Reflecting On Your Intention – Closing The Half-Day Retreat

Hi there.

Hi,

Philippa.

Welcome back.

Hi,

Cara.

Richard.

Let's see who else is back.

Lindsay.

And Theresa Marie.

Good thing we could adjust our schedule.

Sounds like there was some adjustments needed.

No problem.

No problem.

That's exactly.

.

.

Our schedules,

Like our routines,

Should be up for.

.

.

We want to be flexible with those things.

We don't want them to ruin us.

Oh,

Sorry,

Paul.

You missed out on the first.

Well,

As it so happens,

I am recording this.

So I think I probably will put it up.

Yeah.

I'm going to have to get to the recording,

But I think I will.

Yeah.

Okay.

And hi,

Emily from Italy.

Welcome.

So who's.

.

.

Are there a couple people here that weren't in the first session?

So Paul wasn't here for the first session.

Is anyone else that wasn't here for the first session?

I'm going to assume there's a couple that haven't.

.

.

Weren't here earlier.

But for those of you that do,

Emily,

You were.

Yeah.

And Jason,

You are sparkling new.

Oh,

I love it.

And Misha,

You were towards the end.

So hopefully you did have the time for the silent part,

For the private retreat.

So any thoughts from anyone,

Any reflections,

Anything that you want to share or any questions before I kind of go into a talk,

Kind of guiding us a little bit further on these retreats?

Yeah,

Tanya,

That's a great,

Great topic about resistance.

Yeah,

Just noticing.

I mean,

That's one of the things that we notice in these little mini retreats,

In the longer retreats.

I mean,

And hopefully that we are noticing in our days as well,

You know,

Being mindful through our day.

But sometimes because our practice can often be so compartmentalized from day to day,

Like we do our morning meditation and then we're off to the races,

We don't always see the resistance of how much that we are resisting,

Whether it's resisting our meditation practice,

Resisting our health challenges,

Resisting our partner making noise while we're trying to meditate,

Right?

We don't often see it.

And yet resistance is running so much of our lives.

So the ego,

The separate self really arises out of desire and aversion,

Right?

Chasing and resisting,

Wanting,

Not wanting,

Right?

These are the ways in which we come out of the present moment when we're resisting what it is that's happening.

Even resisting,

Having the silence and the space that we're giving ourselves for a personal retreat,

Like we start resisting that we don't even realize,

Like,

My God,

This resisting is running so much of my life.

So it's so important for us to see the resistance because the problem isn't that you're having too many thoughts during your meditation or that you're feeling uncomfortable or that your partner's being too loud.

The problem is the story you're telling yourself about why this shouldn't be happening.

That's the problem.

That's the challenge.

And so for us to see that resisting,

Oh,

There it is again.

I'm pushing back on what's happening right now.

I am pushing back on life,

Right?

This is what's arising in this moment.

We talked about this yesterday in our Sangha about contentment,

That spaciousness that meets life where it is.

And we're not meeting life where it is when we're resisting what it is that's happening.

It doesn't mean that we can't very kindly,

Very gently ask your partner or someone in the household if they could be a little bit quieter.

It doesn't mean they're going to,

But it doesn't mean that we can't ask.

It doesn't mean that if we're experiencing some health issues,

If we're experiencing some discomfort,

Right,

That we can't do a little bit of movement,

We can't take some Tylenol or some Ibuprofen or go to the doctor or go have a massage or to go and do something to help it.

It doesn't mean that we can't do something,

But that we're not resisting it in our minds.

So that you saw that,

That you saw the resisting,

Because you're asking about it,

Tanya,

So you saw it.

Great.

The more that you can see the resisting,

That is what's taking you away from your peace.

Not whatever it is that's happening,

But the way that you're relating to what's happening.

So it's such a good reminder for us as well to keep looking at this.

Ah,

Here's the resisting again.

I'm the one causing the problem.

Again,

It was me.

It was happening here all along.

It wasn't out there.

So when we see that,

When we recognize that mind movement of resisting,

Right,

That we're mindful,

We recognize it.

Here it is,

Right?

And we can come in and breathe and feel resistance.

This is what resistance feels like.

I'm the one that's doing this.

I'm the one that's creating the contraction in my body.

I'm the one that's creating that unpleasant sensation.

And now I know what resistance feels like.

And I'm not pushing the resistance away,

Right?

We're not doubling down on resistance,

But we're feeling it.

We're saying,

Yeah,

This is resistance.

Oh my gosh.

And as I accept the feelings of resistance,

So now you're no longer resisting because you're accepting the feelings,

The embodied experience of it.

And then you start to feel a little bit more spacious and more at ease.

And the same thing's going on.

Maybe someone's making some loud noise,

But all of a sudden it's not a bother anymore because you're not commenting on it.

You're not pushing back on it in your thoughts.

So it's always how we're relating to it.

So resistance,

We really want to be looking out for resistance.

It is such a powerful mind movement that we fall into so much of the time.

We're really,

It's like one foot on the accelerator,

One foot on the brake all day long.

You know,

Sometimes it feels a little bit more than it's on the brake,

The resistance,

But then it's just flipping back and forth.

And we're the ones that get burned out because of it.

So we want to really notice that resisting,

To notice when we're doing it.

It's powerful when you recognize when you're resisting in the moment.

Right.

So just notice for the rest of the day,

You know,

And in fact,

Always like chasing and resisting,

Right?

Those are the two main mind movements.

And I have,

And it's on my teacher's page because I have a lot of,

From kind of my beginners,

It's not in the course section,

But on my talks,

A whole series of mantras of peace is not chasing,

And I have a whole class on that.

Peace is not resisting,

Peace is not comparing,

Peace is not judging,

And peace is not narrating.

Because these are really the five ways in which we think that give rise to the separate self.

And so what I'm doing in there,

And it's a beginner's entry into meditation,

Is to point people into how you are taking yourself away from peace.

Because I think that's also very helpful to understand we're the ones,

It's these habits that keep taking us away.

So peace is not resisting,

Peace is not chasing,

Peace is not comparing,

Peace is not judging,

Peace is not narrating.

So that's all there for if you want to take a look.

And then just where,

And I'll just follow up with your follow-up question,

Tanya,

To help distinguish between resistance and when discernment or action is required.

So I think in the first,

In the acknowledgement that,

Ah,

This is resisting,

This,

Here it is,

This is it,

Right?

So you're aware of it now.

You're aware that the resisting is the primary problem.

The noise may not be pleasant that you're hearing,

But I guarantee you what's worse than the noise,

The sound coming in from a party,

From what your neighbor is doing,

The sound from inside,

They shouldn't be doing this.

This is so awful.

I should say this to them,

Right?

All of these ways in which we push back,

That is far more painful,

Far more painful than the actual noise.

The sound,

In fact,

The sound that's coming in,

I mean,

Yes,

There's a little bit of an effect on our nervous system if it's a particularly heavy sound,

An aggressive sound,

Right?

Yes,

There's a little bit of an effect on our nervous system,

But if we don't resist it,

It just comes in and it moves through us.

But it's that we tighten up and we try and push back on it when,

In fact,

All we're doing is making our experience worse.

So the first thing is the recognizing it,

Right?

Ah,

Here it is,

Coming in feel,

Right?

You've got to come to that spaciousness,

Right?

So we want to recognize what's happening.

We want to accept what's happening,

Right?

This is the RAIN,

R-A-I-N,

Recognize what's happening,

Accepting what's happening,

Right?

So breathing in,

Feeling what's here,

Right?

And as you do that,

You're coming out of the resisting story,

You're in the body,

You're in the present moment,

You're with what's happening.

And as you breathe and you feel,

You start to feel more grounded,

You start to feel more safe,

You start to feel more at ease.

And then in that way,

You're now able to investigate,

Okay,

What's the problem here?

Oh,

I'm resisting,

That's the problem,

Right?

Doesn't mean that now,

Okay,

I've identified that,

Right?

I've identified there's a problem,

Right?

And so I am the problem,

I'm the primary problem,

But with wisdom and compassion,

Now that we've been able to settle ourselves down,

Now that we're understanding where the main problem is,

Now we can act in a discerning way.

Okay,

The noise is rather loud.

Maybe if you are meditating,

You think,

You know what,

Maybe I'll just do a guided meditation and put my headset on.

Maybe I'll put the fan on that can be quite loud and drown out some of the noise.

You know,

Maybe I'll just go for a walk instead.

Or maybe I will ask them,

Maybe I will ask them in a little while or what's appropriate.

I mean,

If they're mowing the lawn or something,

It's the middle of the day,

It's perfectly reasonable for what they're doing.

But from that standpoint of feeling a little bit more grounded and okay,

We can then go and decide what's the best action and act not in an action that means that they're going to necessarily comply with what we ask,

But that we did what we could and then I did my best and we'll see what happens because now life is going to be arising in another moment in another way.

And if we're always resisting,

If we're always trying to get everything to suit,

Like everything should be catered to how I feel what I want,

Then we are never going to feel satisfied.

We're never going to feel happiness.

We're never going to feel peace because the whole world is not going to bend to our needs.

And it's really that view that we have as me as the center of the universe and therefore everyone should be doing what I want.

This is the wrong view.

The view is that,

Oh,

I am a part of the universe arising based on all these conditions in the universe.

I am a part of this.

I'm interdependent,

Interconnected.

And again,

This one here can have an effect over there,

But that effect should be coming out of wisdom and compassion,

Not out of ignorance,

Not out of resisting,

Of chasing,

Of grasping.

I hope that helped Tanya.

I hope that helped.

Okay,

I'll just go back to see some other comments here.

So yeah,

Philippa,

You had a schedule,

But you had to swap some things around.

Yeah,

No problem.

No problem at all.

You know,

And we do,

We want to be flexible with our schedules.

Oh,

And Nancy,

You're not feeling well,

So practice being kind to yourself.

Self-compassion,

That's still your practice.

Yeah,

If you're feeling the flu,

You know,

You have the flu,

Sorry,

You're feeling awful.

Yeah,

It's a little more difficult to practice under those conditions,

Right?

Hard to breathe through the nose.

But you know what?

You can be lying in bed and spend a few minutes of self-compassion.

Well,

Sweetheart,

This is tough.

This is hard.

Yeah,

It is.

And being with what's here,

Right?

So you can still practice.

It's just that a different practices or a different way of approaching your practice is needed.

Yeah,

And Holly,

So you were getting back to your morning writing and then very aware of how much your mind springs from here to there and everywhere.

Yeah,

Again,

That's what I think the mini retreats do for us.

They give us that additional space that we need to really see what's going on in the mind,

Right?

It really helps us to,

Like Tanya was seeing the resistance,

Filippo was seeing that I need to make some flex,

I need to make some changes in the schedule and be okay with that.

And then you were seeing like,

Yeah,

My mind really is all over the place.

I didn't even realize it.

Sometimes we're just moving so quickly through life,

We just don't even realize what's happening.

So I'm so glad you saw that.

Oh,

And I'm so glad,

Teresa Marie,

That yeah,

You've gotten a little off on the eating.

I think a lot of people did with the holidays.

And so back to some mindful eating.

Great.

Yeah,

No problem.

We all have those little moments,

Right?

And I have a talk on this too.

I think I must have 150 talks on there.

Yeah,

Probably over 100 for sure.

Begin again,

Begin again,

Begin again.

That's built into our practice.

This is a gradual path.

And so knowing that it is a gradual path means that we also make steps backwards,

Right?

We do make steps backwards.

And the moment that we recognize it,

Ah,

Begin again,

Begin again.

No judgment,

No punishing ourselves.

No,

I'm a bad practitioner.

Just begin again,

Begin again,

Begin again.

The more that we can remember that,

The more quickly we come back to the path,

The more present we are,

The more open we are,

The more spacious we are,

The more at peace we are.

Just begin again.

Oh,

Sandy,

Making space for the sangha.

Were you here for the first half?

I don't think you were here for this morning.

I don't know if I saw you this morning.

Okay.

And Emily,

Oh,

You're very,

Very welcome.

Oh,

I'm so,

So glad to hear it.

Sounds like you got a lot out of the retreat today.

I'm so glad to hear that.

Rick,

Great insight.

Great insight.

Mindfully eating,

Watching the snow,

And then starting to resist the snow.

And isn't it hilarious when we see it like that,

Like as if we could stop the snow,

Right?

As if we could stop our neighbor being loud,

Right?

All of this,

It's all these conditions arising.

We're always thinking we can stop.

I can stop it.

I can push back on this.

And it's like,

No,

Right?

Doesn't mean that if you go outside that you can't put a nice warm coat on,

Or that if you don't have to go outside at all.

Oh,

You missed the first part.

Okay,

Sandy.

Okay.

Well,

You're here now.

It was a little bit different than we've done the half days before.

Just a little bit of a different focus,

Sandy,

That I know you've been on other ones,

But hopefully I will get the recording up on this,

If the conditions arise.

It is being recorded,

So we'll see.

Paul,

For you,

I'm going to really try and make that happen.

Okay.

And yeah,

And Sandy,

I'm just going to add on to what you were saying there about trust is important.

In fact,

I am going to add trust or even faith is an important part of this path,

Right?

Trusting the process,

Trusting that if you're doing your practices,

If you keep beginning again,

If you notice when you're resisting it,

When you notice that you're trying to stop the snow or the rain,

Right?

Anytime that you become aware of what's happening,

Those are all of the conditions that you need in waking up.

So not worrying about this.

Well,

I know today we were really trying to get in touch with the intention of what it is that we want,

But then it's really coming back and really in the reflection questions we did in the meditation and that I gave you to do on the journaling exercise to reflect on what can I be doing?

What should I be doing in this moment?

And trusting that process,

Just to keep trusting it,

To keep trusting it,

Having faith in it.

Okay,

Let's see.

I'm not sure they're reached my life.

Emily,

I'm not sure they are reached my life.

I'm not sure what you were meaning there.

I'm going back to your previous question.

I'm not entirely sure what you're meaning there,

But you can feel free to rewrite it in the comments.

So from Catherine,

You notice the stories that you tell yourself and how these fantasies relate to what you're addicted to and need to sacrifice.

One being too much social media and like it will somehow bring me the peace you're looking for.

Yeah.

So just to clarify that,

We did talk a lot about that yesterday on the sangha.

In fact,

You know,

It is hard giving up these habits,

Particularly the technology habits because they give us such a short-term pleasure.

And the social media giving us this illusion of connection,

This illusion of being a part of something,

Even though it's really very shallow.

In many ways,

It feels very shallow and leads to a lot of comparing and feeling,

In fact,

More disconnected in the end.

So pace yourself,

Right?

So you're aware of it.

Great.

Fantastic.

Pace yourself.

And even if it's just,

Again,

How we approach these things,

I mean,

Depends on what it is that we're dealing with,

But something like this.

I mean,

Some people just will go cold turkey on it.

But sometimes you can also just say,

You know what,

Before I go on there,

I'm going to do five minutes of mindful breathing,

Right?

Breathe mindfully.

And I'm going to limit myself to 10 minutes being on there,

Right?

Because maybe you do want to connect with some people or you want to see what's going on.

And then I'm done.

And at the end,

I'm going to do five minutes of mindful breathing again,

Right?

So that you're not reaching for social media as a way to complete you as a way that it's going to bring you something,

But it's breathing mindfully first,

Like maybe noticing that craving that's wanting it,

Breathe into that,

Notice the craving,

Find the spaciousness.

Oh yeah,

There's nothing out there that's going to complete me.

It can only ever be done in this moment here,

In this moment.

And you breathe.

And after five minutes,

And you might decide,

You know what,

I don't really want to go on.

Or maybe I'll just go on for five minutes.

And just,

You know,

Kind of limited at first in that way,

Which I think can be a very healthy way to change our relationship to these things as well.

Because sometimes too,

When people say,

Oh,

I've deleted all my social media accounts,

Right?

In fact,

When someone says they've deleted all their social media accounts,

It's almost this capitulation into it.

Like it just has such a hold over me.

I've got to just,

I've got to delete it all.

I can't possibly manage it.

And I think there is,

But the problem is that it's not really addressing the craving because it usually just comes out in another way.

So in this way,

You're feeling the craving,

You're noticing it,

You're becoming more mindful of it.

You're not feeding it right away,

Right?

The craving wants to be fed immediately.

So instead you're breathing,

You're finding that spaciousness,

That peace.

And then,

You know what,

I'll go on for a few minutes and then I'll put it down.

And then I'll put it down and I'll just be more mindful.

I'll pay attention to how I feel around this,

Right?

And even just a practical aspect of this,

And I used to do this with eating.

I did this years and years and years ago because I was craving this burrito from this Mexican restaurant that was right next to our office.

This was years ago.

And anyway,

So I was craving,

I was thinking about the burrito and I was going to get a Diet Coke and it was going to be so good.

And all morning,

I was thinking about this burrito and this Diet Coke.

And then I got the burrito and the Diet Coke.

And I can remember at the end of it feeling awful.

And so for some reason,

I decided then,

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to start quantifying this.

So I would write down on a scale of one to 10.

How do I feel before I get the salad?

How do I feel before I get the burrito?

How do I feel before I get the chips,

The fruit,

Whatever it is?

There wasn't social media then,

But the news,

Whatever it was,

Whatever the kind of craving was for.

And I would write down like what I was feeling like with the burrito.

I'd be like,

Oh,

I'm feeling like an eight or a nine.

I'm super excited about it.

And then halfway through eating it,

I would also write now how am I feeling?

And it's just a number.

So I could do it really quickly.

I could just quickly go,

Oh,

I'm kind of feeling like a seven or so,

Like halfway through.

And then afterwards,

How am I feeling?

Oh,

I'm feeling more like a three or a four.

And then I would,

You know,

Of course,

The days to get the salad,

How excited am I?

Not that excited.

Six,

Seven.

How am I feeling halfway through?

Actually pretty good.

And eight,

Nine.

How do I feel afterwards?

I feel really good.

Nine,

10.

And it was just helped me to have just the numbers in front of me to see like,

My God,

I'm following these urges and it's not making me feel good.

In fact,

The feeling bad after the burrito is way worse than the feeling good.

And in fact,

The feeling good ahead of time actually isn't that good because the craving,

When you really look at it,

Does not feel good.

And when we're craving something that we want in this moment,

We're actually resisting this moment.

So anyway,

I find it,

I found that as a helpful little tool.

So if any of you want to try that,

I find that to be quite helpful.

You can use it with YouTube,

With social media,

Netflix,

Just all the different things,

Things that kind of lead us astray.

Okay.

I'm going to get back.

I think Angie,

You had,

Oh,

Could I speak on fully awakening as from,

From one of the earlier questions earlier in the,

In the morning retreat?

I think,

Is that what you mean?

Just in fact,

You,

You wrote again.

Okay.

Yeah.

So just from awakening.

So from a Buddhist perspective,

You know,

Awakening is awakening to the truth of reality,

The nature of reality of how this,

Everything we see in this world,

What is the reality of everything?

And,

And that includes seeing us,

The reality of how we are.

And so when we say like awakening,

It's like,

We're asleep right now.

We're walking around asleep.

We're believing,

We're believing there's this little me,

There's this little Meredith that inherently exists inherently on her own,

Independent of all of this interconnected,

Interdependent,

Causal conditioned world.

But there's something here that is independent and separate from all of this.

And that's who I believe myself to be.

And from that perspective,

I believe I am the center of the universe and everyone should do what I want them to do.

And because they don't do what I want them to do,

I spend a lot of time upset.

I spend a lot of time irritated,

Frustrated,

Right?

Why don't people see me like this?

They should see me in this way.

Why are they doing that over there?

That's bothering me,

Right?

Even when it has nothing to do with me.

So it's seeing,

So we're asleep.

We are lost in this,

Like we have this little VR headset on,

And we see ourselves in this VR headset as though that's reality.

Me,

The separate independent being over here,

And everything else is outside of it.

So what we are awakening to is the reality of nature.

That this little me that I,

This thought created me,

That I've taken to be me,

My whole life is simply an illusion that arises through thoughts.

And it can be a helpful illusion,

As long as we know it's an illusion.

But it is not me.

But because all of my attention is going up into the VR headset,

Paying attention to that little me and what it wants,

It wants to get over there.

It needs to be over there to be happy.

It needs this to be out of its way to be happy,

Because our attention is up here all the time.

What we're not paying attention to is the reality of how everything is arising moment by moment,

Interdependent,

Interconnected,

Empty of inherent existence.

Nothing is arising independently.

And the seeing of this,

Right,

The seeing through this illusion,

It's like this veil drops,

And you're realizing,

Oh my God,

I am a part of this amazing,

Unbelievable experience that's happening here moment by moment,

But I wasn't paying attention to it.

I didn't feel the richness of this moment,

Feeling it and experiencing it through my senses.

I wasn't feeling what's here.

I wasn't seeing what's here.

I was missing.

It's like we're having this amazing 3D,

4D experience,

And yet we go up into this almost 2D experience and go,

No,

No,

I'll take that one instead.

But it's not reality.

So what we are awakening to is the reality of nature,

Of everything here in the universe,

Including us,

That I'm not separate from the universe.

Each of us is arising as the universe,

That we couldn't not be a part of this.

And so much of this existential crisis that we feel today,

Particularly in the modern world,

Where there's so much feelings of unworthiness,

Of not belonging,

Of not being lovable,

Of being alone,

Of being lonely,

Of feeling separate,

Is because when my attention is on the separate self,

When my attention,

When my thoughts,

When I'm thinking about myself and believing that little me,

That representation to be who I am,

I believe I am separate.

But when you see through that illusion,

And the illusion falls away,

And you see reality as it is,

There's this feeling,

This knowing of connection,

Like you can be perfectly on your own somewhere and not feel lonely,

Because you're a part of this.

We're all arising interdependent,

Interconnected in each and every moment,

Based on each other,

Based on the snow,

Based on the rain,

Based on the wind,

Based on the dogs,

Based on the insects,

Based on the trees,

Based on our biology,

Based on our DNA,

Based on what we're consuming in our media,

In our mouths,

What we're not consuming,

All of this is affecting how we're arising moment by moment.

It's not that there's not something here.

This is what we confuse with awakening,

That we,

If we're,

And I've used this analogy before,

If you're walking down the street,

And you see what appears,

It's dark,

And you see something that appears to be a snake in the road,

And you stop,

And you,

Oh my gosh,

It's a snake,

And then you put your flashlight on the snake,

And then you see,

Oh no,

It's not a snake,

It's a rope,

It's a rope.

The snake couldn't have appeared if the rope wasn't there.

The ego couldn't appear if there wasn't something here.

There is something here.

What we are is a process.

We are an activity,

Not a solid,

Independent thing.

We take ourselves to be so solid and real,

When in fact,

We are an interdependent,

Interconnected,

Changing,

Arising,

Or arising,

Changing moment by moment by moment.

There is nothing solid here.

And this is what we are awakening to,

Reality,

To flow in reality.

To flow,

To let go,

Means to see reality.

I'm not controlling,

Not controlling the snow,

Not controlling the rain,

I'm not controlling the weather,

I'm not controlling what the next thought is that comes out of this mouth,

Or pops in this head,

Or comes out of this mouth.

I don't know what it's going to be.

I'm not controlling any of this.

And as we've discussed,

You know,

On our Sangha calls,

On the Tuesday Sanghas,

You know,

It's not that we fall apart through this understanding,

Because as the grasping falls away,

As we start to see reality,

That we're not controlling it.

What's arising in its place is wisdom and compassion,

And now we're acting out of wisdom and compassion.

Yes,

The noise is too much,

And it's 2am.

It's appropriate to go and ask them to turn it down.

They may not do it,

But I can go and ask.

You know,

It doesn't mean that we can't go and say things that are appropriate,

But the way that we ask for things,

Too,

Are much more likely to have positive results,

Because we're not doing it from a straight state of grasping.

We're not doing it from a place of accusing others,

Of hating others.

You know,

Think of how much hatred there is right now in the world,

Simply through politics.

Hating someone for their views and opinions,

As though we independently somehow came up with our own views and opinions.

They're all the result of causes and conditions,

Our DNA,

Part of those conditions,

All of the information that's been building in us,

You know,

Through these causes and conditions,

But all causal,

All conditioned,

Because we don't see reality.

So,

Awakening,

Awakening,

Angie,

In this,

In the Buddhist context,

In the typical Buddhist context,

In Zen,

There's often a lot of,

Like,

Instant,

Not really instant enlightenments,

Really a lot of practice,

Practice,

Practice,

And then,

I guess they would say instant enlightenment,

Satori.

But in general,

In most Buddhist practices,

This is a gradual awakening.

We have moments,

Deep insights,

Where we see,

Oh,

You see it so clearly,

You see there is no thing,

Thing,

Thing,

No thing here,

No one here,

Something here,

A process arising and changing moment by moment,

Interdependent,

Interconnected.

And every time we have those insights,

Every time we see that,

The grasping falling away,

And the wisdom and compassion arising in its place,

And we start to trust,

We start to trust a lot more,

Exactly what you're saying,

Emma,

We're trusting the living in the now,

Because we don't trust it now,

We think we're holding it all together.

We think we've been holding this all together our whole lives through our thoughts.

We've just been causing ourselves a lot of suffering,

Probably those around us,

Too.

But we don't trust the now,

Because we think,

No,

No,

No,

I've got to,

If I were to let go,

This whole thing is going to fall apart.

It's not going to fall apart.

You're going to start flowing more in reality,

In the present moment,

Be more peaceful,

More at ease.

Doesn't mean that there won't still be challenges,

There always are,

That's part of life.

But you're not grasping at it,

You're not,

Oh,

Why did this happen?

This shouldn't be happening anymore.

Right?

Yeah,

Sometimes people are unkind.

Sometimes people take advantage of us.

Sometimes there's misunderstandings.

Yeah,

That's all still going to happen.

It's just that you won't suffer over it anymore.

And the response most often,

And,

You know,

From a perspective of misunderstandings or having a difficulty with someone,

That we use our practice as loving kindness,

Tonglen,

So that we always keep our heart open,

Because that's going to be a part of life.

But in seeing reality,

When you're seeing reality,

The compassion is there along with it.

Oh,

How could I be upset with them?

They're the result of their causes and conditions.

How could I be upset with myself for saying something that just sounded a little bit,

You know,

I thought it was going to be funny and didn't sound funny,

Right?

No harm.

Oh,

Couldn't have done anything differently,

Causes and conditions.

And that doesn't,

We don't fall back on this,

Oh,

I'm not responsible for anything anymore.

This is what we kind of think.

We go to this nihilistic view,

If it's not rooted in wisdom and compassion.

And on a spiritual path,

Of course,

This is what we're preventing from happening,

Is going to that nihilistic view.

Instead of recognizing,

No,

There's wisdom and compassion in its place.

I can still feel remorse,

And I can do my practice.

I can do my Tonglen,

And maybe I can include myself in my Tonglen,

Or I can do some self-compassion.

So we keep trusting our practice is guiding us to seeing reality,

To seeing it.

Every time you get a glimpse,

Nurture that insight,

Nurture those insights.

Really,

You know,

Spend time with it,

Contemplate it,

Journal about it.

Deepen it,

Keep that imprint going there.

Don't get lulled into this insight in that,

Oh,

I'm just,

I'm there.

Because those also come and go,

Right?

But the more that we,

Oh,

Okay,

This is,

I'm seeing it,

I'm seeing it.

How can I keep seeing this?

Not in a grasping way,

But how can I reflect on this?

How can I deepen my understanding of this?

Because this is a gradual path.

And what we do in each insight,

What we do in each moment of really clearly seeing,

That's part of the process,

Part of the path.

And thank you,

Nancy.

Thank you for the donation.

Thank you.

And Gee,

I'm going to come back to yours because if I don't come back here,

I'm not going to be able to see some of the previous questions,

But I will get to your question because it's such a good one.

Gee,

So I know I saw the last one.

Okay,

So Angie and Rick are talking about the snow.

Yeah,

And Beth,

That's beautiful.

We're just,

We're just,

We're humans and we are trying to get better.

That's exactly right.

We are humans.

What we're not trying to become on this path is something other than human.

We're humans.

The Buddha was a human.

Ramana Maharshi,

I see someone's got Ramana Maharshi as his avatar or her avatar.

He was a human.

But he understood that a human is an interdependent,

Interconnected arising,

Fluid,

Changing moment by moment.

Yeah,

And the more that we recognize that we're not trying to be perfect,

You're not going to be,

A full awakening does not mean perfection,

Does not mean mistakes don't happen.

It's recognizing,

Yeah,

Yeah,

Having this human experience means mistakes happen.

Apologize when necessary.

It's okay to feel that remorse,

To feel it,

Not to beat ourselves up about it in a story,

Feel it,

Okay.

Do what we need to do to try and clean it up if we can.

That the wisdom and the compassion to know that that is what having a human experience is.

And we are human and we want to be human.

For whatever reason we are these humans,

We are,

There is this experience arising as a human.

So be the human,

Be the human having this experience.

The human being,

Sorry,

The being,

Because this is what this all is,

Is a verb.

It's all an ING,

An activity,

A process.

Oh,

Sorry,

Aviva,

Sorry,

Your questions,

I'm so sorry,

I'm just now getting to this.

Actually,

We started this morning,

We started a few hours ago doing this little half day retreat.

So what is coming or are we at the end?

So I'm just going to address a few more questions and I do want to talk for just a few minutes about incorporating more personal retreats in our life and just,

And I'll kind of even shorten it down a little bit,

But I'm just going to address a little bit more on boundaries as well and hopefully get to a short meditation because I am just realizing the time now.

So thank you,

Aviva,

For bringing my attention to that.

So that's going to be the rest of our talk here.

And let's just see.

Okay.

I'm just going to see if there's anything like really,

Because a lot of them are comments and I just agree as I'm going through,

I'm just agreeing,

You know,

Internally.

And just thank you for all of the nice comments as well.

The junk food aisle,

Okay,

We're all relating to that.

Yeah,

Richard,

So in the politics,

That's good to note that,

Yeah.

It's really we're not helping the discourse,

I don't think.

Okay,

So G,

We're going to get down to your question.

I think that we maybe we'll have gotten to the end of them and then I'll kind of come into the talk here.

So,

So you're saying you can still work things out with others when you feel you should let them go too.

I think I was,

I was reading it differently before.

I can still work things out.

Oh,

Yeah.

So if actually I'm just agreeing with what you're saying.

Yes.

Yeah.

You can,

And really working things out with others.

So much of the time,

Again,

We can do what we can,

We can apologize,

We can say that we're sorry for the misunderstanding,

We can try and clarify.

But then we also if that person then,

You know,

Is out of our life for a little while,

We also just have to let them go.

But letting them go with an open heart,

Still keeping them in our heart with compassion.

So always,

And I find doing a little tonglen is always very helpful.

Tonglen meditation practice is a way to always keep our hearts open to even those that we're having misunderstandings with.

And not from this perspective that,

Oh,

I'm,

Oh,

They're the ones that misunderstood and I'm not.

Because,

You know,

We're,

We're both on both sides,

It's happening from what's all happening interrelated.

But yeah,

Not from this perspective of,

Oh,

Well,

They're just not getting it,

Right?

Or something like that.

But just to understand,

Like,

Sometimes,

Misunderstandings arise,

Sometimes confusion is there.

And I've been on that side of having confusion,

I've been on that side of having misunderstanding.

And I know,

You know,

Sometimes other people are on the other side.

And the more compassion that we can have for each other in those situations,

The better.

Sorry,

And thank you,

Catherine,

Thank you for the donation.

And so,

Oh,

So,

Gee,

You're saying,

How do I clarify that I'm sorry if they block me?

Yeah,

If they block you,

What I would suggest the only thing you can really do in that moment is your practice.

Do loving kindness practice,

Do tonglen practice on them,

Just to keep your heart open.

So that you're not building resentment,

Because we know it will start to turn to resistance.

We know how the mind works,

We know in that,

You know,

We're not happy that they didn't,

That they've blocked us,

And they're not returning our calls,

Or that we aren't able to rectify the situation in some way,

Right?

So there's nothing that we can do in the external.

But we know what happens is that the mind starts feeding on it may not be feeding on it right away.

But maybe,

Maybe at the end of the day,

We're feeling really tired,

We had some other disappointing things happen,

Right?

It's amazing how quickly those stresses stack up.

And then all of a sudden,

We're just looking for things to be irritated about.

And how dare they block me?

And how dare this happen?

Because I was right,

Right?

And then the next thing we're closing our hearts.

So you want to make sure the best thing you can be doing in this situation is opening your heart,

Loving kindness,

Tonglen practice,

Holding them with compassion in your heart.

So that when the moment changes,

When the moment,

If the moment arises,

And I have had this happen with people in the past,

Where there's been,

I shared it a couple years ago with that woman that sent me that horrible text.

And it was unbelievable.

And I blocked her,

By the way,

I responded in a measured way,

Measured.

And I did block her,

Because I also know this situation.

But then I saw her a year later.

And when I saw her,

Because I had been doing tonglen,

Every day I finished my practice with tonglen.

So tonglen is T-O-N-G-L-E-N.

Filippa,

Would you mind just,

Because I know you know the practice,

Would you type that in there for me?

Because every day,

I had been holding her in my heart with compassion.

I knew she was suffering.

I knew that what she was,

She was suffering.

Thank you,

Filippa.

And so when I did see her,

I eventually ran into her.

Right.

And,

And she I saw I see her walking up,

I was at a restaurant.

And I just have big smile.

Hi,

How you doing?

We had a hug.

And then it was just a quickly like,

Okay,

It was great to see you hope you're well and continued on.

I didn't unblock her.

I didn't say let's get together.

Because no,

It's not.

I mean,

Also,

There are consequences for behavior,

But I don't want to hold anyone in.

I don't want to judge anyone.

Because you know what,

If I'd had all her conditions,

I would have responded like that too.

And that is compassion.

That is really understanding compassion from wisdom is like understanding again,

She's just her result of her causes and conditions.

I'm the result of my causes and conditions.

Sometimes I've been the one that's been causing the suffering,

Because of all of the conditions that were arising here.

Right.

And,

And even in that,

You know,

In recognizing that we have,

I know I've shared about my past.

You know,

There was a lot of suffering when I was young,

When I was a teenager,

When I was in my 20s,

So much,

And,

And I wasn't a good person.

I mean,

I wasn't an inherently bad person,

But I did a lot of stuff I'm not proud of.

But I've also recognized those were the causes and conditions,

I feel remorse for anyone I hurt.

But I also had to forgive myself,

Those were the conditions.

And that helps us to forgive others as well to understand,

Not from a place of like,

Oh,

I'm here,

And you're there.

But just understanding,

There but go I,

You know,

For the grace of God,

Right,

For the grace of,

Of awakening there for the for the grace of an insight,

You know,

Those could have been my conditions too.

And that would have been me causing that suffering.

So it's really important that we recognize that.

Right,

That is true compassion.

Yeah,

And I want to just say,

Sarah,

Thank you so much for your donation.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So I hope that helps.

And Holly,

Thank you as well.

Holly,

Thank you.

So,

Emma,

So what to do with all of our opinions on family and politics?

You know,

Our practice,

Our practice should be guiding us here.

Right,

So our practice is not about getting everyone to agree or think the way we think.

And if,

If we can't have dialogues with people,

Like we know there's certain people we can have dialogue with.

And we're just trying to explore ideas.

And we're trying to explore is it the truth or not.

We know there's certain people that we can have those conversations with.

And we know there's certain people that we can't.

And yet,

These are people that we love.

And for whatever reasons,

For whatever causes and conditions,

Their views are different than ours.

It's the understanding of that,

Right,

That their views are their causes and conditions.

And,

And if I have to,

If,

First of all,

When we have,

We think that for some reason,

You know,

I'm right,

Right,

We always think that I'm right,

I have the right view.

When we have most of us,

I would argue all of us,

I will definitely say this one here,

Has been wrong many times in my life,

Many times.

And I thought I was so right,

Until I realized I was wrong.

And I think it's really helpful for us to remember,

I could be wrong.

I could be wrong.

So who am I to inflict all my views and opinions on people that aren't asking for it?

Right,

You're asking for my views and opinions here,

So I'm sharing them.

But in those settings with family around politics,

Things like that,

They're not asking for it.

And what you want is to connect with these people,

You love these people.

Find what it is that you agree with.

Be kind,

Be helpful,

Be generous.

Right?

It's not about getting everyone to agree with us.

You know,

As someone,

I don't think it was really the Buddha that said it,

It's attributed,

But sometimes these things,

There's a lot of things attributed to the Buddha,

But it sounds like something he would say.

That people that are attached to their views and opinions simply go around the world annoying everyone else.

And we don't want to be annoying everyone.

We don't want to be annoying ourselves.

Right?

So when we see something,

So when we're in a situation and we're thinking,

I'm just trying to go back to your question here.

You know,

What do I do with all our opinions on family and on politics?

Or I think you're saying with family about politics.

What I would question,

I would ask is,

Why do I need them to,

Who needs them to agree with me?

Who is it that's so convinced they're right and needs this?

What is it going to do for me if they agree,

If these three people now agree with me?

Now I've just got to go and convince another billion people to agree with me.

Or I can just be more open and more flexible and recognize people have different views and opinions.

People that I love have different views and opinions.

They're not better than me or worse than me because of their views and opinions.

They are the result of their causes and conditions.

So what I would suggest is doing,

Again,

I would,

These are really good places for compassion practice.

Right?

So that when we're doing tonglen on someone,

When we're doing loving kindness,

What we remember,

What we remember is most important.

Not that I need everyone to agree with me.

Right?

And we,

Of course,

Vote the way,

Vote the way that feels good for you,

Feels right for your views,

Of course.

But don't inflict that on everyone else.

If someone asks you and wants your opinion,

You want to have a discussion,

A healthy discussion with that idea in the back of your mind that I could be wrong,

So let me listen and pay attention here.

Right?

Like no problem.

But doing loving kindness,

Doing tonglen,

Remembering what's most important is that we all want to be loved and accepted and included.

At the core,

This is what we all want.

And we keep getting in the way of that.

We keep forgetting this sense of really wanting to be,

Feel that sense of openness and connection and feel safe with one another.

That's what matters.

That's what matters.

I think this is how our ego gets in the way.

Now the problem,

You know,

We go from the problem being me to the problem being them.

They shouldn't view this the way I,

You know,

They shouldn't have different views than me.

Right?

It's resisting again.

It's resisting again.

So we want to get the resisting out because when the resisting,

Remember when the grasping goes away,

Wisdom and compassion arises in its place.

So we're not looking for those little digs to try and get in.

We're having a nice conversation and we're just waiting to kind of,

Oh,

I've got the zinger that's going to prove I'm right.

All I'm doing is alienating someone I love.

No compassion in that,

No wisdom in that.

So,

Yeah,

More tonglen,

More compassion,

I would say in that situation.

Okay.

This did set off a bunch of questions.

So how about we go just a few more minutes at the hour.

We'll kind of just try to talk a little bit more about the retreat and then we'll come back to questions.

I just want to make sure for those that were kind of on a schedule here.

Yeah.

And I just want to add on to that,

Melissa,

That yeah,

Most people don't see that they are being mean or vindictive.

They think they're wonderful.

And our practice is not about how others see themselves.

It's about how we're seeing others.

It's about how we're seeing others.

Most people that are causing a lot of suffering for themselves,

They don't see it.

They don't see it.

We've all done it.

We've all acted in ways when we're suffering that didn't bring us the connection,

The love that we wanted.

We were so blinded by our ego.

So I think it's important that we reflect on that and remember where it's not about us to judge others and say,

Well,

They're not getting it.

They're not reflecting on it.

They're not seeing the harm they're causing.

It's for us to see,

Oh,

I'm judging them.

I'm judging them.

And every time I judge someone else,

Guess how much compassion is in my heart?

Zero.

Because if I judge another human being,

If I'm dehumanizing another being by labeling them,

I'm dehumanizing myself.

I'm closing my own heart up.

And judging,

Again,

Another form of resistance,

Another way that we resist.

They shouldn't be doing that.

And maybe they shouldn't,

Right?

Yeah,

It's causing them harm.

But people are walking their own path.

And the less that we judge others,

The less that we judge ourselves.

And then we might even find,

Because maybe it is a good friend who's going through something,

But they are acting in ways that are really causing them a lot of harm.

And we do decide,

Not out of our ego,

But not out of a needing to change them,

But we do it out of love and compassion that we do try and talk with them about it.

And then the way that we approach them,

Doing a lot of loving kindness or tonglen before we do this,

So that we really make sure we're coming from their best interest,

Because they might not be open to this.

They might not be responding to this in a positive way.

And we weigh up ahead of time,

Okay,

I'm willing to take that risk,

Because I do care about this person.

And that really changes the way that we speak with someone.

We find the right words to maybe kind of get a point across.

Maybe we even find it's just writing a letter to them and sending it.

Or maybe we bring it to them and say,

Like,

I hope you know how much I love you.

I really thought long and hard about doing this.

You may think everything I've written was completely out of line.

And if so,

Just throw it out.

But I love you enough to have taken the time to have done this.

And I hope that you will read this.

And I hope that you know this is coming from a place of love.

And we do our best.

And then we walk away and we come back into our hearts,

More loving kindness,

More tonglen,

So that we don't get attached to the outcome.

And in this situation,

Gee,

I'd probably need to know a little bit more over what happened.

And you can send me a message over it.

If you want to just give me a little bit more context,

Because that might be a little,

I probably would want to know a little bit more about that.

So let me just go back here.

Oh,

I said we were going to stop here.

Okay.

I think,

Melissa,

I love that.

Just so you're saying you just listen.

And just,

In fact,

Richard,

I think you've,

I think you've just summed it up.

If I cannot help someone,

The last thing I want to do is harm them.

Yeah,

That just summed it up beautifully,

Richard.

If I can't help them,

The last thing I want to do is harm them.

Right.

You know,

And it's not always us the ones to fix people,

Right?

In fact,

Rarely is us being the ones to fix people.

So that I think that that kind of wrapped it up kind of nicely.

So let's,

Let's,

Let's move on a little bit.

And I will just kind of condense this down to just bring us back to remember that we're on part of our mini retreat.

So and Melissa,

I'll,

And I will come back to any questions here in the end.

So feel free to put them on up there.

But just for those of you that did want to maybe hear a little bit more on the retreat about how to implement the retreat as part of your life,

Part of your,

Your,

As part of your life.

So I think we really can take these little,

These little chunks of time and really put them more into our day to day life,

Having more meaning and impact in our practice.

So,

So many ways that we can do it,

Whether it is taking a half day,

Like we've done today,

Taking three hours,

Taking a full day,

Taking a full two days,

Maybe a whole weekend,

But also just little ways that we can do throughout the week,

Like just expanding on our morning practice.

You know,

Maybe you get up and you meditate and you do a little yoga or some Tai Chi or something,

And maybe that's about an hour,

But you,

You really do have more time where you could get up a little bit earlier.

And I would say to classify as a mini retreat,

Again,

I kind of have it around two hours.

That seems to me like,

Okay,

I'm in kind of mini retreat territory.

So doing a two hour retreat in the morning is a great way to start the day.

You know,

To get up,

Do your meditation practice,

Do some movement,

Do some journaling,

Do a little reading,

A little reading,

Maybe you're studying a text,

One of the sutras,

You know,

Or you're reading a book and you're,

You're instead of just kind of flipping through the pages,

But you're reading a couple pages,

You're setting it down,

You're thinking about it,

You're contemplating,

How does this look in my life?

What is the author pointing to here?

How can I,

How can I make this more practical for myself?

So,

You know,

Just if you,

If you could even say to yourself once a week,

You're going to get up a little bit earlier and have a two hour retreat before you go to work or before you start your day.

What a difference that makes,

What a difference,

Really dedicating that amount of time.

And again,

It's not like we have to sit and meditate for two hours,

But maybe you meditate for an hour,

You do a little movement,

A little journaling,

A little reading,

A little just sitting and doing nothing,

Just sipping and having your,

Your morning tea,

Right?

But without any technology,

Right?

What a difference that makes to our day.

Or,

Or,

Or lunch,

Which is often a meal that we do,

Even if you live in a household,

A lot of,

A lot of times lunch is something that we have on our own.

And so maybe you make,

You know,

Mondays is your mindful eating day,

Right?

And so every Monday,

It's just that you're going to eat mindfully and you're not going to watch anything,

You're not going to have lunch with someone,

You're going to really be present,

You're going to eat your food slowly,

Tasting it,

Smelling it,

Looking at it,

Really giving it a rich experience.

And,

And again,

Just something like just making it once a week to start,

Right?

Yeah,

Mondays is my mindful eating day,

Right?

Or at the end of the day,

Like maybe there's some days where you go,

You know,

I get off work a little early or you don't have a lot going on.

Or again,

As you're looking at your schedule for the week,

Looking for chunks of time where you can say,

You know what,

There's a three hour gap there.

That's a perfect retreat time,

Right?

So maybe you get home at three.

And you're like,

Great,

From three to six,

Because the family's not home until after six,

That's going to be a retreat this week,

Or this month,

That's where it's going to be.

So really looking at our schedule and looking for ways that we can build in this mini retreat time,

Noticing how you feel when you dedicate more time to the practice,

When it's a more well-rounded time.

And just really considering thinking about like how much time we're committing to our practice now,

Right?

Thinking about what it is that's most important to us.

And maybe it's,

Maybe you're saying it's 50%.

You know,

You're putting 50% in right now.

And maybe that really is all you can do.

You have a family,

You have a job,

You have responsibilities,

That might be good.

But maybe you don't,

Maybe you do have more time.

And you're really saying to yourself,

You know what,

I do want more peace.

I do want full awakening.

I really do.

I want this.

This is a good desire.

This is a healthy desire,

Right?

A skillful desire.

So then to ask yourself,

Well,

Why am I only,

You know,

50% in then?

Can I nudge it to 60% next week?

And then in a few more weeks,

Can I nudge it to 70%?

And can I keep track of that?

I'm wanting to keep,

I want to be 100% in,

But don't jump 100% in on day one.

We just fall back.

So really kind of going into it mindfully,

Wisely,

Compassionately,

Understanding that we want these practices,

We want them to stick.

And we don't want to become overwhelmed by our practice.

And then just think,

Oh no,

It's too much.

So just being very mindful about the way that we bring it in,

Because they are just huge,

Just huge.

The benefit in doing mini retreats in our practice and having deeper insights and slowing down.

I mean,

All of the things that you've shared,

That each of you has shared about getting rid of some things,

Politics,

News,

Social media,

Noticing about the eating,

Noticing your thoughts,

Noticing the resisting.

These mini retreats create just that extra space that we need to really be able to go deeper into our practice,

Which is the foundation for the letting go of all of the mind movements that stop us,

Prevent us from knowing the peace that is always here.

So it helps us to let go of all those things,

To remove all of the obstacles to knowing the peace that is always here.

And I just want to add on in the end,

Because it was Peter and someone else had mentioned about boundaries.

And I'll just kind of,

So actually what I'll do just to try and condense this a little bit.

First of all,

I do have a course on Insight Timer about boundaries.

It's the only course I have on there,

Setting boundaries with an open heart.

And I cannot tell you how near and dear setting boundaries has been to me on my spiritual path.

I mean,

It was literally,

As I shared earlier,

When I left the monastery and I didn't become a nun for seven,

Eight years,

I traveled in an RV because I thought,

Well,

I'm not going to go back to a householder's life.

I want to still follow my path.

And so I was traveling in an RV,

But you're around other people in the RV.

I mean,

I wasn't off in the wilderness on my own.

And you know,

People see you on your own.

Oh,

She must not want to be on her own.

And there were lots of invitations and people knocking and,

Oh,

Come and do this.

And I found myself really spending so much time in my RV irritated about the prospect of being bothered because here I am off living my spiritual life and I'm just sitting in my RV irritated now.

And so this boundaries course came out of that because I recognized the irony of my situation because there I'd be sitting,

No one's bothering me right now.

I'm just bothering myself,

Just thinking about the next interruption.

So I really had to figure out a way to be able to communicate to others what it is that I'm doing,

Not communicate that I'm on the spiritual path,

But communicate why I'm not going out for dinner or not going out for drinks,

Why I want to be on my own,

Really being able to communicate this in a way that felt true to who I was,

That was kind and considerate,

But that I really understood what it was that I was protecting,

My spiritual path.

There's nothing more important to me than my spiritual path.

And so in the course,

A big part of the course is identifying what's important to us and identifying our values and identifying the ways in which we do want to interact with the world.

So really being upfront about all of how we want our lives to look.

And just knowing that is incredibly powerful.

Like we know what we're protecting.

So when I know when I'm saying no to a dinner invitation,

I know what I'm saying yes to is my practice,

Is my path.

That's what's most important to me.

So that is a huge part of setting boundaries,

Knowing what it is that we want,

Knowing how we want to interact,

Knowing what boundaries we need for ourselves,

As far as social media,

As far as news,

As far as ways in which we're willing to communicate in technology,

Really understanding,

Putting up the perimeters to make sure that we are living a life true to ourselves.

And then really understanding the consequences.

If I'm not setting a boundary,

If I'm not communicating to someone what it is that I need,

And whether that's even in respectful conversation,

Respectful dialogue,

Maybe they're trying to push their views and opinions on me,

If I'm not saying,

If I'm not communicating that to someone else,

I am probably still thinking about it.

I'm still resisting it in my mind.

And therefore I'm closing up my heart.

And instead of doing my compassion practice,

I'm doing my judging practice,

My anger practice,

My resentment practice.

So,

So much of setting boundaries,

What I have found is really coming into the heart,

Right?

We have a heart-centered practice in there to really teach you how to come into your heart,

To have the confidence to set boundaries,

To recognize it's not that you're causing yourself just a little bit of harm,

Or you're avoiding a lot of harm by not setting a boundary,

You're creating a lot of harm to yourself.

So really understanding how to come into the heart and to not judge others.

We don't want to turn a situation that just needs a boundary into resentment and anger and judging another person.

And then there's a lot of language as well in the course about different ways to say things.

I mean,

My kind of go-to line when I'm asked to do something for dinner,

And particularly for dinner,

I don't go out at night.

In fact,

I generally don't like to go out for meals at all.

If someone wants to go,

You know,

To get together,

I'll generally say,

Let's go for a walk,

Right?

Beautiful desert back there.

I'll go for a walk.

I like it.

We kind of have a,

We walk around,

It's like an hour walk,

And there's a beginning and an end to it.

I don't like just sitting around and just sitting in a restaurant and talking.

But if someone's asking me to do something like,

You know,

Come join us for dinner,

I so appreciate being included.

And I genuinely do appreciate being included.

Thank you.

Thank you for asking me.

But I just don't go out in the evening.

And so it's just,

It helps them to feel like I do appreciate being included,

But I just don't go out in the evening.

I don't have to explain because I otherwise,

And I'm not going to have my practice that evening,

It's going to take up time from that.

And sometimes in a big part of setting boundaries,

It's also recognizing sometimes we often make mistakes in setting boundaries too.

And I just did it the other week with someone,

In fact,

Where I did,

I didn't respond in the way that I meant to respond,

You know,

And it was still fine.

It was still fine,

But there's always room for improvement,

Right?

And again,

Just with setting boundaries,

Sometimes we don't always deliver it the best way.

And sometimes we end up causing a problem as well.

And just recognizing,

You know what,

Come back to my heart.

That wasn't my intention,

Right?

We have to know what we're protecting,

To know when it's appropriate to come back to say something.

But we're also,

It's what we're doing with boundaries is we are living a life that is true to ourselves.

That's what I find boundaries is about.

It is living a life true to myself.

If I get pulled in too many different directions,

I am not living the life that I want to be living.

And that means that I'm,

You know,

I want to be kind to people,

I want to be helpful,

I want to be generous.

I do want to be the friend that people call,

And I'm there to help.

But if everyone's pulling me in all these other different directions,

I'm not even going to be able to be that.

So,

So I would suggest,

So I am just going to say just in the name of time here,

The course is on Insight Timer.

I do think it's a good course.

It really gives you the whole nuts and bolts.

It's only four classes,

Four lessons.

And if you're struggling with boundaries,

Then I would say,

Definitely say go do the course.

But I do want to address just separately,

Because I don't really address this in the course.

But because Peter,

You had mentioned it,

And someone else had mentioned it.

Oh,

Hang on,

My battery power is about to go.

Here we go.

When it comes to our relationships with others,

Maybe your partner,

Your children,

Your friends,

And they're not on a spiritual path.

So I'm just going to offer some,

Some guidance with this.

And first of all,

To say that not everyone is going to get it,

What we're doing here.

And in fact,

I would always err on the side of not saying what it is that you're,

I mean,

You can say you're going to meditate,

You're going on a retreat,

You're doing your live.

But don't get into trying to describe it to people,

Because it's not going to make sense.

And it's going to create a lot of frustration for you.

It's not our job to make people understand why we're meditating,

What it is that we're doing on these classes.

It just doesn't come out in the right way.

I have tried millions of times,

And it just doesn't come out in the right way.

And what I have found,

What I think is the most helpful is to say to someone like,

Well,

Why do you go on and do those lives?

Why are you doing that retreat?

Why are you meditating?

Why are you leaving the party early to go meditator?

All these things,

And you say,

Because it makes me less stressed,

And it makes me a little happier.

It's true,

Right?

It's true.

It makes me less stressed,

And it makes me a little bit happier.

And I think that just puts a,

You know,

People can relate to that and go,

Oh,

Yeah,

Oh,

Yeah,

Like who doesn't want that?

But when we start talking about awakening and separate self and the ego,

I mean,

People just glaze over.

And they're like,

I don't know what she's talking about.

That sounds crazy.

So don't try and explain it to people.

It makes me less stressed.

It makes me a little bit happier.

And then also just to keep in mind,

Particularly people,

Close friends,

Partners,

You know,

They can feel a little threatened by this.

And they can feel a little bit worried that you're moving away from them.

And so you want to make sure that this,

That you are addressing this with compassion,

And that you aren't creating,

That your path isn't creating a wedge between you and your partner.

And ideally,

In fact,

Ideally,

The path should be helping your relationships.

I mean,

Even though I ultimately did leave my partner when I decided,

Well,

Particularly when I went to the monastery,

Of course,

You know,

I definitely wasn't allowed to bring him with me.

We are,

We are so close.

We are so close.

And for it took a year before I actually went to the monastery when I first told him this is what I wanted to do.

And it really changed our relationship.

It was so beautiful,

Or shifted,

I should say,

Into the next kind of like,

He was supportive,

He was helpful,

He was afraid,

He was scared as well,

Right?

He didn't want to be on his own.

And he has a beautiful,

Loving relationship now.

And I'm,

I'm so happy for him,

Because that's what that's what he wants.

And I wanted him to have a loving relationship.

But he wasn't my priority anymore.

My spiritual path wasn't,

It wasn't right for him.

And so,

But,

But I would say that it didn't,

It didn't alienate us.

In fact,

I would say it brought us closer in a different way.

I mean,

We are so close,

Such good friends.

And,

And I really,

I care for him,

He cares for me.

And we do help each other out in ways as well that we can.

So our path should really be helping us to navigate our relationships with kindness,

With care,

With compassion.

You know,

And it's not for them to be on the path,

We're not trying,

This is not a proselytizing path,

Right?

It's,

It's not,

It's not for other people to have to understand.

And if,

And if we're coming across in some way in our path,

That it's creating,

Not that there can't be some odd,

There can always be some odd situations out there,

Of course.

But in general,

If it's creating distance between lots of our relationships,

Let's say,

Then I think we need to look at ourselves to say,

What am I doing on my path?

Because it should be moving us towards wisdom and compassion,

Kindness,

Care,

Understanding others,

Not needing them to understand us,

But us to understand where they are.

And so if it's not doing that,

We need to really look at ourselves and understand,

Has my ego taken over my spiritual practice?

Don't ever underestimate your ego to hijack your spiritual practice.

It will do it so fast,

You won't know what happened.

So we need to really be,

Be mindful of that,

To be careful with that.

So if you're in a relationship,

Like your partners,

Or again,

Your kids at home,

And you have said to them,

Like,

Maybe for the next little mini retreat we do,

And we'll probably do one,

Maybe we'll do one in February.

And you say,

Hey,

I'm going to do this half day mini retreat on Insight Timer.

So I'm going to,

I'm going to kind of be off on my own for,

You know,

For four and a half hours.

But when I'm done,

Let's go do something you want to do.

Now,

If it's your kids,

Let's go to the park.

Let's go to the beach.

If it's your,

Your wife,

You know,

Your husband,

You know,

Let's go get a great lunch afterwards.

Let's go to a great dinner afterwards.

Like,

Because if you are in a relationship,

And you do want to make sure that it's balanced,

Right,

So then they can understand,

Yeah,

Okay,

You go do what you need to do,

Because it reduces your stress,

And it makes you happier.

So that should be a benefit for them.

And then we're going to go do something for you,

For us,

Right?

So that we're really coming at this from a place of wisdom and compassion,

Understanding those,

The fears that other people have when we're doing this,

When we're kind of breaking off from the herd.

So we don't want to make this sound,

We don't want to start bringing in all this new language of samsara and dukkha,

And chasing and resisting and craving and clinging and attachment,

Right?

Because it just,

It doesn't make sense.

If you're not interested in this,

It doesn't make sense.

And it just doesn't help people.

And it doesn't help our relationships.

So this isn't,

You know,

Our path doesn't mean that everyone has to be on the path.

No,

Our path should help us to be more,

More considerate,

More understanding,

More compassionate towards others,

That we should be connecting on where we can connect,

The fact that we are an interdependent,

Interconnected being.

And that compassion is that,

Is the string,

Right,

That does bind us.

So just to keep that in mind around relationships and boundaries and your practice,

Just keep it simple.

Just keep it simple.

It's not about,

It's not about them and what they're doing.

And it's not about us and what we're doing.

It's about becoming a kinder,

Wiser,

More compassionate person.

And I know some people will say on the spiritual path,

It's not about becoming kinder,

That some people will just stay the way they are.

And there is a little bit of truth in that.

But I generally find,

I generally find it should be making us a little bit,

Or at the very least,

More compassionate,

More compassionate.

Okay,

So I hope that that helps as well,

Just with some setting boundaries.

And I'll just look through a couple more questions.

And then I would like to do a short meditation with just a few reflection questions in the end.

I know we're going way over time.

So,

So let me just pop on to a couple more questions,

And then we'll,

We'll end with a just a short little guided meditation.

Oh,

I'm so glad,

Ana,

To hear about eating all your meals today without technology.

How good it feels.

Yeah,

It feels so much better.

Yeah,

And I'm so glad you like the suggestion,

Melissa.

Oh,

Angie,

That's a great question about the balance of being true to ourselves and not becoming isolated when we want to put our practice first.

That is such a good question,

Because there is that,

There is a tendency,

And I know I've sometimes gone too far in that direction in the isolation.

And,

And in fact,

What I will say is,

I don't know that I would say it's too far,

But it was maybe what was needed at that time.

And,

And isolation is something that is really important for our practice.

It is very important.

But being with others,

Too,

We do,

You know,

We want to be able to find a balance in the world.

And so,

What I would say,

And Angie,

I think you've been meditating for a while now.

I think,

I think you've been on your practice for some time now.

What I would even say,

In fact,

On the course,

I'm going to go back to the boundaries course.

Oh,

20 years.

Yeah,

You've been meditating for a long time.

One of the things that I have on there is how do we want to interact with the world,

Right?

Because while I do spend the majority of my time alone,

My mom is here for the winter,

So she's fortunately pretty independent,

But I do see her every day for at least an hour or something.

But then for the other nine months of the year,

You know,

I am very much and have very much been now for 11 years on my own.

So,

You know,

There is a place for it.

But then I think some healthy,

Because it's also good for us to come out of that to see,

Well,

How am I engaging with the world?

Because we can sometimes get a lulled into this false sense of,

Oh,

I'm so peaceful and everything's going so well.

And then we're around some people and we're like,

Oh,

So irritating.

I'm so frustrated.

It's like,

Oh,

I thought I was peaceful now.

And true peace is really being able to be peaceful in any environment.

And so there's a good kind of going back and forth with that of engaging in the world also kind of is a good mirror to how we're doing in our practice.

So in the course,

And if you reach out to me directly too,

I can just send you some of the questions if anyone wants to,

There's I do have a PDF.

I think I'm allowed to say that on insight timer.

So just because it's so helpful to write down the answers to these questions of how do I want to engage with the world?

You know,

In what ways do I want to engage?

Right?

So again,

We're kind of we're,

We're directing it,

Right?

How do I want to you know,

How do I want to show up?

Is it through,

You know,

Charity and helping others?

Is it,

You know,

Going for walks with others?

Is it doing things like,

You know,

Around here?

Like,

Is it is a dog,

You know,

Is a dog rescuing?

Yes,

Something to do with dog rescue.

Like you call me,

I'm there.

Is it doing gardening or something right with someone?

So there's,

There's a lot of ways that I'll have listed,

Like,

These are the ways that I like to communicate that I like to connect with the world.

And,

And so I do kind of recognize like,

Yeah,

This is how I am connecting.

So and also sorry,

And also on there,

I do have listed as well.

And just send me a message,

Carla,

And Mindy,

You can send me a message directly on it.

And one of the questions is,

You know,

What are the relationships that are important in my life?

Because we do have a few.

Each of us can really and I,

I kind of think it's around four or five that we could have as really close relationships.

I mean,

Like we have this kind of in our inner circle,

Then our outer circle of just lots of friends that we know,

And then acquaintances on the outside.

And,

And I do not,

You know,

I have compassion and kindness and love for all of them.

But definitely the people in my inner circle,

These are the ones these are the relationships that I want to nurture.

Because if I try to be everything to everyone,

Then I'm just going to have a lot of superficial relationships.

But knowing that there are a few relationships that are that are important to me.

The next question that I have is that and how do I want to nurture those?

How do I want to show up for them?

How do I want to make sure that I am tending to that relationship that's important?

So again,

These are kind of showing me ways in which I am going to show up in the world,

So that I am connecting because it is important for us.

And it also is a good reflection for us to see how we're doing in our practice,

But to do it in a balanced way,

Angie.

So,

You know,

So again,

Go through,

Go through the questions,

I would really recommend it.

I think it will help give you some,

Some guidance there.

Yeah,

Philippa,

I do like it's a hermitage rather than isolation.

Yeah,

It is interesting,

Just the choice of words there,

Isolation,

Because I do tend to think of it as like,

I would say being on my own.

And in fact,

I think what I would often say is I like the quiet,

I like the solitude,

Right?

And,

And I do like that.

And during the summer,

So during the winter,

This town down here in Mexico gets very crowded,

Because all the,

The snowbirds come down,

Right,

They're getting out of the cold.

So it does get a little busy.

I'm a little bit back from town.

So I don't have as much you can probably see,

I don't have as many close neighbors.

I mean,

I do have neighbors,

But they're not super close.

And,

And so I can easily go days without seeing people,

But even in but in the summer,

So actually probably eight months of the year,

So I would say four or five months,

It's a little busier here in town.

But about eight months of the year,

Seven,

Eight months of the year,

Everyone leaves.

And it's a very few,

Very small number of people that stay.

And all the people that stay year round,

Like they're very much introverts,

They like being on their own.

And so,

You know,

I can go months,

And it can be,

It's very peaceful,

Very quiet.

I might see a neighbor as I'm walking the dogs or something,

But I'm spending a lot of time on my own.

Of course,

I see you guys here.

So I'm on here doing the classes on here,

And I'm working with people privately over Zoom.

So it's not,

You know,

So it's not entirely on my own.

But,

But big gaps where I am on my own,

And I really do appreciate the quiet and the solitude.

But I also do think that there's a balance to this,

That if we're,

That our practice,

Again,

There does need to be a time for that introspection,

And we need that space away from the world.

But I think at least that it should be helping us to then find a balance within the world,

A good,

Healthy balance,

Like you're saying,

Melissa,

Because it really is beautiful to connect with others and to,

And to be a part of the world,

Right?

To really,

To show up and to be able to be a part of it,

To really be present with it.

Yeah.

And I'll just,

Neelam,

I'll just go to your comment,

And thank you.

I'm so glad that you enjoyed this today.

I'm so glad.

I don't think we've seen you before from,

Oh,

From Milpitas.

Oh,

Am I saying that right?

The monastery I went to was not far from there,

By the way.

So I have,

I have over a hundred Dharma talks on my,

On my teacher's page.

I record these always and put them up there.

And,

And we also meet every Tuesday at 11am your time.

We meet and we have a sangha,

And we're all here together.

And it goes very much like we're doing this today.

I mean,

Not with a retreat,

But a Dharma talk,

A meditation,

And then just Q&A going back and forth.

So there's lots of Dharma talks on there for you to look at.

And,

And of course,

We'd love to have you back here on the sangha.

So and thank you,

Cara.

Thank you so much for the donation.

I appreciate it.

Thank you.

Yeah,

And just Melissa,

You're saying you love the solitude of your home.

You're happy,

You're content,

But really trying to balance that with the rest of your life with activities with,

With friends.

Yeah,

It's a balance.

It is a balance.

And we,

And again,

I know I have gone a little bit more,

Of course,

Your Emma,

Your word is popping in my head is probably being a little bit more reclusive at times.

Yeah,

I mean,

And it is just it's this balance.

And so you're,

You're recognizing you want to connect and give back to your community,

Do some voluntary work.

Yeah,

I think is really,

Is really,

Really helpful.

So it's just good to,

It's good to know these things.

It's good,

Like we're doing this reset about what's most important.

And again,

I'll give you guys all the questions.

Oh,

You know what I'll do?

You know what I'll do?

Sorry,

I'll do this.

I'll post the questions in the group page on my teacher's page.

So I'll just post them all there.

So we have a group page under my teacher's page.

And it's just called Sangha.

And I will post all the questions there.

So that you guys can take a look,

Because I think it's also a good addition to the work that we've been doing here today.

To,

Again,

Just help us to really find that balance of,

Of solitude and engaging in the world.

I think there's a healthy balance that we can find in there.

And of course,

We have periods,

We have a day here,

A weekend there,

Where we just shut off everything,

And we just sit in silence.

And that's wonderful.

But that we're doing this so that we are engaging in the world as well.

Right.

Okay,

Let me just go back.

I think we're,

Oh,

Anna's gone to bed.

Okay.

Thank you for being here,

Anna.

Okay,

And I think,

Peter,

So you're asking how to,

Oh,

How to deal with the rest of the world on an,

Oh,

You're just agreeing.

Yes,

It is a challenge.

Yeah.

And it's a good challenge for our practice.

It helps us see when we're getting the teachings.

If we didn't have these challenges,

We would really be deluded in thinking that,

Oh,

I'm so peaceful,

Because maybe we're just happening to have peaceful conditions in that moment.

But it's not really coming from wisdom.

It's not really coming from compassion.

So these challenges,

They're good.

It's good to see,

To see like,

Oh,

Yeah,

Maybe I didn't,

You know,

Maybe I had a moment,

Maybe I had a judging thought.

No one was even aware of it,

But I'm aware I had a judging thought.

Oh,

Maybe I was,

Maybe I did too much that day.

Maybe I didn't have enough space in there.

And so for future,

Not to beat myself up for it,

But just go,

Oh,

Okay,

This is how I need to space it out.

And that for me,

I do find.

I am,

I am by neurochemistry,

An introvert.

It does affect my neuro,

It does affect my nervous system.

If I'm around a lot of stimulus for a long period of time,

Right,

I can do it for a short period of time.

I can do,

I mean,

I'm not going to have a meltdown,

But it is definitely,

It tires me,

Right?

And that's what it does for introverts.

It just tires us.

We get exhausted very,

Very quickly.

And then if I'm too exhausted,

Then when I come home,

I'm not going to want to do my practice because I'm too exhausted.

So definitely,

You know,

Managing that,

We want to make sure that we're managing that as well,

Right?

That if the activities that we're doing are having a negative effect on our practice,

Then we need to make sure that we're balancing it right.

And that's why in,

So this document that I called on the boundaries is called a terms of engagement.

And,

And again,

I just got,

This is what I was doing in my RV,

You know,

10 years ago,

Then I started writing it all out.

How do I want this to look so that I could really be clear about how I wanted my life,

You know,

How I wanted to live my life.

And the more detailed I got,

The more it helped me really be true to myself and recognizing also just the introvert in me has limitations.

It does have limitations,

But the introvert in me also is why I like the solitude.

So I really love that part.

Yes,

It's a,

It's a thank you for your shameless plugs there,

Philippa.

Thank you.

Oh,

Is that,

Am I doing shameless plugs?

I really am saying though,

It is,

I do think it offers a lot of value and it's already on there on insight timer.

You don't have to pay.

Oh,

Sorry.

If you're a premium member.

Yeah.

If you're a premium,

Oh,

You're doing it.

Thank you,

Philippa.

I appreciate it.

Yeah.

If you're a premium member,

It is on there,

But I will put the terms of engagement up there on the group page.

That's just a great,

It's a great exercise to reflect and,

And to,

And to just really be clear about what it is that we're living,

How we're living our lives,

What's important and just kind of our day-to-day aspects.

The book,

The Course in Miracles,

Emma,

What I would suggest is a course that you take each,

Right?

Cause it's just really a bunch of,

Or not,

You know,

It's different teachings.

And what I would say is,

Yes,

You can take each one of those teachings.

Don't read through them all.

Just take one,

Practice with it for a couple of days,

Contemplate,

Think about it,

Meditate on it.

And,

And then yes,

It can absolutely help clear.

Now it is more of a book set in,

In religious,

In,

In,

In traditional Christian terms.

So,

You know,

Not everyone gravitates towards that.

I do find,

In fact,

My favorite line from A Course in Miracles,

You are never upset for the reason you think you are.

You are never upset for the reason you think you are.

I mean,

There's a lot,

There's a lot of wisdom and compassion in A Course in Miracles,

But that one teaching,

Right?

When we're so upset because they don't agree with me or because someone's treating me this way or some,

All these different things,

Right?

So we're so looking outwards at the problem,

Right?

And what that's saying,

That one line is putting back,

You are never upset for the reason you think you are.

It's always coming back,

Oh,

There's something here that I'm doing.

You know,

Again,

Even just,

Even just,

You know,

Where we're thinking we're upset with someone because they said something to us that kind of sounded like they were putting us down in some way.

And so,

You know,

Again,

We're upset with them for what happened when maybe what we're really realizing is that,

You know what,

Down here,

There's actually still a little bit of doubt.

There's still a little bit of unworthiness that I haven't,

That I haven't looked at,

That I haven't been willing to be with.

And maybe that's why that had so much power over me,

Right?

So it can point us in to really look and go,

What is it that's here?

What have I missed?

What have I not nurtured and cared for here?

So it can,

It can be such,

So it's such a powerful line.

Thank you,

Kelly.

Thank you also.

And Linda,

Did you mean,

I'm not sure what the ouch was.

I think maybe what I was referring to that there's some doubt still in here.

There's some,

Something that we have intended to.

But it's always true.

The reason we think we're upset is not the real reason.

And so it just points us back.

So there are some amazing,

Amazing words of wisdom in that book.

Amazing words of wisdom.

Anything you're willing to pick up and look at that has some wisdom and don't,

You know,

It doesn't even matter what tradition it's from.

I mean,

Of course,

We all have a gravitation towards something based on our causes and conditions.

But whatever it is that,

You know,

You find a quote,

You've,

Of course,

A course in miracles is the book,

Melissa.

You know,

You find something that's speaking to,

Again,

A quote,

A poem,

Something,

Instead of just kind of reading it and just continuing on,

Like,

Print it off,

Write it down,

Reflect on it.

Let that be your teaching for the day,

For whatever,

For all the causes and conditions that came together in that moment,

For you to see those words in that moment.

To not just give it a cursory glance,

But to,

Ah,

This teaching that spoke to me in this moment,

There's some power in here.

So let me take this and let me marinate in these words.

Let me see what else these words open up in here.

So spending time with teachings is really important.

And that is one of the nice things in A Course in Miracles is that you've just got,

You know,

A few lines and you just,

You get it and you're just,

Okay,

Let me stay with that.

Let me stay with that.

Oh,

Yeah.

So thanks,

Linda.

Yeah,

I thought that's what you were referring to.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

I think,

Um,

I think we have gotten to everything here.

I'm so glad you,

This was good for you,

Carla and Sandy,

Melissa and Mindy and Neelam,

All of you,

So glad.

I am going to say,

Let's just end with a short meditation,

Um,

To just,

We'll continue in that marination,

Philippa.

So just to continue with really what we might have discovered here in our,

In our dialogue,

In your time previously,

In the meditation before,

Let's just really take that.

And again,

Kind of taking this idea of,

Of really,

Of really marinating,

Of really marinating in what's here.

Okay.

Thank you,

Sophia.

Okay.

So let's just close our eyes and just feel your breath as it's moving through your body.

And just noticing how you're feeling in the body right now.

Really having this open heart and mind to what it is that's here.

Feeling the spaciousness in each breath,

Feeling that sense of ease and stillness,

Allowing yourself to fully be here in this moment.

You're exactly where you should be.

I'm just reflecting on what you can take away from today.

What are one or a couple of things that feel really true to you?

And how has your time today affected your understanding of who you are?

How has it deepened your understanding of who you are?

And how can you best honor your time spent here today,

Your practice,

Your understanding?

How can you best honor this by taking this forward into your life?

And the last question,

What are you most grateful for in this moment?

And as we come to the end of the meditation,

Bringing your hands together at your heart center,

And really having some extra gratitude for yourself for having spent this time today,

Really focusing on your practice,

Your path,

Understanding what's most important,

Knowing that this time has been very well spent and will lead to greater peace and happiness.

And when you're ready,

You can open your eyes.

Okay,

So thank you all for such a wonderful day today and such a wonderful way to start the new year.

And just thank you for all of your,

Thank you all for all of your donations.

Thank you for all of your wonderful,

Loving,

Kind comments,

For all of your,

Your questions,

Your insight,

For really helping us all exploring this together.

I so appreciate you all.

Each and every one of you.

Thank you.