Navigating (External) Conflict

Hi,

And welcome to this science talk and journaling exercise designed to help you navigate conflict.

This session is the sequel to Navigating Internal Conflict,

Which you can find on my profile page.

Navigating Internal Conflict helps you to better understand your inner experience before you engage in conflict resolution strategies.

I highly recommend you to listen to Navigating Internal Conflict,

Because I will only touch upon this topic briefly in this practice,

And it's important to navigate your inner experience well in order to have a healthy conversation with another person.

Okay,

Assuming that you've been familiar with my work and you've done Navigating Internal Conflict,

Or you just went back to it,

Let's start with Navigating External Conflict.

So let's start with our definition of conflict.

What is conflict?

Conflict is a natural part of human relationships and interactions.

It arises when there are differences in perspectives,

Goals or needs.

While often perceived negatively,

Conflict can be an opportunity for growth,

Learning and deeper connection when approached with the right mindset and tools.

This meditation is such a tool,

And it will help you bring others closer to you,

As well as learn more about your own and their underlying needs and perspectives.

The literature on conflict firstly developed in organizational psychology,

And it has focused specifically on three types of conflict.

First task conflict,

Second process conflict,

And third emotional conflict.

So the first one,

Task conflict,

Occurs when there is a disagreement about the content and outcomes of a task being performed.

This type of conflict can be about different opinions on how to accomplish a goal,

On different opinions about what the goal should be,

Or the methods and strategies to achieve the goal.

Task conflict can be very productive if it leads to better decision-making and better solutions.

Process conflict arises from disagreements about the logistics of task completion,

Such as how do we delegate responsibilities,

How do we allocate resources,

What's the timeline for completing tasks.

It's more about the how we execute a task than about what should be executed and to what end.

Process conflict can be constructive if it results in more efficient workflow and clearer rules.

The third one,

Emotional conflict,

Is the tricky one.

Emotional conflict,

Also known as relationship conflict,

Is much more personal,

And it stems from interpersonal issues between individuals.

This type of conflict is driven by feelings,

Such as anger,

Mistrust,

Resentment,

Jealousy.

Emotional conflict is very destructive if it's not addressed,

Because it will hinder collaboration and connection.

While task and process conflicts are often easier to identify and to articulate,

Many of the most challenging and persistent conflicts are rooted in deeper emotional issues.

What appears to be a disagreement about tasks or processes may actually often be fueled by underlying emotional conflict.

To truly resolve conflicts,

It is essential to uncover and address these emotional layers and be able to identify underlying personal needs on both sides.

To resolve conflicts effectively,

We must delve into the emotional underpinnings that drive our reactions and behaviors.

Let me explain some steps to help you navigate that process.

I will briefly outline the internal practices that are necessary for healthy conflict resolution.

But I want to make you aware that there's another important in-depth meditation session on this topic,

Called Navigating Internal Conflict.

I find that this is a necessary first step to take,

So be sure to find it and listen to it either now or after you've completed this practice,

Before you engage in resolving your next conflict.

Step 1 in diving into your inner experience is truthfulness with yourself,

Or satya.

Satya is part of yoga philosophy and it invites us to cultivate honesty in every aspect of our lives,

Starting with ourselves.

It encourages us to look inward and acknowledge our thoughts,

Feelings,

And experiences with gentleness and without judgment.

By honestly seeing ourselves,

Our strengths,

Our vulnerabilities,

Our needs,

And our limits,

We can begin to accept ourselves with compassion and understanding.

If you have been meditating with me for a while now,

You may have practiced satya in the meditation,

Navigating Internal Conflict.

Doing this repeatedly is useful because it requires complete honesty with yourself to be able to resolve a conflict with another person.

Before we engage in healthy conflict with another,

We first need to be able to identify what happens inside ourselves.

Emotional conflicts are often a mix of mismatches of needs,

Emotions,

And stories we tell ourselves,

And it's important to disentangle those for yourself before you enter a conversation with another person,

Particularly a person you care about and wish to stay in a good relationship with.

The second internal practice that is important to do is to be vulnerable.

In order to resolve conflict,

We need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable to be truly seen by the other person.

Rene Brown defines vulnerability as emotional risk,

Exposure,

And uncertainty.

So what does that look like?

It's admitting that you're scared,

That you're insecure,

That you're imperfect,

That you're in need of help,

And it's sharing or doing something when you cannot control the outcome.

When we are vulnerable with another person,

We openly and honestly share how we feel and what we think underneath all the layers.

So the top layer might be,

I'm mad with my partner for being late because I think they don't respect me.

The vulnerable layer is,

I'm anxious that the fact that my partner doesn't show up in time means that they don't care as much about me as I care about them.

You can imagine why sharing feedback from a place of vulnerability will work better than sharing it from a place of judgment and blame.

If you are vulnerable and you allow yourself to be seen fully with all the layers,

It opens up space for the other person to do the same.

Okay,

So let's move from internal practices to external practices.

According to Charles Duhigg,

A journalist with an interest in human psychology who recently published a book on the neuroscience of communication,

One of the biggest mistakes people make when entering a conversation is to be in it to win it.

To converse with the goal to convince the other person.

You need to get off your educator's seat and move into a space of curiosity,

Listening and holding a safe space for the other person to express themselves.

The real goal for you to enter a conversation should be understanding.

So how do we learn to understand better?

Step number one,

Make the other person feel safe.

Psychological safety is key in fostering a feeling of connection and growth.

If we want the other person to be open to our feedback,

We need to create a safe space for them to grow.

They need to feel safe to experiment and fail without fearing blame,

Criticism or repercussion.

One very important way to make the other person feel safe is by making them feel like you are here to learn about them,

Not to judge them.

Fostering a learning environment starts with you.

Are you here to win the argument or are you here to learn and grow as a team?

Leading with vulnerability,

Admitting your own mistakes and shortcomings,

Your own insecurities is often a really good place to start.

Another great place to start is conversational turn-taking.

Make sure that everyone speaks roughly the same amount of time.

So if you just shared something,

Perhaps follow up with a question.

Another great way to make the other person feel safe is to start with some things you truly appreciate about them.

Sharing gratitude is a great way to make the other person feel seen and appreciated.

When you share gratitude,

It's important to explain not just that something felt good,

But also why it felt good.

Let me give you an example.

Instead of saying,

I'm so grateful we got to spend the day together yesterday,

Say,

I'm so grateful that you cleared time from your busy schedule to do something fun together because I know you have a lot on your mind and it makes me feel truly important and connected that you took time and were so present with me.

As you can see,

You do not only express the fact that you liked something,

You also show that you see the effort that went into it and you express the deeper needs that this action meets for you.

Step two,

Write it down.

In order to navigate a conversation that might get heated,

It's really important that you create some sort of emotional buffer.

When we get into emotional conversations with our loved ones,

No one is perfect.

I'm certainly not.

The other person will say things or say them in a certain tone and it will trigger us to get defensive,

Angry,

Frustrated because we feel like what they are saying needs to be counter-argued with facts.

Our primary goal in resolving conflict,

Though,

Is to make sure that we listen to how the other person experiences things.

And in order to do that without reacting from a place of defensiveness,

It really helps to write things down.

Writing things down will help you to keep your mouth shut.

It will help you to filter out words and tone that might trigger an emotion in you.

And it shows the other person that you're taking notes and must find what they say really important.

It also helps you to organize your thoughts so you process the actual valuable information better.

So from now on,

Every important conversation with a partner,

A loved one,

Or a colleague at work,

Write it down.

As a last comment,

Writing down can be a very useful tool when you are talking to a person who is emotionally crossing your boundaries or isn't able to yet communicate their needs,

Wishes,

Or issues in a truthful,

Vulnerable,

Open,

And aware manner.

Especially when you have been doing some inner work for a while,

And you're able to communicate your observations,

Feelings,

Thoughts,

And needs,

You will notice that a lot of people don't have that skill yet.

You will notice that many people don't have that skill yet.

If this is the case,

Or if you need to have a conversation with a person who you do not trust to be vulnerable,

Honest,

And curious with,

Writing things down can be a barrier in order for you to focus on the content,

Rather than on the emotional part of the conversation,

And get important information out without being emotionally overwhelmed or triggered by the situation,

The tone of voice,

Or their facial expressions.

Keeping your eyes on the paper and focusing on the content can be a real breath of fresh air,

And may allow you to distill what you need to de-escalate.

Step number 3.

Be curious.

Instead of blaming the other person for their behavior,

Ask questions.

Be curious about the intentions behind their behavior.

As Charles Duhigg describes,

Don't be in a conversation to win the argument or to convince the other person.

Be in the conversation to learn about the other person,

To understand the other person.

Curiosity is key.

So ask questions.

Here are some questions to consider.

How did that feel for you?

What made you decide to do that?

Where do you think you learned this?

Is there anything I can do to help you with this?

Step number 4 is to truly listen,

And more specifically,

To make the other person feel like we are listening.

These are two separate things.

We often think that if we just sit still and listen,

That's it.

But for the other person to feel heard,

We need to repeat what they just said in our own words,

And check in with them,

Whether this was correct,

Or preferably,

Whether it was wrong.

The bonus is that having to summarize what someone said actually helps you to process information better,

Because you are using the new information actively.

So you will both be a better listener and be perceived as a better listener.

So you may say,

Okay,

So if I understand what you just told me,

But let me know if I'm wrong,

You're trying to help because you're worried that the child is hungry.

Feeling truly seen and heard is essential for feeling connected.

And this is usually where conflicts go awry.

One of the things that makes it very hard to listen in conflict is our own emotional involvement.

Those things that people say that hit us in the feels tend to be the only thing we focus on.

So that's why I use writing as a tool in coaching.

It structures my thoughts,

It helps me not to get emotionally overwhelmed with what people tell me,

And it helps me not to react immediately but get back to topics of interest later.

It makes me a much better listener.

Conflict researcher Dr.

John Gottman mentioned that writing things down is also a very useful tool when talking to partners.

It takes the emotional load off and it makes the other person feel like you find it important enough to take notes.

It will also help you to summarize and give back what you've just heard without completely exhausting your mind while you listen.

The last step is validation.

This may be the hardest of them all.

When you ask the other person questions,

You may get back information that's emotional.

Try to meet emotional information with compassion.

It's not about whether what the person is feeling is correct,

Or the appropriate response,

Or about how you feel about their feelings.

This is about recognizing,

Allowing,

And validating the experience of the other person.

Let me give you some examples.

Say we have expressed our need to feel more connected to our partner.

And our partner lets us know that in order to connect more,

They need to feel more autonomy and freedom in making decisions.

Then they express how lately they have felt quite restricted and have interpreted our feedback as critique,

And have felt quite hopeless and lonely as a response.

Now the goal here is not to show them that their rationale is incorrect,

That they actually deserve the critique,

Or that they are taking things way too personally.

The goal is to recognize the feeling,

Acknowledge the feeling,

And hold it with compassion.

That will look something like this.

First we recognize.

So it sounds like you felt really alone and perhaps sad?

Then we acknowledge.

I can imagine that must feel awful.

Compassion.

I would love to help you feel better.

And last,

Accountability.

I'm sorry that my behavior has had this effect on you.

Let's be clear here.

In the end,

We are not responsible for the emotions of other people.

Emotional responses are made in another person's body,

And the only person who can change those is that person.

However,

That doesn't mean we cannot take accountability of how our actions feed into their emotions,

And make an effort to be mindful of how our behavior plays a role in the emotional experience of another person.

This is what validation is all about.

And you will see that once we start practicing validation,

The emotions of our conversation partners will immediately soften and release.

Okay,

It's time to take our journal out and write down how you will approach your next conflict with someone you care about.

First take a moment to write down your own observations,

Stories,

Feelings,

And needs.

What is happening factually that is making you upset?

An example.

When you come home and you walk right past me.

Factual observations always start with when X happens.

So take a moment to write that down for yourself,

And you can hit pause before you move on to the next topic.

Second,

What are you thinking when this happens?

An example.

When my partner comes home and walks right past me,

I imagine or think that my partner doesn't care about me,

Or cares more about doing their next chore than about greeting me.

So what goes on in your mind always starts with I think or I imagine.

Take a moment to write that down for yourself,

And you can hit pause on the recording.

Okay,

So write down what you are feeling when this happens.

So an example can be when this happens,

I imagine this,

And I feel lonely,

I feel sad,

And maybe a little anxious.

Last,

We write down what the underlying need is that is not being met.

So you can write down,

For example,

My underlying need for connection with you isn't being met.

So take a moment to write that down for yourself.

What are you feeling?

And what is the underlying need that isn't being met?

And you can hit pause on the recording.

Now write down how the other person might help you in the future.

An example can be,

If you come home,

I would really love it if you give me a hug and a kiss before you do other things.

This makes me feel loved and close and connected to you.

Now take a moment to write this down for yourself.

What would you like the other person to do,

And what would it mean to you?

Last,

Write down how you will present your feedback to the other person.

So an example that connects everything we've just done would be,

When you come home and you walk right past me,

I imagine that you don't care about me,

And I feel lonely and sad because I really want to connect to you.

So take a moment to write this down in a clear sentence that separates what happens,

What you think or imagine,

How you feel,

And what underlying need is not being met.

Now when you've got that written down,

Write down how you will create space for the other person to share their experiences.

First,

You want to make the other person feel safe.

You can ask a question,

Share something you're grateful for,

Or lead with vulnerability.

Let me give you an example.

I can imagine I'm not always aware of your needs,

And I may sometimes forget to do something that really matters to you.

So I would really like to learn more about your experience and see if we can both be mindful of each other's needs.

Would you like to share your experience?

Then write it down.

Tell them you are here to listen and learn,

So you will write things down.

Writing will also help you to regulate any negative emotional flare-ups that might happen as a result of your conversation partner being imperfect in their delivery.

3.

Ask questions.

Take a moment to write down some questions you might ask the other person when they share their experience with you.

Be aware that because they haven't done this exercise,

They might not express their feelings,

Thoughts,

Observations,

And needs perfectly.

So you can ask questions to better get at the bottom of what is going on for them.

Sentences like,

Tell me more,

Or what was that like,

Or how did that feel,

Or what can I do,

Are open-ended questions that invite the other person to elaborate,

And that are always good.

4.

Listen.

So after every 5 to 10 sentences,

Summarize what the other person said,

And check whether your perception was correct or incorrect.

This is a really important part,

Because it will make the other person feel heard.

Step 2,

Writing things down,

Will help you with the summarizing.

5.

Validate.

Imagine what they might say,

And how you might validate their feelings.

Write down how you will recognize,

Acknowledge,

Be compassionate,

And take accountability.

Congratulations,

You are now well prepared for resolving your next external conflict.

Please know that it will take some practice to get better at this,

And let these skills come natural to you.

If you want to use this tool as a relationship manager,

I strongly advise to set apart one hour per week to do a talk on the topic of your choice,

So both conversation partners get a chance to play around and practice these skills with topics that are not always already really heated.

So regularity is key,

And discussing topics together before they get super,

Super heated and emotional is also a really great way to practice these skills.

If you want to make this part of your regular practice,

It may also help to have your partner or friend or co-worker listen to the tracks Navigating Internal Conflict and Navigating External Conflict.

Thank you for practicing with me today.

Wishing you well,

And have a lovely rest of your day.