The Adult Chair Podcast: The Power Of Acceptance

Hello,

Everybody,

And welcome to the adult chair.

I am Michelle Schelfant.

Today I am chatting with you about acceptance.

There is actually great power in acceptance.

We typically live with resistance to accepting the things that we do not want to accept,

But once we do,

Wow,

Our lives can change.

And I'm going to talk to you about how to do that.

So the power of acceptance is coming your way in one moment.

But first you can find out more about the show at theadultchair.

Com.

You can join the conversation on Facebook or Instagram or Pinterest.

And of course,

Make sure to join the adult chair closed group on Facebook.

It's a beautiful place to come and join the conversations that we have in there about the adult chair.

So if you have questions or comments or want to learn more,

That is the place to be on the Internet.

It's our private group.

Okay,

I've got three big announcements for you guys.

Number one,

The journaling challenge has not only begun,

It started on November 1st.

It's going so well.

I am reading the comments in the closed group on Facebook and I have been brought to tears,

Of course,

Many times.

And I just am so thrilled with the transformation that's already happened with people in such a short amount of time.

So if you'd still like to join us for the journaling challenge,

You can.

You just join at theadultchair.

Com forward slash journal and you can sign up and join us for the rest of the month.

So please come join us.

We'd love to have you as part of this community of people.

Number two,

I have put another workshop on the calendar and it is going to be in Charlotte,

North Carolina on January 26th and 27th.

I could not be happier to be back in Charlotte.

So please come join us if you're interested.

And if you'd like to learn more about that class,

That weekend workshop,

It is at theadultchair.

Com forward slash workshop.

And for the month of November,

I am gifting everybody $100 off the price of the workshop.

So if you're interested in coming,

You better get on it people.

Come join us,

But join in November because the $100 discount will go away on December 1st.

So hurry up and join us.

Okay,

This is the most important thing I want to share with you guys.

It's my birthday.

Actually,

It's my birthday on November 9th and you're going to be listening to this on November 8th,

But it is my birthday on November 9th.

And as you all know,

I love doing what I do.

I love my job.

I love the podcast.

I love the guided meditations.

I've loved putting the journaling challenge together and I do all of that for free because I love what I do and I love you all.

So what people have said to me many times,

I wish I could give something back.

So here's what you guys can do.

And I asked this last year as well.

There are two things.

Number one,

I would love to have you share the show even just with one person.

That is just would mean the world to me.

I love that.

I love to spread the adult chair message because I hear so much about how it's transforming people and I have to say it's completely surreal for me that this model has really traveled around the world and it's helping so many people and I love to help people.

So please share the show with one person.

And number two,

A review would be fantastic.

So if you just go to my website,

Theadultchair.

Com and you click on the podcast tab,

You're taking to the podcast page and on the right hand column,

It says leave a review.

If you could leave a review for me,

That would be the best ever because what happens is when you leave a review,

It helps other people to find the show so they can also transform and really learn all about the adult chair.

So I would love it if you guys would help me there.

So thank you,

Thank you,

Thank you in advance.

Okay.

Moving on to the power of acceptance.

Boy.

You know,

I hear all kinds of things from people,

Whether it be clients,

Family,

Friends,

You name it.

It just,

They all these kinds of things come in when we complain about different people in our lives,

Whether it be in-laws,

Whether it be friends that are passive aggressive,

That don't take responsibility.

We've got co-parents out there that are not very healthy.

And if we are divorced from these people,

Sometimes they give us a really hard time.

People tell me about their spouses that don't share with them from an emotional perspective,

You know,

And they,

And what happens is we get ourselves stuck.

We get ourselves stuck.

So all of these things,

It creates anger or angst or unhappiness or other emotions and we get triggered by it.

So then we fall into blame and judgment and land in our victim seat,

Which all these things are coming from that adolescent share,

Not the emotions,

But the blame and the judgment and the triggers are all sitting in that adolescent share.

So when we have people in our lives,

We're not happy with their behavior or their actions or who they are,

Then this is what happens.

We get angry and then we tell so and so about it.

And again,

It keeps us really stuck.

And what I call it moves us over to suffering islands.

I actually demoed this in the workshop.

When we have someone in our lives that really,

Really ticks us off,

Let's just say,

For example,

A boss or if you're divorced and you've got,

You know,

Your ex whomever that doesn't pick up the child on time when it's their weekend or their day,

We get upset and then we tell our friends and our family.

And then we tell stories and assumptions about it.

And we might say things like,

You know,

It's always going to be like this.

They're never going to change.

My child's going to be so affected by this.

They're going to turn out like this,

Or they're going to turn out like that.

And we go on and on and on about what's going to happen because this person shows up late or because this person can't take responsibility,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

Here's the problem is someone else's behavior outside of us is landing us on suffering Island.

So the way to get off suffering Island is,

I'll let you guess,

Acceptance of that person.

Now here's the thing.

I didn't ever say you had to like that person.

I didn't say you had to become friends with that person.

I didn't say anything about that.

What we need to do to get off suffering Island is first that gets us one foot off of suffering Island is to start talking about instead of story and assumption about this other person,

And let's just use that example of the person that doesn't pick their kid up on time every week or every other week or whenever it is.

What we want to do is just say,

Okay,

This person,

My ex does not pick up my child every week on time,

Period.

There's truth.

The fact or truth that's putting us in our adult chair.

What else is true?

I'm upset about it.

Okay,

That's true.

Own that.

That's fine.

What else is true?

Well,

My son doesn't even seem to notice,

But sometimes he gets upset about it.

Okay,

There's another truth.

So these are all truths that start to move us off of suffering Island.

Okay.

So what else is true?

Well,

That's about it.

So the story would be,

Well,

My son's going to suffer.

My son's not going to know what his father is and blah,

Blah.

That's a story or an assumption.

And this,

What I'm talking to you about is these are facts.

Okay.

Very,

Very,

Very different.

So after we have all of our facts and our truth together,

We then want to look at the ex-husband that's creating all this angst within us,

All of this unsettledness within us that's kicking us into stories and assumptions in our adolescent chair.

So now that we're in our adult chair,

After we've reached for the facts and the truth,

Now we can look at that guy and say,

Okay,

Those are all the facts and truth about this person.

Can we just accept him for who he is?

Which would be something like,

So he's late.

He shows up late every weekend.

Okay.

So accept that about him.

So don't think that he's ever going to show up early because he's just late all the time.

Okay.

Can you just accept him for who he is?

I didn't say again,

You had to like him.

I didn't say again,

Not to set a boundary,

But just can you accept him for who he is?

Because you know what?

It stops and busts all those stories.

You won't expect him then to show up early.

It's like,

Okay,

He is who he is.

It's over.

It's over.

And it keeps you in your adult chair.

It actually takes the drama right out of it.

And it's kind of boring without drama because then you have nobody to tell if he's late by an hour.

You've just accepted him for who he is and the drama is done.

Done.

And if your son walks up and says,

Where's dad?

You very,

Very factually state,

Well,

Dad's late.

He's typically late.

He should probably be here in the next couple hours.

Now I want to bring this up because when we've accepted it,

We say it from our adult chair and it's very,

Very factual.

We can say the same statement from the adolescent chair and it becomes a judgment and starts to stir up the drama pot.

So if my son comes up to me and says,

Where's dad?

He was supposed to be here at two o'clock today.

And I say,

Well,

You know,

He's usually late and I'm guessing he'll be here by four.

So just hang tight.

It's very drama free.

It's factual.

That's the adult.

Okay.

Because that's a true statement.

Now,

Drama back in the adolescent chair would be,

Well,

You know,

Your father,

He's always late.

He's late every damn weekend.

So I don't know what to tell you.

I guess you can text him or something,

But you know,

He's not going to answer and he's still going to be late.

So it's like we get to choose and we can use the same statement in each chair,

But the energy is very different in the adult.

It's rock solid and it's truth.

And that happens when we accept people for who they are.

So something that really helps us is when we are able to,

This is a big,

This is a key to this is drop the expectations and instead have preferences.

So if we use this guy as an example,

I prefer that my ex shows up on time.

However,

He's typically late.

Okay.

But when I expect him to show up at two o'clock and he's never shows up at two o'clock and then every weekend,

Because my expectations are two o'clock,

Guess who gets let down?

I do.

I'm going to be let down.

Not him.

No one else is affected.

I mean,

My son might be affected,

But I am the model.

I'm the navigating source for my son.

So my son looks to me.

If I'm rattled,

My son picks up on that.

So the more solid I can be for my son and have preferences versus expectations and accept the ex-husband,

The better.

People all the time say,

How do I teach my kids that I live in their adult chair?

You live in your adult chair.

You do it.

And your children learn how to do this because our children model us.

So we want to show up on our adult chair as much as we possibly can.

Okay.

Now,

Here's something I'm not saying,

Which please hear me now.

Don't email me.

Everyone,

Sometimes people get rattled up by what I say.

And remember,

These are just suggestions that have worked for me.

So this is,

Don't be,

Sometimes people get very black and white with what I say.

This is fluid.

So I'm not saying to accept someone that comes to pick up my son on the weekends that's abusive toward me and that's abusive toward my son.

That's a whole other story.

What we want to do is accept people that just show up in our lives that are not showing up as we'd like them to.

But I don't recommend accepting people that are abusing us.

That's a whole different story.

Okay.

I would not send my son off with an abuser.

I would not engage with an abuser.

So totally different.

I'm talking about someone that might show up late.

I'm talking about somebody that might treat us in a way that's disrespectful.

Someone shows up late every weekend to pick up my kid.

That's disrespectful.

I can accept that that's who they are and move on with my life or I can stay stuck in it.

I'm keeping myself stuck.

That's the big takeaway here.

Acceptance sets us free.

It really does.

Now I'm just going to keep using this example.

If I have,

Let's say someone,

I'm going to actually use a different example.

Let's just say I have a friend who has a really hard time saying I'm sorry and she'll make mistakes and not intentional,

But she or he may make mistakes.

And it's clear that an apology would be necessary or would be nice,

But yet they never do.

So they have a hard time taking responsibility for their lives.

And saying I'm sorry is just not something that they're able to do because maybe there's shame attached.

We don't need to know why,

But perhaps someone in our lives just doesn't say I'm sorry or apologize or take responsibility for things.

Now we can set boundaries around that.

The first thing I might do is say,

Hey,

You know what?

So and so.

It really hurt me when you did that and you didn't apologize.

Well that person then might or might not be able to set an apology.

So of course I would set a boundary.

I would set a boundary again with the other example,

With the ex-husband.

Hey,

Would you please try to pick up your son at two o'clock?

Yes,

Sure.

Because I've got plans at four and I can't leave them home.

Okay,

Yeah.

Whether they show up or not at two or four is another story.

And going to my friend that cannot say apologies and cannot own his reality,

I'm going to set my boundary.

They may or may not be able to do it.

Okay.

We then have to choose,

Do I want them in my life or not?

Do I want that person to stay in my life if they cannot own their reality and they never apologize?

Once again,

When we go back into our adult chair and go,

Okay,

So what do I know that's true about my friend,

My friend Joe?

Okay,

Joe is the nicest person.

Joe picks me up from the airport every time I go somewhere.

Joe makes me dinner once a week.

It's all these lovely things that Joe does.

However,

When Joe makes mistakes,

Like forgets to do various things,

He,

For example,

Let's just pretend like Joe forgot to pick him up from the airport one day,

Is it enough to get rid of the friendship or do I just accept Joe for who he is?

Well,

That's who Joe is.

He doesn't know how to say,

I'm sorry.

He might say something else got in the way and I wish he could apologize,

But he can't.

So the question is,

Do I want to kick Joe out of my life or do I want to keep Joe in my life?

Because if I want to keep Joe in my life,

I've got to do one thing and that is accept him for who he is.

And when I accept Joe for who he is,

When he does not apologize,

It does not affect me.

I might wish that he might apologize,

But if I can accept that Joe doesn't really own his reality that well,

It's not granted.

It does not apologize not only to me,

But to anybody.

These are all facts from the adult.

I'm just going to accept him for who he is because overall he's a really good person and I'd like to have him in my life or to keep him in my life.

Now I feel like I need to bring up the co-parent thing again.

I have got quite a few clients that have exes that are really married to some not respectful people.

They're not nice people at all.

And many of my clients would report to me and think that their exes are narcissists or they have borderline personality or something like that.

As you know,

I'm not a huge fan of labels,

But what I hear is there's clearly something going on with some of these ex spouses or ex girlfriends or boyfriends.

So when we have someone that is really manipulative and passive aggressive and not nice,

We really have to practice acceptance even more.

I had a client just a couple of weeks ago and she came in and she's like,

My husband is the biggest asshole.

He is not nice.

He is twisted.

He uses me.

He makes me take the kids all the time.

He travels and he pretends like he doesn't remember that I texted him,

That I can't take the kids on certain weekends and he drops them off at my house.

She goes,

This is one client and I have unfortunately many clients that sound a lot like her.

This guy clearly,

Her ex does not respect her at all.

And I listened to her every other week she comes in and she really complains about her ex.

And I said to her recently,

I said,

Okay.

I said,

I wish I had a magic wand and I could wave it over this guy and I could just fix him and make him completely healthy,

But I can't.

So she has set boundaries.

She has done everything that she can in her power to get him to do the right thing with her kids.

And he's one of those people that talks to the kids about her and throws her under the bus like he's awful.

This one guy is really,

Really bad.

And she comes in upset every week.

And I said to her a couple of weeks ago,

I said,

You know what?

You've got two choices.

I said,

You can come in every other week and we can sit and talk about what an ass this guy is.

And I will listen to you the whole time and you can go on and on and on.

I said,

But my job is to help you to stay connected to yourself.

And my job is to help you to stay in balance emotionally,

Mentally,

Physically,

And spiritually.

That's why you're paying me.

And she said,

I am.

I said,

Then it's time that you accept him.

You have to accept him for who he is.

I know he's a total ass,

But you have to accept him for who he is and stop expecting him to show up like any other person than who he is.

And if he does great.

And by the way,

If he does,

If he's nice to you on a text or an email or you have a face to face exchange,

Don't buy into it unless it lasts more than six months.

Then I'll believe that he's headed some sort of crazy transformation.

Cause I've had many people that have come in and said,

Oh,

I think so and so has changed.

They're very different.

And you know what?

They're not changed.

They're putting on a nice mask.

So I said to her,

You know,

You can accept him or we I'll listen to you every week talk or every other week talking about him.

And she looked at me like,

What?

I don't want to accept his behavior.

And she was very,

Very upset about the idea of accepting it.

And I said,

Accepting it does not mean that you agree with what he's doing.

It doesn't mean not to set boundaries.

It doesn't mean any of that stuff.

Just means he is who he is.

It's like you're trying to see someone else instead of who he really is.

And if you can accept who he really is,

You will be taken out of the drama that you have with this guy.

Not to say that she'll never have bad exchanges with this guy again.

But you got to pull yourself out and accept him for who he is.

He's not going to show up in a different way.

So when you open up an email and when you see that he's texted,

You got to remember and even say a phrase to yourself like he's an asshole.

Oh,

Look who's emailing me.

Okay.

He's a total jerk.

Like you go into it knowing he's a jerk.

I said all this to her and I said,

You're just going to go into it knowing this,

But you've accepted him for who he is.

Here's the thing.

This guy's not going to change unless he has serious therapy or goes away for an intensive or,

And he's not going to do that,

That I know.

Maybe you will.

It'll be a miracle.

But in order to help my client find balance again,

We had to talk about acceptance.

And again,

The adolescent,

There's that egoic part of us that likes to complain and wants that attention and we want validation that we're not wrong and that this person is not showing up in the world because of me or mirroring something in me,

All of these things.

And I said,

He is who he is.

And if he's,

You know,

He's triggering you,

We need to look at some triggers here,

But everything can start to change the moment you accept him.

And when you get a text from him,

Here's the adult share one word answers that we're going to give.

Okay.

Thank you.

Maybe or yes.

That's it.

Because he would text her every once in a while with something that was nice to get his way,

Of course.

And then he would slam her.

And she'd buy into it and text him long paragraph text.

And I said,

Why are you buying into this crap?

He's not changed.

So just stop it.

Get your adult.

Adults can answer like,

Mm hmm.

Okay.

Thank you.

Yes.

No,

Maybe done and be done with it.

From our adult,

We can pause and remember we have choices.

In every moment we have choices.

And what we do instead,

Much of the time is jumping the adolescent chair and we react immediately without even thinking.

And it oftentimes hurts us in the end.

So what we want to do instead is pause,

Take a breath,

Connect to fact and truth,

Get into the adult,

Remember who this person is and we have accepted them for who they are and then respond.

I've read many,

Many,

Many posts in that adult chair close group.

And I certainly have clients like this that say they were raised by a narcissistic parent and they are hurt by them and they're dealing with all kinds of issues in their lives now because of them.

And they're wondering how do they carry on relationships with them?

They don't know and they're visiting and now the holidays are coming and how are they going to interact with them,

Et cetera,

Et cetera,

Et cetera.

And again,

The first thing I say to them is have you accepted them for who they are?

Because I find that inside of us,

If we look at some of our internal parts,

We're always wanting our parents' love and attention,

Affection.

We may want validation from our parents.

Even as adults,

We still long for these things.

I work with people that are in their sixties that are still longing for their,

I remember actually working with someone in their mid seventies that still wanted the acceptance from her mother who was 70 or excuse me,

Who was in her nineties.

She was in her seventies.

And I said to even that lady,

I remember saying to her,

I don't know that your mother will ever be able to do that.

Can you accept that?

Can you accept her the way she is?

Again,

I'm not saying you have to like it,

But when we can accept that person,

The longing that's inside of us,

That longing that we want from that person,

We want that person to show up in a new way.

We want our mother,

Our father,

Our in-laws,

Our whomever to show up differently.

The ex spouses,

The bosses,

I don't care who it is.

We want some people in our lives to show up differently.

And when they don't,

We get let down.

But in my experience,

When we can accept those people for who they are and drop the expectations that they're going to show up as anyone else but themselves,

We become free.

This is all about us.

This is all about,

As I said on that other podcast,

It's all about me.

Our job is to stay connected to ourselves no matter what.

So if you have a parent that is passive aggressive or not nice or not kind or whatever it is,

Know that when you interact with them,

It's going to be that way.

They're not going to show up as different people.

Again,

Maybe they've had miracle transformations and they went away and got help.

Sometimes that happens.

Very,

Very little,

But sometimes it does happen.

But overall,

For those of you that have parents that are just passive aggressive or not kind people,

Remember from our adult,

We have choices.

And I don't care who someone is,

If they're being abusive,

You do not have to stay in that relationship.

I don't care if it's a mother or a father or whomever,

Get out.

No one should tolerate abuse ever.

In my opinion,

I don't feel like any human being should ever be abused.

And if that's happening,

It's time to go.

However,

If you're in a relationship with somebody,

Like a parent,

And they're passive aggressive or they're just not really respectful or they boss you around or they tell you what to do,

When you interact with those people and you're choosing,

You are choosing to keep them in your lives for whatever reason,

When you can accept them for who they are,

I just feel at least in my experience that we show up then with these people,

The triggering is far less because we're already expecting them to be who they're going to be.

If you are triggered,

I would highly advise that you listen to my triggering podcasts.

I was just triggered and I recorded it.

So it's perfect timing.

I believe it's number 98.

I'll put it in the show notes.

I just recorded it just a few months ago.

So clear out those triggers.

And then when you can accept some of these people that are in your life,

You will find they just don't bother us.

As you know,

I had an uncle,

My father's identical twin that was just,

He was terrible.

It really was a very dysfunctional growing up because of him for so many reasons.

And I'm sure most of you know.

And I hated him.

Like,

Absolute.

I thought about killing this guy.

Like I,

When I was in my teenage years,

I was like,

If only he weren't alive,

That's how much,

I mean,

It was really,

Really bad growing up.

And I remember thinking,

Maybe I should hire a hit man.

This was after he had had a huge explosion at my mom and me in our house.

And I was like,

God,

I mean,

I was at my wits end.

So I spent many years with such hatred for this man.

I hated being in the same room with him.

That's how much I hated him.

And I can tell you that the day he died,

I felt such peace,

Not because he died,

But because I had peace with him because I had accepted him for who he was.

As I got older and I started doing more and more of my work,

I realized what I had to do was accept him for who he was and not expect him to show up as anyone but himself.

And we had a very different relationship in his later years of life.

Yes,

Of course,

He had mellowed a little bit,

But he still had a lot of that same dysfunction.

And by the end of his life,

I felt so much different about this guy.

And it was honestly because I had just accepted him for who he was.

That was it.

I did it for me,

Not for him.

I did it for me so I could stay in balance every time I was interacting with him.

But boundaries are huge.

Speaking of that,

If you have someone in your life that is uncomfortable to be with,

When you accept that person,

Remember from our adult,

We can use boundaries,

Meaning I can limit the time that I'm with that person.

Maybe I only want to be with that person for an hour.

Maybe I want to only spend Thanksgiving Day with that person or Christmas Day or whatever holiday.

Maybe I'm just going to spend one day and then I'm out.

Great.

And know when you walk in the door to spend that whatever holiday or birthday with that person,

Expect them to show up like they always have and accept them for who they are.

And again,

If they show up in a different way and they're kind and friendly,

Then what a surprise and it's lovely.

But we're just going to know that they are going to show up as they typically have been,

But I've already accepted them,

So it takes a lot of that angst away.

I want you to know that when you are able to accept someone for who they are,

It leads to transformation.

And this is another reason why people get stuck and they don't want to accept people for who they are because on the other end of acceptance,

We find transformation,

Meaning your whole life could change.

Now it might be an internal change where you just have more peace when you're with that person because you don't expect them to show up in any other way than as they are.

But also your life may transform.

I was recently working with someone and she has a husband that is not interested in intimacy and has not been interested in many,

Many years.

They have many children and they have a great marriage,

But no intimacy or a great marriage from that perspective.

And they have a roof over their head,

They make good money,

They talk,

They have some fun.

What's missing is intimacy and an emotional bond.

So they don't feel safe with each other.

And my client works with me all the time.

She's looking for ideas on how to improve the marriage and how to improve her husband and she's not sure how to do that because she wants to gain that closeness.

But her husband is just a little bit distant when it comes to,

Or not a little bit,

But a lot when it comes to intimacy and when it comes to anything sexually speaking or when she talks about anything emotional.

Otherwise he's a wonderful man.

They've been married almost 20 years now.

So this has been going on for at least 10 years,

I believe.

So everything's great except for these two items and they're really important to her and he won't talk about them.

So she's getting all this work from me.

And finally she came to the conclusion about a month or two ago,

She said,

You know,

I realized something.

I've been trying to fix and change and get my marriage straightened out.

She says with no help from him.

I said,

Okay.

And she said,

I think I need to accept who he is,

That it's not going to change.

As many times have I asked,

Because I said to her,

You know,

You are the one that's doing all the work here.

I don't see him coming in.

He doesn't want to come in.

I don't see him.