The Violence We Cause Others | The WISDOM Podcast S3 E40

The Yamas are the first limb or path of the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali and they,

Together with the Niyamas,

Reveal Yoga's ethical guidelines and a foundation to living masterfully.

If you are interested in developing your spiritual wisdom,

If you are looking to gain the skills to choose the right attitude and mindset,

The right thoughts and actions to live fulfilled and to take ownership of your life,

And with the wisdom that frees you to live both peaceful and full of joy,

I invite you to join me for this series on each of the five Yamas,

Beginning with that of Ahimsa,

That is nonviolence.

In this and the next four episodes of Ask Dorothy,

We're going to follow each Yama that is featured on the previous Sunday with its practical teachings as illuminated by the lives of my clients.

You will hear in each of the stories that I share illuminating each of the five Yamas just how important and needed these ancient teachings are today for all of us and for living a spiritual path that originates from the truest teachings of Yoga as life.

Here I reference and take direct quotes from Debra Adel's book,

The Yamas and Niyamas.

I will link here for you where to find the book as it makes a beautiful read in support of your sacred journey through life.

The first Yama,

Ahimsa,

Is a sacred word that translates as nonviolence.

Here I share four practices to help you embody a life of nonviolence directed towards yourself,

Others and the world.

As I study each of these Yamas in support of my own Yoga practice and also in continuing to raise my consciousness,

I realize how Ahimsa is truly the most important of the five Yamas as it is the foundation that directs us to live in a way that first teaches us what nonviolence truly means.

You may as I do feel the significance of this auspicious discipline as something that must be top of mind each day.

You may be surprised to learn of the many ways that violence is beyond the obvious physical actions that cause harm or suffering.

Here,

Let me dive deeper into the everyday challenges of life by addressing what precipitates our tendencies toward violence.

Ahimsa or nonviolence literally means to do no harm.

Ahimsa is inclusive of not hurting yourself with negative or critical thoughts or actions and not hurting someone else with your thoughts and intentions nor with actions or words.

Ahimsa is nonviolence in all of nature and to all living beings,

Including the smallest of creatures.

Let's begin with one example.

Thinking we know what is better for others becomes a subtle way we do violence.

When we take it upon ourselves to help another,

We diminish their sense of autonomy.

Nonviolence asks us to trust others' ability to find the answers that they seek.

It asks us to have faith in the other and not feel sorry for them.

Nonviolence asks us to trust the other's journey and to love and support others to their highest image of themselves,

Not our highest image of them.

It asks that we stop managing ourselves,

Our experience,

Others' and others' experiences of us.

Rather,

We are asked to leave the other person free of our needs,

Free to be themselves and free to see us as they choose.

There is not only one client story that could well illustrate this phenomenon.

We have all lived of violence,

If even in the most subtle of ways,

And as you will hear in a moment,

At times,

Under the guise of wanting to be helpful,

Yet imposing our standards or desires onto another.

If you are unwilling to look deeply and courageously into your own life,

You can easily violate others in many subtle ways that you may not even be aware of,

Thinking,

Convincing yourself that you are actually helping others.

An example of violence to others by thinking we know what is best for them is illustrated in a story that originates from India.

A passerby witnessed a monkey in a tree with a fish.

The monkey was saying to the fish,

But I saved you from drowning.

The monkey,

Thinking it had saved the fish,

Had taken the fish to a place that couldn't meet any of the fish's needs for survival or growth.

We can't save people or fix them.

All you can do is model the right behavior,

And that points the finger back onto you.

When you try to fix or save someone,

You prevent them from getting the learning that the situation has for them.

Like the monkey in the story,

When you try to take someone out of their challenge or suffering,

You take them out of the environment that offers them a rich learning experience.

You are,

In a sense,

Cutting them off from their intrinsic power of becoming stronger,

More competent,

And more compassionate.

I see this behavior replete in familial relationships.

For example,

It could be an adult child who wants to impose their desires and ideals onto their aging parents by encouraging their parents to go on a pilgrimage with their church to a holy land.

The adult child knows how religious her parents are and would love for them to have this once-in-a-lifetime experience.

Yet in reality,

The aging parents are not able to do all of the walking tours nor sit for extended hours on a bus.

Their physical ailments have some real limitations that make this idea,

However lovely it would be,

Pragmatically difficult and thus stressful.

The adult child continues to take her parents to the information sessions and talks lovingly about how this would be such a special experience.

The parents,

Excited themselves for the adventure,

Still continue to voice their concerns and apprehension.

The adult daughter promises to travel with them.

It is a pilgrimage that she herself is excited about doing.

Her parents put a deposit toward this trip even though the mother continues to have hesitations and now she is beginning to worry constantly of how she will manage physically.

The adult daughter continues to talk up the experience as the parents struggle internally because they do not feel quite ready or able to manage this.

In the end,

The aging parents bow out,

Losing their deposit on the trip but making the choice that they feel to be most comfortable for their own well-being.

Aside from their disappointment of losing their deposit on a trip that they will never go on,

They have no regrets for making what they feel was the best decision for them.

We can want the best for others yet ignore their needs and personal desires because we have decided that we are doing something special and helpful.

We must always be attentive to our motivations and also to placing our own expectations and dreams unto others even if the end result would be a wonderful experience.

Ahimsa or non-violence as an ethical practice calls on us to encourage and support without attaching ourselves to the outcome.

No one can truly know what is right and best for another person and it is important that we are always mindful of whether we are truly helping or as in this example,

Are we in our desire to create a positive experience,

Missing the bigger picture of presenting the opportunity and then allowing others to choose it if it is indeed right and best for them.

In this example,

If the daughter had been willing to truly hear and honor the concerns and reservations of her parents,

Especially that of her mother,

Even if some of these concerns could have been addressed and alleviated,

The daughter would not have continued to press and encourage what was really not the burning desire of her parents but rather a nice thought or idea that gave them moments of happiness to think about.

Listening creates a sanctuary and a sacred space for another to share their truth,

To reveal their soul,

To hear themselves so that they may also hear their answers and the right solutions at any moment.

We all need a safe place to hear ourselves and specifically the inner wisdom that guides our truth.

What makes therapy different from the experience of talking with a friend is the feeling of being heard,

Both as you have etched out the space for yourself to think and to experience what you may not necessarily give yourself time for in the busy moments of your life and as you hear your own voice and as you honor the truth that lives within you.

Unlike a friendship where your friend truly wants to help and will often give you their opinions or advice or directives,

Therapy acts as a mirror to reflect back to you your thoughts and experiences so that you can better experience for yourself when you are finding ways in which to sabotage or sacrifice your desires and how you may find your way towards what is truly most desired.

You don't need to be talked out of something or talked into something else.

Therapy is a space you give yourself in which to hear your own voice and at times your voice echoed in the voice of me,

The therapist,

Your therapist,

Who mirrors your words so that you can hear everything and even more clearly in which to then decide if your words and beliefs are based in truth or a learned belief or a fear that does not serve you.

Like in the story of the fish and the monkey,

What we have to offer is to join others in need where they are.

In this story,

It is to go into the water rather than to bring others into the tree with us.

In another example,

This time from the perspective of a parent toward their young adult child,

Worry is another way violence gets masked as caring.

Worry is a lack of faith in the other and cannot exist simultaneously with love.

Either we have faith in the other person to do their best or we don't.

Worry says,

I don't trust you to do your life right.

Worry comes from a place of arrogance that I know better about what should be happening in your life.

Worry says,

I don't trust your journey or your answers or your timing.

Worry is fear that hasn't grown up yet.

It is a misuse of our imagination.

We both devalue and insult others when we worry about them.

There is a distinction between help and support.

Help carries the connotation that I am more skilled at life's decisions and challenges than the other person is.

Whereas support meets the other person on equal playing ground with equal ability and is able to sit with more awe and respect than answers.

Ask yourself if you go to your loved ones with worry or love.

Which has more breath,

More space,

More respect,

More efficient use of energy,

More building power?

What would happen in the lives of others and in your own life if you chose love over worry and if you carried trust and believed in your loved ones?

When you can truly love and accept all of yourself,

You are experiencing the beauty of compassion as it begins to bloom in your heart and you begin to see others with different eyes.

For this week and beyond,

Please hold to your heart the practice of Ahimsa or nonviolence as the lack of worry in another to live their life,

Rather to hold trust and belief in our loved ones that they will always find their way and on their distinct journey and with the teachings that they encounter.

Consider whether you will help or support another in their decisions and in allowing others to live their own best life even when you may make different choices for your own life.

Sunday's episode will be focused on the second of the five yamas,

That of satya or truthfulness.

Join me there.

I'll be waiting for you.

Sending you great love,

This is Dorothy.

Namaste.

Thank you so much for joining me in this episode of the Wisdom Podcast.

To hear more,

Please check out the other episodes here as well as my guided meditations,

Including my signature prose meditations and I am mantras and as well the meditations to guide you into a deep and restorative sleep.

Please also visit me on social media and say hello and a special thank you to Insight Timer for this beautiful space to share all of my love.

Allow yourself to go within,

To access your inner wisdom and to live this.

Awaken your authentic power,

Live your truth and be love.

Namaste.