104. Don’t Be Afraid To Want More: How To Embrace Desire

Any relationship that's important to you,

Whether it's with your partner,

With your spouse,

With your children,

With your family,

With your friends,

Make sure that it's balanced.

Welcome to Spiritually Hungry Summer Series.

Today we're going to talk about sugar.

Oh,

I love sugar.

Actually,

We're not.

We're going to talk about a time I went to the sugar factory.

You do love sugar.

Not as much as I used to.

Let's not go off topic.

I'm sure you have a lot to say.

For me,

One of the greatest gifts of having children is getting to experience the world through their eyes.

So this is a lesson our youngest,

Abigail,

Taught me not too long ago.

And it came to be that she taught me what it means to set boundaries,

How to be in balance with how we give and receive,

And that people pleasing is an unnecessary and ultimately futile endeavor.

She taught me all of that when she was five.

So I think she's always been like this.

She wants others to be happy and okay,

And she wants it for herself as well.

And I think most of us- Whenever most common phrases is like yesterday,

The day before we went to a clothing store.

Yeah,

I'm good.

Exactly.

We went to a clothing store and she looked through the clothing and I really want to get her something.

And I said,

You want this?

You want that?

No,

I'm okay.

I'm good.

I'm good.

I'm okay.

So not only that,

But she has no problem expressing her feelings,

Needs,

Or desires.

In fact,

I witnessed that she feels powerful in doing so.

And I think that that's why this moment really struck me because you can be okay and you can work to make others okay at the same time and it's not a zero sum game.

And I think very often we think we have to choose between those two.

If somebody else has a different desire than we have,

Who do we put first?

How do we navigate that?

And sometimes we do,

Right?

Sometimes you can,

Sometimes you can't.

Right.

But most people struggle with this.

So a little while back,

It was her birthday and she wanted to go to the Sugar Factory and at that time it was the most Instagrammed restaurant upon opening.

Now I typically avoid sugar altogether,

So I wasn't really excited by her choice.

And it's also very cold and loud inside.

Like the kind of you need to scream to have a conversation loud,

Which I don't enjoy either.

And I asked her if we could go to a different restaurant,

Admittedly one that I liked more.

And I sweetened the deal by choosing a restaurant that was right across the street from the American Doll Store,

Which I mentioned that we could go to this other restaurant and then we could go to the American Doll Store right across the street.

And she replied calmly,

OK,

But can we do both?

It was clear that she wanted me to have what I wanted and still expressed her desire.

She somehow understood compromise and healthy boundaries.

And the end,

Of course,

We went to the Sugar Factory because I'm not selfish.

And it was her birthday and her joy is my joy.

I bet you there are parents though.

No judgment.

I'm just saying I would.

I could not and I would regret that choice.

Abigail came into the world this way with the full belief in the fact that she is deserving.

And this is something that many of us had to learn.

Again,

Maybe she takes after you here,

But I did not come into the world that way to claim what we desire.

We first have to believe that we're deserving of it.

So I think this is an interesting idea to sacrificing.

People get confused.

That's the word that I'm looking for,

Really,

Because sometimes we sacrifice what we want in order to make others happy or smooth out situations.

And that only leads to resentment.

When second,

Let me finish,

Michael.

And while many of us understand that sacrifice interrupting me,

That's a great idea.

While many of us understand that this kind of self-worth is important in theory,

It is hard to practice.

And I'm going to tell you why,

But I'll let you have a word here.

I was going to say there are times where it's the right thing to sacrifice for others.

Yes,

But not if you do it repeatedly in a romantic relationship,

For instance.

It depends why.

It depends how often.

It's so many things.

Exactly.

So let's unpack this.

Unhealthy sacrifice is like this.

Maybe we think that by sacrificing our needs this time,

Other people will see our sacrifice and approve of or accept us,

Making us worthy of asking for what we want next time.

So I think the key here is when you sacrifice,

Ask yourself why you're doing it and what you expect to get in return.

Because we always have an agenda or an expectation usually.

Unless it's pure sharing,

Right?

Which is not the usual.

I accept that.

It's not the norm.

But it is a beautiful place to be at times.

Yes.

It's also hard to practice because we have self-criticism.

Perhaps we believe that if we criticize ourselves enough,

We'll stay in control of how people see us.

If we're constantly monitoring ourselves,

Weighing it against whether people approve of us or not,

We can feel in control of our image and our life.

So that's another reason why we put others first.

And then there's the shame of wanting.

By the way,

I think what you're saying is both of those are not the place to be.

Correct.

And this third part is not the place to be either.

And that is the shame of wanting and fear of not getting what we ask for.

So the most common part of this idea is that by never communicating what we desire,

We'll sidestep the disappointment,

Rejection or shame that can come with being denied.

We never ask for it,

Then we won't get hurt.

And I think a lot of people live this way.

They kind of play it safe,

But really they're not getting a lot in return.

So on the positive,

Right?

Giving to others and watching their joy is a huge part of what makes sharing beautiful.

And obviously as Kabbalists,

This is what we practice.

This is what we preach.

The question is why you're doing it.

And I think what you're saying is that.

.

.

It should never be at the expense of your own joy.

But that's.

.

.

Do you hear what I'm saying?

Because I think it can't be really.

Not if it's something that's.

.

.

Again,

I guess it's a tricky thing because why.

.

.

What is bringing you joy?

Is it something that's selfish?

Is it something that harms somebody else?

But I guess if it's something that is damaging to you.

The word that I would use is balance,

Right?

Because unfortunately we do know people who are in their mind sacrificing,

But in reality they're not doing it from the right place.

They're not allowing themselves ever to.

.

.

Or at least not enough to experience their own joy.

So I think the question is where it's coming from and is it balanced?

I think it is right and okay periodically to say,

I will sacrifice joy.

For instance,

I wanted to do this.

My kid wants to do this.

I'm going to.

.

.

Because of my love for them,

I will enjoy what they want even though I had this other plan.

But if that's a consistent theme and certainly with a romantic partner where one is never getting what they want,

Then obviously it's in balance.

So I think rather.

.

.

But I think to Abigail's point,

I think it's important to be able to say,

Let's do both or I want this for you,

But I also want this for me.

I think it's important to voice what your desires are and be able to ask for them.

It doesn't mean that it's always the way to go,

But I think the lesson here for me was,

Wow,

There's a beautiful way to do this.

And she held her space.

And I think far too often as we get older,

That gets more and more muddied.

Right,

Right.

And it's in balance.

I think that's.

.

.

And it really goes down to how honest we're being with ourselves.

And again,

You're talking about kids,

But I think often in romantic relationships,

This is where it gets really messed up.

Where a person goes down a road of quote unquote sacrifice,

But really what it is is,

Oh my God,

I don't want to lose this person,

For example.

So like what people do often on dates,

Oh,

There's like jokes around this.

I can't remember right now.

Oh,

I love that restaurant.

Oh,

I love that band.

They hate that restaurant.

They hate the band,

But they really want to go on this date and they really want their date to like them.

But unfortunately,

And I guess it's okay to lie one or two lies when you're going on dates,

But if that becomes a theme in a relationship or in a marriage,

Then a person is really denying who they are.

They're not being honest with themselves.

They're not being honest with their partner.

And then what can happen,

And we've seen this happen over years,

Is that a person then suddenly we accept like for the past five years,

The past 10 years of our marriage,

I've just done what you asked or mostly done.

There's real resentment.

So what I would.

Well,

Also people do that sometimes with kids.

One wants and one doesn't.

Oh,

For sure.

And they say,

Okay,

You know,

I just,

I love you so much.

I want to marry you and it's okay if I don't have kids.

And then often,

You know,

10 years later and or when they're longer able to have children,

They're like,

Oh my God,

I have so much regret.

So I would,

So I think what the point you're making,

Which is so important is that have these conversations with yourself,

Any relationship that's important to you,

Whether it's with your partner,

With your spouse,

With your children,

With your family,

With your friends,

Make sure that it's balanced.

The balance of giving and receiving.

Balance of giving and receiving and make sure that when you are sacrificing,

Which is not a great word,

But when you are giving up of something you want to do for the sake of somebody else,

That it's coming from the right place because it could too often can often come from the wrong place.

And if it's coming with the wrong place,

You're going into a dynamic that is not ultimately going to be positive for the relationship or for your life.

Right.

So I think that now is again in the summer,

More people are spending time with their family and friends.

Hopefully it's also time to assess the proper balance of relationships,

The proper balance of sacrifice,

The giving and receiving relationships ultimately,

Because if you want these relationships to be thriving and fulfilling for you and the other person,

Then you have to be asking these questions and often a time rebalancing or at least having these conversations.

Hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it.

And I hope that you take the time over the summer to balance the relationships so that again,

Most importantly,

You can truly,

The important ones,

Truly continue to grow and thrive.

Stay spiritually hungry.