The big thing that demonstrates the quality of our life is the depth and quality of our relationships.
Yes,
We start off any endeavor with a job,
With a business,
With school,
With anything else with a goal in mind of let's say money,
Name,
Fame etc.
But when it comes to that quiet recognition then what we are looking for is not what is obvious,
What can be measured,
What can be counted,
What can be owned but what matters is the intangible,
The love,
The fulfillment,
The friendship,
The comfort that we feel in our own house with our loved ones and our family that might not be living in the house but there is still an intense bond.
That's the first place of community that we have and not as a bullet point in a powerpoint presentation but as a living experience of feeling fulfilled,
Not while describing it to others in words but actually feeling that consistently with our spouses,
With our kids,
With our parents,
With our siblings.
That's the first and most important circle of relationships that provides us the biggest support,
The biggest fulfillment or the biggest suffering.
Yes,
We all have family,
Yes we love them,
That's how we describe it to everyone,
That's how we describe it to our friends as well but when it comes to a very intimate subjective experience of how you feel regularly is very important because that is what brings you back home,
That is what celebration is all about with people who we share the deepest bonds with,
Not in theory and I keep repeating this again but as a lived consistent experience.
Money,
Property,
Words,
Past hurts,
Comments,
All these things are enough for us to alienate us from our family.
Some of us have been waiting for an apology from our family for years and our family has been waiting for an apology from us for years.
Think of relationships as a flow of energy,
A flow of love,
A flow of ease and it's not a single-sided flow,
It's a two-sided flow and because there is this special bond of bloodline of shared childhood experiences it has left a very strong imprint on our mind and we long for those relationships.
Yes,
We might have friends,
We might have co-workers but nothing beats the ease of being with family members where this flow is evident.
Evident.
You don't know why you had a good time because just the company facilitated that good time.
Otherwise something you need to do,
You need to do an activity with someone to say that you know what I had a good time but with this first circle of relationships even if you just sit around fire,
Eat a regular meal together,
Watch a movie together,
Play board games together,
That is enough for you to feel that depth.
No matter how much successful you get,
No matter how much money you have,
No matter how much fame you have,
This aspect remains the same.
The need of this aspect remains the same.
I remember a decade ago,
I was on this self-healing journey and I wanted to take a solo trip to the rocky mountains and I booked my entire journey.
Actually,
I just had my go ticket and my return ticket and a rental car.
Everything else was on the go and the beauty of the place blew my mind.
I was alone,
I was hiking,
I was doing things alone,
Going to places that were scary alone and there was a thrill but in the first four days I had climbed so many mountains that I was exhausted.
I remember trying to build a fire but I was camping and I built a fire at around 6 p.
M.
It was still pretty bright and I felt lonely.
I had this fire but no one to share it with.
That feeling was so stark that I realized that yes,
Doing things alone was fun but when it really mattered,
I needed company,
I needed depth,
Silence,
Even if it is silence,
Silence of friendship and I've realized that I like to eat food with my friends and family,
Even at work because that's what nourishes me and the reason I'm telling you this story is because I was having this conversation with my wife and she's had a tumultuous relationship with her sister and she's hurt and she wants her sister to apologize and this insight came to me when I was talking to her that this sensitivity in us,
The love in us wants to forgive,
It is waiting to forgive but we have kept this weird stipulation that somebody needs to apologize first and quote-unquote earn my forgiveness and the more I think about it,
Generosity is the same way,
Love is the same way,
We want to give but the mind has kept these conditions that I will only give if the other person gives I will only forgive when somebody asks for forgiveness the thought of giving something,
At least from your side,
It doesn't have to be told to the other person that you are forgiven if that's what the mind's concern is but what if we can let go from holding the grudge,
Let go from holding back and giving in our generosity,
In our love,
In our friendship,
In our time,
In our effort,
In our presence just because you can just because you can and the most beautiful part about giving is that you give more in kind than in material,
That the more you give the lighter you feel the easier the flow starts,
Energetic flow starts within you otherwise if you have had this kind of quote-unquote cold war with someone especially your loved ones hopefully not someone who you live with there is awkwardness when you meet them,
When you interact with them you will feel it in your shoulders,
In your belly,
In your chest,
In your hands that restriction of holding back,
Of not being yourself that's not normal keeping conditions to give love to show friendship,
To show generosity is the mind's way of making relationships transactional and I'm not saying we should go on giving to everyone but to the ones that matter to us so we get to decide and it's not a one-time decision,
You can keep this as an open decision because you know that the quality of your life is the quality of your relationships the more you take any relationship for granted,
Your spouse,
Your kids,
Your parents,
Your siblings,
Your friends that relationship starts suffocating and dying of course it's a very slow process but you have a say in this relationship because you have decided that these people matter to you you want to eat a meal with them,
You want to share a meal with them you want to be around them you want to feel that ease that I can be myself and they can be myself and they can be themselves,
Of course it's a two-way street,
Right?
Especially to have this kind of generous non-judgmental relationship with our spouse with our partner,
With our kids so that there is a friend in you for them so that they look up to you for experience,
For wisdom when life troubles them you look up to them for youth for their presence when you share a meal together,
To go above and beyond,
To make that meal special because when you're thinking about what has happened in the past that energy that I described which gets stuck,
That awkwardness of course it can be felt we are poor actors the differences between our co-workers with our family members reflects in our behavior and we are becoming that emotionally constipated our relationships are becoming emotionally constipated and the reason this is important to be done from your side is because you are the one listening to this you are the one open to this the mind wants to win and there's not enough winning for the mind to be victorious it always wants to win as long as you are in this game of winning and losing,
The mind wants to win you get to decide in these relationships that there is no winning or losing,
I'm not playing the game because this is too precious and too sacred for me to taint with winning and losing so even if you have to make the phone call first even if you have to go and give a 60 second hug until there are tears in both of you,
In your eyes that's okay because you're not interested in winning and losing is out of question yes it's very difficult to go first,
To wear your heart on your sleeve to be vulnerable but without being vulnerable there is no fulfillment there is either vulnerability,
Openness and love or there is judgment and isolation and awkwardness we are already playing those games with strangers outside if we do this even at home then what kind of life have we left,
What kind of life have we lived coming from a place of self-preservation in our relationships especially with our loved ones that inner circle which you get to decide the self-preservation keeps us on our toes there's always mistrust that I'm being used and that's the point to let them use you that's what love is that's what ease is that you are giving when you were raising children if you have children you were always the ATM machine any taking from kids was to teach them the value of giving to paying I'm sure your mind must be retaliating at this sentence formation of being used this is equally atrocious formation as self-preservation you are preserving yourself especially from the ones you love you are holding back I'm not asking you to become a doormat I'm asking you to decide those people in your life and be generous overly generous with time with effort with presence with things with thinking with planning with strategizing especially be generous with your emotions we have forgotten that ease that we felt when we were kids with our friends carefree we could eat the crappiest food together but it was fun there was no inhibition no holding back even if you were being made fun of they were still your people and somehow as we have grown up we have become more and more isolated the circle has become more and more judgmental we can't do anything about others and their transformation of going from ease to judgmental but we can do something about yours your isolation your habit of judging holding back self-preserving I remember when I started with my first teacher 2013 one of the first few days she asked me or asked us to send emails make phone calls to people who you are thinking about when these topics are coming up and apologize put out your hand for the handshake first hug them feed them give them your presence genuinely generously share with them without conditions share make your house a beacon of an ashram where people can come for respite and food you become the head monk of that ashram why?
Because you can there are infinite reasons for why not but if you want to feel that ease in relationships,
That depth in your life the meaning and fulfillment of everything that you have achieved and accumulated in your life isn't sharing isn't giving you already have this insight,
This wisdom what else would the mind want in exchange more money more words more emotions and once you start you will realize how hard it is to unclog this emotional constipation once it's unclogged,
You don't want to clog it again so give it a try take the leap thank you
