tears,

Which then turn into joyful tears again.

She had a lot of experiences of the tears as she was having them.

And my personal tearjerker right now,

My flavor of preferred,

How do I get tears out ASAP,

Is watching girlfriends cheer each other on when they're running races,

When they're running marathons.

My very best friend who died in 2022 ran two marathons here in Chicago,

And cheering her on was one of the highlights of life.

And so to watch other women in their 20s and 30s cheering on their friends who are doing these really hard things,

That always gets to me.

And I wonder if you have something similar like that,

That sparks tears in you,

Or hits that very soft emotional place in your heart.

It could be animals,

It could be people supporting each other,

It could be random acts of kindness,

It could be seeing flowers grow in a place that has been burned or survived an earthquake.

It really could be anything.

But I encourage you,

If that's something that resonates with you,

To go seek that out.

Or in another vein,

If you're feeling brave,

You might ask your daughter,

Because she seems to be such a big part of your life,

What she would like to know about your mom.

And to use storytelling for her,

For her benefit,

As a window into pulling up emotions in you.

For instance,

Talking about your mom's favorite meal,

Or a time when your mom was really proud of you,

Or a way maybe,

If you're feeling super vulnerable or interested in sharing,

A way that you fear maybe you've disappointed your mom and what you wish you could say to her now.

Or maybe the things of your mom that you see in your daughter,

Whether or not you're biologically related to her,

Or things that you're proud of your daughter for,

That you wish your mom could see.

There are so many conversations you could have that tie your mom in,

That fold her in to what is already happening in your relationship with your daughter,

And just organically could spark some sort of tears or some sort of emotion.

And or,

Helping your daughter feel like she is connected to you and your mother and your grief.

When your daughter says,

I understand that you're sad,

I get the depression,

And it's okay that you express it,

I want that for you,

Maybe even to ask your daughter,

What do you mean?

What would you like to see from me as I grieve more than anything?

What do you wish I would do or could do with my grief?

Or,

And said another way,

If you could wave a magic wand,

And I could express my grief in any way,

What would that look like for you?

And maybe experiment with ways you could do that together.

Maybe it's going for a grief walk together,

Pointing out things that remind you of your mom.

Maybe it's creating a piece of art together,

Or watching a griefy movie together,

Or a movie that your mother loved,

Like how,

How many ways can you tie your mom into your relationship so you don't feel this pressure to be strong for her,

And in a sense close her off from access to you or your grief or your relationship to your mom,

Because I sense to your daughter that feels like a deprivation of sorts,

Of knowing her grandmother,

Of knowing you as a mother and as a grieving person,

And of knowing so much about the relationship and the significance of the three of you as women in a shared family.

I also want to encourage you,

And this is the last thing I'll share,

To pick up a copy of my book,

Your Grief,

Your Way.

It's a daily devotional,

Non-religious,

That gives you 366 exercises for moving through life after loss and remembering somebody you love who's died.

Again,

If you're feeling brave,

Pick up two copies and you and your daughter can read through it together.

There's an entry from July 18th that's one of my favorites,

And it's an exercise for people who live in the same household.

So if you still live with your daughter or she comes to visit often or you visit her,

Maybe this is something you can do together.

This is from July 18th in my book,

Your Grief,

Your Way.

It reads,

Make your home a safe place for grief.

Using a large piece of construction paper or a legal pad,

Create a list of house rules for grief.

These can be as simple as,

We are allowed to cry about anything without explanation,

And no judging or advice giving allowed.

You can also make your house rules silly or personal,

Such as,

Whoever uses the last tissue has to go out and buy some more,

Or no one sits at daddy's place at the table.

When you're done making your list of house rules,

Tack it to the refrigerator or bulletin board for all to see.

Then abide by them with empathy and love.

So brink of tears,

There are so many ways to move through and express your grief.

I think your daughter is smart and wise in asking you to express your grief to her.

I think she's telling you that she can handle,

Or is looking forward to handling,

However your grief comes out.

She encourages you to express it.

She's telling you in her own way,

I am strong enough to handle this.

To see this,

I want to know this version of my mother,

Who is grieving her mother.

Your challenge then,

Is to let her see that,

However that resonates with you.

To watch movies,

TV,

Listen to music,

That brings out and brings on tears for you.

To find alternatives to tears,

If that,

If tears don't resonate with you,

If tears are not your thing,

They're not for a lot of grieving people.

To find other ways to express your grief,

And maybe even to kind of,

For lack of a better phrase,

Grief book club together with your daughter.

To turn grief into a shared experience,

Whether you actually read my book,

Your Grief,

Your Way,

Or you do some sort of other shared activity on a regular basis,

Once a week,

Once a month,

Three times a year,

I don't care what it is,

That encourages both of you,

That opens the door to these conversations on loss and grief,

Because it sounds like in this time where you and your heart have just been shredded to bits,

She wants nothing more,

Your daughter wants nothing more than to be close to you,

Than to see you set yourself free from this expectation to be strong.

May you know that you can,

And may you know that she is right beside you the whole way.

Both your daughter and your mom.

So many blessings to all of you.