Stop Ignoring The Red Flags, Settling For Mediocre Relationships, And Trying To Save Other People

You do not need to convince somebody to love you.

You are not in the business of selling yourself to somebody in the name of love.

You gotta give to yourself what you're seeking from other people.

You're getting all the red flags.

You keep saying the same thing over and over to your friends you're like,

You know,

He's good but he just doesn't do this one thing.

Or sometimes he says this to me and that doesn't make me feel good but you know,

Maybe he's just,

Stop making excuses for other people.

Stop making excuses for unhealthy behavior.

You deserve more.

It's okay to be alone.

Hey everyone,

It's Vasavi Kumar,

Licensed therapist and your host of the Being Human with Vasavi podcast.

For over two decades I have been relentless when it comes to understanding and figuring out why we think the way we do,

What stops us from going after our dreams and how to get anything we want in life.

From Mind Body Green to VH1 to Fox News and some of the top rated podcasts out there,

My message has always been consistent.

When you know yourself,

You can do anything.

I've helped thousands of people from all walks of life,

From stay at home moms to entrepreneurs to people in recovery to start thinking differently and change themselves from the inside out.

And I'm gonna do the same for you.

Whether it's through the interviews I have with my guests or answering your questions right here on the show,

Here's my promise to you.

If you're willing to take action on even 1% of what you hear today,

Your life will be unrecognizable.

Get ready for unfiltered and unscripted conversations with some of the brightest people in mental health,

Marketing,

Relationships and business.

We're pulling back the curtain so you can see what it really takes to be human and become the person you wanna be here on the Being Human with Vasavi podcast.

If you're in a relationship and you are even remotely thinking to yourself,

Is this worth it?

Or I'm not getting as much as I'm putting out in the relationship,

Right?

So you find yourself overworking,

You find yourself exhausted,

You find yourself really trying more than your partner,

Then I really want you to ask yourself,

What am I doing?

Some of y'all are in relationships with people where you got all the red flags.

Like all the red flags are right there in front of you.

And the problem is not that you are,

In denial about any of it.

The problem is that you're aware of those red flags,

But you keep hoping and wishing and waiting that that person is going to change.

Now that's insanity.

It's straight up insanity,

Right?

For you to really seriously sit and look at this person that has shown you time and time and time again that this is who they are.

When someone shows you who they are the first time,

Believe them,

Maya Angelou said that,

Not me,

But I think it's very appropriate to share that right now that when someone shows you who they are over and over again,

Believe them.

And so if you're like,

No,

They're gonna change,

No,

It's probably me,

Or if I just do this,

Or if I just do that,

Things will be different.

That's insanity.

Now I'm all for believing in other people's potential,

Okay?

I really am.

I am a licensed therapist and I am a coach and I have been for the past 10 years and I believe in my clients and I believe in the people that come to me and say they wanna change.

There's a big difference between someone who is open and willing to take action to change their behavior versus somebody who keeps maybe even saying they wanna change but they haven't done jack shit about it,

Or somebody who's like,

It's your fault and they turn it around on you.

That's the worst,

Right?

When they turn it around on you and then you think you're the problem,

So then you start trying to fix yourself.

And while I'm all for personal growth and self-development,

What I'm not for is you settling.

And I'm not for you lowering your standards and making excuses for other people.

Now we could sit here and we can blame the person that you're with and say it's their fault,

They need to change,

But what I really wanna know from you is why are you allowing it?

You can still work on yourself,

You can still work on changing the way you deliver your message,

You can still work on being a little kinder,

Of course we can.

Is the other person willing to make this work?

Cause then you're in a one-sided relationship,

Right?

So I stayed in this relationship for so long,

Ignoring all the red flags.

I was his sugar mama,

I paid for everything.

He wanted to start using drugs,

I started using drugs with him.

Like shit that I never even thought that I was capable of doing.

I lost myself so much in that relationship.

And so if you're listening to this and you're in a relationship and you don't even recognize yourself anymore and you're like,

Who have I become?

If you become desperate,

If you become needy,

All you can think about is this person.

And if you're anxious all the time when you don't hear from them,

This person is not healthy for you,

Right?

I've read all the attachment style books.

One of my favorite books is Attached and it really taught me that I do have an anxious attachment style,

Which means when I feel like I am being abandoned or when I don't hear a lot of communication,

I do start to get nervous.

I've worked on that and so I make sure that I do not.

Really put myself in situations with people that are going to bring that out in me.

Like I want secure relationships,

But I had to work on feeling secure within myself first.

It is no one's job to make me feel secure.

But let me tell you something,

If you're gonna be in a relationship,

Have it be with someone who's not gonna bring all of that out in you.

One of my friends,

Mark,

He posted this on his Instagram page,

Create the Love.

He said,

Healed people,

Heal people.

Let me say that again.

Healed people,

Heal people.

What I realized now looking back on that soul sucking relationship that by the grace of God I am out of,

Is that we were both broken,

Right?

Like I was needy,

I was codependent,

He was codependent,

The guy that I was with.

And we both just brought that out in each other.

He avoided situations and when we had conflict,

I was running closer towards him.

I just wanted to fix it.

I just wanted to make it right.

And so you really gotta look at where you learned that from.

Where did you learn that from?

Our first model of relationships comes from what we see with our parents or with our caregivers.

So for me when I was a kid,

I brought it upon myself to always try to fix my parents' marriage unsuccessfully.

They're still together but it's not that romantic,

Fantasy,

Happy ending that I always wanted as a kid.

But now as an adult what I realize is that it is no longer my job to overwork and to fix and to manage and to make sure that everyone around me is okay at the expense of my own mental,

Emotional,

Spiritual,

Physical wellbeing.

You may be thinking to yourself,

But you don't understand this person is really great,

Whatever,

And you may try to hold on to a few things that are good in the relationship.

And I don't doubt you,

I don't doubt it.

I don't doubt that that relationship may have its moments.

Are you here to live for the moments or you want the whole experience?

That's something that we do when we're hopeful is that we just look for those little moments.

But when you're living your life with someone,

When you're sharing your heart and your soul with someone,

You just wanna live for those moments or you want the whole experience.

Because for me the whole experience has to outweigh a few fleeting moments.

Depending on what age you are or the culture that you come from,

You may be getting pressure like,

Oh,

You're 30,

You should be married by now.

Or maybe you're divorced and your family's pressuring you to get married again or you're putting pressure on yourself to get married again or be in a relationship.

Your entire self-worth and self-validation is based on somebody else loving you.

You got some work to do.

I told you that being human with Vasavi is not gonna be some coddly bullshit.

I'm telling you straight up what I wish I would have known for myself few years ago so I didn't waste all those years giving,

Giving,

Giving to someone who'd had no capacity to give back to me.

And while I don't regret it,

Because I truly believe that everything that we go through is intended to help us grow,

I do think we could stop the insanity.

If we slow down,

Pause,

And if we rationally ask ourselves,

Is this relationship actually fulfilling or am I holding onto it because I am afraid of being alone?

Now,

If you can honestly answer that question,

You might actually find that you're not satisfied in the relationship.

But with that comes a little bit of disappointment,

Right?

Because here you are,

Maybe you've invested your time,

Your energy,

Your heart,

Thinking he or she was the one.

And all along,

You've abandoned yourself,

You've betrayed yourself,

You wait around for a text,

You wait around for a phone call,

You wait around for something,

A breadcrumb,

Something to show that they love you.

And what do you do in the meantime?

You allow your thoughts to run wild,

You go down that rabbit hole of what did I do wrong?

Maybe if I just would have done this,

Maybe if I just say this,

Maybe if I buy them this,

Maybe if I say it in this way,

Then they'll love me.

You do not need to convince somebody to love you.

You are not in the business of selling yourself to somebody in the name of love.

You gotta give to yourself what you're seeking from other people.

You're getting all the red flags,

You keep saying the same thing over and over to your friends.

You're like,

You know,

He's good,

But he just doesn't do this one thing.

Or sometimes he says this to me and that doesn't make me feel good,

But you know,

Maybe he's just,

Stop making excuses for other people.

Stop making excuses for bad behavior,

For unhealthy behavior.

You deserve more.

It's okay to be alone.

Some of y'all are in relationships with people where you feel more alone when you're with them than when you're not with them,

Right?

You sit next to them while you're watching Netflix and you don't even think you're next to somebody.

You're like,

You feel empty,

You can feel that tension.

Why?

I would rather just be by my damn self than invest my space,

My energy,

My presence to be around somebody where that feeling of loneliness is exacerbated.

So I had to really spend time with myself.

I had to get to know this person that was Vasavi.

I had to ask her what she wanted out of her life,

Not in a relationship,

Because we jumped straight to the kill.

We're like,

Okay,

This is what I want in a relationship.

Separate yourself from that relationship and just focus on the relationship you have with yourself.

You're in a relationship with you.

What do you want for yourself?

We're putting our emotional eggs in somebody else's basket,

Thinking if they just do this,

If they just buy me this,

If they just ask me to marry them,

If they just say they love me,

Then I'll be okay.

But then when they don't do those things,

You're not okay.

You don't feel okay.

Even if they say they love you,

Even if they wanna marry you,

That feeling,

That neediness is never gonna go away.

If your wholeness and your security is dependent on somebody else saying and doing things for you,

Then you haven't solved the problem.

You've just put a big old sexy bandaid on top of the wound.

Get those wounds healed.

And the solution is to spend time with yourself,

Is to get to know yourself,

Not be jumping around from relationship to relationship to relationship.

I'm saying this from personal experience.

I went from marriage to divorce to another relationship into another relationship where I got engaged.

I got engaged.

Within five years of getting divorced and going through one toxic relationship to another toxic relationship,

I got engaged.

Can you guess where that relationship ended up?

Because I was not willing to sit with myself and just be alone.

I went from,

Maybe this guy will fix me.

Maybe this guy will fix me.

Oh,

This relationship seems to be perfect.

This relationship is it.

This relationship is the one.

See the common denominator,

And some of y'all may not wanna hear this,

The common denominator in all your failed relationships is you.

So until you work on yourself,

Until you feel good about yourself without another human being,

You will constantly find yourself in the cycle of wanting,

Wanting,

Needing,

Needing,

Never feeling full,

Never feeling full.

You're never gonna feel full if your fullness is dependent on another human being.

You cannot expect another human being to fill you up.

That is up to you to do that.

That is an inside job.

And I know it's scary.

The thought of being alone,

The thought of not having a good morning text or a good night text or I love you text really gave me a lot of anxiety.

I had to give myself the chance and that's what I did this past year.

I am not going to involve myself with anybody else.

When my last relationship ended back in October and I went off to India to go to yoga teacher training,

I really spent the time.

Even after I got back,

Back in December,

I was like,

Okay,

It's just me.

We're not trying to get back together.

He's not knocking on my door saying,

I love you.

Breaking up with you was the worst thing I ever did.

He wasn't coming back to me.

I was chasing him.

You're not desperate and you're not thirsty.

Stop chasing people.

Stop chasing people for the love of God.

Your already crushed spirit is gonna like turn into powder.

For real.

You don't need to keep doing that to yourself.

I know it seems like the end of the world,

But it's not the end of the world.

It is not the end of the world if somebody does not wanna be with you because at the end of the day,

Guess what?

You still have you.

You still have you.

And if you're saying to me,

But Vassa V,

That's not enough,

There in lies the problem.

The problem is you don't think you're enough.

The solution in your mind is that you think somebody else is gonna make you feel enough.

That is the problem.

The solution is you sitting down,

Asking yourself,

What do I want out of my life?

Take a look at every single area of your life.

Take a look at your finances.

Take a look at your career.

Take a look at your friendships.

Take a look at your home.

Take a look at your business if you have one.

Take a look at your body.

Take a look at your relationship to food.

Take a look at your spirituality.

Take a look at your mindset.

It all starts in your mind.

How you choose to perceive your life will manifest in the relationships that you have.

If you think you're empty,

If you think you're not enough,

You're gonna end up being attracted to and attracting people who are going to bring that out in you.

You gotta feel enough.

True story,

Every single relationship that I've ever had,

I've always met the men that I've been with at the lowest points in my life when I did not feel good about myself.

And to this day,

I still don't know what it's like to attract a man when I'm vibing high,

Because this is the first time in my life that I'm vibing high,

That I feel good about myself,

But I don't wanna give myself to anybody right now.

I wanna give myself to me.

Some of y'all are attracting people in your life when you're not feeling good about yourself,

Like attracts like,

And if you're insecure,

You're attracting somebody else that's insecure,

That does not lead to security,

That leads to more insecurity.

Or maybe you are insecure and you attract someone who's secure,

But that insecurity is gonna override all the goodness and you're gonna screw it up,

Because you yourself are not secure yet.

So you gotta learn to be secure on your own.

Or maybe you are secure and you attracted someone who's insecure.

My dad always says this to me,

He goes,

It's so much easier to be brought down than it is to lift somebody up.

So maybe you are the secure one,

But maybe you're with someone who's super insecure and no matter what you do,

It's never enough.

And then you feel bad leaving that person.

You're like,

It's my job to take care of them.

It is not your job to take care of anyone.

Transformation is an inside job.

You cannot save anybody.

And if you are a secure person and you can honestly say that,

Then you gotta ask yourself,

Why the hell do you keep insecure people in your life?

Why are you allowing yourself and your peace of mind to be robbed by somebody who is unwilling to do the work on themselves?

I have a criteria now.

You know,

As someone who's been in therapy since I was 12 years old,

I've done a lot of work on myself.

My life basically handed me my ass and I had to work on myself.

I had to take a hard look at myself,

But I swear to God,

The next guy that I meet,

I'm gonna be like,

Have you been to therapy?

Have you worked on yourself?

Have you healed your wounds?

But I don't need you to put your trauma on me.

Don't emotionally dump on me,

Bro.

Some of us are willing to take it.

And I was one of those people.

I was willing to take it.

I played the role of mommy,

Of therapist,

Of coach,

Relationship coach.

I was trying to fix the relationship all the time.

And then I was like,

Okay,

Maybe I just need to chill.

Maybe everything's okay.

But my intuition was like,

No,

There's something not right here.

And if you're hearing that voice and you're ignoring it,

You are part of the problem.

You are not listening to your intuition.

Your intuition has always been there.

You've just chosen to ignore it.

Why?

Why are you ignoring your intuition?

Why are you ignoring that voice that's telling you get the fuck out of this relationship?

Why are you ignoring that?

Because you're hoping?

Because you're waiting for that Disney fairytale ending?

I believe in people.

I literally get paid to help people go from point A to point B.

So it is part of my DNA to believe in people.

I believe in all human potential.

I believe in the potential of human beings.

But I also know now,

Personally,

That it does take so much more than just believing in somebody,

Right?

They gotta be willing to do the work.

I can't do the transformation for you.

You gotta do the work yourself.

And that was the missing piece for me.

If you think that you sending people to,

You know,

Sending your partner to therapy,

Sending them articles,

Sending them books,

Going to couples counseling,

Doing this,

Talking to them,

Sending the memes,

Is gonna solve the problem,

No.

Actions speak very loudly.

If you notice you're doing all the work and you haven't seen any changes,

I want you to ask yourself,

At what point in your life did you make it your job to fix people?

Because you are part of the problem if you are doing that.

I want you to try stepping away.

I want you to try saying,

You know what?

It is no longer my problem.

You are your own person.

You gotta work on yourself if that's something that you wanna do,

Right?

It's not my job.

You deserve better.

And I could tell you that you deserve better till I am blue in the face.

I could literally spend the next 40 minutes telling you that you are worth it and you are worth more and you deserve more,

But you gotta start to believe it.

And here's how you start to believe it.

Start doing the things that you've been saying you wanna do and you haven't been doing.

Start looking at how you're spending your time.

Are you spending your time trying to uplift everybody else?

And then at the end of the day,

You got nothing left for you?

Are you spending your time suggesting books to your partner to read?

Going to therapy sessions?

And just having them kind of sit there passively while you're doing all the work?

Take that same time and energy and put it on yourself.

Start that fitness routine.

Start eating well.

Start writing.

Start journaling.

Start doing what you wanna do.

Wake up every day and ask yourself what you wanna do.

Ask yourself what makes you happy.

Give that to yourself.

You do that enough times.

You do that every single day consistently throughout the day.

This is what you're gonna find.

You're gonna find that you're able to give yourself a lot more than you gave yourself credit for.

You're gonna find that all the things that you were looking for from another person,

You can give to yourself.

You're gonna get to a point where you feel so good about yourself that you're gonna be able to detect the leeches.

You're gonna be able to detect the unhealthy people who haven't done an ounce of work on themselves.

You're gonna have better boundaries for yourself.

You start honoring and respecting yourself.

You're no longer gonna tolerate the bullshit that you've been tolerating.

It's up to you.

It starts with you.

I'm not telling you to break up with anybody.

That's not what I'm saying at all.

What I am saying is though,

Give yourself all the things that you're seeking from your partner.

If you're in a relationship and you're like,

You know,

I wanna make this work,

Make it work and focus on you.

You keep making those changes on yourself.

Keep doing what you wanna be doing for yourself.

Time will tell.

I don't know what's gonna happen with your partner,

But you'll know.

You'll see yourself growing and evolving and expanding and doing those things that you wanna be doing.

You'll see it and you'll see whether or not they're gonna step up or step on out.

It's up to you.

The choice is yours.

If you're going through a breakup right now and you need somebody to talk to,

Know that I am here for you.

I have been through it.

I know how to help.

I know what needs to be done.

I know what does not need to be done.

And sometimes you just need somebody to talk to.

So just know that I'm here for you.

Allow yourself to become the person you know you can be.

Learn to love and honor and respect yourself.

You deserve way more and it starts with you.

Thank you so much for listening to today's episode on the Being Human with Vasavi podcast for even more inspiration,

Motivation,

And no BS advice on how to get anything you want in life,

Book a call with me over at vasavikumar.

Com.

If you loved today's episode,

Be sure to screenshot it and tag me at hirevasavi,

H-I-G-H-E-R,

Vasavi.

Feeling extra generous?

Leave the podcast a positive review on iTunes.

And remember this,

When you know yourself,

You can be,

Do,

And have anything you want.

Thanks for watching.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

You're welcome.

Thank you so much for listening to today's episode on the Being Human with Vasavi podcast for even more inspiration,

Motivation,

And no BS advice on how to get anything you want in life,

Book a call with me over at vasavikumar.

Com.

If you loved today's episode,

Be sure to screenshot it and tag me at hirevasavi,

H-I-G-H-E-R,

Vasavi.

Feeling extra generous?

Leave the podcast a positive review on iTunes.

And remember this,

When you know yourself,

You deserve way more and more advice.

And remember this,

Leave the podcast a positive review on iTunes.

And remember this,

When you know yourself,

Be,

Do,

And have anything you want.