Welcome.
I am Annamarie,
Your host of Excel in Rising.
Today I want to talk to you who live with PTSD.
To you who live with chronic hypervigilant state.
I'll read a poem I wrote about this hypervigilant part in us.
It's called Captain Captain.
And if you ever did internal family system work,
If you know IFS,
I'm referring from a witnessing part,
Okay,
Adult self to hypervigilant part,
Which is born as a cause of complex trauma.
So that part I'm calling Captain.
The Captain part is born from complex trauma,
Right?
And that part doesn't just appear out of nowhere.
That part in us,
Hypervigilant part,
Is transformed from the most vital,
Alive,
Curious part of the body.
Very innocent part.
A team player.
A captain.
And that part in us,
We all have that,
Had to be transformed into the protector,
Into someone who is continuously alert.
The part who never rest.
The commander,
The doer.
A part who cannot dissociate.
Soul people with hypervigilant state.
With complex PTSD.
You know that part,
Right?
And what's very important here,
By nature,
So if you look without trauma or before trauma happened,
That part is your will.
That's your innate power.
That's your tenacity.
That's when you're your best.
That's when you're playing your game and you're just in the zone.
There is a flow of confidence.
Your body just leads without overthinking.
That's your inner warrior.
The one who wants to play,
To live,
To be with others.
It's an innate aliveness,
Vitality.
And in trauma,
This part becomes the one who guards the door.
Who is protecting all your inner parts.
Your inner child.
Your tired part.
Part who wants to dissociate.
Part who doesn't want to live anymore.
The part who is so young and unprotected.
And captain is a part who never lets you sleep.
Who never lets you relax.
Who cannot stand you or others to move slowly or talk slowly.
It goes nuts if it needs to wait.
For others or for self.
It has zero patience.
It's always on it.
It has zero tolerance for anyone or self to take time too.
There is no time to think.
To reflect or contemplate.
Or see yourself fully in front of the mirror and witness.
That's a luxury for that part.
That part inside of you.
The moment you start to noticing yourself on the mirror.
You just want to take a look.
Who is that person?
That part pulls you out.
And it's already on the next five things you have to do.
And with that part there is only urgency to act and survive.
So you feel exhausted.
Burdened.
If you're judging yourself for always being tense.
For the loud demanding voices in your head.
Yelling at you.
Commanding.
Well this is your captain.
And there is a moment in therapy when clients recognize what they had to transform.
Because you had to transform that.
And become that part.
In order to stay alive.
And this is a turning moment for many people.
I can even say for all people.
It's a turning moment in the person and their PTSD healing.
It's almost a moment where we can see how we were forced.
To transform that innocent captain of the team into a hyper-vigilant.
Very strict.
Very demanding.
Ruthless and restless.
Captain.
A general.
Innocent captain of the team had to be transformed.
So this is for you.
For all of you.
For all of your hyper-vigilant captain inside of you.
And just witness and notice.
This is a poem for that part of you that keeps you always alert.
Oh captain,
Captain.
Oh captain,
Captain.
Don't be so stunned.
You had to leave your innocence so the team could survive.
It was never you who disappeared.
But the trust in humans you had to let go.
You gathered your troops,
Put up the shield,
And became a vigilant master.
Never allowing yourself or me to pause or rest.
You were afraid I would resign and drown you down into the death we witnessed all the time.
You pulled me up,
Commanded me to move.
All those years.
You kept me alive.
When all my body wanted was to shut down,
You shouted in my ears to get up.
When my legs wanted to collapse,
Terrified by strangers.
You moved into my muscles,
Into my feet,
Pushing me through the doors I never wanted to step into.
You pulled my shoulders up,
Lifted my head.
When I was seen as less.
And when all in me covered in shame.
Wanted to hide and look only at the ground.
When I received hatred,
When I received injustice,
You,
Captain,
Never returned with hatred.
You always knew what was right and just,
And helped others,
Even when the two of us were left to die so many times.
Your acceptance of injustice and all the crimes wasn't defeat,
But the reality of war and horrors you witnessed ahead of time.
You were a part of me.
When you became silenced and I was losing my mind,
I thought I wasn't even worthy of your help.
But you gathered your strength so we could survive.
You kept me alive.
And I thought you had given up.
You pulled me up.
You wanted to resign.
And I.
My captain,
Captain,
I see you now.
Exhausted and burdened,
Pulling me through the trenches of war and displacement.
You commanded,
You shouted,
You pushed,
You screamed into my head.
Not because you saw me as unworthy.
As the world did.
But because you never wanted to give up on humanness and the worthiness inside of us.
I see the toll you paid,
Keeping me up,
Giving me spark when all in me wanted to die.
You lost your innocence,
You had to transform.
From the game to defense,
From peace to war,
From trust to vigilance,
From child to captain.
Your drive and sense for justice kept me alive.
Your acceptance of injustice was never okay.
But it was the wisdom of an old soul knowing how to keep me quiet and small.
You made us hide so we could survive.
And you did your best not to let me give up.
We did the best we could.
Just two kids.
We were so young and we survived.
Now can we slow down?
My dear captain,
You can take a rest.
You can regain trust.
And if you see me pause,
I didn't resign.
I am adult now,
Taking a rest and watching you play the fear game.
I am alive and I'm not giving up.
And I thank you for saving me.
My life.
So let's pause,
Just pause.
And absorb those words.
Can you feel that part of you,
The one who never slept?
Can you feel your captain?
That vigilant voice in your head is not cruel,
It's not broken,
It is sacred.
It carried a whole of you when everything inside was falling apart.
And it wanted you and still wants you alive because it knows you deserve a life.
And now,
Maybe just,
Just maybe in this moment,
Captain can sit beside you,
Not ahead of you,
Beside you.
It can pause,
Can pause.
Soon your next days,
Maybe after this episode,
Pause together and bow to your captain.
Bow to that voice.
And let your captain know.
That you honor.
That you truly honor them.
And that can rest.
For many of us,
War is over.
For many of us,
Trauma is over.
Even it's still alive in our head.
And if you're living in active state of trauma,
Because you are in displacement in war,
Let it captain be alive.
Your captain knows what to do.
It knows how to keep you safe.
It knows how to keep you small so you survive.
It knows how to keep you away from others.
Because it's safe.
And your captain will not allow you to resign.
It has enormous wisdom.
Your body,
Your biology,
Your nervous system,
Your soul.
Has enormous wisdom.
Don't push it.
Don't fight it.
Don't condemn.
Don't minimize.
Don't devalue.
Honor it.
Honor.
As I honor you on your journey.
I am Anamaya.
This is Excelent Rising.
Subscribe and as always,
Much care.
Much care.
