Forgiveness That Can Lead To Liberation

Good morning.

Hello,

Everyone.

Welcome to the Wake Up Call.

This is Judy Cohen.

This is Wake Up Call 290.

We've been working with sympathetic joy or mudita in Pali,

Being happy for others,

Basically.

And that includes people we love,

Acquaintances,

Also people we don't like or hold a grudge against,

Who or maybe who have hurt us.

And just to say not talking today or yet about those who have caused deep or sustained harm.

Maybe that's for another call.

But someone who rubs us the wrong way or is it kind of a thorn in our side,

That kind of thing.

And after last week's call,

I heard actually from several of you,

Which I love by the way,

About how strange and challenging it is to locate or cultivate happiness for this person who in classical parlance,

Classical mindfulness parlance,

Is called the enemy,

Which is the word I'm going to use today.

And it gets a little edgy to use that word.

But maybe as Roshi Jones says,

And this is my new email signature,

We are in this practice not to hide out,

But to work the edge of our anger and futility,

That edgy place.

And then we can finally get to compassion,

Fierce,

Ruthless compassion is what she says.

And so maybe we can also get to fierce sympathetic joy.

So last week I was asking,

Why be happy for the enemy?

And one reason is the old metaphor about carrying around jealousy or envy or resentment or ill will.

And this is our slide.

It's like carrying around a hot coal in your own hand and expecting your enemy to get burned.

In other words,

Moody child liberates our own hearts.

But mindfulness is only about our own personal liberation in so far as it's also about everyone's liberation and vice versa.

So with sympathetic joy for the enemy,

The enemy might be someone in our family or in our in-group,

But it might also be someone who falls into the enemy category because of how we're socialized in this very racialized late stage capitalist,

Patriarchal,

Xenophobic profession and world.

So we're practicing mudita not only to liberate our own hearts,

But equally to remind ourselves to care about the happiness of others,

Including our enemies,

Which can help liberate,

In my experience,

It can help liberate our relationship with our enemies from any ill will,

At least coming from us.

And maybe possibly provide safety for enemies,

Again,

I'm using this word almost in quotes,

To fully embrace their own joy and success and not feel they need to hide it or worry that they might be shunned or even harmed for expressing or embracing it.

So from my very privileged perspective of being a white,

Highly educated,

Upper middle class woman,

Straight woman,

Cis woman,

Mudita sometimes looks like an offering of safety that could open up the possibility of systemic liberation.

I mean,

What would our profession look like and the world look like if everyone was free to share their success and happiness,

To sing it,

To dance it,

And to know that everyone else would be happy for them?

Right.

But that all begs the question of how,

How to locate or cultivate true mudita,

True happiness,

For an enemy,

Quote unquote.

And I promised last week that today I'd talk a little about one of the hows,

Which is forgiveness.

So forgiveness makes sense to me as one of the hows because it's like opening the door to simple things.

So forgiveness is a very sympathetic joy.

If there's someone I consider my enemy,

It's because they've said or done something or I've said or done something or the profession or culture or systems in which we both live or in which I live has given us or me to understand that we're enemies or should be.

So forgiveness could change that perspective.

Once needed,

Though,

In my experience is a understanding of forgiveness because it's not just the understanding that this enemy has said or done something that I need to forgive.

It's also almost always for me that I've also said or done something that needs forgiveness.

And again,

I'm talking today about the kind of the rock in the shoe enemy,

Not someone who has caused great harm or fundamentally compromised my safety or safety of others.

So sometimes getting to see that I need forgiveness,

Too,

Is really hard for me.

Like first,

I have to loosen my blame,

You know,

That blame that I carry around that I've done something wrong so I don't want to look at it.

And then I have to let go of the shame,

Which also obscures my ability to look at my contribution to the situation.

And then I need to not judge myself.

So I need those steps.

And then I can get to the part where I start to forgive myself.

Because there are three parts to a wide and full forgiveness practice.

And just like with the Brahma Viharas of loving kindness and compassion,

Where we start with ourselves,

May I be happy,

Or this is a difficult moment for me.

And then we broaden our vision,

Our hearts to others and eventually to everyone.

It's the same in forgiveness practice.

We start by forgiving ourselves.

And interestingly,

The foundation for self-forgiveness is really obvious when you hear it,

But,

And kind of funny,

I think,

It's simply we look and say,

Oh,

I said or I did that thing because in that moment,

That's how much wisdom and compassion I had.

That was where I was at.

So to be honest,

Things really couldn't have been different.

You know,

And I don't know if this will come up for you,

But often what I do is I superimpose what I know now,

My practice,

Whatever wisdom or compassion I've gained in the last 20 or 30 or 10 years or whatever it is since whatever it was that happened on that day in that moment,

Then I need to give myself for.

But you know,

That's magical thinking,

Which is the opposite of mindfulness.

And the truth is that in that moment that I said or did whatever it was,

I had the wisdom that I had then.

You know,

I had the compassion that I had then.

So things couldn't have been other than they were.

And if the same situation were to arise now,

Hopefully I'd say something different or act differently because I have a little more wisdom now.

And that's probably true for all of us.

So that's the whole foundation for self-forgiveness.

And then the second part of forgiveness is to ask for forgiveness from someone else.

And,

You know,

You do that by thinking about some way that you messed up or you hurt someone or you insulted someone or you perpetrated an injustice,

Something you'd like forgiveness for.

It could be the same thing you're forgiving yourself for,

But you want to ask for forgiveness from the person who was impacted.

And you start in the same place by seeing how with the wisdom and compassion you had at the time,

Things couldn't have been different.

And if the situation were to arise now,

Things might very well be different.

And then you ask for forgiveness.

And this can be part of a solitary practice.

And we're going to do that in a minute.

But it also can obviously be a portable practice,

As in you can call up the person or you can write a note and ask for forgiveness.

And just to say,

You know,

You can say you're sorry,

That's part of the process.

But just also remember that asking for forgiveness is kind of the next level.

Right?

And then last,

The third part of forgiveness is forgiving someone else.

And that could be the enemy,

The other.

In the case of working with mudita or sympathetic joy,

This person who is in this enemy category that you're trying to be joyful for,

You can forgive them.

And it's exactly the same thing.

You see how with the wisdom and compassion they had at the time,

They hurt you,

Or chose the path they did,

Or with the conditioning you have,

Or they have,

Or because of the racialized late stage capitalist patriarchal xenophobic society we live in,

Things could not have been different.

And then you just forgive.

And if it's not simple to do that,

Then you shift to self-compassion and remind yourself that forgiveness can be really hard,

But also what a relief to put down that heart,

That hot cold.

So I just want to say one more thing.

As a long-time meditator,

And maybe you have this experience too,

Because even if you've been meditating for a week or a month,

You know,

That's maybe longer than somebody else.

And I tend to hold other people to a pretty high standard and expect them to be fairly awake to what's going on or have the ability to look at what's happening in their own lives without blame,

But with curiosity and understand themselves that they're causing harm.

And I think that actually a lot of people don't yet have that ability,

Although,

You know,

We're all really trying to wake up.

So last night I was talking with my very,

One of my very best friends,

Elisa Gray,

Who's also a co-teacher in our training and a yoga and meditation teacher,

And also a killer probate litigator down in Arizona.

And she was telling me a story about one of her cases,

But she was really talking about her opposing counsel,

Who's an old friend and is starting to feel like an enemy.

And at one point,

Elisa said to me,

Well,

She doesn't have a practice,

Meaning a contemplative practice,

A meditation practice that would enable her,

This opposing counsel,

Friend,

Enemy,

To see that in this case she's causing a lot of harm,

A lot of unnecessary harm.

So just to leave you with this other question of can we forgive people for not being very awake?

You know,

With all the humility that we each have of knowing we're also just doing our best,

Can we forgive our enemies for not being very awake to the harm they're causing?

You know,

Without allowing them to cause us more harm or to cause our clients harm,

You know,

Without abandoning our obligation to be passionate advocates or abandoning our post.

But can we forgive them for not being able to see yet?

You know,

I think that isn't that what Jesus said,

Forgive them for they know not what they do.

Okay,

So let's do a little forgiveness practice.

My talk went a little over so this might be,

It'll be a little shorter practice.

So just taking a posture that is supportive of being quiet and looking inward.

And taking a few breaths,

A few conscious breaths,

Just to settle the body.

Check in and just see how are you doing?

You can ask yourself,

How am I doing right now?

And just no,

No,

No judgment or assessment just to notice how it is for you right in this moment.

Breathing,

Sitting or standing or lying down or walking or driving.

And then think about something that you've done or you've said could be at work,

Could be at home,

Really any part of your life.

And let's work with something small to start and something that you would like to forgive yourself for.

Or if you say,

Oh something I'd like to forgive myself for and then the thought arises,

I don't want to forgive myself.

Just smile at that,

Something that you know you could use a little forgiveness,

Self-forgiveness for.

Just call that out.

And take a look at whatever it is,

Whatever you said,

Whatever you did.

And see how in the flash of the moment that you said it or did it,

It was really all that you could have done.

What you knew in that moment,

What you had in your heart in that moment,

That was all you could have said or done.

And if you notice yourself kind of superimposing,

Yeah but now I see I could have let that go.

And just see how there is space for forgiveness,

How in the moment that you said or did,

Whatever it was,

Oh that was what I had right then.

And then just say to yourself silently,

I forgive myself.

And then think about something,

It could be the same thing,

That you said or did and maybe it impacted someone else.

Usually when I'm thinking about something I want to forgive myself for,

It's something that impacted someone else and I feel really badly about that.

So it could be the same thing,

Could be something different.

Up to you.

And again,

Frame it in the context of the moment when you said it or did it.

And in that frame,

See that that was the only thing that could have happened.

Even though looking at it from this moment,

From the perspective of this moment,

Which you might have said or done something differently,

You probably would have.

But that wisdom wasn't present in that flash of a moment or the compassion that you have now for yourself or for the other person wasn't present in that flash of a moment.

And so can you ask silently forward forgiveness from the person you impacted,

You hurt?

And if so,

Then first do that silently as if they were right next to you or right in front of you.

Will you forgive me?

And then take this piece as a little inquiry to kind of savor for today and see whether or not it wants to be something that you want to actually take to the person.

Sometimes that's appropriate,

Sometimes not.

And you'll know.

And then the last piece is forgiving someone else.

And since we've been talking about mudita for the enemy,

Is there someone who has hurt you,

Has done something that has caused you pain,

Really the rock in the shoe person,

Something small?

Let's work with that and think about that person and see how it's the same.

That with the wisdom and compassion that person had at the time that they said or did whatever they did,

Things couldn't have been different.

They just couldn't have been.

And say to that person silently,

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

And if that person silently,

I forgive you.

And if that just isn't coming to mind or coming to your heart,

That's okay.

Just put your hand on your heart and tap a little bit and remember that forgiveness work is hard work.

It's rewarding,

But it's hard work.

And that's okay.

Come back to it another time.

Thank you,

Everyone,

For joining me on the wakeup call.

It's lovely to see you all.

Have a good Thursday,

Safe Thursday and weekend.

And I'll see you all next Thursday.