Healing The Feeling Of Not Being Good Enough

Not good enoughness is maybe the biggest burden that many of us carry in our culture.

Feeling not good enough is a terrible belief that in some fashion most people carry around even unconsciously that we worry about not being enough,

Not being good enough parents,

Not being good enough at our jobs,

Not being beautiful enough or thin enough or educated enough.

So these things always run around in the background of our thoughts even if we are not consciously thinking them or if we are not consciously aware of them.

And this good not good enoughness is very destructive for our emotional well-being.

It leads to anxiety and depression and shame and ultimately isolation because we think we shouldn't go out and present our full selves because the way it is is somehow not good enough.

Much of the origins of this not good enoughness that we are constantly confronted with has to do with the rise of patriarchal values.

Patriarchy tells us that singularity is better than multiplicity.

Being an individual,

Having a small nuclear family is much better than being a part of a community,

Having lots and lots of different people in our lives.

There is that premise or superiority of linear progress versus interconnectedness that we think we start here and our goal is to end there and we climb up the ladder of success and career and education.

And this linear thinking is supposed to bring us success or mental and emotional well-being when most of the time it does not.

It has of course its advantages and all of these things have positive attributes but it is the overemphasis of these values that get us into trouble.

Somebody was using the term the divine mess of entanglement which community can sometimes be not having a lineage of patriarchal fathers and grandfathers but having a root ball of maternal and female connections not only female of course but the root ball meaning it grows out and widens and becomes more and more expansive but also less and less controllable.

Patriarchal values also tell us that things need to be fixed rather than accepted or nurtured.

It's about striving versus a lack of pressure to progress.

It's about doing versus being.

Many people in this group often talk about we are human beings not human doings which is very true.

There is the superiority of competition versus cooperation and often our origin stories tell what kind of mindset we are caught up in.

There are these origin stories that come from ancient peoples where plants and minerals and animals and humans coexist in harmony and create this world together and enjoy the abundance of this world together versus our Judeo-Christian origination story speaks of the being expelled from the garden and having to toil and work hard in order to make a living.

So these things linger in the background when it comes to the idea of what do we deserve,

How is what we do good enough for this world.

There's also an interesting thought that I've recently came across which is that the emphasis on cognitive thought and education can be detrimental to feminine values and of course I want to stress that education has enormous benefits but when it is only about these values it can become detrimental.

So I want to read a little bit from a book I picked up which is called The Goddess Versus the Alphabet and it opens with the sentence of all the sacred cows allowed to roam unimpeded in our culture few are as revered as literacy.

There exists an ample evidence that any society acquiring the written word experiences explosive changes.

These changes can be characterized as progress but one pernicious effect of literacy has gone largely unnoticed which is that writing subliminally fosters a patriarchal outlook and diminishes feminine values and with them women's power in the culture.

It is a holistic simultaneous synthetic and concrete view of the world that is the essential characteristic of a feminine outlook whereas linear sequential reductionist and abstract thinking defines the masculine.

Again none of this is bad but it is out of balance which is why we are in this pickle we're in of constantly feeling not good enough.

So what do we do about that not good enoughness and it comes to the healing or a re-emphasizing of the feminine that we have to heal the mother in order to succeed.

The mother meaning all her forms the earth mother the soil the ground the nurturing forces we have in our lives our literal biological mothers our adopted mothers in forms of aunties and friends and teachers and mentors.

So to reconsider and re-emphasize these relationships it's about emotional healing that we deal with phenomena like the narcissistic mothers which is something that occurs directly in relationship to patriarchal culture.

We have to pay attention to our physical healing to read to revere women's bodies as they are not as they're supposed to be.

It's about returning to the land as an expression of the feminine.

I read this quote somewhere the rise of the city is the death of the mother.

Of course again there's nothing wrong with cities but it can stand for a disconnection from each other a disconnection from the land not knowing where our food comes from not having relationships to nature feeling crowded and an inherent consequence of feeling crowded is aggression.

When we don't have space we get aggressive that's totally normal it happens every day on our roads and streets and highways.

We have to end the violence against the earth which comes parallel to ending the violence against women.

So these are some of the aspects how we can heal from our sense of not being good enough to reintroduce aspects of the feminine meaning aspects of relationship of mutual nurturing and of caretaking.

There's a question about physical healing.

I consider physical healing as an acceptance of our bodies.

So much illness has to do with emotional pressure.

We know that mind and body and spirit are connected so when there is a lot of emotional burdens on our minds and and spirits it does manifest in illness.

Stress is directly linked to things like ulcers and stomach upsets.

Some studies are linking chronic depression,

Chronic depletion,

Chronic overextension to the occurrence of cancer.

There are lots and lots of studies now that link emotional well-being to physical well-being.

So when we stress our physical well-being and I don't only mean food and exercise but also relationship that really brings about physical healing.

Yeah somebody's saying that she's having high stomach acid.

That is an extremely common consequence of stress.

Anxiety will always,

Not always,

But can very directly affect digestive systems.

So acceptance one aspect of course of our good enoughness is the shame and constant criticism of our bodies.

So when I say physical healing it also entails acceptance of our bodies.

Acceptance of what we look like.

Acceptance of getting older.

Acceptance of being less fit and vigorous as we may have been.

And to accept that our bodies will never be perfect and neither is our entire existence.

So let's do a little bit of healing work now that we've pointed out all the things that are wrong with our environment.

I want to offer healing and a way to get out of our constant worry about not being good enough.

So I invite you to let go of all the thoughts and cognitive concepts that I have just introduced and get into a relaxed position.

Close your eyes and begin to breathe deeply.

Notice the thoughts running through your mind and just notice it.

It's just what the mind does.

Slowly come back to your breathing.

Deepen your breath a little more at your own pace without strain and remember that the deeper we breathe the more we trigger the relaxation response of our muscles.

And when the muscles relax the mind relaxes too.

Check in with your body.

How does your body feel right now?

And breathe into any tension or pressure you might feel right now.

And for a moment and a moment only I invite you to think about what might be one aspect that's missing from your life that has to do with mothering and nurturing.

Where or how could more nurturing be introduced into your life?

More support?

More loving attention?

And choose only one aspect and then let it go and return to your breathing.

And I invite you to imagine what an ideal mother figure looks like for you.

How does she feel to be around?

What is her body language?

How does she relate to you?

How do you relate to her?

How does she nurture you?

Pay attention or take care of you?

How does it feel to feel her unconditional love?

How does her body feel when she hugs you and get into a relaxed position?

Close your eyes and begin to breathe deeply.

Notice the thoughts running through your mind.

Just notice it.

It's just what the mind does.

Slowly come back to your breathing.

Deepen your breath a little more at your own pace without strain.

And remember that the deeper we breathe the more we trigger the relaxation response of our muscles.

And when the muscles relax the mind relaxes too.

Check in with your body.

How does your body feel right now?

And breathe into any tension or pressure you might feel right now.

And for a moment and a moment only I invite you to think about what might be one aspect that's missing from your life that has to do with mothering and nurturing.

Where or how could more nurturing be introduced into your life?

More support?

More loving attention?

And choose only one aspect and then let it go and return to your breathing.

And I invite you to imagine what an ideal mother figure looks like for you.

How does she feel to be around?

What is her body language?

How does she relate to you?

How do you relate to her?

How does she nurture you?

Pay attention or take care of you?

How does it feel to feel her unconditional love?

How does her body feel when she hugs you?

And imagine that you're breathing through your heart and that your heart is opening to her mothering and her care.

If any emotions come up simply allow them to move through.

Allow them to emerge and allow them to pass when they're ready.

Really take in and feel surrounded by this nurturing loving energy.

Imagine having two grandmothers and what it would feel like to have two ideal grandmothers nurturing you,

Supporting you.

Imagine having four great-grandmothers and they too have mothers and grandmothers and great-grandmothers.

And all of them together are forming an infinite web of mothering energies.

Each nurturing the other,

Creating an infinite root ball of connections,

Of lifelines,

Nurturing each other.

And all of them,

This infinite number of mothers,

As infinite as the stars in the sky,

They all are nurturing you.

Open your heart to their nurturing and support and really feel this love,

This unconditional acceptance.

Slowly bring your attention back to your breathing,

Come back into your body and into the present moment.

And when you're ready open your eyes.

I invite you to slowly return to your everyday life.

There's no rush.

You can stay there and simply rest,

Take a nap and allow yourself to feel these energies for as long as you can.