The Art Of Mindful Listening

When was the last time you felt someone was really listening to you?

And on the other side of the coin when was the last time that you really listened to someone else No multitasking.

No looking at text messages on your phone.

No doing the dishes while you're talking to the person That's my own experience.

I'm guilty of that But in all seriousness,

When was the last time you gave someone your undivided attention?

Attention without any agenda but simply to hold a space for them That's probably one of the best gifts that you can give someone and it doesn't cost a penny So we're going to talk about that today the power of listening versus advising and giving opinions and really stepping into this role of a mindful listener and how it can not only change your life,

But Your relationships personally and professionally as well.

So sit back relax and enjoy Welcome to the tranquility talk podcast.

My name is Meg Daly.

I'm so glad you're here.

I I love chatting about interviewing people about everything to do with cultivating more Contentment in your mind your body in your home.

That's why I created this podcast and that's why I created the 30-day reset Which you can check out at Meg K daily calm So whether you are out on a walk or just hanging around the house I'm so honored that you invited me into your world.

So let's get started with this week's episode Okay,

So let's dive into this idea of mindful listening versus being the advisor I was inspired to By the way,

And if you hear some noises in the background,

I have a little birdie visiting.

It's my cousin's My cousin and her family's dog.

She's a little Boston Terrier and she's so cute and She also has to be attached to my hip.

I cannot shut the door because we would hear whining and barking So she's right here She might be nestling around.

She's she's a Boston Terrier So she kind of makes those little funny little noises sometimes with her little smushed up nose.

She's so cute so What really sparked?

Our inspire today's topic is I recently had breakfast with a friend and We were talking about This some inspirational stuff and I said to her.

Oh,

You have to check out this person on Instagram here Let me write it down or I'll text it to you.

And you know,

We were laughing about it and I left the The breakfast thinking.

Oh,

Isn't that funny?

I've really moved away from that because I used to be the person that would really be Oh You have to read this book and you have to listen to this podcast and blah blah blah blah blah and did you try this?

Or did you try that and I would often give my opinion and I would offer advice when it wasn't me when it wasn't even asked for and Over several years.

I've shifted away from that and I just wanted to share a little bit of my story about how I've been on this journey to move from This let me fix this problem.

Let me find the remedy.

Let me figure it out for you You know,

Let me advise you how I've moved from that to instead being a mindful listener or trying to be and offering up a space For people because I think so often we assume We know what people want or what they need or what will fix their their issue when oftentimes it's just they want a space to vent a space to share and Often times that space when they're allowed it Provides them the opportunity to come up with their own solutions and that's really what coaching is about And so I want to take you back to gosh eight years ago almost eight years ago,

And I had a coach and I thought this would be really fun to Get more involved in this and look about look into being a coach and And so I signed up for a certification program through an accredited school Which is accredited through the International Coaching Federation and I had people say oh you don't need to go through that You know anyone can be a coach which yeah,

Anyone can be a coach and I thought I really need to do this and my coach said yes Meg if you want to Truly get into coaching.

You really should go through a program because I was of the mindset of Oh,

Sorry birdie.

I'm sitting here petting her and I just totally poked her in the eye.

Sorry little bee So I was of the mindset that Listen people come to me with their problems and they come to me with their issues and I'm a really good listener and I offer up great advice Boy Was I humbled when I started my courses?

I mean there was a whole six-week course on active listening Another course on powerful questioning another course on the language that we use and it was mind-blowing And the reason it was mind-blowing is because I realized that I was not a good listener that in fact,

I was an interrupter and What I learned was and in fact along the same time when I actually was shortly before I enrolled in this program I was at a party and we were in a group Group of us talking there were like four of us and this gentleman was sharing a story about something and I said,

Oh Yes,

And I interrupted him and I said yes.

I've had the same thing happen to me And oftentimes we interrupt because we're so excited to share that connection with someone else like oh,

Yeah I you know,

I can relate to that and he looked at me and he said,

Excuse me.

I'm speaking and I immediately I immediately just wanted to crawl into the floor and float away.

I was so embarrassed Because I realized how rude I was being by interrupting And but I think it's something we just all do without thinking we get excited.

We want to share we want to help And we're involved in the conversation and we interrupt and we don't realize that in a way when we interrupt We're stealing another person's opportunity to share So I very quickly learned that if you want to be a good listener You don't interrupt and you pause and you're okay with the with the Oh,

What do I call it the moments of space where Something isn't said moments of silence.

And so it was funny when I started talking to my friend I carried this over into my my personal relationships and My friends would you know i'd be on the phone and usually we'd be talking over each other a mile a minute And I wasn't doing that and I was listening and they'd say are you there?

I said,

Oh,

Yeah,

I'm just listening Oh,

Okay,

And then when they were finished talking I would just stop And offer the same thing And then when they were finished talking I would just stop and offer the space to see if they were actually finished and they they'd say Are you there?

Why are you pausing like that?

I'm like,

Well,

I'm just making sure you're finished,

You know that you're complete And they were like,

Okay And so it took a while for them to get used to it and for me And yet it's more of a calm way of interacting I have a friend who is in the same building that I live in and I think she's just an amazing listener and I know she listens to this podcast.

So You know who you are.

She is just uh,

She's a mindful listener.

She doesn't interrupt She really thinks about what you have to say and then when she speaks people listen And she's very witty as well so You know,

We've often talked that about how Frustrating it can be when you're trying to get a point across and someone's interrupting you.

So anyway,

I digress So as i'm going through this journey of learning how i'm not that great of a listener and I'm a bit of an interrupter and i'm a bit of an advice giver It was really eye-opening to me and I feel that when we are conscious of not always being in the advising role an interrupting role and wanting to finish someone's sentence that Relationships can shift a bit in a really beautiful way People feel heard by you.

They feel respected I was At a partner of my father's a business partner of my father's several years ago at his memorial service the common theme was that he made you feel Like you were the only person that mattered in that moment Because he would just be with you.

You were the only person in the world or in the room Because he made you feel so important because he listened he looked you in the eye and he listened intently and he asked good questions And you left that conversation inspired.

I mean who doesn't want to be around someone like that and who doesn't want to Be someone like that that people admire and feel inspired from just being in their presence so Excuse me So my journey it's it's been interesting and I still catch myself like when I was out for breakfast recently And I when I said,

Oh you have to check out this person on instagram You'll love her and try this and try that and blah blah blah blah blah and I walked away and i'm like gosh I just you know,

I verbally vomited all of this advice on this person and she didn't even ask for it So it's interesting when we can move away from that and instead When a friend or a colleague or loved one Comes to you and starts venting rather than jumping in and offering up the solution or advice How about offering up something like well,

What what what do you need from me right now?

That was another thing that my friends would laugh at when I would say well,

What do you need for me right now and they Initially thought I was saying Essentially,

You know,

What do you need from me in a negative way,

But it wasn't a negative way.

It truly was Well,

What do you need from me right now?

And sometimes it's well,

I just need you to listen and sometimes it's well,

I want to know what you would do And I find myself drawn to people that Operate in that mode as well where they really listen And they don't jump to conclusions or assumptions of what I need they instead ask what is it that you need?

And so I wanted to share for this podcast I am going to Give us all a little bit of homework over the next week But I would love to share one of the most profound and life-changing chapters of a book I'm in a very small little book club And I want to share with you.

I'm going to turn my iPad on or flip.

Oh my gosh,

You guys I have to share I just turned it on my niece surprises me With changing the whatever.

What is it called?

Like the photo that's on the screen when you turn your iPad on?

Or your iPad on and I just turned on my iPad And she did a split screen photo.

I don't know how she did that but On the left is the picture of me on day one a year and a half ago when I started my 30 day Well for me it was a 90 day reset giving up alcohol and Then on the right is the picture 90 days later and it's it's shocking the picture of me It's shocking the picture on the left.

Oh my gosh,

She that just about gave me a start when I turned on my iPad that little stinker Anyway,

Okay so I want to read this chapter for you because it's it it speaks to this idea of Are we listening so we can are we listening so we can?

Are we listening for areas of the conversation where we can come up with advice for someone or we can be the hero?

Or the Savior or are we just really listening?

And holding that space When I first started coaching I put John Cabot's in quote on my mirror and I read it every day And I would say it in my head when I would coach clients and my mind would start to wander Or I would jump ahead while they were speaking to think of a good question.

I could ask them And I wasn't being present.

I would go back to this quote and the quote goes I pay attention on purpose in the moment as if my life depended upon it John Cabot's in is I think he he runs the mindfulness program out at the University of Massachusetts and has He has written several books on mindfulness and he's he's like he's like the guru of mindfulness But I pay attention on purpose in the moment as if my life depended upon it And I still use that quote when I feel like i'm getting distracted and my mind starts to wander when i'm talking to anyone You know,

I pay attention on purpose in the moment come back come back to whoever is in front of you or whatever you are doing And then this is the um,

I'm it's story time so you can get a little cozy I've got little birdie staring at me Birdie do you want a little story time?

She's got her head hanging on my hand here So this is the chapter it's called stop trying to fix me love me instead.

So this is a good um,

Two full pages.

So just sit back and relax and we're gonna have a little story time here Please don't try to fix me.

I am not broken I have not asked for your solutions.

By the way,

This is from jeff foster's book It's called the joy of true meditation and it's just short little chapters and I love it Okay,

Please don't try to fix me.

I am not broken.

I have not asked for your solutions When you try to fix me you unintentionally activate deep feelings of unworthiness shame failure even suicidal self-doubt within me I can't help it.

I feel like I have to change to please you transform myself just to take away your anxiety Mend myself to end your resistance to the way I am And I know I can't do that not on your urgent timeline Anyway,

You put me in an impossible bind when you try to fix me.

I feel so powerless I know your intentions are loving I know you really want to help You want to serve you want to take away people's pain when you see it?

You want to uplift awaken?

Caretake educate inspire You truly believe that you are a positive compassionate Unselfish nice good kind pure spiritual person Good kind pure spiritual person,

But I want you to know honestly my friend I actually feel deeply unloved When you try to quote love me in this old way It feels like you're trying to relieve your own tension when you attempt to fix me I feel treated like a broken object that needs mending Under the guise of you being kind and helpful and spiritual I feel suffocated smothered rejected Shamed and completely unloved when you try to fix me I feel abandoned in your love Do you get that?

I feel like you don't actually care about me Even though on the surface it sure looks like you care But deep down it feels like you are holding an image of how I should be your image not mine It looks like your love,

But it feels like your violence do you understand?

As soon as you stop trying to help me You are of the greatest help to me I stopped trying to change to please you I feel safe respected seen honored for what I am I can fall back into my own subjective power.

I can trust myself again the way you are trusting me.

I can relax deeply Without your pressure Your demand for me to abandon myself and be different healed transformed enlightened awakened mended quote-unquote better I can better see myself I can discover my own inner resources I can touch my own powerful presence.

I feel safe enough to allow and express my true feelings thoughts desires hold my own perceptions I no longer feel smothered a victim Excuse me a little child to your expert adult The courageous warrior in me rises.

I breathe more deeply.

I feel my feet on the ground Loving attention drenches my experience even the uncomfortable parts My senses feel less dull Healing energies emerge from deep within I feel light free liberated from your disapproval I feel respected not shamed Seen as a living thing Not able to be compared with an image You have to be able to be compared with an image You help me so much when you stop trying to help me friend I need my own answers my own truth.

Not yours.

I want a friend present and real Someone to hold me as I break and heal not an expert or a savior or someone trying to stop me Going through my process And do you see when you are trying to save me you are actually abandoning yourself You are running from your own discomfort your own unlived potential and focusing on mine I become your ultimate distraction I don't want to be that for you anymore So let's stop trying to fix or save each other Let's love each other instead Bow to each other bless each other hold each other as we are as we actually actually are Okay,

So I love that chapter because when I read it I was like whoa That's like my friend writing to me because i'm I fall into the trap of trying to be the fixer the pleaser And i'm guessing if you're in this community You understand that?

A lot of you are highly sensitive you're empathic and you can pick up on other people's discomfort and pain and you want to make it Right,

So you get out the books you get out the podcasts you get out the list of recommendations The therapists the healers the this the that and you load your friend up and here's the thing Your friend is on their own journey And to take that experience away from them by trying to fix them It It negates what you're really trying to do And what you're you know,

You want the end result to be you want your friend to feel better But the cool thing is we all have our power our own power To get to that place to get to that destination So where does that leave us it leaves us with a little experiment this week what I would love for you to do Is I would love for you to number one Pay attention On purpose in the moment as if your life depended upon it Whether you're driving speaking to your child Speaking with a colleague Having dinner whatever it may be Pay attention on purpose in the moment Number two resist the urge To step in and make things right to advise to give your opinion to stay in your lane And stay in the moment and offer that space Let people make their own mistakes.

Obviously,

You know sometimes you can't do that You don't want people making a a deadly mistake,

You know,

But um i'm talking about Well,

I'll give an example So when my first niece lived with me she was making dinner one night and she reached for the Light olive oil extra virgin olive oil instead of the grapeseed oil And i'm thinking oh no,

She's not supposed to use that when she's frying stuff You know the extra virgin olive oil blah blah blah and I stepped in and this was her dinner that she was making The two of us and I stepped in i'm like,

You know,

You really should be using grapeseed oil blah blah blah And she's like,

Oh I thought this was fine And even just that little Moment and it wasn't bad that I recommended that but I walked away from it and into the other room feeling like I Diminished her experience a little bit Now that's a very small example.

I don't think anything's wrong with explaining but maybe I didn't need to do it in that moment Maybe I could have waited for another time To share that information with her And You know what i'm talking about when you give this unsolicited advice Now i've got niece number two Who just moved in with me and um niece number one moved out niece number two moved in and There have been a few moments where she'll do things that are different than me in the kitchen and i'm about to jump in and advise And I just stop And I think to myself just stay in the moment meg let her have her space she's not asking you for your opinion So Let her do her thing And we can practice that in little ways And incorporating so it's it's really twofold It's mindful listening when you're in conversation or when you're engrossed in an activity and it's also resisting that urge To step in and offer solutions and advice unless they are requested My niece would have said to me.

Hey meg.

Should I use this oil or that oil?

You know?

Yeah,

Then no I think I would use the grapeseed oil,

You know in the moment But when people are doing their thing Just let them do their thing And I'd love to hear from you on how this works for you on on any ahas that you have like whoa I Realized how much I was interrupting And when you're in conversation with your boss and when you're in conversations pay attention pay attention to Are you able to let people finish speaking?

Are you able to let them have a space even after they're finished speaking?

Are you?

Thinking ahead of what you're going to respond with without really listening to what they have to say And also pay attention to the people in your life Who offer you that space versus?

You know,

Maybe talking over you or interrupting And it's just it's fascinating and this isn't an opportunity or or anything like this to to judge people Or blame people it's all it is is an awareness activity this week to really pay attention to the power Of listening.

I mean how many people really give you their full attention?

It's such a gift and it doesn't cost a dime And it goes so far In fact,

I equate mindful listening right up there with writing handwritten thank you notes Oh my gosh,

Who does that anymore?

It's so old school and I love it I have a friend who actually passed over about three years ago And just for fun She would just send a postcard or little notes to a couple people every day and you know every so often i'd be in the rotation And I would just get this beautiful postcards,

You know a few of which i've i've saved And I keep they're just gorgeous And she would always write a note You know if it was her birthday or you know,

We did something special for her even if we just went out for lunch I get this really cute note So it's just the special little things that can really create more connection in our lives with the people we love and with ourselves and one of them is this act of listening and not always having to be the solution finder With that I am going to hang up because little miss birdie has got her ears back and she's staring at me starting to whine So I think we need to go outside Little birdie I am with you.

I am listening I am paying attention to you in the moment right now as if my life depended upon it Oh a little slap happy this week on the podcast anyway have a wonderful week and I will see you soon.

And hey if you're thinking about it want to give alcohol a 30-day reset Reevaluate your habit with alcohol hop on over to megkdaily.

Com You can check out the program and if you want a little peek into the community you can join The facebook group.

It's a private closed group,

But you can find it live more drink less It's in the episode notes and you can join it for free You can join it for free.

I do my weekly workshop in there and you can check that out.

So,

All right.

Have a great week everyone Bye.

Bye If you like today's episode feel free to share with a friend And as always you can check out my free three-day challenge if you're interested in taking a break from the habit of alcohol You can check out the details at megkdaily.

Com as well as my 30-day reset and as always You can join my private group over on facebook called tranquility talk.

I'd love to see you there So until next time have a wonderful day