Mindful Dialogue For Conflict Resolution Or Collaboration

Hello fellow humans,

Welcome to this mindful dialogue process.

So for preparing for this dialogue,

Just check that both the people are willing to try this system.

And if this is an intense situation,

Then each person might want to go through a self-empathy process.

And remember to express as authentically and vulnerably as possible.

This will go a long way in connection and understanding.

And also agree to create a safe attitude that encourages this authentic and vulnerable way of speaking.

Now you will need to decide who wants to speak first.

And that's usually the person who's maybe having the hardest time listening to the other person.

Then we want to give them a chance to go first so that they can get some empathy and that might create some space in them.

So the materials you'll need are paper and pen for each person and one paper for the middle.

And I highly encourage you to use a feelings list and a needs list.

And you can just find those on online as universal human needs list or feelings list so that you have something to refer to.

It's not absolutely necessary but it can really help not only to help you identify your feelings and needs but also to keep the conversation focused on those rather than the story in our heads that can kind of run away with us.

So there will be several times where you'll be pausing this recording so you can follow the instructions.

So this will be your first time.

You can pause and get your materials and then press play when you're ready.

Okay welcome back.

Now we're going to have a person A and a person B.

Person A will be the first speaker and when it's your turn speaking focus on what the experience Focus on what the experience is like for you.

On what you're feeling and what needs are being met or unmet underneath the feelings.

For example I might be feeling frustrated because I really want to be heard or I might be feeling sad because I really want connection or companionship.

I might be feeling anxious because I really need predictability.

So that way of wording it is great if you can focus on that.

So you want to avoid proving or pointing out what the person did wrong.

Because remember you want to be heard here and even though you might be have that story in your head that's not really going to get you that's not really going to land in a way that's likely to be heard.

You can even imagine that you're speaking to Gandhi or Mother Teresa before you talk just think how would you word it if you were talking to them.

And then now for the listener you really want to put your story aside put your experience aside you will have a turn and right now try to really focus on the speaker.

Try to really get what the experience is like for them and try to understand what they're feeling and what they're needing.

Find yourself opening your heart to their humanity.

And it helps if you realize you don't have to agree with what the person is saying.

They have their reality you have yours.

They're both valid because each person has their own experience and we're not trying to resolve what's right or who remembers accurately.

That's kind of putting us off the track of understanding each other and each other's experience.

So just try to be listening actively and deeply and if something does occur to you that you really feel strongly about saying jot it down on your piece of paper so that you remember to say it later.

Okay so now let's begin with one minute of silence so everybody can just ground here maybe feel the feet feel your feet on the ground feel your seat feel your feet on the ground feel your seat just focus on your feet and seat and I'll be quiet for a minute so you can just leave everything else so out of here let everything else go and just bring yourself to this moment.

Okay so now we're going to essentially you'll be just taking turns speaking and understanding for this part portion of the dialogue so person A you're going to talk mainly about what it's like for you how you feel and what your needs are and person B you're going to talk about and person B is going to listen to understand what's going on for A.

Person A you can start talking now pause the recording and just say what it's like for you how you feel and what you need.

Okay welcome back so now that person A has spoken person B can you tell person A what you heard in your own words what was it that you heard is going on for person A.

You can word it like this you could say what I hear is that for you and then repeat back what you heard them say about what it's like for them.

Okay so I'll pause here so you can do that now.

Okay welcome back at this point we want to check with person A to make sure that person B is understanding what you would like them to understand so you'll be checking for that and if there's more you want person B to know then go ahead and tell them now and you can pause the recording to do that.

Okay so now that the full understanding is confirmed by person A you can both work at identifying what A's needs are.

You can both work at identifying what A's needs are.

Another way to say is what's important to A or what is person A yearning for and together you can come up with a list and write them on the shared list that you have that you're going to create together with all of your needs on one list and you can pause to do that.

Welcome back and person A if all your needs have been identified the most important ones at least if they've been identified and are on the list then let's switch to person B talking now.

Okay so person B you will be talking mainly about what it's like for you how you feel and what you need and person A you'll be listening to understand what's going on for B so you can pause the recording to do that now.

Okay welcome back so now person A can you tell B what you heard is going on for them.

You can say something like okay so for you and then repeat back in your own words what they're feeling and needing and we can pause to do that.

And we can pause to do that.

Welcome back now is the point where we check with person B to see if there's full understanding of what you wanted A to understand and if not please elaborate more and tell them what more you would like them to know.

You can pause to do that now.

Welcome back now you will both work at identifying B's needs now what is it that's important to B what is person B yearning for and write them not on a separate list not next to the other list right on the same list of needs right so that we are encouraging this shared shared interest in all of the needs and once you have that list you will be coming up with solutions together so you can pause to make sure you're putting all the needs on the list now.

Okay so there are a lot of pauses in this exercise and I hope that that's working okay for you and the next part we want to identify the key needs for each person so maybe put stars next to those most crucial needs for you press pause now to do that and press pause now to do that and then the two of you can brainstorm solutions that would meet as many of those needs on your shared list as possible try to think outside the box you can pause to think of some solutions now.

Okay so from those solutions decide which solutions both people are actually willing to do and in this sense what could both people live with in a way like that you're willing to live with doing it this way okay so pause to decide that now.

And then think of ways you can support the solution happening meaning how can you help each other remind each other get an accountability buddy put it on the schedule use phone reminders enlist someone's help so you're thinking of ways to support this agreement actually happening you can pause the recording now to think of those supports one crucial part of this is that both people can agree that if this solution doesn't work that you'll be willing to come back to the table to brainstorm together again learning from what did and didn't work out so far and then you can come back to the table and brainstorm again so that this is like a process it's not this high expectation agreement where if someone does isn't able to do it then we give up it's more how can we get better at this collaboration and understanding each other's needs and building a connection and communication based on that work in progress so this can be a difficult process and try to keep an open heart and an open mind and remember everyone is really doing their best and hopefully you can find solutions that meet more needs and have a chance to learn about yourselves and each other through this process be well fellow humans