When Our Love Ones Aren’t Doing Well

Welcome to the Happiness Podcast.

I'm Dr.

Robert Puff.

Creating happiness in our own lives isn't necessarily complicated.

It's just certain things we have to do in order to accomplish that task.

In a similar way,

Losing weight isn't necessarily complicated.

We need to exercise more and eat less.

It's just,

For many of us,

Hard to do.

But when it comes to happiness in regards to others,

Then it can get a little bit more tricky.

For example,

We could be having a really nice day,

Keeping our thoughts in check,

Living in the present moment,

And really flowing well with life.

But our partner,

Our children,

Our family may be not having the same experience as we are.

And there's a real temptation to want to try and help them.

And it comes with really good intent.

We're trying to help people that we love have a better day,

Have a better life.

We know what works for us.

Won't it work for them too?

But let's go back to the weight analogy.

Let's say we get up every day,

We work out,

We go to the gym,

We do things to get our bodies fit,

We eat really well,

And really watch our diet.

But let's say our partner isn't doing that.

If we comment on how they're doing it not correctly,

Won't they get mad at us?

Won't they get upset?

I think we would quickly find that if we comment on how they need to improve their lives,

Or they need to get healthier,

And even though this comes with in many ways a positive aspect to it,

We're trying to help them,

We're going to get,

I can pretty much guarantee you,

In most cases,

A resounding back off.

It's none of your business.

Or they may even turn towards us and start attacking us for the way we're living our lives and try to get us to change to be more like them.

This is the tricky part of having people in our lives that we love.

It's usually the people that are closest to us,

Our family,

Our children,

Our partners,

And sometimes the people that we love are struggling.

Well when they struggle,

Two things can happen.

One is we may try to help them to find peace and happiness in their lives like we have.

Or the second thing that can happen,

Which is a bit more trickier,

Is that they are unhappy with us for being happy,

So they try to pull us down or have us enter their world that they're in.

Let me use another analogy to illustrate this.

Let's say we come home one day and our partner is drunk,

I mean really drunk.

And let's even say perhaps they're struggling with an alcohol addiction.

Now two things can happen in this situation.

One,

We may try to help them.

We may try to fix them.

And if you've ever studied anything about addictions,

You'll know that codependency really doesn't work well,

Which is why when someone is married to someone who,

Say,

Has an addiction,

They'll go to codependency meetings to know how to treat or not help the person with the addiction.

But here's where it even gets a lot trickier.

We come home and they're drunk.

And let's say we don't do anything,

We don't try to fix them,

We don't do anything at all,

But they start really trying to get us to drink with them,

To join them in their reverie.

And sometimes we get pulled in to what they're doing.

Now with drinking,

It's pretty clear.

If we come home and our partner or our kids are drunk,

We're probably not going to get drunk with them,

Particularly if they're not doing well.

This makes sense.

But when it comes to creating happiness and peace in our own lives,

How do we keep creating this when the people that we love aren't doing well?

So let's talk about the two aspects of how to engage with people that we love that aren't doing well.

Well,

The first thing that can happen is the people we love just aren't doing well.

Maybe they're depressed,

Maybe they lost their job,

Maybe they have a headache,

Maybe they're going through an existential crisis and just don't know what their meaning and purpose of life is.

The key here on part one though is that it has nothing to do with us.

Whatever they're struggling with,

Our loved ones aren't trying to pull us in to what they're struggling with,

They're just struggling.

Mind you,

I'm limiting this to people that we are very close to,

Again,

Like our children,

Our parents,

Some relatives,

Our partners.

It's not that we don't care for other people,

We actually really should.

It's just the tendency is our world is very small and we,

In truth,

Care about the closest people in our lives.

And though we have sympathy for people when they struggle that aren't part of our inner circle,

It doesn't typically affect us in the same way as when our spouse or our child or our parent struggles.

That's a very different experience.

I mean,

For example,

We all know people that have lost a child.

All of us do.

At some point,

Children die.

It doesn't happen very often.

But when we hear about it,

Even if it's a close friend,

We can be very sad and compassionate with them.

But we're not going to be devastated.

But if our own child gets cancer and faces the potential threat of death,

That's going to be a very different experience.

But getting back to part one of others and our happiness,

When others that we love are struggling.

But in this situation,

It really has nothing to do with us.

And they're not trying to make it about us.

It's something that they're struggling with.

And we just are being with them,

Are with them during that struggling time.

But it really has nothing to do with us.

And they're not trying to make it about us.

They're just struggling.

The answer,

The approach to when this happens is actually very simple.

It's just,

In many situations,

Very challenging to do.

It doesn't have to be.

But it can be.

And here's the answer.

When people we love are struggling,

And they're not trying to pull us in,

It's just that they're having a hard time.

We do what we can do with that situation that may help them.

We may rub their shoulders.

We may be a really good listening ear.

We may take them to their doctor appointment.

We may do so many different things to try to alleviate their suffering,

If we can.

But here's the part that's hard.

When we've done what we can do,

Then all the rest of our time is spent in our happy place.

We work towards creating peace and happiness in our own lives through all the tools we've learned in life.

And the now almost 300 episodes of this happiness podcast that are available to us to learn how to be happy in our lives.

We apply those methods,

We implement them,

And we create peace and happiness in our lives.

And pretty much,

We don't give much attention or focus to the people that we love,

Except during those times where we can help them.

And of course,

There will be times that we can help them,

Often many.

But a lot of the time,

There isn't anything that we can do.

So then,

We focus on being well.

We focus on being in our peaceful place,

Finding serenity,

Finding beauty in all that is around us.

The tendency is for us to think,

Well,

I can't be having a good life.

They're struggling.

I need to,

In a sense,

Be in their misery with them.

I need to not be happy because they're not happy.

That's silly.

Their happiness is their responsibility.

Ours is ours.

We need to help them when we can,

But most of the time,

We can't.

So we focus on ourselves.

Happiness is truly an internal job.

They're responsible for their happiness.

We're responsible for our happiness.

That's the key.

When people that we love are struggling,

Help them when we can.

Help them when we can.

Help them when we can.

And the rest of the time,

We focus on ourselves.

The tendency is to think this is selfish or this is wrong.

But let me explain from my own perspective how this works so well.

I have been helping people as a clinical psychologist now for over 30 years.

That's a long time.

And I really care for the people I work with a lot.

And when they're with me,

I focus on giving them everything I can to improve their lives.

But the second they leave,

I let them go.

And then I focus on how can I be well?

How can I take care of my heart and make sure it stays in a good place?

And my profession tends to be a very high burnout profession.

But I'm hoping to do it another 30 years because I really love what I do.

But I also let it go when I'm not doing it.

And it's the same way with people that we love.

When they're struggling,

Of course we're going to help them.

But we let it go when we're not.

Now the second part is trickier because it's more complicated in the sense that they're trying to pull us actively into their misery,

Into their discomfort.

So what I mean by this is now our partner,

The person that we love,

Our children,

Our spouse,

Whoever it may be,

Is struggling.

People that we're very close to.

And instead of just struggling,

They're trying to bring us into their world of struggle by creating conflict with us,

By creating strife,

By being upset with us for being happy,

By being angry with us.

So many different tools they have to pull us into their misery.

And the tendency is to jump right in and fight with them and argue with them and enter their world of misery.

And then when the fight's over,

We feel like crap and it lasts for a long time.

So what can we do instead?

Well,

The first thing is to realize that arguing,

Fighting,

Creating conflict is a learned skill and some people are really good at it.

So let's say they take their first jab at us and we want to respond because we feel that's an unfair jab.

And we do.

But then they come back with another jab and then we may engage with that one and then they come back with another and then we may engage with that one and then they come back with another.

At this point,

We're getting mad,

We're getting upset because they're being unreasonable and it's causing us a lot of unhappiness and we start acting like they are and now it becomes a full blown fight.

And that's where we need to learn to stop way sooner because if we really do develop these skills of peace and happiness,

The fighting is going to be foreign to us.

We're going to be really bad at it and whatever we do,

We're going to lose because any skill is a skill.

If we're learning to be peaceful and happy in our lives,

We're not learning how to fight.

We're just not.

And people that fight,

They get really good at it because they do it so often.

Happiness is a learned practice skill but so is unhappiness.

It's a learned practice skill and some people get really good at it and when they're struggling,

Sometimes they take out those skills on us.

Let me use an analogy to help visualize this.

Recently I was visiting my sister and she has a pretty big dog that's half pit bull.

I mean it's a very sweet dog but it's big and it has a head that's monstrous.

Anyways,

It was playing outside and it got a thorn stuck in its foot and it was in a lot of pain.

Well we were all around and we cared for this dog and we wanted to help it but anytime you came near its thorn,

It was ready to rip your hand off.

So we just left it alone until that thorn fell out and it did,

Thankfully,

Fairly quickly.

So here's the key element.

When people that we love are struggling and they're trying to fight with us,

They're trying to bring us into their misery,

Then we need to do this.

I do think it's okay to try,

To try one time to see if we can get a positive effect.

Again,

Using that thorn analogy of my sister's dog,

I did try one time to pull the thorn out of his foot but once it tried to bite my hand off,

I stopped.

And I think having a plan when there's lots of emotion,

We have to have a really clear plan of what we need to do.

And when our loved ones aren't doing well and they're ready to bite our hands off,

What do we do?

Again,

We try once because we don't know yet that they're in that place where they're going to attack us.

But when they attack us,

Then we're done.

It's over,

We take a break,

We walk away.

Now they may continue attacking us as we're walking away,

But we do walk away.

We leave them to their misery.

Not that we're doing it because we are angry at them,

We're doing it because we love them,

Because we don't want to get hurt.

And if we let them hurt us,

Then we're going to be upset at them even longer and perhaps with time,

Not even want to be with them.

But if we walk away,

What almost always happens is that they calm down,

Their thorn falls out,

And they're in a better place.

And then we can approach them in love and kindness,

Like we do,

Because we do love them.

But the important thing is,

Do this one thing,

Leave.

Don't engage,

Don't fight,

Don't try to fix it.

You're not going to be able to.

Just leave.

And then come back later and check to see how they're doing.

And you may even tell them,

I'll be back later.

I'm going to go do blank.

But when we check back,

If they're still in their grumpy place,

Then again,

We leave.

Now the leaving may be we go watch a show,

We may read a book,

We may put some music on,

We may call up a friend.

There's lots we can do,

Even when we're in the same car with them.

But truthfully,

I've worked with people that have gotten in very tough situations,

And I've encouraged them to,

When they need to,

Literally get out of the car when it comes to a stop and go somewhere else until their loved one calms down.

Leaving,

Whether it be physically or psychologically,

Is a key choice when the other person is trying to pull us into a fight.

Don't join them.

That thorn that they have in their heart is going to hurt us as much as that thorn is hurting them.

And then our relationship with them is not going to do as well.

But I want to end with one last thing.

It's tricky,

But it's amazing when we can develop this skill.

The second we leave,

We let it go.

And we focus on being happy,

Being in our peaceful place.

Maybe we put some beautiful music on,

Maybe we go for a walk,

Maybe we just spend some time with some friends.

But it's really focusing in on letting go of what's happening with the person that we love and realizing that our happiness is really 100% our responsibility.

So we work on getting our hearts into that place of happiness and peace.

And then perhaps when we come back and check on the person that we love,

They may be better.

But at least we don't have that collateral damage of saying hurtful things back to them.

And instead,

We've left and we focus on the entire time being happy,

Making our hearts do well.

And even though they may have wished that we had fought with them,

We didn't.

And now when we come back,

We don't have that resentment we're holding towards them.

And the entire time,

Guess what?

Our hearts would have been in a good place.

And we can find that the happiness that we seek is always with us.

But it's our responsibility to keep it alive,

Keep it well,

And keep it glowing.

Thank you for joining me on the happiness podcast.

Until next time,

Accept what is,

Love what is.