What I Would Do If I Were Planning To Leave A Narcissist

Welcome to the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

My name is Lisa A.

Romano.

I am a life coach,

Best-selling author,

YouTube vlogger,

Meditation teacher,

And expert in the field of codependency and narcissistic abuse.

I am a believer in the power of an organized mind.

My aim is to help people learn what it means to live above the veil of consciousness rather than living a reactive life.

May your heart feel blessed,

Your mind feel expanded,

And your spirit find hope as you spend time with me here at the Breakdown to Breakthrough podcast.

In this video,

I'm going to be sharing 12 things that I would do if I was breaking up with a narcissist.

When we're dealing with narcissists,

We're dealing with two-year-olds that like to throw tantrums.

They want to get their way.

And even if you don't want them,

They don't want you to leave them.

And even if they're the one that doesn't want you,

They don't think that you have the right to be the one to leave them.

They want to be the one who gets to discard you.

And so it's a very complicated thing.

And when you're dealing with a narcissist,

You're going to be dealing with someone who is irrational,

Who is very immature,

And who throws tantrums.

And in the realm of emotions,

This is very serious and it's very complicated.

So ending a relationship with a narcissist is something that you have to navigate through.

So I wanted to share with you 12 things that I would do,

Knowing what I know now,

That I would do if I were ending a relationship with a narcissist.

The first thing that I would do is I would learn everything I could about narcissists' personality,

What motivates them,

And how they think.

So basically a narcissist is someone who lacks self-awareness,

They are empathy impaired,

They feel entitled,

And they exploit people emotionally,

Financially.

So these are people who,

They look normal,

But they really can't hear you and they don't care that they can't hear you.

But they want you to hear them.

So they could be criticizing you and then you throw a criticism back.

They only hear the criticism.

They don't have the awareness to recognize,

Well,

You know,

Maybe I deserve that dig because I did start.

That doesn't exist.

When you are in a relationship with a narcissist,

You're often very super confused because you're like,

Why doesn't this person understand that they just humiliated me or that they lied to me or that they said they were going to be here at five,

It's nine o'clock and there's no accountability and I'm upset.

And I'm not even upset about them not being here at five anymore,

I'm upset that they're treating me as if I have no right to be upset that it's nine o'clock,

Right?

So you can get caught in these circular conversations.

So a narcissist lacks self-awareness.

So if I were leaving a narcissist today,

Or if I thought that I was leaving someone who had high narcissistic traits,

Before I made any major move,

I would make sure that I understood their personality so that I could rest assured that my perception was in fact correct.

Knowing what I know now about narcissism and codependency and how often codependents become the perfect partner for a narcissist.

If I was leaving a narcissist,

I would want to know if I was struggling with codependency.

Did I act like a puppy dog in this person's presence?

Did I feel even at a subconscious level,

I'd want to dig it up.

Am I living for this person?

Am I feeling unworthy of help?

Do I seek this person's validation?

Do I live to make this person happy?

Am I happy if this person's happy and am I sad if this person's sad?

And do I feel responsible for this person's emotions?

Because no matter whether or not you're leaving a narcissist,

If you're codependent,

This pattern is going to occur in your life again.

So if I were leaving someone who I thought had high narcissistic traits,

I would investigate what it meant to be codependent and deal with whatever underlying issues that I had with abandonment trauma,

A mother wound that was unhealed,

The fear of rejection and an anxious attachment style.

I would work in that realm so that I could be more secure in dealing with the narcissist that I was leaving,

In making decisions,

In setting boundaries.

And also so that moving forward,

I had much less chance of being codependent and attracting a narcissist in the future.

The third thing that I would work on is absolutely finding some sort of support.

I would hire a coach,

I would talk to a therapist,

And at a minimum,

I would find a support group.

I would find a group of people that understood this language and could teach me this language so I could have context,

So I could have language to what I was experiencing.

Before you know what narcissism is,

You don't understand what gaslighting is.

You don't understand what projection is.

You don't understand what triangulation is.

You don't understand what future faking is.

You don't understand what cognitive dissonance is.

So hiring someone or finding a support group of people that do understand this language is super important.

The fourth thing I would do is I would start documenting everything.

So I would document text messages.

I would document timeframes.

I would document language,

What was said.

I would print out text messages.

I mean,

I would save receipts.

I would mark things on a calendar.

This was said,

This is where he went,

Or this is what she said.

I would have a detailed calendar of events and of facts,

And I would back it up with some type of a folder.

I would keep recordings of phone conversations that we had.

I would record conversations.

Really important that you have this documentation.

Not so much for them,

Because even if you catch their hand in the cookie jar,

They're going to say,

It wasn't me.

For your own sake,

So that you know that you're not crazy,

So that you can say,

Oh,

That's blame shifting,

Or,

Oh,

That's a lack of accountability,

Or,

Oh,

This is him turning the story on me,

Or,

Oh,

This is her lying,

Oh,

This is her projecting.

This is for your benefit,

So you can stay anchored and grounded in reality.

The fifth thing that I would do,

And I've done this in the past,

Is I would create an actual timeline of events,

An actual timestamp of things that happened during the course of my relationship with this person,

From beginning to the middle to where we are now.

So I would talk about how we met,

What was said,

What was promised,

How was I treated,

What was this person's mood,

How did this person act around my family and around my friends,

What were some of the things and beliefs this person said that they had at the time,

Because a narcissist will mirror you in the beginning,

But if you stay with a narcissist long enough,

You realize in time that their words don't match their behavior.

So you met them and they love dogs,

And in six months,

They can't stand puppies.

Or you met them and they were a vegan when you met them,

And they were all about going to farmer's markets and eating vegan food,

And in eight months,

They order some prime ribs somewhere,

And you're confused.

And so in time,

You're going to start to see,

Wow,

Nothing this person said is actually matching up,

So you're going to start to see the lies.

So on the timeline,

You're going to identify also love bombing.

So let's say in the first two weeks of your relationship with the narcissist,

This person was all over you.

This person was idealizing you.

So you would say,

Okay,

I know that for the month of January,

This person was idealizing me.

And then around February,

Just trying to make it simple,

Then around February,

I started to see that they weren't answering my texts like they used to,

Or they started to criticize me,

Like they criticized the shoes that I wore,

Or they started to question my reality.

They started to question my memory.

That started to happen.

And so you also want to point on the timeline the points in your relationship where you started to notice gaslighting,

Where you were accused of not remembering things correctly,

Or they made fun of you and you got upset about it,

And they said,

Oh,

I was only joking,

Or I didn't say that,

Or you're just too sensitive.

When did the gaslighting start to happen?

When were you triangulated against a coworker?

Or when did they create some fake jealous scenario where they started telling you that your friend was hitting on them and they wanted you to be jealous?

So they were trying to create distance between you and your friend,

Or they were just trying to get all up in your head.

So by creating this timeline and actually plotting points where the narcissistic traits and the narcissistic mind games began to evolve is going to help you feel grounded in reality,

In the truth.

Now it's important to remember that when you're dealing with a narcissist,

They get so up inside your head that they're controlling your perception of reality,

And that's exactly what they want to do.

So doing this is going to anchor you to reality,

And it's going to be something that you can rely on to help you ease up brain fog and cognitive dissonance.

The next thing that I would do,

If not sooner,

Is I would begin a meditation practice.

You hear the biggest gurus and the biggest spiritual teachers of all time,

And even some of the leaders in the industry,

Whether it's the personal development industry or some teachers in the spiritual community,

Everybody's talking about meditation for a reason,

Dear one,

Because it works.

Now when I first started meditating,

I wanted to meditate because after my divorce,

I was making so many mistakes.

I had so much brain fog,

So much abandonment trauma to work through,

And I just ruminated.

I was constantly worried about,

Am I going to be able to pay the bills?

Am I going to be able to put my kids through school?

Am I going to be able to pay for a car?

My ex took my car out of the driveway.

Literally I had no car.

Am I going to be able to put food on the table?

Am I going to be able to pay for health insurance?

I got no health insurance and I got no alimony.

So it was pretty desperate when I first got divorced.

So all of these worries are up in my head.

He also would say things to my kids like,

Oh,

I can't believe you poor kids have to live here.

Look where your mother is having you live.

I mean,

He got up inside my children's heads,

Right?

So even the home that I bought for our kids,

He was,

To my children,

Putting that house down,

Which hurt them and of course hurt me.

So these types of things were causing me to spiral at some times.

And it took a lot of emotional work and a lot of mental Olympics for me to catch myself and say,

No,

You're not going down that rabbit hole.

That's exactly what he wants you to do.

You're free of this.

You're going to be able to do this.

You're teaching your children a new way.

You can do this.

You can do this.

Being my own cheerleader,

My own coach and my own champion.

So I began to meditate and I meditated because I understood that the mind is a chatterbox and that the subconscious mind is constantly flooding the conscious field with just mental chatter.

And lots of times it's nonsensical.

It's a mess in our minds sometimes.

And I knew that it was because I could tell emotionally I wasn't happy.

I wasn't content.

I didn't feel free.

I felt very stuck and overwhelmed and I knew that I had to slow down my mind.

So I began to meditate and I can tell you that I stuck with it and I'm so grateful that I did because I became a mental ninja dealing with the narcissist in my life.

I was so aware of what was happening when it was happening in real time.

And I very much credit that to meditation and also many of the steps that I'm sharing with you today.

Because once you see someone for who they really are and the narcissist goggles are off,

Like you start to see the narcissist for who they are and you also have to see yourself for who you are,

Right?

And as you begin to see things more clearly,

More objectively from what I call like a level two consciousness where,

Oh,

Now I can see the patterns.

Now I can see the mind games.

Once you get to that place,

You can't unsee it.

And in that space,

If you have these tools,

Then you don't ever have to be manipulated by this person again.

Number seven is emotional detachment.

And so emotional detachment,

What the heck does that look like?

That means that I stay on my side of the fence with my emotions and I don't take your garbage over the fence anymore.

What's the garbage?

Their perception of you,

Their opinions of you,

Their criticisms of you,

Their fear mongering,

Their wanting to control your perception of reality,

They're wanting to turn the kids against you.

You keep everything on that side of the fence.

So one of the ideas that you can put in your head is this idea that you and this person are separate,

You're neighbors,

You're not the same person.

And detachment,

Think of detachment as the fence that divides both these properties.

And the narcissist lives on the other side of the fence.

Now when you're thinking about the narcissist,

As soon as they open their mouth,

All you see is want,

Want garbage.

That's all you see is Tuesday's garbage,

Like last Tuesday's garbage.

It's rotten.

It stinks.

So what this person wants to do is litter your lawn with it and cause your lawn to stink as much as their lawn stinks and you're not doing it anymore.

So when they say,

Oh,

You are a liar,

They accuse you of lying.

You say,

Okay,

That's,

I'm sorry you have that opinion of me.

You say it in your head.

You just push it back onto their side of the fence.

They criticize the way that you look,

You just volley it back to their side of the fence.

You actually act or feel like you have this psychological condom on and like you're rubber and they're glue.

Whatever they say to you bounces off of you and sticks on them.

Like you literally understand that no matter what they say,

You're pushing it back on their side of the fence and use this idea or this vision of a fence and you two living in separate houses as neighbors,

You use this idea of a fence to help you push their garbage back on their side.

That'll be very emotionally clearing for you and it'll help you understand that what's coming out of their mouth is garbage and it's just meant to make your world stink.

Number eight,

If you are married,

Talk to a divorce attorney,

Preferably out of town because you don't know who this person knows.

You swear this attorney to secrecy.

You get all the information that you need to know about your finances,

About the kids,

What would have to happen.

Why?

Because if you let these unanswered questions and these unknowns roll around your head,

You're going to be afraid.

You're going to be afraid to set a boundary.

But once you look at the fear straight on,

This is what I did.

I mean,

When I drove to the attorney's office,

I went to a different town also.

When I went to the attorney's office,

I can tell you I was hyperventilating and my knees were shaking.

I could hardly sign the check.

I was so nervous,

But I knew that I had to prepare myself.

I knew that I could not keep living in denial.

I knew that this was inevitable.

I didn't know where I was going.

I just knew I couldn't stay.

I could not raise my children in this toxic home anymore.

I knew that I was programming them for codependency and maybe even narcissism.

And I didn't want to do that anymore.

I was just awakened and I had to take accountability for what I was feeling.

And the longer that I stayed in this house,

The longer I tried to pretend that I wasn't as unhappy as I was,

The longer my children were marinating in this toxicity.

And once I saw that,

Like I said,

I could not see it.

And I knew I had to move forward.

When I moved forward,

Terrified,

But I did.

And asking the attorney questions very much helped me understand what was in front of me and that really helped alleviate my fears.

So when I did have the conversation with the ex and I did say,

Well,

This is what we're doing,

I was prepared mentally and emotionally.

I knew that no matter what he threatened,

He couldn't do some of the things that he said he wanted to do.

And that was very comforting.

So I understood it was a bunch of hot air.

He was trying to intimidate me.

He was trying to scare me.

And that really did help.

So if you are married to a narcissist,

Get your ducks in a row and go have all your questions answered so that you don't have to carry around this emotional garbage,

This emotional fear.

Number nine,

If you've been in a relationship with a narcissist,

Chances are that you've lost yourself trying to figure them out,

Trying to be good enough,

Trying to prove to them that you do love them,

Yada,

Yada,

Yada.

And now it's time for you to invest in yourself.

You don't tell the person that this is what you're doing.

You say nothing.

You keep your secret to yourself.

When they're not looking,

When they don't know it,

When you're alone,

When you have time,

You invest in yourself.

What does that mean?

Well,

Do you need a new promotion at work?

Then you might need new training.

Get the training.

Invest in yourself.

Do you need a coach?

Invest in yourself.

Do you need a therapist?

Invest in yourself.

Do you need to start working on yourself physically?

Do you need to exercise?

Invest in yourself.

Hire yourself a personal trainer.

Do you need to work on personal development work?

Do you need to develop mental clarity?

Do you need to set boundaries?

Invest in courses,

Programs,

And other people that can help you feel better about yourself and also help raise your level of self-efficacy.

Do not wait until the roof falls in and the floor disappears before you begin doing what you need to do to better yourself at work,

To get the certificate that you need,

To get the training that you need.

Don't wait.

If I were leaving a narcissist,

These are the things that I would start to do.

In fact,

It's exactly what I did.

When I knew that my life was imploding,

I didn't get one certification,

I got three.

And I never told him.

I never told anyone what I was doing.

And I got up in the wee hours of the morning to study.

And it worked out amazingly well because when everything finally did come to pass and I did have to take care of my children,

I was equipped to do so.

And because I didn't have one certification,

I had three.

I was far more equipped than most people in my situation.

Number 10,

Start your self-care.

What does that look like?

Start walking.

Go get your massage once in a while.

Maybe you need to spend more time in nature alone.

Maybe you need to reach out to friends.

Maybe you need to start having lunch with your old friends.

Self-care could be anything from getting your nails done once a week to meditating,

To taking a bubble bath,

To spending time alone,

To reading a book that you've been needing to read or meaning to read.

It could be anything from going back to synagogue or going back to church or getting in touch with old high school friends.

So self-care means that you're now redirecting your energy towards yourself.

You're starting to look within and you're starting to value yourself and your needs.

Do you need to paint?

Do you want to paint?

Do you want to take a dance class?

It's time for you to redirect the energy away from the narcissist and towards you.

11,

Super important.

If you know that you're leaving a narcissist,

Start saving your money.

Don't tell anybody.

You don't tell people that you're prepping to live alone perhaps one day.

You start saving your money so that you can rent a room or you can rent an apartment for a couple of months,

Or you have a friend who has an apartment that you can rent from or has a room in their house that you can stay in temporarily and you pay them a couple of bucks to help you get through to the next phase of your life.

But you start preparing for the next stage.

Why?

Because most people live in such denial and they wait until everything goes haywire before they're making decisions.

And that's just not necessary.

So if you follow these steps,

It's going to be a lot easier for you to end a relationship with someone who is highly narcissistic because you will be prepared for it.

So start saving your pennies.

The 12th thing that I would keep in mind is that when you do decide to have that conversation,

Be firm,

Rely on all of these strategies that I've offered you,

Review them and be firm in your decision.

The last thing that you want to do is be wishy-washy with the narcissist because there are narcissists that will,

Okay,

They go through the breakup with you,

But they're not happy that you ended it.

And so they hoover you back in oftentimes just so that they can drop you.

So when you're sure that you want to end this relationship,

Don't be wishy-washy.

Be firm,

End it and go no contact.

Make it very,

Very clear what your boundaries are.

Now I want to share with you what you should not do if you're leaving a narcissist.

Dear one,

Don't poke the bear.

Do not poke the bear.

What I mean by that is like,

You don't stand there and argue and fight and defend yourself with someone who has high narcissistic traits.

They are born for this.

Or if it's because of environmental issues,

Because of the way that they grew up and their childhood is the result,

Their childhood is the reason they ended up with narcissism.

You still have to understand they're wired for controversy.

They're wired to drag you into that boxing ring.

They want to roll around in the mud with you.

Narcissists are built for this.

They actually plug into your exasperation.

Seeing you get exasperated drills them.

And so the last thing that you want to do is poke the bear.

The other thing that you don't want to do is tell them your plan.

Do never tell a narcissist what you're planning to do because they will destroy it.

They will get inside your head.

They will convince you that you're wrong,

That you're not seeing things clearly.

Or they'll give you some half-hearted sorry or some half-hearted nonsense story about how wrong that they know that they are.

And they'll hoover you back into the cycle and you'll be there for another year or two years or 12 years.

You never know how long this could go.

Like I said earlier,

Make it your point to not argue.

That means that you surrender to everything that they say.

Surrender just means,

Okay,

Whatever you say.

It doesn't mean that you accept it.

It doesn't mean that you like it.

It just means that you know that this is something that you can't control.

And you know that this is a hot rod that you prefer not to pick up.

So you allow this person to say whatever they want to say.

I call it shutty-shutty.

I call it shutty-shutty because it was a miracle the day I got 20 or 30 text messages on my phone,

On a flip phone one day,

And I ordinarily would react to him.

Once I got my bearings and I understood what I was dealing with and I was free of him,

I found my job and I was doing very,

Very well,

And I had a bunch of clients.

I had more clients than anybody in the wellness center,

And it was just incredible.

And I was feeling good about myself and my ego was feeling good.

I was like,

I'm going to get him back.

I should never have done that because all it did was keep me on this wheel with him.

It kept us energetically connected.

And that day I just said,

I'm not doing this anymore.

He wants to ruin my day.

He wants me to be worried about what he thinks about me.

And I just flipped my phone shut.

So that's where I came up with shutty-shutty.

So don't argue and don't defend,

Just shutty-shutty.

Another thing that you shouldn't do is don't tell them that you think they're a narcissist and this is why you're ending it.

Don't tell them any of that because a narcissist is going to reject that and twist it on you and convince you or try to convince you that you are the wrong one.

So now what happens to your one?

You're depleted spiritually,

You're depleted emotionally,

You're depleted psychically,

You can't eat,

You can't drink,

You can't function,

You can't sleep.

It's a mess.

You can't work.

And your kids can pick up on that.

They know when mom is exhausted.

They know when dad's twisted.

They won't know why,

But they know that you're not there for them.

They know that you're emotionally absent.

They don't know why or what the reason is for why you can't focus and you can't be emotionally present.

So don't tell the narcissist that you're leaving them because you think they're a narcissist.

Last but not least,

Don't allow them to Hoover you back in.

Don't fall for the love bombing.

Don't fall for the empty promises.

If you are looking for information on podcasts,

If you are reading books about narcissism,

If you are Googling what's wrong with my partner,

These are clues that something's up.

I started Googling,

Why is my partner passive aggressive?

Is passive aggressiveness okay?

Is it okay that my partner just stops talking to me?

I started Googling that years and years and years ago before the internet exploded with information about narcissism and just the fact that I was recording conversations that I was looking for support.

I mean,

I went through three or four,

Five therapists looking,

Help,

Help,

Help me.

But once I got the language for codependency and then I got the language for narcissism,

It was like,

Ah,

Lou,

Yeah,

I finally understand what's going on.

I finally understand what I'm doing wrong.

I understand this dynamic and now I'm going to take control over my part of it and do whatever I can to free myself of this nonsense.

So I really hope that this information has been helpful.

Namaste everybody.

Until next time.

Bye for now.