Hello and welcome to the Calmcast,
A time to feel calm and think clearly.
I'm Claire Downham,
The Queen of Calm,
A Transformational Life Coach.
I was a burnt out headteacher who finally made the journey to calm after years of trying and I want to prevent you from having to do the same.
The Calmcast is a series of short explorations gently guiding you back to your natural state,
Which is calm and clarity.
Just listen like you would listen to music with an open mind and curiosity.
There's nothing else to do.
Now let's relax into today's episode.
So today's exploration is around feelings because I think for much of my life I misread those feelings and I suspect you might be doing that too.
I think most of the human race is doing that most of the time,
But it's not anybody's fault.
That's just what we've learnt.
It's what we've been told about our feelings.
Have you noticed that when you have an upset feeling you tend to react to the world?
You might well react to the people who are close to you.
You might react to emails.
You might react to your boss.
You might react to people who cut you up at a roundabout.
You might react to your children.
And I think that that's because of the confusion that there is.
The idea that those things I've just described,
Those circumstances,
Those other people,
Those situations that they are what are creating your feelings.
Because that's a message that's out there,
Isn't it?
I think that message starts when we're so,
So young.
We start to be told that we're making somebody feel something.
We're perhaps told that you'll feel better when this has passed.
So there's a lot of messaging around that idea that the feeling is coming from this outside world.
And so when we have an uncomfortable feeling it looks like in order to expunge that,
In order to get rid of it,
We must take action in the world.
Fix the world,
Sort it out,
Make that person stop doing that thing.
Beep our horn at the other driver,
Shout at our children,
Leave our job even because it's that boss,
Isn't it,
That's creating your feelings.
And so we tend to react.
I heard some coaching.
I've been in a little coaching group for a few days,
For a couple of weeks.
And I heard the guy say that,
The man who was coaching say that he has these periods of time when he is caught up in his thinking and he's not feeling good.
He's not in a good feeling state.
And in those moments it looks like his wife is like the worst decision he's ever made in his life.
Oh my goodness.
What did I do?
I've made a terrible mistake.
Now if you believe that from that upset place that thinking is right,
That person is the person creating your uncomfortable feeling and if they're not in your life or that job's not in your life or that child just stops shouting or doing whatever they're doing,
You'll feel better.
And it looks like there's some action to take in the world.
And this guy said,
If I believed my thinking when I'm in a low mood,
When I'm not in a good place,
Then I would have divorced my wife by now.
But he knows that when he is in a good feeling,
He loves her so much and wants to be with that.
And I can really relate that.
Who hasn't had that thought in an angry moment that something in our life really just needs to change on a permanent basis?
Like there and then it has to change for us to feel better.
But do you know what I just thought is that I think everybody has seen this in some way,
Because there are lots of marriages going on despite the fact people have had the thought they might like to divorce their other half.
There are lots of people still in a job even though they've had a bad day or they've received an angry email from a client or a boss or whoever.
So there's something there.
There's something that I think lots of us have already seen.
We've already seen that,
Oh yeah,
I was just in a bad mood that day and that's not a good place to make a decision from.
But imagine if you could see that all the time.
And this morning I heard a lovely metaphor being shared by a lovely teacher called Iken Bettinger and he said,
When we believe that our uncomfortable feelings are coming from outside of us,
It's like looking at the warning lights on our dashboard and believing that's coming from the car next door in traffic or lots of the other cars outside us.
And that's a confusing place from which to live life,
Isn't it?
It's a misunderstanding.
That feeling isn't coming from the car that pulled out in front of you or the driver of the car or the boat that pulled out in front of you at the roundabout.
It's not coming from your partner.
It's not coming from your kids.
It's not coming from your job or your emails or a particular email or your boss.
Imagine if you just reflect for a moment on a life where you didn't make any decisions from that place,
Where you didn't do that reacting,
Where you spent more time in the space of responding.
And I would love you to see that that is available to everybody.
Like I said,
I think we've all seen it,
Haven't we?
For me,
It's become almost like a way of reading myself.
So I've had my phone in my hand about to punch the keys.
I don't have keys anymore.
They're about to press the buttons,
Press the screen to send a message,
An angry message in response to something that's come in.
And there's something in me now that goes,
Oh,
Yeah,
That's not what's going on in here.
You're feeling that.
What's going on in your head in that space?
Well,
There isn't space.
That's not a good place to communicate with somebody.
And I don't do that consistently,
By the way.
But it's like I can see my own dashboard now,
Being able to see your own dashboard and see the warning light that's saying,
This is you.
You're not in a nice feeling state.
You're not in a good place.
Just step back,
Give yourself time,
Allow the space to come.
There's nothing to do.
It's just being aware and knowing that when you are in that place,
There's not much clever stuff in your head.
There's not the space to come from.
There's not the space for insight.
And moment by moment,
You will still misread that dashboard because you're human.
But there is an invitation as you look in this direction to see that space that is available to you.
And just as I always say,
Bringing some awareness,
Can you notice if you allow for a little bit of space?
If you connect to the idea that you're misreading that dashboard,
And if you start to read it more clearly,
If you see that that dashboard is not telling you about what's out there,
It's telling you about what's inside you,
Can you just see how that's playing out in life and notice how different things are when you come from that calm space,
When you give yourself that time and space,
Space more than time,
I think.
So just notice this.
Just notice how it's playing out in your life.
Thank you so much for listening.
There's nothing to do now,
But bring some awareness to how this is working out in your life.
Listen regularly to experience longer and longer periods of calm.
This has been the Calmcast with Clare Downham,
Queen of Calm.
Take care and keep listening.
