Selfgentleness In Relationships - LIVE Recording 10 Nov. '23

Hello everyone!

Welcome to my monthly live here on Insight Timer.

It's so great to be here.

I am so glad to be here for my live.

I have to tell you,

When I'm thinking of you guys during the month,

I really am sometimes missing you guys.

And I so love that a lot of you are coming together every Friday this time to meditate together in my meditation group.

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Then after my live,

Check it out.

If you go to my profile,

You go to the About tab and there you can find my meditation group.

Become a member and then lovely Mel,

Who is also one of the meditation teachers here on Insight Timer,

Her name is Melina King,

She organizes that you can meditate together in my group with one of my previous tracks.

But every second Friday of the month,

I'm here live for you,

With you.

And I'm so looking forward to dive into today's topic,

Which is self-gentleness in relationships.

So welcome!

I would love to hear who you are,

Where you are in the world and especially,

Why are you here?

What is self-gentleness in relationships?

Maybe you have a question about this topic,

Maybe you want to share something and maybe we can use that when I start this live.

I'm going to take a few minutes to let people come in,

Just take a look who is here and then we will hit it off together.

So welcome!

So let's see who is here.

A lot of folks,

I see it's going pretty quickly.

Charmaine,

Annemiek,

Petta,

Barbara,

Joss,

Mies,

Vi,

Luanne,

Mary,

Michelle,

Joanna,

Iga,

Carmen,

Monica,

No,

Kirsten.

Lovely,

Welcome all!

So many names that I see here every month and I'm so very grateful for all of you,

Because I do see you here every month and I do see that you're listening to my tracks on Insight Timer,

That you're leaving me reviews and I'm so appreciative of that.

Because I don't know if you know it,

But also Insight Timer has an algorithm these days and the more you listen to me and you give me positive feedback and you give me stars and you share it within Insight Timer or you use all those buttons to share it on your social media,

You tell Insight Timer,

Femke,

Her work is well,

Her work is good,

Listen to it and Insight Timer starts to introduce me also to others.

So you're really helping me to spread my work.

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And if you have a premium account on Insight Timer,

Which is pretty worthwhile,

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000 courses and also the premium tracks and so many things from all teachers,

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Hi Randy,

Lovely to see you.

Hi Slavena,

Really great to see you also.

Hi Edward,

Your first time here,

You've been listening to my Insight Timer teaching.

Well,

I'm really great that you're catching me live today.

So Annemiek,

Welcome Annemiek,

Lovely.

You left me some really lovely reviews also lately.

Thank you so much for that.

You say,

My head knows that I have to take good care of myself first so that I can be good for others,

But I find it difficult to choose sufficiently for myself in relation to my husband and children.

I hope for tips.

That's really,

That's a really clear question and I think that also goes to the core of being self-gentle in relationships.

Because as we are on the journey of self-gentleness and we learn to be more and more self-gentle in our relationships with others,

It can be tough sometimes.

More to that,

Thank you so much for sharing that experience.

I think we will get to some tips today,

I really hope so.

So let's see who else is coming in.

Bill from Portnitz,

This live is totally supportive of my study and practice because you are working with Pema Chodron's audiobook The Places That Scare You.

That looks really,

Really great.

Lovely that you're here.

Hi Dora,

I'm so glad to see you.

I hope you're doing well.

Let's keep in touch soon,

Right?

Let's be in touch soon,

Yeah.

Dora is saying I'm struggling to find self-gentleness as I recently lost my partner,

Yeah.

It feels self-kind to grieve for him but on the other hand it's so painful.

I struggle to give myself the care I need.

I need some guidance.

Yeah Dora,

I know your story.

We know each other and Dora and me,

We've done some one-on-one work and I know and I also know the really,

Really great work that Dora is doing.

She's as a volunteer having a foundation in the UK to help foxes who are suffering.

So if Dora,

If you want to put here your website so people can check it out and maybe donate to you,

Then please do so.

Feel free to do so because Dora is doing really important work.

But yeah,

Dora,

I hope there will be some tips here but let's let's get in touch through the email soon,

Yeah.

Guus,

Hello Guus.

Marlene says I'm struggling with honoring my own emotions and needs in my relationship.

I'm too aware of the emotions and needs of my partner that I forget my own or I feel guilty if my needs don't match his.

Yeah,

With a smiley.

Very common.

Really,

Really,

Really normal.

Yeah,

Let's let's let's speak about that also.

Michelle saying learning not to be passive.

Trying.

Okay,

That's also a good one.

All right,

So we're already six minutes in.

Let's start.

So if you're here for the very first time and you don't know me,

My name is Femke Bakker.

So I'm one of the meditation teachers here on Insight Timer.

I also work as a behavioral researcher in political psychology in Leiden University in the Netherlands.

I'm Dutch as you might hear from my accent.

But I think mainly what I'm doing here on Insight Timer more and more is that I'm a teacher of self gentleness.

And self gentleness is a concept that I developed over the last years.

First,

At first mainly to help myself.

Because I'm a previous perfectionist.

I'm someone who used to be really,

Really tough on myself.

Was expecting a lot of myself.

Due to all kind of circumstances in April of this year I had a TEDx talk,

Which you can find on YouTube if you like,

Where you can listen to my personal story.

How I got to become more and more self gentle.

But especially also how this is a lifelong work in progress process to be self gentle.

It's not like a diploma or a degree that you will get and then from then on you're self gentle.

No,

It's it's something that it's a journey.

And the more self gentle you become for yourself,

The more easy it becomes.

But sometimes it still remains a struggle.

For instance,

Like I said,

You can become self gentle when it's just you.

You know,

You and yourself.

Your own thoughts about you.

Practices that you do.

Routines that you can build to help yourself.

But then in face of others,

Your relationships.

And that can be your romantic relationship with your spouses,

Partners.

But it can also be your kids,

Your friends,

Your bosses or your employees,

Your colleagues,

Your society.

Basically any interaction with another is a relationship.

And some of those relationships are way more dear to us and more important to us than others.

So you know which relationship you want to work with.

Could be your spouse,

Could be your kid,

Could be your uncle,

Could be your friend,

Could be your boss.

So you know,

Because whatever I'm going to tell you,

It's basically the rules are the same.

Or not the rules,

The guidelines are the same.

So let me start first to explain you what self gentleness is,

In case you don't know that yet.

So this is my definition.

It is radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

Let me say that again.

Radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness.

So yeah,

Anyone can be gentle to themselves,

Right?

If I'm asking you remember last time you were gentle to yourself,

You can probably remember that moment.

And very often those moments are when we are proud of ourselves.

When we think,

Oh we really hit it off.

Oh I did well.

And then you reward yourself,

You're kind to yourself,

You give yourself compliments.

So that is good,

That's perfect.

But can you also radically do that?

I mean always.

Like even when you fail,

Even when you do something really really wrong,

That you can still tell yourself,

Well it's kind of a bummer.

But you know,

I tried.

I did my best.

Maybe next time better,

Or the time after,

Or the time after.

Maybe I will never get this done,

But does that mean that I'm not worthy?

No,

It's okay,

Right?

That's pretty radical.

When we are gentle with ourselves,

When we do stuff wrong,

When we fall and we trip,

When we make mistakes,

When we forget something,

When we oversleep,

When we make a fight.

All those moments,

That's kind of radical.

And consistently is like always.

And I think this is what I want to get to today when it's about relationship.

With with the consistent,

I mean also when others are asking you to be gentle for them,

Even though you don't have it in you right now,

To grant that gentleness towards them.

Because it goes against your own needs,

Your own feelings,

Your own energy.

And that is exactly where we trip.

Because saying no to people that are not so important to us,

It's often not so difficult.

But to the people that we love,

That are important for us,

That we want them to be gentle with us as well,

That's sometimes pretty hard.

And there is where we sometimes lose track of that self-gentleness.

And we become rather gentle to others instead of being to ourselves.

However,

The best reason why self-gentleness in relationships,

And again this is any relationship,

Is so important,

Is because if you go over your own boundaries,

Or your own needs,

Or your own energy,

Or you're just,

You know,

Because you're tired or whatever,

To be gentle to another.

And there basically you cut your own needs loose,

You go over your boundaries,

That in the end you will not be so gentle towards these people.

Especially when it builds up,

When you again and again and again forget about your own gentleness.

In order to give your loved ones,

Whoever this is,

Or your boss,

This relationship,

Whatever they need,

There comes a moment that it is enough for you.

And at that point you will not be able to be gentle.

Not with yourself,

And not with them.

And a clash will be there,

Or a fight,

Or you maybe keep it in because you're someone who doesn't like to fight.

And then the resentment builds up,

And then you lose a lot of the connection with the other.

This is also not the way.

And we understand this,

Right?

When I'm telling you this,

You know this.

Yeah,

I know.

I know that I should honor who I am also vis-a-vis the other.

But that's sometimes really hard,

And I again step in it,

And especially when others are putting pressure on me,

Or actively asking me to change whatever I want to do,

Or change myself,

Or adapt for them.

That is where we trip up.

So self-gentleness is key here.

And it starts really with becoming self-gentle with yourself.

That's really step one.

But I can understand when you're in the middle of,

When you are already in a relationship where you understand that you need to take more care of yourself,

And others are used to that,

It's really hard to make that next step and becoming more self-gentle.

So there are steps we can take in that.

Before I get there,

I just want to take a look at the comments here,

Because I think there might be some other thing that I can get into the story.

Let me just see.

This I read already.

Lizzie says,

Hi Lizzie,

Just came home from caring for my mother-in-law,

And see that she has a senior health crisis,

But she refuses medical care for religious reasons.

All happened just now,

And I am distressed.

That's a really clear example.

You want to take care of someone who has a crisis,

You want to take care of them,

But basically they have some resistance to the available help that is there,

Which is fine.

This is their resistance,

Her resistance in this case.

But it puts a burden on you,

That you feel that it is really hard to deal with.

You are distressed,

You want to help her,

But the ways you see you can help her,

Are not there.

So that is really,

Really hard.

In this case,

This is a place where it's important to first come to yourself,

And start to understand.

So these are her circumstances,

This is the way she wants to deal with it,

What part can and do I want to play in this?

So if her refusing to take medicines puts a specific burden on you,

For instance,

I don't know exactly what the case is,

So I don't know for instance actually,

That it's important that you feel what is it that I can do,

And what is it that I don't want to do,

Or I cannot do.

And then to be really clear and straightforward about that.

And I know that is difficult,

Because you sometimes can know what you don't want,

But to actually communicate to the other in a way where you're not defensive,

In a way where the other can understand or at least respect your decision,

That is not so easy.

But it has a lot to do with being kind to yourself,

Being gentle to yourself,

And accepting that it is okay to want to do things differently than the other.

Okay,

Let me see what else is here.

Jan says it seems I sometimes second-guess myself and don't realize until I'm dysregulated that I had boundaries or triggering situations that I didn't know I had.

It's hard to be gentle with myself when that happens.

Yeah,

But I really love how you pinpoint a problem,

Because you are realizing that very often you cross your own boundaries,

And then you think,

Whoa I did it again,

And then you beat yourself up for doing it again.

But you could also turn it around by saying,

Oh I did it again,

Oh apparently I am not yet so good in recognizing my boundaries,

So next time I will try to say to anyone asking me something,

Give me a minute to think,

And then I'm actually going to take this minute to think.

This is what I promise myself.

And I also understand that I am learning this,

I have to learn this,

I've been all my life,

You know,

Going over my boundaries.

It might take some years before I'm really getting good at this.

So next time someone asks me,

I will first say,

Well give me a minute,

Or give me a day,

And then I will give you an answer.

It might be that the next time you forget it,

But that's no reason to beat yourself up.

That's saying,

Hey I did it again.

I remember I promised myself that I would tell them I would take some time,

And I didn't.

Okay,

So next time I will try again.

By the way,

There's nothing wrong with being inconsistent.

There's nothing wrong with saying,

First crossing your boundaries,

Saying yes to someone,

And then later thinking,

Oh wait,

I did say yes,

But I now noticed that I'm crossing my own boundaries.

You can communicate that to others.

And I know it's scary.

I mean,

I've been there,

I'm sometimes still there,

But you can learn to do this.

And the first time you do it,

It feels really,

Really awkward.

And the second time,

It's a little bit less awkward.

And the more you practice it,

The more you start to feel empowered,

Because you start to notice that you can actually speak for yourself.

You can actually tell others how you feel,

And that it is okay.

One of the core elements in this is that when we get in any relationship in blaming or accusing,

So you could accuse another of crossing your boundaries,

While you've been the one who had them cross your boundaries,

Right?

And I know sometimes people are like that.

But communicating about these kind of things,

It's always really important that you stick with yourself.

That you explain to others how things feel for you,

And whether or not they understand it,

Whether or not they respond to it,

That doesn't matter.

But you can speak to how things feel for you.

All right,

So Ray says,

Just hopped in,

What you just said really resonated and reminds me of my ex.

She said she felt resentful.

She didn't feel like we should compromise,

And was going through a time when she wasn't happy with herself.

I didn't know how I could help,

But try to encourage her to do more things for herself.

Yeah,

Ray,

That's also a really,

Really great example.

And what I really love in your description is that you recognize that this was something that belongs to her.

And that in a way,

You don't really say that,

But it might be that you felt that she kept you responsible for how she was feeling,

While you could also see this was part of her.

And I think that is in relationships,

Especially with your loved ones,

Really important that in all your communications,

That you can separate between what you are feeling,

What is going on within you,

And that you understand that in your interaction with the other,

You so often bring your own experiences and memories,

Whether this is with your spouse,

Or with previous situations,

With anyone,

Sometimes even your parents,

Maybe.

Sometimes you go really way back,

And you don't even know you bring this past into the present moment.

And therefore,

It's really important to keep,

When you communicate with another about what is it you need,

What your boundaries are,

What is it you want,

That you keep it with yourself.

That you don't make the other responsible for solving it,

But you connect with them by explaining what it is that you feel.

And that is a whole different dynamic when these things happen.

I don't know if you can relate to that.

You continue here,

Actually,

You say,

The same time she knew and felt it wasn't something I was doing,

It was hard for me to understand.

Well,

I can really,

Really appreciate then the talks that you had,

That also she realized it was part of her,

And you felt that you wanted to help her.

But yeah,

That can be really,

Really hard sometimes.

Okay,

Jan says,

I also get so frustrated when others do the same thing I do,

But now I.

Now I'm more understanding when others do it.

Sorry,

I have to wrap my head around.

You get frustrated when others do the same thing you do.

Okay,

But now you understand why others are doing it.

Yeah,

I'm not completely sure that what you mean,

Like when you're doing something,

And they want to do it with you,

Or they copy you.

Could you elaborate a little bit on that?

Thank you so much.

Kenya says,

I struggle sometimes with my son,

Who suffers from a positional defy and disorder and ADHD,

As I can be reactive with his behavior.

It's hard to show myself gentleness.

Yeah,

But that is really hard.

You know,

That is,

You see your kid suffering,

You are the safest person that they can,

You know,

To get into opposition.

So it takes a lot of self gentleness to understand that this is not you,

But this is him suffering from whatever is going on with him.

That is really hard.

And becoming gentle with yourself,

Understanding that you give yourself,

What you actually would him to give you,

That's a first start.

Yeah,

But it's a challenge,

Absolutely.

Okay,

So there's so many topics,

I realize,

When we're speaking about this,

Right?

So let me try to get to the core.

I think the very first start of being self-gentle in relationships is becoming aware of how you can be self-gentle.

How you can start to tune in with yourself,

Because basically that is it,

And know what is going on within,

To learn to understand what thoughts you're having,

What emotions and feelings you are having,

Where you're coming from,

And how you can soothe yourself.

So how you can be kind and gentle to yourself,

Even when you're doing things wrong,

Or you're failing,

Or whatever even thoughts you might have about yourself.

And this process,

I've described this in my courses here on Insight Timer.

So I have a course in Dutch and also in English about self-gentleness,

Which is a pretty brief course.

It's basically just four days,

And then three more days,

Which are three practices that you could do every day.

And if you would do this for,

Let's say,

30 days,

You're making a significant start in becoming self-gentle.

And I will tell you what these practices are.

So the best thing is to start every evening by letting go of your day,

Just before you go to sleep.

So you're already in bed,

You know,

Lights are off,

You're laying really comfortable.

And then to make the conscious decision that your day is now over,

Whatever happened,

And that today is going to be a different day.

So often when we go to bed with feeling bad,

Or having a problem that we are chewing on in our brain,

We then wake up and we immediately start continuing thinking these things,

Feeling bad.

But what we forget is that this moment of this night of sleep,

Whether it's a short,

Broken night,

But you get some sleep,

You get some rest,

We can use this as a reset.

I know everyone has had this experience that you go to bed feeling really bad.

And then when you wake up in a moment and everything is good until you suddenly remember that yesterday you were really feeling bad because of something.

And before you know it,

You're sad again,

Or angry again,

Or frustrated again.

So this is it.

The night sleep,

Where you just,

You know,

You zoom out,

You give your body actual rest,

You give your mind rest,

You're not here,

You're not consciously here.

It's like a reset.

And if you would be able to wake up and not pick up where you left off last night,

But you just start a new day afresh,

Understanding that all possibilities are there again,

And you don't have to drag your past with you into the next day,

Then you start to be self-gentle.

And this starts in the evening.

So you're lying in bed,

Everything is done.

And then,

I understand it might have been a hard day.

It might have been really hard to let go of the problems.

It might even be hard to fall asleep because you've been chewing on all these things all night.

So that's okay.

What you do is start to relax yourself.

And then you start to think of a few things that you've been grateful for this day,

Or maybe things that you are grateful for in your life.

And I know when you feel sad or angry or frustrated,

It might be hard to think of things you're grateful for.

But there's always something.

It might be as simple as that person in the street that smiled to you today.

It might be that you passed a bush of roses and,

Oh,

You enjoyed that smell.

Or the cup of tea that you had just two minutes in between everything,

Which was so tasty.

Or that good piece of chocolate that you put in your mouth.

Or it could be something really,

Just the fact that you opened the shower and hot water came out,

And it was really good on your body.

There are always things to be grateful for.

And sometimes when you're feeling bad,

It takes some time to probe,

To feel.

But if you're in bed laying comfortable,

It can just be,

Oh,

I'm so grateful for my pillow.

It's really,

I had such a bad day,

But I'm laying here on my pillow and oh,

I love this pillow.

Only that feeling,

That's what you're working for.

That's what you're looking for.

So just think of three things or people or situations that you feel grateful for.

And again,

It can be really small.

And you will feel a significant change.

There will be some release of tension.

And the release of tension,

So last month I spoke about releasing resistance.

The track must be published soon that you can listen to it if you were not there.

It's always about the release of the tension in your stomach,

That pit in your stomach where you feel,

When you don't feel so good,

Where you feel it.

There is some relief.

That's what you're looking for.

By cultivating gratitude,

We know from a lot of research that by cultivating gratitude,

You really help yourself to feel better.

And then you decide,

When I wake up tomorrow,

It's going to be a new day with new opportunities,

New possibilities,

And I'm going to be open for all the good that can come.

And then you go to sleep in your own way.

Maybe you use a sleeping meditation.

Maybe you sleep like that.

Maybe you read a book,

Whatever you do.

You set that intention.

And then the first thing in the morning when you wake up is that you greet yourself.

You tell yourself,

Good morning,

Darling.

How are you?

I'm so happy that you are here.

It might sound weird,

Right,

That you would speak to yourself like that.

You can do it in your head.

You don't have to make it out loud.

But if you're alone in your bed or your partner doesn't mind,

You can even say it.

Good morning,

Darling.

How are you?

I'm so happy that you are here.

And then again,

You repeat this.

Today is a new day.

Today is a day with all possibilities open again.

And you know what?

Today I'm going to be open for good things coming to me.

Today I'm going to be open to look for things,

Right?

So the very first day you try this,

It might be just one minute in the morning before you pick up what you left yesterday evening.

But then the next day you do it,

It might be two minutes.

And before you know it,

You're one hour in the day before the old stuff comes back.

And after about a month,

About 30 days,

You will notice that you are able to control your momentum in the day.

You will be able to feel self empowerment,

That you actually can let go of things that are bothering you.

And you start a day on a new way.

This is self gentleness.

Why?

Because you let yourself know that it is okay to feel okay.

You actually show yourself that there are ways to let go of all those thoughts that are bothering you,

That are hurting you,

That are bringing you sadness or frustration or anger,

And that you have control of this.

You can do something with this.

A third practice that I always recommend is to take a few moments in the day,

Just one minute,

Where you tune in with yourself to just feel what's going on within me.

It could be just when you're in the restroom,

Close your eyes and just notice.

Or you're standing in line somewhere,

Or you're on a commute,

Or you're in a traffic jam,

Just to take that one minute to close your eyes and to tune in.

What is it that I'm feeling in my body?

Oh,

My feet are hurting.

Maybe I should sit.

Maybe I should give my feet some rest.

Oh,

I feel a little bit tired.

Maybe it's better that I cancel this dinner date tonight and then go to bed early.

Oh,

I cannot.

You know what?

I will go to the dinner date,

But then tomorrow I will go to bed early.

That you tune in and feel what it actually is,

What your needs are.

And I'm now speaking about physical tiredness,

You know,

Becoming physically tired,

But it could be so many other things that are going on.

The first step in becoming self-gentle is to start to understand what is going on within and what we are expecting from ourselves,

Despite whatever we are feeling,

Whatever is going on with ourselves.

We are so trained by our parents,

Our teachers,

Our communities,

Our jobs,

Ourselves mainly,

Our own expectations to just carry on,

To be tough,

To be strong,

To do everything and even more for ourselves,

For others.

And then we forget to tune in and we forget to feel what it is that we need.

But if we teach ourselves to feel what is going on within us,

Then we are on our way to be more self-gentle.

One of the things in the morning that besides setting the intention of the new day,

It's also really good to ask yourself,

What is it that I need right now?

And the answer can be different every day.

So one day you're a little bit tired and it's like,

Let's snooze more for a few minutes,

Or maybe even close the alarm clock,

Turn around and sleep a little bit more if it's possible.

Maybe it is,

I have a lot of energy,

I just want to go for a jog,

I have a lot of energy,

I will jump,

Go to my work now and get things done that I really need to be doing and that will give me a good feeling.

Maybe it is getting up slowly,

Making myself a nice coffee,

Sitting,

Taking the time to zip it,

Maybe it's calling your best friend to have a nice chat.

Whatever it is that you need,

Which can be different any moment,

And just tune into that and acknowledge that it is there.

And I know very often we cannot,

We are tired,

We want to sleep longer,

But then we have to wake up the kids,

Bring them to school,

For instance.

Yeah,

That is hard.

But then at least acknowledge that you have a need and promise yourself that you will honor this need in a later moment,

That you will carve out some time to give this to yourself.

Becoming aware of what is going on,

Honoring that right now or later on,

That's a really,

Really great start.

And really,

You will notice when you start to do this,

You will notice that after some time it becomes easier,

It becomes more natural,

And it will be at a certain moment that you ask yourself,

Hey,

Once I responded so differently to these things and now I'm really taking care of myself.

So yeah,

And then we have the others,

Of course,

That we have to relate to.

And that is sometimes really,

Really difficult and also really,

Really exciting.

So from my own experience,

I will share with you some personal experience in this.

I've been someone who found it really,

Really hard to think of myself also in relationships first,

Not just with romantic partners,

But also with my children,

With colleagues,

With jobs,

Things like that.

And it's really something that I had to learn.

For me,

The most important decision was in taking care of myself is also to understand that I had to let others be as they are.

Because most friction that you can have with others is when you expect others to behave differently so that my life becomes easier.

Because when you are relating to someone else and they're asking things from you or they're giving you a hard time or they want to fight with you or they just want you to do something that you don't have time for,

You don't like to do,

Then there is a friction.

And it's so easy then to start to blame the other,

To say,

Well,

You have to be different.

And when you are different,

I will feel better.

But the problem is they will reciprocate if they're not already doing the same expectation to you.

You have to be different so that they can feel better.

And in many relationships,

This is the recipe for a lot of fighting,

A lot of struggle,

A lot of power plays,

A lot of sadness and hurt.

So at a certain moment,

I start to understand that it is really important for me to be self-sufficient in how I feel,

How I can make myself feel,

How I can take care of myself,

How I can be self-gentle.

The paradox of that is that sometimes it feels that you're really alone,

That you're the only one taking care of you.

And then the question arises,

But isn't this exactly why we are in relationships?

To support each other,

To love each other,

To help each other.

Where is that boundary then between me taking care of how I feel,

Me being responsible for my own happiness,

While relating to another and wanting to be happy with them?

So the first key for me was that self-sufficiently and letting the others be as they are and just love them like that.

And truthfully,

With some people that's harder than with others.

Some people are just so easy to love and some others are harder to love.

But this is practice.

And the beauty of it is it's not so much about turning the other cheek to the other,

But just understanding that,

Well,

There will always be people who ruffle our feathers,

Make us upset.

But when you learn that you don't have to agree,

You can agree to disagree,

At least I can agree to disagree,

The other one doesn't even have to be on the same page like me,

Then something changes.

When you don't want the other to always acknowledge you,

Tell you that you are right,

Agree with you,

Even love you,

Then you empower yourself.

But that is kind of a tricky play that takes a long time.

So I created a course about this,

Which is about political tolerance,

Cultivating political tolerance,

Because in the politics,

This is a given,

Right?

Politics by definitions are often about opposition.

But we can learn to deal with that,

Not in turning the other cheek or condoning what others are doing,

No,

But realizing that there will always be people that are different from us and that we can still empower ourselves to be who we are.

The same goes for close relationships,

The same goes for loved ones.

So being self-gentle in relationships starts there,

To be gentle to yourself and to also be gentle to others,

To understand that everyone has the same need,

The same wish to have a good life,

To be happy,

To be healthy,

To be safe,

To have an easy life just like you.

And by understanding that you are not responsible for being on the same page,

Wanting to do that in the same way,

You open up for a real connection.

And with some people that can mean that you will not want to see them anymore,

Because you can love them better or accept them better when they are at the big distance.

But for many others,

There can come a really beautiful connection.

So I'm so lucky to be with my partner,

Who is such a beautiful soul,

And I love him so,

So very much.

And he taught me something beautiful,

And it is in my quest to be self-sufficient,

I also sometimes forgot that it's okay to say that you need someone,

That you want to connect,

That you want to love,

That you want to share.

And that is a lesson that I've learned that is so very valuable to me.

Because in that beautiful connection,

You find the true openness and the true being together and being able to acknowledge that you need each other without making each other responsible for your own happiness.

But the first step in that is being able to tune in also with yourself and understanding what it is that you need,

And then to have the openness to share that,

To be able to tell someone that you need them without expecting them to save that,

To rescue that,

To be responsible for you being well.

It's a very nuanced story,

It's something that I'm still exploring with a lot of joy,

I can say.

And I just wanted to share that with you,

Because when I,

So I know that a year ago I also spoke about self-gentleness and relationship,

And I know that I was always really strong on you have to be responsible for everything,

How you feel yourself,

You can make no one responsible for that.

And I still believe it,

And I know that,

But I also know from experience that in the connection,

In the acknowledgement of being vulnerable while you keep it with yourself,

And you don't tell the other,

You have to change to make me feel good,

That is not the way.

But this is how I am feeling,

I am here,

And I want to connect that there is a lot of self-gentleness.

In other words,

The self-gentleness in relationships lies in being willing to be open,

Being willing to be vulnerable,

Being willing to show where you are,

What you are feeling,

Without expecting the other one to take away all your problems,

But to do connect with you.

So you can hold hands,

And enjoy life together,

Support each other,

Hold each other,

Communicate together,

And basically be the cherry on each other's cake,

Right?

So,

All right,

I was speaking a lot,

And I know I also promised to do a meditation,

And I see I'm already 45 minutes in,

So I'll just take a quick look if there are some other questions or comments,

And then I want to take you in a meditation.

Okay,

Oh yeah,

So Jan comes back,

When others have fuzzy boundaries,

And you don't always realize that they are not so clear about their boundaries,

And you start to understand that process.

That's really,

I know where you're coming from,

Sometimes you feel that people are not so clear about their boundaries,

And you don't know exactly where they are,

So you start to assume what the boundaries are.

The most self-gentle way for me has been to just ask people,

To say,

Is this what you want?

Is this not what you want?

To just directly communicate with what your assumptions are,

Actually saying,

Well,

I now assume that you don't want this,

Or what,

Is this true?

And then it's open on the table,

And it's up to them to tell you what it is,

And it's still their responsibility to communicate about that,

But you wrote that you're already getting better at this.

So,

Slavena says,

To love is a decision that is supported by the commitments of the actions we're taking towards someone or ourselves,

Like to care,

Prioritize,

Connect,

Spending time with.

That's absolutely true,

Slavena,

That's really beautiful,

Thank you.

Hi April,

I'm happy that you are here.

Well,

You're just in time for the meditation,

That is really lovely.

Hi Liz,

Lovely that you are here also.

Alan says,

My partner can be very kind,

But he sometimes loses his temper and calls me silly or ridiculous,

Or says,

What are you carrying on about now?

Sometimes I think I never want to see him again.

Yeah,

Alan,

That can be challenging,

Of course.

So,

I think the most important part is that you remain self-gentle there,

That even when he says things that are hurtful to you,

That you can leave this with him,

First of all.

This is him losing his temper for whatever frustration he has,

For whatever reason he has this,

And it doesn't mean nothing for you.

It doesn't mean that you are silly,

Doesn't mean that you carry on.

You are who you are,

And I know that is hard,

But that is the first thing.

And when you learn to really acknowledge that for yourself,

That his words are something that belongs with where he is right now,

And you can stick with yourself,

You might find other words to tell him.

And those are your words,

Right?

This is something that you will have to find within.

It can be that the moment it happens,

You decide,

Well,

I see you're ranting again.

I don't feel like listening to this because I don't want to feel bad about myself.

So,

You know what?

I go to a different room,

And whenever you're more cheerful,

You know,

Go for a run,

Do something to feel better.

Whenever you feel better,

I'm happy to see you and have a nice chat with you.

Something along those lines.

Because basically,

In this moment,

You are making him responsible for you feeling good,

And he's ranting to you.

He's also making you responsible for feeling good because he just wants to lose whatever is going on.

So,

It's up to you to understand that this is something that belongs to them,

To him,

And that you can decide for yourself what you want to do for yourself to feel good right now.

And from then on,

Dynamics can change,

Right?

In whatever way you would like it to change.

I don't know if this is completely clear.

All right.

So,

One of the most effective meditations in my whole experience as a meditation teacher to connect with ourselves,

With gentleness for ourselves,

And also for others,

Is loving-kindness meditation,

Also called metta.

It originates in Buddhism,

But it's also used by secular mindfulness.

I've been studying this meditation as a researcher,

In particular to cultivate political tolerance.

And why is that?

Because this meditation really acknowledges that every person,

Every being here,

Just wants to have a good life.

But we all have very different perspectives of how to get there.

When we are with people who have the same ideas of how to get to the good life,

It's easy.

But when there are others,

It might be harder.

From research,

We know that when you've been doing this meditation in total for at least eight hours,

So that's,

Let's say,

15 minutes a day for a month,

Right?

That then you significantly start to feel different.

It's also the core meditation that I use in my course,

How to Deal with Challenging Opinions and Behaviors,

Here on Insight Timer.

And it's a really,

Really effective course.

If you are premium and you can take a look at the course,

Take a look at the comments people are making,

The reviews people are giving.

It is really a course that helps people.

In the core,

It is about people who are thinking differently about societies and politics.

But it works way bigger than that.

You can actually apply it to any relationship you have with people that are giving you some troubles.

So I want to guide you now also in a loving-kindness meditation.

I will give it some extra swing,

Personal Themka swing,

But the core will be this.

Now,

Before we start,

I want you to now decide,

I'm going to ask you in the meditation to think of someone that loves you a lot and that you love.

So someone,

When you think of them,

You already have love pouring out of you.

It's so easy.

And now,

Yeah,

That one.

The first one that comes to mind,

That's the one you're using.

Then someone that you feel neutral about.

So that's maybe,

You know,

The receptionist at your work or someone that you buy coffee from every day or a donut.

Then I want you to think of someone who's having a really hard time right now.

That one.

Don't overthink it.

The first one that pops on,

That's the one to work with.

You can always come back later and work with other people.

And then someone that you've had some problems with.

You know,

You find them irritating or annoying or you had some fights.

And if you have a really,

Really hard time with them,

Don't pick the difficult,

Most difficult one.

Then pick the one that's a little bit less difficult just for a practice.

So you've decided on these people.

So when I'm asking you to bring them to mind,

You will do it.

So whenever I'm asking you to bring people to mind,

Do this in your own way,

The way you think of people.

So some people picture them,

Others just say their names,

Think of them,

Get a feeling.

Do it in your own way,

Right?

All right,

Let's start.

So let's start by making ourselves comfortable.

So sit,

You know,

In a comfortable place.

You don't have to sit up without leaning to something.

You can really lean against the back of your chair or the sofa,

The wall,

If you like so.

And you can fold your legs or you can just put your feet on the ground,

Your hands relaxed in your lap.

And while you're sitting,

Just take a moment to feel if everything is relaxed,

If there's any tension somewhere in your body,

Maybe your shoulders.

I always have very quickly tension in my shoulders.

So,

You know,

Just pull them up and drop them.

Oh,

My tongue came out.

You see,

That's so good.

Do it with me.

Pull up your shoulders and just,

You know,

Pulling up your shoulders and it feels so good.

I immediately feel a lot of tension flowing away.

It might be also,

You know,

When I'm also someone who's always pulling in my belly and I just drop it.

Oh,

It's so good.

All right.

Lemon face.

Tension in your forehead,

In your jaw,

Just like make a funny face and then we relax it again.

That's really good.

All right,

Let's close our eyes.

Now,

Let's start thinking of this person that loves us so dearly.

It can be someone who is still present in your life,

Someone that used to be present,

The person you just got in your mind.

Now,

Imagine that they are sitting next to you on your right.

Yeah,

Just imagine them,

Picture them or feel for them,

Say their name,

Just to get a sense of their presence.

And now imagine that they are with you here and that they're going to give you four beautiful wishes.

I'm going to say the first sentence and then just you repeat it.

You can do it out loud or you can do it mentally.

These four wishes.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

Okay,

Hear them again.

They are looking at you.

They are sitting next to you to your right and they are loving you.

They look at you and the love is pouring out of every fiber of their body and they're telling you this.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

And they repeat it.

May you be happy.

Say it with me.

May you be healthy.

Say it with me.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

And again,

Repeat it with me and hear,

Feel them wishing you this.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

And really feel the power of these words,

Of this loving person who loves you so much,

Wishing you happiness,

Safety,

Health,

Ease of life.

Now you look at them and you're going to reciprocate.

You're going to tell them the same sentences.

Let's do it together.

Tell them,

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

And take a look at them,

How they are receiving your love,

Your kindness,

Your gentleness,

Your wishes.

One more time.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

All right.

Now we're going to tell ourselves these sentences.

We just had this love from these people flowing.

We just had our love for these people flowing.

Now we're going to extend this to ourselves.

And if you don't really feel it,

That's okay.

Just tell yourself these wishes.

That's enough.

That's enough.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

And if you feel that it's touching you or maybe making you emotional,

That's okay.

You're extending this love,

This love that was just flowing to yourself.

And if it's just a sentence and you don't really believe it or feel it,

That's fine.

That's okay.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

It feels good to tell yourself this.

Whether you feel the exact words or not,

That doesn't matter.

All right.

Let's bring to mind this person that we feel neutral about,

Right?

The neighbor that walks a dog in the streets,

The coffee person.

Just get a sense of their presence.

Picture them,

Imagine them,

Think of them,

Say their name,

If you know their name.

And we're going to wish them the same.

You know why?

We feel neutral about them.

It's not so important.

If we never see them again,

We don't care.

But we can acknowledge that every person wants the same things in life.

And this is what we're going to wish them.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

All right.

Really great.

Now bring the person to mind who's having a hard time right now.

Doesn't mind why they are having a hard time.

Again,

Picture them,

Imagine them,

Say their name,

Get a sense of their presence and wish them the same sentences.

Just knowing that every person wants the same basic needs in life.

And we're just wishing them well.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

Well done.

Now bring to mind that difficult person.

The one who's irritating you,

Annoying you.

Maybe you had a fight with him.

And when you imagine their presence with you,

Then just put them at a distance that feels good to you.

Put them on an equal footing.

You can even see them at a big distance if you don't want them near you.

That's fine.

And just remember,

We're going to wish them these basic needs to be happy,

To be healthy,

To be safe,

To have an easy life.

And it doesn't mean that we agree with what they did.

It doesn't mean that we agree with how they are behaving.

It doesn't mean that we condone what they're doing.

It doesn't mean that we forgive them even.

It's all not necessary.

We only acknowledge that we're all human beings and we all have this need for a happy,

Healthy,

Safe and easy life.

So this is what we can wish them there at a distance.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

And you don't have to feel it,

Really.

Just say these sentences.

But if you notice that you're getting emotional or you're getting angry or sad or frustrated,

Then just stop.

Then just stop and give those wishes to yourself.

Then you say,

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I have an easy life.

But if the emotions are okay and you can just extend these wishes then,

Tell them again.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

May you be happy.

May you be healthy.

May you be safe.

May you live your life with ease.

Well done.

It was not so easy,

But you did it.

And if it didn't work out,

That's good.

Then give yourself these wishes because you should never suffer.

Then take care of yourself first.

It is okay to be gentle with yourself first.

If you cannot extend the gentleness to others,

Be gentle to yourself first.

If you feel that you're resenting others because you force yourself to be gentle with them at your own expense,

Then be gentle to yourself.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

These sentences are so powerful.

You could repeat it to yourself every day,

Every moment that you feel that you don't acknowledge yourself.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

Now let's expand this love to all beings in the world,

Just for a moment.

Realize that this group of people,

It's like 250 people or something,

Sitting together all over the world.

People from Australia,

New Zealand,

From Europe,

From Asia,

From the Americas,

All over the world.

We're here together to meditate.

We're all together in this.

We're all connected.

Let's send these wishes to all beings in front of us,

All beings behind us,

All beings left from us,

All beings right from us,

All beings above us,

All beings below us.

And I don't mean just human beings.

I mean all beings.

May all beings be happy.

May all beings be healthy.

May all beings be safe.

May all beings have an easy life.

May they be happy.

May they be healthy.

May they be safe.

May they have an easy life.

May they be happy.

May they be healthy.

May they be safe.

May they lead an easy life.

For one moment,

Put your hands on your heart and acknowledge for a moment what's going on there.

It might be that you feel the love flowing.

It might be that you feel a little bit emotional.

It might be that you are sad.

It might be that you feel happy.

It might be that you feel connected.

Whatever's going on,

It's okay.

It's okay because you are you and you are right here,

Right now,

With whatever's going on within you,

In your heart.

It is okay.

Whatever is going on,

It is okay.

Because you are so worthy and you are so lovable.

So lovable.

Tell yourself this again.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

And if you could,

In your imagination,

Zoom out and,

You know,

Like you're on the moon right now and you're looking at this beautiful earth and then you see every being there lighting up like little,

Little lights,

Little stars across the whole planet.

And you were just wishing all these beings happiness and healthiness and safeness and easiness in life.

It feels kind of good to be here.

And while you're looking at all those people,

With some of them you have a relationship and with most of them you don't,

Besides the fact that you share your beingness and we're pretty together in being here on this beautiful planet.

That while facing all these people,

You extend yourself,

These wishes first.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease.

And maybe right now there's another wish that you want to grant yourself.

May I be self-gentle.

May I sleep well tonight.

May I love like love is the only power in this world.

May I experience love as the only power in this world.

May I be able to connect in love with whoever I encounter.

May my wishes come true.

May I never judge myself for being vulnerable.

May I always embrace myself when I am emotional.

Will I always be able to soothe myself whenever I need it.

May I be self-gentle as much of the time as I can.

May I forgive myself if I am not.

May I forgive myself if I do things wrong.

May I be self-gentle.

May I be self-gentle.

May I be self-gentle.

May I love my loved ones and still be self-gentle.

May I take care of my boundaries while still loving everyone.

May I find the right voice to tell others what it is that I need while acknowledging that they have their own needs.

May I be connected.

May I love.

May I feel every moment and every day that I am so worthy,

So lovable.

May I be able to let my loved ones experience every moment that I love them.

That I've just love for them even though if I'm taking care of myself.

Even though if I am acknowledging my needs that they will know that they are loved by me.

Even if they don't understand.

Even if they protest.

I love them.

May I always be able to love.

May I be happy.

May I be healthy.

May I be safe.

May I live my life with ease and just sit for a moment with this feeling.

Whatever is going on it's okay.

I hope you're soaring with happiness.

I hope you're soaring with love.

I hope that you feel how big your heart is.

How big your capacity to love is.

And that capacity to love yourself and others is always there.

We sometimes forget it but it's always there.

We have it here in our hearts.

All right.

So keep your eyes still closed.

You can let go of the intention.

If you're lying down and you feel sleepy then you know if you can go to sleep.

But if not,

If you still have some things to do or you want to do some things then just take some time to get back on your body.

Wiggle your fingers.

Wiggle your toes.

Stretch your spine.

And then in your own time gently open your eyes.

Take your time.

You can take one two minutes and then I will spend a few minutes to see if there are any more questions.

Liz is writing peace.

I'm feeling happy and grateful that you have so many people who love you with their heart and soul.

Including George and your grandma.

Also with the love you share with them.

That's beautiful Liz.

You're telling this to peace now.

I see there's someone with the name peace and you're telling them.

Thank you so much.

That's beautiful.

Liz you're always such a shining light here.

I so love that so much.

Thank you for sharing your story here Liz.

That's beautiful.

Oh thank you Ingrid.

I'm so happy that was soothing.

Thank you Monica.

Yes Dora.

Love is the only power there is.

And you my dear Dora.

I know you have a lot of love in you.

Don't forget that.

Send it to yourself.

Feel it and we'll be in touch.

Yeah peace I agree.

Liz is a shining light in all of our lives.

Yes.

So loving kindness meditation.

I took a little bit personal turn with it.

Which I really always love to do.

To bring my message across.

If you want to do a really proper loving kindness meditation.

There is one in my tracks.

The free tracks here on Insight Timer.

It's connect to love and compassion.

It's called.

It's about 12 minutes.

It's a really great meditation.

You meditate with loving kindness meditation every day for a month.

You will feel the difference.

If you're intrigued to actually apply it within a course.

To start to deal with challenging behaviors and opinions.

Then you have a premium go ahead.

I would love for you to take this course.

It is.

I think it's now four and a half thousand five thousand people have done it.

And they're really really appreciating it.

They got so much feedback about it.

I'm also studying this type of meditation.

So I can even do more with it.

I would also love for you to check out my other courses.

There's one on self gentleness.

There's one about picking your performance.

About authentic leadership.

If you're Dutch.

There's also one to learn to meditate.

My premium tracks of course.

Oh thank you so much Dora for your donation.

I so appreciate your donations.

If you would like to donate to me.

Then I would like to ask you to not do it right now.

With the button.

Why not.

Because Apple then takes 30 percent.

The rest I will get.

But Apple.

Because Apple says.

Well you're live on an app.

An Apple app.

We will get it.

Unless you have an Android.

Then you can just go ahead and donate.

But if you would like to donate to me.

And not give 30 percent to Apple.

Then after the live.

Go to my profile.

Go to my teacher's page.

And there is also donation button.

This will take you out of the app.

And I will get the whole sum of whatever you donate.

And everything is welcome.

And if you don't have means.

You don't have to donate of course.

Just if you feel like doing it.

I'm just asking you do it like that.

And then you know.

I think Apple is already pretty rich.

But thank you so much Dora for for doing that.

Laura.

Well thank you so much.

That are really kind words.

You found me today.

So I really you know invite me.

Listen to my tracks.

I have a lot of these live lives.

I've all recorded them all.

Well since a year or so.

So you can listen to them.

I would love to be in touch with you.

Come to my meditation group also.

You can also find it in my teachers tap.

Oh Dora you're on Android.

Great.

That's really great.

So Macy was the first time here.

It was amazing.

Thank you so much for being here Macy.

I'm really happy that you liked it.

Thank you so much.

So next time I will be here on the 8th of December.

Where I will be.

We will be preparing for Self Gentle 2024.

I've already planned on the 12th of January.

The first live of 2024.

Which is called the Self Gentleness Journey.

This one is not visible in the app yet.

But it will be in a few days.

Thank you all so much for being here.

I really love meditating with you.

Come to my meditation group here.

And we can connect.

Listen to my work.

Share it with everyone.

And if you like it.

Give me stars.

Review it.

Because the Insight Timer algorithm will then offer my work to more people.

And the more people listen to my work.

The better I will be supported to continue to create all these beautiful things for you.

Thank you so much for being here.

Have a really great weekend.

And I will see you back on the 8th of December.

Bye bye everyone.

Love you so much.

Bye bye.