What Am I 'Really' Offering Myself And Others?

So,

I thought I'd start this month's talk by sharing a story about what prompted me to write this,

Which sadly was some truly unmindful and also unkind behavior on my part at a party that I recently attended.

This was a going away party for an old friend of mine,

And I was so excited to see so many people there that I hadn't seen for a while,

Some since before the pandemic,

And I was also really enjoying catching up with everyone.

And towards the end of the party,

I ended up sitting in a small circle of about seven or eight of us,

And we seemed to be having what I thought was a really good time and a lively discussion.

And for some reason,

Which I still can't explain and really have no good excuse for,

I started blurting out a question to the whole group right in the middle of someone else's sharing.

This person made eye contact with me,

And I made eye contact with her,

And to my great relief,

She just continued on with her sharing.

And I was so surprised,

Actually,

That I'd done that,

And I felt terrible about interrupting the very second the words started coming out of my mouth.

But of course,

By then,

It was just too late,

I'd already done it.

Thankfully,

I was later able to apologize for my behavior and to acknowledge that for whatever reason,

I'd gotten so caught up in the conversation that I wasn't being very mindful or patient,

And therefore,

I wasn't also being very kind.

Most importantly,

Though,

What I realized was that I was actually being pretty selfish,

Which is the exact opposite of the topic that I wanted to explore today,

Which in the Pali language is something called dana.

In the teachings,

This word has often been described as generosity,

But it actually means so much more.

And so for this talk,

I wanted to try to flesh out just a few different aspects of this incredibly rich and complex practice.

If you've ever been to a Buddhist meditation group or retreat,

You may already be familiar with the word dana,

Because traditionally,

It's used to describe the monetary or other donations that people usually give to a teacher or their teachings.

But in the Buddhist teachings,

The term dana is considered less of a noun,

As in a kind of physical thing or an object that we tangibly offer someone,

And more so is a powerful practice.

So what this means is that dana is actually considered a verb,

Or a kind of doing,

Or maybe most importantly,

A quality of heart that we are being asked to consciously nurture and cultivate in our own meditation practice.

In fact,

The Buddha tells us that dana is one of 10 essential qualities of heart that he urges us to very consciously develop if we want to find any real sense of freedom from suffering in this lifetime.

These 10 profound qualities are known as the paramis,

Or the perfections.

And I just want to really make sure to point out that the Buddha was not in any way asking us to be perfect,

Or maybe to set up impossible standards for ourselves around these paramis,

Which to me is always such a great relief.

What he's saying is that these 10 vital qualities themselves,

They're perfect,

In the sense that developing them is the best way for us,

As practitioners,

To experience less suffering,

And therefore more freedom in our lives.

And if you're interested,

The other 9 qualities,

Or paramis,

Again,

Include morality,

Renunciation,

Wisdom,

Energy,

Patience,

Truthfulness,

Determination,

Loving kindness,

And equanimity.

So incredibly essential qualities for us to nurture.

Whenever I reflect on these paramis,

I always find it so helpful to remember that the one quality that the Buddha prioritized above all the others,

The one that he placed first on the list,

Was this quality of dana,

Or generosity.

It is that vital for our spiritual development,

Or what in the Pali language is called our bhavana,

Our development.

In fact,

The Buddha told us that if we don't have the intention of cultivating this powerful quality of heart,

Especially when we're practicing,

Sadly,

We just aren't going to have a whole lot of luck developing any of the other qualities.

I also find it so interesting to remember that this quality of dana not only comes first on the list,

But it also happens to be exactly where we eventually want to end,

In the sense that in a way,

It's exactly what we're aiming for.

The reason for this is that our entire practice of dana essentially comes down to a practice of letting go,

Or a practice of non-clinging.

And our understanding and deepening wisdom of this non-clinging eventually brings us around full circle to our letting go of a sense of a solid,

Unchangeable,

Permanent,

Separate self,

Which as the teachings show us,

Is the main cause or root of almost all of our suffering when we're clinging so tightly to the sense of me or mine,

Believing that we are somehow separate.

So in other words,

The extent of our freedom essentially lies in how much we are willing to let go,

Especially of our need for everything to be about ourselves,

And how we want everything and everyone to be in this world.

The great master Ajahn Chah,

Who was one of the main teachers of my teachers,

Once very succinctly summarized what we're aiming for this way.

He said,

If you let go a little,

You'll have a little peace.

If you let go a lot,

You'll have a lot of peace.

If you let go completely,

You will be free.

So to begin,

We might consider why he's practicing dana the first step,

And there are so many reasons for this,

But I really like the way the great monk Bhikkhu Bodhi explains it.

He tells us,

In the teachings of the Buddha,

The practice of giving claims a place of special eminence,

One which singles it out as being,

In a sense,

The foundation and seed of spiritual development.

What this means is that without dana,

Our whole practice really has no basis because there's no seed to grow,

If you will.

And if you'll stay with this metaphor,

It might be helpful to recall that the soil of our practice,

Or the quality in which we want to plant this seed of dana,

Is metta,

Or loving kindness,

Which is said to nurture the seed of dana,

Or generosity.

And because both metta and dana involve a sort of offering or a giving,

As well as a letting go,

They really do need to go together.

And if we think about it,

The opposite is also true,

Isn't it?

So just as an example,

When we're not being generous,

Or when we're maybe not sharing something,

Or maybe if we're some way hoarding something,

Or taking more than our share of whatever it is,

We're also then often in some way being unkind,

Or maybe selfish,

Often very unconsciously.

Just as an example,

At the party that I was at recently,

I was not being at all generous when I interrupted the woman who was speaking.

And so apparently in that moment,

I was not willing to offer her the space to speak,

Or maybe I was wanting to hold onto the space,

Maybe somehow claim it as mine.

So in other words,

For whatever reason,

In that moment,

I was not willing to share the space.

So in fact,

I was being selfish,

And therefore,

I was also being unkind.

In our practice,

Then again,

It's really vitally important for us to remember to hold our intention of practicing dana in our minds,

Our intention of being both kind,

As well as generous,

Along with having an intention to let go.

And by the way,

This kind of kindness and generosity also absolutely extends to ourselves.

As the Buddha tells us,

We can search the entire universe for someone more deserving of our love and affection than ourselves,

And we will not find that person anywhere.

Because the truth is,

We are just as worthy of our own kindness and generosity as anybody else.

Not more,

Not less,

Equally worthy.

And the good news here is that even if we're unconscious about having this intention for ourselves,

Just the simple act of sitting down with ourselves to meditate in and of itself is considered a great act of kindness,

One that we are offering ourselves as an act of dana.

Again,

According to the Buddha,

This is really essential for us if we want to continue to develop along the path.

The reason for this is because even again,

If it's unconscious,

Our intention is coming from the part of us that is eager to care for ourselves,

The part of us that is eager to learn how to live more fully and become more joyful and to waken to this life that we are living.

When we can nurture the seed of intention through our practice and become more and more awake to it,

It almost naturally just tends to lead us into letting go of our sense of separateness when we can recognize that we are not alone in our suffering,

Which in turn tends to kind of organically help us to become more kind and compassionate towards other people when we can really recognize the truth of this.

And so one way that we can start to more actively nurture this heart quality of dana might be to just become more conscious every single time we sit down to meditate to the fact that we are in some way offering ourselves both our dana,

Our generosity,

And our kindness or metta just by giving ourselves that time to sit.

The great part about this is that we can also then use our actual practice to start noticing all the ways in which we are in some way not being very generous to ourselves or to other people or maybe those times when we're not able to offer ourselves or others our own kindness or compassion or forgiveness.

Again,

Just as an example,

For several days after I'd interrupted the woman at the party,

I started to notice that I was being unkind to myself whenever I thought about this in the sense that I just wasn't letting myself off the hook or allowing myself to be human in any way as if I was the only person in the world who had ever interrupted someone.

In fact,

I was so focused on how I'd possibly hurt this person's feelings that I didn't realize that I was at the same time kind of hurting myself by being so stingy with my forgiveness of myself.

And so when I finally recognized this,

That then became part of my practice to work on becoming a little more generous to myself by trying to loosen my strong grip on my sense of guilt and by giving myself a bit of a break and allowing myself to try to just be more mindful about this in the future.

In his teachings,

The Buddha tells us that there is both healthy and unhealthy guilt,

And he stresses that there is simply no need for the unhealthy type,

Which is when we tend to punish ourselves,

Sometimes mercilessly,

For our unskillful actions,

Which is actually,

Again,

Considered ungenerous.

It's not practicing dana,

It's ungenerous.

Instead,

The Buddha asks us to use our practice to look very directly at our actions and behaviors,

Recognize them when they're unskillful,

Unhook our identity from them,

And then make a vow to ourselves to be more mindful about our actions in the future.

But punishing ourselves just never,

Ever does any good or serve anyone,

Ever.

And so when we're exploring all the ways that we're maybe not being generous,

We really want to do this not with a mind that is punishing,

But with a mind that is super curious,

A mind that wants to become more aware so that we can understand how painful it is when we're in some way just not willing to let go and to see how much harm it can cause both to ourselves and others.

Just as an example,

For me,

When I took a closer look at my need to interrupt the woman at the party,

What I recognized was that one of the three poisons was present in the form of greed or wanting.

We might recognize the three poisons as the poisons of wanting,

Which is sometimes also called greed,

Along with aversion,

And finally delusion,

Which is essentially not recognizing that those first two poisons are what causes us to suffer.

And so at the party in that moment,

What I was wanting was a need of mine to be met like right now,

Immediately.

And this need or want involved a question that apparently I urgently wanted to ask the group.

And I was so focused on that question,

Clinging so tightly to it,

That sadly,

I ended up causing harm.

Having said that,

Along with wanting,

What can also show up for us is that second poison,

Which is not wanting,

Or aversion,

Which can express itself,

Of course,

As a kind of pushing away.

And especially when we're interacting with other people,

One of the most common ways that we can push others away is by not allowing ourselves to be in any way vulnerable,

Or by not being willing to share with them the truth that we also suffer,

Or that we are also flawed humans.

And so for instance,

Maybe someone asks us how we're doing,

And we insist that we're fine,

We're great.

And then maybe we launch into a whole story about this,

One that maybe puts a kind of sunny spin on everything,

Including a sunny spin on our sense of self,

Even though maybe we're not feeling that way at all,

Right?

And so whenever we're doing this,

The truth is that we're not giving or offering the other person a chance to connect with us,

Because we've put a kind of wall up that says,

I'm unwilling to share this vulnerability with you,

To show you that I'm also human.

And sadly,

When we're not willing to share ourselves with others in this way,

Essentially what we're doing is clinging to a strong sense of self,

And creating a sense of separation.

Which again,

As the Buddha tells us,

Is the source of our deepest wounding and suffering,

The sense of being separate.

In the Majjhima Nikaya,

The Buddha tells us,

Quote,

Most people fail to see reality because of wanting,

But this very clinging is the source of suffering.

This very clinging is the source of suffering.

And I want to pause here just for a moment to clarify,

It's not that all of our desires are bad,

Of course we want things,

No?

We all want to be heard,

We all want to be cared for,

And loved,

And belong.

We also want material things,

And spiritual things,

And for the lives,

Our lives and the lives of others to be better.

Of course we do.

There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

In fact,

The Buddha assures us that there is healthy desire,

Which is desire that arises out of a sense of care,

And appreciation,

And loving kindness.

So for instance,

Whenever we're in some way wanting ourselves and others to be happy,

We are expressing a healthy desire,

A desire which is actually encouraged.

What the teachings are saying is that it is our attachment,

Our clinging to our desire that is the real cause of our suffering,

Especially our clinging to a sense of self.

This is such a significant distinction.

The poet William Blake describes this well,

I think,

When he wrote,

Those who enter the gates of heaven are not beings who have no passions,

Or who have curbed their passions,

But those who have cultivated an understanding of them,

An understanding.

And so as I've been contemplating this quality or practice of Dhana lately,

I've been asking myself two very similar or connected questions to help me become more honest with myself,

Because I really do want to understand,

So that I will not repeat that kind of unskillful behavior in the future.

So the first question is,

What is it that I'm really giving or offering?

What is it that I am really giving or offering?

The second question is related,

And I ask it in two different ways,

Which is,

Is there anything I'm somehow not giving?

What is it that I'm not giving?

Or asked another way,

What is it that I'm clinging to?

Is there something that I'm clinging on to?

And by the way,

I realized also that this two part question can really be narrowed down even further into one very vital question,

Which is,

Whatever it is that I'm either giving or not giving,

What is my true intention?

What is my intention?

Because the truth is,

Whenever we're offering or not offering something,

Even if it's just our presence,

It is always an important practice for us to look at our underlying intention,

Maybe even our deepest intention,

Which is often so much more revealing and telling than whatever it is that we're actually giving or not giving.

In his teachings,

The Buddha tells us that everything,

Our entire practice,

Rests on the pin of our intention.

This is so important,

In fact,

That the Buddha includes this aspect of intention in the very first lines of the Dhammapada,

Where he tells us,

Quote,

We are what we think.

All that we are arises with our thoughts.

With our thoughts,

We make the world.

Speak or act with an impure mind and trouble will follow you as the wheel follows the ox that draws the cart.

We are what we think.

All that we are arises with our thoughts.

With our thoughts,

We make the world.

Speak or act with a pure mind and happiness follows you as your shadow,

Unshakable.

I just love that.

And so whenever we're either giving or maybe holding on,

Looking at our intention is really a crucial practice for us.

At the same time,

We also want to really use our mindfulness practice to take a closer look at both our conscious and unconscious expectations,

Especially about how we want our offering or dana to be received.

So in other words,

We really want to make sure that we're not somehow wanting something in return.

Because if we think about it,

Whenever we're expecting something in any way,

We really aren't practicing true giving or true letting go.

Instead,

If we think about it,

What we're really practicing is the very opposite of giving,

Which is wanting.

And of course,

This is exactly what we're trying to loosen through this practice.

And so as a way to help us with our expectations,

We might also try to keep in mind that the results of whatever we're giving is always and forever out of our hands,

Always out of our hands.

Just as a fun example,

Many years ago,

One of my teachers,

Hugh Byrne,

Shared a story about a time when he was leading a retreat and he decided to be kind and generous by anonymously sharing this big,

One of those big,

Giant organic chocolate bars that he brought with him so that others could snap off pieces of it for themselves.

So he had very carefully,

You know,

Unwrapped the package and taken out one of the pieces for himself before leaving the rest of it on the table.

But what he wasn't expecting was for just one other person to snatch up the whole rest of the bar,

Which is exactly what happened.

And for many,

Many hours afterwards,

Hugh said he just couldn't get over that because it was,

Of course,

Not at all what he had been expecting.

But he shared with us that it was just such a great reminder to him that clinging to our expectations is truly what causes us to suffer,

Even over relatively small things like this.

Along those same lines,

Whenever we're offering something,

Even if it's just a smile or a conversation or maybe a more tangible offering,

We might also remind ourselves that we can never know exactly how our kindness or generosity is going to ripple out in the world.

And this is not something we can know and not something we can control.

Many years ago,

Another one of my teachers,

Gil Fronsdale,

Said that when he was living in a monastery in Burma,

He received a can of tuna that was given to the monks during their alms rounds.

And you know,

Most of us probably wouldn't consider a can of tuna a very valuable offering,

But stamped onto the can were the words,

For international distribution only.

And what this meant was that someone with very limited means had given Gil their own rationing of protein for that week.

And Gil said that this donation felt just absolutely priceless to him.

And it really deepened his commitment to his practice,

Because he wanted to then prove himself worthy of this person's donation.

One of my own personal favorite offerings of Donna came from a student who attended one of my longer five-day retreats many years ago.

It was something that he'd found inside a huge tree during a retreat,

And finding it apparently had meant so much to him,

It was so precious to him,

That it was truly a difficult practice for him to offer it to me instead of keeping it for himself.

And this particular gift,

Which he left anonymously again,

Happened to be a four-foot-long snake skin,

Which I found coiled up in the Donna basket when I went to look at it.

Just recently,

At another five-day retreat that I offered this year,

The same student sort of sheepishly came up to me and told me later that he felt badly for this unusual offering.

But what he didn't know,

And I was so happy to tell him,

Was that I was so happy to finally know who had left this,

And to let him know that I absolutely loved his gift,

So much so that I had kept it on the shelves above my desk for years to remind me how this practice has the power to radically transform us if we allow ourselves to truly let go,

Just as the snake lets go of its own skin over and over and becomes new again.

And so,

Paradoxically,

This unusual gift of Donna was actually an excellent metaphor for the act of Donna itself,

Which is another reason I loved it.

And so again,

Just to really emphasize what's vitally important for us to keep in mind,

Whenever we're offering anything at all,

Is our intention for doing it,

Not the gift itself.

Our intention.

As part of our exploration,

We might consider a very similar question,

Which is,

Is what I'm offering actually bringing me or others more happiness?

Or is it maybe bringing something else,

Or maybe even the opposite?

And just as a very personal example,

When I was a child,

I often recall my father telling us that he was,

Quote,

Giving my mother and sister and I a day out on his motorboat on the weekend.

Back then,

My father had a very demanding job,

And I knew that he was mostly only doing this because my mother had demanded that he spend more time with us.

And so what I actually remember receiving was a lot of resentment and anger and yelling,

Usually because we weren't doing something right or weren't going fast enough or there was a lot of traffic,

Et cetera.

So as you might imagine,

This never really felt like much of a gift to me,

Even though we were always expected to express our gratitude for him giving this to us.

So along those same lines,

We might also consider if what we're giving is a little sticky.

And by this,

I mean,

We might ask ourselves if what we're giving is in any way laced with a sense of obligation or a kind of guilt or maybe wrapped up with either a conscious or unconscious belief that,

Okay,

I've given you X,

Now you owe me Y.

I've given you X,

Now you owe me Y.

And so as you might imagine,

I could go on and on because there's so many different ways that we can explore this quality of Donna.

But along with our intention,

What's maybe the most important thing to remember is that the one thing,

The one thing that we all give each other the most is truly priceless.

And this is our actual presence and everything that comes with that.

As the great late master Thich Nhat Hanh told us,

The most precious thing we can offer is our true presence.

The most precious thing we can offer is our true presence.

And so when it comes to this particular gift,

We not only want to ask ourselves what we're really offering in all of our interactions,

But to also honestly ask ourselves,

Am I actually giving here or sharing,

Or am I somehow taking?

So for instance,

Our giving here might be as simple as taking the time to offer someone a smile and to be mindful or conscious about doing it,

Again,

With intention.

Or it might mean extending ourselves by setting aside our own needs and really being there for a friend in some way,

Maybe just by listening to them without interjecting or inserting anything about ourselves in the conversation,

Really listening,

Truly being there,

Curious about our friend.

Maybe right now,

You know,

You might recall a time when you received a kind smile when you really,

Really needed it and how that felt,

What that meant,

How precious that was.

Or you might recall a time when someone really truly listened with their whole heart.

Isn't that such a precious gift?

We might also think about what happens when we receive maybe the opposite,

Right?

So for instance,

What happens when someone doesn't offer a smile when we think they might,

Or when it seems appropriate?

Or maybe they instead offer a kind of frown or an unfriendly facial expression.

How do we feel about that?

Or we might take a moment to recall what it feels like when we're not being listened to.

Or maybe to use my own example,

We might consider what it feels like when we're interrupted in the middle of speaking and how that feels.

So because it's really true that our presence is our most valuable asset,

The most valuable qualities of this presence that the Buddha urges us to consciously nurture and then offer out include the heart qualities of kindness,

Compassion,

Joy,

And ease.

Or in the Pali language,

Metta,

Karuna,

Mudita,

And dupeka.

Many of you may recognize these four profound states of heart as the brahmavaharas or the divine abodes,

Which are considered the places where we want to dwell in our own bodies,

Right?

Our true homes.

And the idea here is that we want to work on developing these qualities so that when people visit us or we visit them,

If you will,

That is the shelter or the gift that we will be offering them.

And for me,

I often like to think that a person who embodies these four qualities of heart might appear as someone who is welcoming,

Caring,

Joyful,

And peaceful.

Welcoming,

Caring,

Joyful,

And peaceful.

And really,

Don't we all want to be in the presence of someone with these qualities,

Right?

And don't we also want to all nurture these qualities in ourselves and really become that person to dwell there?

As encouragement,

I like to reflect on the fact that when we can use our practice to very consciously nurture these four profound qualities of heart,

They are said to actually become our dana,

Right?

They become exactly what we're offering.

And so finally,

Before I offer you a brief meditation on the practice of dana,

I just wanted to end by sharing that for me,

One of the reasons that I felt so badly after I'd interrupted the woman at the party is that I wasn't in any way offering her a kind or generous presence.

In fact,

I was offering her quite the opposite.

The good news is that because I almost instantly recognized how much it hurt to create a sense of separation through my own clinging and wanting,

I've been encouraged to dive even deeper into an exploration of this quality of generosity so that I might start to explore all the different ways that I might not be being as generous with myself or others as I would like to,

And to make a very conscious effort to just be more kind and generous in the future.

And so I need to really end there for time,

But if it's available to you,

I'd like to invite us all into a brief meditation on this quality of generosity or dana.

And so if you're at home or somewhere where you can sit,

You might find a comfortable posture,

Seated posture,

Close the eyes.

If you're walking,

You might feel the bottom of your feet touching the earth,

Feeling the act of walking,

Becoming more and more embodied,

Feeling the breeze on the skin,

The movement of the body.

If you're driving,

You might feel your hands on the wheel,

Your seat on the seat cushion.

Wherever you are,

See if you can start to get in touch with the breath,

Maybe by taking a deep inhale slowly in the body,

And then a slow exhale,

Letting go.

Maybe a couple of rounds of these on your own just to really get in touch with the breath and the body,

A sense of slowing down,

Slowing the mind a bit,

Opening the mind.

You might add a very slight smile to the corner of the eyes and the lips if you'd like,

Just to bring a sense of kindness,

Curiosity,

Care to your practice.

Again,

Remembering your intention for kindness in your practice,

Breathing in,

Breathing out.

You might begin to soften areas of the body that might be tight,

Paying special attention to your hands.

You might open the hands in a gesture of receiving and letting go,

Letting the center of the palms be soft,

Open.

You might notice the face,

Let all the facial muscles soften,

Eyes,

Forehead,

Cheeks,

Jaw.

Still breathing,

Aware of the breath.

You might also notice the tummy,

See if you can let go here a little,

Let the tummy be undefended,

Just naturally receiving the breath,

Letting go.

Might also notice the neck and shoulder area,

See if you can drop the shoulders down a little more and letting go,

Breathing.

As you're ready,

I want to invite you to consider maybe one person in your life,

Maybe someone close to you or maybe even someone you might be having some difficulty with.

Just pick one person,

Be that person in your mind and consider your relationship with that person.

And then as you're ready,

You might gently ask yourself with great kindness and curiosity,

What am I really giving this person?

What am I really giving this person?

Without any judgment,

Again,

Just curiosity,

See if you can really be honest with yourself about what you're really giving to this person in your life.

As you're ready now,

You might consider,

Is there anything that I'm somehow not giving?

Or maybe,

Is there anything that I'm somehow clinging to in my relationship with this person?

Again,

No judgment,

Just being honest and curious.

Finally,

You might consider whether or not I'm giving or not giving,

What is my true intention?

What is my true intention in my relationship with this person?