How Your Relationships Are Impacting Your Self-Esteem

Hello and welcome.

Thank you so much for joining me.

Today I'm going to be talking about relationships and community,

How they impact your undieting journey,

Your relationship with your body,

And your ability to practice self-love and feel empowered in your wellness choices.

Before we dive in,

My suggestion is to make sure you have a pen and paper or a journal nearby so you can write down some of the questions I include and reflect on them after the audio is complete.

If we haven't met yet,

My name is Courtney McCarthy.

I'm the CEO and founder of Lullia Buffett,

Which stands for Love Your Body Fitness.

We're an online virtual community dedicated to helping women ditch diet culture,

Find joy in movement,

And finally figure out how to love their body.

My own journey with health and my weight loss obsession inspired me to become an ACE certified fitness professional back in 2016.

I learned the hard way how broken our views are towards women's bodies and how the formula that the fitness and health industry presents as the answer keeps us stuck in a cycle of shame,

Guilt,

And self-blame.

Now my mission as a body image and mindset coach is to prove that there's another way to help women like you step out of the struggle and into self-love.

I teach you how to ditch diet culture,

How to heal your relationship with food and movement,

And how to take the stress out of self-care.

I want you to see that you are more than a body and have the power to define health for yourself.

So let's dive into today's topic.

Many of us struggle with feelings of shame and being alone in our struggles,

And I think COVID and the pandemic has exacerbated this as well as the prevalence of social media in our lives.

We're constantly bombarded with images of what we're supposed to be and how our lives are supposed to look.

It impacts our beliefs about what's normal and therefore how we judge ourselves.

So the question is how do our relationships both online and offline impact our self-esteem and how we feel about our bodies?

What's the role of community when it comes to self-love and our own health and wellness journey?

That's exactly what we're going to be talking about today,

And I'm going to cover three things.

Number one,

Understanding how relationships impact your perception of what's normal.

Number two,

Why a support system can make or break your attempts at behavior change,

Including undying.

And number three,

How to reclaim your power,

Rid yourself of shame and separate your success from the opinions of others.

But I want to start with this.

Number one,

I'm really proud of you for showing up today,

For being open to this conversation and for taking the opportunity to be vulnerable.

Know that you are not alone and I see you,

And I really hope that you find this conversation today helpful.

So we'll start by asking this question.

How do your relationships impact your self-esteem and your relationship with your body?

Well,

I'm sure you might be familiar with the very famous quote by Jim Rohn,

You are the average of the five people that you spend your time with.

This is simply not true.

The number is actually much larger than that.

Who you surround yourself with and spend your time with really matters.

New research shows it's more about norms.

The people you associate with influence your perception of what's acceptable and what isn't.

Think of it like peer pressure,

But it can impact us in all kinds of subtle ways and conditioning.

And it starts from a very young age.

The language that people use to describe their bodies,

How they respond to food,

How they talk about other people,

The choices they make,

What we are punished for,

Or what is celebrated,

The behavior that's rewarded and that which is criticized.

We are shown and sometimes directly told what's right and what's wrong,

What's desirable and what's undesirable,

What is good and what is bad,

What a successful,

Healthy,

Fit,

Desirable,

Good enough body looks like,

And what it takes to get there.

And on top of that,

Where we fit into all of this.

This means that the people you surround yourself with,

And that includes both in real life and online,

Like those who you follow and see on your social media,

Can play a huge factor in your success towards your goals,

Being able to love yourself and feel supported.

They impact the choices you make and influence your behavior.

So my first question to you is,

How do you think your relationships and the people you surround yourself with are impacting your goals and your relationship with your body?

Make note of how you feel after your daily interactions.

Do you feel lifted up,

Inspired?

Do they help you feel connected to your highest self?

Have they done or are they living the way you want to live?

Or are they holding you back,

Tearing you down,

Making you feel self-conscious or sabotaging your success?

In order to create change or find a new way of being or create a new reality,

We have to first become aware of what's around us and how we feel.

Start taking some time during each week to slow down,

Ask questions,

And notice.

Then,

Once you know,

You could begin making changes,

Which we'll talk about at the end of this chat.

So now let's talk about why a support system can make or break behavior change.

Shame is the enemy of love and the root of so much of the hate or dissatisfaction we feel towards our bodies.

Shame thrives in darkness.

It thrives in solitude.

It thrives in isolation,

And it makes us feel even more alone.

In order to rid ourselves of shame,

We have to bring it into the light.

We have to look at it.

We have to talk about it.

We have to share and recognize the shame in other people.

We have to recognize the sameness.

We have to see it in each other and feel that mutual connection,

That sense of belonging,

The sense of normalcy.

By normalizing our feelings,

How our bodies function,

What happens as we age,

What happens as we move,

Then we can start to move from shame to acceptance,

And from acceptance to celebration.

So this means that having a community of like-minded individuals or those who are on the same journey as you,

Surrounding yourself with people who feel the way that you want to feel about your body,

Who have already been through the trenches and the hurdles,

They can guide you and cheer you on,

Can make such a huge difference.

They can remind you of where you want to be,

Remind you of what's possible,

Hold you accountable,

And show you the path forward,

To notice habits,

To show you things from another perspective,

And to help you do it faster than if you were just trying to do it on your own.

I often use the example of trying to learn how to speak a new language.

So let's say Spanish as an example.

Do you learn it faster by living in an English-speaking country,

Taking a one-hour course once or twice a week?

Or is it faster to move to Spain?

Or is it faster,

How about moving to Spain and taking Spanish lessons and having a daily tutor with a who is a native,

Native Spanish speaker?

When you surround yourself by people who also hate their bodies,

Who struggle with their own relationships with food and with their bodies,

It can really make things difficult.

It's like an alcoholic who keeps going into a bar it will normalize the behavior and the mindset that you want and need to change and to feel better about your body.

So how do we actually do this?

Obviously for many of us the answer isn't find new friends and ditch your family.

That isn't really doable and I'm assuming that you probably still like and enjoy some of those people.

So without ditching them,

How can you start to reclaim your power,

Rid yourself of shame,

And separate your success from the achievement of success from the opinions and actions of others?

Well the first step is managing your expectations.

Not expecting your family,

Friends,

Partner,

Spouse to be able to support you and mirror your choices and everything.

Finding people who can fulfill different roles in your life.

This is true to have a successful marriage,

A successful business,

And it's definitely true when it comes to your relationship with your body and yourself.

You cannot expect your spouse,

Friend,

Or family to have all the answers and to help you do this.

You need to find the people who can.

That might mean seeking out resources on social media,

Following people that inspire you,

Hiring a coach,

Joining a community,

And finding individuals that leave you feeling good and empowered.

Having a team of professionals to guide you whether that's a family physician,

Therapist,

A coach like myself,

Or any kind of combination.

And of course joining community like the one here Diet Your Mind app or like my virtual Loyal Buffet community where you get not just the expert and professional support and guidance but also fellow members and participants who are just like you.

It means new friendships,

New connections,

And people you can turn to when you need encouragement,

Accountability,

And to help normalize who you're trying to be.

The second step is not taking it personally which is much easier than it sounds.

When we're making changes in our lives we often act as a trigger for other people based on where they're at in their own journey.

It means we can be a mirror for areas where they feel hurt and not good enough or where we step outside of their comfort zone which can cause negative feelings.

And hurt people hurt people.

They can lash out or try to do things to bring you back into their comfort zone to provide reassurance and normalize their own current behavior and habits.

It's not about you,

It's about them.

When we see that and see that it often isn't also their fault.

They too have been brainwashed by diet culture and been taught unhelpful strategies and standards.

We can show them compassion.

It doesn't mean we have to let them off the hook but we can set boundaries to create space.

We can no longer seek their advice or input or again we can manage our own expectations to protect ourselves from being hurt.

And my favorite expression,

If they aren't in the arena they don't get to play.

If they haven't done what you want to do,

If they aren't a role model for you,

If they aren't invested in your journey,

Consider that when you're valuing their opinion.

And finally being clear on your why and your vision.

It makes it easier when you're confronted with a challenge,

A setback,

Or conflicting opinion.

How do you do this?

How do you find that clarity?

Use meditation and journaling,

Spending time with yourself,

Being curious,

And creating a vision board or using affirmations to come back to your why.

Why this matters to you.

Why you want to feel the way that you're trying to make yourself feel and why you're doing this undieting journey.

The more clear you are about it the easier it is to let go of those things that don't fit in and aren't aligned.

Your why should light you up.

It should make you feel excited and motivated.

If it doesn't,

Keep digging and exploring.

Keep asking that question.

Why?

Why does it matter?

Why is it important to me?

Why do I want to feel that way?

There's no room for shame in your why.

So focus on adding in,

Not taking away.

So I would love to know your thoughts.

After listening to this audio,

What's your biggest takeaway?

Which of these three steps are you going to focus on in trying to implement in your life?

What resonated the most with you?

Please let me know.

Send me a message or tag me in a community post and make sure to check out some of my movement videos here on the app and the other helpful resources,

Especially if you're struggling with your relationship with movement and your weight loss obsession or your undieting goals.

I would love to be a part of your journey.

Thanks for spending some time with me today.

Now go out there and be your awesome self.