So I wanted to share a time of when I had a great spiritual awakening and connection with spirit.
This was a time when I had left my husband and we were kind of in the middle of a separation.
We had decided to move to Asheville to try and start a new life and work on our problems,
But it was really that I just wanted to be there.
And he did not.
Anyway,
It ended up that I was living on this ashram by myself without him,
And he was still back in Florida trying to work and find jobs.
We finally at some point decided that we wanted to get a divorce,
And so I was going through that grieving process.
And I laid there in bed one day just grieving,
And I just decided that I was not going to get out of bed until I figured out how I ended up here,
Because I did not want to have to deal with this kind of pain and suffering again.
I was going through my own kind of dark night of the soul journey at the time.
So I found myself just kind of laying in bed in my little apartment on the ashram,
Just crying and grieving for like a day and a half.
I didn't even get up to eat or get a drink of water.
I was just sinking deeper,
Deeper down into a pit of despair.
And I laid there just grieving.
You know,
I was just kind of resistant to going forward anywhere in life until I figured this out.
I just refused to get out of bed.
And then I got into such a place of deep despair and crying and heaving and just kind of getting into a lucid state because I hadn't moved out of bed and haven't eaten anything and was just completely grief stricken.
I asked myself,
How did I end up here?
How am I going to move forward being a divorcee?
It was too much to bear.
I had just left and sold my home,
Left all of my friends and family and everything that I knew in my life before that defined who I was and my happiness.
Again,
I was living on an ashram and the people there weren't super social.
It was mostly monks and nuns that were called dadas and didis.
And we only got together once a week for Dharma chakra and kirtan.
I didn't really even have so much as someone to go have tea with and talk about what I was feeling.
And so I laid there and grieved for a long time.
And I found myself slipping into a darkness.
I felt myself losing my grip on myself,
On my being,
On my body.
And at first I was scared.
But then I didn't care.
I surrendered to it.
I thought,
If I die here right now,
Then so be it.
But I can't keep going forward like this.
So the more I let go,
The deeper down I went into this dark pit of despair.
And then I realized that somehow I had defined my happiness by who I was with,
Who my friends were,
Who was around me.
But I wasn't defining my happiness by who I was.
I was basing my happiness on things outside of me.
It seemed as though my whole persona was made up by who I was with instead of who I knew that I was.
And that felt like the most embarrassing realization that I couldn't even get up and look myself in the mirror.
And that felt like a death.
I grieved that realization of shame and losing a sense of myself and who I didn't even know who I was without all these people.
And deeper down into the pit of despair,
I went.
And then at one point,
I felt as if I was dreaming.
And I saw myself standing in my living room and looking out the window in a half-lucid state.
And I noticed a bird sitting out on the branch.
I looked at it and just studied its really long red tail.
And I thought,
Hmm,
That looks like a phoenix.
And as soon as I said that,
I snapped back into my body and I felt as though every cell in my body was on fire.
Every cell in my body was vibrating so furiously that the friction was going to make my head explode from the intensity.
I could hear the sound of the vibration in my body that was so loud.
I had to open my mouth to let the sound out or my head would surely pop.
I let out a scream and a cry and began to feel like part of my soul was being ripped out of my body.
I felt a black elastic skin being ripped from my body as if my own skin were being ripped off.
It was pretty painful.
I fought it,
I screamed,
I cried,
I resisted.
And then it snapped free.
And as soon as I let it go,
I saw a beautiful red phoenix come into my view and carry away this blackness of my soul.
And I sat up and felt like I needed to cough.
And when I sat up,
I looked down at my hands and it was like I never have seen them before.
During that breaking free,
That black skin that broke,
I had left my body and come back a new person.
It was as if I was reborn again through the phoenix.
I looked amazingly at my hands as a newborn child looks at their hands for the first time just amazed and in awe that this is my hand and I had never seen it before.
And then I looked at my bedspread and the textures and the shapes of everything was just amazing.
The patterns were like I'd never seen such beauty before.
And I looked up out my bedroom window and there was a cow standing there at the field next to our house.
It was really beautiful outside.
So I decided to go out and look at the cow.
And I just felt what a beautiful day it was outside.
And the grass and the trees and the sun were all new to me.
And I was amazed at all the beauty around me.
So I hopped on my bike and went down River Road riding my bike and I couldn't get more than 10 feet before I had to jump off my bike and look at something.
I turned over every rock,
Leaf,
Climbed every tree,
Tracked through waterfalls,
Climbing,
And just uncovering and discovering everything.
As if I were five years old again,
I found myself sitting on a log on the river and I started to notice the shape and the texture of the green moss that was growing on the log.
I looked down on it and began to pet the moss and really feel the connection and aliveness there.
I looked out at the river and felt the pulsation of the flow of the river and all the life that depended on and lived in that river.
And I looked around and thought,
How did I forget all of this?
How did I lose touch and forget that all of this was here for me all this time?
And so I began imitating the flow of the river,
Standing on my feet and pulsing and swaying with its flow and its rhythm.
I looked up at the trees next to me and began to shape my arms and my body into the position of the branches and the way that they were swaying in the wind and the gentle breeze around me.
I let my toes connect with their roots underneath my feet.
And then I began to notice the rock that was next to where I was sitting.
And I curled my body into the shape of the rock.
I began to imitate and connect with everything around me,
Feeling it as an extension of my own body.
And I thought to myself,
If I had known this as a child,
If I had known that everything I was looking for,
Whether it be connection,
Embrace,
Support,
Flow,
Or just a simple listening ear or a reflection of beauty,
My life would have been so different.
My relationships would have been so different.
And then about a week or so later,
I decided to draw some of the poses and write down some of the words that I was hearing during that time of playing with Gaia,
With Mother Nature.
As I was sitting on the rock on the river,
I felt a voice come up inside me.
Feel me in the rock,
Quiet and still,
How I hold you,
Ground you with solid will.
And from that day forward,
I began the creation of my children's book,
Playing with Gaia.
And since then,
I always remember to look to nature for answers when I feel stuck,
When I feel lost,
Because nature is always there when I need a listening ear,
Support,
Grounding and stillness,
But also playfulness,
Warmth and embrace.
And so I encourage you that when you feel there's something you're lacking in your life,
That you're looking for in a relationship or job or situation,
Just go sit in nature and receive that love,
Attention,
Embrace,
Listening ear and friend to support you and to play with,
Because it's always there.
Ooh
