Dear Grief Guide, No One Wants To Remember My Person With Me

Hello and welcome to Dear Grief Guide,

A podcast where each week I answer one anonymous letter from a listener feeling lost,

Stuck,

Heartbroken,

Or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.

My name is Shelby Forsythia.

I'm a grief coach and author,

And I'm here to help you create a life you love from the life loss forced you to live.

Let's get to today's letter.

Dear Grief Guide,

Greetings from someplace in Europe.

I lost my best friend last May from a cardiac event.

It was totally unexpected.

She was 24,

And I am too.

I had a special relationship with her.

My other friends loved her,

But didn't have the same bond we had.

We're all in a critical stage of our life where we're finishing graduate school and we're starting to have jobs,

So between graduation parties,

Exams,

PhD applications,

And long hours in the lab,

We're all scientists.

We didn't find the time to grieve together.

I have a sense that they don't want to do that because it's too much on top of all the responsibilities and pressure we now have,

And I respect that.

Her poor family is lovely.

I keep in contact with her brother,

And I try to support them all,

But it's like pain has built a wall between us.

Plus,

I didn't get to know them very much before my friend passed,

So they love me and thank me for the friend I've been for her.

But all in all,

I'm a stranger to them.

So again,

I back down.

Now the one-year anniversary of her death is not far away.

I want to organize a picnic,

But I am scared to death that no one is going to come.

That no one wants to remember our special girl with me.

I'm afraid it will devastate me and anger me.

I'm afraid that no one wants to remember my best friend with me.

How can I organize that day and make it beautiful for everyone?

And if my worst fear comes true,

How can I deal with the outcome of no one coming?

You are wonderful.

Thanks a lot for the work you do.

Signed,

Friendless Unicorn.

Okay Friendless Unicorn.

Your letter brought me to tears because just last summer,

On the one-year anniversary of my best friend's death,

My friend group and I planned a picnic for her.

We were all close to her in ways that I imagine are different than you and your friend group,

And so there was a lot more kind of opt-in for participation.

It was a given that we would all be there together at the same time,

But we called it a picnic because her favorite color was pink and everyone wore pink and it was beautiful.

So I,

In reading your letter,

I am struck by the grief of losing a friend really young in your 20s and wanting to do something that feels so gathering and so casual and so outdoors oriented and so inclusive to honor her.

I am just sending that connecting energy to you of,

I get it,

Across the big blue pond that separates us from the States to Europe.

The first thing I want to tell you,

If you need this as a permission slip,

Please plan the picnic.

I will tell you from experience but also from being a grieving person myself that it's very hard to be the planner.

And I bet you know this too,

That it's hard to be the person who's orchestrating the thing.

There's a lot that's on your shoulders,

Setting the date,

Setting the time,

Setting the place,

Asking people to bring things,

Asking nobody to bring things because you're going to manage it all.

What decisions are you making with regard to that?

But let me tell you when it comes to inviting people,

Especially people who are grieving your friends,

Your friend's family members,

Your friend's brother,

It is much easier to say yes when you are simply invited to something that is already being set in motion.

So the first thing I want to tell you is please plan the picnic.

Be the orchestrator of the event.

Be the person who says,

Hey,

I'm not sure if you've got anything planned.

I'm putting together a picnic on this date.

I hope you'll come.

We need potato salad,

Whatever it is.

Or just come bring yourself,

Bring a photo of her,

Bring a memory.

We'll pop plant seed confetti and scatter it all over the ground,

Whatever sort of rituals you'd like to do at this thing.

Because I'll tell you from experience,

It is so much gentler when you're grieving to say yes to an invitation than to be asked to plan an entire day or an entire event that honors your grief.

So if you were the person in this circle of your friends,

Friends,

And family that is willing to plan that,

That is willing to take up that mantle and walk into the future with it,

I encourage you to do so.

And I'll tell you this too,

From the way you spoke about your friend group and hello to all of your scientist friends out there,

It sounds like life was too busy at the time to mourn her in a way that felt gathering and connecting and impactful.

But I wonder if somewhere in their hearts or in their souls,

They're looking for an outlet to put that grief,

Even though time has passed.

And I wonder if her family feels the same way,

Because a lot of times in the immediate aftermath of a loss,

Things can feel so heavy and so busy and so unrelenting,

That it feels like the ways you really want to honor a person,

Like there's no room for that.

Because everything is going so far and so fast and so deep and so wide,

That it's just too much to manage all at once.

So again,

I encourage you plan the picnic because I can almost guarantee it.

Her family at the time of her death,

Wanted to grieve her in this way that felt community oriented and connecting and held in love and to have the space to kind of rest and grieve and tell stories and be together.

But they didn't have the capacity for it at the time.

So let this year anniversary be a space where all of that gets to,

To stretch out its legs and happen.

And for you to be the orchestrator of that is such,

Such a beautiful thing.

For lack of better phrasing,

Build it,

Organize it,

And they will come.

But,

And I hear the fear in your question,

What if no one shows up?

What if I have a picnic for one?

What if no one really wants to grieve her with me in the way that I want to grieve her?

I want you to do this.

Have some sort of ritual as a part of the day that's just for you.

And will happen whether or not this picnic happens so that all your hopes and dreams for the day are not resting on others' actions or lack thereof,

On others' attendance or lack of attendance.

I'd probably recommend doing it first thing in the day so that you have yourself grounded and solidified before doing a thing that you have invited other people to.

Something like visiting one of her favorite places,

Buying flowers in her honor,

Telling one of her favorite jokes to total strangers.

It can be so small,

But so beautiful.

Whatever it is that reminds you of your friend,

Do that very first thing and honor her in a way that feels true for you.

And honestly,

In a way that only you can honor her.

In a way that she would be able to see it and recognize,

Ah,

Friendless unicorn is honoring me right now.

And then expand that to a larger group.

It's the put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others,

Energy.

It's ground yourself in this day first,

In the grief and the weight and the heaviness of this day first,

Before creating a container or space for others to do the same.

If it's a day where no one comes,

And you're feeling tender and guarded and heartbroken and angry and disappointed,

Which is very fair and valid.

I encourage you if you have the energy to share something about your friend in a small space,

Perhaps social media,

Perhaps a text to close friends or a relative or a family member that would support you or would support your efforts in this.

If you're feeling brave,

If you are perhaps more of an extrovert,

Or you want to take this anger or this this desire for connection,

Or this frustration that no one wants to agree with you out into the world.

I wonder if you might host a picnic anyway,

And tell passersby people walking their dogs,

People strolling their strollers,

People who are in your vicinity.

I'm here because my best friend died a year ago today.

And no one wanted to celebrate with me or no one could take off work.

No one could make the time to come.

No one lives close enough in town.

Whatever people's excuses for opting out are,

Share that story.

Share why you're there.

If you're feeling bold enough,

If you're in a spot where it feels safe to wear your heart on your sleeve in that way,

And see who shows up in that instance.

I have been very surprised in my grief by some of the servers at restaurants who ask why I'm there dining alone.

Some friends who share a free dessert with me in honor of my mom's death anniversary.

I have been surprised at the florists who have bought flowers from on Mother's Day,

Who have expressed their compassion and their love at me buying flowers for someone who's no longer here when none of my other relatives live in town.

I have been so delighted and surprised by how in opening up my heart vulnerably and just saying things with honesty,

Not with bitterness or outrage,

But just saying I wanted to do this and no one else could come.

And then just receiving how other people show up for you because they very well might.

Total strangers.

They very well might.

So friendless unicorn,

Your mission,

Should you choose to accept it,

Is to plan the picnic,

Send out the invites,

I'd say a month in advance if you're being generous,

Especially people live out of town.

Say I don't know if you have plans for this day,

I'm already thinking about it.

I'd love to host this,

Will you come?

Let me know within,

You know,

A week or so.

I'm getting final headcounts in,

I'm ordering catering,

We'll get these from a restaurant,

I'm making brownies,

Whatever the case may be.

And then plan a ritual for yourself too.

So that regardless of if these friends and if these family members show up for you and for your friend on her death anniversary,

That you have this pocket of space and time that is just for the two of you,

That honors the allness of your relationship together because it is worth honoring.

And then if you get the gift of that allness of your love and relationship being made bigger by others' attendance,

By others' participation,

By others' stories,

By others' memories,

That's the sprinkles,

That's the cherry on top,

That's the add-on to what you have already set in motion for yourself.

Build your foundations first,

And then send out the invites.

I will be holding you and your friend so close in my heart the whole month of May.

Thanks for writing in,

I know you've got this.