Live Event: Dealing With Perfectionism 11-10-2022

So I am going to change it a little bit up but this is a practice about perfectionism and I always like to start with the negative,

Get it out,

Type it out,

Share it with us and you can share what you've been dealing with with perfectionism.

What are you struggling with today?

Especially today.

What are you struggling with with perfectionism?

I would love to read that and it always helps me to set an intention and get it off my chest by writing it down.

So please share in the chat what you're dealing with or maybe you're just curious and you're here like yeah I want to do some meditation practices for perfectionism.

There's a difficult one Jacob.

Never feel like I'm doing good enough at work.

Is it particularly with work?

Excuse me if I ask two personal questions.

You don't need to answer but I'm always curious.

Is it really only at work or also other areas in your life like relationships?

I am one as well please.

And I know that one as well.

I need to prepare a class for December.

Still accepting my mistakes.

Okay.

Yeah Jacob.

Okay Raghuza I'm feeling my artwork isn't good enough and holding you back from your true self.

Thank you for sharing that.

That's actually a great point you make with perfectionism and maybe I'm already ten steps ahead.

But you know it is holding probably our version,

Well a nice version of ourselves which is artistically,

You know,

Growing and it's holding us back or socially like you mentioned.

So thank you for sharing that.

Yeah,

Yeah.

Many times I feel I could do better.

Okay so we all see here different things.

People struggle in different areas of life but also different things but they're all actually the same.

If that makes sense.

We don't think we're good enough.

Not good enough.

Like we said,

Not good enough.

So it all sometimes stems also from self-esteem right?

And I have also other talks here and I'm posting,

I'm making more on Inside Timer.

I have a bunch of meditations here but also talks on Inside Timer so give me a follow if you like.

But I've also been doing schema therapy and that's actually a schema so that's a pattern we have in life and one of them is having perfectionism,

Unrelenting standards which also boils down to low self-esteem or thinking we're not good enough.

I also do have talks about limiting beliefs.

One of them is indeed I'm not good enough.

I also have a lot on my Inside Timer about procrastination actually.

I have seen a couple of you share here.

I actually have a 10-day course on Inside Timer to deal with procrastination with mindfulness.

I do that because A.

I'm a former procrastinator and a really big perfectionist as well so I combined my research,

My research background with my love for mindfulness so I'm sharing their practical tips and meditation practices to deal with perfectionism but mostly with procrastination.

So if you're interested in that go and you know it's just 10 days,

It's 10 days.

But why I'm bringing up procrastination is that sometimes perfectionism might actually be perceived as oh this positive thing you know you are this hard worker you're disciplined but procrastinators are those lazy people and but they're both on the same spectrum they're both same thing sometimes.

Procrastination is part of perfectionism.

More and more research is now actually going into this.

Procrastination is not knowing how to start and perfectionism is actually not knowing how to finish because the result needs to be perfect but sometimes also not being able to start because it needs to be perfect before you even start it.

My energy is getting high again because I get so excited about sharing this because I've struggled with this a lot.

But let's just not all focus here on what we're struggling with with perfectionism right because you also want something to help you with I guess.

And it's a pity indeed that it stops people.

I actually also stopped making art as a result of it at some point.

And thank you Jacob for the donation by the way.

I really appreciate it because not only do I like to share and keep sharing this information that I've learned but you know I can help hopefully more people and I do my research.

I back things up with research studies from psychology and also what I just shared about perfectionism may be perceived as positive piece.

Also research is diving into that that procrastination is wrongly perceived as people being lazy but procrastination is part of perfectionism so it's just not knowing how to start because the results need to be perfect.

And perfect with both perfectionism and procrastination are these unattainable standards which might negatively impact a person's mental health and physical health.

And I also do not take this lightly because I suffered from this mentally,

Physically and spiritually.

Thank you again for the donations and just being here.

And I don't think time management will be the solution for you if I'm going to be honest.

I do have a lot of talks and it can sometimes help but it's that idea that self-esteem of I'm not good enough.

So what can we do?

Well the first step is and you're already doing it,

You're learning about perfectionism.

You are being here,

You are sharing,

You are being aware.

That's the first thing.

So awareness is important but then what?

You know I don't just want to raise awareness.

I always dislike it when you have these influencers who are just like raising awareness but when it comes to the solution you need to pay.

Well I don't have a quick fix for you but I do have something to share and I often share a meditation practice.

I make a combination of things I found in research which have really helped but also from my own experience what has helped me also basically part on schema therapy and that is emotional regulation.

I cannot tell you enough emotional regulation and visualization.

We're not going into childhood trauma today.

I don't have time for that unfortunately.

I am not trained for that as well.

I won't be doing that.

We are going to do a general peaceful visualization which you can of course stop anytime you want.

The chat is sometimes stuck and then it goes really quickly but I see the heart.

Thank you so much.

And I'm going to ask you to also notice and feel your emotions because another big part and also someone has shared that before is I'm afraid to make mistakes.

And it's actually not the bad thing that we make mistakes.

Of course we all are allowed to make mistakes right but the perfectionist doesn't think like that.

They think maybe you have emotions which the thought of that emotion is actually scarier than actually feeling that emotion.

Might sound weird but in my case I was so worried to make a mistake I would do everything.

I would work 80 hours a week,

Try to be perfect in my PhD because I wasn't allowed to make mistakes.

But then I made a mistake and I was like well actually no one cares.

So it was the thought,

The anticipation of that emotion,

Of fear that was actually worse than the actual fear or shame I felt with making a mistake.

And I think perfectionism,

I am diving into the research about the emotional regulation.

There is not that much.

It's quite general like we need to regulate our emotions but a lot is now focusing on shame based.

That we are not really able to handle shame as an emotion of fear.

And then indeed I look,

The next thing what will really help you is compassion.

Thank you for bringing that up.

And Rosa I do have an answer for that but then I am talking for 30 minutes and this is only a 30 minute practice and it does have to do a lot with our childhood unfortunately and our caregivers.

You are afraid to make a mistake and avoid it is how you deal with it.

That is indeed procrastination in some circumstances.

So first step is being aware of perfectionism and your perfectionism,

Perfectionistic behaviors.

Second is get it all out there,

Be aware and then try to feel those emotions and not suffer from it but feel them and experience them and then eventually regulate them.

And then being able to be compassionate towards yourself.

And what will also help with compassion is also affirmations and visualization.

So make risk feel less scary and make friends with imperfection.

Are you guys ready to do a quick visualization?

Are you ready to go through this practice of what I just shared and set an intention?

I see some yes yes yes that makes me happy.

Indeed I look,

Oh you are so brilliant yes.

Okay absolutely,

Okay let's slow down because I am high in energy today luckily but for you I will slow down.

And you can sit with a straight spine,

Feet touching the floor and keep your eyes open if you want to join me in a brief alternating nostril breathing technique which goes as follow.

You close one nostril and you breathe in through the other and you hold it and you breathe out through the same nostril and you change.

So you breathe in and you breathe out.

And we are only going to breathe in through the nose this time.

So this is the medium version,

This is not the easy version,

It is only breathing through the nostrils and out through the nostrils.

Thank you please.

Are you ready?

Breathe in,

Hold it and let that go.

Switch breathe in.

Hold it and let that negativity go.

Switch breathe in.

Hold it and let your expectations go.

Switch,

Breathe in slowly.

Hold it and you can just let go.

One more,

Breathe in and let go.

Return to your natural breath,

Hands palms open in your lap and you can close your eyes.

Feel your feet touching the floor,

The earth beneath you.

Maybe move around your shoulders and your neck to get comfortable and let's just slow down.

If your mind starts to wander,

Return to your breath or the sound of my voice.

And let's go inwards,

Into that body of yours.

And ask yourself,

What emotions am I feeling right now?

And what might be helpful is to state the emotion out loud and give it a number from 1 to 10.

For example,

Anxiety 7,

Happiness 10.

And if it's a mixture and difficult,

That's okay.

Just say it's a mixture but it feels like an 8 or a 9.

Okay well done.

And I'm going to ask you to set an intention of what you want to work on today regarding your perfectionism.

Maybe you already shared it in the chat,

Maybe it's in an area of work.

But set an intention and it might sound like this.

I would like to work on my perfectionism regarding releasing my art.

I would like to work on my perfectionism when I'm writing.

And can you start to visualize yourself in that situation and really see yourself?

For example,

You are behind your desk and you want to write and look at your own face.

And pay attention to your face to see what is happening.

Maybe you look stressed,

Anxious,

What do you see?

And how does that make you feel?

Are you only seeing the negative?

Really breathe through that.

And what are you afraid of that will happen?

Really look at your body language and how you look.

If it gets too difficult you can focus on your breath.

And how would it look like if you would make a mistake and really feel that in your body?

And breathe through that and what do you feel in your body?

Okay,

Well done.

And can you now think of a different situation but really again look at yourself and your face?

Can you visualize a moment where you were proud of yourself?

Or you were celebrating something,

It was a very pleasant event.

Can you visualize that one right now?

And have a good look at your face.

Are you smiling,

Are you excited?

How is your body moving?

Maybe you are surrounded by friends or family or lovely pets.

What is happening and really see it?

And how do you feel looking at that?

What emotions are you feeling?

Do you feel proud,

Happy,

Successful,

Calm?

Maybe you helped someone,

You felt helpful,

You felt good.

Well done,

Well done.

Can you switch one more time back to the perfectionism,

To the visualization of you being afraid to make a mistake?

One more time back and has the level of intensity shifted?

What are you feeling when you see yourself?

And is this a worry or can this be the truth?

Is this something you can truly control or are you allowed to make mistakes?

And I'm going to ask you to or place your hands on your heart or give yourself a hug.

And I'm going to ask you,

Can you be someone who feels more positive and comforted without this worry?

Aren't you allowed to make mistakes if you make them at all?

Does it really matter?

And state out loud with me as affirmations.

I am doing my best.

I am working on my perfectionism.

I am allowed to make mistakes.

I am good enough.

I am perfectly imperfect.

You can let that go.

And final time,

Go back to that moment you felt proud of yourself.

Look at your face.

Look at the people around you.

Are they smiling at you?

Are they happy for you?

Are they also proud?

And how do you feel right now?

Can you have another check in with your emotions?

And state again your emotion and give it a number from 1 to 10.

And can you thank yourself for taking this time apart for you?

And can you thank the 160 meditators here with you?

You are not alone in this.

More people suffer from perfectionism.

And know that you will work on your intention.

You can open your eyes,

Move around a little bit.

Well done.

And come back.

How was that experience?

Please share in the chat,

I am curious.

And for those who joined in later,

And also Alok was also sharing,

Yeah it is indeed based on behavioral science.

We have done a lot in this brief visualization and the main thing we have done was actually feeling our emotions and shifting.

Knowing that even though you anticipate that something bad will happen in your perfectionism and you are afraid to make mistakes,

Feeling that feeling will help you.

It will help you release it or regulate it.

And if you then shift to a positive memory or a fake scenario,

You can also feel hey my emotions can immediately shift right?

And that is the thing.

If we can shift between those settings,

We are able to be more grounded.

But we also started with grounding and just the alternating nostril breathing technique will help you to become grounded but also be more happy.

Another really important thing,

It sounds childish but it really has helped me is okay I am feeling this emotion and usually I also touch the place where I am feeling the emotion and it is a number from 1 to 10.

And also maybe you will notice that after this visualization it actually changed.

We have also done some affirmations.

I do want to remind people that I make them quite general and not too positive because psychology studies have found that if they are really fake and you don't believe the positive affirmations,

It will actually backfire.

I also used to struggle with this in the beginning when I did affirmations.

I was like but I don't believe I am good enough.

So really only do those when you really believe them.

And we really visualize how do we look when we are in our perfectionistic mood.

So it is really important that you are aware of the emotions but also what are you indeed fearing,

What will happen.

Another tip besides this is,

The tip I have gotten is to actually make mistakes.

It is such childish practice but that will help you to feel those emotions when you make a mistake.

And I would always feel like suddenly shame would enter and I want to explain myself.

No,

No,

No I didn't.

No but sometimes I now just make a mistake and people are like why did you do that?

I am like yep and just bear it because that is good for my perfectionism.

It is a weird tip but it helps me to regulate my emotions.

And to also deal with the anticipation of a certain emotion because otherwise procrastination and perfectionism become that negative cycle.

Okay a lot of people shared in the chat.

I usually have the affirmations.

I sometimes they come and speak to me.

Peace is I am good enough,

I am doing my best,

I am perfectly imperfect,

I am allowed to make mistakes.

And Jacob,

Why do I start bawling every time I meditate?

Oh I had this for a long time,

Oh my gosh.

And that is actually a good thing.

It is release,

It is release.

So thank you for sharing.

I hope it feels like release but no it will also at some point will end.

That is also a thing.

I always thought I would cry forever but it does end for some.

Okay it felt nice Julia,

Great.

Okay yeah it can be indeed hard to then shift to a different position right Stephanie?

To the hey I am proud of myself.

I didn't say it was easy.

Yes Rosa a lot came up in the copse cycles rather than being permanent.

Yeah indeed that is what I wanted to make clear.

These are all cycles and nothing is permanent.

Thank you for sharing this.

I think it is so much about perfection but I am not good enough.

I give myself permission.

Yes Grace,

Excellent.

And I think more people have shared that here.

That it is actually all about I am not good enough.

So for those who joined in later if you are like oh no no I missed it.

I also have a lot on my Inside Timer profile also with limiting beliefs.

And that is also limiting belief.

I am not good enough.

So give it a listen or give me a follow.

I really appreciate it.

Yes my sessions are indeed based on evidence from science.

I am a scientist after all.

I am a behavioral scientist.

Thank you for sharing that and confirming that.

And thank you Pete for the donation.

This really helps me because I want to share what has helped me.

You know I want to share and hopefully help more people like me.

So thank you for your donation.

But I am over time.

I am very sorry about that.

I said I would do 30 minutes but it is 36.

So give me a follow on Inside Timer.

I also have a 10 day course in English and in Dutch about dealing with procrastinating behavior with mindfulness.

And I am so grateful that so many people could join me today.

But also that you are all sharing in the chat and engaging.

And that really makes this,

Yeah I love doing this.

So thank you for that.

I am closing off.

Hopefully you have a good night or day ahead.

And I will see you maybe in the next life.

And otherwise give me a follow.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you for the hearts as well.

I saw them the whole time.

Thank you.