5 Ways Narcissists Win & The Power Of Letting Go

So today,

We're going to be talking about five ways narcissists win when you don't let go.

So when we're talking about narcissism,

It's really,

Really important that we all wrap our mind around this idea that narcissism refers to a pervasive pattern in someone's life.

So this is a thread that runs through someone's life.

In other words,

You can have a bad day.

You could be passive aggressive.

You could lie to someone.

You could react in anger to someone.

You could withhold information at one point.

None of these things are very healthy to do.

They actually are not helpful when it comes to wanting to get along with people,

Wanting to communicate fairly,

And wanting to live an authentic life.

But we're all human.

We all have an ego.

We can all be triggered.

And depending on what you've experienced in your childhood regarding trauma is really going to come into play when we're talking about how you might respond to an external trigger.

But those of us who have the ability to feel remorse,

Those of us who have the ability to feel guilty,

Those of us who are self-reflective,

Those of us who have the ability to change and want to change,

Those of us who have the ability to take accountability,

Even if it takes us a little while,

I shouldn't have said that.

I shouldn't have done that.

I better go offer them an apology.

If you have the ability to do that,

Then you are in the healthier end of the pool.

There are people who lack empathy.

They're empathy impaired.

So rather than have true empathy for other people,

Which means that we have the ability to think about how someone feels and how they might be feeling,

As well as feel what other people feel,

As well as act on the empathy that we experience.

Maybe there's been a death in our friend's family,

And we have empathy for the loss that they've experienced.

And maybe we make them a tray of lasagna and we drop it off.

So we actually act on that empathy.

We put our money where our mouth is.

There are people on the planet who don't have this level of empathy,

Where they lack the ability to feel what other people feel.

They don't care what other people feel.

There's like nobody home.

And they walk planet Earth,

And we can fall in love with these people.

Because when we first meet someone who is narcissistic,

We don't know that we're dealing with someone who is manipulative,

Who is agenda it is to garner a sense of narcissistic supply.

What is narcissistic supply?

It's attention.

It's affirmation.

It's praise.

It's validation.

It's agreeing that the person is,

In fact,

A victim of someone else's,

Someone else.

In other words,

If you're in love with a vulnerable,

Covert narcissist,

This is someone who may have a very difficult time keeping a job.

And it's always someone else's fault for why they can't keep the job.

But there's this pattern of job hopping,

And it's always someone else's fault.

And you can't talk to this person about their personality traits or their level of paranoia or them pretending to have skills that they really don't have.

You can't talk to them about it because they will see your confrontation as a threat or you are just a conversation about it as a threat.

And you will be discarded or you will be insulted or you will be stonewalled for daring to suggest that,

Well,

Maybe we need to look at this.

There seems to be a pattern here.

They don't want to hear it.

So there is a true lack of personal self-awareness,

Even though they could be saying,

I'm self-aware.

I have so much self-awareness.

But when you objectively,

When you pull out and you look at this person's life,

You start to notice that,

I don't know if they're that self-aware because this continues to happen.

And so this is someone who will perpetually play the victim.

It's always someone else's fault.

And even if they start to say,

Yeah,

I know.

I had a part in that.

What you notice is they don't change that behavior.

They will boomerang back to that behavior.

So when we're talking about narcissists and narcissism,

We're talking about a pervasive pattern.

We're talking about someone who,

Like I said,

The three E's are lack empathy.

They feel entitled to exploit the emotions of other people.

And they feel entitled to exploit you financially,

Spiritually,

Physically,

Mentally,

Emotionally,

You name it.

Right?

So this is someone who is consistently like this.

This isn't someone who's just had a bad day.

So I think it's important to make that distinction because far too often,

I think we are using the word narcissist to label people who just say no or label people who have healthy boundaries.

Right?

I recently had a conversation with someone and I was trying to be as objective as possible.

I love this person.

And I'm just listening to this person talk about this other person.

And to me,

It just sounded like the other person was setting a healthy boundary.

And the word was,

No,

I don't think I'm going to do that.

And it was taken as if this person was the worst person in the world for saying no and really not doing what person A wanted them to do.

I don't think exerting healthy boundaries is narcissistic in a bad way.

I think it represents healthy narcissism.

Like I matter and you do matter.

And in relationships,

If they're going to be healthy,

Then they have to be reciprocal and it can't feed the needs of one person all the time.

So I think we have to be careful when we are in the age that we're living in because I feel like we've come from an age of where there was nothing but community where people really needed one another,

Especially when they're migrating,

Especially in the States and people are migrating to the States early on in the 1600s,

1700s,

1800s where communities needed one another.

And we're in an age where it's all about me.

Look at me on Instagram and look at me on Facebook.

This is what I think.

And this is my political opinion of blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

So we've gone from community mindset to self mindset.

And I think that is one of the reasons narcissism is on the rise.

And so we're moving away from the sense of community,

Which I think I'm hoping that we find some balance somewhere.

I'm hoping that we end up at a place where we all really still love one another and need one another and find value in one another.

However,

The reality is just like you probably wouldn't go swimming in the ocean with hungry sharks and there is value in identifying,

Wow,

That's a shark.

And that's an alligator.

Like,

I don't think I'm jumping in that river right now or that lake or that body of water.

There's some alligators and there's some sharks in there.

There's value in understanding the danger of swimming with sharks.

And so that's why I think there's value in learning about narcissistic traits.

There's value in learning about codependency.

We see it in nature.

When we see a rabbit in a field,

The rabbit will freeze or scurry under a bush when it senses a hawk is looming up above.

So the rabbit knows,

Uh-oh,

I'm vulnerable.

I have some traits that make me pray.

But the rabbit doesn't argue itself.

The rabbit doesn't say,

I'm going to stand out here and defy that hawk.

The rabbit says,

No,

I'm vulnerable in this situation.

And so if you come from a dysfunctional home,

Let's say,

If you struggle with codependency,

You are vulnerable.

Why?

Because it's going to be difficult for you to trust your gut instincts.

And when you're dealing with a narcissist,

You have to learn to trust your gut instincts.

You have to be able to hold onto yourself.

If you come from a dysfunctional home where you were taught that your feelings were irrelevant,

As an adult,

You might,

Well,

You definitely will be disowning what you feel.

You don't know how to accept what you feel,

Feel what you feel,

And decide what to do about how you feel.

You don't understand that whole process.

It's what I call the one,

Two,

Three process,

And I teach it in my 12-week breakthrough coaching program.

And it's important that we recognize what traits are about me that make me more vulnerable to being abused mentally and emotionally,

Is psychologically manipulated by a predator-type personality,

Someone who is a walking shark,

Somebody who is a wolf in sheep's clothing,

And they exist.

I don't think it's healthy to live in a world where we think that bad things don't happen.

That's just a bunch of silliness because they do happen.

This is why we wear seat belts.

This is why we teach our children to look both ways before they cross the street,

Because there are dangers out there in society.

Freak things happen.

It's unfortunate,

But things do happen.

And we do our best,

However,

To arm our children,

For instance,

With information that's going to give them the best chances at living a healthy life.

And that's why I think it would be awesome considering that one of the things that most people end up doing is they find themselves in relationships because it's innate.

We're all driven.

We're social creatures,

Most of us,

Unless there is some anomaly in our brain and we are born psychopaths.

And the rage center lights up,

And the pleasure center lights up in the brain when we're actually hurting someone else,

Which is really scary.

But even psychopaths exist.

Hello,

Ted Bundy,

Jeffrey Dahmer.

So these are people that do exist.

Thank goodness they're probably a lot less psychopaths than they are narcissists and predator type personalities that daily we need to really be aware of.

And I'm not saying we live in fear of.

I say we learn to be aware of.

We learn to educate ourselves.

Knowledge is power.

The right knowledge is power.

And if you've got some tools in the tool shed,

That's amazing.

And that's what I like to do.

I like to empower people with the tools.

I don't think we should live in fear of the narcissist down the block or their next door neighbor or our dad or a mom.

I don't think we have to do that.

I think what we have to do is identify what's happening,

Identify the problems,

Identify what tools and resources we need to deal with said problems,

And then to do what we can to move in a direction that is free of this type of drama.

And so what are we going to talk about today?

We're going to talk about the ways that narcissists will actually win when we don't let go.

Why is that important?

Because it's natural to want to push someone back when they push you.

This is a cause and effect universe.

So when someone attacks you,

I mean,

I recently fell for the bait.

I set the law and set the bait and I took the bait.

And it took me a few hours to gain control over myself and gain the awareness to see what happened.

And I understand that this person is actually a teacher for me.

I still have work to do.

Thank goodness there were days where actually events in my life where I would ruminate literally for months,

Like literally months over a conversation or an argument or an idea or situation that happened between me and another person,

Very difficult for me to wrap my mind around what was happening and not understanding the cognitive dissonance aspect of it,

Not understanding the CPTSD aspect of it.

Like when you have a CPTSD brain from childhood,

It's really easy to go down with the amygdala and the hippocampus.

It's really easy to like go into the reptilian brain.

It's really easy to just fall into reptilian thinking and just be very almost on autopilot,

Just reacting to these thoughts,

Losing the ability to use your prefrontal lobe and to develop metacognition,

Which is the ability to think about the way you think.

I remember the first time I had that thought,

It was like that was consciousness expanding within me.

That was growth.

Our bones grow.

Well,

Our minds should grow.

And when our bones grow and our minds don't grow,

We're giant two-year-olds trying to get our knees met from mommy and daddy and blah,

Blah,

Blah.

We transfer.

If we didn't get our knees met by mommy,

Then our seventh grade teacher becomes our mommy.

Then our best friend becomes our mommy.

Then our husbands become our mommies,

All seeking this connection that we never received when we were two.

So our legs grow,

Our bodies grow,

Our arms grow,

Our nails grow,

Our hair grows.

Well,

Our mind is supposed to grow.

And I remember the moment that it hit me that I could think about the way that I think.

I didn't know if I was having a seizure or what.

What was happening?

Literally like explosion in my brain,

An explosion in my mind that,

What am I doing right now?

Whose thoughts are these,

Right?

These aren't my thoughts.

These are my mother's thoughts.

This is what I learned in childhood.

And that's when it hit me.

It's not me.

It's my programming.

And what does that mean?

And how can I gain some mental and emotional and spiritual and physical control over what's happening in my body when I'm triggered?

And so we need to know if we come from a dysfunctional home and we were taught codependency,

We're toning ourselves down.

So we don't set boundaries.

So we don't trust our instincts.

Well,

That makes me highly vulnerable to someone who is narcissistic.

That's not to say that anyone is fair game for a narcissist.

You are.

You are.

Narcissists are incredibly hypervigilant.

I dated a man,

Obviously,

Before I married my husband,

But I dated a man who was the person who taught me the most about narcissism.

And it frightened me.

It was a very short relationship.

Very,

Very short relationship,

But the level of deception just blew my mind.

And it was hard for me to wrap my mind around this idea that I was stalked,

That I was profiled,

That this level of evil existed,

This level of malevolence existed.

And I wasn't the only one.

It really was difficult for me to wrap my mind around what just happened here.

You can meet someone who is narcissistic and they're not very,

Very intelligent.

They're not doing it per se on purpose.

They just are the way they are,

Manipulative by nature.

And then you meet someone who is calculating,

Who is planning these things out,

Planning conversations out,

Planting the seeds deliberately,

Calculating the next move.

That to me really freaked me out.

And dealing with this person over time and coming into the awareness that I was hunted was very,

Very debilitating.

And understanding how I ignored red flags.

And this person one time said to me,

He said,

I can smell vulnerability 10 miles away.

And I was like,

What?

It was in hindsight that I was understanding that was one of his tells.

He was letting me know that he was a predator.

And it may have even derived some type of sick pleasure out of throwing out this hint and having it seem to pass over my head.

So we learn a lot.

And when we learn,

We share.

And I can tell you that going through all the trials and tribulations that I've gone through and sticking with consciousness and sticking with meditation and sticking with this idea that I've come to grow,

I've come to expand,

This is going to teach me something.

Staying on the spiritual path,

Understanding that you can't have light without the darkness.

So it's not about beating out the darkness.

It's about embracing the darkness and figuring out what's looming in the shadows and how can I confront the shadow and merge it with the light that I am so that I am balanced so that if there's a ying and a yang,

There's a harmony within me.

So I'm no longer afraid of the darkness within me or my shadows.

I make peace with them,

Which means we have to make peace with our pain.

And so that's what I'm hoping that people gain from my podcast.

This is what I hope people gain from my online coaching programs.

I hope it's what you gain from my meditations and my videos and my social media work that I put out there and even my books.

Because we have to gain insight.

We need knowledge.

And then on top of it,

We need tools.

And then we need the will.

And then we need belief.

And then we need action.

We need patience.

We need to be willing to fall off the horse and get back on again.

So this is what I'm hoping that you're taking away from these sessions.

Let's talk about the first thing that happens to you,

Or one of the first things that will happen to you,

If you don't let go.

A narcissist is going to drain your battery.

So I created a meme about this,

And I want to share it with you.

So narcissists absolutely require others to leech energy from.

They do this through seeking your attention,

Manipulating your affirmations,

Your praise,

And by starting an argument.

They can do this by stonewalling,

By accusations,

By innuendos,

Or by threatening you in some way.

Your reaction,

Your energetic response,

Feeds their addiction to power.

When you fail to disengage,

They win.

So remember,

Shutty shutty,

When a narcissist is near.

So what does this mean?

So when we're thinking about a narcissist,

Try to think about a narcissist as a tuning fork.

So a narcissist is looking for someone with resonance,

So they need a partner.

So if you are in the vicinity of a narcissist,

Then the narcissist is going to try to resonate with you.

So when you're thinking about a narcissist,

Think about somebody who absolutely cannot survive in the 3D world without a partner.

Someone to leech energy from.

So you are like their battery pack.

They can't live,

And they can't emotionally regulate without someone holding up a mirror.

They're awesome.

They're wonderful.

They're brilliant.

Or if that turns,

And the narcissist feels like you see them for who they are,

And the mask starts to slip,

And you can see it,

And you start to disengage from a narcissist,

Then a narcissist will create chaos in your life.

They will become vindictive.

You will be stalked on Facebook sometimes,

Or Instagram,

Or physically stalked.

They will create a smear campaign about you.

They will triangulate.

Triangulation starts before you even break up with a narcissist,

Because in case someone goes back to figure out what happened between you and the narcissist,

They've already set the stage that they're the victim,

And you're the crazy person.

This is what they do.

I've experienced this.

It's insane,

And it happens.

And so try to remember that if you don't let go,

If you don't disengage,

Especially when you're starting to see the narcissistic traits,

And you're starting to see the pattern,

In time this person will drain you.

You stay in the relationship,

And what will happen is they will create more and more cognitive dissonance in you.

You will distrust yourself.

And the reason this happens,

I think,

Is because they're so convinced that they're right,

And their level of self-confidence throws you off.

Now the average person is self-reflective.

The average person has empathy.

The average person has the ability to think,

Oh,

Maybe I'm wrong.

Did I overreact?

Did I do something wrong here?

And that's what a narcissist will use against you.

The narcissist will use your humanity against you,

Your empathy against you.

So you're standing there talking to someone who is absolutely convinced that they're right,

And it jacks you up mentally.

It's like,

My god,

He or she is so secure and so positive about this point of view,

And maybe they're right.

Maybe I am wrong.

And right there in that space,

That's where the narcissist gets you.

And so they seem so confident.

You naturally self-reflect.

You naturally think,

Maybe I'm wrong.

You want to get along with this person,

And so your natural self-doubt or your ability to be self-reflective gets used against you.

Now,

When that happens,

You're not feeling seen.

You are not being seen.

You are being drained.

Your mental power is being drained.

You're emotionally being drained,

Physically,

Spiritually being drained.

So it's important to recognize that a narcissist wins when you don't let go because they're able to drain your batteries through starting an argument,

Innuendos,

And all that stuff.

Another thing that will happen when you are dealing with a narcissist is that they will absolutely screw with your memories.

So a narcissist always rewrites history to fit their grandiose perception of self or to reinforce the illusion that they are blameless and a victim.

This means that the reality you once shared with the narcissist will be misrepresented time and time again.

And if you're not careful,

You might end up feeling dazed as a result of questioning your recollection.

When a narcissist is near,

Let them ramble.

Don't argue.

Avoid the mental scramble.

So the reason we want to run through these ideas is because this way,

You're armed with some tools.

You're recognizing that when you speak to someone,

You had an experience maybe two years ago and this person,

Your friend,

Your partner,

Whoever,

Mother,

Father,

Is saying,

It never happened that way.

And it doesn't happen once.

It doesn't happen twice.

It continually happens where your perception of reality is completely scrambled.

That's their agenda.

Their agenda is to get you to doubt your perceptions,

Which is like walking on rubber.

Nothing feels safe.

Could you imagine if you woke up and the ground that you walked on was all of a sudden was pliable and was going up?

You'd feel very unbalanced.

You'd feel very frightened.

The walls are going to fall in on you.

This is what happens inside your mind when you can't trust your memories.

And so cognitive dissonance is huge when this happens,

When a narcissist does this to you,

When they screw with your memories.

So if you stay with a narcissist,

If you don't disengage,

You don't stop talking to a narcissist.

You don't put boundaries up.

You don't recognize this as a giant red flag.

What will happen is they will win by getting you to doubt your memories,

Which is like getting you to doubt the very fabric of your mind.

So pay attention to that.

Another thing that a narcissist will do and continue to do,

And another way that you will be drained and they will win is by lying to your face.

So narcissists are notorious for lying.

So they lie on the spot.

So they'll lie over stupid things.

Yeah,

I went to the gym today.

Yeah,

I'm a personal trainer.

Yeah,

No,

You don't.

Stop it.

No,

You don't.

Right?

Or they could set the stage prior.

So they want something.

They know they're able to get it from you.

Maybe they want you to pay their rent.

And so they set the stage,

Oh,

I had an argument with my boss,

And my boss is jealous of me.

And yeah,

I got a bunch of medical bills coming up.

They haven't asked you for any money yet,

But they're setting the stage.

They are screwing up at work.

They are not as skilled as they say they are.

They're getting held accountable at work,

And they're getting pissy.

But now what they do is they have to spin the narrative that the boss is jealous of them,

Or the girl in the office is jealous of them.

That's nothing to do with the fact that they lied on their resume.

And now that they're not producing,

They're getting called out.

No.

Right?

So they know that they're anticipating,

Well,

They're going to need next month's rent.

You are pretty responsible.

You have maybe six months of rent saved up for yourself because you're a responsible person and you're an accountable person.

And so they're setting the stage.

They're setting you up,

Trying to make you feel guilty for them emotionally manipulating you so that you,

By the end of all their stories,

You may even be offering them their rent money.

Right?

So they lie on the spot,

But they also premeditate as well.

And this could be rent money.

This could be anything.

A house.

This could be cheating.

So they set you up and they put you in a position where you're feeling sorry for them.

They may even tell you that they're divorced,

They're not divorced.

And they're lining their ducks up in a row.

They see you at work,

They find you attractive,

They're hitting on you,

They're married,

They're lying to you.

And they're setting the stage,

Oh,

My wife is sick,

She's got cancer,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah.

We agreed to see other people.

I mean,

I've heard it.

I've heard so many things.

I'm sure I haven't heard it all,

But I've heard a lot in my career.

So if you stay with a narcissist,

They win because they're lying to your face.

And when you discover their lies,

You may want to argue with them in the hopes of clarification or even perhaps resolution.

No,

This is not going to happen.

The longer you falsely presume that you can get a narcissist to admit the truth,

The truth that you know is the truth,

The longer you spin your wheels or remain stuck in the narrative of the narcissist.

Narcissists cannot be vulnerable,

Right?

So they lose their sense of balance.

They can't emotionally regulate in that space.

And so they have to protect themselves from feeling vulnerable,

Which means they always have to be right and you always have to be wrong,

Which means the truth is terrifying to them.

And so no matter what the truth is,

It wasn't me.

Wasn't me.

No matter what happened,

It wasn't me.

You catch them red-handed.

No,

It wasn't me.

There's something wrong with you.

That wasn't me in the kitchen.

That was my brother.

You just thought it was me.

See,

You see?

I told you you should get your eyes checked.

You know you wear contact lenses.

You sure you were seeing things clearly.

Maybe you didn't have your contact lenses in,

Right?

So if you stay with the narcissist long enough,

They will continue to lie to you.

They will scramble your brain and they win.

They win because you are becoming their source of narcissistic supply,

Either through gaining affirmation or power and control over you or through being able to lie to you and getting away with it.

So another thing that happens if you stay with the narcissist is that they make you physically ill.

So narcissists gain power by creating negative energy in you.

So negative emotions impact every cell of your body.

Narcissists elicit survival responses in your brain,

Which trigger an onslaught of cortisol,

Which leads to inflammation in your body and constriction in your body,

Right?

The longer you tango with the narcissist,

The more likely it is for you to begin manifesting physical symptoms of their emotional abuse.

So we have a connective fibers,

Right?

Connective tissue in our body,

Which connects our entire body.

And the connective tissue in our body begins to constrict because of what's happening to us mentally and emotionally,

Physically and spiritually.

And when you are in a relationship with the narcissist,

One of the things that you will notice is that your world becomes very,

Very small.

You won't notice it in the beginning because just like that little poor frog that's sitting on the pot of water,

Right?

When you meet a narcissist,

The water isn't boiling.

The narcissist is cool.

Cool is a cool cat,

You know?

Lots of cases.

A narcissist meets you and they're trying to figure out who you are.

They begin to mirror what you're into.

They mirror what you think you like,

Well,

What they think you like.

They're trying to become a version of you.

So they're exploiting the best parts of you.

And when you reveal to them the broken parts of you,

They seem to hold that in the cusp of their hands,

Right?

It doesn't last long.

One of the most important signs that I think that you're dealing with a narcissist is somebody is say this over and over and over because I think it's so important to arm yourself with this tool and this information.

You share something with someone,

Right?

Your worst moment,

You share it with someone thinking that I'm going to share this with you and you're going to share something with me and that's going to help bond us,

Right?

Because now I know you and you know me,

Right?

I didn't tell anybody else this.

I told you this.

You're my person,

Right?

You're the person that I want to feel close to.

And how do I feel close to you?

I get vulnerable and it's vulnerable with you.

And this helps develop intimacy and trust.

But here's the thing.

A narcissist waits for you to tell them things and they stick it in their mental arsenal.

Literally there's a little arsenal in their brain and like when I need that,

I'm going to use that against her.

She gives me a hard time.

She has a fear of abandonment.

Her mother said she was crazy.

Her family turned against her,

Blah,

Blah,

Blah,

Where she came from a world of alcoholism.

So I'm going to call her all sorts of names that are now.

Just wait.

Her boyfriend's cheated on her.

I'm going to use that against her.

Maybe it was you.

Maybe you're paranoid.

Whatever.

They stick in their little arsenal,

Right?

If you're dealing with someone who has high narcissistic traits,

They will use your boo-boos against you.

I have a best friend and one of the things that I absolutely love about our relationship,

Even though we don't see each other that much anymore,

She'll always be my best friend because she is someone who has never judged me,

Not even in my worst moment.

And she knows just about everything there is to know about me and she's never once used it against me ever.

And I think that's a beautiful thing.

This is someone that I can go to and say,

This is not my finest hour.

This is what I did.

This is what I was feeling.

Now that I'm not emotionally drunk and I'm a little bit more sober emotionally,

I can see the error in my ways.

I can see the pattern in my thinking was wrong and I can't believe I said that or I can't believe I did that.

I can go to her with my remorse and it's very well received and I know that she keeps it close to her chest,

Right?

Beautiful thing.

Narcissist will exploit you.

This is the problem though.

When a narcissist hurts you,

Oftentimes you go into a shame spiral,

Right?

You're embarrassed.

You're humiliated,

Right?

You're not thinking,

Oh my God,

This person just took something that I shared with them and used it against me like a Louisville slugger.

You know,

That's not your first thought,

But it should be.

And I remember when that started to change in my life with my first husband because I started to get a hold of what was happening,

The dynamics,

My codependency,

His codependency,

In my opinion,

His high narcissistic traits,

Right,

The withholding,

The stonewalling,

The passive aggressiveness,

The vindictiveness.

I was seeing it,

Right?

The lack of empathy,

The emotional exploitation.

All I was seeing it,

It was like,

Oh my God,

There it is.

And that really helped me put distance between me and what was happening outside of me so I could separate myself a little bit.

But I remember when I started to think about this idea,

Label,

Put labels on the tool or the weapon that he's using.

So sometimes it was guilt.

Sometimes it was shame.

Sometimes it was the silent treatment.

Sometimes it was a dirty look that he would give me.

Sometimes it was just turning his back to me.

Sometimes like I said,

It was his body movements,

Right?

Sometimes it was a threatening look.

Sometimes it was embarrassing me in front of other people.

So I was beginning to,

Sometimes it was financial fear,

Like controlling all the money.

Sometimes it was using all of the things that I told him in my past,

Lovingly sharing them with him and having him use them against me.

And yet I knew things about him that I wouldn't cross that line.

But when I began to see like,

Oh my gosh,

He's crossing the line,

I would never cross.

I don't want to hurt you.

Even though you're hurting me,

I don't want to hurt you.

It hurts me to think about hurting you,

Even though you're hurting me.

If you're that type of a person,

You have to love yourself and you have to put up a line between you and someone else because there are people who will exploit that.

They're going over that line.

And if you don't get a hold of that,

And I'm not saying you go into hurting this person in return,

Which is called reactive abuse,

And I get it,

But I think we should always be shooting for the true goal,

Which is spiritual development,

Spiritual growth,

Mental,

Emotional,

Cognitive growth,

Feeling more secure in our skin,

Finding tools that soothe us rather than irritate us or keep us in a defensive mode or reactive mode.

I don't want that.

I don't want that.

That's not thriving.

That's survival.

That's stuckness.

I don't want stuckness.

I don't want stuckness.

I want to grow.

So I want to be a butterfly.

I want to be able to flitter over here and flitter over there.

So pay attention.

If you are that type of a person where someone is hurting you and they're saying mean things to you and you're recoiling and you won't go there,

You won't push them back,

Understand without pushing them back,

This is abusive and this will go on.

And if you don't develop the ability to say,

Yo,

Whoa,

Wait a minute,

This has got to stop.

Now you can say,

Yo,

Wait,

Whoa,

Whoa,

Whoa,

Wait a minute to someone and that'll actually help someone who's having a bad moment wake up.

They're being triggered.

But when you're dealing with a narcissist,

A true narcissist,

They do not wake up.

They get angry that you're pushing them back and they escalate.

So that's something that you're going to have to navigate.

And that's why I think sessions like this are so valuable in my humble opinion.

This information is life changing.

At least I think it is.

So oh,

Wait a minute,

I just had an argument with this person.

They're really being vindictive.

They're using things that I told them about my past against me and I'm seeing it.

That's narcissistic.

That's abusive.

That's an abuse of love.

That's dehumanizing.

This is not cool with me.

I think I'll set a boundary.

Don't talk to me that way.

I find this to be abusive.

I told you that in confidence and now you're using it against me?

That's not cool.

If that person has redeeming qualities,

They'll wake up.

They'll stop a minute.

It might be hard for them to stop full force,

But it might be enough to wake them up.

They may even say,

You know what,

I'm sorry.

I got to go take a breather.

I'm sorry.

I should have never said that.

Or maybe the next day they'll call you up and say they're sorry.

But if that person levels up and that person keeps going and an apology never comes,

You've got a narcissist on your hands.

So be aware of that and know that the longer you stay with the narcissist and the longer you stay in this situation,

The sicker you will become physically because this type of a relationship is adversarial.

You're forced to go into survival mode and when you're surviving,

You're not thriving.

And so this is really important for you to wrap your mind around.

Another thing that happens if you stay with the narcissist,

The fifth thing that will happen,

There are many things,

But for this session we're focusing on five.

Another thing that will happen along with your life constricting,

Along with not talking to your mom anymore or your dad anymore or your friends,

Feeling like you shouldn't go to that yoga studio because the narcissist is jealous of the yoga instructor and you just don't want to hear it so you don't go there.

Or you don't talk to your kids anymore because the narcissist is jealous of your relationship with your daughter or your son.

So now you distance yourself from your family.

You can't work at the bank you used to work at anymore because the narcissist is jealous of the bank manager.

All of this craziness,

One day you'll sit up in bed and go,

My life has gotten so small.

Aside from all of that,

If you stay with the narcissist long enough,

You will develop tremendous anxiety and depression along with being physically ill.

So dear one,

Narcissists don't learn.

That's the big difference between someone who was narcissistic and not a narcissist or who was just an average Joe Schmoe like me,

Like you.

And I don't mean that in an insulting way.

I mean an average person,

The average human being has empathy.

The average human being wants to grow.

The average human being,

If you fell in the street,

The average human being is going to turn around and go,

Oh my God,

Are you OK?

That's one of the things I love about being a human being.

I live in New York.

You can walk down a New York City street.

There could be thousands of people walking around you at any given moment.

One person falls in the street.

You've got thousands of New Yorkers responding like,

What does this person need?

Call them out.

Suddenly we're brothers and sisters.

But it's so bizarre to me because we walk past each other like we don't smile,

We don't say hello.

But you need something,

I'm there for you.

I need something,

You're there for me.

Most people.

There are those people that will just walk over the person who's choking because they've got a taxi to catch.

Or the person who will stomp the person who's just fallen down in front of them and not even think to pick them up because they've got a train to catch.

Or they don't want to mess up their new shoes or mess up their manicure.

Those people exist.

But I think by far most people,

Most average people,

Have a decent amount of empathy and consideration for other people.

So I just love being human.

And I love humans because most of them are awesome.

But we do have to be aware of the lions and tigers and bears,

The alligators and the sharks that are very,

Very hungry.

So if you stay with a narcissist long enough,

Your life will get real small and you will begin to suffer depression and anxiety,

In my opinion,

Tied to cognitive dissonance because you can't think straight,

Because you can't make a decision.

You don't trust your decisions.

The narcissist has trained you to worry about everything that they think about you.

The narcissist has trained you to be afraid of their rage.

The narcissist has trained you to be afraid of their innuendos.

The narcissist has trained you to be afraid of saying hello to the mailman.

The narcissist has taught you to be afraid of trusting your decisions,

What you should have for dinner,

Where you should go for dinner.

You can't trust anything.

Why are you wearing your hair like that?

What makes you think you're so smart?

I can't believe you're going out like that.

What'd you say hello to him for?

Oh,

What'd you say hello to her for?

How much money did you give your daughter?

I can't believe you gave her that much money.

Who were you to give her that much money?

Why are you helping her?

Why are you helping him?

Why were you nice to the lady down the block?

What's wrong with you?

It's all this questioning constantly.

Why did you do that?

Why would you do that?

Why do you do that?

You must be crazy.

I can't believe you're doing that on purpose.

This idea that narcissists think that the things that you're doing,

You're doing deliberately.

That's projection,

Or they accuse you of being a bully and they're the bully,

Or they accuse you of being aggressive and they're the ones who are being aggressive.

There's lots of projection and the inability to check themselves.

So if you stay with a narcissist long enough,

You will begin to suffer signs of depression and anxiety.

Narcissists don't learn and they don't change.

They may say they'll change,

But they never do.

Let me love bomb you one minute and then abandon you the next,

All while blaming you for why they left or treated you poorly.

It will always be your fault that they raged at you,

Always be your fault that they insulted you,

Always be your fault that they cheated you,

Always be your fault that they did whatever they did.

Okay?

They may leave you and then hoover you back in.

In time,

You will feel like a human yo-yo.

You will not know if you are coming or going.

You will not be able to trust what's happening in your head.

You'll be afraid to talk to your children.

You'll be afraid to talk to your grandchildren.

You'll be afraid to do anything because the narcissist is in your head.

It's almost like you feel like there's a microchip in your head.

You're going to have to explain yourself over and over and over and over to a narcissist.

So the longer you live with and are engaged with a narcissist,

The more likely it is that you will suffer from depression and anxiety.

These are five things that you'll experience if you don't let go,

If you don't know what you're dealing with.

And I say that what we need to do is arm ourselves with information and then arm ourselves with tools that allow us to navigate relationship dynamics in a healthy way versus a toxic and dysfunctional reactive way.

Because the reality is these people exist and we have to do what we can to make sure that we are our best selves.

One of the things that you can do,

I highly recommend it,

I say it all the time,

Is begin meditating.

Some people say,

Oh,

I can't just sit there and just not think about anything.

My son says this to me all the time,

Trying to get him to meditate.

For his own sake,

To slow down the mental mind,

To reduce mental chatter,

To reduce cognitive dissonance so that you can feel the nuance of your internal instincts,

So that you can feel your higher self wanting to speak to you and come through.

But when you have all this anxiety and the narcissist has basically taken over the mental plane,

Then it is so loud in the mental plane that you can't feel the nuance from your inner self,

From your gut instincts.

And if you can't feel it,

Then you can't set a boundary around it.

And if you can't practice feeling what you feel,

Then you can't develop the self-reliance and the self-confidence to put a boundary in place.

Self-confidence,

You have to build yourself back up after these experiences.

Trust me,

I know this took me a very long time.

And I'm still working on releasing codependent belief systems and releasing reactive behavior and releasing the people in my life that still trigger me from time to time,

Just releasing it and using everything that I'm experiencing as a tool to grow and to develop and to be less,

Less triggered by things that happen outside of me.

My goal these days is to move beyond the fear of pain and the pursuit of pleasure,

To just be a human being,

Right?

And to play and dabble in the 3D world,

Knowing that I am not my body,

Knowing that I'm not my emotions,

Knowing that I am not my name,

Knowing that I'm a spirit in a physical body,

Having a physical experience in a physical world,

And using my intellect and my will to help me bring about the changes in myself and help other people change too if transformation is what they feel like they're here to do.

So I think it's important that we recognize meditation is an absolute free tool that we can use to slow down the mind,

To help us heal negative emotions,

To allow us to learn what it is to process an emotion.

And again,

This takes time.

It is possible,

But you cannot fix a hole in the wall that you cannot see.

And even if you go,

Oh,

There's the hole in the wall,

That's where the wind and the snow and the rain is coming from.

You still need tools to fix it.

And you can still have the tools,

But you need to know how to use those tools.

So I'm hoping that the work that I do offers people like you the opportunity to heal your life with the knowledge,

The insights,

And the tools that you need to bring about true transformation in your life forever.