Episode 470: Four Habits That Strengthen Your Self-Esteem

Welcome to the Michelle Chalfant Show,

The next evolution of the Adult Share Podcast.

I am Michelle Chalfant and my goal is to help you to awaken to your true self.

Together we will break through your barriers so you can find your purpose and live a soul aligned life.

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Spiritual teachers,

Healers,

And change makers along with actionable insights to help you to transform your life from the inside out.

Welcome to the Michelle Chalfant Show.

Hello everybody and welcome to the Adult Share.

I am so happy to be with you today and today we're talking about self esteem and building self esteem.

I do not care where you are in this spectrum.

I guess I'd call it of self esteem.

We can always add more.

We can always add more.

I don't believe we get to the end point of,

Okay,

I'm full of self esteem.

I really believe like there are different areas of our lives where we can work on even becoming stronger in our self esteem.

So that's what I'm going to give you today about,

I don't remember,

Didn't count,

But maybe four or five little tools or tips on how to exactly build up our self esteem even more from the lens of the Adult Share model.

Okay,

So I was talking with you about toxic relationships and one of the things I said was that in order to get out of a toxic relationship or an unhealthy relationship,

We have to have healthy esteem.

So if you're in an unhealthy relationship,

It can damage your self esteem and then unfortunately we lose who we are and we can't make decisions.

We don't know who we are.

We can't think straight.

So whether you're in a toxic relationship or whatever the reason is,

It doesn't mean that this podcast is only for people today that are in unhealthy relationship.

This podcast is all about building self esteem,

But I just,

I had said last week,

I'm creating this podcast just for people that really are having issues in unhealthy relationships.

But again,

These tools can be applied to absolutely anybody because I think we all can build our self esteem a little bit more or a lot more.

And some of us,

Unfortunately,

We just never got the great foundation of self esteem in our growing up years.

You know,

Maybe our caregivers didn't have healthy self esteem.

If they didn't have it,

How in the world are they supposed to give it to us?

I mean,

They're our models.

So they're not healthy.

They pass unhealthy down to us unless they're aware and most of the time this does not happen.

So I want you to know,

Building up our self esteem,

It can happen at any age.

If you feel like you're someone that is lacking in this department,

Do not worry.

Today I'm going to give you ways to build up your self esteem that will help you to show up differently in your own life and in relationship with others.

Okay?

So let's just jump right in to what is self esteem?

Really it's how valuable we see ourselves.

It's our self worth.

It's how much we like ourselves.

So take a moment and ask yourself these questions and let's rate them from something like zero to five.

Ask yourself this question.

How valuable do I feel?

Rate it from zero to five.

Zero is like not good.

Five is really good.

How worthy do I feel?

Worthy of love.

Worthy of a good job.

Worthy of relationships.

Anything at all.

Zero to five.

How much do I like myself?

Zero to five.

All right.

So of course,

If you're in the zero to two and a half,

Three range,

You can probably have a little bit more self esteem.

And even if you're at the four range,

Let's get you up to a five.

And that's what we're going to talk about today.

So if you rated yourself low,

Do not worry.

I've got ideas for you on how to build yourself up again.

Can happen at any age.

Do not feel bad about yourself.

Drop that story now.

Do not fall into the negativity or self judgment or judging anybody.

We're going to have higher self esteem and people with higher self esteem do not judge and blame themselves.

So let's get,

Let that story go.

But in this moment,

Let's change that instead of blaming or feeling bad,

If that,

If that's what you're doing,

Let's change it to,

I'm glad I'm able to change and improve my self esteem.

Doesn't that feel better?

It's about reaching for these thoughts that feel better.

I really believe that the self esteem can grow and get better as we practice.

And I don't believe that one day we arrive and reach the finish line of perfect self esteem.

Like,

Okay,

I've arrived.

I'm here.

I really feel like for me,

I will work on mine until the day I die.

It really is just a,

It's a constant practice.

So,

Okay,

Here we go with my tips for raising self esteem.

I have four of them for you.

Number one,

It's about becoming aware,

Becoming aware,

And very specifically,

It's becoming aware of my self-talk.

Think about this.

How is your self-talk?

Just think about that for a minute.

Become aware of what you're saying to yourself.

Most of the time we have automatic thoughts that rifle through our mind and we're not even aware of what we're even thinking.

But we need to be.

That's the thing.

Our thoughts drive our emotions up or down.

We need to raise our awareness to our thoughts and watch what's coming in and out of our mouth or in and out of our brains.

If it's empowering,

Then keep it.

If it makes you feel good,

Then keep it.

If it makes you feel bad,

Then choose again.

So think about some of,

Like,

Here's some thoughts that people might say,

I'm such an idiot.

I will never get that right.

Right?

I made the biggest mistake of my life getting a divorce.

I'll never get over it.

Watch these words like never.

That's all from the adolescent chair set,

Egoic,

Very extreme thinking.

My life is a disaster.

I'll never improve.

My job is a dead end and I'll be stuck here forever.

My partner is a loser,

But I stay because I will never find anyone else.

Do those thoughts make you feel good?

Our thoughts are so powerful.

We have to watch our thoughts.

We have to become aware of our thoughts.

They're incredibly powerful.

They're creating your reality and your life experience.

If you don't like how you feel,

Then change your thoughts.

We really need to watch the absolutes.

Like I said,

I always,

I never,

You always,

Et cetera.

Instead use words like I feel blankety blank for now.

That's a really nice ending to sentences that comes from the adult chair.

Words like for now or until now.

I'm not an exerciser until now.

I'm going to make that change this week.

I'm really sad for now,

But I know I'll move through it because I'm working on feeling my emotions,

Right?

So we want to watch what we're saying,

And when we use those absolute words,

We need to mindfully change them.

So choose empowering thoughts that are,

And not disempowering thoughts,

Okay?

Empowering thoughts adds to self-esteem.

Disempowering thoughts knocks us down.

Think about building,

Like when you're a little kid,

You're building blocks.

That's what we're doing.

It's like building a house.

We're building a really solid foundation.

We're building these blocks.

You've got to really build this really solid foundation for yourself,

And only you can do this for yourself,

Okay?

So the second thing is we want to do parts work,

Okay?

And this is something we do in the adult chair model.

When we feel stuck and can't seem to shake it,

Go inside.

We typically reach outside of ourselves when we feel stuck,

And what we need to do instead is to go inside and get in touch with a part of us that feels stuck.

Who's blocking my progress?

Get an image.

Get a voice.

Get a sense of who's inside of myself.

Who's saying these mean things to me?

There's a part of you that's saying these things.

Here's the secret.

These parts are not blocking our progress.

They simply want and need our attention,

Okay?

I did a whole show on how we connect with our parts.

It's like,

How do we get in touch with these parts that are blocking our progress?

So to get unstuck,

Stop avoiding and go into the stuck place,

Dialogue with that part,

Get to know it,

And watch what happens to your stuckness.

I promise you it will free you.

I do it all the time.

I do it with clients.

I do it on the show.

I just,

It happens all the time.

Okay,

Number three.

Change your story.

Is your story that you're telling yourself and the whole world,

Is it empowering or disempowering?

Change it.

Write a new one.

Stories are disempowering and keep us stuck in anxiety,

In depression.

They keep us stuck in emotions.

What are you telling yourself over and over and over?

Again,

How does it make you feel?

Does it feel good?

Then keep telling it.

Does it make you feel bad?

Is it driving people away?

Are you finding that you keep arguing with people?

If your story that you're telling the world and yourself is making you miserable,

It's time to change it.

You have the power to change your story,

Okay?

I just brought this up.

I did a couple of videos on this.

I put them on social media about when my son went away last month,

Or both of my sons,

But my younger son specifically,

And I was in this empty nest,

Holy moly.

I started telling people things like,

I'll never move on,

And how am I going to move on?

I feel so empty inside.

The house is too quiet,

All of these things.

I didn't teach him enough,

Oh my God,

He's not going to be okay,

And maybe I should have done this,

And I should have done this,

And holy moly,

I was sitting in my adolescent chair.

That story was making me feel bad about myself.

I had to change my story to,

I did a really good job.

I did the best I could do for this kid,

Both of my kids.

I'm really happy for him,

But I'm also really sad,

And both of those emotions are okay.

Suddenly my whole mood shifted.

If I had moments of tears,

I let those tears flow through,

And I moved on.

I did not get stuck in story,

Like,

Oh,

I'll never see him again,

I'm moving out of state,

I'll never see him,

He's going to never forgive me if we leave Tennessee,

Because all of his friends are here,

Oh my God,

I went on and on and on with this story.

I had myself in such a knot,

There's no way I could have moved on.

I let go of that story,

And I said,

I have no idea what's coming in the future,

I'm doing the best I can,

I'm going to go with what feels right in the moment,

And I'm going to do that,

And everything is going to work out,

One way or another.

Our stories can limit us,

Okay?

And remember,

We see our reality one way,

And it's all based on our filters,

On our wounding,

It's all of that stuff.

Even how we're raised,

And even in our DNA,

It's like all this stuff gets passed down.

So if the story that you're telling yourself and others is not producing the reality that you want or need,

And makes you feel bad,

You must change it,

Okay?

That's the biggest takeaway here,

Change it.

We really got to take that drama out of the story,

We so quickly fall into drama.

Ask yourself what's 100% truth,

And if you're spewing out a story,

You'll know,

Because stories don't have facts,

There's no facts.

So we want to build up really the story of our lives based on truth,

And it's very different than what happens in the adolescent chair,

Which is this whole fantasy and fabrication and self-blame,

Etc.

So okay,

Moving on to the next one,

Number four,

Become your best cheerleader.

Do you support yourself and give yourself an attaboy or an attagirl?

I had a client just last week that had spoken up for herself to her narcissistic boss,

And she said she wanted an attagirl so badly from him,

But he would never do it.

So I said,

Why don't you do it for yourself?

And she said,

Oh my gosh,

You know,

I hadn't even thought of that.

I said,

Give yourself a pat on the back,

You do great work.

If your boss is not capable of saying great job,

Then you say it to yourself.

That is not bragging,

That is not bragging.

I didn't say tell her to put it on Facebook and walk around and tell everyone how great she was.

That builds self-esteem.

I said,

If you do a really good job at work,

It's okay and very healthy to say,

You know what?

I'm doing a really good job here,

I'm really proud of myself.

When we rely on others to do this for us,

We may be waiting a very long time,

Especially when we have people in our lives,

Whether it be our bosses or family members that aren't capable.

So if you want to build your self-esteem,

You've got to learn how to do this for yourself.

It's not bragging.

People say that to me,

Well,

I don't want to be a bragger.

That's not a bragger.

A bragger is walking up to people saying,

I'm great at my job,

And not caring about other people,

Plowing over other people.

It's not what I'm asking you to do.

I'm saying,

You can say to yourself,

Hey,

I did a really good job.

People will say to me,

I really feel like I did such a good job raising my daughter.

And I'll say,

I hope that you don't think that's bragging.

I'm like,

No,

I love that.

I feel like you really have high self-esteem.

That's beautiful that you'd say that.

And I had a woman that actually had said that to me,

And I said,

Good,

Keep saying that.

She says,

I just feel really good about myself.

Is that okay?

And I said,

Yes,

Please.

Healthy self-esteem.

You're not going to stand on the rooftop until everyone that walks by that you feel this way.

But if it comes up in conversation,

Sure,

Say it.

And remember,

We can say the same sentence from the adult chair and the adolescent chair,

And it has a very different energy.

Brag is adolescent.

Fact is adult chair.

So if you've done something good,

It's not being a narcissist.

If you say it,

You say it with truth.

So I am inviting you to give yourself an attagirl or an attaboy.

I remember way back when,

When I was pregnant with my first son,

I don't know why this just came up in my mind,

But it was like just starting out,

Married,

New house,

Nine months pregnant,

And I loved to cook.

And I had had,

I had invited our family over.

So there was only like,

I think six or eight of us that were coming over for my first Thanksgiving meal ever that I'd ever prepared.

And gosh,

I didn't sleep the night before.

I was so worried and thinking through,

Because of course,

You know,

I've got Italian blood running through my veins as well as Irish and a little bit of German,

But we do things really big and have way too much food always.

So of course,

I'm planning the menu for like two or three nights before.

Couldn't sleep.

I was pregnant nine months due in two weeks.

Anyway,

I made this beautiful meal.

Everything turned out well.

And I remember at the end of the meal,

People were like,

Thank you so much.

It was such a good meal.

Everything turned out well.

And I remember looking at everybody there and I said,

Thank you so much.

You know what?

I really feel good about myself.

I feel like I did a really good job.

And they said,

You really did.

I remember that was a big pivotal moment for me because I grew up with lower self-esteem.

I didn't feel good about myself.

And that was the first moment.

I remember I was like,

For God's sake,

I'm nine months pregnant doing this.

And everything turned out really well.

And I did a good job.

And people were like,

Yeah,

You did a great job.

I was like,

Thank you.

I really feel like I did.

And they said,

You did.

And it was such a beautiful exchange.

And then of course,

Two hours later,

I went into labor.

Another story,

I was up again one whole night,

Then giving birth to this child.

He had to come that night.

But anyway,

So that's the difference.

That is the difference.

Self-esteem is built like one block at a time.

So these four things I just gave you are going to help you to build your own self-esteem.

Pick one of the four and practice,

Practice,

Practice,

Practice,

Practice until it becomes you're just part of your daily routine and your daily habit and your daily life.

And then pick another one and then master that and then pick another one.

These four tips are so easy,

But there's huge power in each and every one of them.

Huge power.

So they seem simple,

But it's like,

Man,

When you start busting stories,

I get,

I get comments on this all the time on social media and even some emails and people say,

I had no idea how much my life would change just by busting stories and starting to ask myself what's true.

And boy,

That ego and the adolescent sure that will fight you.

It wants to cling to the stories.

That's what it knows.

And when you ask,

Is this true?

Like what's true?

So to go back to my story about my younger son,

You know,

Oh,

You know,

He's never going to come back and he's going to be upset with me and he's mad that at the idea of us moving and he's going to leave home and never come back.

Of course,

He's threatened that.

I don't know what's going to happen.

And I have to sit and go,

Well,

Wait a minute,

What do I know that's true right now in this moment?

My son is mad.

That's a fact.

He's upset because he does not want us to move.

Fact.

We're thinking about moving.

Fact.

And that's it.

That's it.

It busts the whole story.

All of a sudden like,

Oh,

I don't,

I guess I don't feel so bad.

It's like,

That's just what is happening right now.

I haven't even moved.

Why am I in this story that I've lost my son forever and he's never going to talk to me again?

It's like,

That doesn't feel good.

But that's where I was.

I was right there and crying over it.

I mean,

I was so emotional and I thought,

And I did step into what is true.

I cannot keep doing it.

And that's the video I did.

So these are really,

Really easy,

Easy tools to help you to build your self-esteem.

And when we have higher self-esteem,

Remember,

We're able to know ourselves so much better and we know what we want and what we need.

And,

And key,

Key,

Key here.

We do not tolerate abuse or toxic or unhealthy relationships.

We guess what?

We set boundaries as we know who we are and what we need to cherish and protect this person who is ourselves.

It's us.

I know who I am and I know that I need to cherish myself and protect myself and therefore I will set boundaries when I feel good about myself,

Which means I have self-esteem.

So when we feel good about ourselves,

Even when we have a bad day,

We're able to remind ourselves that it's temporary.

That's that self-esteem.

It's like,

Yeah,

I know what's true.

So choose your words wisely as each word you speak and think could be building or cracking your self-esteem.

It's ultimately your choice.

Self-esteem does come down to choice.

What are you allowing yourself to think and speak?

Did you hear me?

What are you allowing yourself to think and speak?

We've got,

You know,

Tons of thoughts every day.

Are you allowing the ones that are empowering to stick with you or disempowering?

So there you have it.

All right,

Everybody,

That's about it for today.

I will look forward to seeing you next week.

Have a beautiful week,

Everybody.

I will talk to you next week.