Self Pity Party

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Welcome back spiritual friendies.

Hello.

Yay.

We're so glad you're here today and we're going to talk about self-pity.

And I feel cringy and kind of golemy even saying that word.

And I actually think it's probably a pretty standard reaction that most of us have to an experience that's so frequently judged and looked down on.

And I'm not sure if that's true for you,

But it's definitely true for me.

So what is self-pity?

According to the dictionary,

Best place,

Such a great resource,

It's excessive self-absorbed unhappiness over one's own troubles.

And whether we like to admit it or not,

I think most people have had the experience of self-pity.

And especially if you're on a spiritual path,

It might not be why you started practicing spirituality,

But when we start,

It's really easy to look at all the ways we experience self-absorbed unhappiness over our own troubles.

So if self-pity is that feeling in excess,

When does it cross the line?

What makes something shift from being just a normal part of the human experience to being this toxic and unacceptable or even disgusting attitude?

Dare I say.

And those are all my own judgments,

Obviously.

But maybe some of them are relatable.

And I think that what happens when we're crossing the line is that we're getting stuck in a chronic pattern of self-pity rather than in the moment kind of feelings of being at the end of our rope.

I can definitely say that since I started practicing spirituality and all these years down the line,

It's self-pity and victimhood are still like leading the hindrance parade as my biggest spiritual blockages.

They occupy a lot of space for me.

And it's easiest for me to really touch into self-pity,

Especially around physical health issues.

But people experience self-pity in all different areas of their lives.

So maybe you're experiencing self-pity because of a relationship that's really a struggle or the loss of a relationship.

Maybe it's about your job or your financial situation.

Maybe it's about your past history,

Your family,

Your upbringing or some kind of traumatic event that happened in your childhood.

Whatever it is,

I believe that self-pity is a really natural part of being human.

And I think we can all relate to that feeling on some level.

And when we don't get stuck in it,

I think self-pity can probably help us move toward acceptance of a difficult situation or coping with being an adult and taking responsibility for ourselves.

So I'm curious about when self-pity becomes chronic and habitual and how that can damage the relationships that we have with ourselves,

With being alive and being in the world,

With other people,

With our life circumstances.

And I think we can probably all conjure up a person who we know that lives in a chronic attitude of self-pity and how kind of exhausting it is to interact with that talk track.

So let's talk about self-pity.

What does it look like for us and in our lives?

And where can we notice it in the past or current versions of ourselves?

When does self-pity arise and what does it need?

Annie,

You're up.

Hey.

Before I started on this spiritual path,

I didn't know there was really a way to step out of self-pity.

And having a spiritual inventory practice has been so interesting.

You mentioned taking responsibility for ourselves.

And once I started to see that I had a part in things,

Even if something had happened to me that was negative,

Then I could start to see where self-pity actually could kind of hurt me and get in the way of me living as a whole person.

But before that,

Like many emotions and life reactions,

Self-pity just happened to me.

I'd be like,

Oh gosh,

It's hard to be me.

And I have a tendency to be extreme.

No.

So I'd go to extremes with that.

So it'd be extreme wallowing of feeling really bad that I was having the experience that I was.

And then a sneaky way to really compound it was with the second arrow of being mad at myself for feeling self-pity.

So I'd say you have nothing to complain about.

You experienced such privilege.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself,

Annie.

That was just kind of like an extra putting a nice little cozy snuggie on my self-pity.

So obviously there was no healthy balance around what can be a normal human response to life.

But the time that I'm usually in self-pity is when I don't feel well.

And I know Ella has a lot of experience around this.

And so my experience in comparison is so wimpy.

It makes me realize.

I was somewhere with Lindsay one time,

We were kind of in a group setting and I wasn't feeling well.

And we were all reading something together and I was sitting there thinking about how I didn't feel well.

And I got to the point where I almost started crying for myself because I felt so bad for myself that I was getting sick.

And then Lindsay happened to share and say something almost verbatim to that,

But like kind of teasing about herself.

And it snapped me out of it.

And it was like,

It gave me this perspective of,

Oh my God,

I am taking it so seriously.

Like yeah,

I'm getting sick and yeah,

I don't feel good.

And that's okay.

I don't have to cry about it.

Usually just for me,

Self-pity is usually pretty self-centered and it's really seductive.

So when I get into it,

Like that's anecdote I just shared of starting to,

I'm 40,

Starting to cry for myself because I was getting sick.

That is kind of a slippery place for me to be.

So when I notice it,

I have some ways to take action around it,

Which I will share in a little bit.

Annie,

That's so great.

I love how you were talking about the compounding self-pity second arrow thing,

Because I think that's such a common experience is self-pity feels so toxic and not okay that immediately we're adding ourselves for having that experience.

And I also just want to say that people say stuff like what you shared about your experience being wimpy and that is totally not my feeling.

We all have human bodies.

We all have the experience of physical and emotional suffering.

I don't think that mine is different.

We all have this experience and it's the experience of being alive and being human.

It actually comforts me to know that other people have experiences that are similar to mine.

So I don't,

That's not my perspective.

Oh,

That's nice.

Lindsay,

Will you let us know what self-pity is like for you?

Oh,

Yes.

I was glad about this topic and am glad about this topic because when I was introduced to the terms self-pity and victimhood,

I was like,

That has nothing to do with me.

I'm a hero.

That's simple.

And getting to explore what these words even mean and then what it looks like in my life or could look like if I started to look for them has been very eye-opening and has helped me to stop the cycle of the self-pity,

Shame,

And victimhood that turns out I was living in.

Surprise.

Thank you,

Ella.

I loved at the beginning that really helped me everything that you talked about.

The dictionary is my number one tool and it's so cool because there are so many different definitions whether it just be the first definition for self-pity and then if you get into the cognitive psychology dictionary,

Then it really starts to have a lot more meaning.

I had a really eye-opening experience with self-pity this time around first finding out that I actually have it and then getting to see that there's other ways to look at this.

It makes sense why I disliked the word so much and acted as though I didn't have it just as you were saying,

Excessive self-absorbed unhappiness over one's own troubles.

It's just like the ego personified and oh my God,

How horrible.

Then I looked at the psychology of self-pity and in psychology,

It has a strong interpersonal component.

Self-pity is a coping mechanism that we develop to deal with life's immense disappointments and frustrations.

What seems like defensive posturing of self-pity is actually compassion that we extend to ourselves.

Becoming yourself has terrible connotations,

But it belongs to what it means to be a friend to oneself.

Oh,

Frenzy.

That's so sweet.

A spiritual friend.

Oh,

And that really helped me to switch it.

It belongs to what it means to be a friend to oneself.

In my experience,

My instincts of self-pity have gone awry into the deep and far past having empathy for myself and nurturing the hurt inside.

Before I was losing the art of self-pity that can lurk closer to depression.

Some areas that I see as needing self-pity to nurture and care for myself have often spiraled out only to land into oh,

Poor me,

Poor me,

And then I just stay there.

I didn't have the tools to cope and nurture myself.

I only knew the part that cried out in pain and sadness.

I didn't understand a more mature aspect of the self-exist to turn to the weak part of the psyche and comfort them to complete the useful function of self-pity.

There's quite a lot to unpack there,

But that's been really helping me.

I love that.

So helpful.

Thank you so much,

Lindsay.

You said all the things so eloquently that I'm like,

I have this feeling that self-pity serves a function.

Thank you for eliciting that.

For me,

It's still the biggest place where self-pity rears its little head is with my health and how I'm feeling physically.

On a good day,

I can actually feel grateful that I've had such strong motivation to look at self-pity because of all the suffering it causes me.

That is stuff that I would never have looked at otherwise.

Fast forward a few years and I'm living in this intentional Buddhist community and there's a really strict schedule that we're all supposed to be following.

I am not following it very well.

There are some people who would agree with that statement,

But I certainly wasn't following it the way that I saw some people following it and I had a lot of shame about that.

I was seeing this pattern happening even if I was legitimately sick that I would feel so ashamed of not showing up for something that then I would be like,

Well,

Now you stay in your room and you can't go out because what if you see someone there like I thought you were sick?

The more I thought about how I wasn't feeling well or forced myself to stay in my room,

The more I would get stuck in the excessive self-absorbed unhappiness.

This really icky pattern,

The more situations I had where I was physically uncomfortable and the more I added this kind of hiding out emotional suffering,

The more care and attention I needed and the less I felt like I could give it to myself,

The more I just wanted to be rescued.

That's where self-pity is really alive for me is when I have these uphill medical issues,

When my body's exhausted and I need to feel a little sorry for myself sometimes.

But I think there's a way how Lindsay was talking about it to use self-pity as a tool to access deep compassion and feel the feelings that just need to be released without getting stuck in it.

So I think this is a good time to turn to our tools.

What helps you when you feel like you're falling into a cycle of self-pity or you're getting into the really excessive aspects of it?

How can we just shift out of that?

How can we just be with it?

Is it up to me?

Yeah,

Solve it now,

Please.

Okay.

Of course I have this all figured out.

Tools for self-pity.

My favorite tool is recognizing.

Like I was saying in the beginning,

I really felt like I didn't identify with self-pity and victimhood and maybe the ones that feel like,

Oh,

I'm good.

That doesn't apply to me.

Maybe look those up in the dictionary.

Digging more deeply into that,

Identifying the hurt,

Especially the small hurts that need compassion and empathy from myself.

Small hurts will add up into large hurts,

So it's really important to acknowledge them,

Nurture the pain,

And then ask myself,

Can I supply the attention,

Empathy,

Or help that I need appropriately?

Would it be possible for me to supply this effectively or do I need some help from friends,

Community,

My therapist,

Or maybe even a doctor?

Getting to know myself,

Becoming curious in the ways that I need to be nurtured,

Really,

Really helpful.

And that's a really intimate relationship with myself that I have to cultivate on a daily basis.

So self-pity is actually the indicator.

It's the lamp post of something is here.

I am hurting.

What is the need,

Want,

Or desire?

What is that?

And how can I supply that for myself,

Which then can help stop the victimhood because what happens a lot is I want someone to rescue me.

So can I show up for myself in those ways and supply the attention,

Empathy,

Or help that I need?

Use the phrase,

I see you are hurting and I am here,

Is helpful to myself.

That's just something I've been using for myself.

And you can use any phrase to acknowledge what's going on for yourself.

We love Tara Brock over here.

We bring her up a lot.

I highly recommend her as a teacher.

You can listen to her podcast anytime.

And her phrase that she likes is,

It's okay,

Sweetheart.

Oftentimes putting my hand on my heart and feeling my feelings while comforting myself has brought so much relief.

I remind myself that self-pity is an indicator and a part of me,

That a part of me is hurting or may need attention.

And when used appropriately,

I can tend to my pain and move on or stay there for a little while if I need to,

Because sometimes,

Again,

With healing,

It's not linear.

And sometimes it's really slow.

And then sometimes we even take the backwards step.

I love that.

It's basically my tool is exactly the same.

I was going to text you because I read yours and I was like,

I'd already anyway.

It's so great.

I know it's what it is.

It works.

Yeah.

Okay,

Annie,

You're going to mix us up in the middle.

I'm going to mix it up.

Yeah.

I just had to share this when you were talking about false excuses for not showing up for life and the illness.

I thought of a friend of mine who was very hungover one time and called into work and told them she was bleeding out of her ear.

Oh,

You will die.

You get real creative with a hangover.

You will die.

And they said,

Don't go that far.

They don't believe you.

And she said,

Do you want me to bring in my pillowcase?

Oh my God.

So I just thought that that was hilarious.

It sounds like Ebola to me.

She had a miraculous recovery and went into work the next day.

It needs to be smaller things.

I love these tools and I really appreciate,

Lindsay,

What you were sharing about these definitions and self pity being an indicator of a need for compassion.

A common theme that I have is disdain for my experience unless it's a positive one.

Yes.

Oh,

Right.

Then I love it.

Yeah.

So then,

But I punish myself.

I'm like,

You shouldn't feel like this.

Get over it.

And so if I'm having,

For example,

My example of,

You know,

Wanting to cry for myself because I'm feeling sick,

I mean,

That was kind of funny.

But also the other half of my brain's like,

Oh,

I roll Annie.

Really?

So if I can find that sweeter spot of the compassion of like,

Oh,

Little Bubba,

You don't feel good.

Of course you want to cry.

It is a little funny,

But we do love you.

So thank you for that.

I get to learn so much while we do this.

My tool is really a practical one.

I love a practical tool,

But it's also a spiritual one and it's service.

So being of service really helps me get out of self pity.

And I think that what I'm hearing is self pity when we look at it in terms of healing emotionally can be really helpful.

But for me,

It's also sometimes an easy place to just rest.

So if I'm not actually doing some deep emotional work and in like a healing space and I just kind of feel bad for myself because I have to work hard that day or maybe I have a bit of a headache or maybe my wife's not doing what I want her to do.

They never do.

Then I need to shift.

I don't need to,

But it's quite helpful for my spiritual state if I shift out of it so I can notice it.

So when I'm in that cycle of poor me and I take myself so seriously,

You know,

I really am like,

Gosh,

Yeah,

Which is confusing because I just told you I've disdained from my experience it's complex in here guys.

That's all I can say.

It's complicated.

It's so complicated.

So perspective shift happens with the service and there's this magic quality that happens when I start being helpful.

Suddenly I become a useful person and instead of being a self obsessed person,

My focus on my own suffering gets diminished and I feel a greater spiritual connection to the world.

It's important to note that if my self pity is around feeling like people take advantage of me,

That I can be of service in a way that empowers me and not in a way that makes me feel used up.

So just check in with yourself and say,

Oh,

Do I feel like I'm getting rung dry and approach it in a way that feels helpful.

So healthy boundaries are such an important part of so many of these tools.

And I think we should talk about healthy boundaries in a future topic.

Just throwing that out there.

So some simple ways to be a service.

One that I love is just helping people in need.

Whether it's someone who I know is struggling or having a hard time,

Just making a connection and asking how they're doing.

Just being supportive.

Maybe if interacting with people,

You're not up for it.

You can take a walk in the park and pick up trash.

Bring a bag and clean up.

I have that little arm.

It's so great.

The grabby arm.

Yeah,

The grabber.

Yeah,

The little grab arm.

Just like clean up your neighborhood.

It makes me feel so good.

It feels so nice.

It's like,

Oh,

Then I'm being helpful to the environment,

To the people around me,

To my neighborhood.

I can call a relative that I don't ever talk to and check in about their life.

Yeah.

This is our healthy boundaries.

You can take your elderly neighbor's dog for a walk.

It's really,

You could do anything.

So these are just some examples of if you're unsure where to start.

Another great thing to do is saying a prayer and you can pray to whatever,

Whoever,

However,

God,

Universe,

Great spirit,

Whatever.

But here's a simple tool,

A simple prayer.

Great spirit,

Please show me how to be of service today.

It's pretty simple.

And then listen.

And you'll start seeing some opportunities.

Or you can maybe add on if you want to get fancy.

Please guide me through this self pity and out of self centered fear.

Hey,

Oh,

Ho,

Ho tools for life.

Yeah.

So just for me,

Shifting into action and service usually can quickly change my mindset from one of sitting in my experience and really feeling the suffering to one of gratitude.

That's so great.

So helpful.

I love turning towards other people's problems rather than my own.

Mine are really a big deal though,

So I have to,

Once I get in there,

It's going to take a while.

Once I stopped thinking about myself so much because I'm thinking of how I can help someone else that really just gives me the moment of reprieve and reminds me,

Oh,

I like it better when I'm not so stuck in self.

Such a great tool.

Such a good shift in perspective.

I love what you have been sharing and it's given me a lot to think about.

My tool is really similar to Lindsay's,

Which is I believe in the deepest part of myself that human beings are meant to be human beings,

That we have emotions and we have them for a reason.

They're trying to communicate important information to us.

Our judgment of them can make it feel like it's bad or wrong that we have them,

But they exist for a reason.

I believe that's why,

Is to clue us into a situation that's happening or a need that's going unmet.

When I'm experiencing self-pity,

Usually I'm at the end of my rope,

Physically,

Spiritually,

Emotionally.

I've been trying to fight back against some difficulty and I'm frustrated,

I'm exhausted,

I'm upset,

I'm just done.

My tool is to build this atmosphere of understanding using affirmations to help myself feel understood and then to directly ask those feelings that self-pitying part of myself,

What do you need right now?

If I think of self-pity as part of this larger process,

Of course it can turn into a maladaptive coping mechanism if I'm practicing it habitually,

But what if it's just part of this process and it actually has its place among the other normal yet uncomfortable parts of being a human with feelings?

How can I use self-pity the same way Lindsay was talking about?

This is a signpost.

How can the experience of self-pity trigger my process of acceptance?

How can I call upon the kind,

Wise,

Understanding part of myself that I'm not in charge of controlling?

If it's the amount of compassion that Ella by herself can muster,

It just doesn't compare to that overflowing source of love and understanding that I can tap into in those really dire moments.

The affirmations I say are things like,

I know,

Sweetheart.

Sometimes the only true thing I can say is this is so hard right now.

I say stuff like,

It's not fair,

Honey.

How you feel makes sense.

Your feelings matter to me.

You don't have to try to be strong right now.

And usually what happens when I'm meeting my feelings with that really loving,

Grandmotherly attitude is that I cry.

And actually what Annie was like,

Maybe I don't need to cry right now.

I was like,

That's funny because that's actually my tool is just to cry.

Usually for me,

Crying is really important because there's this sadness and grief underneath the self-pity that really needs my attention.

And the self-pity is this kind of like hard exterior posturing to not really dip into the depth of that feeling.

Side note,

Crying is actually really good for you.

Humans are the only animals who do emotional crying.

And what that means is when we cry,

We activate the regulatory and immune systems that restore us to optimal functioning.

So a good cry can actually be really restorative.

It can help us come back to a place of hope where we're willing to try again afterward.

It can help us release really heavy stuff that we've been trying to bear.

So for me,

The tool to meet self-pity is that first that mindfulness that Lindsay was describing of something is happening and it requires my attention.

And once I have that awareness,

Then I can soften into letting myself feel the depth of whatever the self-pity is pointing to.

And I can do it in a way that's a little bit more graceful,

Even though oftentimes it's messy and requires a box of tissues,

Some other stuff.

There's a quote that says,

The cure for anything is salt water,

Tears,

Sweat,

Or the sea.

Ooh,

I like that.

So when we were talking about that,

I remembered for you,

Epsom salt bath.

I love the bath.

I know.

So I was like,

Wow,

This is really appropriate.

I get all salty in there.

Yeah.

So it makes sense.

The cure.

So now that we've solved everything,

I'm not sure we'll have a ton to talk about next time.

But if anyone wants to share about their experience with self-pity,

They should email us.

Oh yeah,

Definitely email us.

Pretty Spiritual Podcast at Gmail.

We're also on Instagram at Pretty Spiritual Podcast.

We want to connect with you and have this be a mutual conversation.

So share what it's like for you or what tools are working or not working.

We have a website,

Www.

Prettyspiritualpodcast.

Com.

It's worldwide web dot.

It's this new technology.

I'm not sure if you've heard of it.

Www.

There's going to be some stuff on there that's useful also.

And so next week,

Next week,

We wanted to talk about something simple,

But super complicated,

How to pray.

Oof.

It's so confusing.

Some people have never done it before.

Some people have only learned one way to do it,

But maybe want to experiment with other ways.

So we're going to talk about our experiences with how we pray,

How we came to that and offer some suggestions for bringing it into your life,

Whatever it might look like.

So cool.

Great.

We'll talk to you then.

Bye.

See you next week.