Your Key To Authentic Relationships: Ep 10

If you're a single woman dating after 40 and you're struggling to find Mr.

Right because you keep chasing unavailable guys,

In this episode we'll talk about the second step in my proven framework to transform your dating journey into the fastest path to find Mr.

Right.

I'm going to break it all down,

Give you stories,

Examples,

And things that you can start today so you don't want to miss it.

Let's get going.

Welcome to the Stop Chasing Unavailable Guys podcast where I teach single women over 40 the fastest path to find Mr.

Right so you can stop wasting time on emotionally unavailable guys.

I'm your host,

Truly Eleanor,

And I'm here to give you the tools to find the love you desire.

After years of coaching women worldwide and breaking my own patterns to find Mr.

Right in my 40s,

I know love is closer than you think.

Let's get started.

Welcome,

I'm so glad you're here.

Today we're talking about pillar number two of my let love in technique,

And you can think of the let love in technique as the opposite or as opposed to chasing after love,

Which is what I did for decades until I was able to meet my husband,

The love of my life.

If you want to hear my story around that,

You can just go to episode one and two for that.

My technique and framework as a love coach is a three pillar approach,

And today is the second pillar.

I like to call it the love pillar.

Today we're going to be specifically starting with what I call love goggles.

We're going to take off the love goggles.

I'll explain what that is and why we have them and what to do and all of the things.

But basically when we have love goggles on,

We only see what we want to see.

We chase after futile people and circumstances because we see the fantasy,

Not the reality.

Think rose colored glasses,

Except this is about dating specifically.

My favorite quote of all time is by Anise Neen,

And she's a French novelist and essayist.

And she said,

We don't see things as they are.

We see things as we are.

So there's good news and bad news about that.

Basically,

We can change and heal and get more introspective and more clear about what we're doing and how we're seeing things.

But the bad news is that often we can get caught up in this love goggle type of thing because we don't even realize we're doing it.

And that's why pillar number one,

If you've listened to episode 10,

Is around awareness.

So once you've started to dive into that awareness and you can see the patterns clearly and you've uncovered some blind spots and done the work around that,

Then the next part is to look at the love pillar,

The love goggles.

So how does it affect you to wear these love goggles?

Well,

I gave some examples earlier,

But I'll tell a story of my own personal life.

So I was dating someone in my 30s,

And he seemed to be the whole package.

He was influential in his career,

Helping youth,

And he was a respected person in his community.

He was admired.

He was very handsome and well-spoken.

And I literally thought I had hit the jackpot.

I could not believe it.

But in our personal life,

He was unable to process deep emotions.

He was not able to accept my emotions.

And he threw himself into his work and never wanted to talk about why he pulled away.

So essentially,

I was wearing love goggles in this relationship.

I saw all his amazing qualities,

But the love goggles distorted the true nature of our relationship.

It was emotionally turbulent.

It was toxic.

And I had to do everything in my power to literally get his attention on a daily basis.

It was exhausting.

And my fantasy did not match the reality.

And our words didn't match our actions.

So that's what happens when you're wearing love goggles.

You get duped by the story,

The fantasy,

The romance,

The ideas,

The words.

You get duped by the potential.

You live in a fantasy,

And you love it.

Because it feels so good,

And it feels sort of otherworldly.

But it never comes to fruition.

So you're basically left heartbroken once again with the reality crashing down around you when you finally realize nothing will change.

And this is,

In fact,

A fantasy.

And maybe months or years have gone by,

And you've had your enough-is-enough moment like I had,

Where I was just done with the fantasy,

And I wanted the real thing.

I wanted true,

Authentic love.

I wanted to feel connected to myself and to someone in a relationship.

I didn't want it to be mostly longing and hoping and wondering when it was going to change.

So when you've done your healing work,

You will see things differently.

In other words,

You'll see that you deserve better than chasing after love.

That's why we need to take off these love goggles.

So how do you do that?

How do you take off the love goggles and truly love yourself to a new experience?

In part one of our framework,

We dove into finding your truth,

And we talked about clarity and seeing what is happening and what you've been doing up until this point in terms of patterns.

Today is about loving your truth.

Love yourself through the awareness,

Your newfound clarity of yourself.

Forget about retreating to a fantasy world that feels really good.

You have to actually make that decision,

Because there's nothing better than the feeling of accepting your true self and being deeply connected to who you are,

Which is the third pillar.

So instead of the love goggles,

You want to love your truth.

Instead,

You want to be real and grounded.

And what this essentially means is you're taking your power back.

You're taking your power back from your experiences and your choices.

The first part of this is healing and forgiving.

The hardest thing I ever did was to forgive myself.

And this is really a work in progress,

So you continue with this over time.

You're never fully done,

And you're never fully healed,

But it's okay.

You don't have to be this perfectly healed person in order to find a wonderful,

Lasting,

Deeply authentic love.

So when we heal and forgive,

The reason we do it is that,

As you know,

Living with resentment,

Anger,

Holding on to old wounds will affect your present life and keep you from creating what you want.

You'll continue to see things as you are.

And if you are hanging on to these wounds and this anger and this disappointment and resentment towards yourself,

Towards other people,

You're going to continuously see this in the world,

And you're going to attract it to you.

And being upset with yourself and with others will eat away at you and interfere with your happiness and ability to move forward and date with true power.

So the solution is to release yourself from this emotional and energetic imprisonment.

And a few things you can remember at this phase,

Because I know it's very difficult to forgive,

And it's often a huge topic that people really shy away from.

But what you can remember is that it all starts with trusting your heart.

Trusting that your heart is strong,

And what you've been through in the past can't hurt you anymore.

And your heart is wise and strong and intuitive.

And your heart can lead you where you want to go if you'll let it.

The heart is ready for this.

Your heart is ready to open.

That is your natural state of being open-hearted,

And it's only been closed over years of experience with trauma or past relationships that were unhealthy or whatever it is.

All those things have caused your heart to close,

But that's not what the heart wants to do.

So healing and forgiving is really allowing the heart to be its true self and to blossom.

You can think of your heart as blossoming and opening.

And the second piece of this love pillar is what I call befriending your emotions.

Now,

The problem is when we reject parts of ourselves or emotions that we deem are unacceptable,

We lose confidence.

And we look for validation from others.

This is where we may start to be duped by someone we think is better than us or stronger than us or more valuable than us,

Like in the story I was telling earlier.

When you admire someone to the extent that you're not really seeing how they're showing up for you,

That's an example of when you start to reject yourself and you maybe don't have the confidence in who you are and how strong you are and how much you deserve a beautiful relationship where someone will show up fully for you.

Befriending emotions is simply allowing them to come to the light and welcoming them home.

They have a right to be witnessed.

I have a story,

An example of something that I went through that I found very shocking and actually very cathartic.

When I was growing up,

It was really not acceptable to be angry.

There was only a few people in my household who were allowed to be angry and even full of rage.

But others,

We had to stay quiet and be good.

And so when I grew up,

I was afraid of my anger.

I was afraid of this rage that I was feeling because everything had been bottled up.

And so on my healing journey,

As I came to befriend my emotions,

I decided to do an exercise that a mentor had taught me to simply call forward this anger.

And so I took a quiet moment in an afternoon and I was laying on my bed and I said,

Okay,

Anger,

I invite you to come forward.

It is okay for you to express yourself.

It's okay for you to be seen and to release.

And all of a sudden I started to feel my entire body shaking.

My limbs,

My legs,

My arms,

Everything was shaking as if I was freezing cold or something was just moving through me in such a powerful way.

And even though I was a little bit scared and a little bit worried about what was going on,

I instinctively knew that it was safe.

And so I just continued to allow and said,

It's okay.

I invite you to come forward,

Anger.

I invite you to come forward,

Rage.

And I literally felt this huge wave,

Like a tidal wave of anger and rage,

Vibrating and shaking out of my body.

And afterwards,

I just felt like a million dollars.

I was so much lighter.

I felt like I had seen a part of myself and witnessed and truly honored those emotions and it had left my body.

It had released,

Leaving me to be lighter and to feel so much space within me and so much of a greater connection to myself.

And it was truly an amazing experience.

And I don't recommend maybe doing that by yourself,

But if you have somebody that is a trusted person who can help you,

Who's a professional or a counselor or a therapist or someone who does somatic body work,

I would highly recommend doing something like this because it was truly life-changing.

From that moment forward,

I just felt so much more myself.

And it's not that all of a sudden I never got angry or I didn't feel this anger ever again.

It was that that old experience had left and I was able to process my emotions in a much healthier way on a regular basis and to befriend those emotions.

And so I hope you find that story inspiring because it was very,

Very cathartic for me.

And so things to remember around befriending emotions,

You can use your voice as a very powerful way to do this.

So telling yourself that any emotion you have is okay,

Saying it out loud or even using your voice through written word.

That's another way to use your voice.

So writing it down,

Inviting your emotions to come forward,

Saying it's okay that you're not going to judge this emotion because remember you're loving yourself through this awareness.

You're loving yourself through the healing.

Because the truth is we're human beings and any emotion we feel is part of our human experience.

We can release and witness these emotions in a healthy way.

You can soothe your wounded heart to tell yourself that you did the best you could and that it all makes perfect sense what you've done and experienced up until now.

You can use your voice to tell yourself that you are your greatest cheerleader,

That no matter what you have done or not done or whatever you believe you have failed at or anything that proves you are not good enough in quotes,

These limiting beliefs is not true and that the truth is that you are a wonderful,

Beautiful,

Compassionate,

Intuitive person who deserves true lasting love.

All right.

So we can just take a deep breath and let out some of this intensity and move on to the third piece of this love pillar.

The third piece is what I call untangling yourself.

The best part of this love pillar and taking off the love goggles is that you get to experience true compassionate love with yourself and others and this is what it means to untangle yourself.

So the problem is if we're only allowing our best parts of ourselves to have a say in our life choices,

We're living a lie and we're wearing the love goggles that keep us out of integrity and unable to love in a deeply authentic way.

We are actually giving power to the parts of ourselves that are not allowed to speak and this is where the subconscious or those unconscious patterns start to take over and you might have heard of shadow work before and this is how the shadow really starts to take over is when we don't allow all parts of ourselves to be seen and to love ourselves through all of these parts.

So we want to live in integrity.

That's how we heal.

That's how we get through this love pillar and find that true authentic love within ourselves and with others.

So when we're not allowing those parts of ourselves to come forward and to be and to be witnessed,

This creates disharmony and imbalance in your body,

In your mind,

In your heart and it translates to the inability to feel close with others and it creates a huge amount of self-doubt.

So the solution is integrating our whole self into our dating life and this will give us connection,

Confidence and the ability to form a loving relationship.

And so to do this,

It sounds complicated,

But really to do this you need to trust your intuition to show you a way to be compassionate and loving and this is my favorite thing to teach and I love doing this.

I've got a course,

Master Your Intuition,

To find love and a lot of other tools and techniques and to use your intuition when it comes to dating and it will show you a better way to show up for yourself.

It's a way to be kind,

Loving and supportive of yourself which will help you make good choices and bring you the love you deserve.

That's really what your intuition and what your heart's desires are here to help you do is to lead you towards that and you merely have to allow yourself to be led.

That's another meaning that we can give to this love pillar is we're allowing ourselves to be led towards what we truly desire.

It's just all these other things get in the way,

Fears and things that we limit ourselves with and judge ourselves with and judge others with that gets in the way of being directly led to what we want.

So I'm going to close off today with some reflective questions which you can just allow to sink in or you can think about them and write down some answers later.

So first I want you to brain dump your fears around accepting yourself and truly loving yourself with this love pillar and all the things we've talked about today.

It may sound counterintuitive but sometimes when we start to heal and really open up to creating what we want and bringing in the love that we desire,

All kinds of fears come up around it.

For example,

It could be a fear of being truly seen.

So when you think about this beautiful relationship that I'm going to have,

This person who's going to fully show up and it's going to be intimate and authentic and full of integrity,

Maybe I can't handle that.

Maybe I can't be that honest and open.

Maybe I don't know how to be that authentic.

What if it doesn't work?

What if I can't do it?

What if I fail?

Those are some examples of some fears that you may have around accepting yourself and loving yourself through this awareness.

Second question is why is it important to have this loving acceptance?

Loving acceptance is really the ticket to freedom.

From this place of acceptance you can then go on to form a loving,

Self-respecting relationship with yourself and make choices that are good for you.

But you can come up with more reasons and your own reasons of why you think it is important to have this loving acceptance to really embrace this love pillar.

And lastly,

How will it change your life when you fully accept yourself with love?

What will you be available for once you love yourself completely?

I hope this has been helpful.

I'll just leave you with a couple of ways that I have used to switch the love goggles for this deep loving acceptance.

Going back to my very important journaling.

If you've heard any of my episodes before,

You'll know that I've been journaling since I was 13.

And I consider it a truly remarkable tool for loving and connecting to yourself and forgiveness and healing and all the things that we're doing here.

I also have used EFT tapping,

Emotional freedom tapping,

Where I actually will use one point.

So you pick one pressure point and tap on that and tell a story.

So this is where you're using your voice.

For example,

To release anything that's in the way of you not embracing this loving pillar,

This loving acceptance of yourself.

So for example,

You would start maybe tapping your chin and telling the story of how you just can't possibly accept yourself this way.

You can't possibly love yourself this deeply.

Because remember,

With tapping,

You're releasing all of the things that you no longer want and all of the emotions that are stuck in your body around what you don't want.

So you want to talk about the things that are in the way,

Not positive reinforcement.

So that's how I use EFT tapping for healing.

Again,

You can see a practitioner to help you to release these emotions from the past and find someone that you trust to help you release maybe a somatic practitioner or doing any kind of therapy.

And then doing guided meditations.

So you can do archetypal healing where the archetypes actually represent an emotion.

And you call that archetype forward in a guided meditation.

I have a lot of those types of meditations that do deep healing by connecting to archetypes.

That's a very,

Very powerful way of healing.

And I want you to remember as we leave today,

You don't have to be perfect and healed to have a relationship.

This is an ongoing process of healing and becoming.

So you can fully show up and attract someone who will show up fully for you.

Our next episode,

We talk about pillar number three of my Let Love In technique.

So it's the in part.

The most important piece to finally attract someone who's deeply harmonious and compatible to you.

You don't want to miss it.

So tune in next week for that.

And remember,

Love is closer than you think.