Moving Through The Pain Of The Past To Be Authentically YOU

Well,

Hello everyone.

Hello.

As you join,

Please say hi in the comments so I know who's here.

If it's your first time joining me live,

Definitely say hi.

I want to know who is joining me today for the first day of our free masterclass on being authentically you.

Yay!

Okay,

So I'm Stephanie Perejamas and I've been having my own business,

Coaching,

Doing mindset stuff,

Helping people feel more confident in who they are.

I have a background in marriage and family therapy and just behavioral health.

So I've been working in behavioral health since 2002.

So this is definitely an area that I'm really passionate and excited about and I just love sharing my knowledge with other people so that they can tap into it as well and start making the changes they want in their own life.

So yes,

Thank you.

Authentic.

And that's what we're going to be talking about today,

Reggie,

Is being our authentic selves.

And sometimes the pain of the past can prevent us from doing so.

So we're going to talk about it.

Now,

Anytime I say something that you can relate to,

Please say so in the comments.

Say hi,

Raise your hand,

Drop some hearts,

Do whatever you want.

Just acknowledge.

Let me know that what I'm saying you can relate to.

Okay,

So I wonder how many of you feel like you're being your authentic self like all the time right now?

Like raise your hand if you feel like you're always your authentic self,

Like you're just here because you want to say hi and you're good to go.

Anyone?

Okay.

For the rest of you,

I want you to think about,

Like pretend there's a scale from one to ten.

And ten is that you are living as your authentic self all the time,

Like a hundred percent of the time.

Okay,

So picture what that ten is.

Like you couldn't make it better.

And one is the complete opposite.

Like you're never your authentic self because it just seems too scary and too big of a risk.

So where would you put yourself today?

So you can either share it in the comments or you could just write it on a journal at home or write it on a piece of paper.

But where would you put yourself today?

And Reggie,

That's awesome that you are living your authentic self most of the time.

And Keoni,

Definitely not.

So Keoni,

What number would you put yourself at?

And if you want to share,

You don't have to share,

But if you want to,

That's awesome.

Oh,

Nice.

Eight and a half.

That's fantastic.

I mean,

Ten is really one of those goals where we're like,

Okay,

We don't have to get to ten to still feel like we're making progress and we're living our authentic self.

So,

Oh,

Cool.

Six and a half.

Yeah.

I mean,

Sometimes there's situations where we really can't be our authentic self as well in all ways because our professional life or situations like that.

Okay.

So my next question.

Do you remember who you were before you experienced like such a painful event or an add up of all the pain,

Like the pain just stacked on top of each other until it got to the point where it felt bigger than you?

Do you remember who you were before the pain of the past or the pain that you experienced took the lead role in your life?

Ah,

Yes.

I like that clarification,

Keoni.

So at work and then not in your personal life.

Okay.

So many of us struggle to really know who we are,

Especially after we've experienced a lot of pain in our life.

The pain can kind of override being ourselves,

Being our authentic selves,

Because once we experience a lot of pain,

We want to then protect ourselves from ever experiencing pain again.

Are you with me?

Right.

So sometimes we forget how strong we are or how capable we are of handling the pain that we've been through.

And it's only natural to want to protect ourselves from experiencing more pain because let's face it,

Pain sucks.

It doesn't feel good to experience pain.

Right.

So it puts us on high alert,

Especially when we've experienced a lot and we haven't fully healed through it.

So we can fall into survival mode.

Right.

And it's really hard to be you when you're just trying to survive.

You can't thrive when you're trying to survive.

Right.

It changes how you're functioning in your days.

And so when we are focusing a lot on the pain of the past or when the pain of the past is the highlight of our story,

Then we begin to deny ourselves the lives that we want because we think it's going to be too painful.

Like I can't go for that relationship because what if I get hurt?

Right.

I can't go for that job because what if I don't get it?

I can't be myself because what if people don't like me?

Right.

What if I say that thing I want to say and nobody laughs or people make like a face and like cringe?

And what if somebody what if I want to say something online,

But people say mean comments to me?

Right.

So we deny ourselves the life that we really want,

The thing we really want,

The dream that seems just too far out of reach,

Too big for me.

Right.

It seems like it might be for everybody else except for you because there's the risk if you go for it that you could experience pain again.

And remember you're trying to protect yourself from the pain in surviving mode.

Right.

Because it seems like if I have one more hit of pain,

I'm just I don't know how I'm going to handle it.

I don't know how I'm going to get through it.

So we keep ourselves small and we deny ourselves the things that we really want.

And maybe you see this in only certain areas of your life.

Right.

Maybe it's certain areas of your personal life or certain areas of your professional life.

Maybe you'll take just like a little bit of risk,

But you won't go all in.

You won't go for what you really want.

You're going to hold yourself back a little bit.

Right.

Depending on maybe how like where you're putting yourself on that scale or how much pain of the past is like kind of like that ball and chain you're kind of dragging with you.

OK.

And then sometimes when we experience a lot of pain in our past,

Sometimes we think it proves our lack of enoughness.

We're like,

Well,

This happened,

So I must not be enough.

I must have something wrong with me.

I must be dumb.

I must be unlovable.

I must not be pretty enough or attractive enough or whatever enough.

Right.

And so I just want to remind you and take a moment to.

Yes,

The pain you experienced was real.

It was real.

It happened.

It hurts.

And it is a piece of your life.

And we can't just pretend it never happened and never existed because it did happen.

It was real.

The pain was real.

And maybe there's a part of you that's still healing from it.

Right.

And if you are like unless you're at a 10 on that authentic self.

Right.

There's a part of you that's still healing from that pain.

And I just want to remind you that the pain of the past isn't your entire picture.

It isn't everything.

It's just a moment in time.

It's something you experienced,

And there's so much more than that experience of the pain.

So sometimes,

As we talked about,

It can make you think that it proves your lack of enoughness and it didn't decrease your value.

No matter what you went through,

It didn't decrease your value.

Right.

You were born priceless and you will remain priceless no matter what.

All the time.

Nothing that you've experienced has decreased your value as a human because you're always valuable.

You're always enough.

So if I was to ask you to tell me about the pain of your past,

Tons of examples would start to come to your mind.

So things that you've experienced from the time you were a little teeny tiny you to this morning.

Right.

Maybe it's someone cut you off on your way to work or the barista made the wrong coffee for you.

And when we add up the pains and we make the pain of our past,

The focus of our life,

The highlight of our life,

All the little inconveniences,

All the little pains feel heavier.

Right.

And so I have my notes.

So sometimes I got to take a little peek at them.

Okay.

So when you think about all of the pain of the past,

The stories that you have in your mind and you know,

The ones that you replay,

You have the ones that are automatically there all the time.

The ones that you use to connect with other people,

You know,

To tell your story when you talk about something you experienced.

And this can be like the expectations that weren't met your needs that were dismissed or overlooked.

The mean things people said,

The times you didn't feel like you were enough or that you didn't belong or when you felt rejected or unloved times when you felt like a loss that you experienced was your fault for whatever reason you gave that or any cruelty that was done to you that sometimes we blame ourselves for.

And this is really heavy stuff and it's real stuff.

And it shapes us.

It shapes us in such a way that we can decide to sacrifice ourselves because we think that it'll make us be loved.

That if we sacrifice a piece of ourself,

We'll be safe.

We'll be protected.

We'll be loved.

We'll belong,

Right?

We won't get hurt.

We won't get rejected.

We'll be enough,

Right?

And then when that still doesn't work,

When pain still happens,

When rejection still happens,

When everything doesn't turn out exactly the way we daydreamed it to turn out,

It's really confusing.

And we're like,

But I'm sacrificing myself.

Why isn't it working?

Why isn't it working out better?

Why do I still feel sad?

I'm trying to protect myself,

Yet I still feel the loss,

The sadness,

The pain.

Are you still with me?

And sometimes we pretend to be somebody else,

Right?

And like something we like,

We might pretend like we don't like or something,

You know,

We'll like,

Oh no,

I love this thing,

Right?

Even if you don't really love it,

Right?

Just so other people might like it or like us more.

So we try to be someone who's more likable,

Who belongs a bit more.

We try so hard to make it so like no one gets mad at us or no one dislikes us,

Right?

Because if they get mad at us or they dislike us or they disagree with us,

They might leave.

And if they leave,

I might be alone.

So we try so hard to make someone like us that we forget to like ourselves,

Right?

We forget that who we are is already enough,

That you get to be yourself and it's okay if other people don't like you.

Like that's a lesson we have to learn is sometimes we go through life and we're like,

Why doesn't every single person like me?

And then we're like,

Oh,

You'll have this like aha moment where you're like,

Well,

I guess that's okay because I don't necessarily like everyone that I ever come across.

So I guess it's okay if not everyone likes me,

Right?

You're definitely too much of a chameleon for people liking you.

Yeah.

I think that's part of who you are though.

There is like an aspect of human design where we are really like we could be chameleons or adapting.

I think it's more if you are pretending that you like things to fit in versus just kind of talking about that topic that you know about.

So I feel like obviously I know you really well because you're my husband.

So I would say like,

I don't,

I don't think you're denying who you are.

You're just highlighting different aspects of your personality with different people or different situations.

But you never really pretend you like something when you don't,

Or you don't deny who you are too.

Maybe when I first met you,

I remember you not wanting to share certain parts of yourself in case you were rejected from other people,

But now you own all of who you are.

So I think that's part of the journey is just owning who we are,

Regardless of what other people will think of us.

And so as we forget to like ourselves,

To love ourselves,

That we already have really great things about us.

And so we're seeking endlessly to be liked.

And because of this,

We're unable to see the love that's already there.

We'll miss it.

We're like,

I just wish people would like me.

And then these other people are like,

But I love you.

And you're like,

Oh,

I just wish someone or anyone.

Is there anyone that,

I mean,

What does it take?

What is it going to take for someone to like me,

To love me?

And then there's someone in your life that's like,

I like you.

I love you.

And you're like,

Guess there's no one,

Right?

That's literally what it can seem like.

And so then sometimes when we're in like a friendship or relationship,

When it starts to feel like,

Oh,

I really like this person,

The risk of getting hurt has gone up.

No,

Now I'm going to push them away.

I'm going to push them away.

I need to stay safe.

So I'm going to push them away.

And I apologize.

The jets are flying over right now.

So I don't know if the mic picks them up,

But if they do,

It's just the jets flying over,

There'll be a few of them and then they'll,

They'll be gone.

So as we're in the survival mode,

When we focus on the pain of the past,

We forget to learn the skill of how to receive love of how to see love of how to experience love.

Right.

And so sometimes I remember asking people like,

What's the kindest thing someone's ever done to you or done for you?

And they'll be like,

Oh,

Nothing.

No one's ever done anything for me.

And I'm like,

Whoa,

That is a really great example of missing the love and the kindness that's already active in your life.

So when we just focus on that pain,

It really has like that blur out effect,

Right?

It's like one of those blurred out filters where it just blurs out all the love,

All the goodness,

And it just zooms in on the pain,

Right?

So,

And then it's hard to even see our own love because we're so critical of ourselves.

When we look in the mirror,

We're so critical.

When we do something,

If it wasn't perfect,

If it wasn't flawless in every aspect,

We'll be really hard on ourselves.

So the pain of the past,

Just start noticing how is it influencing your life?

How is it bleeding into your life,

Into your relationships,

Into your career?

Where are you giving it so much importance that it's blurring out the good stuff that you're experiencing?

The good stuff that's already available to you.

And I get it like for a long,

Long time.

So I'm 40.

So I have many years that I dedicated to the pain of the past,

The stories that I'd repeat.

The,

When I saw like the pattern repeated in my life,

How,

Oh,

See,

I knew it.

I knew it.

That happened again.

It means I'm not enough.

It means I'm not likable.

I'm not lovable.

I'm not pretty enough.

I'm not smart enough.

I'm not blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Right?

I can just go on and on.

So it's like when you focus on the pain of the past,

Then you look for evidence in your current life that supports whatever meaning you gave to that pain about you.

Right?

So I thought that I was unlovable because my mom didn't have the skills to love me the way I needed to be loved.

I lived in a really small town that treated my family like we were the ickies,

Like we were the less than,

And eventually I believed them.

I believed them.

I thought,

Well,

There we go.

That's the truth of the situation.

It is what it is.

I guess I'm just that girl.

Right.

And let's see.

Yeah.

So I thought the way that other people treated me defined my value,

My enoughness,

My possibilities in life.

I really gave so much power to other people.

About what it meant about me and just my life and my value.

And I was like,

Well,

The results are in.

I'm unlovable.

I guess I'm just going to have to figure out how to move through life as the unlovable less than one.

And it really influenced everything in my life.

So again,

If you can relate to this at all,

Please let me know in the comments,

Right?

Even if you're watching this on the replay.

So it influenced everything in my life,

The risks I would avoid the depths I took to silence myself,

To be invisible,

To not rock the boat,

To make sure I followed all of the rules.

Like,

I mean,

It was,

It was an issue of people.

Like I'm finally like a few years ago,

Got to the point where I'm like,

Oh,

Maybe I don't have to follow every single rule that ever existed in the history of the world.

Like,

Maybe I can be myself,

Even if it goes against a rule that someone else created,

You know?

And I was like,

Okay,

I guess I'm just going to be the doormat for everybody.

You know,

I'm going to be this people pleaser.

I like dedicated myself to that.

And I was so scared that if somebody knew the real me,

That the relationship would be over,

Right?

Like if they knew what was behind the,

My face,

What was going on in here and in here,

Well,

They wouldn't be my friend because I already had so much stacked against me.

Right?

And I had already experienced so much pain in my life by that point that I really was just in survival mode.

And like I said,

Everything was just convincing,

Adding more evidence to not being,

You know,

Enough.

So yeah.

Okay.

So I really did think that if somebody knew the real me,

The relationship would be over like stat,

Like,

That's it.

Who's this girl?

Nah,

I'm out of here.

Right?

And that if someone got mad at me,

I'd be alone.

So I was like an over apologizer.

Where's the over apologizers at?

Let me know where you are.

Right?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Right?

Like if something happened,

A disagreement happened with a friend,

I'd be like,

I'm really sorry.

Oh my gosh.

I'm so sorry.

And then like a couple hours later,

Hey,

I just wanted to apologize about earlier.

I'm really sorry.

I sat down heavy on your couch.

I hope your couch is okay.

You know,

Whatever.

Then the next day,

Hey,

You know,

Again,

I just really wanted to apologize for,

You know,

Listening to that song that you didn't like.

I didn't know you didn't like it.

And I just,

I'm really sorry.

Are you still mad at me?

No.

Okay.

Well,

It kind of feels like you're still mad at me.

And they're like,

Yeah,

Because you keep asking me if I'm mad at you.

So I'm feeling annoyed now.

And I'm like,

Oh no,

Now they're annoyed.

Right?

It was like this whole cycle.

If you're an over apologizer,

You know what I'm talking about?

Staying up late,

Replaying it in your mind.

Oh my gosh.

How,

How could,

How could I have done such a careless thing?

Right.

Even though it's like such like a small minor incident,

But we make it so big because we're in that survival mode.

Right.

So,

And Hey,

Jesse,

I'm glad you're here.

Okay.

So the idea of being alone scared the bananas out of me more than hiding myself or sacrificing myself.

Cause I didn't think about the long-term effects of that.

I didn't think about hiding myself or sacrificing myself was going to,

I didn't think how that would limit my life or influence my life.

Right.

I just thought I'm in survival mode.

So our mind operates different when we're in survival mode.

Right.

So I decided,

You know,

I'm going to sacrifice myself under the illusion that I could make others happy and be accepted and loved in the process.

Right.

So keeping my focus on the pain of the past,

Kept me frozen in doubt,

Frozen in my insecurities.

It was the anchor to the prison that I put myself in.

It was the lens that I operated my life through for years,

Never believing I was enough,

Pretty enough,

Smart enough,

Nice enough,

Good enough,

Not like good enough,

But like,

Am I a good girl enough?

Right.

And forget lovable.

I didn't even think I was likable.

Like I didn't think anybody liked me.

I was only usable because I was the people pleaser.

Right.

But at the time I was totally okay with being used because it meant I wasn't alone.

In a sense.

Do you know what I'm saying?

And this lens kept me small,

Invisible,

Scared of life,

Scared of my dreams.

And it kept me in unhealthy friendships and unhealthy romantic relationships and in jobs that weren't the right fit for me.

And just really limited myself,

You know,

Like the unlimited possibilities.

I was like,

All right here,

Like you're going to be like,

Boop,

Boop,

Bump in my head all the time.

Like,

You know,

So anyone relating,

Tell me a little bit about how the pain of the past has limited you.

So go ahead and share with me in the comments or if you're journaling as we go along,

Write it in your journal.

How has focusing on the pain of your past limited you?

Where has it prevented you from being yourself,

From doing the things you want to do,

From doing the things that you daydream about?

Right.

And these are different for everybody.

Some people want to be authors.

They want to write books,

But they won't do it.

Because what if somebody doesn't like it?

What if it gets a bad critique?

What if it's not good enough?

What if they miss a historical fact and write it incorrectly?

Right.

What if there's a mistake in the book?

So then they're not going to do it at all.

Right.

Or people who want to travel the world,

But they won't because it's just too scary.

It's too big of a risk.

Or go for that promotion you want at work,

But then you would actually have to know your worth,

Know your value.

And so you won't do it because it's too scary.

Because it could rock the boat.

What if there's conflict?

What if you just lose your job altogether?

Right.

We'll just start going down this like worry cycle of all the worst things possible.

Okay.

From the thinking people don't like me and then not going to events because I think no one will want me there.

Yeah.

Oof.

Right.

Like thinking no one will want you.

They're like,

Why is she here?

Right.

And we'll play this in our mind.

And we're like,

Oh.

So think of all the events you've missed out on.

And definitely a little gunshot and getting another business partner.

Oh,

Yeah.

For sure.

That makes sense.

You know?

And so I think these are kind of two different examples though.

Like gunshot and getting another business partner is more because of the lack of the trust that the business partner will be there and follow through and be a good business partner.

Where like the thinking people don't like you and then not going to an event because no one will want you there is more of like the,

Well,

Someone said this mean thing to me once.

And so I believe that has to be true for every event in the future of my life.

And so now if one person doesn't want me at the event,

It's going to feel really heavy and negative because that's what I'm going to focus on.

I'm not going to focus on the people who do want me at the event.

The people who are excited that I'm at the event,

Right?

Because we'd mentioned earlier,

We can't see the love that's already available to us because we're so focused on the pain point.

Right?

And when we focus on the pain point,

We can't see the love.

And then we let the pain point block us from more love,

From more experiences,

From more joy.

So now,

Keoni,

If you were worried that you're the crappy partner,

Then that would make sense,

Right?

But correct me if I'm wrong,

But I think you know that you're pretty awesome and you have great follow-through.

You're brilliant.

You know those things about yourself.

And so for you,

I think it's more about trusting somebody else to match your level of commitment to the business.

Okay,

I need to drink water.

Okay,

So eventually I decided focusing on the pain point,

Viewing the world through the lens of pain wasn't going to work for me anymore.

I was like,

This is enough.

I'm going to be done with this because I'm not creating the life I want for myself.

And at some point,

I decided that,

You know what?

I need to stop operating from the lens of the victim and a powerless mindset.

Like giving this pain,

The pain points,

My insecurities,

All of the power.

Like what?

No.

They don't get to keep the power.

So I stopped letting the pain of the past have the power over my life and I took it back.

I said,

I'm going to be the one in control.

I'm going to have the power.

And I learned how to listen to my emotions.

I learned how to set boundaries,

How to make it through someone being mad at me or not liking me.

I learned how to take care of myself.

I learned to love myself,

How to create the life that I wanted,

How to say no to the relationships and the job positions and I don't know,

Other opportunities that I didn't want in my life.

And was it hard?

Yes.

Was it a journey?

Yes.

I'm not saying this is easy.

I'm saying it is possible.

It is absolutely possible.

And I had to learn how to receive love that was given to me by others.

I had to learn to believe that people loved me and that I was lovable and that I was enough and that I was likable and that people did want me at the party and that people did think I was pretty enough,

Smart enough,

Funny enough,

Right?

But I had to believe it too.

I had to think,

You know what?

I want to go to this party even if so-and-so doesn't want me there.

I'm going to go anyway.

I'm going to have a great time.

I'm going to have a fantastic time.

I'm going to be the life of the party.

How about that?

How about that so-and-so?

I'm going to just have a great time.

And then boof!

That's what I started doing.

So as I did this,

Again,

Challenging but completely worth a journey,

My confidence began to grow and grow and grow.

And now I just allow myself to be myself because I completely understand.

And even though it's not comfortable and I don't necessarily like it,

But I understand that not everyone's going to be a fan of me,

That not everyone's going to get me,

Not everyone's going to like me,

Right?

But it is what it is.

That isn't my purpose in this life to make sure every person I ever encounter that comes across me likes me.

My purpose in this life is to live my life so that it feels phenomenal and so is yours.

Like your purpose is to do the things that are on your heart,

To live your life for you in a way that feels really good so that when you're living for 90-year-old you,

You look back and you say,

Hell yes!

That was an incredible life I've lived.

I did the things I wanted to do,

You know?

I put myself out there.

I said what I needed to say.

I asked for what I wanted.

I took the risks and I was okay.

And every time I fell down,

I got back up.

Every single time,

Right?

And I also tell myself when it comes to like being online because I do have a small online presence and anytime someone says something negative of me,

I just think,

You know,

There's like the most adorable puppy videos out there and people dislike those.

So in what universe is everyone going to like everything I create?

That is just not,

No.

So that isn't my goal.

My goal isn't to make something that everyone likes.

It's to connect with the people that connect with me and my message and what I'm doing and that's enough.

You know,

I don't need everyone to like me for it to be enough.

There's,

It's,

It's very fulfilling to know that impacting one person in a positive way makes a difference because those ripple effects go out and out and out,

Right?

And why not start with yourself?

You know,

I started with me.

You start with you too.

Just start doing things that feel really,

Really good to you.

That let you be yourself.

Like you can be,

You can catch the thought,

Oh yeah,

It felt really,

I want to go to this party.

I feel like somebody might not want me there.

That feels yucky.

I'm going to go anyway,

Right?

So it's definitely a journey,

But it's worth the journey.

So okay,

Where am I at?

Yes.

Okay.

So my confidence grew and grew and grew and I began to let myself just be myself and I had to discover who I was,

Right?

Who am I?

Who's 40 year old Steph,

Right?

Who's a business owner,

A mom,

A wife,

A friend,

A daughter,

Who's had all of these experiences through my life,

But who am I?

And what do I want to be true for me today?

And how am I going to let that unfold?

And how will I continue to discover who I am?

So I want the same for you and for you to take back your power and to be you and to let your confidence grow and grow and grow and grow.

And one day you might wake up like the Grinch and be like,

Oh my golly,

My confidence just grew eight times today and you're going to feel unstoppable.

That's what we're talking about.

You feeling unstoppable.

You owning your awesomeness because you are.

Like I was talking with a client last night and I said,

Just own your awesomeness.

Like just really celebrate who you are.

Do it as if you're teaching your friends how to love their awesomeness,

Right?

Like teach your friends how to own their awesomeness because when they see that you're doing it,

It gives them permission to do it too,

Right?

We all know that poem of,

You know,

Be yourself,

Like you're the light,

All these things gives permission for everyone else to be themselves too,

Right?

We know that.

You know what I'm talking about.

Okay.

Confidence just grew eight times today.

That's right.

Okay.

So as you continue to go down this journey of letting yourself be you,

Right?

So when you think of that scale at the very beginning,

Whatever you put your number on,

You're just going to move it a little bit.

You're not going to go from three to 10,

Right?

You're going to go from three to 3.

1 to 3.

2.

You're just going to let it grow with you each day,

Right?

So I want you to imagine,

Like pretend that there is a canvas,

Right?

You don't have to sprinkle your day,

Your present,

Your future with a pain in the past.

So part of it is learning how to be in the present moment,

Right?

But let's imagine you have a canvas,

Right?

I just,

Here you go.

Here's a canvas for you and you get to paint your life on this canvas.

There's a limitless possibilities.

Look at all these colors and don't worry.

You learn the skills,

How to be a bad-ass painter.

So you don't have to worry and be like,

I don't know how to paint,

Right?

Because you're going to learn it.

You're going to know how to be an incredible painter.

And you have a little palette here and you're like,

Oh yeah,

I have my little palette to put all my paint on.

But one palette is permanent with the pain of the past.

It's just like always filled,

Like it's this nasty color paint,

Right?

It's right there,

Just nasty,

Nasty.

And what you're currently doing when you focus on the pain of the past,

You're like,

Oh,

I love this teal color.

It's my favorite.

Teal,

Teal.

Oh,

I got to dip it in the pain of the past and then paint your canvas,

Right?

And then you're like,

This is not looking anything like I wanted it to.

Well,

Why does it look so blah?

Oh,

This is not exciting,

Right?

And you're like,

Okay,

I'm going to go ahead and put some pink on,

But I'm going to dip it in the pain of the past.

Oh,

Why is this nasty color showing up everywhere?

Oh,

Right?

So my friends,

You do not have to keep dipping in the pain of the past.

You can just dip in that pretty baby blue and just use the baby blue.

And you're like,

Oh,

Now that's,

That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah,

That's looking great.

You don't have to keep dipping in the pain of the past.

It's already on the canvas.

Hopefully it's a little tiny piece in the background.

Like if you look at this painting over here,

It's like that,

Or that rock,

Right?

It's there.

It's a piece of the painting,

But it does not have to be the highlight or the whole painting,

Right?

So make the choice as you continue to put new strokes on your canvas of life to not continuously dip the moment that you're currently in,

In the pain of the past.

So that you can see what you are creating.

You can see the beauty,

The colors,

The vibrance of your life,

Of your painting that you are creating.

And you love boosting your friends.

It's harder to boost myself,

But that's the old you.

That's the version of you who's stuck in the pain of the past,

Who believes whatever meaning you gave the pain of the past,

Right?

The old you found it hard to boost yourself.

The new you loves boosting yourself up.

You're your own hype girl.

You're like,

What's up?

Yeah,

Yeah,

Yeah.

I'm amazing.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Whatever else you got to do,

Right?

Like just take on the identity that it is now easy for you to hype yourself up.

It's just something you do.

And then you practice at it.

Like your ability to hype yourself up that scale one to 10.

Like,

You're like,

I'm horrible at it.

I'm at like a two.

Well,

Then you just go from two to 2.

1 to 2.

2.

And eventually you're going to get to 10.

Right?

But if you're just like,

Nope,

I'm a two and I'm just always going to be a two.

I'm just not going to do it.

It's just hard.

And I'm just like,

It didn't work.

Like I was like,

Woo.

And I still felt bad about myself.

So I'm just not even going to do it because you know,

I tried the one time and I still felt bad and it felt uncomfortable and I just didn't like it.

So I'm just not going to do it anymore.

I'm just done.

I'm not.

So I'm just going to stay at a two forever.

And anytime somebody tells me hype yourself up,

I'm going to say,

No,

I don't.

It's hard to hype myself up.

I just don't do that.

And that is your choice,

Right?

Free will.

That is your choice.

You get to choose that.

Or you can say,

You know what?

The old me had a hard time hyping myself up.

The new me is learning to do it.

The new me is learning to love it.

And so today I gave myself a nice little pep talk and I went to 2.

1 and tomorrow,

The next day I have,

Oh,

I looked at the mirror and told myself a nice compliment and I believed it.

A little what?

You know,

I said,

I like my smile and I do like my smile.

So I believed it.

And then I went to 2.

3,

Right?

This is progress,

But you have to be active.

You have to make the choice.

You have to do it because no one else can do it for you.

Trust me.

If somebody else could do it for you,

It would be done.

Done did.

It'd be gone.

Done already.

So you have to do it yourself.

Two to 2.

1 doesn't seem very scary,

Right?

But it's movement.

And what we're looking for is movement.

We're not looking for like the miracle of,

Whoa,

All of a sudden today I woke up and like everything changed and I'm absolutely,

Wow.

I didn't even have to do any work,

You guys.

It was so cool.

I just have this magic.

I just have this magic wand here.

And I just like,

Poof,

My fairy godmother just poofed me and I just woke up and my life's amazing now.

And I didn't even have to do anything,

You guys.

So my mindset is the exact same as it was yesterday because I didn't do any work,

But I'm hoping that everything's going to stay the same and amazing and awesome because I have a fairy godmother.

And that's not how it happens.

You got to do the work,

Right?

Okay.

So as you go through life,

There will be more moments of pain,

Right?

But life is so much more than those moments of pain.

And that's what I want you to take away from this is that your life is so much more than the moments of pain,

Than the moments of discomfort,

Than the hard work.

There is relief on the other side of the hard work because you get to be you and that's when life gets really good and really enjoyable,

Okay?

So you're going to have to change your lens.

You're going to have to decide to change the lens that you're looking through,

Right?

Look through the possibilities of your enoughness,

That who you are is awesome,

The possibility that you might be awesome,

That you might be lovable just as you are right now,

That people like you,

That you're enough,

You're attractive enough,

You're funny enough,

You're successful enough,

You're whatever you need to be enough of that you doubt,

You're enough of that and you can continue to build on it,

Right?

You can continue to build your skills.

But change your lens,

My friend.

Change it,

Okay?

And you ask yourself,

Are you willing to?

Are you willing to change your lens from the lens of pain to the lens of love,

To the lens of possibility?

Are you willing to change your lens?

Start small.

There's a book called Atomic Habits.

It's really great and in it,

He talks about making a one percent change a day.

But it has to go with the change of who you want to be.

So if you want to be someone that hyped yourself up,

You now start saying,

I love hyping myself up.

I'm someone who hypes myself up.

I'm a self-hyper upper.

I hype myself up.

I hype my friends up.

I hype myself up.

I hype strangers up.

I'm a hype girl.

That's right.

Right?

You just own it and then you're like,

Oh,

What would a hype girl do in this moment?

I'm gonna do that.

Okay,

Okay,

Okay,

Okay.

What would a hype girl do in this moment?

Oh,

That feels really big.

Okay,

How can I break that down to a smaller step?

How can I make that smaller?

Okay,

Okay.

Okay,

That's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna do the smaller step.

Okay.

So yeah,

Do that.

Okay.

So then just start small and watch yourself grow and take back your power and crack the shell that has been hiding the real you.

Break the wall that's been hiding the real you.

Let yourself discover you a little bit each day.

A really great example of this is,

I think it's like,

I don't know what year this movie came out,

But it's a Julia Roberts movie.

Who loves Julia Roberts?

And it's called Runaway Bride.

And it's such a great example because it shows how she would like,

How Keoni was talking about earlier,

Like a chameleon,

But she was doing it in a way that she didn't even know who she was.

She was just changing herself to fit her partner so that,

You know,

Her partner liked her,

But she didn't even know who she was.

So she had to like experiment and try different things to be like,

Do I like this?

Do I like that?

What do I like?

Right?

She had to discover herself.

Yeah.

A William Roberts,

A Julia Williams.

I think you accidentally tagged someone in it,

But that's cool.

I'm sure,

I'm sure William will be like,

Yeah,

Cool.

Okay.

So let's do a quick visualization.

So go ahead,

Take a nice deep breath.

Close your eyes.

I'm just coming to this moment.

Okay.

Now I want you to think of a time in your life when you experienced a lot of pain.

This can be when you were little tiny.

This could be last week.

This could be five years ago.

Just go to that time,

Go to that version of you and see that version of you.

And when you find them,

Just notice where they show up in your body.

Just notice where they arrive.

And then just go be with that version of you,

That part of you,

Just go sit with them and just ask them what they need from you to heal.

And just listen to whatever the first responses are.

It's okay.

You know,

You don't have to get too logical,

Just receive what comes up.

And if you're willing,

Let them know that they are safe now,

That you love them and you promise to take care of them.

And you can even take a moment and tell them about your life now.

Tell them about all the tell them about all the cool things you do,

How awesome you are,

What skills you have.

You could even show them the cool things in your life,

Your amazing friends,

Your loved ones,

Activities you do,

Your hobbies,

Whatever it is.

Maybe it's outfits that you buy,

Something you created,

Whatever it is,

Is fine.

Just let them see how much you continue to grow and evolve.

Sense that time.

And then ask them if you can take them somewhere,

They would feel safe if they trust you to take them somewhere where they would feel safe,

Loved and comfortable.

And this place can be real or pretend.

And then just take them there and see if they like this place.

And if they're like,

I thought I'd like this place,

But I actually don't like it.

Go ahead and let them pick a new place to go to.

Because that's a beauty of life.

We get to change our decisions.

We get to change when something doesn't work.

And then just ask them if they're happy at this new place,

If they like the new place that they picked.

And then if there's anything else that they need,

Anything else you could do for them that would help them feel loved and accepted.

And are you able and willing to do this for them?

And if so,

Just let them know.

Good.

And now just take a moment and breathe in the love,

This moment with them.

Notice if that version of you feels calmer,

Soothed.

And maybe you can make a commitment to them that you are going to practice discovering who you are and being more of yourself.

And then when you're ready,

Go ahead and take in a nice deep breath.

Go ahead and open your eyes and return to this moment.

So how are you feeling?

Are you ready to start discovering who you are?

If you are,

Say yes in the comments.

Let me know.

Are you ready to start letting yourself be free to be you?

Are you going to give yourself the permission to live your life for you regardless if other people don't agree with you,

Don't like it,

Are uncomfortable with it,

Right?

Because let's be honest,

You wanting to be you isn't you hurting other people,

Right?

You're not like,

Well,

I just want to be someone who runs machine guns and just like does terrible things.

That's not your authentic self.

Your authentic wants to dance at the party,

Wants to go to the event,

Wants to wear that shirt or that dress,

Wants to try out makeup,

Wants to go do that one,

Stop being a therapist and become a coach,

Right?

Like there's so many different things that you want to do that you get to do.

So you get to give yourself the permission to be you because at the end of every single day,

You're the one who has to have peace with how you're living your life and how you're showing up today is how you're showing up for 90-year-old you,

For 100-year-old you,

For 120-year-old you.

You're going to live that long,

Right?

And also how you show up today is how you're showing up for you tomorrow,

Next week,

Next month,

Next year.

And so you don't have to take these huge,

Wild,

Gigantic steps to make progress.

Keep it small,

1% at a time or go from the 3 to the 3.

1 to the 3.

2 and you will see the change taking place and it won't feel so scary.

And people won't all of a sudden show up and be like,

Wow,

You're completely different than I remember because you're taking this slow journey,

Right?

And I mean,

The people you see years from now will be like,

Wow,

You've changed.

You could be like,

No,

I just started being myself because you get to do that.

This is your life and your life matters and you get to live your life for you in a way that delights you,

You know?

You get to do that.

So that completes today's class and I just want to remind you that you do belong and I love you and I accept you and so you get to be you when you're with me.

I have enough space in my life to love you as you are and I'm going to sneeze.

Okay.

So say it with me.

I am enough.

I matter.

I make a difference.

My life is important.

Fantastic.