Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.
My name is Lisa A.
Romano.
I am a life coach,
Best-selling author,
YouTube vlogger,
Meditation teacher,
And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.
I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.
My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.
May your heart feel blessed,
Your mind feel expanded,
And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.
Narcissists generally don't change.
Studies are proving that they're resistant to therapy,
That they're argumentative in therapy,
They think they're smarter than the therapist,
And they don't last in therapy long.
They quit in most cases.
And so when it comes to dealing with a narcissist,
Let's try to keep in mind that a narcissist doesn't have the same sense of community,
Same sense of we're a team,
And they don't have the empathy.
So in other words,
They're going to cross that line.
So if you're going to play dirty with the narcissist,
They're going to win.
It's just like I said earlier,
Everybody has that friend that you know that you just don't joke around with.
Don't pull a prank on that person because they're going to pull out all the stops to get you back and get you back even worse.
So I made a list and I wanted to share it with you.
So what we're trying to do is we're trying to smolder this fire.
A narcissist is like a fire.
A fire needs oxygen to burn.
We're going to see that fear is that oxygen and control is another form of oxygen,
Intimidation.
All of this lends to the narcissist supply,
The narcissist seeking supply from us,
Right?
Or from you.
So let's talk about some of the things that we can do to get the ultimate revenge on a narcissist that's going to allow you to set yourself free and to really hold your power.
When you're able to let go and you're no longer attached to what the narcissist says,
You're no longer reacting out of fear,
You're no longer checking on the narcissist,
You're no longer worried about what the flying monkeys are saying,
You're no longer worried,
You're no more attached.
And this is really what we're trying to go for.
We want to be able to hold onto ourselves in spite of what's happening around us.
We need to get to a point where once we recognize that we're dealing with narcissism,
That we basically say namaste,
I see it,
I get it,
And we detach from it.
And we don't want what's happening outside of us to affect us anymore.
I recognize how hard it is.
You have a narcissistic family,
You go no contact,
It's the holidays,
It's the birthdays,
It's your birthday,
It's your kid's birthday,
It's your niece's birthday,
Whatever.
Narcissistic families,
They can become like a cult.
They can become like gang.
They have this gang mentality where mom is the cult leader or mom is the wicked witch and the siblings and the cousins and the aunts and the uncles become flying monkeys.
It's so daunting when that's your family.
Talk about abandonment trauma and feeling rejected.
It's tough.
The goal,
However,
Is to be able to make peace with that because you're protecting yourself and you're not in the spirit of anger and hostility.
Although there's something to be said,
This comes up in my coaching group sometimes on occasion,
Where people say to me,
Lisa,
Please don't ask me to let go of my anger because it's the only thing that's keeping my nose above the waterline.
I get it.
In that situation,
By all means,
You might have to hold onto your anger.
The anger is allowing you to say,
Push back,
Mom.
Push back,
Dad.
I don't care what you have to say.
I don't care what you have to say.
I was there for a while.
I was there for a while.
It's like Melody Beattie talks about the pendulum swinging to the other side.
I walked around my tail between my legs.
I didn't say much at the kitchen table with my family.
I was afraid that they might say something.
I knew that they had these ridiculous opinions of me and I was afraid if I opened my mouth that I was going to get jumped on.
I mean,
My shoulders just came up.
I didn't even realize it was happening,
But this is the way I used to live with my family members.
So when my life fell apart,
And I have to work at relaxing my shoulders.
When my life fell apart,
I got divorced and my family,
They did,
They turned on me.
This is not me playing the victim.
This is just a fact.
When they walked away from me and basically told me,
We're not going to be there for you.
We think it's you.
We don't think it's him.
Well,
They became flying monkeys.
And that's when I was like,
I'm done.
So the pendulum went from walking around with my tail between my legs to,
You know what,
You guys can all scratch,
You know what,
And leave me the heck alone.
I need to take care of my kids and I need to survive.
And your negativity is bringing me down.
I could hardly breathe right now.
And so I held onto the anger and that really helped me stay safe.
So I get that.
Hopefully,
If you're in this space and you're hearing this message,
What you're hearing me say is the anger is valid.
The natural desire to want to take revenge on a narcissist,
Even that's valid,
But it's not going to work out well.
And the ultimate goal,
Although it's not the goal for everyone,
Because there are some people that absolutely need to hold onto that anger,
Depending on what happened in their life.
What happened in their life will dictate whether or not they need to hold onto anger,
Maybe forever.
And that's not for me to judge.
That's not for you to judge.
That's for us to accept that that's what that person is and that's what that person needs.
However,
There are people who want to and feel that part of their process,
Which is necessary,
Is to release anger and to live a non-attached life to what's happening outside of them.
Perhaps you even may recognize that a narcissist and the experience with a narcissist can teach you something about non-attachment.
It can teach you about not attaching to things outside of you that you can't control,
Like what someone else thinks about you,
Like putting your sense of self outside of you,
Which is something that you can't control.
This is never a good goal.
This is what codependency is all about,
Needing someone else to validate me so that I feel good about myself.
A codependent will rescue,
A codependent will people please,
A codependent is very agreeable,
A codependent in most cases lives in denial,
A codependent does not know what she feels or what he feels,
Attract people who are generally bullies,
Who have high narcissistic traits,
Who are self-centered,
Who are demanding,
Who are critical,
And the codependent struggles with the sense of self and fawns and enables this toxic situation and manages the emotions of the narcissist rather than understanding what's really happening to them,
The consequence and what they're losing in this relationship.
So they're managing the emotions of the narcissist in lieu of taking care of themselves.
A lot of codependents don't even realize they're doing that.
They don't end relationships.
This is a problem.
And so you might be someone who's realizing that,
Oh,
Wow,
I'm at a point in my life where I'm realizing that I don't need other people's approval to have a sense of self,
That I am enough just as I am.
I might have things to work on.
I'm not perfect.
No one's perfect.
I'm a work in progress,
And I have certain challenges,
And maybe I do need to work on certain things.
Personally,
I think we all do.
We all have to work on ourselves.
That's the whole purpose of being here,
Becoming better versions of ourselves.
Not better versions of ourselves so we feel better than other people,
Right?
Just better versions of ourselves,
And I'm not talking about the way that we look.
I'm talking about the way that we show up in our lives.
Are we being authentic?
Are we authentic with other people?
What are we doing with our life?
That's what I'm talking about.
So maybe you're someone who's realizing,
Like,
Wow,
This relationship has taught me that I really need to worry more about what I think about me than what other people think about me.
