78. Growing Up Together: 9 Ways To Instill Wisdom In Our Youth & Ourselves

As a general rule,

Certainly the developed world,

Everything has become more comfortable.

And I think that is probably one of the core reasons and difficulties that causes this Peter Pan syndrome.

Welcome to the Spiritually Hungry Podcast,

Episode 78.

Wow.

Michael,

It's story time.

I love stories.

But it's one you already know.

Let's see if you can guess it.

I know what it is.

No,

You don't.

What is it?

I have no idea.

A free spirited and mischievous young boy who can fly and never grows up.

His shadow escapes from him and he chases it.

His fairy friend is named.

.

.

Tinkerbell.

There you go.

His name is.

.

.

Peter Pan.

There you go.

It shouldn't take that long.

Peter Pan spends his never-ending childhood having adventures on the mythical island of Neverland as the leader of the Lost Boys,

Interacting with fairies,

Pirates,

Mermaids,

And occasionally ordinary children from the real world.

He's the boy who never wants to grow up.

He's an iconic character and he also is the muse for psychologist Dan Kiley,

Who coined the term Peter Pan syndrome after working with teenage boys who had struggled to grow into adult men.

The characteristics of the Peter Pan syndrome are as follows.

Chronic unemployment or underemployment.

An otherwise capable person may refuse to look for jobs.

They may be constantly fired due to absenteeism or misbehavior.

Or they have jobs that are far below their potential.

Another attribute is not doing one's fair share at home.

A person might get married and have children but spend most of their days playing video games while their partners work,

Clean,

Or tend to the children.

I did not marry a Peter Pan.

Relying on someone else to take care of financial responsibilities is another.

A person with Peter Pan syndrome might rely on others to take care of all money issues without contributing something of value in return.

And lastly,

Failure to launch.

Choosing to remain at home with their parents in spite of opportunities to earn money,

Get a job,

Or move out.

Kiley also posited the following factors are likely contributors to the development of the syndrome.

Anxiety,

Loneliness,

Fear of commitment,

Fear of death,

Lack of healthy functioning adult role models,

Helicopter parenting,

Unresolved trauma,

And mental illness.

And I bring this list up because there are things that can be done actually when children are young or teenagers or they're becoming,

You know,

Going into adulthood.

These kinds of things can be addressed and we're going to discuss some of that today.

Kiley claimed the refusal to grow up is primarily a male affliction.

Sorry,

Men.

He also believed women who mother their male partners,

A complex he dubbed the Wendy Dilemma,

May enable these men to continue avoiding adult responsibilities.

And we know many young adults,

Regardless of their gender,

That experience failure to launch.

And I think we see that especially in today's youth more than before.

And I do have signs to back that up.

So recently,

Right,

We had dinner with our kids and it was a nice dinner.

And we usually have,

I mean,

We always have dinner conversation and it usually strikes us to being inspired.

And here we are discussing it today.

So and thankfully,

I can say that we don't have Peter Pan syndrome children,

But two of our kids fall into the young adult demographic.

And our conversation was centered on how to navigate finding your purpose and choosing the right career path.

And I think what stood out most to both of us was the difference in motivation specifically between the two of our four kids specifically.

And all of us have different intrinsic and extra extrinsic motivations driving our everyday choices and actions.

But for them,

It was their complete opposite.

You know,

While one is very,

Very driven and ambitious and it really matters to be kind of in the rat race,

I would say the other one is,

You know,

Very talented also,

But could take it or leave it is more on the side of of comfort than.

Drive.

Yes.

Yes.

And every generation criticizes the one before.

And I'm not saying that our kids do this,

But just generally speaking and every every older generation looks upon the younger with similar judgment.

So what are they all complaining about?

We can talk about millennials and Gen Z'er generations specifically have gotten this reputation of delaying adulthood,

Resisting growing up,

Failing to meet our expectations of what it means to be a functioning adult.

So I want to ask you,

Do you think there's more of a Peter Pan problem now than ever before?

Or do you believe this is just the age old cycle of every generation judges the one that follows?

That's a very good question that I.

It is a good question.

Yeah,

I know I could answer it.

I need to do a lot of research so I don't have any quick answer to that.

And you'll have some homework.

Yes,

Some homework.

But all I would say is that you do hear a lot of of people younger of the younger generation either coming back to home or staying at home,

Not just from sort of anecdotally from people that we know,

But also in the press.

And it's scary because then they're like 30 and it's like they're not kids anymore.

But it's still that.

I was going to say what's funny because the paradox between Peter Pan,

Which is,

You know,

Such a relatively joyous idea and what it actually means for these poor kids.

Right.

I think it's kind of a stark difference.

But the point is,

It seems again,

From what you read,

From what you see,

It does seem that it is more prevalent today.

And I would think that part of that is that as society becomes more comfortable.

Right.

A hundred years ago,

We did not have the comforts that we have today.

200 years ago.

I mean,

You know,

Imagine before,

You know,

Running water and sewage systems and sort of the comforts that we take for granted today.

And I think as technology continues to develop and the world becomes,

Of course,

There's a third world and world that countries that are still developing underdeveloped.

But as a general rule,

Certainly the developed world,

Everything has become more comfortable.

And I think that is probably one of the core reasons and difficulties that causes this Peter Pan syndrome.

Yeah,

I do want to get into that because I do have some scientific facts about Gen Zers,

Gen Xers.

It's really quite interesting.

It's not that long.

But first,

I want to just touch upon,

Because I think this is kind of the umbrella for all of this,

Is the Kabbalistic view into adulthood,

Because that's really what we're talking about.

Right.

How do you successfully transition into adulthood?

And I often speak about,

You know,

Certain stages where a child should start to think about the needs of a parent where,

You know,

When they come into the world,

Though,

It's exactly the opposite.

They can't survive without a parent thinking of their every need,

Anticipating it and providing it.

But at some point,

There needs to be a switch.

And that happens sooner than later for some.

Some it doesn't happen at all.

But there's even more than that.

But let's start Kabbalistically.

Because I think the Kabbalistic perspective on the soul's evolution from childhood to young adulthood is particularly interesting and very relevant.

So according to Kabbalah,

When a child comes into the world,

The aspect of soul known as nafesh,

Which is crude spirit,

Right,

Is activated.

This aspect is governed by the consciousness of pure receiving and motivates the child from birth until age 13 for boys and 12 for girls.

And we can go into why that age is significant.

If you write into us and you want to hear more about that,

We will we will go into unless you want to add to that,

Michael.

Adolescence begins at age 13 and the aspect of soul called Ruach fires up.

Now we feel the urge to earn and achieve,

But it's based on a reactive impulse.

We begin to understand the concept of sharing,

But don't yet have the strength to share outside of our comfort zone.

And again,

I think it's really important to mention all these because there needs to be a transition,

Right,

A launch at some point into something else.

From age 20 and onward,

We gain the ability to begin to direct our consciousness towards self transformation,

If you so choose.

It's at this time,

You may gain the clarity that the only path to lasting fulfillment comes via our own spiritual efforts.

This consciousness is channeled through the aspect of soul called Nishama,

The highest and purest level of soul.

So on a soul level during the phase of young adulthood,

Which is basically 20 to 25,

We're beginning to wake up this new understanding.

And on some level,

It varies in degrees,

Depending on the person and I guess their circumstances or their upbringing.

We understand change and growth are necessary and essential to our happiness.

And now how do we go about pursuing that change in growth becomes the question,

Potentially the question that weighs heavily on young people,

Consciously or unconsciously making it difficult to know how to best move forward.

And I think that's part of the reason where and why children get lost at this stage or they get distracted or sometimes they get involved with the wrong things,

Because this is really a hard transition.

And if you're not given guidance and you don't have clarity and you're not even given the permission to fail,

To make mistakes and also to invest time in just discovering what it is that drives you or lights you up,

Then the pursuit is it's how we're raised.

I'm going to go to school so I can make money.

There's actually five different indicators that are commonly understood that are markers for adulthood.

To Nishiwon's education,

Leaving home,

Finding work,

Finding a life partner and having children.

Now that's the indication.

And that's what we the feedback we get of what's important.

The pursuit is going to be very different than what maybe it should be,

Like questions of what makes me happy.

How can I give back to the world?

What is my ultimate potential?

Right.

It's a completely different way of viewing it.

And and that's why I'm really excited about this conversation today,

Because I think those are the things that I want the youth,

But also parents or adults,

Or even if you never went through this yourself,

To ask yourself these kinds of questions so you can make the right choices going forward.

Right.

So I would focus initially,

At least,

On something that maybe to you and I,

Because we're so involved and have been involved in the spiritual pursuit for quite some time,

It's so obvious.

But in speaking to parents,

It's to me almost crazy how much this idea is not something that is permeating our children's childhood,

At least in the conversations in the home.

And first is the idea that we came into this world to change,

Because I think most people,

Even if they're thinking about their life,

And this is part of the conversation that came up at dinner,

What do I want to do?

What will make me happy?

Important questions.

I'm not saying they're not important questions.

That direction of questions,

While important and necessary in the whole assessment,

Misses the most important.

I just want to clarify one thing,

Because I'm trying to hear it as our listeners would.

So it's hard for especially younger people to hear the idea that the purpose of life is to change,

Because they're at that stage of life trying to accept themselves,

Right?

So now,

What am I supposed to change?

I'm supposed to love myself.

I know what you mean.

I just wanted to clarify it a little bit.

I don't know why you're smiling.

But you can share.

But I didn't finish the idea yet.

I know.

I just want to talk about this idea of change,

Though.

It's about identifying your potential,

Right?

And of course,

To do that,

There needs to be some kind of change.

It's the switch from thinking just about yourself alone to something greater.

Is that what you're saying?

Because change is a word that can be misunderstood,

Especially when we're talking about this age.

Well,

Add to that.

By the way,

I didn't interrupt you.

I was trying to help you be clarifying the word change,

Because people don't like that word.

So,

In Kabbalistic terms,

We talk about change as it relates to another ancient word called tikkun,

Correction,

Which means the understanding that,

First of all,

We do not all come into this world the same.

As a matter of fact,

Not one person is in any way really the same as another.

And part of the reason we're in this world is because there are things that we need to,

We call it correct,

Change.

And ultimately,

We will never be happy unless we're in the pursuit of that change.

So there's a very big difference between accepting yourself for who you are,

Where you are,

The good and the less good.

That's one thing.

It is important to accept yourself.

But at the same time,

The message,

And this is,

I'm talking to myself,

And I'm also talking to my kids,

And I'm also talking to our listeners,

And hopefully to their kids.

You want to really be happy in life?

That is not going to happen.

No matter how much you pursue your dreams,

Which is important,

Absolutely,

If you're not at the same time focusing inward on what needs to change.

So for example,

And again- What needs to be developed?

Changed.

I'll give myself as an example.

Growing up,

I had many dreams.

You did?

Tell me about it.

I did have many dreams.

Yes,

Yes.

I wanted to study.

You were doing that.

Yes,

I know.

I wanted to study more.

I wanted to deepen my understanding.

I wanted to deepen my spiritual,

Many,

Many things.

But I was by nature an introvert,

By nature shy,

By nature averse to being with large groups.

That was the nature with which I was born.

Now,

Having had the ability to study this wisdom from a young age,

And hearing this wisdom from my parents,

I knew when I was really at 12 and 13 and 14,

That while it is very important to accept myself as I am,

While it is very important to think about my dreams and my goals for my life,

None of that's going to really make me happy.

As a matter of fact,

None of that's really going to come into fruition as it should,

Unless I am finding the parts of me that do need to be changed.

For me,

A big part of that was being an introvert,

Was not liking being around people,

All of that.

So for me,

The word changes.

Again,

Obviously this has to be communicated in the right way,

But I can use our example with our children.

One of the beautiful things in that dinner conversation was that our oldest son then said,

What is the biggest thing you think I need to change?

And we had a conversation about that.

And then our daughter,

Our older daughter said,

Okay,

What are the things that we need to change?

And by the way- They're really open.

I was really impressed.

They're really open.

And I'm not saying that after listening to a 45-minute podcast,

Suddenly you can have this conversation perfectly with your children.

But what I am saying- Maybe if it's 55 minutes.

Yes,

Maybe.

Maybe if it's 32 minutes.

But what I am saying is that if you don't have on your agenda to-do list as a parent,

Or if young adults are listening to us,

If you don't have on the agenda of your life's work,

Finding the parts of yourself that need to be changed because we all have them,

Then your dreams,

Your goals will either not be met or even if they are met to some degree are not going to give you the fulfillment.

Absolutely,

As my mother would say,

Full stop.

But I want to,

If I can,

Go one step further in what I think is an important maybe corollary to the idea of change.

And this again is true,

Not just for young adults.

For me,

I had a conversation with a woman a few weeks ago.

She's in her 70s.

She is involved in the spiritual work.

And she shared with me,

She said,

I'm really discouraged lately that I found these.

.

.

I thought I've been spiritual for so long and I've been doing good spiritual work.

And suddenly I discovered more and more things about myself that need to be changed.

And I told her,

And this is again,

Maybe the most fundamental,

But certainly a fundamental wisdom that the only way to know whether you're progressing.

.

.

How do you know?

How do I know?

48,

I think.

How do I know if I'm 47 to 48?

I've grown.

I don't know if I'm 48 to 49,

From now to when I'm 60 to when I'm 70.

The strongest indication that I'm growing is the fact that I can see more of what needs to be changed.

I like that.

Well,

It's not.

.

.

I'd like to take credit for that,

But this is teachings from thousands of years ago.

Yeah,

I never heard it exactly.

Of course we live that,

But I really.

.

.

Say it again?

I don't know if I can repeat that.

But the strongest indication of whether we're growing is that we are seeing more things about ourselves that we need to change.

As a matter of fact,

And again,

This is something that Ravashan,

The great Kabbalah said,

The entire purpose of what some call religion,

What we call spirituality,

The entire purpose of all this study,

It's only for one thing,

To gain the ability to see more of what we need to change.

If I'm in this world,

In this moment,

It means that there's something that I need to change.

And that's not negative.

That's exciting.

That's inspiring.

That's purpose.

But it is so fundamental to everything that unless we are speaking about it.

.

.

Now,

Again,

This is true for children,

But certainly it's true for ourselves as well.

The second part to that,

If I can,

Unless you wanted to share something else before.

I have a lot to share,

But it's okay.

I was having a conversation with a student a few days ago,

And we were talking about his children.

And he was saying,

You know,

He was talking about a move.

And he said,

You know,

If we move here,

The kids will be more comfortable because we live in New York and there's a lot of,

You know,

Winters are cold and we move somewhere else,

Winters are warm.

I said something which,

Again,

I think is so important,

So important.

I said,

You know,

You have to be careful about wanting your kids to be comfortable.

Now,

Let me explain that.

Now,

Of course,

We want our kids to have everything that we can give them that's good for them.

We want it to be as comfortable as we can make them.

Of course,

Of course.

But if our desire is for our kids to always be comfortable,

They're never going to grow.

Discomfort makes you grow.

I know that when we have this conversation often,

Sometimes when our kids go through challenges,

Yes,

You feel their pain,

Their pain.

But on the other hand,

I'm excited because I know,

OK,

Great.

Now they probably hopefully grab this opportunity to grow from it.

But they need tools and tips and assistance to do that.

Of course.

If not,

They're just left with feeling really lousy.

But I do think this message for parents,

For children,

For adults,

Don't look to become comfortable all the time in all ways and all things,

Because that is not going to lead towards growth.

So remember,

We moved to New York,

David,

Our oldest,

For like a good three months.

All he would say is,

I can't do this anymore.

Over and over again,

It was such a stretch for him.

It was really hard for me,

Too.

But,

You know,

We knew we knew there was growth there.

It was hard.

Exactly.

So what I'm saying is that is that,

Again,

Whether you're a parent thinking about how to communicate with your children,

Whether you're a teenager or a young adult,

Whether you're an adult like us,

These two need to be your guiding pieces of wisdom in order for me to be happy in all things.

And it can be changing all the time to the degree that I can,

To the degree that I find.

And that's my desire.

And second,

I don't want to be comfortable all the time.

And certainly as a parent,

You don't want to make sure your kids are comfortable all the time.

And we talk about this a lot.

You know,

Our children,

They moved to New York.

It's not easy on them in many levels,

Like you just said.

But we've seen great growth that I'm not sure would have happened had they not had the discomfort forced upon them in some way by a move to New York City.

So as we're talking about discomfort,

I think that what we're both saying is that it should be allowed to happen organically and naturally.

Oh,

It will happen.

Correct.

Because.

.

.

Oh,

Yeah,

I'm not talking about,

You know.

.

.

But I do want to bring that up for a second.

The sense of pressure and angst that many young adults feel about the future isn't unique to our time.

From the 1950s to 1970s,

Research was conducted on college students analyzing their attitudes towards the future and impending adulthood.

And despite different historical context and increased demographic diversity,

The findings showed key similarities across the board,

A sense of overwhelm due to lack of clarity on the best path to move forward,

Worry about finding a meaningful job,

Distrust in one's ability to make high stakes adult decisions,

Pressure from parents to succeed academically and professionally,

Pressure not to squander the opportunities they've already been given.

I mean,

I can hear somebody saying that with a finger.

General sense of lack of support in navigating this unique time.

In these recordings,

What was echoed most was students' desire for more time,

Time to connect to their purpose to a fulfilling career,

To catch their breath before plowing forward into the unrelenting responsibility of adulthood.

And by the way,

Many adults make it look horrible.

What's the rush to get there?

In short,

These young adults were seeking to delay reaching adulthood much like many millennials and Gen Zers do today.

I'm asking you,

Did you ever feel you were being forced to grow up too fast?

Do you feel you had enough time to truly explore who you were and what you wanted before coming into the path in life?

I know you're so annoying that you were like,

I knew when I was in diapers.

Perfect childhood.

None of that,

None of what you just said.

But I.

.

.

Let's start with the first one.

Did you ever feel like you were being not forced to grow up too fast,

But you must have had,

I mean,

Your parents were giants and they're big shoes to kind of follow because you were following the same footsteps by choice.

Did you ever feel the pressure of that?

I'd like to say yes.

Honestly,

No,

Because again,

I can only share my own perspective on my young adult life.

I found purpose very quickly as an effective of my spiritual studies.

And I think so strongly.

One of the things,

By the way,

That the reason why I strongly believe in any form that it takes,

Spirituality is so desperately necessary is because what it does is that it anchors you.

It gives you a foundation upon which,

Again,

It doesn't mean everybody has to become a spiritual teacher in any way,

Shape or form.

Of course not.

But as you pursue business success,

As you pursue relationships,

And I've heard this from many people over the years as they came to spirituality is that they finally,

Rather than feeling like this boat in an ocean being thrown from one wave to the other,

They started feeling a foundation.

And then it makes it much easier to pursue dreams and to have the proper perspective on the ups and downs of life.

I don't know.

Without any fear of failure.

Right,

Right.

One of the things,

And we often speak to this with our children when they come to us with different challenges that are coming either at work or otherwise,

The spiritual perspective gives you not always clarity.

Again,

There's always challenges and always work.

But it's a,

I can't imagine,

I cannot imagine how I would have grown up not having that.

I mean,

Then you're literally left into the crazy waves of life.

So what I would say to,

Again,

To anybody who's,

Again,

Whether they're young adults,

Whether they're adults,

Is that one of the beautiful benefits of being serious about your spiritual pursuit and study and work is that it gives you a foundation upon which everything else can be successful.

And this is true of business,

It's true of relationships.

Without that,

I remember,

And this is a little bit off topic,

But I remember having a conversation with somebody who was having big challenges in their relationship,

And at the same time they were having to deal with challenges at work.

I said to them,

You know,

As we say,

I don't know how I would have dealt with my challenges in life had I not had a strong relationship.

And so that was at least a foundation based upon a spiritual foundation.

And then when the challenges come,

Yet you're a little bit strong,

You're a foundation,

Not a little bit,

Maybe a lot stronger in your foundation,

And you can take on greater challenges.

But if you're not building on strong foundations,

Then everything becomes overwhelming.

Yeah,

I felt a tremendous pressure.

I felt like.

.

.

I forgot to ask you,

Monica,

Did you feel pressure growing up?

I knew the question was a little bit deeper than that,

But I felt that,

Yeah,

Time was running out.

Like I was only going to be supported for so long.

That's interesting.

It was communicated clearly to you in that way.

Obviously it wasn't said exactly.

It wasn't said outwardly like that,

But if I didn't figure it out soon,

They'd be very worried and be cause for concern and who would I be?

And I'd be like a loser on some level.

And there was a rush to like have everything figured out,

Figured out being controlled by a certain age or I'd be in a different group.

Yeah.

And I think also just the other missing ingredient,

Of course it's connected to spirituality,

But I think as parents,

We tend to put emphasis on the wrong things.

We even think about when the kids are young,

Right?

While homework's important and bedtime and eating,

They're all beneficial for overall wellbeing.

Everything's more important for your children than knowing you believe in them and that you love them unconditionally.

And I think that that's,

That was the other thing.

I'm like,

Okay,

Well then do you really believe in me if you're that worried if I don't have it figured out by a certain time?

You know,

Like any,

For me it was like any perceived wrong turn or failure was an indication that I was on the wrong road.

So that was tremendous pressure.

Tremendous.

Yes.

And I think you've touched upon a very important idea that consciously and unconsciously the messages that children receive from their parents growing up impacts for their.

.

.

I remember I've shared this story on the podcast before,

But I'll share it again because I think it's so clarifying.

This person has since passed,

But I met somebody who was a very,

Very successful business person and he was already in his mid eighties when I was talking to him,

Having this conversation with his father and he was telling me with great pain at the age 85 and it's been,

It had been already probably 25 years since his father has passed and certainly 85 years since he was born,

How much pain he still has.

But the fact that his father never believed that he would amount to anything.

So I think it's so important as parents that we,

As you said,

Really take the time,

Verbalize it,

Show it in action because it's not enough just to verbalize it.

But I want to add one more thing to that or maybe a caveat.

Being supportive of your children does not mean that you say everything they're doing or done is great.

It just means that I know that you have,

As we often say to our children,

A beautiful,

Powerful soul.

You have great things to do in this world and you have the ability to do that.

Now at the same time,

There might've been something you've done here.

Maybe you had something to learn.

It's not just that you've come over to this challenge and therefore,

Oh,

You're 100% right all the time.

It might not be silly.

Although sometimes I think parents miscon-true support with the no need for anybody to change ever.

What you're saying is you want to use praise the right way.

You don't want to raise praise junkies.

Yeah,

Praise is one way to put it,

But I would say support.

I want hopefully my children to feel that I support them because I really believe in their essence,

But I don't necessarily accept or believe in every action that they take.

Or their behavior.

The behavior that they behave.

So there's also a term called adulting,

Which I think is interesting too.

That's why I'm mentioning it.

About the rise in its usage and how it's so aptly reflects the findings found in the college students research that I mentioned earlier.

Young adults apparent desire for more time,

Not laziness,

Not self indulgence desire.

In the eighties,

Adulting was used,

Do you know how it was used?

Very differently.

As a jocular verbal form of the noun adultery.

And during 2000 and 2009,

Twitter users begin to use it to describe adults doing the daily mundane tasks.

Like the drudgery of adults.

Like this,

The ones that are most commonly used by young adults in a self deprecating manner would be I can't adult today.

Adulting is hard.

Just paid my taxes for the first time.

Hashtag adulting moved into a new apartment.

My parents aren't paying for a hashtag adulting.

And writer Ellie Violet Bramley shares this depiction of adulthood as a performative state,

A thing to do rather than be.

But never for long before boomeranging back to suspended adolescence has been read as a device for millennials to laud their status as adults while simultaneously distancing themselves from it.

But this mix of self aggrandizement and self deprecation plays in the hands of those set on millennial bashing.

This last generation can't even pay their taxes without Snapchatting about it.

So that was her take on it.

And the question is,

So why can't they just grow up?

And I think that's not fair to say it like that.

I think the real thing is,

You know,

What does that look like to each person to grow up?

And it can be any age.

I'm not even talking just about the ages our kids are.

But even,

You know,

Adults are still struggling with this question.

So I mean,

This would be a boring question for you,

I'm realizing now.

But as a young adult,

Were you excited or resistant to grow up?

What did growing up mean to you or look like?

I guess the second one maybe you can answer.

I'm excited to grow up.

I'm so excited to grow up.

Yeah,

I feel the same.

And I'm excited.

It's one of those things.

I hope this never changes,

Right?

Well,

Most excited to grow older,

Right,

To whatever degree that means.

Well yeah,

Because the alternative is not great.

Not just that,

Not just that,

I do because you realize again,

And this is a whole different topic,

But you do realize the wisdom that comes with age.

Just hopefully,

If you're pursuing a spiritual life and you're really growing and changing all the time,

There are great benefits in the years that pass.

But what it meant for me was probably the ability to do more in teaching,

In sharing wisdom.

That's what I was,

Of course,

I was kind of having a family,

Having children.

You had healthy models to see that.

Like for me,

Growing up was scary because the grownups didn't look very happy around.

You know?

So I was like,

Where do I want to go?

Maybe that's why I found Kabbalah at 17 because I just,

Nothing,

Nobody was happy.

You know,

It just didn't make sense.

Which again,

A little bit off topic,

But something you often say,

Which is so true,

That when couples stay together for the kids,

Right?

That trope.

That might be,

By the way,

Sometimes I'm sure that's healthy and wise and good,

But often if the kids see a miserable relationship,

Then.

.

.

They're going to avoid that.

Exactly.

What message are you telling your kids about them ever having both a relationship and then what kind of relationship can they even hope for or even accept?

But I think the reality is,

Of course,

If a person,

I can't even imagine,

But I'd imagine that if a person grows up in a home with adults that are unhappy,

Then that colors their entire view of what adulthood will be.

And of course,

Angst and anxiousness that would come and think,

Oh my God,

This is going to be me in 20 years.

I think it's also important for each person to look at what their beliefs are because a lot of it is impressed upon us depending on the generation we grew up in and what we see in the house,

As you just said.

And while every human generally wants the same things,

Right?

A sense of belonging,

Security,

Purpose,

There are key differences between the desires,

Priorities and challenges of even let's just look at Gen X and Gen Z.

Most Gen Xers were left to look after themselves while both parents were in the workforce.

That was different than years earlier.

As a result,

Many Gen Xers developed independence and self-reliance,

Resilience and drive to give back.

According to a study conducted by Reader's Digest,

74% of Gen Xers agreed with the statement,

Hard work is the key to getting ahead.

Some of the core values of this generation include work-life balance,

Diversity,

High job expectations,

Independence and loyalty.

Gen Zers have been immersed in sophisticated media and technology environments for pretty much their entire lives,

Are extremely tech savvy and globally minded.

They have also been the most supervised cohort of kids under helicopter style parenting.

So you can see how even,

I mean,

You've got to look at all the things around you and then say,

Okay,

What is it I believe and why,

Right?

And then really with what we're offering is it's up to each person to challenge that and say,

Okay,

It is really ultimately about change and that awareness.

So the ways to support young adults that have difficulty leaving home,

There are a few and helping them to,

And this is what Dan Kiley again outlines as key elements to changing our dynamic with young adults who have experienced a failure to launch.

One is commitment to change.

Isn't that interesting?

This is the first.

Helping the individual outline their goals with realistic expectations and small practical steps for execution.

And again,

This is any age.

This is not just for kids still living at home.

Two willingness to take risks.

We foster this in young people by making sure they know that they are loved unconditionally,

Even when they fail to meet ours or their own expectations.

And that's the idea that failure isn't fatal,

Right?

We think that,

And I wish,

I wish that that was feedback I had gotten.

You know,

Mistakes are not to be avoided at all costs because I felt that when I made a mistake as a child,

It was the end of the world.

And also I'd never get the,

No,

It's too scared to make them.

And then I never wanted to make them.

And then I was stuck on looking perfect.

You still don't make any mistakes.

I make many mistakes and I like when I make them,

But I felt it was like the end of an opportunity and I think that's even scarier than just failing.

I was like,

I'll never get this chance again.

So then there's regret and there's shame.

There's a lot of other things that are put on that as well.

But mistakes are very necessary for our learning and for our growth.

And Kabbalists always say we can't rise unless we fall or fail first.

So I think it's about really adjusting that failure isn't bad and it goes against every instinct we have in our body.

Right.

But that's the point.

To succeed,

We have to fail.

Okay.

Three supportive environment,

Helping the individual choose environmental factors,

Friends,

Community,

What they read that support their growth.

Four clear guidelines around communication,

Understanding that individual's sensitivities and how they want to be spoken to.

And I really am a big person on this also.

I think we need to employ a mindful vocabulary.

I do this a lot with both all our kids.

But you know,

There's certain things like speaking to young boys,

Words like strong or aware or smart,

But it will be used or speaking to girls,

Big,

Cute,

Pretty sweet.

Right.

And when you grow up hearing these things,

These are hardwired into our brains and it becomes our identity that begins around these kinds of phrases.

So I think it's really an awareness we all need to have on how we speak,

Especially to the young ones.

Another one is,

You know,

He runs like a girl or boys can't cry and girls run fast and boys should cry because it's important to have emotions.

So five,

Compassion and empathy.

Six,

Praise,

Which we spoke about.

You want to praise effort and intentions over results.

Don't want to create praise junkies where they're running around trying to impress you to get positive feedback.

And seven,

Outside support,

Willingness to learn,

Research and enlist professional help when necessary to support young adults.

So I think this is really helpful.

I've talked about this in previous episodes,

But I've broken it down for the youth.

It's the adulthood to be list versus the to do list.

So I created one that I think really applies and can be helpful.

And I don't think this issue is.

Young people not reaching certain milestones,

But those milestones themselves.

So maybe our markers of adulthood are too rigid.

The traditional markers,

Again,

Are finishing one's education,

Leaving home,

Finding work,

Finding a life partner and having children.

Not a single one of them pertains to an internal development such as knowing oneself,

One's unique desires,

Talents,

Interests,

Reframing past trauma,

Identifying core needs,

Values,

Loving and accepting oneself or finding one's purpose.

So I think a really great tool and a place to start is to create your to be list based on being versus that to do.

And it's such a shift in how we're raised.

And what I would strongly recommend like we do with our kids is every one of our listeners,

If you're a young adults,

I would recommend sitting with your friends or with your parents or if your parents sitting with your children and having this conversation together.

A thousand percent.

What is your to be list?

Because again,

The your beliefs create your actions.

Right.

And I had some of these beliefs by this age,

I should have done this,

That or the other.

By age 30,

I should be married or have my own home.

If this than that,

If I went to college,

I should be able to get a steady job by age 22.

And then based on what?

And then when you don't meet those,

You feel like a failure.

And again,

We've mentioned all these things,

But I do I recommend that as well.

I think that's really powerful.

So I was going to ask you if you were would leave our listeners with one or two ideas from today's podcast or three.

I would say if you are a young adult yourself,

Confused about how to begin the pursuit of purpose,

Start asking yourself questions like,

What do I love most?

What am I good at?

How can I give back?

And don't settle on any answers.

Commit to continue to asking these questions endlessly,

By the way,

For the rest of your life.

And I certainly keep asking myself these questions,

Except the process of finding and living your purpose is ever evolving.

And most importantly,

Remember,

If you're making a conscious effort every moment of the day or as often as possible to connect with your soul,

Your innate goodness,

Your desire to share,

Create and do good,

You have already connected to your purpose and the details of how your purpose will play out in this world will naturally reveal themselves to you.

And we had that exact conversation with our kids.

Be patient.

This isn't a race and there isn't a finish line.

Have a little certainty or maybe a lot.

And don't forget to have fun during the never ending journey of self discovery.

The process is the purpose and this is life.

Beautiful.

I would say probably three things at least.

One is like we said,

If you really want to be happy in life,

You need to have a spiritual foundation,

Whatever that means.

There's my song,

If you want to be happy for the rest of your life,

Go and find yourself a beautiful wife.

It's not a great song.

Well,

I don't want to offend anybody who loves anyone who loves this song,

But yes.

So for parents,

Two children,

For children,

For adults,

Young adults,

For adults,

The foundation of a spiritual understanding and wisdom is fundamental,

I think,

To really being able to pursue your dreams,

For really being able to be happy in life.

You forgot to list for Peter Pan,

Wendy and Tinkerbell.

Yes.

You said for adults,

Young adults,

You forgot to add them to the list.

Oh,

Sorry.

Yes,

Yes.

Go ahead.

Second,

Understand the importance of change,

That that is probably the most important area of focus for everything else.

What are the things that you look inside?

Yes,

Even as they relate to what you want to achieve,

But most importantly about yourself,

What are you discovering about yourself that you see needs to be changed,

That needs to be developed in certain ways,

In different ways,

Number two.

Number three,

Understand that comfort is not always the best thing,

And pursuing just to be comfortable in all the areas all the time can often limit us from changing in the ways that will actually bring us fulfillment and will actually allow us to manifest our dreams.

And we have a letter today?

We do have.

It's a little bit long,

But I really found it inspiring,

And I'm sure that our listeners will find it inspiring as well.

It's from one of our listeners in London,

The UK.

Dear Monica and Michael,

Thank you very much for the amazing time I always have when listening to your podcast.

I wanted to write to you and share my story,

But I was a little bit shy.

Yet after your recent podcast,

Episode 77,

You encouraged me to do so.

So again,

I encourage all of our listeners,

All of our listeners,

Send your questions,

Comments,

And stories,

Share with us,

Especially if you're shy and you don't want to,

They will inspire our listeners and they inspire Monica and myself.

So it all started in 2016 when I had decided to open my own business and invest all of my savings in this.

The plan was to open a small cafe in East London in Shoreditch.

Everything went well from the beginning.

I found the place,

Signed the lease,

And when renovating the place,

It all started to go wrong.

I was misinformed by the agency and the dispute emerged between leaseholder,

Freeholder,

And me,

Which went on for two years.

I wasn't working at that time as I was waiting for this dispute to be resolved and start the business,

Which ended with the forfeiting of the lease where I lost everything,

Over 100,

000 pounds,

My car,

And much more.

I did not want to accept this reality.

And as you mentioned in the podcast,

I was operating in a bulldozing state.

When I realized I was facing fear,

Shame,

Doubt,

Blame,

I said to myself,

I should stop now,

Let it go.

I could not bulldoze anymore.

At that time,

I was a new student at the London Kabbalah Center.

I was not yet a student.

I did not know how to pause or to say what a pleasure when feeling the pain in my soul.

I was losing the purpose of life.

I did not know how to carry on anymore.

When one evening,

The idea of taking further education came up to my mind.

I said to myself,

You can lose everything or anyone,

But you cannot lose education,

Which you can always share with others.

So I've decided to apply for the part-time master's program in human rights and law.

The moment I made my decision,

I felt something different,

Very light,

And it was very warm.

Same time I was working in two jobs during the day at school and in the restaurant in the evenings.

I cannot tell you how I was managing all these.

After many shed tears in the library,

Sleepless nights,

I will be graduating from the university this year and would love to join many other professionals standing in solidarity and fight for the rights of individuals who would otherwise not have a voice.

I surrender something new where I feel the presence of light and every single moment.

My children were my biggest supporters together with my amazing teachers,

And I am so grateful for this.

Thank you very much for all of your time,

Work,

Support,

And love you share with the rest of the world.

I hope to see you in London with lots of love,

Catherine.

Thank you,

Catherine,

For sending your story.

Thank you for inspiring us with your story and interesting how it very much has to do with everything we spoke about in this episode as well.

As always,

We ask all of our listeners to send your questions,

Comments,

Topics,

Stories to monicaannmichael at kibale.

Com,

Especially if you're not sure you want to send it,

Definitely send it.

It inspires Monica and myself.

It inspires our listeners,

And it also brings in a way light to your own life.

Continue to do that,

Continue to share this podcast with everybody you know.

Continue to go to Apple Podcasts,

Write five-star reviews,

And again,

Share this with as many people as you can.

We record this podcast because of our inspiration and desire to inspire and share this wisdom with others.

Hopefully,

You can help us do that as well.

As always,

I hope you enjoyed listening to this podcast as much as we enjoyed recording it.

Stay spiritually hungry.

Bye.