How To Have Nicer Relationships (With Everyone)

Hello and welcome to the CalmCast,

A time to feel calm and think clearly.

I'm Clare Downam,

The Queen of Calm,

A Transformational Life Coach.

I was a burnt out head teacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying,

And I want to prevent you from having to do the same.

The CalmCast is a series of short explorations gently guiding you back to your natural state,

Which is calm and clarity.

Just listen like you would listen to music,

With an open mind and curiosity.

There's nothing else to do.

Now let's relax into today's episode.

So today's episode or today's exploration is about how to have nicer relationships.

And I put in brackets with everyone because it can seem,

Can't it,

That some people are just horrible or annoying,

Or if they just were a bit different,

Then I could be okay.

I could have the experience of life that I want to have.

I could be happy,

Calm,

Peaceful,

Etc.

And I absolutely can relate to that.

And it can take a lot of emotional energy.

As I'm saying this,

I can really think about times when I've spent long periods of time,

And probably a lot shorter periods of time,

But I'm still wasting some of my time caught up in other people's behaviour,

Taking myself into a not very nice feeling,

Because it looks like other people just need to stop being like they are,

And then I can have a nicer experience of life.

And whether that's your partner,

Your teenage kids,

Your little kids,

Your partner's ex,

Your mother,

In-law,

Or your mother,

Or whoever it is.

And I think this is especially interesting around,

For me,

It's really interesting around those relationships that are part of our lives,

And we don't really want to get rid of the relationship,

Or we can't,

For some reason or other.

And then there's this other piece where they're not being how we want them to be,

So we wish they were different.

But here's the thing,

They're not,

There's nothing wrong with them.

Sorry,

I know it's hard,

Because I find it hard too.

Other people are their own human perfection,

Just like you are.

And perhaps as I'm saying that,

I'm thinking that included in the everyone should be ourselves,

Because actually,

I think for a lot of us,

The worst relationship we have is with ourselves.

And what that does,

And what it prevents us doing,

And how it stops us creating a life and a business and everything else that we love,

Because we don't believe we're as good as we should be,

Perhaps.

We think that we're not enough to do whatever it is we would really love to do.

So let's just consider the whole dynamic of this,

This illusion really of relationships with other people,

With ourselves,

But even as well,

Like maybe it should have said with everyone and everything,

Because we're in relation,

Aren't we,

In every moment.

Right now I'm in relation with my computer screen and my mic and the view out the window,

And I can also hear the birds in the background.

You probably can't hear them because my mic cuts out that noise,

But I can hear the birds.

So right now I'm in relation with everything around me,

And most of that I'm not noticing because it's not bothersome,

I suppose is the word.

But because that's it,

Isn't it?

It's all just here.

There's nothing really,

There's nothing that seems to be problematic.

But how do I,

How do we as human beings decide,

Or maybe we don't decide,

Maybe it just comes about,

That we find something problematic?

How does that come about?

Why is it we get on with some people and some circumstances and some things about ourselves,

But not with others?

And this is helpful to see why that is the case.

Why is it some people are annoying and some aren't?

And it's not because of them.

So I don't think for one minute I'm going down that route,

Much as I totally believe that often in the moment,

That it is,

That is,

Why?

It's because they're annoying and they're doing something that's naughty and annoying and irritating or whatever.

It's because,

Really,

It's because that thing,

That person,

That idea of ourselves is,

Isn't sitting well with how we think things should be,

Or it's somehow activating us or activating some old rule book of life.

So that's,

You know,

I had a really interesting conversation with Bruce about this.

I am always looking towards where I am judging,

Monitoring and supervising.

Like that's my,

That's me.

I do that still more than I would like to.

Honesty time here.

And I do it particularly with Bruce because he's here all the time,

I suppose,

Partly,

But also I think because that was my model of life growing up.

And I spent enough time with both my parents when my dad was alive,

But with my mum too,

To see that pattern.

When I see in her,

I just think,

Oh,

There's a mirror,

Claire.

That's,

That's,

It's a mirror.

So it's all of those things that we've learned as we've grown up through life that make some people look like they're not okay,

Like they're not enough,

Like they're not being the way we would like them to be.

But the way we'd like them to be is a creation of our programming.

It's like,

I sometimes feel like saying to people that that's not really what you think.

It is what you think,

But that's not really,

Like you are pure peace,

Love and wisdom.

So if anything is coming out of you that isn't that,

Then it's not the truth.

And I've only just,

As I'm saying that,

I've only just,

I'm only just seeing that myself.

And who do we really want to be in the world?

Do we really want to be somebody who is filled up with angst and anger and judgment about other people?

Because it isn't them.

I mean,

That's the fundamental underpinning truth of what I'm saying is that it isn't them.

They're not making you feel that way,

Those people out there.

So how to have nicer relationships with everyone and everything,

And yourself,

Should be in brackets,

I think.

I should have put all those things in brackets,

Is to understand yourself and why,

You know,

What is under,

What is behind,

Not why you're feeling the way you feel,

But what is behind the feelings that you're having,

The thoughts you're having about other people,

The reactions you're having to how they're being in the world.

And what's behind all of it is our conditioning.

And that's what we're trying to do.

And that's what we're trying to do.

And what's behind all of it is our conditioning.

And so that means that we can begin to look after ourselves more.

And that's all this is ever pointing to really,

Is that if I'm feeling riled up,

It means that there's some conditioning in me,

Some way of seeing the world that I've learned as I grew up,

That is being activated by the circumstance that I'm in,

Or by the person,

So what makes sense to do from that point of view?

Well,

For me,

It often makes sense to give myself some,

So something happened at the weekend and I got into a bit of a tizz and got upset.

And it just made sense to take myself somewhere else for a bit,

Just take myself out and give myself a few minutes before I said anything else that I,

Because I was in a bad mood.

I was coming from a not very healthy place for me,

Not for the other person.

Obviously I don't really want to be in a place upset with people,

But for me,

It made sense to take myself out of the situation and give myself some space and time to just breathe and be,

But not because I think I need to get away from the other person,

Because they're causing the problem,

But because I realize I am stirred up,

My mind is stirred up and I need some time out.

And I've mentioned this before recently,

But there's,

I heard a lady say once,

A lady who is in my community,

In the Three Principles community,

Say that she was having some tricky times with a teenage daughter and they decided,

Well,

Her daughter had also been looking in the same direction,

Had begun to understand this,

The Three Principles paradigm.

And they decided that when they had started to discuss things that needed discussing,

That they wanted to come to some kind of agreement over,

So they could perhaps have less disagreements.

And if you've had teenage daughters or sons,

You'll know,

There can be a bit of that.

And they agreed that when either of them started to feel riled up,

They would take that,

That they,

The person feeling riled up,

Was in a poor state of mind and needed to just say,

Right,

I'm starting to get stirred up now.

I'm not in a good place.

The next thing that comes out of my mouth might not be so helpful.

Can we take a break?

And then they would take these breaks and then come back when they were both fully calm.

The basic simplicity,

Simple thing of all this,

The simplest way to look at it is,

If you're feeling out of kilter,

That's 100% about what's happening inside you and nothing to do with the other person.

And when you navigate life from that place,

You do navigate life much more easily.

You kind of know,

Oh,

That's me,

It's me I need to take care of then,

Not the other person.

And the consequence,

I'm running out of time,

I can see,

I don't really want to talk too long,

But the consequence of that is that over time,

Because we're not in this reactive energy with another person over time,

Those relationships just generally get better.

You learn to only communicate with that person when you're in a calm place,

When something inspired comes through.

And I had an occasion like that in the last week or so where there'd been an ongoing disagreement with somebody and we'd just left it.

And then I just had this inspired thing to write this particular message.

And interestingly,

The other person could then see something different about this situation and therefore provide a better conclusion for the most important person in the whole thing,

Who's a child.

So I just think it works like magic when you,

If you decided to only ever communicate from a place of calm,

Can you imagine what your relationships would be like?

They'd all be a heck of a lot nicer,

Wouldn't they?

I'm not there yet,

Please do let me know if you are.

I'd love to hear from you,

If you're already there,

I'm not already there.

I have my moments still,

But I still keep looking in this direction because it's the place of truth.

So I hope you found that helpful.

Lots of love and take care.

Thank you so much for listening.

There's nothing to do now,

But bring some awareness to how this is working out in your life.

Listen regularly to experience longer and longer periods of calm.

This has been The Calm Cast with Claire Downham,

Queen of Calm.

Take care and keep listening.