It is never a question of can I forgive myself.
It is only ever.
Am I willing?
Will amongst the shadows and the sharp pieces of my soul.
I let the courage rise and step into the vulnerability required to welcome in all those parts of myself that I made wrong.
I pushed away,
I punished.
I decided you should not be this way.
You had no right to feel the way you did.
You are.
But I know.
It is not a question of can I forgive myself.
It is only ever.
Am I willing to risk it all?
To risk connecting,
Believing and having the courage.
To someday do it all again.
Knowing this time and every time I am different.
Knowing every moment I have changed.
And knowing everything I ever did was the very best thing I knew to do at that time.
If you haven't already,
Closing down your eyes and finding that little bit of extra ease in your posture.
And taking a deep inhale in through the nose,
Belly rise and heart expand.
And then exhale out through the mouth,
Drawing the navel back towards the spine.
Repeating this breath,
Deep inhale belly rise and exhale belly fall.
Belly rise.
Belly fall.
Continuing with this breath,
Feeling with every inhale an opening and a willingness.
And every exhale a melting of need and pain.
And noticing those tight spaces in the body,
Allowing your breath to fill them up and create space around them.
And letting your exhale melt your shoulders away from your ears.
What is it that you refuse to let go of?
What are you unwilling to see?
What is it that you refuse to let go?
Noticing if the mind has taken hold,
You can return your attention back to the breath as it comes in and as it flows out of your being,
A gentle wave of freedom.
A nourishing breath of life for the plants,
The trees and every breath in.
Nourishing your being in your life.
And if your mind has wandered,
Gently steer it back to the sensation of the breath as it goes in and as it leaves the body.
Allowing that breath to billow out through the lungs and the back and side ribs to leave your mouth in a stream of pure surrender.
And with your next inhale,
I'd like you to imagine that all the light and the joy you've forgotten is flooding your entire body,
Your being and on your exhale,
Like a black cloud,
The guilt and the shame spills out.
All the fear and all the doubt passing away,
Changing,
Changing.
And being with your natural,
Normal,
Unchanged breath.
Noticing the thoughts,
The feelings,
Noticing where they come from and where they go when they leave.
Who is it that contains the thoughts and the feelings?
Can you see it?
And if your mind wanders away,
Coming back to the natural breath below the nostrils and above the upper lip.
Noticing if you are still holding on and just see,
Play what might it be like if I just let go.
Noticing any part of the body where you are still holding on.
Noticing the deep parts of your heart that are still closed and gently asking,
Will you open just an inch?
Will you let us see your light?
Will you let us hold you in the dark space?
And the forgotten parts of who you are.
I know that you are tired and it is hard.
You are sick and tired of trying.
Will the healing ever end?
The highs and lows,
The emptiness,
The anxiousness,
The never ending run away and run towards,
Round and round.
I know it isn't easy.
And I know you deserve far more than you've given yourself credit for to get to who you are.
There is strength and steel within which you haven't allowed yourself to feel.
There is softness and sweetness and purity that you have forgotten.
But the universe remembers and there is nothing you need to do.
Your healing is already underway.
So it is safe to rest now.
Rest.
You have earned it.
Rest.
You have earned it.
Rest.
And gently becoming aware of the breath.
Letting it deepen.
Move through like a wave.
Letting your breath fill up your body as if it is the first breath of life you've taken.
And exhaling and releasing it all.
And as you come back to the body,
Noticing that you have hands to feel,
A body,
A voice,
Eyes to see,
A mouth to speak,
Words of kindness of love.
And as you gently stretch out your hands,
Your feet,
Know that you are about today.
Know there is a process unfolding around you and within you that is deeper and more beautiful than anything you could ever hope to understand.
And your highest purpose is to love all that you have done,
All you will become and everything you are.
Moment to moment.
And as you come back to the body,
Knowing that you have hands to feel,
A body,
A voice,
Eyes to speak,
Words of kindness of love.
And as you gently stretch out your hands,
