Hurt People Hurt People Hurt People - The Terrible Cycle Of Hurt

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In this video I want to kind of continue on talking a little bit about that book The Body Keeps the Score that I've been reading recently.

I finished it yesterday and one of the things that he says in the book that really spoke to me that actually really hurt me in a way was hurt people hurt others.

You would imagine that you know if you were abused as a child or you were hit as a child or you were emotionally physically whatever abuse as a child or there was incest in your childhood or anything negative like that you would imagine that you wouldn't want to repeat that pattern with your children or with the people around you.

But from what I read in the book and from what his experience has been because he's dealt with a lot of trauma patients and abused victims he noticed that the pattern repeats itself over and over and over again until someone consciously decides that they're not going to do it anymore and that's very rare unless like they actually have gone through therapy and they've really dealt with the issues that they had or the trauma that they had in their childhood.

That really upset me in a way actually I sat with it for about for a while thinking why and how can this be possible.

I mean I'm just thinking about it for me I know that I have repeated this pattern myself as well and that's why I'm really upset about it because not because I'm saying that I'm not doing it I'm saying that I think I do it as well I think that I have repeated the pattern of the negative associations I had in my childhood into my adulthood as well and into my relationships that's one of the reasons why I'm not going into a relationship right now and really trying to consciously think about it before I go back into one because I really don't want to repeat the patterns that I noticed in my childhood.

So I'll give you an example obviously one of the things that happened a lot in my childhood was my parents would fight over money a lot and I think that's pretty common I think that's one of the main things that people fight about in the relationships they fight about money and they fight about being feeling insecure with each other and so obviously my parents fought a lot about that and it was it was obviously like at points it was physically violent and there was like a lot of a lot of mediation that I had to do between them they would stop talking to each other they would sulk in the corner and they would I would have to go to each other of them and make sure that they're eating and make sure that they're not that it doesn't deteriorate further and so I spent a lot of my time dealing with that in my childhood there's other things as well that happen obviously but this is what I'm gonna focus on in this video so so obviously a lot of fights over money and I noticed that you know I was like I'm never gonna fight over money with my my my partner I told myself this over and over again I'm never gonna do it stupid thing I've noticed it all my childhood it's dumb to fight over money I can't believe people actually do that you know I told myself all these things obviously and of course you should never say never because as soon as I got into my first real relationship I noticed that that was the first thing that we fought about was money we're living together at the time and we were saving up for a trip a big trip a long trip about ten months long and my insecurities about money kept on popping up and also I started repeating the freaking pattern that I noticed where I assumed that instead of talking about it and being like I feel insecure about money can you can you help me instead of saying I feel insecure about the money that we've saved up I don't think it's gonna be enough I think we're gonna be in trouble when we are on the trip etc etc instead of saying those things out loud I started fighting with them about the fact that he's not working hard enough and same things that my parents would fight about that he's not working hard enough or he's wasting his money on nonsense or things like that and then we fought and of course this created a distance between us and it's just generally not great of course now I can look back in hindsight and be like I can't believe I actually did the same thing that I'm that I'm doing the same things that my parents did in relationships in their relationship I repeated it in my relationship after eons of telling myself I'm not gonna do that when I get into a relationship I'm never gonna do it it's so funny now of course that's like a minor I think it's a little bit minor situation but I think it's a little bit more poignant or a little bit more scary when you've been abused as a child or you've had that kind of assault or kind of thing and you do that to your own children I think that really freaks me out because not that I was abused in that way but I was emotionally and I had to deal with a lot of emotional abuse but I can imagine that I can I would because if you're not conscious and if you're not aware of it and not actually consciously thinking about okay I'm not gonna do this and even then you can falter and and fail if you consciously go into a relationship saying okay this is what this is how I want to communicate and you learn patterns of communication that are positive rather than negative you don't put the other person as an enemy and you don't fight against them as if you're fighting for your life there's a lot of different things you can do unless you do all those things it's very probable that you can end up doing the same things or repeating the same patterns as what happened in your childhood which is actually really scary if you think about it but it's true hurt people hurt others people are not fighting with each other or berating each other or calling each other names or physically being violent with each other because not because they like it I'm guessing they don't like it it's because there's something hurt inside of them that hurt child from their own childhood abuse or from their own trauma that they're carrying around with them and that hurt child or part of them is basically trying to reach out to someone but they don't know how to do it they don't have the language for it and that's one of the reasons why I'm always constantly telling you guys that communication is one of the skills that you really freaking have to develop right now as much as possible as soon as possible because language is the way that you're going to communicate with that person telling them what your needs are what your desires are what the what you need from them but if we don't have the language and if you have had a childhood where you've had to deal with a lot of this random stuff a lot of this abuse and trauma you probably don't have the language because you haven't been taught the language most people don't get taught that language in fact I think it's I think I would say one percent of the population actually knows that language most people have no idea how to communicate their needs feelings desires to another human being and so if you don't have the language to communicate what your needs are obviously you're gonna lash out in different ways because that's how you are taught from your childhood that's how I was taught that if you feel insecure about money start fighting about it that's that was a pattern that was kind of ingrained in me and so I I was like alright cool yeah I feel insecure about money let's let's fight about it let's let me get into his face and let me fight about it with him and then create distance and of course feel worse after about it and repeat the pattern over and over again so unless we have a language for it unless we actually learn to communicate our feelings these desires to the other person in a way that doesn't seem like threatening or criticism but just positive feedback unless we do that there is no way for us to stop repeating that pattern and that's one of the main things that he says in the book as well is to learn the language or have the language that you that you can use in order to communicate what your deeper needs feelings desires are rather than just lashing out based on that hurt part of you right I would obviously as I said in my last video please do read the book if you do have a chance as I said every single person on this planet should read the book on top of meditating and doing all the other stuff but I do think that it's the stuff that he talked about in the book really opened my eyes up to a lot of different things that I actually went through as well and how you as I said the physical body itself completely changes your neurons change your your peptides change everything in your body changes because of the stuff that you've dealt with in your childhood and the stats that he gave about how much how many percentages of people 22% of women and 10% of men deal with sexual abuse in their childhood and other stats that he shared in those in the book it's just really boggled my mind you know I just imagine it was a very uncommon thing but it's more common than you'd actually realize so again do read the book but also do realize that when that person in front of you is hurting you in some way I'm not saying that it's a good thing or the right thing for them to do but also realize it's a try I guess to have a little bit of compassion and to realize they're doing it because they don't know they don't have the language to communicate with you and they're doing it because they don't know how else to deal with that situation that's how they've been taught that's what the pattern was established in their childhood that's how their parents did it or their grandparents did it my grandparents fought about money all the time too and so this pattern has been established for three generations now and of course that my goal with it is to stop the pattern and stop this cycle and hopefully not repeat it over and over again and so yeah so to have compassion with that person in front of you they're just repeating patterns that have been placed within them they're not necessarily trying to hurt you they might end up hurting you of course I'm not saying that they won't but maybe that compassion will kind of lead to a different outcome rather than just you fighting with each other and then going distant and perhaps breaking up or not being friends anymore or maybe it'll be the same thing who knows but at least there'll be a different way for you to approach a situation I hope this makes sense I know I've talked about a bunch of different things in this video but I really wanted to share it with you it just made me feel so sad inside and so much pain but I just wanted to share this with you hopefully it helps a little bit tiny little bit and if you guys have any questions obviously please message me or comment below and I shall obviously try to answer your questions I'm not an expert obviously in any shape or form but I'm just kind of sharing my ideas with you guys if you guys are interested in supporting me further you can do that by going to my ko-fi link the link is in the description below and again thank you for being there for me I shall see you guys the next time around bye for now