One of the aspects of caregiving is this idea of feeling burdened that you know,
I'm here doing this,
But I want to really do that.
And we don't want to accept this because we are giving care for someone who is very close to us,
Our parents especially,
Or our in-laws.
So we are internally fighting this battle that this is something I need to do on top of living my own life.
Or what we do is we drop everything that we are doing in our life and we make caregiving the project of our life.
We think about caregiving,
We talk about caregiving,
We are giving care.
So the topic,
The subject of our constant life is caregiving.
One thing that we miss in the process,
A very vital thing that we miss in the process is that I can only give what I have.
And if I think I'm giving,
I'm making a big sacrifice,
I'm performing my duties.
We are just falling for this righteous voice inside of us.
If you are a caregiver,
You have a moral obligation,
Non-negotiable obligation to take extremely good care of yourself first.
What I mean by good care is that the food that you eat is not negotiable.
It has to nourish you,
It has to give you energy,
It has to uplift you.
You have to move,
You have to exercise.
If you can find time to go to a gym,
Fantastic.
If not,
There are so many online workout programs that you can do even in 10 minutes,
You can do it at home.
But every day,
You have to make this investment in yourself every day,
Whether you feel like it or not.
There is no glory in suffering and giving someone else care.
Because what's happening inside of us is if we are not taking care of ourselves,
There is weeds that grow.
Weeds of resentment,
Discontentment.
We might be getting sick,
Tired,
Exhausted,
Sleep deprived.
And that gets infused in whatever we are doing while we are giving care to someone else.
They can feel it.
This caregiving feels like a burden,
But can we challenge ourselves to find ease in this difficult time?
And the ease only begins with we prioritizing our health,
Depending on how much time you can carve out for yourself.
Food has to be non-negotiable,
Exercise has to be non-negotiable.
Reading,
Something nourishing has to be non-negotiable.
Finding time for sessions like these,
Where you are steeped in truth,
Has to be non-negotiable.
Not all teaching happens in a quiet time.
Like I was telling in one of the sessions the other day that Bhagavad Gita is a very unique dialogue that happened between Krishna and Arjun 5000 years ago in ancient India.
In the middle of a big war,
Some of us are chosen to get deep insights during wartime.
It's just the way it is.
We can't ask why.
But we can't use this as an excuse to not take care of ourselves.
Every time I would say,
Write down on your bathroom mirror that I can only give what I have.
Every time you forget,
This thing should poke you to take care of yourself.
Because if you are well slept,
Nourished,
Peaceful in your mind,
Then caregiving is a neutral thing.
It doesn't have to become this big thing that I'm giving care.
It doesn't have to define you.
I've seen so many times that caregiving becomes a lose-lose situation.
The energy in the house becomes palpably burdensome.
I'm not saying that's what might be happening with you because everyone's exhausted.
Mentally,
They are fighting this event and physically,
They are burning themselves out.
Because there's great pride in saying,
You know what,
I'm giving care for this person,
For my mom,
For my dad,
For my in-laws.
And I'm suffering in the process.
And if I don't suffer,
I'm not doing a good job.
We have to find a sustainable way.
We have to find a way until we find a way.
We have to keep trying to find a way where it feels like a win-win until you find beauty and ease in caregiving.
Sometimes the only thing we can do is do our best.
Actually,
Every time all we can do is do our best.
This is not an exam where we have to show results.
No one is bookkeeping.
No one is sitting there and asking,
You know what,
Sara,
You took a nap today.
You're going to be punished.
You don't have anything to show as results today.
Shame on you.
Nobody is sitting,
Keeping account.
Even if you can find one moment of presence with whoever you are taking care of.
Presence.
Deep presence.
Even a moment in one day.
Moment.
You have succeeded.
You're on the right track.
You don't want to miss the forest for the trees.
The actions don't count as much as your presence counts.
And in these times,
Your presence is a function of your energy.
Of how well slept you are,
How well fed you are.
How relaxed you are.
And if you are an overachiever,
Then try to achieve presence.
The inner critic is helpless in front of this request or this ask of being present.
Because when you are present,
The critic is absent.
And when you sleep,
When you go to sleep at night,
You have to honestly ask yourself,
Did I live a good life?
Not whether I'm a good daughter or a daughter-in-law.
Did I live a good life?
Did I do my best?
Given what I had,
Did I make the most of it?
If yes,
Great.
If there is something else you could do,
Not in terms of actions,
As much as in terms of softness and presence.
Let's try tomorrow again.
But it's not all about caregiving.
That's why this question is important.
Did I live a good life?
Now if you have time,
You can find some creative outlet.
So that you don't feel like life is just about this.
Even if it is half an hour.
Maybe write a little.
Maybe sing a little.
So that you are feeding parts of yourself that are starving.
So caregiving doesn't become this whole life.
It is a part of life.
Maybe call your friends over if you can't go out once in a while.
Nourish all aspects of you while performing your duties.
I've heard from Amruta when she was,
Amruta is my wife,
When she was in a caregiver role for her mom before we were married.
Eventually it got to her.
She felt exhausted.
She felt like she didn't have a life.
And eventually she felt like running away.
So if we have found ourselves in this situation,
We have to realize that fighting it is where most of the energy goes.
How can we find life within these given constraints?
That becomes the challenge.
I can feel that you like challenges in life.
Mentally stimulating challenges.
So the challenge becomes to live a fulfilled life in these circumstances.
Not a life of sorrow,
Of adjustment,
Of compromise.
But a full life.
How?
That's for your mind to figure out.
Give it such a juicy question.
Such a juicy puzzle to solve.
How do we make the most of this?
Rather than fighting this,
We are going to put our minds,
This powerful tool,
In solving this puzzle.
And that's wisdom.
We are using our minds for the right thing.
So instead of complaining,
Instead of cribbing,
The mind is like,
Okay.
So the mind becomes an ally in the process.
And whatever four,
Five,
Six hours that you are spending time with your loved one,
You are stoked about it.
You are present.
Even if you are not speaking,
That silence can be felt.
That ease can be felt.
