Grief: Feeling Into The Heart Three Months Later

We do not have to rely on memories to recapture the spirit of those we have loved and lost.

They live within our souls in some perfect sanctuary,

Which even death cannot destroy.

Hello,

Welcome to John R.

G.

Healing.

That quote is by Nan Whitcomb.

In mid-June of this year,

My mom passed away at the age of 77 after a 16-month journey with cancer.

Her passing has been difficult for so many reasons.

Living in San Francisco while she was in the Boston area,

I could only visit her once after her diagnosis.

My mom was a recovering alcoholic with nearly 41 years of sobriety,

But the impact of her earlier years left deep wounds.

As her child,

My core wound has always been abandonment.

I've been on a lifelong path of healing from that pain since my late teens,

Trying to make sense of it all.

When we learned that her cancer had spread,

She made the courageous decision to stop treatment and enter hospice care.

I took a red-eye flight to Boston,

Feeling a mix of urgency and fear,

But with a clear intention.

To be there,

Fully present,

To witness whatever was about to unfold,

And to hold space with love.

I arrived at the hospital early in the morning,

And as soon as I saw her,

I burst into tears.

She opened her arms wide and motioned for me to get into bed with her.

Lying there,

With her stroking my hair as I cried,

I felt something shift inside me.

My inner child was desperate for that touch,

That tenderness.

I was transported back to a few moments from childhood when she would hold me like that,

Before the alcoholism took over.

It was such a raw,

Beautiful moment,

Filled with so much love and pain.

The next day,

She went home for hospice care.

I wanted so much for her to be comfortable,

To feel loved,

But as the medications took hold,

She could no longer speak.

I remember panicking,

Calling the hospice team and alerting my family members,

And a nurse told us she would probably pass within a few days,

But it stretched into a week.

That week was more excruciating than I could ever imagine.

No one had prepared us for what it would really be like.

It felt both traumatic and strangely sacred,

Holding her hands as she slipped further away.

I stayed with her as much as I could,

Talking,

Singing,

And playing soothing mantras and angel music.

When she finally passed,

I watched her take her last breaths,

And my heart shattered.

During that week,

I was present with my feelings of grief,

Crying every day,

Sometimes right there with her,

But since she passed,

I've been completely numb.

It's as if the flood of emotions is now frozen,

And I've only cried once since then.

In this meditation,

I want to share my journey through the grief process in the hope that my experience might mirror your own in some way,

And maybe together we can find a way to feel and to grieve and to begin healing.

So let's get started.

Settle in to a comfortable position,

Allowing your body to be fully supported by the surface beneath you,

And close your eyes.

We'll start with some breath work,

And with each breath,

Feel your body becoming more relaxed and your mind more at ease.

Take a deep breath into your head,

Into your brain.

Big exhale,

A deep breath into your chest,

Into your heart space.

Big exhale,

A deep breath into your belly.

Big exhale,

A deep breath into your pelvis,

Into your hips.

Big exhale,

Exhale all the way down your legs through the bottom of your feet to ground yourself into Mother Earth by using your Earth Star Chakra that sits below your feet,

About a foot,

Foot and a half.

Also visualize or otherwise imagine the grounding cord from your Root Chakra also going in to Mother Earth,

And turn your attention inward.

Establish the witness,

And find that space of neutrality within.

Try to stay in present moment awareness as best you can throughout today's meditation,

And relax your shoulders,

Relax your neck,

Relax your jaw,

Relax your face muscles,

And relax your head.

Very nice.

Now using your sensing,

Sense into your body and how it feels after doing the breath work and the grounding.

Do you feel a little bit more at ease,

A little bit more grounded,

Or maybe you feel a little uncomfortable?

Just allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling,

Allow yourself that space for it to show up.

Yeah,

Very nice.

Now as you let yourself settle in to the present moment,

Continue to breathe deeply and slowly.

Allow yourself to feel the weight of your grief.

Acknowledge that you are at a different place now than you were immediately after your loved one's transition.

The initial numbness has softened,

And now perhaps there is an ache,

A heaviness,

Or a sense of emptiness.

Take a moment to feel into your body,

Where is your grief sitting?

Is it in your chest,

Your heart,

Your throat,

Or perhaps it's deep in your belly?

Just notice it,

No need to change anything or push anything away,

Just feel into it.

Now bring your attention gently to your heart space.

Notice if there is any fear or resistance there,

A sense of not wanting to feel what is inside.

Recognize that this is natural.

Sometimes the heart feels like the hardest place to go,

Because it is where we keep the deepest memories,

Those tenderest moments,

And the greatest love for those who are physically no longer here.

Understand that the fear is a protector,

Trying to keep you from pain.

Just acknowledge it,

Thank it for trying to keep you safe,

But let it know that it is okay to feel now,

It is okay to gently open the door to your heart.

Just a little bit at a time,

Nice.

Your loved ones remain in your heart,

Always,

Always.

Their presence is woven into the fabric of your being,

Into the core of who you are.

Even though it may feel scary,

Know that you can carry them there with both love and sorrow.

They are not lost to you,

Even in the depth of your grief.

Death isn't truly a loss,

Though it feels like something has been taken from us,

Because what we have loved is never truly lost.

Love exists beyond the boundaries of time and space,

Beyond the physical presence of those who have left this world.

Our loved ones remain with us in spirit,

In the memories that live within us,

And in the ways that they have shaped who we are.

As A Course in Miracles teaches us,

Relationships never end,

They just change form.

And although death may change the form of the relationship,

It cannot erase the bond.

Their essence is woven into the fabric of our lives,

Carried in our hearts,

Where they can be felt and remembered always,

Always.

The connection remains even as we grieve the absence of their physical presence,

And just feel into it.

As Thich Nhat Hanh so beautifully teaches,

The fact is that nothing is born,

Nothing dies.

It is impossible for a cloud to die,

So it is impossible for anything to die,

To become nothing.

That is why meditation on death is so helpful.

It helps you to see that there is no death.

There is no birth and death.

There is only transformation.

Nothing can be lost.

Now,

Bring your breath into your heart space,

And with each inhale,

Breathe in courage,

A soft,

Quiet courage that allows you to gently touch the edges of your pain.

And with each exhale,

Release any tension or fear that you may be holding around your heart.

You do not have to open all at once.

Just a little bit is enough for today.

Just stay with it.

Stay in the moment as best you can.

Feel that you are held in a safe space,

A space where it is okay to feel fear,

To feel sadness,

To feel love.

Remember that your heart is strong enough to hold it all,

Both the grief and the love,

The fear and the courage.

Trust in the wisdom of your heart to guide you through.

And now imagine for a moment a gentle light surrounding you,

A light of compassion,

Understanding and acceptance.

This light does not seek to take away your pain,

But to hold you as you move through it,

To remind you that you are strong enough to feel everything that comes up.

And with every breath,

Imagine that light growing brighter and warmer,

Enveloping you in a soft embrace.

This is the light of your own love,

Your own capacity for healing.

And trust that in time,

This light will guide you to a place of deeper peace and understanding.

Know that you can return to this place of stillness and light whenever you need to.

Grief does not have a timeline.

It does not obey rules.

Allow yourself to grieve in your own way,

At your own pace.

Allow yourself to feel,

To breathe and to be beautiful.

Now take a few more deep breaths,

Feeling yourself anchored in the present moment.

And when you're ready,

Slowly open your eyes,

Carrying the sense of compassion and gentleness with you as you continue your day.

Thank you for being here with me today and for allowing yourself the space to truly feel your grief.

I honor the courage it takes to sit with the pain,

To breathe into the heart and to open yourself to the depth of your emotions.

May you leave this practice with a sense of comfort and a deeper connection to the love that remains.

Trust in the transformative power of your grief to soften,

Heal and guide you toward a place of renewed strength and inner peace.

May you find grace in each step of this journey.

And as I continue to navigate my own grief,

I intend to create more content on this topic to assist us all.

I invite you to share your own experiences and reflections in the comments and wherever you may be on your journey.

Your stories may inspire future tracks and also help others feel less alone.

I'll leave you with a quote by the beautiful Maya Angelou.

A great soul serves everyone all the time.

A great soul never dies.

It brings us together again and again.

Namaste.