Become Narcissist Free In 2021 With These 14 Life-Changing Relationship Tips

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33:26

Become Narcissist Free In 2021 With These 14 Life-Changing Relationship Tips

by Lisa A. Romano

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Narcissists are everywhere, and everyone in the world is a target. The better our ability to repel narcissists, the greater are our chances of manifesting healthier relationships and maintaining our peace of mind. In this episode, Life Coach and Codependency Expert Lisa A. Romano will help you become narcissist FREE!

Codependency Exploitation Self Care Boundaries Cptsd Relationships Self Doubt Emotional Manipulation Peace Of Mind Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Boundary Setting Relationship Dynamics Relationship Boundaries Emotional Manipulation Awareness

Meet your Teacher

New York, NY, USA

Meet your Teacher

New York, NY, USA

Transcript

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast. My name is Lisa A. Romano. I am a life coach, Bestselling author, YouTube vlogger, Meditation teacher, And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse. I am a believer in the power of an organized mind. My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life. May your heart feel blessed, Your mind feel expanded, And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast. So today, We're going to be talking about how you can be narcissist-free in the coming year. So I'm going to offer you 14 quick tips, Well, They're like reminders that you can use to be narcissist-free in the next year. It's going to take some time to work on these 14 reminders, But with enough practice, You'll be able to do it. So I recently posted to Instagram and to Pinterest this post, This social media post, And it got a ton of hits right away. And I knew that it meant something. I knew that it resonated with people and I wanted to share it with this community. And hopefully it resonates with you too. So the idea of becoming narcissist-free really starts with us. If you are here and you're trying to learn about narcissism, Good for you. If you have been in a relationship with someone with high narcissistic traits, You understand what gaslighting is. You understand what it feels like to have someone project their character flaws onto you. You know what it's like to have someone be sarcastic, To use innuendos against you, To say that they didn't say what they said, To try to make you feel like you're going crazy. You know what it feels like to have your children used against you, To have your family, Your friends and coworkers used against you, Good old triangulation. You understand what it feels like to have someone exploit you emotionally, Maybe steal from you, Lie to you, Tarnish your name, Use smear campaigns against you. You know what it feels like to have a complete Facebook community turn against you or to have someone who is highly narcissistic to take that route, To try to turn people against you. You know what it feels like to feel like you have a bullseye on the back of your back. I think that's what is so different about narcissistic abuse. You can be abused by someone in the moment, One and done, It's over. You can have an argument with your best friend who has a bad moment, She has a bad day. You can have an argument with a parent, It's one and done, Or maybe there are a few. But when it comes to narcissistic abuse, What makes this so ridiculous is that a narcissist must come at you from all angles. So they don't just have an argument with you, They seek to annihilate you. They not only want to annihilate you, They want to make sure communities of people also annihilate you. They just don't want to hurt your feelings, They want to hurt your business, They want to hurt your kids, They want to hurt your reputation. They want to take the ball and they want to go home with it. They want to take your heart and squeeze it and do whatever they can to make your life extremely difficult. It doesn't end. If you are a victim of narcissistic abuse, This can go on for years. I personally felt the number for me was seven. I felt like I had a target on my back for a minimum of seven years. It took four years to actually get a divorce. That is ridiculous. Every opportunity that could have been taken to make sure that my life was miserable, To make sure that I couldn't get the divorce that I wanted was taken. And it was only after I was pushed so far that I ended up filing for an order of protection because I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't take the harassment. I couldn't take the drive bias. I just didn't know what else to do. I didn't want to have to go that far, But I ended up going into court and winning an order of protection. And that's when I guess the ex understood, Oh, She's not playing around. I did not want to have to do it, But it was a line in the sand. And it was absolutely amazing when I finally made that step. That is when things started to move and I actually got the divorce. Now that is not going to be the story for everyone. Depending on what type of a narcissist you're dealing with will really dictate how you want to end your relationship. There are some people that you have to move out of the country for. They're just not going to stop. There are people who will seek to invade your privacy, To find ways to hack your accounts, Do whatever they can to infiltrate your life. They will have your cousins. They will have your siblings. They will have past friends. They'll create stories up about you. They'll create flying monkey situations in which you don't know who you can trust. And so my story, Although it's not unique, You can't use that story as your own and say, Okay, That's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go to court and that's going to fix everything because sometimes it can actually make things worse. This is not a black and white issue. This is about hopefully giving you some tools that you can use to take into the new year to be narcissist free, To learn how to avoid these types of toxic relationships in the future and to empower you with as many tools as possible. Take whatever information you get from resources like YouTube and Instagram and Pinterest from various different experts, From psychologists and so on. Read the books that you need to read and then absolutely make sure that you're working with qualified professionals that can help you make decisions that are applicable to your particular situation. You may have to deal with a trauma specialist who specializes in CPTSD recovery that understands that narcissistic abuse is unlike any other type of abuse because it doesn't end. And it's not just someone who has a bad day. You become their target. Not only do you become their target, They do what they can. To make sure that everyone you know becomes a grenade also so that you don't feel safe anywhere. If you've struggled with being abused by a narcissist who lies about you, Who exaggerates the stories about you, Who just allows other people. I went through that. When the stories were evolving, He didn't challenge them. He just let them go. And I understand that when people get divorced and when you're dealing with a narcissist that everybody loves that is so charming to a community of people and who only shows their colors behind closed doors, It is so hard to get people to believe that you're not crazy. And then on top of it, You feel like you are crazy because you get gaslit and then you get blamed for making the other person angry. And then they threaten to leave you. They threaten to divorce you. And then they tell you that you are the reason that this whole thing fell apart. Everything's your fault. And you start to wonder, Is it my fault? Did I have a right to complain about that? Did I have a right to ask for a boundary to be set around that? You start to question yourself. And then when you see the narcissist out and about and everybody's receiving him or her beautifully and even your friends are telling you, You're so lucky to have married him or you're so lucky to have married her, You definitely question your reality. And so you need to deal with people and work with people that understand that narcissistic abuse shakes you to your core. You have debilitating and paralyzing self-doubt. You wonder about every thought that comes through your head. You find yourself being unable to make simple decisions. You have been so gaslit and so projected upon and so accused of things that you're not guilty of. You have been so nitpicked by someone who love bombed you. You don't know which way is up. A narcissist will love bomb you, Gain access to your heart and over time will start to nitpick you, Erode your self-confidence. And you will wonder, You will have cognitive dissonance because your mind has decided that this person is awesome. And so the nitpicking then must be valid. It must be you because your brain has decided, Your mind has made this decision that this person's awesome, Which is all part of the narcissistic abuse. And so I'm just hoping that the information that you find and the resources that you most appreciate, Whether it's YouTube, Whether it's a podcast, Whether it's social media and other forms like Instagram, Pinterest, Or whatever, I hope that you are dealing with this in the best way that you possibly can rationally and from a fact-based analysis. In other words, Like narcissists lie and they absolutely exploit you in the emotional realm. So they have to throw you off your game. They have to confuse you. And what I like to do, At least this is what I hope you're taking away from the information that I offer, Is that you're gaining clarity. You're understanding that a narcissist works in the emotional realm. And so that's not going to work for you. If you stay in the emotional realm, You will not win. You have to extricate yourself from reactivity. You have to find stillness within. You have to find ways to close down the mental chatter so that you can get out a journal and you can go through the facts. Narcissist accuse you of flirting with someone that you didn't flirt with. You know that that's a fact. Hold on to that fact. Don't dip into the toxic pool about how he feels about it. Don't try to fix his feelings. Don't try to defend yourself. Just I wasn't flirting with him. I'm sorry you feel that way. I wasn't flirting with him. I'm sorry that that's your perception, But I was not flirting with him. Now some people have criticized me because they say, Oh, Well, That's a passive way to say what you need to say to a narcissist, To disarm a narcissist. I'm not saying it's not. I'm saying when you're dealing with someone who is trying to drag you into the mud, Into an emotional quicksand situation, Staying rooted in facts is very helpful. And yes, Saying to a narcissist, I'm really sorry that that's your perception, But I didn't flirt with him. I just didn't. And I don't think that I need to stand here and defend myself. And I'm really sorry that you seem to be so hurt and distraught over this idea that I was flirting with this person. Being that way sends a signal to the narcissist that you're just not going to go there. You're not jumping into the quicksand. And if you stay in that type of a mindset, Kind, But secure and factually based, And then if you set a boundary around like, Well, If you're going to continue to berate me about this because I'm starting to feel uncomfortable, Like I've already told you that I didn't flirt with this person, Then we're going to have to agree to disagree. I think I'll just go home or maybe I'll go sleep at my sister's house because this isn't working. Because a narcissist is going to try to drag you into a 10 hour conversation that goes well into the night until you finally go, Okay, Uncle, Okay, All right, I'll never talk to the guy again. I'll take him out of my phone. I won't go to any place where he is. I'll even quit my job. Is that what you want me to do? Because that's what you end up doing. You are exasperated by the vulnerabilities and the insecurities of the narcissist. And their job is to make sure that they stay in complete control and dominance over you. So you will end up feeling exasperated and just to like end the drama, You start to cry uncle, Okay? So I hope what you're taking away is like, Take what you can from this information and throw the rest away. If it doesn't resonate with you, Make sure you're dealing with people who understand that narcissistic abuse is unlike any other type of an abusive one-time situation, Still bad, Still bad in a perfect world. This wouldn't be happening, You know, But it is what it is when it comes to narcissistic abuse. It's ongoing. It never seems to end. And the narcissist goes to your friends, Family, Coworkers, Whatever you touch, The narcissist is going to try to taint and get the other people to do their dirty work for them. They will stop at nothing. They will lie. They will make up stories. They will do the fabrications. They will embellish. They will do whatever they can to make it look like you are the dysfunctional one and they are the one that was right and you were wrong. And so let's talk about the 14 things that you can do. So the first thing that you have to do is you want to spot love bombing quickly, Understand that healthy relationships take time. So again, Looking ahead into 2021, We want to make sure that you become, You become narcissist free. So the first things that you're going to keep in your, In your head that someone who's love bombing you quickly, Fast tracking romance, Fast tracking intimacy, Someone who's uncomfortable with waiting to see how the relationship actually develops. That's a red flag. The second thing is hold onto yourself, Meaning keep making yourself a priority. A narcissist wants to feel like they are your priority. They will love bomb you. They will use every trick in the book to try to, Try to get you to trust them. And what they're really trying to do is inch into position. Number one in your head, Your mind, Your body and your life. So moving into any relationship, Make sure that you hold onto yourself. So healthy relationships are like this. I'm a being, You're a being, And we can relate to one another and support one another. There might be a time where you need to lean on me and that's fine. I'll be there for you. And there might be a time where I need to lean on you. That's fine. I'll be there for you. But most of the time there's a healthy balance and each of us is taking care of ourselves, Responsible for our own happiness. So when you move into a next relationship, Make sure that you're holding onto yourself and make sure that we're going to move into gaslighting, But make sure that you're testing yourself. You're policing your own thoughts. You're policing your own ideas. Like if you find yourself racing, Like racing thoughts about getting married, Becoming engaged, How many kids we're going to have, And you just met this woman, You just met this guy, You are not holding onto yourself. So make yourself a priority, Self care, And move through the relationship, Making sure that you are taking care of you. Okay? Because what happens in a codependent narcissistic relationship, Two people, One relationship, Two people worried about the one person. You have to avoid that. Third thing, Listen to red flags because this is your higher self's warning signs. If you're honest with yourself, Go back into your life, Go back into your history and ask yourself how many times your higher self sent you a red flag and how many times did you ignore it? Maybe you were afraid of letting go of the relationship that you had. Maybe the narcissist was great at future faking and now you've got two years in and you can't imagine letting go of these two years. I can tell you, Letting go of two years is a lot easier than letting go of 48 years or 20 years or 10 years. So a red flag is a red flag, Do not ignore it. The fourth thing, Be honest with yourself, See what's there and don't see what you want to see. Really, Really hard. We all tend to fantasize about the ideal person. We all tend to fantasize about what we want to see happen and I don't think there's anything wrong with that. As long as we're going in with our eyes wide open. So that means that I meet a man and he's ticking all the boxes and then on year one or year two, I find something out about him that is just an absolute deal breaker. Perhaps there are rumors of him cheating, Perhaps there's evidence of him cheating. I've got to be able to see what's there, Not what I want to see. So maybe I want to believe that my family is intact. Maybe I want to believe that my husband has my best interests in his heart. Maybe I want to believe that and maybe that's even what I want to see. Maybe I want to believe that my family is perfect. That's not going to help me become narcissus free. That's going to keep me stuck. So try to practice seeing what's there and not seeing what you want to see and it would be helpful, Here's a tip, It would be helpful for you to actually write down in your journal what I see, What I wish I did see. So that your brain can become very, Very logical and rational about what's really going on, Okay? Because we want to become desensitized to seeing things as they really are. And as long as we live in fear of things as they really are, We're going to experience cognitive dissonance, Pain versus pleasure is going to work against us and our brain is going to filter out information that is in contrast to what we actually really want to see. So we have to number five, We want to work on codependency issues, Which means that I have to focus on how I feel. Codependency is essentially a loss of self. It means that we acquiesce to the needs of other people, We subjugate our needs for the sake of relationships, We're terribly afraid to be alone, We experience toxic loneliness, We experience toxic shame. And in caretaking on other people, In people pleasing, We are spiritually bypassing all of our emotional boo-boos. We are focusing on the needs of other people. If we can make this other person happy, Then we feel validated and we avoid going deep within and healing our inner child. So we have to work on that. If we want to be narcissistic, Great. Number six, Spend more time with good friends and don't isolate. What you'll see happen with a narcissist is they will want to isolate you from your friends. So they might not want to hang out with you and your friends and they say, Oh, You know what, When you're done, Come to my place, Right? Or I don't know why you hang out with them. Or how about this one? I'm so surprised they're your friends. I expected you to have like really high class friends putting your friends down. Dear one, Huge red flag. So see what's there. Don't see what you want to see. This is not good. This is the early attempts at trying to get you to feel ashamed of your friendships. This is an early attempt to begin isolating you and dominating you and having control over you and your time and with whom you spend time with. With a narcissist, You'll spend time with their friends. You're not going to spend time with your friends. Or if your friends come over to your apartment, They might be able to hold it together while your friends are there. But when that friend leaves or when those friends leave, You are going to hear it to the wee hours of the morning. Do not go into denial. Make sure you see this as the red flag that it is. Okay. Number 11, Refuse to settle for any relationship to avoid being alone. Now one of the most incredible things that I learned about myself, I wasn't aware of it because I was living below the veil of consciousness, Which is what codependency is. You know, I was recreating childhood patterns. I did not know that I was afraid to live on my own, To completely be responsible for myself financially in every way. I did not know that I didn't think that I could trust my decisions. I had no clue. And on the recovery from codependency or the codependent recovery journey, I realized like, Wow, I've never been alone. I started dating at 15. I had boyfriends after boyfriend after every relationship. As soon as it ended, I ended up in another relationship until I was married. And even after my divorce, Boom, Right into another relationship. And so I never stopped dating. And it wasn't until I really came face to face with this fact that I had this fear of loneliness that I knew that I had to embrace it. I couldn't run from it anymore. I was spiritually bypassing. And so healing that and learning to be alone was incredibly empowering, Learning to self-love, Learning to self-care and doing absolutely everything I could to hold onto myself and break this pattern within me. I hated the idea of being controlled by a subconscious pattern that was streamed into me by my mother and father's stream of consciousness. And now here I was, And this is the way consciousness works, This is Wi-Fi and we're all hooked up to Wi-Fi. We are either aware that we're hooked up to Wi-Fi or we are not. We either have a very good signal to the internal system and the clearer our signal is on the inside, The clearer our signal will be as we are in the matrix streaming because we're all streaming a particular stream of consciousness. And so in order to become narcissists free into the future, We really need to change the way we're showing up. And so I hope these reminders are helping you do that. So number eight, Make sure words match other people's actions and be willing to walk away. I absolutely believe that if you're going to be in a relationship, In a healthy relationship, This is just my thing, Take it or leave it. Some people might be offended by it. I don't mean to offend anyone, But I'm being real. I think that we have to be willing to walk away from any relationship. That doesn't mean that you don't try. I'm married. If Anthony and I had troubles, I want to believe that I'd be willing to work it out. And I would want to work it out depending on what it was, To be quite frank, Because there are just deal breakers for me that I'm not going to work out because I know myself. In order for me to give 110%, Okay, 100% because that's all you can give. In order for me to give 100%, I have to feel safe. And so if I no longer feel safe and you prove to me that you can hurt me to this point, Then probably not going to work it out with you. To me, It's a deal breaker. I don't believe things just happen. If you understand how the universe works in terms of a stream of consciousness, Let's say you have an affair, That didn't just happen. There are plenty of reasons for an affair, But for me personally, That's a deal breaker for me. I know that there are people out there that say it doesn't have to be, Okay, But where I am right now at my stage of development, That would be absolutely a deal breaker for me as it would be my husband. And so we both have that understanding that that's an absolute deal breaker. That each of us is willing to walk away. I know that Anthony would be willing to walk away from me. No doubt in my mind, But he also knows that I would be too. We have a certain level of respect for one another. And I think that's part of the reason why, Because neither one of us is going to settle like we did the first time around. Our first marriages were highly dysfunctional and highly toxic. We're not doing that again. What do we have? A decade? I mean, I'm 56. Two decades? Right? To like get this right. I don't want to be miserable and neither do T. So I think that if you want to be narcissist free in the future, You have to be willing to walk away when you see narcissistic traits begin to surface and they are deal breakers for you. Okay. That's just my opinion. I'm giving you my opinion here. So number nine, Don't sweep things under the rug and refuse to stay in denial. Big one. Codependency is rooted in denial. When you're a codependent, You are in denial about the fact that you don't have a self. You don't even know it. You don't even know that you're not operating from a healthy sense of self. It's not even on your radar. You're just doing what your mother taught you to do, Or you're just doing what you learned to do in childhood, Which is bond after people's affection, Looking for some type of a connection, Looking for a way to avoid this feeling of abandonment. That's what you do. And you're in denial of it. Right? So you're in denial of how other people make you feel. You're in denial of your emotions. You're in denial of just how bad this relationship is. You just don't understand it. So what you want to try to do is make sure that you are like all the other healthy reminders that I've just offered you, Make sure you're ticking off the boxes and you're staying out of denial. You're not ignoring red flags. You're holding onto yourself. If you see, If you're seeing signs of narcissism, You don't go into denial about it and you know how you feel. You have to know, Ask yourself every day, How do I feel? Another question, Is this relationship helping me or is this relationship hurting me? Does this conversation help me or does this conversation hurt me? These are great questions that will help you stay out of denial. Okay. Number 10, Be open to hear what your friends have to say about your partner. Oh my word. When we are in narcissistic relationships, In the beginning, It is absolutely seductive. We feel infatuated with this person. It can feel intoxicating. When you are intoxicated, You crash, Right? Think about someone who's drunk driving. Why? They just can't take control over their motor skills and not control over their functioning. They're not seeing things clearly. You miss the exit sign. You're driving the wrong way on the highway. It's devastating. We should not drink and drive. Obviously, Right? But how many people do? Seriously. So when you are in a relationship with someone and one of your best friends, A bestie of yours, Someone that you've trusted, Maybe even a family member says, You know, Lisa, Can I talk to you about this? You know, There's just, I don't like the way that guy just talked to you or, You know, My best friend has heard about this guy and her friend dated him. And you know, Do you know that he has a second Instagram account? Lots of times you might want to go into denial because it's cognitive dissonance, Right? You're going off to Tahiti. So he says, We're going to take this trip to Bali. So he says, It's not going to happen. It's future faking. We're going to have two kids. We're going to live in this beautiful mansion when I get that job. It's not going to happen. And so you've got all this time invested in this future reality. That's not going to happen. So you might not be willing to listen to your friend. If you want to be narcissist free and you have a friend who's willing to have that conversation with you, Please listen, Please be open. Please be willing to hear what they have to say. Okay. Really important. Number 11, Find hobbies and stick to them. Find alone time. When you're in a relationship with a narcissist, Remember you become like a piece of property. Your time is their commodity. So you spending time alone is not going to be something that this narcissist appreciates. You do. So go into all of your future relationships, Making sure that you have a hobby. If you don't have one, Figure it out. Everybody likes to do something. I believe that the human spirit has come to be creative. More than likely, It'll be drawing, It'll be singing, It'll be roller skating, Roller hockey, Whatever it is. I grew up doing those things. Maybe you like to do those things too. Maybe it's a crossword puzzle. Maybe it's to doku. I don't know. Just figure out something that you like to do and hold onto it. Don't give that up for the sake of a relationship. And if you're dating someone who is angry about that, That's a huge red flag. Because a healthy person wants you to have a hobby and wants you to spend time making sure that your soul feels enriched by the hobbies that you actually enjoy doing. So remember that one. Number 12, When and if the mask slips, Don't make excuses for poor behavior. You're at a dinner party. You're dating someone who tells you that they don't drink. And all of a sudden this person's ossified, Embarrassing herself, Embarrassing you. Don't make excuses for poor behavior. This person wakes up the next morning and minimizes the fact that she embarrassed you in front of your coworkers, Your family, That she said inappropriate things. Oh, What are you talking about? So what? I got drunk. What's the big deal? You've never gotten drunk. You are being devalued. Okay? Do not minimize that because you're being minimized. So when the mask slips, When you start to see things that make you uncomfortable, Whether it's flirting, Whether it's you find text messages on their phone, Whether you hear things that make you question where the narcissist was, So you think that they're lying to you. There's money missing out of your bank account, Right? So they're not where they said they were going to be and so on. Don't ignore that. So when the mask slips, Eyes wide open. Okay? Number 13, Set boundaries when others gaslight, Project, Criticize, Or threaten abandonment. So when you are being minimized and when someone has absolute disregard for your emotions, This is like a grenade in your relationship. Like how do you develop intimacy, Long lasting intimacy and vulnerability with someone who is aloof or with someone who like puffs and puffs when you want to have a discussion. Now I get it. Some of us can be extremely long winded. Some of us don't know how to let stuff go. And I think that as long as we're not narcissists, We're going to be willing to work on that, Right? We're willing to make our point and be done with it. Now when you're dealing with a narcissist, The narcissist never gives that to you. And so you never feel heard, Right? You are minimized. You're devalued. The narcissist hurts you and before long they're telling you that you owe them an apology for upsetting them, Right? They upset you. They upset you. They were the one that yelled at you in front of your coworker, Right? When you tell them, Hey, Listen, I thought that that was inappropriate. They get upset and now they can't sleep. And now they're annoyed at you. And now before long you are so bombarded with these irrational rationalizations. You end up saying that you're sorry, Right? So set boundaries. Again, If you're willing to walk away, Then it's easier for you to set boundaries. If you are not willing to walk away, Then it's going to be much easier to stay in a narcissist abuse cycle. Number 14, Take time to get to know someone and don't rush into missing. So if you think about seeds and if you think about, You know, Think about these big oak trees, Think about redwood trees, Right? They were once little seeds and it took time for them to grow roots into the ground, Right? Before they were able to push through the, Through the soil. So if you want to attract a healthy relationship in 2021 and you don't want to be involved with narcissists long-term and you want to end up shutting the door and learning how to do this better, Learning how to have a healthier relationship better, Then you must understand that relationships take time to grow. Whatever you rush is not going to really last. Whether it's, You know, Baking a cake, You need time to bake, Right? Baking is like a science, Right? You need to be patient with things, Right? So it's like anything else. You go to get your hair dyed. If you take the color off too early, No bueno, It's not going to work out for you, Right? If you're driving fast on the highway and you know, You're not paying attention to speed limits, You can get hurt. Really, Really get hurt or you can hurt someone else. If you rush through a business deal and you don't look at the fine print, You can get hurt, Right? If you start a business and your infrastructure is not what it should be, Then you might have a great business idea, But in a year or two it might collapse because you didn't have the infrastructure to deal with the onslight of orders perhaps. So haste makes waste and it's no different than in a relationship. A narcissist is going to want to rush you to bed. A narcissist is going to want to rush into mistake. A narcissist is going to want to meet your kids, Meet your family, Meet your coworker, Is going to rush to do all these things. It's going to feel very unnatural. If you are aware that things take time. So I hope that this list of 14 reminders of the things that you need to keep in mind of in 2021 will help you become narcissistic free.