You Don't Always Want What You Want

Hi everyone,

It's Judy Cohen and this is Wake Up Call 407.

We've been exploring the teaching with contact as condition,

Feeling comes to be,

With feeling as condition,

Craving comes to be,

With craving as condition,

Clinging comes to be,

And I thought it'd be a good idea to take a step back and and recollect the context of the teaching.

So I think I said this a couple of Wake Up Calls ago.

This is a teaching that's considered a set of links that explains how we create pain and suffering for ourselves.

And it's a little technical,

But we've done the technical stuff.

I'll say it again in a minute very succinctly.

Bottom line is,

You know,

It's a teaching that can help us to see how we create stress and difficulty when we grasp for things we think will make us happy and then cling to them as if they will.

And it's a teaching that helps us to see how all that grasping and clinging in fact does the opposite,

Makes us even more stressed because those things can't make us happy.

They're too ephemeral.

Even our sense of self is ephemeral since we're only here for a minute.

So that also can't make us happy.

And I mean,

It's reasonable to ask,

Well,

How is this the good news?

And it's the good news because it points us back to the here and now,

To this moment.

And however difficult this moment may be,

When we can be there for it and appreciate it,

It's pretty wonderful.

It's a refuge in a way that the things that we grasp for and cling to,

They can never be that kind of a refuge.

So back to unpacking how this works,

How we get ourselves into so much trouble,

So much pain and suffering.

Here's the teaching again.

With contact as condition,

Feeling comes to be.

With feeling as condition,

Craving comes to be.

With craving as condition,

Clinging comes to be.

And to review,

Condition is whatever is happening in the moment and everything coming together in that moment.

Contact is our eyes,

Ears,

Mouths,

Nose,

Skin,

Nerves,

Minds connecting with the things they connect with.

And contact as condition means when contact happens.

And since those eyes,

Ears,

Mouth,

Nose,

Skin,

Nerves,

Minds are always connecting with something,

The teaching points to the fact that contact is always happening.

All right,

So next.

With contact as condition,

Feeling comes to be is saying,

Not only is contact happening all day long,

But each moment of contact has a feeling,

A tone,

A valence.

And it's very simple.

It's either pleasant or it's unpleasant.

Or it's neither.

So we're making contact and instantaneously what arises is,

I like that,

I don't like that,

Or I don't care.

Okay,

So here's our,

Here is what's next,

Which is grasping.

And last time I talked about this a little bit,

And I talked about it in terms of cookies,

The chocolate chip cookie kind of cookies.

How without my noticing,

At least in the beginning,

I had a thought about a cookie,

Or in technical terms,

My mind contacted the thought cookie.

And if I looked,

When I finally looked,

I could see that that contact was pleasant.

And the question is how?

And it was pleasant.

I could see that it was pleasant because I was up from my chair and into the kitchen getting three cookies before I knew it.

And it wasn't because of the thought.

And it wasn't because of the chocolate chip cookie.

It was because the contact of the mind with the thought cookie was pleasant.

Right?

And the other example that I talked about was how I get an email from somebody that I find difficult.

So eyes seeing email,

And I don't like it,

So contact feels unpleasant.

And the way I know it's unpleasant is that before I know it,

I've wasted half an hour or I've wasted two or three hours writing my very eloquent and also snarky reply,

Which I wouldn't do if the contact were pleasant or if it were neutral.

So can you see how I'm working backwards here?

And for me,

That's helpful because trying to work forwards can feel harder.

And so all of this is happening all the time.

And it's happening so fast.

So it takes time,

Or it took me a long time anyway,

To start to see it.

And I'm guessing,

You know,

It'll take a lifetime or more than many more than one lifetime to catch myself as it's happening each time.

But I can see it a lot of the time now looking back.

And I think that's helpful.

So so maybe see if that helps you.

All right,

So all of this points to the next phrase,

With feeling as condition,

Craving comes to be.

Craving.

That that craving in Pali,

The word is tanha.

And another translation for craving is actually thirst,

Right?

And this this sense,

You can hear it in the word,

It's almost onomatopoeic.

It has three forms in the teachings.

First,

Craving is a kind of wanting or thirsting for something that we hear or see or taste or smell or touch or think about or care about.

And that's pleasant.

So Philip Moffitt says it this,

He's an insight meditation teacher,

And I like the way he says it.

He says,

Craving for certain food tastes or for pleasing sounds or for silence.

Craving for sexual,

Affectionate or comforting touch or simple physical comfort in the body.

Craving for attractive,

Pleasant,

Comforting,

Inspiring sights,

As well as for pleasant,

Refreshing smells.

And finally,

Craving for thoughts that are confirming,

Useful,

Stimulating and reassuring.

Right.

And for us lawyers,

I would also add craving the wins,

Right?

Craving that sense of winning.

So it's reasonably easy to see this kind of craving and how it creates suffering.

You know,

We want more and more.

We think we'd be happier if we get it.

We aren't permanently happy.

So we go back for more.

The happiness slips because happiness,

Like everything else,

Isn't permanent.

And nothing we do to surround ourselves with pleasant experiences will change that.

And if we don't see what's going on,

We can spend a lot of time feeling really badly about not getting what we want or all of what we want and thinking that that's why we're not perpetually happy.

Instead of remembering that happiness is just one way of being and that it's always coming and going.

It's what's called conditional.

And the second type of craving is the craving to be or become.

And it can look like wanting to have more status or money or beauty or youth or power or influence or even just visibility.

I mean,

I remember just wanting to be seen as smart and capable and I was a baby lawyer,

Even though there wasn't really much to see.

And it can take the form of wanting to be a better lawyer or teacher or parent or partner.

It can take the form of wanting to be more generous or kind or a quantumist.

Or it can even take the form of wanting to be a better meditator.

Right?

And I think for us,

It can take that peculiar form of wanting to be right and perfect all the time.

And while some of these are wholesome cravings,

You know,

You can see that,

Like wanting to be a better lawyer or teacher or parent or partner,

Even with those,

If we forget that attaining them won't bring us lasting happiness,

But only fleeting happiness,

We're at risk for creating a lot of suffering for ourselves by again,

Grasping more and more and watching whatever ephemeral happiness we get from these ways of being and becoming slip through our fingers as it does.

Right.

So second type of craving is being or becoming.

Third type of craving is the craving to not become.

Right?

So I want to not be a lawyer because I want to not feel so stressed.

I want impatience and insecurity and fear to not be part of my experience.

And this type of craving to not become at its extreme is someone who can't go on living because they can't stand pain of life,

Or they misunderstand the pain of life.

And unfortunately,

That's something that comes up all too often in our profession.

Okay,

So to run through this personally,

And just very briefly,

I want more insight.

I want more income.

I want to become a better teacher,

Mom,

Partner,

Meditator.

I want more fitness,

More flexibility.

I don't want my impatience.

I don't want my overwhelm.

I don't want my love handles.

Right?

It's not the contact.

It's not the feeling.

It's where those lead.

It's that next step,

The tanha,

The thirst,

The grasping to have more,

Be better,

Hold on to those forever.

That's where the suffering happens.

And when I can see this,

Even a little,

It just changes my point of view.

Right?

It brings me so much more peace.

So I'll leave you with that saying I've mentioned many times on the wake up call from the great Thai forest master Ajahn Chah,

Let go a little,

And this is what he's talking about,

Of grasping,

There's a little peace,

Let go a lot of grasping,

There's a lot of peace,

Let go completely,

There's complete peace.

Okay,

So let's sit.

Finding a posture that supports your practice,

That is both upright and also relaxed,

Taking a few breaths to center yourself,

Calm the mind,

Calm the body,

Or if that's not what's happening in the mind or the body,

Just to see what is happening.

Make your peace with it for this moment.

Letting go of the words,

Choosing your,

Your anchor,

Your,

Your refuge.

Is it the breath,

The body,

The sound in your environment?

Inviting the attention to that,

That refuge,

The breath,

The body,

Sound,

And resting,

And noticing if this quality of grasping is present even in meditation.

I know for me it is quite a lot of inviting the mind to the object or the refuge.

For me,

Usually the breath,

And then that's very pleasant.

And then wanting it to stay that way.

And then noticing the mind wanders and then wanting it to come back,

Wanting it to stay in that peaceful,

Steady way of being,

Even though it's wandering off and coming back,

Wandering off and coming back.

So just noticing if,

If the object lesson of this bigger teaching is right here for you.

And if you do notice it,

Be sure to see it with some amusement,

Right?

This is,

This is the way it is.

And then seeing if you can let go a little bit of that grasping and just notice the pleasantness,

Break the link a little bit,

And just enjoying the,

The peace of each moment,

Whatever is there.

Thank you everyone for being on the wake up call today.

It's really nice to see you.

Take good care.

Be safe out there.

I'll see you next week.