Transmitting vs. Inviting - Episode 4

Welcome to Life at Altitude with Kyle Mercer,

A podcast about upgrading the way we participate in life through changing our behaviors and raising our consciousness.

Hi there.

This is Kyle Mercer again with another podcast.

I'm here with Christian and he's actually my audio engineer and this is our first test of a Skype but we wanted to have a conversation anyway and to share it with you,

Our first conversation on Skype.

So and again,

We're doing this to open up the possibility that I could interact with all of you out there.

So as we're testing the system and creating this first Skype podcast,

I want to again open up the invitation if you're interested in speaking with me in this way and recording a session.

It could be working with some personal issue you have and working through it or even speaking philosophically.

It would be quite open.

So go ahead and email us if you're interested in doing that and then we're going to start this conversation with Christian.

Hey Christian.

All right,

So in your previous podcast,

I've heard you talk a lot about altitudes.

Could you explain how our altitudes relate to the altitudes of those around us?

Well,

It's a great question because it is constantly a dance and a matter of fact,

I was talking about that course and being able to recognize other people's altitudes.

So and we do want to be able to meet somebody at the level of altitude they're participating with us.

So the first level is where pain comes in and I call it needs if somebody is coming with need.

You can usually tell that because somebody says,

I need in kind of a hurting way.

What they really mean is that they are experiencing some lack and they want you to feel it.

So basically,

They want you to come into this space and give them what they need.

It's kind of a one way street.

Yeah,

That makes sense.

Solve my problem.

Help me with my problem.

So you help them with their altitude.

That's right.

Basically when we're at a level of need,

I mean it could be if we talked about physically,

If I was having a heart attack,

I hope we'd stop the podcast and you'd call an ambulance because I'd be in the level of need.

But I could be in the level of need and anger or fear or hurt or all sorts of things.

Physically and emotionally.

Physically,

Emotionally,

Exactly.

So in inquiry method,

What we want to do is not really have to give part of ourselves to solve somebody else's need.

We want to become a resource for them.

So in essence,

What you're saying is we don't want to lower our altitudes to allow someone else to go higher with theirs.

That sounds great.

I really love that way you're putting it.

I haven't put it that way,

But it's good language.

And this is where inquiry method comes in so valuable is if you see somebody that's hurting,

You can say,

How are you feeling or what's going on or what's bothering you.

But a lot of us need to jerk in to just fixing somebody else or rescuing somebody else or saving somebody else.

Then they become dependent on us.

Does that make sense?

Yeah,

That makes a lot of sense.

So when we don't buy into that we're going to solve their problem,

We can create a context where they can solve their own.

So we're kind of like the catalyst that allows them to solve their own problem.

That's right.

Especially when we can hold that altitude.

Exactly.

Yeah.

I love your understanding.

You're so quick at this.

And that's what I do all the time when I'm coaching people is they come to me like in pain or suffering.

Then I start asking them questions even like where do you feel it in your body or when did you first experience that,

What's behind that.

And so they start to actually start to get a little altitude so that they're seeing themselves outside of themselves,

Getting a little more objective about it.

But they're watching themselves explain something that happened to themselves.

That's right.

They're seeing it for themselves.

Yeah.

Does that make sense?

That's right.

And then I might ask them,

Is that something you could let go of or is that what would you need to do to get out of your pain or out of your suffering or to let go of the anger?

And they might say nothing.

I'd say,

Okay,

I really understand.

Which means they're stuck with it.

Yeah.

You're not sacrificing yourself but you're helping them at the same time.

I'm giving them the invitation to see it.

You know,

Even from,

And it's not that I'm transmitting my altitude,

I'm actually just inviting them to step into altitude to look at it with me.

Inviting them to step up to like how you see it but with their own altitude.

But we have to be careful not to apply our view of it.

This is where it gets tricky.

We don't want to apply our view because then it's just projecting ourselves onto it.

That's true.

We want them to be able to reach the altitude with your help but through their own mediums.

That's right.

And then we want to be holding the altitude of just curiosity,

Not like we know but that we're curious that we don't know.

And this is the power of inquiry method.

I don't know.

You don't know.

Let's explore it together.

What's causing your pain or what's behind it?

So it's definitely helpful to have that other person exploring this pain with you.

Kind of like having a friend,

You know?

Oh,

It's a beautiful way to put it.

Yeah,

A grounded guide to this territory.

Exactly.

Let's explore it.

So that's really a beautiful way to not get what I call entangled with some of your suffering is just to be curious and asking them questions.

As soon as we start giving advice,

Now we start to get tied in to what's going on.

We want them to be the source of their own solutions so we ask them what are their options or what are their choices.

So basically what I guess your role in this would be to not maybe give statements but more ask questions like guiding questions.

Exactly.

But not even guiding questions because that gets tricky.

Yeah,

You're right.

Because as soon as I start guiding,

It's really open questions,

Questions that I'm coming from a place of not knowing,

Not from a place of knowing.

So I'd say what are your options?

I wouldn't say well your options are these three,

Which one do you want to take?

I'd say what are your options?

Yeah,

You ask them that.

What are your choices?

What are your options?

What are your options themselves?

That's right.

And we don't really know what their options are either.

So we're just,

We're a blank slate to be curious with them.

So it's better when you don't know because then you're like also exploring this at the same time as they are.

That's right.

You know we're hand in hand in this.

It's like oh.

And what,

You know,

Somebody says oh I'm so mad at them.

And you say well I'll give you,

This guy's a funny example that might help,

Is I was talking,

A woman called me up and she said,

First thing she said my husband's having an affair.

Oh.

Yeah,

Exactly.

And we all have our own reaction to it.

We say wow,

That must be really painful.

You know we interpret it.

But what I said is what bothers you about that?

Instead of knowing what would bother me.

But you don't know exactly what bothers her.

It could be different than what bothers you about it.

That's right.

So what she said is I had a chance to have an affair five years ago and I didn't do it.

Yeah.

That was definitely something that would be different than would be bothering me.

That's right.

Exactly.

Exactly.

So it's so great when we're in inquiry.

We don't make those assumptions and we let people come to their own conclusions.

That makes a lot of sense.

Well this is great.

I hope this has been helpful.

You know what I can imagine is you going out and practicing it with your friends and just you know when your friend come forward with a problem or a struggle is to get out of what you know or think about it and just really ask them and be really inquiring to.

.

.

Yeah.

I'll be ready to not make any of my own assumptions and just going through it with them hand in hand.

We'll explore together.

That's beautiful.

And what's neat is that even deepens the connection with somebody else because they really feel heard and seen and known.

It creates a better relationship.

Well you're really good at this.

This is a wonderful conversation.

I really thank you for your presence and your openness.

Of course.

Thank you for all of your helpful information.

You're welcome.

So this is a completion of another podcast and once again as I always say I invite you to share this with other people you think might find this valuable and let us know your comments and if you'd like to show up on the podcast and have a dialogue please let us know and look forward to talking with you all.

Have a great evening.

Good night.

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Once again this is Life at Altitude with Kyle Mercer inviting you to enlighten itself.