Today I would like to offer a topic called mindful intimacy and this applies to really any relationship but we'll be talking specifically about intimate relationships.
This will be a few part series with some very short teachings about how to bring more mindfulness into your intimacy.
Often people I talk with about relationship coaching strategies,
Practical tools for better communication will say things like well that's great but how do I get my partner to listen?
So this is designed a quick couple of minutes you can sit and watch together and hopefully will bring a really easy practical tool into your communication and into your intimate relationship.
The practice of mindfulness is many many things but I like to boil it down to simply the practice of becoming more aware.
Noticing what's happening in the different layers of being.
We have this physical body in which lots of things are happening.
We have an energetic body,
We have an emotional body,
We have a mental body,
And then we have other things on top of that.
Maybe you want to call it a spiritual body or a karmic body or body of bliss or soul body.
We're going to be relating to those first four levels so the physical,
The energy,
The emotion,
And the mind.
Very simply this is a practice of noticing.
So the next time you're going into maybe a challenging conversation with your partner you notice that your emotion starts to rise or you get a little bit triggered you notice that your mind starts to kind of spin on a story especially if that story is about making the other person wrong or making yourself wrong.
Oh he did this thing and now it's so awful and they're gonna hate me.
Step back and do a short practice of noticing.
And for the practice of noticing you can close the eyes or leave them open.
Ideally either closing the eyes or just looking at one place maybe down on the ground so that you're not taking in a lot of extra information so you're noticing what is already there.
And we start with a simple scan through the physical body.
You can notice what are the sensations happening in your feet.
What sensations are happening in your legs,
Your hips,
In your belly,
Along your back,
In the chest and shoulders,
Arms and hands,
And in the neck,
Throat,
And face.
You can give that a name.
You can say right now I'm noticing that I have a little bit of tension in the left side of my neck.
Right now I'm noticing my belly is really contracting.
You can also notice things happening at the level of the emotion.
So when you again either close your eyes or internalize any way that works for you,
Maybe you'll notice that there's some anticipation or some anxiety or some fear,
Some excitement,
Sadness,
Joyfulness,
Whatever that is.
This can really help when you're entering into a conversation with someone recognizing right now I am tired and perhaps my partner says right now I am exuberant and joyful.
So we're already coming into this conversation from a different place and I can notice I might be more sensitive to take things personally.
I just might have less space to receive because I'm already tired or perhaps my partner is kind of in a fast pace right now and so they're gonna want to move through information really quickly and get from one thing to another and I just don't have the space to figure that out.
And the other level that we can be aware of is the mind.
So noticing what your thoughts are.
This is a very powerful practice.
You can do this right now.
What are the things that are swirling around in your mind?
Are you thinking about what you had for lunch or what time you have to pick up the kids or a feeling of disappointment about something and then that's leading you off into a story or a projection about something that you think is going to happen in the future?
Notice the avenues,
The pathways that the mind is going down right now and that can also help you to step back and be aware.
You know I'm going into this conversation that you know I have a fear about talking about our relationship communication styles or I'm really excited to start talking about this vacation that we're taking next year and if I step back and notice what patterns my mind is in,
I might notice I'm already six months ahead and thinking about this or I am so clogged up with my to-do list for work right now but I don't really have the space for this.
So the practice of mindfulness and noticing what exists for you,
It gives you permission to be with what is for you.
So first of all,
Instead of I have to be able to show up to every conversation at a hundred percent,
Maybe I'm at 75%,
Maybe I'm at 25%,
Maybe I notice when I check in that I am full on every level and I really don't have the space for this conversation.
So as a practice,
You sit down with your partner even just when you greet your partner when they come home or when you first get together or before you move into intimacy in the evening or before you get into bed first thing in the morning,
Take three breaths together and then someone volunteers.
Right now I'm noticing the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up and then the next person right now I'm noticing that I'm really hungry and if you realize that there are needs that need to be met,
You know,
I'm really hungry,
We're going into a conversation but if I don't eat I'm gonna start to get irritable.
Let's take care of that need before we go into the conversation.
It really gives you more space to meet each other where you're at,
To allow each other to be where you're at,
Which then brings empathy as well,
The ability to really feel into what the other person is experiencing.
We often don't give people permission to come in to our experience because we don't even know what that experience is.
So three parts of this.
The first is to notice in yourself,
The second is to share and communicate that,
And the third is to just hear the other person.
So when your partner,
Lover,
Spouse says to you right now I'm noticing,
Let go of any desire to fix that and just say thank you,
I see you.
